Barry Parham's Blog: The Mooncalf Communion, page 45
March 17, 2013
Welcome to the Umpire State!
(Maybe Bloomberg will get confused and ban himself)
“Psst.”
“Hey, man. What’s up?”
“You seen Joey?”
“Joey? Nah, Joey’s down in Brooklyn, movin’ some fried onion rings.”
“Aw, man.”
“Why? What you need? I got some nice glazed donuts. Maybe some salted peanuts? 24-ounce Big Gulp?”
“I was hoping to score an unabridged dictionary.”
“Yeah, you and me both, dude. Haven’t seen one of th…”
“Ack! Cheez it! It’s the Mayor!”
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I don’t know if you’ve been keeping up with the news out of New York lately, bu...
March 10, 2013
The Pope, the Dope, & the Misanthrope
(Move over, Axis of Evil. Make way for the Axis of Stupid.)
Ever wish you were rich and famous? Ever wish you could command millions of citizens, and dress funny on purpose? Well, be careful what you wish for. So far this year, one dictator died, another one befriended a metallic mutant, and a Pope quit.
It’s turning out to be a tough year if you’re infallible.
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For starters, Dennis Rodman just got back from North Korea, and if that sentence doesn’t confuse you, you’re lying.
It’s true,...
March 3, 2013
The Search For Intelligent Life – and Pizza
(Does my calling plan cover Betelgeuse, or is that ‘roaming?’)
It’s official.
Thanks to NASA, we now have the proof: Tom Cruise is not the smallest life form in the universe.
Earlier this year, astronomers announced the discovery of the smallest planet in the known universe, a planet so tiny that it could support Gerard Depardieu, or Joy Behar, but not both. Planet Kepler-37B, named after the Kepler Space Telescope, proves two things about NASA: they remain relevant in difficult financial times,...
February 24, 2013
Stylin’ with Genghis
(How the US mail got in the US mall)
All right, you tell me how you’d handle it.
Picture it. You’re the chief suit-in-charge at the United States Post Office, and you’re in trouble. You’re losing $25 million dollars a day. Every. Single. Day. Your financial track record is abysmal:
You haven’t posted a profit since Benjamin Franklin retired.
You somehow managed to lose money, even when you were a monopoly. A monopoly.
You’re the only enterprise in the history of economics that raises its prices (s...
February 17, 2013
My Short Stint at Hallmark
(Would Cupid’s bow be a sexual assault weapon?)
Valentine’s Day, once again, has come and gone. And in cozy dens all across America, guys are staring bitterly at oversized, under-performing teddy bears.
Guys have learned to accept the rule: you never forget Valentine’s Day. We understand that Valentine’s Day is a beast that must be fed. And in the middle of February, it’s not like we have a lot of options. The Super Bowl’s over. It’s either this little spending jag, or watch league bowling.
Acco...
February 10, 2013
State Bored of Education
(Is this, like, gonna be on the test and stuff?)
Okay. Just before I started running for the exit, here’s what the gothic-eyed little mall rat said to her equally doom-daubed friend: “I’m, like, so totally un-into it and stuff.”
And then, suddenly, without warning, her orbiting mascara cloud hit critical mass and achieved self-consciousness. The mascara-based life form immediately pulled out a smart phone and started texting.
Unfortunately, due to my being busy running away, I never did find out...
February 3, 2013
Death by Ennui
(If you’re attacked, just hit them with your free phone)
It all started when Maury yelled, “Go long!”
Rob set down his cup and sprinted across the postage stamp of a lawn. Maury zeroed in and fired an absolute bullet. Rob bared his teeth, juked to the left, and went airborne, his arms straining to capacity in an effort to pull in the rifled spira…
“Hold it!”
And that’s when Dianne Feinstein showed up.
The dour, distaff Senator wormed her way out of her limo, this onecomped for her by lobbyists fro...
January 27, 2013
Southern Exposure
(Crisis management: check. Now we just need a crisis.)
Winter. Here in South Carolina, like in most places, winter happens every year, usually during the winter.
Not to get technical, but I think winter happens this way: a weak stationary occluding geothermal front collides with shifting low-level temperate cumulo-isobars, or a sullen rain god, resulting in the formation of complex adjectives. This produces a 95% chance of citizens getting storm-crowed into a meteorological panic by incredibly...
January 20, 2013
Hard Time Loves A Hero
(Sports idols belong in a line-up. But not this kind of line-up.)
“Well, they say time loves a hero, but only time will tell.
If he’s real, he’s a legend from heaven; if he ain’t, he’s a mouthpiece from hell.”
Little Feat
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If you follow sports news, this last week should’ve kept you pretty busy. If you follow weird sports news, this last week should’ve charged you a fee…a fee you should’ve gladly paid. And left a nice tip.
Ready for the latest from the Weird Sports News department? Try t...
January 13, 2013
Norman Gets Written Up
(Excellence is okay, in moderation)
After an eight-year absence, I’ve recently injected myself back into corporate America. This was largely due to circumstances beyond my control, like the economy, and wanting to eat.
There was also the small matter of maddening micro-management by an out-of-control federal bureaucracy, a government that apparently won’t be satisfied until they’re regulating which direction you face when trimming your nails. (followed by filing IRS Form 10.7-B 3c to cover your...
