S.R. Crawford's Blog, page 8

A Literal Dream Come True…

I’m off to Japan in a week. On the one hand, I’m a little nervous. I don’t quite like flying, the claustrophobia of being “trapped” on the plane for hours. But I’ve worked on that fear and I’m more confident than ever.

I’ve got this!

All that’s left is the going. The build up, as I say, has been nerve-wracking. When we first booked the trip, I became overwhelmed. So much we could do, so much to see, navigating the cities, how will be fit everything in that’s a “must see” and not to mention the culture differences we must respect. It just felt daunting, like an impossible task. And so I fell to worrying, apathy and distraction.

Now May is here and thank god, I’m just excited now! I worked with a hypnotherapist and a counsellor (not just about this but I mentioned it, of course) which has helped me reframe my thinking and feel more in control and confident. I’ve also listened to audiobooks about altering your personality and self talk. All this alongside increased meditation and fitness has helped me to feel more confident and comfortable which has finally allowed room for the excitement to kick in.

This is a dream trip. I was supposed to go when I was 18 with my Japanese class. Due to funding, this didn’t happen. This is the manifestation of 18 year old Siana’s dream come true. She is finally able to go…

Message to myself

Please, enjoy this. Soak up every minute and don’t get in your head about it. You’re not away long, so be present. Breathe it all in. Try new things and don’t be afraid of the unknown. You are strong and capable and so you can do anything you need to do to make this work. You have your amazing husband with you who is brilliant at navigating maps and new terrain, so he will keep you safe.

You are safe.

This is going to be amazing whatever happens. You have a list of things you’d like to do and see but allow room for spontaneity and flexibility. Let the cities talk to you. Get up early and stay up late so you don’t miss a moment, but don’t rush or fret. Go at a slow pace so you can take it all in.

Don’t let a dream become a nightmare because of your mind playing tricks on you.

Eat your way through Japan. Inhale the cherry blossom. Experience things you never have before. Let this place, this dream, reignite your passion and bring you to life.

You are deserving. You are so deserving. You made this happen, now enjoy and embrace every moment.

A message to you, dear reader

Don’t waste moments. Don’t let the waiting and planning of something take away from the excitement and joy of the thing itself. Ten times out of ten, the worrying is worse than the event itself. There’s a lot in our control and a lot that isn’t, and both should be comforting. It means we needn’t drive ourselves mad with trying to make everything perfect. We can only do what we can and control how we think and feel about things. If something didn’t go as planned, accept and make the most of what you have.

Let dreams be good. Let them excite you. Let them make you feel alive.

Stay tuned for my japan trip blog posts in June!!

Sincerely,

S. xx

A shy writer’s guide to talking to other writers!

I wanted to write this post purely for myself! I had an encounter at work where a coworker told me someone had told them that I was a writer. This was nice and I didn’t get embarrassed (for once) but when it came time to actually talk writing and books, I panicked. Luckily, he had to dash off anyway but another encounter is coming! I mean, I talk about writing every week on my podcast and with my bestie, so why was this so hard?!

Why it’s hard to talk about writing and being a writer

It’s hard to talk about our writing because it’s often deeply personal. Whether it’s fiction or non-fiction, we put ourselves and our interests into our work. This is why it can be hard to talk to others about it unless they already know us well. It’s like saying “hey stranger, judge me, please, on the fact that I love faeries or want to write about pregnancy phobias!” It’s scary, vulnerable stuff.

Then there’s the fact that it’s often a case of our ideas are new and unorganised and so it’s hard to then cohesively and impressively express that to other writers or people who take an interest in our work. What if it comes out all wrong? What if they think it’s stupid and it taints the idea for us (happens to me all the time!). What if they find all the holes in my work?

Lastly, I don’t know about all writers, but my process isn’t simple. It’s not a case of a list of things I always do to create my stories. Therefore, explaining it to others or sharing tips can be hard at times in an in-person conversation. I much prefer the blog and podcast format where I can update you every week with my new writing process tips!

Tips for shy writers on how to talk about your writing

When speaking to other writers, remember that they should know a little about how you feel. They too may feel awkward or worried about sharing their work and process. Remember you can help one another, laugh at the same mishaps you’ve had, and maybe find a new friend. That problem you’ve been having could be a thing of the past once you learn how to open up.

Quick tips:

Ask what genre they write or are drawn to most Discuss any aspirations you both have Ask if they prefer shorter or longer fiction writing Are they more of a prose writer or character driven or plot driven (or other) Discuss different drafting styles – fast draft, zero draft, outlining, plotting, discovery writing, short story to novel conversion and all the rest Discuss your favourite authors or books (this shows an insight, sometimes, into who they are as a writer too) Ask who inspires them and what kind of book (or other) they would like their work to be likeAsk if they have shared their work anywhere before (self published, traditionally, online, paid work, competitions, website etc)Discuss what your best writing practices and motivations are – morning, night, coffee in hand, after a yoga session, lighting a candle, on a Sunday afternoon etc Ask if you can read some of their work or offer your help if they are stuck on something and need feedback

In short, writers need to be friends with other writers. It makes the lonely pursuit of this dream so much easier. And everyone is a stranger until you say hello! Be brave enough to have a conversation and start a friendship or partnership that could be pivotal for you both.

