Funny As Hell Quotes

Quotes tagged as "funny-as-hell" Showing 1-30 of 64
Lili St. Crow
“Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch.”
Lili St. Crow

Rachel Hawkins
“I [dad] spent hours on the phone. Do you know with whom?'
'One of those psychic hotlines?' Dad gritted his teeth. 'If only...”
Rachel Hawkins, Demonglass

Jeaniene Frost
“That face. That body. And you know he’s packing. Look at the angle on that dangle.”
Jeaniene Frost, One Grave at a Time

“Girls are always complaining that they can never meet a nice guy. Nice guys are everywhere. The problem isn’t that there aren't any nice guys, the problem is that all of the nice guys are ugly.”
Carroll Bryant

James Patterson
“I love Nudge, Nudge is a great kid, but that motormouth of hers could
have turned Mother Teresa into an ax murderer”
James Patterson, The Angel Experiment

Kristen Proby
“Yeah, I got her,” Will confirms.
“Who you got?” I ask.
“You, drunk girl. Come on.” He turns to lead me toward the exit, and I start to follow him, but for some reason my feet don’t work very well.
“Um, Will?”
“Yeah?”
“I lost my feet.”
“What?” he laughs and pinches the bridge of his nose.
“I can’t find my feet.”
Why is everyone laughing at me? This is serious!”
Kristen Proby, Play with Me

Jeaniene Frost
“Sorry. My friends didn't mention certain....details about you and you just wouldn't believe how nutty some people are. Just last week, I had a woman convinced her trailer was haunted by Tupac, as if he'd want to spend eternity in a double wide that smelled like cat piss.”
Jeaniene Frost, One Grave at a Time

Charlaine Harris
“You take I-55 south, and you'll run into I-20. Or you could take..."

I was about to be overloaded with information. "Oh that sounds just perfect. Let me do just that, or I'll lose track."

Sure, glad I could help."

Oh, you surely did."

We beamed at each other, just two nice women. I had to fight an impulse to say "I have a tortured vampire in my trunk," out of sheer giddiness.”
Charlaine Harris, Club Dead

Cassandra Clare
“If I feel the urge to burst into flames, I'll let you know. " Simon never had much patience with Jace. "Look, did you ask me to come all the way uptown just so you could stare at me like I was something in a petri dish? Next time I'll send you a photo. " "And I'll frame it and put it on my nightstand, " said Jace sarcastically.”
Cassandra Clare, The Mortal Instruments

Cassandra Clare
“Don't look pleased with yourself. When Will says 'enterprising, ' he means 'morally deficient. '" "No, I mean enterprising, " said Will. "When I mean morally deficient, I say, 'Now, that's something I would have done. ”
Cassandra Clare, The Mortal Instruments

Jeaniene Frost
“He also deeply distrusts vampires, as you had guessed yourself,” Bones added. “Aside from that, all I heard was enough repetitions of ‘how many chucks could a woodchuck chuck’ to make me want to stake myself.”
Jeaniene Frost, One Grave at a Time

Matthew Bracey
“It didn’t take him thirty seconds to have a swig of vodka and a hefty sniff before his hands were as steady as a bloke with his bollocks caught in a zip”
Matthew Bracey, Steel Dogs

“I think we're avoiding the most important question here. What matters most. What means the most to men like us."

Conall growled at Billy Dunwich's sincere face. "I am not telling you if she swallows."

Dunwich smiled. "Just tell me if she's a good girl...or if she's a very good girl?”
Shelly Laurenston, Go Fetch!

Madeleine Urban
“This dudes nuttier than squirrel shit."

-Ty Henderson”
Madeleine Urban

April Henry
“Who's stupid now, Jimbo?!”
April Henry, Girl, Stolen

Cardeno C.
“Its a good thing I'm here, big guy, because you have shit taste in friends."

Okay, I said the last part intentionally, knowing how Aaron would react. And right on cue, Aaron said:

"He's not my friend!"

"Well, I guess that settles it, Nick. You're not going to be rebound guy because, despite your predictions of woe, Aaron and I aren't breaking up. I'd say that we'll see you around, but I doubt that'll happen since you don't even rate friend status.”
Cardeno C., He Completes Me

Jake Wizner
“There once was a man who was sore
'Cuz his wife wouldn't open the door.
Celibacy
is just not for me
Let me in, you cock-teasing whore.”
Jake Wizner, Spanking Shakespeare

Regina Griffin
“Ish #303 "It's a street food vendor! Stop asking for the health score rating.”
Regina Griffin

Dana Marie Bell
“You talked to your mother about Duncan's erectile dysfunction?" He glared down at her. "Has he considered taking your TV away?”
Dana Marie Bell, Noble Blood

Michele Jaffe
“Are you wearing space pants?" Miranda asked him.
"What?"
How did it end? oh, right. "Because your butt is fine."
He gazed at her in that way he had like he was measuring her for straitjacket. "I think-" he started, then stopped and seemed to be having trouble talking. Cleared his throat three times before saying, "I think the line is 'because your butt is out of this world."
"Oh. That makes a lot more sense. I can see that. See, I read this book about how to get guys to like you and they said it was a line that never failed but i got interrupted in the middle and the line before it was about china-not the country, the kind you eat off of-and that is where the fine part was but i must have gotten them confused. He just kept staring at her.”
Michele Jaffe, Prom Nights from Hell

Cynthia Leitich Smith
“Miranda: You say you were my guardian angel. Does that mean you watched me all the time? Like when I got my period or doctored a zit or took a shower or-

Zachary: I'm an angel, not a Peeping Tom.”
Cynthia Leitich Smith

Dana Marie Bell
“Here. There. Everywhere." He leered at his friend. "Thinking about you and Moira's
underwear.”
Dana Marie Bell, Noble Blood

Margaret Watson
“She thinks you're stalking me."
"Why the hell would I do that? I see too much of your ugly mug as it is.”
Margaret Watson, Protect Me

Regina Griffin
“Ish #21 "Stop saying the only meat you eat is chicken. It's still meat!”
Regina Griffin

Sherrilyn Kenyon
“My favorite part of dreams. Clothing is optionable." V'Aidan”
Sherrilyn Kenyon, Dark Bites

Terry Pratchett
“What the hell. If you had to go, why not go with style?”
Terry Pratchett, Good Omens

“To be fair he is Lord Byron," Jane said. "I don't know many people who haven't slept with him at one time or another." -- Jane Fairfax”
Michael Thomas Ford, Jane Vows Vengeance

David  Wong
“Kools never did get along with partners. He once stabbed a fella over whose turn it was to drive. Kools says I want to drive and the other fella says sure and Kools stabbed him in the face.”
David Wong, Futuristic Violence and Fancy Suits

Kieran Scott
“I wanted to puke, and from the intense paint stench that was assaulting my nasal passages. Sage wanted Gaberot, Not Tucker, not Joe, but Gabe. It was all too gross to contemplate. So of course my brain couldn't stop contemplating it.
Sage and Gabe-rot sitting in the tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G!
We worked in silence for a few minutes while I fumed. How could she grill me about Gabe when she was already dating Mr.Perfect? If only Daniel were here to hear all of this instead of sitting back at SDH oblivious.
"So are you and Gabe, like close?" Sage asked.
Ugh!
"Very close," I said, tilting my head to one side,"Incestuous,actually. He's a fabulous kisser.”
Kieran Scott, I Was a Non-Blonde Cheerleader

Sherrilyn Kenyon
“So, slim who is this designer asshole?" Falcyn
"That's Mr. Asshole to you Dragon.”
Sherrilyn Kenyon, Dragonsworn

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