S.R. Crawford's Blog, page 106

Family First, Family Always

I love my family. They’re crazy, annoying, and completely idiotic but I love them and wouldn’t change them for a thing. A while ago now, my uncle decided to plan a surprise party for my grandparents. No, it wasn’t their birthday or anniversary – like so many people began to think. We just wanted to celebrate them. How we appreciate them, love them and are so so glad to have them with us even now. Isn’t that something that should be celebrated, but often goes unnoticed?

So, in order to achieve this, we had to weave a web of lies. Now, I don’t lie, OK? I hate it, I’m bad at it, just no. But I had to do the most of the lying because my cousin was back in the country and took her car off me, but I had to pretend she didn’t. When my grandad asked where the car was, I had to lie. I hated it. Lying to him of all people was torture.

We faced other challenges too because everyone had their own ideas, and different people started to rise up as chief, which caused conflict, as you can imagine. But in the end, the team conjured some great ideas and started to work on making it happen.

On Saturday, the day finally came. It all worked out. After hours of moving tables, then re-moving them, filling about a hundred balloons with helium then creating arches and tables decorations, we finally had the room looking very pretty – if I do say so myself.

It was the first time the majority of my family were meeting my boyfriend, so that was added pressure for us. But I didn’t need to worry. My boyfriend was amazing. He mingled, joked about with everyone, gave compliments and helped out. I was very proud of him; very proud indeed. He even danced with my family and I didn’t even do that!

But anyway, back to my grandparents. My grandad loves Jaguar, so of course my cousin hired one of the latest models and picked them up in it. Apparently he was gobsmacked. I was gobsmacked by it to be honest, so I’m not surprised. Then, when they got to the venue – where they thought they were attending a party for my brother – they were completely thrown. It was as if they had several levels of realisation, because they were quiet, then they moved, then they laughed, then they yelled! We all got told off and beat for keeping secrets, especially my cousin who had been back in the country for 2 weeks without telling them.

It made me feel so good, and it must have done for the others too, to see my grandparents so happy. To see their faces as they spotted people they loved surrounding them, having come to celebrate them, felt wonderful. My heart literally ached, feeling their happiness radiating through the room. I was proud of our team for accomplishing it. I was proud of the people who turned up. I was proud of all my family.

Sadly, my full family don’t get to meet up for many joyous occasions, instead it’s mostly funerals. So, this was a great time for us to meet up just to celebrate being a family. My little sister put together videos composed of pictures from all the family and it was lovely to see them all together. How we had come so far, changed so much, but were still full of love.

That’s what that night was about for me. It wasn’t about reggae music. Or rhythmic dancing. Or over a hundred and fifty people who shared DNA laughing and joking together. Or catching up and telling stories. Or dressing well and complimenting one another. It was about love. How I loved my family for organising the event. How I loved the other part of my family for turning up in high spirits and high volumes. How I loved my boyfriend for coming and being thrown into the deep end, but thriving. How I loved the pictures forever immortalising our beautiful past together. And how I loved my grandparents for taking care of us all for our entire lives; being their everyday with open arms; and showing a love so great for one another and those around them, that I do believe in true love, and everlasting happiness through the struggle of this life.

 

(In order to protect my family’s privacy, I purposely didn’t use any images of them)

~ Damsel

Audience in the Heavens

I regret to admit that I’m one of those people who spends the majority of my time inside my head. I’m contemplating what others are doing or thinking. What I’ll do the following day. Or how the coming events in my life will affect me in the long run.

And I know I shouldn’t.

I know that my head is dangerous grounds, filled with an array of potentially dangerous thoughts. But I continue to dwell there. It’s because I’ve always been afraid. Afraid of reality, afraid of the world. Life’s scary though, isn’t it? Decisions, the actions of others, tomorrow – it’s all terrifying and yet…magnificent. The fact that life’s short worries me, but recently I’ve come to realise that this fact should instead be my motivation.

I’ve not got forever so I should act now. Life is happening right in front of me and by hiding in my head or procrastinating, I’m allowing the grains of sand to slip away.

We’ve all lost someone, or a great number of people, so this should open our eyes. Their lives are sadly over, but it’s an insult to them if we don’t make the most out of ours. I don’t know about you, but when death comes for me, I want to be able to say that I did something. And then when we join our loved ones, wouldn’t it be amazing if they greeted us by saying: “wow, what a life you’ve lived? I’m so proud of you…”

This is my motivation. I’m going to take life’s ride with this in mind – for we must impress our audience in the heavens.