Happy friend-making and writing to you!

Sincerely,

S. xx

How to get out of a creative rut – What to do when you’re between story ideas

This post is very much for me (like most, to be honest). I’m between stories right now. I haven’t got an idea that excites me so much I can’t stop thinking about it or wait to write it. I am of the mind that writers should be disciplined. That if you have a story idea that you love, you should make time to write it and work on it.

But what do you do when ideas keep washing around in your head but nothing is really sticking? Firstly, I’ll tell you a little about what I’m going through creatively right now so you can know what I mean and maybe you can see it’s normal if you are, too.

My situation and frustrations

Since finishing university in May of last year and graduating in November, I thought “yes, more free time to write!” You can imagine my disappointment, then, when I’ve only been able to finish one draft of a novel in the almost year that it’s been. I’ve had many ideas and followed many threads, but then I go to write and the idea suddenly feels less exciting. Flat, even. So I work on it some more and then I still feel like something isn’t quite right.

Is it me? Is it the story? How can I know for sure?

It feels like a creative rut. It hurts to feel this. Every summer break since working in education, I’ve written a full draft of a novel, ranging from 75,000-88,000 words. In the autumn of 2022, I wrote a 38,000 word shorter draft of a contemporary fantasy after writing an 85,000 word draft in that summer. All while still being a university student and working! I know I can write. I can write even when busy.

Is that the problem?

Now that I have more free time, with university being over, is the expectation and pressure too much? I’ve the free time to do it and so I expect it and therefore can’t do it?

Sometimes it feels like creativity is a rebellious teen! It wants to be seen and heard and play with you at all the wrong moments, but when you want to play, it eludes you. When you have time to get down to the story, the story rejects you.

It’s frustrating and I don’t want that to be true. That’s just how it feels for me right now.

As I said, over the last year, I’ve had plenty of ideas. Cozy fantasy ideas; quirky fantasy; more contemporary fantasy; more horror leaning; many settings and characters… I’ve brainstormed and plotted. I’ve outlined using story structure templates and I’ve tried to pants and discovery write. I’ve tried to go with the flow and also follow a plot outline. I’ve decided to go slow and let things unfold in its time; and I’ve tried to fast zero draft. I’ve created Pinterest boards and Milanote boards for ideas and inspiration.

But nothing seems to stick.

I’ve started about 8-9 drafts of different stories or perspectives on the same idea. This is unlike me. I usually get excited enough to start a draft and tend to finish it. I think 2018, or thereabouts, was the last time I kept writing stories and not finishing them.

Something feels off.

Changing perspective

I (and perhaps you, too), have two choices. Sit around feeling angry and frustrated, or do something about it. Maybe you’re like me and you feel like you’ve tried everything to get inspired and / or disciplined. Great. If that’s the case, maybe all that there’s left to do is accept it.

This is where I’m at right now, and that’s okay.

It’s normal to have ebbs and flows, peaks and valleys with your creativity and writing. It’s normal to feel creatively off. Just like all things in life, we have times of being inspired and active, and times when we need to take a break and reflect. This is just like the seasons. Maybe we are in a creative winter right now. Maybe the pockets of ideas that aren’t sticking are the first flowers that bloom in early spring while it’s still frosty outside. They struggle to come through and take up space. That’s okay.

Summer always comes…

Things to do to get out of a creative rut and you have no story ideas

Take a break from expecting yourself to produce. This is very hard when you consider yourself a “serious” writer. When you want to be professional and disciplined and not let your writing get away from you. But if you don’t have ideas right now or nothing feels exciting enough, it’s okay, and perhaps important, to take a break away. When we try to chase something, it keeps running away. Anyone with a dog knows this! Or when a plastic bag gets caught in the wind! Instead, if we take a break and don’t chase, maybe what we’ve been looking for will find you.

Read through your old work. This is a key one for me but I keep neglecting this. I have about 7 finished drafts that I could be utilising. Whenever I’ve taken the time to read my old work, I’ve felt really good. It’s reminded me that my work is better than I thought. I find old ideas and unique elements of worldbuilding that are so cool that I can repurpose them for new stories. It’s great when you can inspire yourself. It may also remind you that there’s finished drafts waiting for you to edit and make better, if you wish.

Look after your health and have fun. You’re a human being first and a writer/author second (or third or fourth…). You don’t exist just to produce. Life needs to be lived because here’s the secret: that’s where the gold is anyway! By living your life and being present in it, I bet inspiration will come. By having authentic experiences, we taste what life has to offer and not only does it heal our soul, but it enriches our well of creativity. Health is very important for any creative. Are you looking after yourself right now?

Read a lot and analyse the work. We can read our own work but we should also read other novels. Careful not to compare but reading is a writer’s whetstone. It sharpens our swords. But make your reading active not passive. Ask yourself why you enjoyed a book. What works well? What were your favourite parts? This may help you think of interesting ideas for your own work.

Mine your experiences and passions for themes and storylines. What we’ve been through in the past (positive or negative) can have a great impact on us. It shapes us, in one way or another. It could also be a gold mine for ideas. Not only can it be healing to write about our past, it can also be fun. Obviously, be careful not to write about traumatic experiences that don’t feel safe for you. But list your experiences that feel important (big, small, happy, sad and everything in between), and see if anything jumps out at you.

