S.R. Crawford's Blog, page 6

Impact of Creative Work

Why do funny things rarely win Oscar’s? Family friendly films, too, are discounted and dismissed. It’s all about something serious, more often than not. But the films I watch again and again are the funny ones, the family friendly ones, the animations. The ones that remind me that life isn’t so bad. Things that add a bit of colour to the world.

There’s so much power in making someone laugh. Laughing eases pain. It makes you forget what you’re going through.

I think about my own writing a lot, naturally, and what I want the impact of it to be. What do I want to be remembered for? What’s the purpose of my work? Do I want to impress, inspire, educate, or entertain? Will I fall short if I try to do it all? Probably.

Again, which books are the most re-read books? Usually something that feels comforting to a person. Something maybe that reminds them of their childhood innocence. Or something light and refreshing against the stresses of the world. Rarely would it be a super serious, difficult literary read.

I’ve struggled lately with genre and structure. I’ve changed the way I usually write, and that’s been fascinating and fun, but also challenging. I keep thinking, this is weird, this won’t sell, what if it can’t work like this? And naturally, that’s not the right mindset to get a person writing! I need freedom to make mistakes and play around with form to see what sticks.

I guess through all my babbling, my point is, one way or another, someone somewhere could like or love my work however I choose to write it. If it does end up inspiring or literary, maybe it gains acclaim. If it’s lighter and more playful, maybe it becomes someone’s favourite that they re-read every year. Either way, and with all the options in between, I will find my place.

And of course, there’s writing for the sake of writing. For the joy of self expression. For the accomplishment of completion. For feedback and knowledge after trying something new, now knowing what might work better next time. Every novel I attempt, especially every novel I complete, is getting me closer to finding my unique voice, my story, my path.

But alas, I have to write this damn thing first, and the rest will slot into place later!

If you, too, are worried about the genre, voice and structure of your novel compared to others, take a moment to remember the breadth of work out there. There’s a style, sub genre and format for everything and everyone! If you find you want to write in a certain way, follow that instinct. To slip back to what’s familiar or “normal” or “right” because you think it will impress more. Chase authenticity, and your novel will be the best it can be.

Sincerely,

S. xx

Platonic Relationships

Friendships are special. There’s so many stories (film, tv shows, books) out there about romantic relationships and familial relationships but not as many about friendships. Why? They’re the most fascinating ones for me.

Romance can be cheesy to me! And we don’t pick our family, so that’s naturally complicated. But platonic relationships, they’re basically like romantic ones. A lot of the fundamentals are the same. Choosing to spend time with someone, meeting up, exchanging stories, offering help, maybe living together, having a dog together, doing sports together, consoling one another. Some people even have sex with their friends!

My friend and I were talking yesterday about friendships in adulthood. How complicated they are and how it’s hard but sometimes you have to let people go. Friendship break ups are never spoken about but damn are they painful. Especially when you’re ghosted by a friend you needed dearly, and never knew why.

This happened to me. I’m not going to go into the full story as I’m pretty sure I have told it before. She and I were the kind of friends I thought would last forever because we didn’t need to see each other or talk often but when we did, it was like old times. It was easy. Our friendship was special to me. But it wasn’t special to her, in the end.

This is heart breaking.

For some reason, a friendship this deep ending without knowing why is more sad to me than a romantic relationship ending like this.

Making friends in adulthood is hard unless you’re lucky enough to work with someone you love platonically and stay friends with once you no longer work together.

I have one true friend, some people I talk to now and then, and then my other friends are relatives, my husband, co-workers and my partner’s friends who I get along with. To some, this is a bit depressing. But this isn’t school anymore. We actually don’t need lots and lots of friends. And I don’t know about you, but I struggle to find time for those people, never mind if I had more friends!

However, yesterday my friend said something important. That when you end (whether it ends naturally or you end it) a friendship that isn’t serving anyone any more, you make room for new friendships. I like that idea a lot. And I welcome it. She also said how we have friends for different things. Some friends are just chat about books friends. Some are coffee once a month friends. Some are writing friends. Some are work friends. Some are old friends who you can feel nostalgia with. Some are travel friends. Some are partying friends. And only the rare few cross over into every area and become an all-round friend.

