Barry Parham's Blog: The Mooncalf Communion, page 10

A Boy Renamed Sue

(Crackers. Crayons. Cross-dressing.)

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Remember the good old days, when children had childhoods? Well, I hope you took plenty of pictures, ’cause childhood just got cancelled.

Yes, America. Thanks to the gentle guidance of the Federal Gender Identity Police currently running for President, your elementary school children will soon be sharing the same bathroom, regardless of hateful, bigoted, outdated biology concepts like “girls” and “boys.”

Apparently, lots of concerned people in t...

Napoleon & the Self-Basting Amphibian

(France: Dynasty. Defeat. Dessert.)
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It was a or an historic moment. On 18 June, 1815, a tactical faux pas in Waterloo, Belgium changed the course of European history forever. Yes, students, it was on that fateful day 200 years ago when, at the table of Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte, the unthinkable happened: the psychotic little shrimp’s waiter served white wine…with beef.

Fortunately, Napoleon, that nasty little King of Europe wannabe, was already whack-stick insane. So no real harm...

It’s A Living

(Somebody’s got to point out these things. You’re welcome.)

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I bought a car designed by Congress. It has a clueless ignition system. Amnesia: the perfect gift for that person who has everything. You have to admire that woman in the TV commercial. If I had an external overactive bladder that had eyes, arms and legs, and kept trying to drag me into public bathrooms, I probably wouldn’t go out much. The letters in “Hillary Clinton” can be rearranged to “Chilly Lion Rant.” Coincidence? I think not. The letters in “Donald Trump” ca...

Pretty Ugly, More or Less

(How big is a yea, anyway?)

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It occurred to me this week, while burying another door-to-door salesman who wants to replace my roof, that mankind has spent an inordinate amount of time over the years doing two things: killing each other, and measuring stuff.

But since it’s nearly the holiday season, let’s play down the “killing each other” part, and focus on the measurements. Measuring stuff has been intriguing us for millennia: remember, Noah was able to build an ark to spec, and w...

Again With The Snakes?

(All we have to feral is feral itself)
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I’ve subscribed to a darkly sinister conspiracy theory. I believe there’s a handful of zealous, evil realtors out there who hire snakes. You know, as relocation motivators.

And they’ve sent me another one.

If you’re one of the three people outside of my immediate family who read my weekly humor columns, you know by now of my “issues” with snakes. I despise them more than any creature on Earth that’s not running for office. If some woman someho...

Your Stupid

(Don’t take English for granite.)
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Let’s admit it. Everybody has baggage. Everybody has issues. My big bale of baggage includes being a bigot. Well, that and being an aggravated addict of alliteration. Allegedly.

However, my particular bigotry baggage doesn’t discriminate due to race, or gender, or age, or why that woman over there thought it was a good idea to wear that particular fashion combination to a Wal-Mart.

I am a language bigot.

I’m a great big fan of the English language...

The Mirror Test

(Syllogisms, polite fish, and bunk)
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This week, large chunks of America have been assaulted by a brutal heat wave, or, as we like to call it here in the American South, “summer.”

(For some reason, when winter comes along, we don’t get cold waves: we get cold snaps, or cold fronts. Conversely, we never have heat snaps or hot fronts, unless you’re on fire. I don’t know why hot and cold can’t use the same vocabulary. Congress could look into it … and they probably will.)

And so, in an...

Milestones, Hailstones, & Gallstones

(I am a destroyer of worlds. After my nap.)
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Last week, I had two firsts. For a start, I had a weather event named after me. You would think the government would at least have the decency to ask me first. Not everybody likes being called an event.

Secondly, this ship that is my life has now officially docked at Port Old Guy. I dropped anchor, and a bag of groceries, and then had to go lie down.

Here’s what happened: at the grocers this past week, I bought some food. (I almost alw...

Happy Codependence Day!

(Finally, after only 240 years, a talking toilet)
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Well, look. The Fourth of July is here again. Let’s all celebrate our independence by eating cows and buying discounted bed sheets.

Our grand – depending on who you ask – American non-colonizing experiment – depending on where you ask – has survived another year – depending on when you ask.

Outside our borders, based on the numbers of people trying to get inside our borders, we remain enticing. Inside – we’ve still some work to do.

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One Man’s Emergency…

(You! Move away from the taco!)
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Recently, in some American town out there, a troubled citizen called 911. (true story)

“That’s not exactly a rare anecdote,” you may be saying, if you’re one of those lonely people who talk to humor columns. And you would be right.

But it wasn’t the call by a troubled citizen that was weird. What interested me was the trouble that troubled the troubled citizen.

You see, recently, somewhere out there, an otherwise normal-looking person making a purcha...