S.R. Crawford's Blog, page 10

Wintering: how to be aligned with nature and embrace true winter energy

This year, I’m trying to do winter properly. To remember that it’s winter and so I needn’t treat the new year as an invitation to start racing towards my goals. Nature is resting and so should I.

Sinking into Winter is something I have never fully embraced. What would it even look like for me? Let’s contemplate the antithesis of wintering (the embracing of winter and alignment with nature). Summer is high masculine energy, meaning productivity and doing. It’s days filled with tasks, people, rushing and ticking things off. It’s social occasions and new experiences and not stopping until midnight. It’s being away from home.

So my winter, then, is not going to be this. It’s highest priority and theme is slowness. Maybe I’ve still got the to-do list but I allow myself to take my time with it. If I get to it, I get to it. If not, that’s okay. This is a period of slumber; rest and relaxation being the most natural and productive thing I can do for myself. To come home to myself and reflect before I get going again.

Two months of letting the snow fall atop my skin, my barren limbs accepting of the death of self that I experienced in the fall of autumn. Because a fight against winter is a refusal to accept nature’s need to rest. We are, at least we once were, a part of nature. Our brick houses and mobile phones and Google calendars are not a reason to pretend nature isn’t our kin. That the bare trees and skinny brittle bushes are our brothers and sisters. The slumbering bears and frozen frogs our neighbours. The further we disconnect from nature, the further we disconnect from the source of our souls. Our light. The world can move in a rhythm if we just stop and listen to the music.

I aim to stop and listen…

The new year does come with some pressure, especially if you’re on social media and watch highly ambitious or successful people or self-improvement channels. But there’s no need to rush! Any success you have, or any goal you have, should come with the desire for it to feel good and last, right? Therefore, taking our time and letting things unfold in a rhythm and pace that suits the season we’re in means those successes will feel better.

I dare you to hibernate a little for two months!

So this year, my goal is to move in alignment with nature and the seasons more. To have higher expectations and goals and energetic activities for summer, but be slow and gentle and rest for winter. In autumn, I’ll allow myself to ease into things, close chapters, start taking things off the to do list slowly like the falling of leaves. And in spring, I’ll start adding to the list, waking up, planning and dreaming of what I want to make manifest in the rebirth period (my birthday falls in spring so this aligns nicely, too). Maybe this has been one of my problems over the years: expecting summer energy year-round and then beating myself up for not achieving it.

Let what comes come, and what goes go. Breathe and take steps (because we have jobs and aspirations and loved ones) but don’t put all the heaviness on top by expecting it to look like summer energy.

My winter intentions

I’m going to end by listing what I want my winter to look and feel like. What I intend to do, have and feel.

The most important and new and exciting thing, for me, is this sort of magpie energy! The magpie collects items for her best and I want to do the same. I want to spend the next two months collecting ideas, inspiration, thoughts, feelings, experiences, conversations, information, and whatever else ready to use as I see fit in spring and summer. To not expect my creativity to be a full story and actively working on a novel. Instead, just collect a sentence here, paragraph there. A scene, an idea, a character, something I heard, something I learned, what if questions, and so on. Creative little nuggets to piece something together with in spring. That’s it! How nice does that sound for winter?!

Here’s the rest of my list of won’t intentions:

Read a lot Take notes of any random creative ideas but not stress about “making into something”Watch films and tv shows unapologetically Play video games See loved ones for something cosy like games night or movie night Blankets and fluffy socks all daySleeping in Messy hair Expressing my love and gratitude for the people and things I have Dreamy, contemplative journal entries Yoga with the mini heater on and big jumpers Counselling and therapy Board games

How to actually grow and be successful in 2024

The theme for 2024 for me is playfulness and calm. I want to chill the F out a bit. There’s a lot that goes into this theme, not just buzz words that can be interpreted in different ways but in terms of this post, in order to be successful in 2024, you need to bring this theme into your own worldview.

Because for me, at least, the way to grow and be successful is to change what growth and success looks like for you.

This means minimising the expectations. This means looking at things from another angle. This means seeing what you learned even from perceived “failure” and finding success in that lesson. This means bringing a playful curiosity and joy into everything you do when considering your goals and your achievements.

What this can look like

This could look like reading 15 books last year and aiming to read 16 this year. Look at that, you’re successful! You grew as a person. You progressed! It’s only one more book, I hear you say? But that one more, if you desired it, is a big deal. And your goals should be so personal that it doesn’t matter if others see their success or value or not.