I can see how this is true.

We make the mistake in romantic relationships that our partner will be our everything. That they will fulfil our every need. The same goes for friendships. It’s okay for one person not to fulfil every need. It’s too much pressure on them to do so.

But friends are so important. A good friend can mean the difference between getting through life without too many bruises. They can help you navigate life’s pitfalls and all the ugliness. A good friend has your back but also knows when to push you and tell you that you’re being ridiculous. A good friend brings out the authentic, imperfect you and loves you for it anyway.

Now that’s beautiful!

There’s a reason the found family trope is my favourite. There’s nothing more special to me than a makeshift family that one chooses. People who are there for you and make you feel good without being romantic or doing so by the duty of being blood related. People you love and trust more than your own blood. That’s powerful.

And this doesn’t have to be people of the same or similar age. I love stories when a child and an old man become friends through whatever circumstance. Or a mother loses her child and ends up bonding with a neglected child at her school or something. Like those relationships that fill a hole for someone. Unexpected and wonderful. It shows the depth of the human experience. Our need for connection and belonging.

Ahhh, write about platonic friendships!!

Places you could meet new friends:

Through other friends Your romantic / life partner’s friends Sports teams At the gymJoin clubs or groups (check out the site MeetUp)Your family member’s friends Online forums or groups for things you like Doing an in person course or classWork Events At the library or bookshop when you realise you’re reading the same book (this sounds like a romance, but this could start a lovely friendship!)

Sincerely,

S. xx

Nourish yourself

Nourishment. It’s a lovely word. The word itself sounds like it’s nourishing you. I think in the modern world, Less and less of us get real nourishment. The foods we tend to eat are highly processed. Even when you do eat something whole and simple, like fruits and veg, you don’t know where it came from, or what’s in the soil it’s grown in.

Our rest and relaxation time isn’t fully nourishing, either. A lot of people spend their relaxation time with technology. “Relaxing” on TikTok. “Relaxing” on YouTube. “Relaxing” watching tv with their phone in their hand and not talking much to the person beside them.

True nourishment is lacking, so no wonder we’re all so stressed and tired and lonely.

Yoga feels like nourishment to me, but even that becomes a tick box exercise at times. Something to quickly fit in before I carry on rushing about my day and overthinking. So it’s lost its power. Yoga is a philosophy, spirituality, not an exercise to be rushed.

We eat too quickly and without mindfulness.

We meet up with people and get absorbed in taking pictures and going on our phones instead of connecting.

We aren’t even paying full attention to what we watch on tv.

I think we’re a distracted people. We’ve lost sight of what truly matters. We get uncomfortable with true connection and true nourishment. People have forgotten how to talk to one another properly. People have forgotten how to be still and silent. People have forgotten how to truly taste their food or take their time preparing it from scratch.

Everything has become about how fast you can do something to fit more into your day.

Sounds exhausting! Sounds like a treadmill getting faster and faster. Sounds like we can’t win.

I don’t have all the answers and I am a victim of this society, too. But I do encourage you (and myself) to think about this soft word. To think about what could truly nourish you, mind body and soul, today. How can you connect more to those around you, your work, your food, and the world around you? I

think connection, mindfulness and nourishment go hand in hand.

Sincerely,

S. xx

Precious Sundays

Sundays. Technically my favourite and least favourite day of the week in one. Sundays are, for many of us, a day of relaxation. A day for being with your god, or yourself, in reverence and solitude. It’s a slower day. It’s a quieter day. It’s perfect.

Except it’s the day before going back to work! Sunday Blues are a real thing. As soon as it becomes evening time, or the darkness sets in, many of us feel the dread of the coming Monday. Sad, really, as it steals away from the very few free hours we have over the weekend. Why would we waste some of them worrying about tomorrow?!

I also beat myself up for sleeping in on a Sunday. Even though it’s a great day for it, and you likely stayed up late the night before, it still feels wrong. Don’t waste the free time! Don’t waste the day!

