Prank Quotes

“I'm going to wake Peeta," I say.
"No, wait," says Finnick. "Let's do it together. Put our faces right in front of his."
Well, there's so little opportunity for fun left in my life, I agree. We position ourselves on either side of Peeta, lean over until our faces are inches frim his nose, and give him a shake. "Peeta. Peeta, wake up," I say in a soft, singsong voice.
His eyelids flutter open and then he jumps like we've stabbed him. "Aa!"
Finnick and I fall back in the sand, laughing our heads off. Every time we try to stop, we look at Peeta's attempt to maintain a disdainful expression and it sets us off again.”
― Suzanne Collins, Catching Fire

“It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.”
― Rick Riordan, The Last Olympian

“Loki'd!”
― Tom Hiddleston

“There is also a CAN OF PEANUTS on the desk. Ha ha, oh DAD. You won't be falling for THAT one again any time soon.

A severe peanut allergy is a terrible affliction to cope with.”
― Andrew Hussie, Homestuck Book One

“mostly we've had to found ways to amuse ourselves."
"Really?" Valkyrie asked. "Like what?"
Plight's smile faded. "Like human sacrifice."
He grabbed one arm and Lenka grabbed the other and Valkyrie cried out.
Then they both let go. laughing.
"Naw," Plight said, we just play board games."
..."she fell for it!" gasped Lenka. "She fell for the human sacrifice bit!”
― Derek Landy, Kingdom of the Wicked

“I already have a plan." Celie said, raising her hand as she would with her tutor.
"Do you?" Rolf's eyes gleamed. "What is it?"
"I don't think you'll like it, Lilah." Celie apologized straightaway. "It involves manure...a great deal of manure."
Rolf started to laugh again.”
― Jessica Day George

“The other four houses yielded jewelry, wallets, credit cards, laptops, iPads and Kindles, even a couple of expensive looking vases....

"You didn't do anything stupid like writing IOUs and signing your name, did you?"
"That's an excellent idea," said Danny. He stepped back through the gate, waited for a count of five, and then returned to Eric. Now Eric was standing, and when he saw Danny he visibly sagged with relief. "What kind of moron are you?"
"The fun-loving kind," said Danny. "I'm not an idiot, of course I didn't sign my name to IOUs."
"Good."
"I signed yours.”
― Orson Scott Card, The Lost Gate

“ “My Peregrination Cap,” he grumbles, straightening his tie and vest while wavering on wobbly legs.
I gesture to the layer of moths crawling around on Gizmo’s roof. “We lost a few of them to the wind. Sorry.”
“Brilliant.” Scowling, Morpheus walks over and sweeps his hand across the insects, coaxing them to form the hat. They manage all but the brim. He puts it on anyway and turns to me.
I bite my cheeks in an effort not to laugh.
He narrows his eyes. “Don’t get too cheeky, little plum. Though your prank may have been irresistibly wicked, I’m still in the lead by a set of wings.” ”
― A.G. Howard, Unhinged

“...the nude scene was gone. One projectionist took a frame. Another projectionist took a frame. Everybody wanted to make a naked slide of Angie Dickinson. Porno got into theaters and these projectionists, some guys they built collections that got epic.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

“They devoured books and pulld legendary stunts, like the time they set off a small bomb next to one of their teachers during class to protest his refusal to teach them about Marx.”
― Sarah Prager, Queer, There and Everywhere: 23 People Who Changed the World

“Per se, a prank is meant to thank.
Rethink and thank the soft spank.
And fill in the blank,
Not even over drank,
Knelt when they made you walk the plank.”
― Ana Claudia Antunes, ACross Tic

“An anonymous prank is one of the most efficacious ways to enforce discipline. A prank performed with appropriate finesse avoids a direct confrontation and the resulting laughter elicited from a prank informs the offender that their actions are unacceptable. The utilitarian aim of laughter is group improvement. A practical joke must avoid verging on cruelty.”
― Kilroy J. Oldster, Dead Toad Scrolls

“I'm not a fan of April Fools' Day. I can take a joke; I just don't want to BE the joke.”
― Stewart Stafford

“He’d thrown the screwdriver after discovering I’d removed all the screws from his office chair but, really, who gets back from lunch to discover a screwdriver and 46 screws on their desk and still sits down?”
― David Thorne, Wrap It In A Bit Of Cheese Like You're Tricking The Dog

“Johnny's Sh*temare by Stewart Stafford

Amber did sh*t in Johnny's bed,
She did it while he was sleeping,
Right by Johnny's head.

Stank awake on a mattress lumpy,
He saw what Amber had left him,
A hot, steaming grumpy.

Browned off, he leapt to his feet,
No dogs stained his manhood,
Or crapped on the sheet.

Now he's sued her for defamation,
And they call her Amber Turd,
For her reckless defecation.

