S.R. Crawford's Blog, page 104

First Times, Loss, Fear and Change – 2016 is Here

In light of the New Year, I want to reflect on a lot of things that I’ve learnt from 2015. It has been a roller-coaster of a year, because I feel like I’ve been through several metamorphoses. At the start of the year, I was not the same person as I was half-way through, and now at the end I’m yet another person. It’s been hard, I have to say, but upon reflection I’ve discovered that I’ve done a lot, achieved a lot, and come through some hard stuff.

First Times:

This year I got with my first real boyfriend! People may roll their eyes at this being the first thing that I mention, but let me finish. We got together in January and I was super happy. We’d fallen quite fast for one another, and being the inexperienced person that I am, I wanted to get together right away. However, he never asked. And when I suggested it, he said we weren’t there yet. As you can imagine, there was loads of anxiety around it, feeling like we’d never get together. So now, to look back and realise that we’ve nearly been together for a year now feels amazing.

Plus, I wasn’t always sure. You all know by now that I have anxiety and I’m very good at over-thinking things, and so my relationship used to be a big thing on my make-myself-crazy-thinking-about-it list. I would consider if my boyfriend and I were too different to work in the long term. That if my anxiety would eventually push him away. That we only saw one another once a week to begin with and that it wouldn’t work because I’m a person who likes to have my family close. And because Patrick is so laid-back and chilled, whilst I’m so passionate and over-worked, that I’d feel like he didn’t care for me as much as I care for him.

But all that stopped mattering after a while. I can’t really tell you how or why, but the thoughts just slipped away. I no longer cried to my mom, worried about whether I was meant to be with him. I no longer worried about changing who I am in order to keep him. I no longer analysed everything he said to see whether there was more to it than it seemed. Instead I just enjoyed my time with him. I went with the flow and didn’t change myself. I opened up to him about my insecurities and hindrances so that he’d have no delusion that I was someone that I wasn’t. And guess what happened…our relationship bloomed. We became so strong and connected and kept going through relationship developments that I didn’t know I could ever do. I never thought someone could love me, for me. I always thought that my “issues” would stop me from getting far if I was ever able to capture a boyfriend! But here I am loving someone who loves me whilst knowing all of my problems. Someone who has decided that we could spend the rest of our lives together. This is an amazing milestone for 2015. It’s taught me how to love, how to trust, how to open up and make yourself naked in every conceivable way and most of all, it’s taught me to accept another person in their entirety. Time; all it took was time.

This year I’ve done a lot of other things for the first time as well. I’ve been on my first holiday without my family. Patrick and I went to Blackpool (there’s another post about that) and it was amazing. We got a chance to just be with one another, be independent and just have fun. It gave me a taster into what our lives could be like when we move-in together. Whilst we were there, I also had a panic attack, the first one that Patrick had seen. But I don’t regret having one, because it showed both of us that Patrick could step up and help me through it.

At Christmas, my mother went to spend five days in Surrey with her friends, leaving my siblings and I alone at Christmas for the first time. I will admit that it was very hard for me. My mom is everything to me and for her not to be a part of it, felt very strange. Don’t get me wrong, we had fun and I saw everyone I wanted to see, but it didn’t truly feel like Christmas because she was missing. However, I was proud of her for going. She was able to part from her “children” during a festive season and have fun with all adults instead, carefree. She deserved it. Although change is scary, very scary, it can be good. In fact, it’s nearly always very good for us. I missed my mother, and she missed us, but now we know that we can be apart from one another during times when we are usually together.

From this, my sister and I were able to cook a big Christmas dinner for our partners. It was so fun and exciting because we’ve never cooked a big turkey before. I felt like a real adult; independent and motherly! My boyfriend was very impressed and that made me feel even better. I know it’s silly, especially as I see myself as a bit of a feminist, but I like to know that I can cook for my boyfriend. He, of course, cooks for me too, but I want to know that if and when it comes to it, I can do a good job of keeping him well-fed in the future. So, score one for me!

What else, what else… this year I’ve done things that I was scared to see through. Firstly, there’s first year of university. Early on in the year, I decided that I didn’t want to continue with my degree. It was a hard and upsetting time for me, as I didn’t feel like it was right but didn’t know what to do instead. In fact, I still don’t know! But once I decided to quit my course, I felt relieved. However, I don’t like wasting my time. Therefore, I told myself to see the year through so that I would have a certificate to say I passed first year, and 120 credits to use later on if needs be. And you know what, I did it. Do you know how hard it is to study for a course you have no interest in? To attend lectures and write essays for a course you know you’re quitting anyway? It was awful, but I did it, so now I don’t regret that part of the year. It taught me that I am smarter and stronger than I thought, and that I have the great gift of perseverance.

Speaking of perseverance, I also published my second book this month. The book was meant to be out in September, by my calculations, but my editors did let me down. Only one person got there part done, leaving a lot left for me to do. Then, a month later, I fell into a dark place. It was very hard to be in the darkness, and know that my book could save me, and yet I couldn’t write. The in-completion of it made me feel even worse about my situation. People kept looking at me like I was crazy just because I couldn’t see any light. But those who have never been in seemingly infinite darkness would never understand why the light seems to far away.