Brainstorm a lot and often. Every time you get an idea, brainstorm. Put the concept in the middle and then just branch off that idea and don’t filter yourself. Let everything just dump out onto the page. It’s all useful. And do this a lot. I did this with all my recent ideas on the same page, so I could see the ideas together. It helps you to see connections that you may not see when they’re just sitting in your head.

Write short pieces just for fun or practice. Novels are daunting. Then, sometimes when you finish but the novel isn’t quite what you wanted anymore, it feels like a lot of wasted time, energy and words. It’s not, of course. Every novel you finish is getting you closer to your dream manuscript, but it feels like a lot. When you feel like you’re in a creative rut, take a step away from novels. To unlock and unstick your creativity, write shorter pieces. Flash fiction, short stories, random scenes, character profiles, poems, all dialogue and no action, descriptive immersive pieces, and so on. Just write…anything! Let your mind go wild and have no expectations of it being a novel, meaning anything, or having to fit any standard.

Journal more often. This is a great way to explore your feelings, look after your emotional and mental health, but also work on your creativity. You can use journal prompts for creativity. You can journal as if you are your characters, to deepen your knowledge of them. You could journal about your goals, your dreams, your motivations for your life. This will all help to inspire and motivate you to write.

Some quick fire tips:

Take long walks and just let things come to you; be mindful and notice thingsTake a course – doesn’t need to be a writing one, it could be anything you find interesting and could spark ideasGo through your captured ideas with a fine tooth comb and see if anything is similarHave deep conversations with people Speak to strangers Try a different hobby or creative outlet for a while Take a trip to refresh your perspective Write in a new genre or a perspective you usually wouldn’t Follow your interests and passions in other ways, like volunteering with animals or going on a hike or painting to refill your creative cupWatch your favourite things and see if anything is sparked

At the end of the day, writing is a beautiful but sometimes tough task. It’s romanticised a lot but sometimes, it just doesn’t feel good or go to plan. That’s okay. If you’ve written anything at all, you’re doing great. If you have finished a big project in the last year, don’t expect yourself to easily write another. Some people can, and sometimes you may, but not always. Novels are a lot of words! Be kind to yourself and you’ll be writing avidly again in no time.

Sincerely,

S. xx

Episode 29: the last episode of the Twenties Season

I made it, 29… It feels very strange. I embraced 28 a lot easier than 29. And even more strange, I’m sort of excited for my 30s. I feel like being 30+ brings with it a newfound confidence and self-assurance. The twenties are a rocky time. I’ve not enjoyed much of adulthood so far! Or maybe that’s not true. We do have a negativity bias, after all, and so I’m forgetting the plethora of amazing moments I’ve experienced so far.

But 29…

I listened to a guided meditation called “signalling a new timeline” and I loved this idea. That we can signal and embrace new timelines within our lives. Each day is a new opportunity to be who you want to be. You just have to actively choose what you want that to look like. You have to be crystal clear and intentional about what you want.

I’m still unsure. I don’t like that I’m going into episode 29 feeling unsure about some things still. It’s only natural to have doubts but I like the symbolism of clarity around a new birthday or month or season. Is it too much to ask that my last year in my 20s answers a lot of long held questions instead of leaving that residue in my 30s?

Maybe that’s just it, episode 29 is my journey to clarity. Finding ways to connect with myself more. Unlocking and acquainting myself with my spirit, my inner knowing.

This year so far I’ve done a lot of work on my self-talk, idea of myself and what I want. I’ve done hypnotherapy and counselling, listened to podcasts and audiobooks about personality changes and confidence and the like. This is all hopefully walking me in the direction of a healthy, more relaxed and confident self.

I don’t want to hold tension inside of me anymore

This will take some time to manifest, I know, as I’m undoing years of clenched fists, tense shoulders and contracting muscles. Years of a churning stomach, ever turbulent and warning of danger. A mind clouded with fog confusing my view and guiding me in the dark.

But this season of my life has to end with me working hard on that goal of clarity and less tension. Not perfection or walking into my 30s now 100% confident. But a stronger, happier, clearer me.

What I’m calling forth for episode 29 and the final episode of the twenties season of my life:

Advanced yoga practices – try an in-person class, do advanced classes online etc Work on my self talk until that muscle and voice is well trained to work for me not against meJapan trip (dream trip)Playing with my clothing style for confidence and self expressionAlways Be Writing as my motto – whatever, whenever, however, just do it!Keep reading until I find an easy 5 star book! Training my intuition and inner knowing so I can trust my decision making skills Connecting more deeply with those I love and inviting new and positive people into my life who will enrich my journey Cultivating calm and peace with playfulness in my heart and soul

Sincerely,

S. xx

How to step outside of your comfort zone – it’s not what you may think

When we think about growth, we know we’re supposed to step out of our comfort zone. Comfort zones are great but if you stay there too long, you find you never grow, learn new things or expand your what’s comfortable for you. You stay small, play small, and never challenge yourself. You may miss out on your full potential.

But maybe you’re like me and have always felt that expanding your comfort zone always needs to be some big thing. That growing outside your comfort zone must mean making huge changes and taking on big challenges.

