First Times, Loss, Fear and Change – 2016 is Here
In light of the New Year, I want to reflect on a lot of things that I’ve learnt from 2015. It has been a roller-coaster of a year, because I feel like I’ve been through several metamorphoses. At the start of the year, I was not the same person as I was half-way through, and now at the end I’m yet another person. It’s been hard, I have to say, but upon reflection I’ve discovered that I’ve done a lot, achieved a lot, and come through some hard stuff.
First Times:
This year I got with my first real boyfriend! People may roll their eyes at this being the first thing that I mention, but let me finish. We got together in January and I was super happy. We’d fallen quite fast for one another, and being the inexperienced person that I am, I wanted to get together right away. However, he never asked. And when I suggested it, he said we weren’t there yet. As you can imagine, there was loads of anxiety around it, feeling like we’d never get together. So now, to look back and realise that we’ve nearly been together for a year now feels amazing.
Plus, I wasn’t always sure. You all know by now that I have anxiety and I’m very good at over-thinking things, and so my relationship used to be a big thing on my make-myself-crazy-thinking-about-it list. I would consider if my boyfriend and I were too different to work in the long term. That if my anxiety would eventually push him away. That we only saw one another once a week to begin with and that it wouldn’t work because I’m a person who likes to have my family close. And because Patrick is so laid-back and chilled, whilst I’m so passionate and over-worked, that I’d feel like he didn’t care for me as much as I care for him.
But all that stopped mattering after a while. I can’t really tell you how or why, but the thoughts just slipped away. I no longer cried to my mom, worried about whether I was meant to be with him. I no longer worried about changing who I am in order to keep him. I no longer analysed everything he said to see whether there was more to it than it seemed. Instead I just enjoyed my time with him. I went with the flow and didn’t change myself. I opened up to him about my insecurities and hindrances so that he’d have no delusion that I was someone that I wasn’t. And guess what happened…our relationship bloomed. We became so strong and connected and kept going through relationship developments that I didn’t know I could ever do. I never thought someone could love me, for me. I always thought that my “issues” would stop me from getting far if I was ever able to capture a boyfriend! But here I am loving someone who loves me whilst knowing all of my problems. Someone who has decided that we could spend the rest of our lives together. This is an amazing milestone for 2015. It’s taught me how to love, how to trust, how to open up and make yourself naked in every conceivable way and most of all, it’s taught me to accept another person in their entirety. Time; all it took was time.
This year I’ve done a lot of other things for the first time as well. I’ve been on my first holiday without my family. Patrick and I went to Blackpool (there’s another post about that) and it was amazing. We got a chance to just be with one another, be independent and just have fun. It gave me a taster into what our lives could be like when we move-in together. Whilst we were there, I also had a panic attack, the first one that Patrick had seen. But I don’t regret having one, because it showed both of us that Patrick could step up and help me through it.
At Christmas, my mother went to spend five days in Surrey with her friends, leaving my siblings and I alone at Christmas for the first time. I will admit that it was very hard for me. My mom is everything to me and for her not to be a part of it, felt very strange. Don’t get me wrong, we had fun and I saw everyone I wanted to see, but it didn’t truly feel like Christmas because she was missing. However, I was proud of her for going. She was able to part from her “children” during a festive season and have fun with all adults instead, carefree. She deserved it. Although change is scary, very scary, it can be good. In fact, it’s nearly always very good for us. I missed my mother, and she missed us, but now we know that we can be apart from one another during times when we are usually together.
From this, my sister and I were able to cook a big Christmas dinner for our partners. It was so fun and exciting because we’ve never cooked a big turkey before. I felt like a real adult; independent and motherly! My boyfriend was very impressed and that made me feel even better. I know it’s silly, especially as I see myself as a bit of a feminist, but I like to know that I can cook for my boyfriend. He, of course, cooks for me too, but I want to know that if and when it comes to it, I can do a good job of keeping him well-fed in the future. So, score one for me!
What else, what else… this year I’ve done things that I was scared to see through. Firstly, there’s first year of university. Early on in the year, I decided that I didn’t want to continue with my degree. It was a hard and upsetting time for me, as I didn’t feel like it was right but didn’t know what to do instead. In fact, I still don’t know! But once I decided to quit my course, I felt relieved. However, I don’t like wasting my time. Therefore, I told myself to see the year through so that I would have a certificate to say I passed first year, and 120 credits to use later on if needs be. And you know what, I did it. Do you know how hard it is to study for a course you have no interest in? To attend lectures and write essays for a course you know you’re quitting anyway? It was awful, but I did it, so now I don’t regret that part of the year. It taught me that I am smarter and stronger than I thought, and that I have the great gift of perseverance.
Speaking of perseverance, I also published my second book this month. The book was meant to be out in September, by my calculations, but my editors did let me down. Only one person got there part done, leaving a lot left for me to do. Then, a month later, I fell into a dark place. It was very hard to be in the darkness, and know that my book could save me, and yet I couldn’t write. The in-completion of it made me feel even worse about my situation. People kept looking at me like I was crazy just because I couldn’t see any light. But those who have never been in seemingly infinite darkness would never understand why the light seems to far away.