But I did it. I pulled myself out. And now I’m not just a One Trip Pony. I’m not just the girl who published one book back when she was ambitious and career-orientated, but instead I feel like a real author now. Someone who is actively publishing. I’m proud.

This year I got my first real job. At the moment, I work in retail but I did get another job as a copywriter. The job didn’t work out, and caused the anxiety and depression as mentioned above, but it had to happen to teach me some things. One, that I can get a “real job” without necessarily having a degree. Two, that failures only lead us to see what we couldn’t see otherwise. And three, that I don’t want to be a copywriter, writing random crap for a company. A job title has been taken off my list now, and so even though I was scared about having less options, I now have less of an overwhelming list of pathways. One will be right. I will find my way.

As mentioned before, I’ve gone through many metamorphoses. At the start of the year, I was at uni and driving and totally confident and independent. I was driving to uni through the hard streets of Birmingham, then driving me and my boyfriend around. I could go to the shops, the cinema, to town – wherever. I was free. I was able to do whatever I wanted to. But when the car was taken back, I felt trapped again. I had tasted freedom, then have it torn away. It was hard to adapt to. It was like my wings had been clipped. But again it’s taught me that I can drive, I can take on the challenge of hard roads. But also that I need to save up for a car. Seeing as I don’t think I’m ready to move out just yet, I need that other bit of freedom. And the car gave me that, so it’s something I must work for in order to get back.

Lastly, there’s the blog and buying a camera. These are ways to share my art and I’ve become very involved in it. Although I don’t have a huge audience, it gives my writing purpose. It encourages me to write more than just novels. And through doing it, I’ve now found my voice. My niche. Next year, I hope to expand and get bigger and better, both with this blog and with all the doors that having a camera can open.

Loss:

Sadly, this year has involved a lot of losses, too. In April, my friend passed away. Tahlia was a great soul that always shone brightly in a variety of ways. She was strong and tenacious and went after what she wanted. I’d known her for about eighteen years, because we met when we were babies. My mother taught her to ride a bike. We went to the same primary and secondary schools too. She had always just been there. But Tahlia was sick, terminally so. She had Cystic Fibrosis in her lungs and it was a vicious disease. It only got worse and after having a lung transplant, Tahlia’s body could no longer fight.

We lost her this year. I never thought she’d go. For some reason, I believed that Tahlia would be one of the stronger CF sufferers and beat the illness for longer. Never would I have imagined that she’d lose the fight at the age of 20. She deserved more than that. She had a lot more life to live.

But losing Tahlia has taught me a few things. She lived her life, and tasted it in its entirety, even when knowing that she was ill. She made things happen. She was ambitious even with knowing that her time was more limited than ours. She taught me to keep going. That even when things are hard, you can still do something, anything. I can’t give up now, not when there’s people in heaven who believe in me. Not when there’s people watching to see what I can do.

This year I also had to face the change and sort of loss of a few other things. Being no longer at university. I feel the grave loss of a path. Of direction and stability and it feels awful. My brother moved out, taking away my best friend. I now feel like it’s hard to see him and hate that when I do the time feels limited. When I finished my second book, just like the first time, I felt the loss of it. Knowing that I can’t go back to fix it, and tweak it, feels scary. It’s very emotional.

But through loss, we know what we’re made of. It tests us. It asks us what we want, where we can get it, and that we can move on. I know we wish we didn’t have to learn lessons in such hard and painful ways, but pain reminds us that we’re alive. Surviving reminds us that we’re strong. Scars remind us that we can win wars.

Fear & Change:

As you’ve read, my year has been eventful. I’ve done much, felt much and done things I couldn’t have imagined in 2014. For the majority of it, I’ve been scared. Fear has been a huge part of 2015, but upon realising that, I know that even when fear preys on us, we can still have pretty amazing experiences. I’ve met the love of my life, which was, and still is, f*cking scary but that fear means it truly means something to me. I’ve published a book. I had my first Christmas without my mother. I’ve been to my first football game. I’ve celebrated the 6 months mark with my partner. I’ve been away without my mother. I’ve drove on the motorway. I’ve started a blog and completed a year of a degree. And all these things involved some level of fear. All these things involved changing what I once knew about myself. Changing what I do. Changing who I am.

So, is fear so evil? Is change so bad? Even when we’re knocked down, we can, I promise you, get back up. The evidence is listed above. And I hope that I too can take from this that life is hard, and it feels like it just wants to hit us, but beauty can be found.

Next year, all I want is to be happy. How do we be happy, I hear you ask? Well it’s simple. Balance. Every day, week, month or year needs to involve balance, otherwise you won’t be happy. So, my new year is going to be about that. This year my friend passed away and I “failed” at leaving for a better job, but I also started a real love-life, published a book and completed a year of degree = BALANCE. We could so easily wallow in the pain of loss or failure, because I know that the pull of the darkness will sadly always be stronger than the light, but that’s why we have to be strong. We have to set the balance ourselves in order to find the happiness that’s just through the door.

