Please yourself
Ah, people pleasing. It’s a tricky thing. There’s nothing wrong with wanting people to be happy. Nothing wrong with being the one to make that so. However, it becomes a problem when the pleasing of others comes at the expense of your own wants and needs.
Anyone who is angry at you for not doing what they want, probably isn’t someone who loves you unconditionally. There’s conditions to your relationship. They only like or love you when you act the way they want you to. That’s not fair, right? When it’s put this way, it actually makes it easier for me to look at situations objectively.
It is not our job to manage other people’s emotions.
If someone is disappointed, angry, sad or upset by your decision to do what you want and need, not what they want and need, let them be!
This is the next part of the puzzle. Dealing with being disliked or misunderstood. I really struggle with this. I don’t want people to be angry at me. I especially don’t want people to think I’m horrible, lazy, boring, rude or anything else. I want them to like me. I want to be loved.
That’s where most people pleasing comes from: the desire to be loved.
But when that love or like comes at the expense to ourselves, we need to ask whether it’s worth it! Naturally, sometimes you need to compromise in relationships. Do things you don’t want to do for a good reason. But you should be able to tell the difference for when this is appropriate.
Trouble is, people pleasers are always set up to fail. There’s no way to make everyone happy, because there’s going to be times when this contradicts. Times when you literally can’t. And of course, what I’ve already said, someone always loses out when you people please too much: you.
So please yourself! If you’re going to be a people pleaser, why not please yourself first? Ask yourself in social situations, obligations, invites, requests, and the like, what would make you happy in that situation? And do that! Even if someone else doesn’t understand your choice. It’s scary, but it’s okay to be misunderstood, especially by people who don’t matter much.
It’s so crazy but if you’re invited to do something, and you just don’t want to do it, it should be perfectly fine to say no without explaining yourself. Yet most of us can’t do that! We make up excuses if we say no or cancel or we just force ourselves to go. How ridiculous! Anyone who has a good relationship with us and good understanding of who we are will know it’s not personal. They may be disappointed, but they will understand and respect you for your integrity.
It will be tough at first, but over time, you will build a muscle for it. It will become easier and people will respect you. You will be used by other less because they know you won’t bend to their every will. Sadly, some people take advantage of people pleasers. Don’t allow that to happen to you. If you’re on a journey to confidence and more self esteem, this is really important for you.
Are you a struggling people pleaser? I dare you to decline something this week!
Sincerely,
S. xx
(This post and all morning posts are part of my summer “write every morning challenge”)