Sunday is a gift. You don’t have to be Christian to realise that Sunday is a beautiful day for calmness and connection to the self. Getting yourself back to your roots. Sunday self care, slowness and serenity. Move like you’re wading through water. Allow yourself to go with the flow instead of forcing and fighting. Sundays are a refilling of your cup. A present for yourself.

Sundays help us remember that we’re human beings, who can just be.

They’re also great for setting up the week ahead. Getting the planner out and making sure your ducks are in a row. Maybe planning your outfits for the work week; so you don’t need to think and fret in the mornings. Meal prepping to save time in the week and to keep to your goals. Cleaning the house and doing the chores so you can feel calmer and clearer-minded without the clutter around.

Sundays are a clean slate. A chance to start again.

There’s a reason Oprah has a book called “The Wisdom of Sundays”. There’s magic inside this day of the week, neatly placed at the end (or the beginning, depending on your perspective).

Use it well.

I cannot stress it enough. We have so precious time. It’s so short. And so much of it is demanded by others. So use your time well. That doesn’t mean rushing and fretting to fit everything into Sunday, but it means knowing your Sunday wasn’t wasted thinking about Monday. Your Sunday wasn’t wasted being stressed or doing things you don’t want to do.

What do you use your Sundays for?

Our writing advice podcast, Don’t Quit Your Daydream, comes out every other Sunday! Maybe you could spend your Sunday with us and then on writing!

Happy Sunday!

Sincerely,

S. xx

(I’ve finished a week of these posts I’m doing every morning and it’s going well so far! No writer’s block!!)

Please yourself

Ah, people pleasing. It’s a tricky thing. There’s nothing wrong with wanting people to be happy. Nothing wrong with being the one to make that so. However, it becomes a problem when the pleasing of others comes at the expense of your own wants and needs.

Anyone who is angry at you for not doing what they want, probably isn’t someone who loves you unconditionally. There’s conditions to your relationship. They only like or love you when you act the way they want you to. That’s not fair, right? When it’s put this way, it actually makes it easier for me to look at situations objectively.

It is not our job to manage other people’s emotions.

If someone is disappointed, angry, sad or upset by your decision to do what you want and need, not what they want and need, let them be!

This is the next part of the puzzle. Dealing with being disliked or misunderstood. I really struggle with this. I don’t want people to be angry at me. I especially don’t want people to think I’m horrible, lazy, boring, rude or anything else. I want them to like me. I want to be loved.

That’s where most people pleasing comes from: the desire to be loved.

But when that love or like comes at the expense to ourselves, we need to ask whether it’s worth it! Naturally, sometimes you need to compromise in relationships. Do things you don’t want to do for a good reason. But you should be able to tell the difference for when this is appropriate.

Trouble is, people pleasers are always set up to fail. There’s no way to make everyone happy, because there’s going to be times when this contradicts. Times when you literally can’t. And of course, what I’ve already said, someone always loses out when you people please too much: you.

So please yourself! If you’re going to be a people pleaser, why not please yourself first? Ask yourself in social situations, obligations, invites, requests, and the like, what would make you happy in that situation? And do that! Even if someone else doesn’t understand your choice. It’s scary, but it’s okay to be misunderstood, especially by people who don’t matter much.

It’s so crazy but if you’re invited to do something, and you just don’t want to do it, it should be perfectly fine to say no without explaining yourself. Yet most of us can’t do that! We make up excuses if we say no or cancel or we just force ourselves to go. How ridiculous! Anyone who has a good relationship with us and good understanding of who we are will know it’s not personal. They may be disappointed, but they will understand and respect you for your integrity.

It will be tough at first, but over time, you will build a muscle for it. It will become easier and people will respect you. You will be used by other less because they know you won’t bend to their every will. Sadly, some people take advantage of people pleasers. Don’t allow that to happen to you. If you’re on a journey to confidence and more self esteem, this is really important for you.

Are you a struggling people pleaser? I dare you to decline something this week!

Sincerely,

S. xx

(This post and all morning posts are part of my summer “write every morning challenge”)

I think I like this little life

What would it take for me to like my life? Do I like my life? I’ve never asked that question. I invite you to ask yourself that question today.