Balance in life: accept the bad, see the good

Have a lovely New Year’s celebration, guys. You deserve to have a great 2016, so make that happen. Set your own balance. Love bravely. Accept what you can’t change. Change what you can. Open up. Laugh through pain. Live.

~ Damsel

 

Tis the Season…

Of course, it’s almost Christmas and in whatever way you celebrate the holidays, I hope it’s great! But I wanted to discuss the whole thing. Christmas! I don’t know about you, but for me it seems to change more and more each year. That’s age, I know, but it’s mad how much can change. And I must admit, I don’t know how to feel about it.

Today I went Christmas food shopping with my boyfriend, because my younger sister and I are cooking for our partners this year. Last year, however, neither of us would have been doing that. I wasn’t in a relationship last year, and my sister’s was a secret! Instead, it was me, my mom, my brother and sister, opening presents then going to my grandparents for dinner.

Oh how that’s all changed! This year, my mom is going to London, leaving us without her for the first time over the holidays. To make matters worse, my older brother moved out this year, and so the house is even emptier. He’s coming down for Christmas, but still it seems more of a chore, a thing, than the effortless festive fun that we used to have.

“Grow up”, I hear you cry, well I’m trying to. Trust me, I am trying! I’m embracing the change a lot better than I thought I would, but it’s just weird when one reflects on it, right? How only a year ago, things were so, so different. That I could never have truly imagined Christmas to be as it is now.

Don’t get me wrong, I am enjoying some of it though. How we get to spread Christmas across a few days now that we have different important people to spend it with. I get special dinners, presents and good company more days than one, woo! But all in all, I’m just grateful that my family is expanding. Family is the most important thing to me, and so changes in my family are hard to accept, not because I’m still a child who needs to grow up, but because I just depend on them too much. I like them to be there, even if we don’t do anything or talk or even hang in the same room. I just love knowing that my mom is upstairs; my brother is in the other room; my boyfriend is down the street; and my grandparents are walking distance away.

So when they start to branch out, I do get anxious. I need them. I always will. Adapting to my brother leaving was easier than I thought, but sometimes I get sad when he visits or I visit him and we’re back to our chatty selves; but that time is limited, because he has to go back to his new home.

I guess what we need to do when feeling this way is appreciate the time we have. Be utterly in the moment. Don’t let people pass you by, especially not family. You will always need them, and god you’ll always love them, but a special bond can transcend not only time, but space too. No matter how long you’ve not seen them or how far they go, that bond can never be severed.

Christmas this year will be full of new experiences, a new mindset, a bigger family and more celebrations. It’ll be different, but different is good. With the same old, same old is happening every year, we’d get bored, right? So if your Christmas this year isn’t going the way you’re used to, try to make the most of it. Don’t be bitter or sad or wallow in the past, for the past should never be a place of residence.

Share not only presents, but joy, appreciation and love as you celebrate. Christmas isn’t one day a year, it’s a whole season. And love is shared eternally. Let the season touch you, and bring you the great end to 2015 that you deserve.

I’ll be writing a post about the coming of 2016 and then that’ll be a wrap for the great 2015. Happy holidays everyone.

~ Damsel

Film Review of “Krampus” – Holy Crazy Santa!

My boyfriend and I went to the cinema for the first time in forever, and we decided to visit the new Resort World cinema in Birmingham. It is very beautiful, by the way, and a lot less busy than the usual ones we go to. He wanted to watch Krampus but I hadn’t heard much about it. Being a Cineworld Unlimited card holder and an avid lover of film, I wouldn’t say no to any film anyway.

The film is a Christmas horror – yes, that’s right, a Christmas horror. But this concept intrigued me. Horrors don’t scare me much but this one succeeded. I don’t know why, maybe it was because at first it seemed like a normal Christmas film, but it did achieve the big jumpscares.

For those of you who don’t know, “Krampus” is based on an evil spirit that is thought to be the dark-side of Saint Nicholas (Santa). In certain European countries, they believe that if someone doesn’t believe in the magic of Christmas and the greatness of Saint Nicholas, then they will be taken and punished by the Krampus spirit. I love this! Of course, it’s a totally messed up idea that’s totally terrifying to tell your children about, but it’s fascinating to me. To think that this belief is the norm in certain countries is really cool! (Sorry, I went a bit nerdy there.)

So in the film, as you can imagine, the boy starts to stop believing in Christmas and its magic. This leads to Krampus being risen. The start of the film was the scariest for me. The whole haunting presence of Krampus, with the unnerving jingling of his bells, made me actually nervous. It was the build-up and the fact that you couldn’t see its face that got me the most.

However, it was comical too. A lot of it was silly and some of the other beasts didn’t achieve horror, instead looked mild or comical. It made us laugh though, so in that way it still did what it intended to do. The Krampus itself looked very good, though. The entire concept and the way the myth was brought to life, and frighteningly so, was done really well. It was a simple film in a way, and I saw it simply for entertainment rather than to see a great film. Never the less, I believe it is worth a watch this holiday season.