© Stewart Stafford, 2022. All rights reserved.”
― Stewart Stafford

“When Ascyltes, loaded down with all these woes, was falling asleep, the maid he had rejected and insulted rubbed the whole of his face with a generous quantity of ash. He felt nothing, and she went on to paint graffiti-style penises on his shoulders and sides.”
― Sarah Ruden, The Satyricon

“I crawled back to bed, knowing I was done for. Hours later, the phone in our room started ringing. It was George. He was not happy.
"Room 312. Now!" he shouted.
Bouldy got up. I tried to pull myself together, splashing my face with water and hauling on my shorts and flip flops. It was a lovely day outside, the sun was scorching hot and there wasn't a cloud in the sky, but it might as well have been a pissing wet morning in St Albans for all I cared. I felt sick to the pit of my stomach as we made the Walk of Death to Room 312, which I knew was Paul and Gus's room.
When we walked in, I thought I'd arrived in downtown Baghdad. Water dripped from the ceiling. The board games were in pieces and all the plastic parts were scattered over the floor. The balcony window was wide open and I could see a bed upended by the pool outside.”
― Paul Merson, How Not to Be a Professional Footballer

“You can't be happy, you was prank again and again and you was just in a trap nothing else. That wasn't him, even this and that guy. You just killed the witnesses and few cops!”
― Deyth Banger

“He sped down Melrose Avenue, skating from shade to shade to the deeper darkness along the north-facing shops. Papers fluttered and leaves trembled in his wake. Outside a dress boutique two girls turned, startled by the change in air he had caused. They glanced at each other and laughed.
The dark pretty one whispered, "Someone just walked over our graves."
That made them laugh again, but Stanton sensed more. He twirled back and savored their fear. He wanted to drop into his body and become solid in front of them but he didn't have time. Instead he whispered, "Death is riding on the wind."
Their eyes shot open and he sucked in that terror.”
― Lynne Ewing, The Sacrifice

“Things get a bit out of hand at Caroline's. No one eats anything, someone pisses in the pot plants and the turkey is stuffed, arse up, down the toilet. I didn’t see who did it, but it was obviously the silly English boys, the Americans would never do anything like that, they’re much more respectful.”
― Viv Albertine, Clothes, Clothes, Clothes. Music, Music, Music. Boys, Boys, Boys

“I believe you just got spanked," Gregori said. "And by a girl.”
― Christine Feehan, Dark Slayer

“Because all of this was the same as a medical “hidden camera,” the difference being that they could no longer catch him off guard; they had already tried so many times that all they could do was risk “hiding the hidden,” hoping to slip it in between levels.
He watched them talk, his attention waxing and waning at irregular intervals, as a result of which the two enthusiastic and youthful — almost frenetic — faces he had so close to his began to seem unreal. And they were, he had no doubt about this, though only up to a certain point; because they did belong to two human beings of flesh and blood. The intensive use of hidden cameras in the last few years (in order to pull off all kinds of pranks, but also to catch corrupt officials, dishonest businessmen, tax evaders, and criminal infiltrators into the medical profession) required using up actors at a phenomenal rate, for they could never be employed a second time because of the risk of blowing their cover. They had to always be new, debutants; they couldn’t have appeared on any screen ever before, not even as extras, because given the high degree of distrust that had infiltrated society, the least hint of recognition was enough to ruin the operation. And that same, constantly increasing distrust forced actors to be constantly getting better, more believable. It was astonishing that they didn’t run out of them; of course, they didn’t need to be professionals (with the new Labor Contract Law, they were not strictly required to be members of the union), but in cases where a lot was at stake, it must have required a difficult decision to place the success or failure of an operation in the hands of an amateur.”
― César Aira, The Miracle Cures of Dr. Aira

“Depois de ouvir todo tipo de ameaça e declarações degradantes, comecei a perder grande parte da conversa entre os árabes e seus cúmplices americanos, e a certa altura mergulhei em meus pensamentos. Tinha vergonha de que meu povo estivesse sendo usado para esse horrível trabalho por um governo que afirma ser o líder do mundo livre democrático, um governo que prega contra a ditadura e “luta” pelos direitos humanos e manda seus filhos para a morte por esse objetivo: que peça esse governo prega em seu próprio povo!”
― Mohamedou Ould Slahi, Guantánamo Diary: Restored Edition

“The DJ announced the couple. As Alfie took Camila in his arms and spun her around, the strains of Kanye West's "Gold Digger" blasted across the tent.
Camila and Alfie stood paralyzed on the dance floor, staring at us with horror on their faces. Mary Ellen just about leapt on top of the DJ's equipment in an attempt to shut it off. He immediately understood he was in huge trouble, and after a few seconds of fumbling, Lonestar started to play.
Although we tried to recover the best we could, the damage was done. The couple danced together, but Camila's face was ashen as she clearly fought back tears.
Mary Ellen and I cornered the DJ to threaten his life, but he told us the groom's daughters had given him the orders, telling him it was a funny joke that their future stepmother would love. How could anyone believe jokes were ever appropriate at weddings?
Apparently they had also given him $500 to play the song, which really sealed the deal. There was nothing scarier than a mean girl with a boatload of cash.”
― Mary Hollis Huddleston, Without a Hitch

“Her breath tasted like the awful punch he had made”
― Jane Washington, Plier

“When someone insists on playing with you from another unknown number, send them this:

“Is the job complete? Let me know and I’ll meet you with the other half of the money.
Dress in all black and wear a ski mask with a red flag.”