~ Damsel

Team Building – by Climbing Walls, Shooting Each Other and Potting Balls into Holes

On Monday, me and my work colleagues went on a night out to do some fun activities – rock climbing, laser quest and golf. At first, I’ll be honest, I wasn’t excited about it. For some reason, I thought it would be awkward or that I’d be so bad at everything that I’d go in a mood like the over-competitive person that I am. But that wasn’t the case at all. We all got along so well, having banter and getting to know one another more than we are allowed to whilst working. I really think we did need it.

So first was rock climbing. I’ve been rock climbing a few times before and I’ve always been quite good at it. It’s challenging but ever-so fulfilling when you reach the top. My stomach churned as I looked down at my friends, but when I saw how far I’d come, I was proud.

I know it’s lame and cliché but it showed me that being scared of something but going along and doing it anyway is when big accomplishments happen. Plus, it was a great bonding moment. To hear my colleagues cheering me on as I climbed felt so good. It’s rare that people you work with can actually become friends, so I do feel lucky.

Next was Laser Quest. Now I haven’t played Laser Quest since I was a little girl, about 11 or 12. I did think that I’d be too old to enjoy it now, but my god once I had the gun in my head, I felt liberated!

I was energised and pumped, ready and raring to shoot my colleagues. It was boys versus girls, and each team had their own strategies. The girls kind of stuck together, whereas the boys kind of sunk deep into Call of Duty mode and went around solo. But it was so fun! I was running around, ducking and hiding whilst awakening my inner sniper as I killed people from afar. It was great! The boys won in the end but it was a close game and I’d love to play again with other people.

Lastly was golf. By this time, we were all so tired and sweaty from the first two activities that we were happy to calm things down with the golf. We split off into three teams of four and I was happy with my team. The girls and I had a good laugh at each other’s expense, as our golfing skills weren’t exactly up there with Tiger Woods. But I played better than I had done before, so I was proud. Plus, we didn’t care much for scores anyway. We just enjoyed each other’s company, winding down. I think we hit a hole in one with the team building goal. (Sorry for the poor analogy aha, I just couldn’t help myself.)

All in all, I feel better about my colleagues now. I feel better about myself too. As not a particularly confident person, I was very happy with how the evening went. People aren’t so scary, and being a kid again when hanging out with them can be enlightening. Peace out.

~ Damsel

The Full Safari Experience – Animals, Nature and a New Outlook

On Tuesday 23rd June, my boyfriend and I reached the 6 months mark in our relationship – yes, someone has actually wanted to be with me for half a year! As a surprise, my boyfriend took me to the safari park. I love animals. I really do. So you can imagine how big my love-struck grin was.

Yes, that big. Although my boyfriend can be as crazy as an animal himself, he was so lovely all day too…

So after the long journey there – full of us singing at the top of our lungs to his music – we finally arrived at the park, grinning like big kids. Because he’s such a darling, my boyfriend bought the animal food so that I could feed them. And feed them I did! First there was the zebras, which I aptly called Marty (from Madagascar, duh), and he was my favourite.

Then I fed the ________ and the giraffes – their tongues were not pleasant as they slobbered on my hand, but I set that aside to enjoy the experience.

Sadly, we were turned away from going through the part with the lions and wild dogs because we were in a soft-roof/canvas-roof car. My boyfriend was so apologetic, worried that it would ruin our day but it didn’t at all! It only got better from there. After finishing off with the camels, white tigers, elephants and various other animals – the ones that look like deer but aren’t… – we parked up and went inside the resort.

As soon as we got there, we saw the energetic penguins splashing about and darting here and there for our attention, and damn did they get it. We took the odd selfie (sorry for saying selfie, but this is the world we live in now) with the penguins, my boyfriend getting a better shot than I did (we are very competitive people).

Afterwards, we saw a sea lion show, where a 9 year old sea lion called Callum performed tricks for us and he was so entertaining that I felt like a big kid. It was as though a dormant part of me had fully awoken. I was clapping louder than the children, and answering the woman’s questions like I was 2 not 20.