When thinking of jingle bells, and stockings, why not go to witness the opposite? To feel what it would be like to forget what the holidays are really about. It saddens me to see people who aren’t at least a little bit lifted by the joys of Christmas, and so the idea of torturing them for doing so it quite interesting! Is that sadistic of me to say? Whoops. But it got me thinking about what other cultures and countries see as the norm. How something so scary and crazy to me, is perfectly normal to a child in Germany! I mean they have these big festival celebrations for Krampus, wearing frightening masks and outfits, scaring the children! I wonder what their Halloween is like!

All in all, I’ll give the film a 6.5/10. Stand alone, it wasn’t amazing. But for the winning scares and the intrigue it induced, I’d say it’s worth the watch.

~ Damsel

My Experiences with Acupuncture

It is no secret now that I am a sufferer of anxiety and other mental blocks, something of which I am not ashamed of, but would like to reduce the affects it has on me. Thus, the acupuncture. My uncle happened to be working on a garden next door to an acupuncturist. He is aware of some of my hindrances and so he asked the doctor if she thinks she could help me. She said yes and that I should contact her.

When he told me about it, I was a bit sceptical at first to be honest. I mean it’s needles, weird tiny needles, how can they help me?

But I’m also very interested in that kind of stuff and how it works. Asian cultures are fascinating to me, and, well, let’s think about them for a minute. Asian cultures typically report feelings of depression and anxiety one of the least in the world. Arguably, this is because they find it a sign of weakness and therefore wouldn’t admit to it. (But by the way, it is NOT a weakness)

But maybe it is because of the treatments they use and their livelihood. Maybe they’re just doing something right. Westerners like myself are known for thinking too much, wanting too much and generally finding new ways each day to feel that bit more crap about ourselves. However, generally, Asian cultures don’t tend to do this as much, and rightly so.

Therefore I went with an open-mind. I mean I’ve been for therapy and spoken to doctors who haven’t really stopped me from getting down. So, what’s the worst that could happen? When I got there, I was impressed by the furnishings of her home. Her space was very spiritual. She had a Buddha statue, a therapeutic oil humidifier, a Chinese calendar and just a calming ambience that settled me right away.

We sat down and spoke through my problems. She asked general questions then went in deeper. I found myself trusting her very quickly, as I opened up in many ways, more than I realised until I had stopped talking. She then worked out when my birthday fell and what that meant in terms of spiritual energies and elemental signs. What she worked out apparently fitted the problems that I had and she worked out what acupuncture and Reiki she needed to do on me.

She believes that my water energy was lacking. This is the energy which deals with depression, sleep, reproduction, bones and other things that I have problems with. Because mine is out of whack and not flowing properly, I’m suffering. She said that my fire energy is erratic which can cause anxiety, but if my water flows better, it should balance my fire energy too. Lastly, my earth needs strengthening. This is located in the stomach and causes appetite and dietary issues. She said that if my earth strengthens, then it would help balance the others and I’d be stronger and more resilient to adversity. Which sounds great!

I then lay down on the couch, where she stuck the acupuncture needles into me. It wasn’t all over the back like I expected, instead there are certain places where they are necessary in order to heal us. Mine were needed in my foot and wrist. There was three altogether. They were tiny and didn’t hurt at all, but again it was my trust in the doctor that made me feel 100% comfortable with it anyway. From there, she had me visualise a “happy place”. To picture a tranquil scene where I would feel calm, no stress and could truly be there. And I was there, really there. Just as advised, I could feel the grass beneath my feet. I could feel the heat of the sun. I could hear the wind and taste the water. I actually licked my lips after drinking the water in my mind!

And I was floating. I felt kind of numb, but not completely because I could feel the doctor touching my feet and head but I felt outside of myself. Even so, my mind would drift from that safe realm to the colour purple to my thoughts and back again, but I still felt calm. Only when it was over did I truly realise how deeply calm I was. Only when she told me to wake up, and I couldn’t open my eyes, did I realise how far under I had been. It was amazing, I really struggled with coming back to reality which was a great feeling. As someone who is scarily stuck in a horrible reality a lot of the time, it was amazing to slip out of that reality for some time.

When I was aware of myself and my surroundings again, I felt drowsy and lightheaded and empty. It was like all the negativity that usually bogs me down had seeped out of me. My head still thought of all the crap I usually do, but it was from a new perspective and new emotional state. I could look at things with a clearer head. And that, if nothing else, was worth my time. I know there is a place that I can go to let out the negativity and start anew. A place where I can let go of reality for a bit and just feel calm. Even if it doesn’t change all the things that the doctor said it could, I still recommend it to my fellow sufferers.

What I’ve took from this experience is that I’m not incapable of relaxing and shutting off. That my mind can be cleared. That western medicine doesn’t have all the answers. That something, if not the things the doctor said, is off-balance within me. That if I can fix the weaker areas, then everything will flow more smoothly. I will be able to handle difficulties with more strength instead of being dragged under by it.