That’ll do it.”
― Niedria Kenny

“When I got back to New York I found I hadn’t lost the old touch. The first day in town, Chico and I took a stroll through Times Square and, having nothing better to do, decided to sell money to a policeman.
We stopped a friendly looking cop in front of Lindy’s and asked if he’d like to buy some used cash, cheap. He gave us a tolerant smile, winked, and walked on. We stopped him again. Chico flashed a dollar bill and said our special introductory offer was one buck for ninety cents. He gave the cop the dollar. The cop thought for a minute, rubbed the bill, then gave Chico ninety cents. Next we offered him a two-dollar bill for one-seventy. He bought the two-dollar bill.
It was obvious he was humoring us along until he could decide whether we were a couple of nuts or a team of con artists. It was also obvious that he liked the bargains he was getting. But by the time we offered him a five-spot for four-fifty, he was convinced that something fishy was going on. He said he was going to haul us both in, unless we told him what our racket was.
Chico shrugged and gave him a cheerful grin. “No racket, officer,” he said. “We just like to sell money, that’s all.”
The cop muttered that he was right in the first place-a couple of nuts. He got away from us as fast as he could.”
― Harpo Marx, Harpo Speaks!

“Not long after this, I felt in the mood for another good deed. The beneficiary this time was Tiffany’s, the famous jewelry store on Fifth Avenue. Tiffany’s, I told myself, was too stuffy for its own good, and something had to be done about it.
I bought a bag full of fake emeralds, rubies and diamonds, at Woolworth’s, then went to Tiffany’s. I asked to look at some diamonds. The clerk pulled out a tray of stones, and while I looked at them I turned over the bag from Woolworth’s, behind my back. Jewels went spilling and bouncing all over the joint. Bells rang. Buzzers buzzed. Store detectives appeared out of the woodwork, hustled out all the other customers and locked the doors. Meanwhile the whole sales staff, including the manager, in cutaway coat and striped trousers, were down on their hands and knees retrieving my sparkling gems.
When they were all collected and put in my hat, the manager saw they were phony, every one of them. The attitude of Tiffany’s changed abruptly. The store dicks hustled me out the door, with the recommendation that I never return to the premises. On the way out, for a final touch, I tipped the doorman a giant ruby.
Tiffany’s, I found out, had a long memory. Five years later I went back there to make a legitimate purchase, some silver for a wedding present. The minute I stepped into the store, two detectives recognized me and grabbed me. I convinced them I was carrying no fake jewels. Nevertheless, they stood close by while I bought the gift, and followed me to the door with visible signs of relief.
On the way out, I tipped the doorman a giant ruby.”
― Harpo Marx, Harpo Speaks!

“We decided to have lunch on the train. The diner was crowded, and an old lady asked if we minded her taking the fourth chair at our table. That was okay with us. It was only mildly embarrassing to George. He was apprehensive, I could tell, that I might somehow get involved with the old lady and make a scene. But I said nothing to her. I didn’t even look at her.
She finished eating first. The waiter brought her check on a saucer. Still not looking up from my plate, I reached for the saucer, salted and peppered the lady’s check, and ate it. Kaufman twisted in such agony that I was afraid he was going to screw himself through the bottom of the car.”
― Harpo Marx, Harpo Speaks!

“That weekend, at the Kaufmans’, we got into a hot session of croquet.
During a game one of the servants came to the court to announce that two ladies from the Society of Friends were in the house, keeping their appointment with Mrs. Kaufman. Beatrice excused herself-she’d forgotten the date, something to do with local charities-and said she’d only be gone a few minutes.
Half an hour passed. George was getting edgy. It would be his shot as soon as the game resumed, and he was in a good position to win. He couldn’t wait any longer. He went inside to rescue Beatrice from the Quakers. Twenty minutes passed. No Beatrice. No George either. Now I was getting edgy. I looked in the window. There sat both the Kaufmans, cozily sipping tea with the ladies from the Society of Friends. I went to the kitchen and dumped a bottle of ketchup down the front of my shirt and pants. I went to the doorway of the living room, where I stood, dripping ketchup.
“Excuse me, Ma’am,” I said, addressing Beatrice. “I’ve killed the one cat and he’ll be ready for dinner, but I still haven’t caught the other one. Will one be enough?”
The visitors departed in haste, and our game resumed. Beatrice couldn’t stop laughing over the Quakers’ retreat, but George was practically reduced to ashes. He couldn’t get his ball through another wicket, and never did make it to the stake.”
― Harpo Marx, Harpo Speaks!