Oh my poor boyfriend! Later, we saw the reptiles which freaked me out; the birds which deafened us; the bats that frightened us as they whizzed past our heads; the goats that I forced my boyfriend to pet against his will; the lemurs which hid from us far up in the trees, creating a melody of whooshing leaves; and lastly the huge hippos bathing in the lake, moaning at one another across the gate whilst flashing their very charming teeth (not so much). Throughout the day I had a childlike sense of wonder surging through me in a warm sensation.

It truly was reminiscent of the innocent days when we were young and nothing could go wrong. When nothing could be bad. When you were tired, and dirty, and hungry but you didn’t care because you were having fun with your best friend.

And you know what the day showed me in the end? It didn’t just show me great animals, a lovely time and a caring partner; it was much more than that. It showed me life. It showed me that there’s things out there that are so great that they steal you from your thoughts. I was grinning the whole day. In this life, in the area I live and the people I see, it’s hard to say that – unfortunately, that is the case. But the whole day I smiled. I looked at everything with awe and admiration – my boyfriend particularly. It was easy too. It’s a shame, isn’t it, that things aren’t always easy. But I didn’t have to wear a mask; I didn’t have to think or strive. We just enjoyed ourselves. And we didn’t have to change country for that. Or spend a shedload of money. It was just us, being us, having a good time with ease and it made me realise life can’t be so bad, can it? How can it be when there’s these animals living amongst us? When the sun shines as you walk hand in hand with someone special? There’s ups and there’s downs but there’s sun at the end of the day. It’ll rain. Oh god will it rain, but I believe now that the sun will always come back.

~ Damsel

“The Manifesto on How to be Interesting” by Holly Bourne, Book Review – Teen Drama x2

This is the first book in a while that I actually finished reading, and it wasn’t short either. This book is about a 17 year old girl who’s a writer but her books weren’t being enjoyed. One day her teacher told her she needs to be more interesting so she completely changes her look, attitude and friends in order to achieve that. She then writes about her trials online to tell everyone what it means to “be interesting”.

What I liked:

I liked the relatability of it. As a young woman, a writer and someone who doesn’t know who she is, I felt I could really relate to Bree (the main character) at times. She was a bit dry and mean, which I’m not…I don’t think, but she was like me in other respects and I liked that.
It was entertaining and it didn’t take as much thinking so it was a great escape for me. I felt like a teen again, soaked into the teen drama.

The bad stuff:

The teen drama was kind of an eye roll at times.
Could be rather farfetched with teens doing stuff they wouldn’t (in my experiences) and rich kids acting unlike rich kids.
At times, it also felt as though it was written poorly. It could be that I’m a harsh judge or whatever but at times, the writing felt lazy. If it was written in the first person (with Bree’s actual voice) then I’d understand the poor writing but it wasn’t. It was in the third person so there wasn’t really a viable excuse.

What it taught me:

That yes you have to try new things to become who you want to be but never do it for other people and never lose who you were either.
That even the happiest of people or popular or rich have problems and real emotions too. That their lives may look good from afar but that’s not necessarily the case. We all have our issues.

Overall I did like the book. It entertained me and I could imagine teens absolutely loving it. It was funny, light but also emotional at times as someone going through the same things.

6.5/10

~ Damsel

Whispers in the Wind

It’s cold on the days that I remember you’re not here…

Not laughing with us; not holding us; not promising it will all be OK. As I sit writing this message, I feel the wounds opening. I know you wouldn’t want me to feel your loss so deeply, reminiscing in your memory as if running my fingers over a scar. I remember the pain as though it was yesterday… But 12 years later I’ve learnt that mourning the dead is not right. It would not make you happy, nor I. Instead, I know that you’re still here. Not every day; not every minute; not every hour. But when it truly counts….

I know you’re here holding my hand as I walk towards something new. You’re looking over my shoulder when I’m taking chances. You’re carrying me when I’m most afraid. I know you’re the flowers growing along the grass, either side of my pathway. You’re the gentle wind cooling my storm. You’re the blessing in the birds’ songs that glow deep within my heart.

And nothing has changed.

You’re still my dad and I’m still your little girl. You’re still our protector and we’re still your world. Thank you for the warm spirit that stays with our family through the tough times. I hope that you’re resting in complete peace and I hope that when you look down on us, you’re smiling.

~ Damsel

Independence: The Gaining and the Loss of it

Of late, I have been very independent. I still live at home, yes, but that’s neither here nor there… Anyway, I had a car (my cousin’s car for 6 months), I had my license, I had my job, uni, my book, my boyfriend, my friends who I could see whenever and wherever because of the car. I had things made. I was somewhat of an adult. I was free.