If you suffer from anxiety, depression or any stress etc., I do suggest you try acupuncture. It isn’t as scary as it may seem. And it’s fascinating if nothing else! Seriously, go with an open mind and you shall feel refreshed. I do suggest that you go home and relax by yourself afterwards though, instead of seeing anyone like I did. Sometimes they can affect the positive feeling that you leave with without meaning to.

We all have minds that are full of awful gunk, but that gunk can be cleaned out if you let it. Trust me, I had a messy mind!

~ Damsel

Publishing a Book Through Amazon

I’ve done a post before about book publication, but here’s another one about the actual process. So, my next book is about to get published through Amazon and I’m both excited and utterly terrified.

When I finished editing it for the final time, I ran to tell my sister. Then, I cried. It was very emotional. My second baby was ready to be seen by the world and that’s very overwhelming. It’s hard to know when’s the right time, and weeks, months and years of work suddenly being over, is very scary. It feels like something will be missing once you let go. So, if you’re a caring novelist, be ready for these wave of feelings.

But Amazon are amazing. If you don’t want to or simply can’t publish your book the usual way, then self-publishing through Amazon is quick, easy and very good. There is a stigma attached to self-publishing, and people see it as less impressive than normal publishing, but the simple fact is that great books can be self-published. All it means is that the author took their own fate into their own hands. Remember that J.K. Rowling was rejected many times by normal publishing houses, so I think it’s safe to say that they don’t always know what a good book is when they see it either!

How does Amazon publishing work then? Well there’s this site called Createspace.com, where one gets to create the book they want published. By implementing the content and information that the site requests, step-by-step, you get guided through the publication process. It starts with the title and author name information. Then there’s the interior design.

The interior is the hardest and longest part, but stay patient and keep going. In the Word document of your manuscript, you’re going to have to set out the book the way you want it to look when published. This is the header, listing your author’s name and book title; then the page count at the bottom; the chapter title layout; and anything else that comes with it. Doesn’t sound too hard, and it might not be, but I have rather long books with many chapters so it did take me a while.

Next we have the cover. If you’re a good designer, with Photoshop or another editing software, then this should be easy. If you have the money, you could pay someone to make it for you instead. Or there’s a option on Createspace.com to make the image yourself, however there’s less freedom and your book will be less original. Luckily for me, my brother is a designer so he is going to help me. I purchased my image from iStock and it’s a good site to get your image from too, if you know what you’re looking for and you’re willing to sift through a lot of images to find it.

Lastly, there’s the reviewing process and ISBN and payment details for the royalties. Again, these parts are quite straightforward. Createspace can give you a free ISBN for your book, as every book needs one in order to be published. This makes it unique. Then you’re pretty much done.

All in all, the process is very simple. If you read through the guidelines and download the templates that guide you, I promise that you will be fine. Amazon seems to understand what makes a good book and what authors need to know to get them published. On the site, there is also stats of your book’s sales and ways to track them. It has everything!

If you need more info or any help, I’d be happy to share what I know. Budding authors need to stick together. It is from connecting with other authors that I know how to do this myself. Don’t be afraid to connect.

~ Damsel

Running Along Your Path – Decisions, Advice and Life

Hey, I’m back my fellow Damsels. Lately, as I mentioned before, I’ve been really lost and upset and yadda yadda about my life. Along with those feelings, comes a whirlwind of thoughts. But the worst part is decision making. I’m not good at this. Like really not good.

But I’m also a person who feels I have to make decisions. I have to have a set plan and direction. I need to be in control…which is awful. If you’re my age or older, I’m sure you can agree with the fact that twenty year olds have no idea what they’re doing. I’m right, aren’t I? We’re totally lost, or we think we’re not lost until that’s proven to be entirely wrong. And yet, we have to start making big life decisions.

How awful it is to make huge life decisions? It’s crushing. But I won’t go into the soul-crushing, fear-inducing, darkness-creating ideas around life decisions. Just know that I’m trying to sort out mine.

Alongside this, I’ve been seeking this grand thing called Advice. Everyone can give it, even when they’re definitely not qualified to do so. But they have an opinion, and I’ve sought this opinion from everyone who would give me the time of day.

It’s crazy, I know, but I’ve felt so lost that I keep asking and asking for advice. I’ve asked family, friends, colleagues, strangers and the internet. All have said so much that it’s only made my head ache. When getting advice, you have to remember that they’re just speaking from their life experiences. But also, you have to remember that when getting advice, the mind is very tricky – it’ll only hear what you want to hear. Meaning, you’re selective by nature. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy (yeah that year of a Psychology degree helped a bit). I’m trying to analyse myself in that sense. What did I want to hear when speaking to those people? What did I learn when speaking to them, that I actually knew all along?

I wanted to hear how to make it. How to know what you should do in life. How to get onto the right path. How to just be happy. How to make a living but not work a horrid job.

But in reality, no one could answer those questions for me. Well, not really. But one thing they did say, that I’m trying my best to listen to, is that I don’t have to know yet. I’m still young and so instead of stressing about those things, the grand plan, I should just live. I should just smile and be in the moment, appreciating the easiness of my life right now.