Good news – It doesn’t!

Ways to expand your comfort zone that aren’t hugeChange your routine Do a different kind of workout Wear a more out-there outfit to workRead something a little different, maybe a new genre or something more literaryWatch a documentary on a complex topic Have a conversation with someone new or someone with different opinions from youTry a new recipe or meal from a restaurantLearn a new language on DuolingoTake a new route to work If you’re an artist or creative, do your craft differently, i.e. writing a story out of order or using a different kind of paintDance at the next party you go toTalk to your colleagues during lunchtime instead of scrolling on your phoneIn fact, do anything other than scrolling on your phone when bored, tired, or uncomfortable!Style your hair in a different wayTake an online course in your spare time (many let you go at your own pace)Try a new yoga pose (safely, please!)Get a different coffee orderWake up a little earlierUse a planner and actually plan!Throw out your to-do list and wing itTake a spontaneous tripJournal or meditate to explore yourself and deeper emotions – if you already do this, do it for longer!

There are many little ways to step out of your comfort zone that may be more profound and important than big leaps like moving city, solo traveling, quitting your job, or becoming a martial artist! We always look at the big things as impressive but small things done more consistently are way more powerful and have a lasting effect on our confidence and what becomes our new comfort zone.

What will you do to expand your comfort zone this Spring?

Sincerely,

S. xx

The power of going slow when writing (and in life)

This week, I started a new novel. I’m very excited about this one as it’s slightly different from the ones I’ve done before, but it is inspired by the last three high fantasy novels I’ve written over the last two years. However, there’s something I need to fight at the moment: the urge to rush.

For about the last 5-6 years, I’ve been a fast drafter. I get the first draft done in 1-2 months after building the idea beforehand. No real editing as I go, just pushing through excitedly to the end. Now, there’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, I pride myself on my ability to write so much, so quickly sometimes! (Bear in mind that I have worked in schools for 4 years and before that, I was part-time employed while studying and before that a freelancer, so I had more free time than some other full-time workers).

But I feel that this isn’t the right path for this novel. That maybe the reason none of my drafts since 2018 have gripped me enough to keep editing them and want to pursue publishing is because they were rushed.

Maybe going slow is the answer.

The power of a slower pace

In all areas of life, going slow has its place and beauty. When we rush, we miss things. Important things. Rush a conversation, a task, a piece of art, and it loses its value. It doesn’t quite achieve what it may have with more consideration and attention.

I’m not saying I’m going to let what should be a short book take me years to write! That would be a major unnecessary overcorrect on my part. What I am saying, though, is there’s nothing wrong with slowing down and it may help me get this draft right this time. Or rather, feel out the world and the characters in a more intimate and intuitive way.

What’s better – rushing through time with someone you’ve just met, or taking a little time with them here and there to get to know them deeper? It’s like speed dating versus regular mini-dates and phone calls and texts! The same goes for our characters and the worlds we build.

When we are slower, we are more intentional. More considerate and efficient. Our sentences sing. Our characters make more realistic choices. The setting grows and comes alive, becoming its own character (as it should be!). With a slower pace and more time, the story may just come to life in a way rushing couldn’t allow.

In general, I want to calm down. I want to smell the roses. I want to know I’m safe and worthy even if I don’t hustle, grind, and constantly perform as hyperproductive. It’s exhausting. I’ve been thinking about this in terms of my yoga practice. Yoga should be sacred and intuitive and spiritual, not just some rushed, tick-box activity I can say I’ve done for the day and then go on rushing around. I’m meant to take the yogic teachings off the mat into my everyday life. The same goes for my writing. I don’t want to just tick a box. I don’t want to do it because I have to and I’m forcing myself just to get it done. Wham bam thank you mam! No!

I want to enjoy the practice and so I need to slow down and be in it mindfully.

I’ve just finished The Tao of Pooh, a fun little philosophical book that reminded me that things get done when we don’t fuss and fret and force them. That overthinking, intelligence and knowledge are not the ways to happiness and success. It’s achieved with a slower pace, more care, and inner nature.

As I said, fast drafts have their place. In fact, with the summer holidays off, it just makes sense to work hard and get a novel written quickly. But maybe that’s not right for me and this new idea this year. I don’t want to keep doing the same thing expecting different results when I ultimately know it hasn’t worked for me as well as I want it to.

If as I’m going I feel excited and the words are pouring out of me, I’m going to let it happen. That’s my creativity and intuition taking the wheel. What I’m not going to do, though, is beat myself up when I don’t write as much. Or treat every day off as a “must-write day”.

I still have my routines and habits for writing, though. They’re just kinder, longer, more free…

Ideal writing goal so far this year

So this is my plan for right now (my ideas come thick and fast, as you may have noticed, so this may change!).

Weekdays = Write 250 words a day, 3 days a week

Weekends = Write 1,000 words

I ideally want the first draft of this novel completed (how ever rough) before September and the new school year starts. That’s 5 months. As I said, with the summer break, I’m likely to write more than the schedule above, which is only valid for working weeks. However, especially with this Easter half-term break, I’m reminding myself that a break is…a break! I’m not off work to just work myself tired on my novel. Yes, work on them, but not rigidly and rushed so that it exhausts and puts too much pressure on me.