I think my answer would be different depending on many factors. In summer, it’s easier to like life for me. Working in a school means I get 6 weeks off from work and that’s a huge privilege I don’t take lightly. I always try to use the time to be productive but to also not waste the season. Ensuring I spend time outside as much as possible.

After a nice day with good people, I like my life too. Or when I’ve had a great day of writing and the sun filters in through the window and my dog is beside me. That’s a nice life.

I think I’m a relatively simple person. I don’t need a lot of things to be happy. Sunshine, a cosy space, creative ideas, nice people, nice food, and good entertainment. As long as I can do yoga, read, write, walk my dog, have nice conversations, plan a holiday every now and then, and be cuddled when I need it – life is good.

If this is true, why do I have so many bouts of depression? Is it possible to like your life but also fall into deep pits of despair? I guess it’s a question of whether satisfaction and contentment with your life, your choices and your general day to day differs from mental health and emotions.

Because emotions, feelings and thoughts are all fleeting, right? You change how you feel all the time, even if an emotion or thought is reoccurring. And mental illness means you’re not always in control of how you feel and think. Your mind beats you up and drags you down and suddenly you can’t see that you like your life, even if you truly do deep down.

I think there’s a lot of things that come along to cloud our true perception of ourselves and our lives. Things that make us think we’re dissatisfied when really, when everything was stripped away, we would say we like our lives.

Comparison to others

A failed venture

An argument with someone

Winter

Sickness or toxic stress (toxic stress is sickness, to me)

Big life changes

Being too focused on the future

There are many things I could list that tear us away from reality. Things that make our lives look quite bleak. Even if life is boring sometimes or stressful sometimes, we can still like it. For example, I’ll always like (love) pizza but I don’t want it every day! So I can like my life, even if I don’t enjoy every part of it every day?

If you truly, truly don’t like your life, perhaps ask yourself why. What would it take to like your life a little more? And don’t say to never work a day of your life again, because for a lot of us, that’s sadly not possible! It would definitely take years of hard work to make that possible anyway. So think about it realistically. What could you do or change to make you like your life, even a tiny bit more?

Do I like my life? Yes! Luckily, right now, for the most part, I do.

“I think I like this little life”

Sincerely,

S. xx

Sleepless Summer Slumber

I slept in today. Only until 8am, which to some isn’t much, but it’s something. I don’t usually get a chance to have the bed to myself. Working in a school, means I’m often out of bed before my husband. There’s something quite nice about a double bed to yourself. All that space. You can become a starfish, spread-eagled and free.

It makes me think of my childhood. My sister and I had big imaginations and so we used to go inside of our quilt covers and pretend there was a whole shopping centre in there! We’d get McDonald’s and Greggs and go clothes shopping.

But ever since I was a little girl, and still to this day, I’ve been a poor sleeper. I sleep much better now but beds don’t solely mean comfort for me. They meant wetting the bed until an embarrassing age. They meant the fear of another sleepless night staring at the ceiling. They meant being ravaged by nightmares in my mind only to find shadows stalking me in the dark of my bedroom.

I had another nightmare last night, hence the sleeping in this morning. After I woke from it, I couldn’t get back to sleep. I was worrying about the boy I’d dream about, who was attacked by a gang in my area (a very realistic and possible scenario). But then, like I’m known to do, I started thinking about everything else! I need to plan out my solo stay at home “yoga retreat” day. I need to start my training. I need to put things to sell on Vinted. I need to check out more Birmingham artists I can put in my novel.

It’s crazy how loud the mind gets when all is quiet. It brings me to tears, sometimes, thinking about all those nights spent thinking while others rested. I’ve never lived alone and I didn’t have many years without sharing a bedroom with someone. So throughout my childhood, teenhood and early adulthood, I watched my sister sleep soundly every night. Snoring loud and proud, doing her gymnastics as she slept, talking to me about toast and kangaroos, to which I’d answer only to realise she was still asleep. Then there was some time in between to myself, but then my then boyfriend (now husband) moved in with us and I have shared a bed ever since. And he’s a sound sleeper, too! Just the other night he was telling me about his excellent sleep score through his Garmin watch!