But that’s hard for me. As I said, I need a plan. To not be actively pursuing something makes me feel uneasy. So, what have I done? What am I doing? … I’m taking a frickin’ break!

Ever since I was sixteen and I decided I was going to actively publish a real book, I’ve been stressed. I’ve been tired, scared, depressed, angry, stressed, busy, busy and busy. I was doing my GCSEs whilst writing a book and suffering from insomnia and depression. I did well in my GCSEs and published that book, then went onto university right away after having no break over summer. I then dropped out of university and worked a crappy job after being depressed about not being at uni and having no job beforehand. Then, once again, I sent myself to university, which was again the wrong decision in the end, but I forced myself to finish the year so that I could accomplish something whilst again, writing a book and starting my first real relationship – which was very scary for me. I’ve been too hard on myself.

But why am I telling you all this personal stuff? Because I want you to know that people make mistakes. We take millions of wrong turns and they can drive us crazy or drive us into the right direction. But the worst mistake anyone can make is not realising when to breathe. We need to breathe in order to survive and I think I’m realising that my worst flaw is the fact that I don’t breathe. I don’t relax. I can’t switch off; I’m constantly considering this, and that, and what’s happening tomorrow and what can be achieved if I do this thing. Urgh, it’s exhausting just writing about it, never mind the fact that it’s my life!

So I’m twenty, and still lost, but I have achieved some great things. Just because I don’t know what to do next, doesn’t mean that I won’t continue to achieve great things either. But for now, I think, and hope, I can benefit from giving myself a break. A real break. Where I just live and love for a second. If opportunities present themselves, then by all means, I’ll entertain them. But I need to learn to relax.

Great people work hard. They work really hard. They dream and plan and get things done. But they don’t run for the sake of running, right? Would you agree? Running a path you don’t like or know, is pointless and damaging. You can lose yourself that way. Running a path that’s getting you where you want to go is what’s important. So, Damsels, we first need to live slowly before we start running. Give ourselves a chance to find the race we want to be a contender in…

Well through all this turmoil, what advice actually stuck with me? Here’s the best ones that I think (and that’s just my advice) that other’s should listen to as well:

Taking care of yourself comes before everything else.
Give yourself a break. You’re your own worst critic.
Be appreciative of what you have; stop taking it for granted and always seeking more.
You’re allowed to make mistakes, in fact, they’re encouraged.
It’s OK not to be OK. It feels horrible, but it’s an important part of life.
If you don’t know what you’re doing, you’re not alone. Don’t take yourself so seriously, you’re not as unique as you think. Others have figured things out, so you will too.
Change is horrid, it really is, but try to embrace it. More often than not, it’s actually good for us.
Do things. The worst thing for a person who’s down on their luck is to stay cooped up at home.
Your friends, family and loved ones are treasures. No matter what happens, they’re the ones who will get you through it. Love and let yourself be loved.
Don’t listen or follow anyone else! Do your own thing! Seek happiness above anything else and don’t ever be sorry for it.

~ Damsel

GUEST POST! Introducing…Patrick Kuduwa

Hello there readers. I am here for the first time to tell you guys a little bit about me. So this is a story all about how I skipped immigration and got into the UK. As you can tell, I am a joker…

On a serious note, I am Patrick. I’m the Damsel’s boyfriend. You think I am amazing already, don’t you? She does make me sound pretty awesome…

I have recently turned 21 and it was like the best feeling I have ever had because now I feel grown up.

I am a laid back person and I like to teach people to try and not take life so seriously, no matter what happens. You would be surprised at what you can do in life by not worrying or caring so much.

I know I am not the brightest person you could meet, but through my easy-going ways and not worrying about life, I have still managed to achieve many things in my 21 years. I have managed to get 13 GCSE’s, 3 A-Levels, and I’m currently on my way to a degree – I’ve also received many awards and trophies. I tried not to worry about how much work I have to do or how much work I received, instead I focused on knowing the basics to get me through, and learning the complicated things if and when along the way. I feel in life you cannot control everything and most things you just have to let happen on their own for the best. Trying to control everything and worrying about things can turn a person into the opposite person to who they can be and want to be in life.

Yes I know there are some things in life that you have to take seriously, or you’ll get hurt or suffer or DIE! (Only if you are THAT stupid). With University work, I try to take it more serious. I take all the advice and relationships I share with my friends and family seriously, so that they don’t see me as a joke. One thing I like to take seriously once in a while is taking a lead in a project, to prove to myself and others that I can be a leader, which I think we all should be good at. If you feel you will always be a sheep in your life, I think it is not a problem, though. You just have to be good at whatever you choose to do.

However, I feel you can only do what makes you happy. If wanting to take control of things in your life makes you happy and makes you, ‘you’, then don’t change a bit. Be happy. If you want to try be different, learn to be easy going, and experience different things in life then I recommend saying ‘Oh well’ to things once in a while, and smile at the choices you’ve made without caring too much.

Having a balance of both things would be the best too, but I would find it difficult to keep things equal. Don’t listen to me though, just see my advice as an alternative when you feel life is kicking you in the balls.