…

But slowly that independence is being taken from me. My cousin is back and has taken her car. I can’t drive anywhere. I can’t just get up and go. There’s considerations that I have to make. I feel like my house is smaller somehow too. That I can’t just read because someone is always around. That I can’t buy anything without it being a big deal and something that everyone else wants to use too. It’s draining. I want to move out. Now, you don’t know me but if you did, you’d realise that for me to say that is a really big deal. I’m a mommy’s girl. But I really want and need my own space. I believe I’d be a better, more productive person for it too. Oh how I wish I could just own an amazing studio apartment near to home, so I could visit whenever I wanted but then go home to my own space, a clean house and get stuff done!

It’s just unfair and crazy scary how quickly you can feel on top of the world, then feel utterly consumed by it the next. That something as seemingly simple as a car can give you so much power and freedom. It’s like I could fly, but suddenly my wings have been shredded. And it’s a bummer, guys.

What I think I’m learning from this is that you can’t keep placing so much value on things. That you can’t allow yourself to be attached to things that can come and go. Whether that’s people, friends, boyfriends, jobs, achievements or even a car. The only thing that lasts forever is you (well, you know what I mean). The only thing you can depend on is yourself.

You have to be adaptable. You need to be able to shrug something off, say “oh well, that’s how it goes” and move on to the next thing that makes you happy. Survival of the fittest, damsels. People who are strong and happiest are the people who can spin a bad situation, rather than walking into the darkness. And I’m trying to learn from Charles Darwin myself.

With the loss of a car situation, I’m gonna take this as an opportunity to get fitter. I can walk or jog to the places I need to go. I’m also saving so much money by no longer paying out an arm and a leg for car insurance (those of you with a car know how much of a ball-ache car insurance is). With the family/home situation, the stifling feeling I’m getting lately, I’m going to get out more. I can walk to the local library or my grandparents house if I know I need to get some stuff done. I can try to wake up earlier or stay up later to have quiet time to myself; as a writer and a borderline insomniac most of the time, this would make a lot of sense for me anyway.

I am an independent person in general. For all my life I’ve been OK being alone. I like my own space. I like making my own decisions and I’ve never followed the crowd because everyone else is doing it. That’s the me I don’t want to lose, so you know what? I’m not going to. There’s stuff I want to get done, things I want to do or see and one way or another, I’ve got to do it without letting other people be a restriction. Back off people, I’m scared, I’m irritated, but I’m slowly becoming more focused. This damsel is ready to leave her mark.

~ Damsel

Changing your Hair, Changing Yourself

I know it’s cheesy, but changing your hairstyle really does feel like you’re changing who you are. As someone who wants to grow into a better version of myself, a hair change was necessary; so when my hair became lifeless, I decided to take the plunge. I chopped it off.

Before:

In preparation for doing something so drastic, you need to be 100% (or perhaps just 90%) sure of what it is you want, and how it could look/be maintained. Recklessness with your hair is all well and good if you’re the type of person who can shrug off a bad cut, but I’m not that kind of person. I’d have cried if it went bad and swore off leaving the house, so I did my research; a lot of research. Your hair is lifeless, boring and doesn’t turn heads anymore? Right, well great, lose it. Just let it go, don’t hang onto something that has given up on you.

Don’t listen to all those people saying you need to see if a hairstyle fits your face shape or whatever, because I didn’t know my face shape before doing it. Don’t get scared off by people saying it could go wrong, it’s hard to manage or the like, because it’s not. Yes, at first it’ll be new and weird but just like anything else, you strive to find a way to make it work. I found a style I liked and I got it done, everything else fell into place later.

During:

When I was sitting in the chair at the hairdressers though, I lost my nerve. I was so terrified; my hairdresser asked if I was sure and it took all I had to say “yes”, but I did, even with a shaky voice. Just grit your teeth and do it. However, and this is important, you must ensure that your hairdresser understands exactly what you want before starting. Don’t be blasé, don’t cut corners. They must know and recite it back to you so that you’re both on the same page. Having a variety of pictures to show them from each angle is the best way to ensure you leave with the style you want, and not a nightmare sitting atop your head.