This goal and intention feels good. It’s more time for a draft than I usually give myself, but not an open goal where I allow myself to relax too much and never write anything! I have a different goal for the summer break alongside this, so writing won’t be the only thing taking up my time. Not to mention hopefully some UK trips to make the most of the sunshine.

Life needs to be lived so our stories can be enriched, right?

Do you have any writing goals for spring and summer? Let me know!

Sincerely,

S. Xx

Growth, spring and what it all means for me this year

I’m not quite at the big 3-0, but my turning 29 in under a month feels important. Like it’s my last chance to send off my 20s with a big hoorah. It’s sort of like wrapping that decade in a bow and saying “this is what it meant; this is what I learned” and taking that knowledge into my 30s with a smile on my face. I adore the fact that my birthday is in spring. It feels serendipitous and prosperous. A weightier chance at renewal, rebirth and new beginnings.

I listened to a podcast episode by Kalyn Nicholson today alongside a YouTube video by Unjaded Jade. Both are YouTubers I’ve watched for many years, witnessing them grow and do truly amazing things. In their content, both spoke about growth but in very different ways. Jade had decided to end a long term relationship and was naturally mourning that relationship, but talked about the intuitive decision that she felt she had to make to grow. She spoke about the pain that growth truly is. It’s not sparkly and fun; it hurts and it tests you and it pushes you. Then Kalyn spoke about the change in the season as a call to arms. A chance to emerge from the cocoon and let go of what doesn’t serve you while bringing in some new things that will help you to grow. That this is a time for renewing our philosophy of life and learning new things to take with us into the slower months at the end of the year.

I usually talk about the latter. The springtime growth and new habits and hobbies and most importantly, soaking up nature. But Jade got me, too. The pain that growth is. That growth happens all the time, even when we don’t notice it, because growing is what we must do when things change and the only inevitable in life is change.

Poor ideas of growth and development

I want to talk about growth a little deeper. Sometimes I find myself chasing an idea. This ultimate goal or version of myself. A way to finally be seen, appreciated, celebrated and of course, “perfect”. I look at others and get so toxically jealous. I hate that I don’t look like them or can’t do what they do as easily (seemingly) as they do it. I compare myself to others like it’s an Olympic race that I’m in. I’d win gold if we were in a contest of who can create the most unnecessary competitions!

I haven’t travelled enough

I’m not smart enough

I haven’t bought a house

I don’t have any cool hobbies or skills

I don’t make a lot of money

I don’t have a cool job

I don’t have kids (or am anywhere close to wanting them like I feel I’m supposed to at 29)

I haven’t achieved my dreams

The list goes on and on. And so, growth may mean chasing such goals. Making myself better. Self-improvement and self-actualisation. But actually, a lot of what this means for me is self-consciousness, self-criticism, and selfishness. I don’t look around enough and appreciate what I have and want I’ve done for myself. I don’t focus on my husband or my mom, only my own shortcomings and how hard I have to work still to get what I want. I don’t focus on the kids I support at work, only see it as a long day and another way of feeling trapped in a life I didn’t want.

When we’re not careful, chasing “growth” for the sake of it can lead to never being satisfied.

My brother once said to me when we were young adults that I will never be satisfied. It still haunts me. I worry that he’s right. That my negativity bias, my poor self esteem and my ambition will only lead to my downfall. Like Macbeth or some other tragic hero in Shakespeare’s plays, I will cut myself down. Sever all ties with the beautiful things I have right in front of me, while chasing an idea of perfection or finally being good enough.

I’ve spoken about perfectionism before. I used to think that I’m not a perfectionist because I put out bad content all the time and don’t mind sharing my work online. But I am one. I fear embarrassment and failure all the time. I keep quiet if I’m not 100% sure of something or add “but I don’t know” just in case I’m wrong. I constantly self-deprecate and compare because I don’t see myself as good enough. I keep trying to fit some imagined idea of being worthy. I procrastinate my interests and dreams for fear of getting it wrong.

Im waiting for perfection to finally wrap me up in bubble wrap and protect me from ever feeling pain again.

But I got it all so wrong…

What growth means now

Going into my 29th year, and my final year in my 20s, I finally want a new mindset. I don’t want to list all the ways I could be better. I don’t want to chase a list of bucket list big dreams to prove how cool and exciting my life is. I want to finally manifest what my true desire and passion is. I want to finally step into who I really am, not who I think I need to be to be accepted and loved by others, and not the fear that hides my true form.

That is true growth. That’s the true definition of success.

Growth isn’t about adding to your lists and doing for doing’s sake. Growth is about stepping closer, with intuition or intention, to the truest version of yourself. Not being better. Not being like someone else. Not trying to impress or prove. It’s looking deep within and asking “who am I really?” Asking, “who was I before fear, societal expectations, failures and the opinions of others came along and shook me?”

Growth is reaching for the chisel and chipping away at all the unnecessary weight hanging from you that’s keeping you from being the statue of your true, authentic self.

It is an unburdening. An unveiling. And reacquainting yourself with who you really are or were meant to be.