Until next time, Humans. Stay tuned to hear more about my wild life.

Broken Glass – A Creative Writing Piece

Broken Glass

They treat me like I’m broken glass.

Shattered,

Fragile,

Pieces of what once was

Beautiful.

But I’m not beautiful anymore.

Not strong, nor talented.

A piece of artwork that once drew a great audience

Is now destroyed.

Worthless.

People daren’t touch me for fear that I’d cut them.

“Broken glass is dangerous,”

They were told. And so I’m alone.

Cutting myself on my pieces,

I must put myself back together again.

Restoring the art that I once was.

To be a sculpture,

A spectacle,

A monument.

But when they return, will they forget that I was ever broken?

Or will they see the fine cracks that line my body? And how

Do I prove that my cracks are now a part of my art?

That without them, I am not me?

Someone that has never broken,

Isn’t stronger than someone who’s broken several times but remembers

How to be whole.

But little do they know,

That when they look at me,

They aren’t seeing shattered glass;

Shattered pieces of my body.

Oh no.

They are seeing a shattered mirror.

The broken pieces of their own reflection.

~ Damsel

Publishing a Book: My Experiences & Advice

So I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it before, but I’m a published author. Save your “oh my god”s and “that’s so impressive”s because I’m self-published. I’m proud of myself all the same, and I still have the title of Author, but people shouldn’t get so excited about it.

*My book is called ‘No Secrets: Eternity Series’ and is available on Amazon http://www.eternityseries.co.uk *

Anyway, I’ve written the sequel to No Secrets and it’s soon to be ready for publication, and so I thought it could be interesting for me to share my publishing experience with you.

When publishing ‘No Secrets’, I went about it the wrong way. My mother and I got excited about doing it when I was 16 almost 17 and we didn’t know much about what we were doing. We called random companies and they told us they don’t take manuscripts unless I have an agent. But we didn’t know how to get one of those…

Being clueless, we found an alternative that was favourable at the time. A company called Author House are an American publishing house, who self-publish books for authors. For a fee. Long story short, I went with this company, spent a lot of money and I did all the work. Like what am I paying you for?! I wrote it, edited it, designed the cover, the interior, everything! I have to market it too, and with a limited amount of money, of course that hasn’t been easy.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve sold books. I don’t see the point in regretting my past decisions and I don’t think it has tarnished my career either. People know I’m an author, people in my area recognise my author’s name (some of them, as I went for an interview and they already knew me), and I’ve been in three news outlets. Nothing big, nothing impressive, but it’s something that wouldn’t have happened if I’d done nothing at all. For that, it was worth it.

But of course I’ve also learnt from my mistakes. This time around, I’m self-publishing through Amazon. Like duh, right!? Why didn’t I know of this before!? It’s free, easy and fast. With a click of a few buttons, my book will be published via e-Book. Through http://www.createspace.com as well, it can be made into a paperback and sold on Amazon too. Amazing, right? And did I mention it’s all free!?

But that’s the easy part. The right site and time and it’s done. It’s getting to that point that’s the problem though. I was meant to publish this book in September, the beginning of September. But unfortunately, I have been delayed. This is through no real fault of my own, and that’s the sad part. When self-publishing, as I mentioned, all the big stuff falls on you. You must write the book, edit it and design it. But of course, you can’t truly do that alone unless you’re amazing and can spot all of your own errors. So, you hire editors.

Either you’re willing to pay for an outsider to do it, or you enlist your friends/family to do the job. I went for the latter. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not bad-mouthing my friends. I love them and appreciate all the time and effort they put into tackling my lengthy, fantasy fiction. However, only one of my friends was able to read my full book for me. All of them were given the first half of the book 5 months ago and asked to finish by July, where they all said they could do it. As I’m sure you’ve guessed, that wasn’t the case.

I’m not stupid, or mean, I get that people have their own lives and, excuse my French, shit happens. What I didn’t like was that no one clued me in on it. When I’d check up on them, they’d give excuses. And that was hard to hear. It was hard to know that my friends couldn’t just tell me the truth, or value my dream enough to say “sorry, I’m not gonna get it done so you need to find someone else”. At least then I’d know where I stood. But no. Sadly, not enough was done in time. And I know someone(s) lied to me because there is no way all five people had “a laptop malfunction that deleted all their edits”. Yes, all five of my editors said that that had happened. Hmmm…

But like I said, I’m not bad-mouthing my friends. I know they were protecting my feelings and trying to help as best they could. And I do truly appreciate that. I’m simply telling you this story so that you think twice before asking your friends to help you. They’ll be great, of course, but you don’t want any conflict. It’s not fair to them or you. So consider paying a small fee for an editor so that it stays strictly business.

Apart from that, if you want to be a published author, then write. Write everyday that you can without any excuses. Even when it’s hard, even when it bores you – get your story out. Allow yourself to make mistakes and have setbacks. Do your research! I didn’t and I regret it. But you should check out what past authors have done. Check out what sells and what doesn’t. What’s a good deal and what’s a con. Know all about publishing. And other authors aren’t your competition, they’re your friends. They can help you because, well, they are you! Remember that. Need any help, feel free to ask me any questions.