Deem me jealous.

When we were little, my sister and I would wake the other if we had a nightmare. I’ve probably told this story before, but as a storyteller, you do recycle a fee to fit your purpose! Anyway, after we told each other the bad dream, we’d fall asleep holding hands the second time, so that we could enter the dream together and defeat the monster. What a beautiful idea! Such clever kids. And now, it’s my breathlessness and panic that wakes my husband beside me. Whenever it does, he holds me or strokes my back to calm me, asking if I want to tell him what happened.

I can cry over years of nightmare-ridden sleep (when I do manage to sleep!), or I can be grateful that I’ve always had people to help me through the nightmares.

I guess I’m lucky, after all.

Sincerely,

S. xx

Ego is my enemy but I kind of need her?

I really struggle with ego. Through my study of self help and self development, I’ve come to know that ego can be the enemy. It highlights all our ugliness. Or rather, our scars and our need for approval on the surface level. The reason I struggle with it most is because I can recognise my ego talking, but I don’t like letting things go just because it’s my ego talking!

Let me explain.

I have this need to be right. Not like a know it all, but in a disagreement or difference of opinion and perspective, I yearn for the other person to say, “oh yeah, I see what you mean actually.” Most of the tension between me and my husband comes from these kinds of situations, where my point of view doesn’t feel validated.

This is ego, right?

It’s the ego that wants to be right. The ego that needs to be validated and stroked. But is it so awful to want to be seen? Because at a fundamental level, that’s what the ego wants: to be seen.

Woe is me, but I haven’t felt very seen my whole life. I’ve felt like I’ve often been on the outside looking in. Not had the right friends. Not felt truly comfortable in my own skin. Not valued and seen for who I truly am. That sucks. Then having been a writer all these years…that’s a literal cry to be seen! My writing expresses the deepest parts of me and yet…I’ve always struggled to find a bigger audience (thank you for reading, those of you who are here, and perhaps always reading my work!).

I have a yearning to belong. To finally belong. To be seen for the real me and for someone to say, “wow, yes, this person is fantastic.”

Isn’t that what we all want?

So I do struggle with ego because I have this need now in adulthood to speak up for myself. To say, “no, hang on a minute, hear me out and see what I see. Please!” On the surface it may come across as just a small person arguing for no reason, or going in a mood over something trivial, but it’s deeper than that for most people who wrestle with their ego.

Ego goes further than this, obviously. It’s about pride and self image and control. Things we need to be careful about. My ego says, “you must do better; be better; be the best” whereas my soul says “I love you and you are perfect just as you are, unconditionally”. One drives us to set goals and be ambitious, while the other allows space for rest. Both are needed, no? I think the truly enlightened would disagree with me and say that those who are in touch with their higher selves, know what they intuitively want and need and so they, too, set goals, but from a more authentic and connected place.

I don’t have the answer yet. This is just rumination. With summer off, I’ve been writing a lot and it feels so great until I think, “Is it any good? Will anyone ever see it? Will anyone ever care?” A bad thought to have in the early stages of any writing! I guess it’s just frustration that I’ve been writing consistently for so long and I feel not enough people see my work. That I’m failing to put myself out there. That everyone else seems to know how to sell and market whatever they want. That so many people are living their dream or doing something awesome on the side that’s successful, while I’ve tried since I was 18 and it hasn’t quite worked out.

Again, woe is me.

Monetary success isn’t an entitlement for all. Fame or acclaim isn’t something I’m entitled to, either. It shouldn’t ever be the driving force behind why I write. Luckily, it’s not; otherwise I would have stopped long ago! It just hurts every now and then seeing my peers surpassing me when they started after me.

I guess my road is a longer one. And I must clap for others and learn from them along the way. Swallow my pride and do this so that I can succeed one day.

Thanks again for reading and being here. I really do appreciate those of you who have been here with me for years

Sincerely,

S. xx

2nd wedding anniversary

When I was younger, I thought love was fireworks. An opening of the chest, tearing out of the heart so that it can only beat in the palm of another person.