But I did it. I pulled myself out. And now I’m not just a One Trip Pony. I’m not just the girl who published one book back when she was ambitious and career-orientated, but instead I feel like a real author now. Someone who is actively publishing. I’m proud.
This year I got my first real job. At the moment, I work in retail but I did get another job as a copywriter. The job didn’t work out, and caused the anxiety and depression as mentioned above, but it had to happen to teach me some things. One, that I can get a “real job” without necessarily having a degree. Two, that failures only lead us to see what we couldn’t see otherwise. And three, that I don’t want to be a copywriter, writing random crap for a company. A job title has been taken off my list now, and so even though I was scared about having less options, I now have less of an overwhelming list of pathways. One will be right. I will find my way.
As mentioned before, I’ve gone through many metamorphoses. At the start of the year, I was at uni and driving and totally confident and independent. I was driving to uni through the hard streets of Birmingham, then driving me and my boyfriend around. I could go to the shops, the cinema, to town – wherever. I was free. I was able to do whatever I wanted to. But when the car was taken back, I felt trapped again. I had tasted freedom, then have it torn away. It was hard to adapt to. It was like my wings had been clipped. But again it’s taught me that I can drive, I can take on the challenge of hard roads. But also that I need to save up for a car. Seeing as I don’t think I’m ready to move out just yet, I need that other bit of freedom. And the car gave me that, so it’s something I must work for in order to get back.
Lastly, there’s the blog and buying a camera. These are ways to share my art and I’ve become very involved in it. Although I don’t have a huge audience, it gives my writing purpose. It encourages me to write more than just novels. And through doing it, I’ve now found my voice. My niche. Next year, I hope to expand and get bigger and better, both with this blog and with all the doors that having a camera can open.
Loss:
Sadly, this year has involved a lot of losses, too. In April, my friend passed away. Tahlia was a great soul that always shone brightly in a variety of ways. She was strong and tenacious and went after what she wanted. I’d known her for about eighteen years, because we met when we were babies. My mother taught her to ride a bike. We went to the same primary and secondary schools too. She had always just been there. But Tahlia was sick, terminally so. She had Cystic Fibrosis in her lungs and it was a vicious disease. It only got worse and after having a lung transplant, Tahlia’s body could no longer fight.
We lost her this year. I never thought she’d go. For some reason, I believed that Tahlia would be one of the stronger CF sufferers and beat the illness for longer. Never would I have imagined that she’d lose the fight at the age of 20. She deserved more than that. She had a lot more life to live.
But losing Tahlia has taught me a few things. She lived her life, and tasted it in its entirety, even when knowing that she was ill. She made things happen. She was ambitious even with knowing that her time was more limited than ours. She taught me to keep going. That even when things are hard, you can still do something, anything. I can’t give up now, not when there’s people in heaven who believe in me. Not when there’s people watching to see what I can do.
This year I also had to face the change and sort of loss of a few other things. Being no longer at university. I feel the grave loss of a path. Of direction and stability and it feels awful. My brother moved out, taking away my best friend. I now feel like it’s hard to see him and hate that when I do the time feels limited. When I finished my second book, just like the first time, I felt the loss of it. Knowing that I can’t go back to fix it, and tweak it, feels scary. It’s very emotional.
But through loss, we know what we’re made of. It tests us. It asks us what we want, where we can get it, and that we can move on. I know we wish we didn’t have to learn lessons in such hard and painful ways, but pain reminds us that we’re alive. Surviving reminds us that we’re strong. Scars remind us that we can win wars.
Fear & Change:
As you’ve read, my year has been eventful. I’ve done much, felt much and done things I couldn’t have imagined in 2014. For the majority of it, I’ve been scared. Fear has been a huge part of 2015, but upon realising that, I know that even when fear preys on us, we can still have pretty amazing experiences. I’ve met the love of my life, which was, and still is, f*cking scary but that fear means it truly means something to me. I’ve published a book. I had my first Christmas without my mother. I’ve been to my first football game. I’ve celebrated the 6 months mark with my partner. I’ve been away without my mother. I’ve drove on the motorway. I’ve started a blog and completed a year of a degree. And all these things involved some level of fear. All these things involved changing what I once knew about myself. Changing what I do. Changing who I am.
So, is fear so evil? Is change so bad? Even when we’re knocked down, we can, I promise you, get back up. The evidence is listed above. And I hope that I too can take from this that life is hard, and it feels like it just wants to hit us, but beauty can be found.
Next year, all I want is to be happy. How do we be happy, I hear you ask? Well it’s simple. Balance. Every day, week, month or year needs to involve balance, otherwise you won’t be happy. So, my new year is going to be about that. This year my friend passed away and I “failed” at leaving for a better job, but I also started a real love-life, published a book and completed a year of degree = BALANCE. We could so easily wallow in the pain of loss or failure, because I know that the pull of the darkness will sadly always be stronger than the light, but that’s why we have to be strong. We have to set the balance ourselves in order to find the happiness that’s just through the door.
Balance in life: accept the bad, see the goodHave a lovely New Year’s celebration, guys. You deserve to have a great 2016, so make that happen. Set your own balance. Love bravely. Accept what you can’t change. Change what you can. Open up. Laugh through pain. Live.
~ Damsel