Good luck!

~ Damsel

My Great Holiday & The Anxiety of Change…

As you may have guessed from my silence over the past week, I’ve been busy elsewhere my friends. Yes, I actually took a holiday! And you know what, I deserved it. Both my boyfriend and I deserved it. We didn’t go far, only Blackpool, but it was such an amazing trip. So much so, that I’m suffering from the post-holiday blues.

I won’t go too deep into what we did and bore you, but in a nutshell, we had fun! We stayed in those camping pods, which were so cool but totally freezing. We had to go out and buy an extra quilt and pillows for the second night. The first night, I sadly suffered from a panic attack, too. I won’t go into too much detail but I think I was freaked out about being in the wilderness so far away from home. However, my boyfriend was amazing. He calmed me down, held me and told me stories to distract me. It was a great experience in the end, as it proved to us both that we could deal with the situation together.

We visited Blackpool zoo, which was the biggest, best zoo that I’ve been to. Our favourite animal was the lemurs because they were so funny and confident around us. There were loads! We went on the beach and watched the sunset too.

The third day, we visited Madame Tussaud’s and Blackpool’s scary Dungeon attraction. Both were so fun and silly that it felt euphoric. Which has been a grave contribution to my sadness now.

         

The dungeons were very jumpy, causing my boyfriend and I to take the mick out of one another for getting scared. With eating out, camp fires and melted marshmallows, cuddles all night, peace and quiet and a beautiful view, I had forgotten that I was lost and scared and stressed. All the tension I’d been feeling had fizzled away and nothing but laughter and love was shared for those four days.

But then we got home on Friday, and as soon as my boyfriend drove off, and I shut the door, I felt scared. I felt sick to my stomach. And I actually cried. Reality suddenly hit home and I truly hit me hard. My mom was telling that I was being silly and I was just sad about my holiday being over. But it was so much more than that.

I know I shouldn’t be sad. I have a loving boyfriend. I have a job and I’m getting a better one that will get me onto the path of the right career. I have great friends. An amazing family. Food, shelter, warmth. Intelligence (somewhat) and an education. I have everything, right? I’m rich. I have the greatest wealth. And yet I can’t really see it. It’s fuzzy. I can’t help but focus on the negatives. On the fear. How this could happen, and I could be losing that. That I’ll have less time to do what I want, less fun and less freedom. That my life and my being is being changed and taken. I feel out of control, falling into an abyss that I’m not sure has an ending. And if it does have one, I don’t know whether it’s an ending I’ll like at all.

But everyone it being super supportive of my mini meltdown of late.

They’re offering advice and love and reasons why I have no real reason to be so anxious. Yes, things are changing. Yes, it’ll be hard and scary at first but soon I’ll gain a new routine that I can make work for me. I’m just afraid. And it’s okay to be afraid, right? I just hate the up and down of it all. How one minute I’m fine and smiling and laughing, then the next my thoughts become loud and I get dragged under. I start to shake and feel ill and get trapped.

Trapped by our anxious thoughts

However, if there’s anything I can do right, it’s deal with random horrible feelings of my own making. I’m going to try and keep busy. To let people in and not let my thoughts remain in my head, where they feel more real than they do when said aloud. I’m going to try and get excited about my new job by highlighting the positives:

I’m getting a lot more money! Yay!!!
I get to drive to work, and although the trip will be scary at first, I do actually enjoy driving.
I’m more independent.
I’m bettering and challenging myself.
Finally on the right path, in a writing job that will help with my future career.
I get to wear lovely smart work clothes and look amazing!

Why can’t I see the awesome opportunities in front of me?! Of course, I’ll be tired and challenged and a lot of my time will be in work, but the full time job like this isn’t going to be forever. This is just for now. I don’t have to lose myself if I hold onto that self. Coffee will be my best friend, along with eye-drops and a proper sleep routine. Every evening I can come home and snuggle up with my boyfriend or hang with my siblings if I want to. I barely do much else bar watch TV anyway, which is something I can definitely do after work!

And as the generally tired person that I am, I’m sure that I could still write my books every now and then, just like I do now…right? I’m ranting, sorry. You can just tell how fractured my thoughts are. I’m sorry if this post has irritated or bored you, but please know you helped me feel a little better. Thanks for that, damsels.

Remember that anxiety is a very real, very scary monster. It gets fed daily, no matter how hard one tries not to. It’s suffocating and dark. When I go through periods of anxiety, my head is always heavy, and dragging that along through my daily routine is tiring. Very tiring. Think before you judge someone who has it, please?

Ignorance can cause a lot of pain, don’t judge or bully someone with anxiety
Feeding negative thoughts
You’re not alone in your thoughts

If any of you are going through anxiety, or life changes, then feel free to speak up. If you’ve been through one recently and have any advice for me, that’d be lovely too. We must stick together in this mess we call life. Hopefully in my next post, I’ll have something more interesting and happy to say (tehe). Until then, I’m going to fake it until I make it. Take care.

~ Damsel