But that hasn’t been my experience of love.

My love has been quiet. Refined. A comforting, knowing whisper in my heart. A knowing that no matter what, I am held. I am safe.

For 6 years I’ve woke up next to you. For 6 years we’ve adored our furry pup that completes our family, our trio of friends. For 9.5 years I’ve said “I love you”. And today, 2 years ago, we said “I do.”.

Those numbers are still so small to me. It’s felt like you’ve always just been there. Like I’ve always known you. Perhaps I’ve suppressed the years before I knew you. The years where there was an emptiness. You slotted into my life so nicely. You are my family.

Chosen family is more special than blood, I’m sorry! Because you don’t choose blood relatives but I chose you. And you’re exactly like my other family members: stubborn, funny, clever, competitive, strong, charismatic, frustrating, loving, kind. Except every year, every month, every week, every day, I get to choose you again.

We’ve had our ups and downs. Fears and frets. Personal hard times and hard times together. But we’ve had so much fun, too, right? I think I’m lucky. I bypassed firework love for something longer lasting and brighter. I traded the fireworks, a momentary blast of light and power and sparkle, for the sun.

You are my sunshine.

The sun is dependable. It may not always shine so bright but you know it’s there, lighting your way. It lands quietly on your face when you’re sad, reminding you that you’re not alone. The sun gives you energy and lifts your mood. The sun kisses your skin to give it a natural glow. The sun gives you a reason to wake up every morning.

That is my love for you. That is you.

You’re right there waiting when I need you. You’re my comfort. You’re my best friend but more than that, you are my energy. You are there for me when I’m weak to bring life back to me. You walk with me, never dragging or pushing, but gently holding my hand. We stand side by side. Not many people have that, someone who is their equal.

I know I take you for granted. Just like we all take the sun for granted, knowing it will just be there even when you moan that it doesn’t shine bright enough. I’m sorry for that. Like the sun, I vow to salute you every day. To bow down to your grace and beauty and joy. To thank you for shining on me, no matter how vivid. To bask in your warm embrace while we still can.

My love for you transcends numbers. Transcends a certificate. Transcends any logical, tangible, effable thing in life. My love for you is as infinite and vast and scolding and confusing and ethereal as the sun. It cannot be grasped. It shouldn’t be grasped. I just know it’s there, and that’s all that matters.

Thank you for teaching me what love really is, at least for us.

Happy 2nd wedding anniversary [image error]

Xx

The Power of Rain

The rhythmic clatter of rain dripping from our gutters, thick and fast, is the melody I wake to this morning. This is not the summer I ordered, but I’ll take it. There’s something quite poetic and important about a rainy day to break up a summer’s sun. As an introvert, writer and reader, rainy days are my favourite.

Rainy days give you permission to watch the world from your window. A canvas of droplets racing down the window pane as you place your bets and cheer. You spot the soaked trees and sodden grass and think about all the things you’re grateful for.

Rainy days make us pause, and that’s important in today’s day and age.

As I say, the song of rain is wonderfully calming. No need for a meditation app soundtrack when you live in England! We get the real deal for free. So everyone in England with me, let’s take a deep breath before starting our day.

Inhale…1…2…3…4

Hold…1…2…3…4

Exhale…1…2…3…4

That’s better, isn’t it? What a beautiful way to start the day.

Though I’ve nowhere to be today, and maybe you, reading this, have work to get to, we’re the same. Rain needn’t be the burden and inconvenience it is made out to be. It can be poetry. It can be meditation. It can be spiritual. It can be song.

If you let it.

As you walk out into the rain, listen. Just listen. Listen to the beating of the droplets on your umbrella overhead. Listen to how the wind carries it through the trees.

Watch, just watch. Watch as it splashes on the already-wet ground. A cleansing. A nourishment for nature.

And breathe it all in. Just breathe. There’s nothing more fresh and delicious than rain-soaked air. I smell it already, filtering in through my open windows in my bedroom. I can’t wait to inhale it more deeply.

Will you breathe it all in with me?

Sincerely,

S. xx

(I’m trying to write everyday of my summer break in stream of consciousness and this post is part of it)