After:

But in the end, if you’re as lucky as I was, it’ll all have been worth it. I feel great. People have been saying I look great, too, and you know what, I agree. My head feels much lighter now, but so much easier to handle. All I have to do is blow-dry it and boom, it looks straight! Coming from a girl with Afro-Caribbean hair, that means a lot. I have style, a face, colour and lift. And you know what, it transforms your attitude. I hold my head higher now. Before, I used to get a double-chin from how low I always held my head, but now I’m starting to understand what it’s like to strut. To actually strut. When I posted my new hair on Facebook, I got the most amount of likes that I’ve ever received. No, I don’t place my value on Facebook likes but come on, we all have to admit, it does feel pretty darn good. I’m not a whole new woman now, not at all. I just feel like I can become a more confident person, with all the changes I’m making in my life. The decision to leave uni; the new hair; the blog and hopefully my second book being published this year. I’m growing. I’m going through a metamorphosis and as I come out of the cocoon, I feel my wings slowly spreading, urging me to fly. And fly I will.

~ Damsel

So, who am I?

I think it’s important you guys know a little bit more about me, if for nothing else, to give you some background. I’m a middle child, with a younger sister and older brother. As you might be able to guess, I’m the ‘quiet’ one, the introvert. But this has made me who I am. Only recently have I come to accept who I am rather than constantly fighting it, and you know what? It’s liberating! I feel like a whole new person even though I’m the same person, only not hating myself…funny that, huh?

For six months now, I’ve been in a relationship that is going very well. My boyfriend has helped me a lot in realising that I’m better than I thought I was. No, I shouldn’t have let someone else show me that but sometimes you really can’t see it for yourself, can you? I don’t rely on him, and he doesn’t rely on me; we support one another, love one another and help one another to grow. We’re equals. And, my fellow damsels, that’s what you want. That’s what a real relationship is: push and pull, give and take, king and queen – not a prince saving a damsel.

I am a university drop-out. No, I’m not a quitter, or an idiot, or a ‘free spirit’ who wants to be ‘one with the world’. Instead, I’m just a bit lost. I don’t feel like uni is where I’m supposed to be right now, and there was no chance I was going to follow the herd just because society kinda wanted me to. Make sense?

But in all honesty, I’ve no clue of what I’m doing tomorrow, let alone for the next year or so. I have a few ideas and applications and things to try out, but I’m trying not to tell people too much about these things, just in case they don’t work out. I will let my success do all the talking for me.

By being where I am right now, I think it’s the perfect time to start a blog. I get to share my journey into becoming…well, I’ll figure that out later, but you guys will hopefully get to see someone who’s lost find her way – and realise that it’s possible. You’ll get to hear about my shenanigans as the oh-so-not-savvy person I am, and laugh at my pain whilst relinquishing your own. Perhaps I’ll be able to help you if you’re going through a similar situation. Or maybe I’ll just give you a few decent books to read and films to watch, but either way, we can help each other out somehow, right?

Thanks for reading, I look forward to this journey with you.

~ Damsel

Hello Damsels, I’m here to ease your distress

Hey! So somehow you’ve stumbled upon my blog, so whilst you’re here, why not stay a while?

Who am I though? Right, good question. Well I don’t want to tell you my name, or where I truly come from etc. because I think it’s nicer for you to imagine me to be whoever you need or want me to be, get what I mean? But this you should know – I’m in my early twenties, I’m British and mixed race and of course, I’m an aspiring writer. I’ve published a book (self-published it, and it was a nightmare the way I went about it. Live and learn and all that though). Now, I want to create a voice in another way. For a long time now, I come to enjoy writing in a variety of ways and now a proper blog is next on my to-accomplish list!

When you’re reading my blog, I hope to post at least one article a week, sometimes two. These articles can vary, of course, because I have many interests and an unfocused mind at times (sorry in advance). But generally, it’s going to be about life, journeys, experiences as a growing adult and all that jazz. Every now and then, I’m going to throw in the odd book or film review but within that review, I’m going to tell you what those experiences taught me. I don’t think enough people read to learn or watch a film to get more than just entertainment from it. But also, come on, if a film has awesome action, I’m going to tell you about that too!

So if I’ve managed to interest you in the slightest, I’ll speak to you again soon. And, thank you in advance for joining me on my journey. This blog is good for anyone who is finding their way in the world; finding out who they are and who are scared to do so, but keep moving regardless. Always keep moving, friends. I’m No Damsel in Distress, and neither will I allow you to be. So here goes guys.

~ Damsel