Jake Wizner



I was supposed to be born on Hitler’s birthday. To my mother’s great relief, I arrived late and was born on Freud’s birthday instead. My parents wanted to name me Max, but my grandfather, a Holocaust refugee, strenuously objected, saying the name sounded too German. My original birth certificate read Baby Boy Wizner.

My mother was a college dean, and I spent the first ten years of my life living in a dormitory. I ate meals in the college dining hall, explored the campus tunnels, and became a foosball prodigy, sharpening my skills against opponents more than twice my age. Occasionally, I would sleepwalk around the dormitory at night, and be picked up by drunk students returning from parties in the early morning hours.

I went to Wesleyan Univer

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“There once was a man who was sore
'Cuz his wife wouldn't open the door.
is just not for me
Let me in, you cock-teasing whore.”
Jake Wizner, Spanking Shakespeare

“I wrote you this poem because i was afraid/ To come out and tell you i want to get laid.”
Jake Wizner



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