What I want to grow into

When I imagine my dream life, it’s not constant travel. It’s not a massive house. It’s not loads of social engagements keeping me busy. It’s not having an impressive business to run, making me lots of money. It’s not a large following on social media with fans who demand something from me. It’s not lots of kids and a pressure to be a devoted mom and not have time for myself. It’s not constantly needing to win awards and be celebrated, which comes with so many expectations.

When I’m honest with myself, I just want a quiet, soft life. I want the freedom to live on my own terms. I want to wake up in a house that feels cosy and peaceful. I have space to do my yoga, my writing, my reading. And I have the time to do those things without rushing to fit them around time dictated by others. I want a pretty garden that I can sit and journal in or stretch in the spring and summer. I want dogs to go on walks and frolic with in the meadows. Maybe a child, someone myself and my partner shapes to be kind, funny, fair and creative. Someone who cares about others and the world and isn’t as afraid of it as I have been. I would teach my child that there’s nothing to fear if they are in tune with themselves. I want to feel creative, playful, confident and content. I know I can’t feel happy all the time, but I want to feel at peace knowing I chose my life, not that I settled for it. That I was brave enough to say no to a life pushed on me or expected. I was brave enough to deviate from the norm and choose something simpler, not something grand just to follow what others might want.

The key here is that for so long, I’ve been so afraid of life and doing things. I’ve felt like there’s always a way to fail and hurt. I’ve been in deep depression when things didn’t work out for me. I’ve always been susceptible to anxiety and have an overthinking personality. The antithesis to this and the true self within me is just someone who is at peace. Who doesn’t have to fret and juggle and demand lots from myself. We need to make money in this world and so that’s a problem, but I know I have skills and when I don’t ask for millions from myself, actually I can make a living and live happily with less than I might think. I have options and skills and interests that can make me money, just maybe not as much as I once thought I needed. And all of those things will also bring me joy, fulfil me meaningfully, and enable me to do things more flexibly and on my own terms.

Freedom doesn’t have to mean making enough passive income that you don’t have to work. That’s amazing, but it may not be possible for everyone and that’s okay. Instead, I need to think about how I will feel at peace with working in a way that suits my desired lifestyle and ever-shifting, malleable personality.

Action steps for my growth at 29

This is already a long post, so I’m sorry, but I had a lot to say, clearly! The only last thing to say is what all this reflecting means for me going forward. What am I actually going to do?

Work on the personality traits I want to embody rather than just things I want to do: acceptance, letting go, flexibility, calm, confidence, playfulness, curiosity, daringStop overwhelming myself with all the things I think I should doDeepen my yoga practice and knowledge of its philosophy Write my stories with freedom and fun Slow the F down and smell the F-ing roses! Looking into potential neurodivergence Allow my Japan trip to be fun and casual, not stressful with massive expectations on itStop trying to be like others and be more like me Speaking up and sharing myself Learning to laugh kindly at and with myself Embody playfulness in all things and chill more = lightness Less social media to trigger my comparison (I’m quite good at this but could be even better)

Thank you for reading. I hope your spring brings with it many opportunities for growth and learning and love and peace and most importantly, time to just be the real you.

Sincerely,

S. Xx

Are you scared to write your novel?

Damn it, I think I’m scared to write my novel! I have a solid story idea that excites me. It makes me think of a Pixar film, which is a good sign immediately! But for some reason, there’s a lot of resistance in me to write the thing. I’m off from work on Easter break, so I have two weeks to hit the ground running, yet… I’m afraid. Yesterday, I managed to write the first 1,250 words, but it was hard. I felt a barrier. And today, more of the same.

I am afraid that this will become a pattern…

Signs that you’re afraid of writing your novelYou think about your story all day, but never sit down to write itYou’re familiar with story writing, but this one feels toughYou keep coming up with excuses not to write itYou are over-planning when you know you have enough to startYou compare your story to the ones you readYou feel panic in your body when you think about a writing session (tight chest, turning stomach, sweaty palms)You allow yourself to consider other shiny new projects instead

Being afraid to write doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you or your story. It happens. It’s part of being an artist and a creative. Self-doubt is a b*tch! There could be many reasons why you’re finding it hard to write your novel, but either way, here are some ideas that may make the mountain seem smaller and climbable!

How to overcome the fear of writing your novelSet really tiny (even teeny weeny) writing goals: 100 words a day for a year = 36,500 words of your novel; 250 words a day for a year (roughly a page of a published book) = 91,250 words of your novel which is likely to be a meaty finished manuscript!Give yourself more time than you usually would to finish the first draft: I usually write drafts in about 2 months, but I need to remember that a good draft can, and perhaps should, take longer, and that’s perfectly great! No one is timing or rushing us (unless you’re on deadline with a publisher, in which case, that’s amazing for you and I’m sure it’s stressful but speak to your agent!)Try out a new method of drafting: Maybe you usually fast draft, but this time you’re slow; maybe you pants and discover instead of plotting (or vice versa); maybe you edit as go instead of pushing ahead; maybe you write in a notebook; draw storyboards; write nude; write in a funky hat; write in the night; write first thing…Do something fun to make it desirable or childlike: play fun music, wear fun clothes, drink your favourite drink, do squats between every 100 words…Write first thing: before the overthinking and fear sets in!Reward yourself for doing it: gamify your writing process by creating a sheet with goals or milestones and attach rewards to each oneSet out your environment for comfort: you’re just indulging in your story world, in a pleasant way, no pressure here!Journal about why you might be struggling with this story and what might be going on beneath the surface: it may be nothing to do with the story or you, but a deeper emotional issue that’s holding you back (maybe speak to a truest friend or a professional, if you need it)Give yourself permission to be bad at first and write as rough as hell: I REPEAT – LET A DRAFT BE YOU TELLING YOURSELF THE ROUGH STORY; IT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE PERFECT!!Listen to empowering affirmations or a meditation: K A Emmons on YouTube is great for creative meditationsRemove barriers: if you’re afraid of the beginning, write the next scene that excites you; it’s okay to skip over or write “INSERT SCENE ABOUT X HERE” to just move on past it. Let future you deal with making everything more cohesive laterDedicate certain times in the day to writing: Keep promises and appointments with yourself by putting writing time in your calendar and doing it, even if it’s short or rubbish!

I could go on, but the general idea is to make this less scary in whatever way works for you. Whether that’s to simplify the story or the process or to lower your expectations of yourself, it will serve to free your mind to get creative again. At the moment, if you’re scared, it’s probably because you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself, even if you don’t realise it. I know that I’m so excited about this story and it feels different to my other ones, so I keep thinking that it’s “The One” which is way too much pressure to put on what is essentially just another story idea, that’s all. If, when I’m done, I feel it’s “The One”, then great! I can get to work at making it stronger. But for now, that kind of thinking doesn’t serve us. It can just cripple our creativity.

Instead, here’s to allowing ourselves to write shoddy drafts so that we may actually get to edit and craft good novels from them later!

Don’t forget we have a podcast all about writing advice and difficulties to help you along your journey!

Sincerely,

S. xx

Little shifts in my mindset lately…

I’ve had two little shifts in the way I look at things and what I’m doing that I’m hoping will have a big effect on my little life. I just thought I’d share…

How I approach my internal struggles and anxieties

This is a big one, actually, not small, but the result feels the same so maybe that’s why I’m minimising it. It’s no secret that I’ve done a lot of therapy and counselling across my (almost) 29 years, since I was 16 and technically even at 7 when my dad passed away. But I feel stuck in a cycle of needing it because I have problematic and obsessive thinking patterns and of course this leads to poor mental health.

But in my latest counselling session, I decided to look at my problems in a new way. Instead of trauma or anxiety to process and heal, instead personality traits that I can work to change.

Don’t get me wrong here, I like some parts of myself. I’m not about to completely neglect who I am in the pursuit of becoming someone else. Instead, I just see this as a new angle to approach the same problem. I want to correct my disordered thinking and so I can list personality traits, habits and tendencies that I have and work on what I would like instead. As long as it comes from a healthy place of growth and not self-deprecation and hate, it’s all good.

What’s the difference? I think it’s simpler, perhaps. It feels less heavy and it’s not about dredging up the past yet again to try to figure myself out. I think that at this point in my life, I generally have an idea about the things or potential reasons for my anxieties and coping mechanisms. Now I need to stop reliving them, perhaps, and just see my problems as something to fix with personality change, personal growth and confidence building aside from the causes. Sometimes we get caught up in the blame game and don’t get to the change part.

I want to rewrite the old narratives but more importantly, perhaps, I want to start a new story of confidence and self-belief.

This is about turning my weaknesses and “negative” traits into strengths. Changing my natural reactions of fear into positive ones of hope and trust and play. It’s about pushing myself to perhaps “fake it until I make it” by playing the character I want to be, enjoying how it feels (if I don’t, there’s something wrong), until it becomes more natural.

Doing what I need to do

I’ve decided lately that I workout when I want to. Crazy, right?! It’s seems as if I would never work out (like many of us) if I only did it when I wanted to. But there’s a second part to this: knowing how to make myself want to do something. This comes from a lot of self awareness and self discovery. What makes you want to do the things you know you should do, like exercising, writing, reading, cleaning etc?

Is it looking at an aesthetic for motivation?Is it a harsher method like looking at all the problems and realising you must do it or else?Is it making it fun by putting on your favourite music or an audiobook you’re listening to?Is it making it easier and simpler, by making it small and doing any smaller variation of that task?Is it visualising your future self being happy and thriving because of the actions you take today? Is it eating and drinking to fuel yourself to be ready for that task? (maybe even a nap beforehand?)

Doing things you actually want to do feels good and easy. Sadly, we can’t rely on naturally wanting to do hard or complicated things, so we need to motivate ourselves. We need to make that thing approachable, simple, fun, rewarding.

Remember that either way, everything you’re doing is for future you. Try to think about your plans and actions as communication between your present and future self. What will your future self thank you for? Would they be proud and happy with what you did for them today? Are you making their lives easier for them, or harder?

Now that’s motivational (at least for me)!

Let me know if you’re shifting your thinking this season change and how you are feeling going into the sunnier season.

Sincerely,

S. Xx

A few things I’m trying for spring to improve my happiness

Spring is slowly creeping in (although I’m still wearing my big coat when I’m outside!), and so I am thinking about what I can do to ensure I’m more productive and happier. Winter (and the start of 2024 in general) has been rocky for me. My mental health has fluctuated a lot. I’ve allowed myself to settle into the new year without going full steam ahead with my goals and productivity. Winter is a time of rest and reflection before taking action again.

But springtime allows for reawakening and renewal in nature, which is what I want to bring into my own life, too, so here are three ways I’m making changes to my routine to help my productivity and happiness this spring season…

Reading more than one book

Technically I’ve been doing this already, because I tend to have a physical book, an audiobook and sometimes also a kindle book on the go at once. But this new idea came to me today to try having a weekday book and a weekend book! This is because I was struggling with the current book I’m reading. Its premise is great and I paid full price for it and it’s an acclaimed book and so I feel the need to finish it. However, it’s a bit confusing at times and not gripping me as much as it did in the first part. Then I realised, it’s probably just a more complicated or heavy book. I read mostly at night on weekdays, so my tired brain just can’t handle it.

So duh, why not reserve lighter reads for the weekdays and heavier or harder reads for weekends? This way when I’m reading at night to wind down for bed, the book is easy to get into. I don’t need to think too much. Then, on the weekend when I’m happier and less tired and have more free time, I can tackle the harder or more complicated reads when I can dedicate more time to understanding it and engaging fully to get the most out of it.

Productive, more enjoyable and just seems to make sense for me!

As a mood reader, too, but my mood changes a lot, it feels good to have options. I was so excited for dark academia books and getting inspired for a story I was writing, but then after collecting a good pile of them, I read one and a half dark academia books then my mood changed! Annoying!

I’m not sure I can or should do more than two at once, but maybe a happy laidback book versus a more serious one could help me with my mood shifts, too. That way, I’m not getting bored. I’m less likely to not finish (DNF). I’m less likely to fixate on trying to finish quickly because I know it’s slower reading two (or more) at once. And it could make reading more enjoyable for me again.

Writing or editing on set days

My bestie and I spoke about this on the podcast episode we recorded this week (not out yet). We started the year saying we weren’t going to put pressure on our writing by saying we need to write on certain days or every day etc. but to write when we feel called to do so. However, we’ve since realised how dangerous this can be. It makes us slip into excuses and not showing up for our work.

Instead, we need more discipline and I’d go further to say that it’s just about routine. Routines can become stifling or boring but that’s when we mix them up, not toss them out entirely. If writing is something I care about (which I do) and want to make my living one day (which I do) then I need to take it seriously.

I’m always thinking about my writing. I’m always technically working even if I don’t have an active story I’m writing. I struggle mostly when I don’t have a big idea that’s pulling all my attention. But I’ve recently been reminded and pushed to utilise the 6 completed manuscripts I have from past years. Yes, they’re not stories I feel strongly about anymore. Not ones I wanted to pursue further and so I left them there. However, this is a bit silly! They could hold gold dust! How do I know if the next great idea is hidden within that “bad” one if I don’t read through it? And my bestie suggested I just practice my editing skills anyway. It doesn’t matter that I don’t want to pursue these for publishing, I can still work on them to improve them by asking myself “what would I change if I were going to pursue this idea further?” Practice, as I always say, is important for writers, too. I just need to practice revising and editing my novels more than I have in the last 5 years.

So, my idea is to make sure I’m writing or editing at least 3 days a week. I know my husband swims on a Monday, so I could get some done while he’s there. Wednesday is a free day, so that’s a good choice. And Fridays, I finish work a little earlier so that works well too. Then, there’s the weekends. Of course, sometimes we have plans on a weekend so this can change each time, but I know I should, in theory, be able to get some work done every weekend.

I’ve also been waking up earlier so if I can get even a tiny bit done before work, great! It’s about using the time I have while I have it. My life won’t always have this free time so to waste it is just a shame. I’ll look back and regret it, wondering what if.

I enjoy working on my novels and that’s why it hurts when I don’t have an idea that’s gripping me. But this needn’t mean I do nothing. Let me practice and work on my finished manuscripts in the meantime, so I’m always getting better and honing my skills no matter what.

Working out first thing (even on weekdays!)

As I said, I’ve been waking up a little earlier and yes it can sometimes be tough, but I never regret it when I do! I love waking up knowing I’m doing so for me, first, not just for work. That I’m able to do things for me that bring me joy and set my day off on the right foot.

I’ve been doing Nike workouts in my living room each morning this week and it’s crazy how much more positive I feel in the morning because of it. Then there’s no guilt when I get home tired and don’t work out, because it’s already done! I’m trying to see mornings and early afternoons as Yang energy (doing, active) and late afternoon, evening and night as Yin energy (slower, gentler). So strength and cardio first thing, then yoga after work. I have quite an active job, too, so I feel that’s sufficient movement for my day. The Nike workouts I’ve done so far have been between 5-15 minutes which to some is nothing but to me, it’s everything! My muscles are sore so that proves I’ve done something my body needed and it’s having an effect. As my favourite person ever (Adriene Mischler of yoga with Adriene) always says, “a little goes a long way”. Don’t discount what a little movement can do for you. Better that than nothing!

As time goes on and I get stronger and the habit sticks (hopefully!), I can increase the workouts if I want to. But also, it’s great just as it is and it’s making me a lot happier.

What new things are you bringing into your spring routines? How can you add some freshness this season of renewal?

Sincerely,

S. xx