I didn’t read any books I loved last year but this year I will.

I worked out irregularly last year, but this year I will make sure I do one workout a week (even if it’s just 5 mins or a dance session in my living room)

I didn’t have any exercise I liked last year, but this year I will find one I enjoy no matter how others perceive it.

I was too scared to cut my hair last year or try that new style of thrifted clothing, but this year I will even if it’s a less scary version of my original idea.

I stressed myself out my over my writing last year, but this year all I need to do is put something towards my work in progress every week – even just a sentence or some notes.

I will write even if it’s rubbish and nonsense and I will see unfinished works as practice and progress and finding all the ways my novel doesn’t work – which is good feedback and therefore a success!

Progress is progress, no matter how small. Growth is growth, no matter how small. It’s about setting personal, doable and fair goals. One’s that make you laugh at how simple they are.

Guess what? If it’s so easy, you can smash the goal and set another small one to target next!

Because the truth to success is setting small goals and achieving them then making new ones and achieving those – on and on until boom, you achieved more than you would have by setting the daunting, mammoth goal in the first place.

Or maybe you never achieve the mammoth goal at all, even with the staircase of small ones. That’s great too. That’s the point here:

Growth is growth, no matter how small

Sincerely,

S. xx

My vision for the New Year

I love new years. I’m one of those poetic and hopeful souls who places a lot of meaning on the blank calendar and sees the end of a year as a closing of a chapter. I like to plan and think in terms of seasons, months and years. It’s neat and helps things feel simpler.

However, this year didn’t quite go to plan for me; yet, it was still a good year. One full of laughter and new opportunities and achievements. The thing that makes me sad is the amount I stressed and panicked this year. My mental health wasn’t what I hoped it would be. I put pressure on myself, using the mask and voice of others. But it was all me, in truth. Expectations, shoulds, some arbitrary image and set of rules that I don’t subscribe to: I let them rule over me anyway.

Not next year. I want next year to be a fun one. I want to manifest more laughter, more friendship, more community, more love, more peace, more creation, more wonderment and exploration. All for the pure joy of it.

I don’t want to be in competition with myself or others anymore.

I want to play. I want to “waste time”. I want to do things just for the sake of it. I want to dare to do. I want to think a LOT less. I want to be more like my husband. More like the New Zealand and American Samoa people of the lovely film “Next Goal Wins”. It was the perfect last film to watch this year because it encapsulates what I want the spirit of next year to be. I don’t need to prove myself to anyone. Quite frankly, no one really cares about what I’m doing; they’re too busy with themselves. Instead, I want to set a small, fun goal like the football team in that film. I want to work with people who are having fun towards a goal, too. I want to play and create for the joy of the doing, not the product. And when too much stress and someone else’s rules comes into it, I will know that’s when I’m falling off track and have lost sight of my values.

Funnily enough, when you’re enjoying yourself, you show up more for your goals anyway!

There’s a place for everything, I know that. I love balance; it’s one of my core values. But I know I am not a balanced person. I too heavily lean towards seeking perfection and to prove something to others. I want to be the best. I want to be seen as worthy.

But I already am worthy!

I’ve got nothing left to prove. Do I want to be an author selling stories for a living? Yes. Do I want to get better at yoga and feel fitter? Yes. Do I want to see the great things in this world? Yes. Do I want more money for my freedom? Yes. Do I want to read and watch great things? Yes. But none of that should come at a cost to myself and my health. None of that should mean being someone else. None of that should mean throwing out my own values in place of someone else’s.

I know what I want. I am pretty sure I know who I am. Now’s the time to just relax into that. Let myself shine. To play, goddamn it. I’ve earned it.

So my guiding principle for next year is playfulness. To have that spirit at the heart of everything. Play + joy = calm. That is a strength. That means that when life isn’t going to plan, you can still find a way to laugh and make lemonade. That as long as I’m laughing or enjoying myself, I’m definitely doing the right thing.

I see play as an antidote for stress, anxiety and depression. Not a cure, and I’m not talking about long lasting life changing disorders here, but a way to cope with symptoms. I’ve been there. I’ve felt it heavily lately. But play pulls you out. Seeing through the lens of lightness, everything becomes less heavy and serious and scary.

Some cynical people may think that you can’t get through life on laughter and silliness. You need to be serious about your goals to achieve them. Well, I’ve tried that. All it does is stress me out and make the goal feel insurmountable. As I said, I know what I want; it’s not going anywhere. Now all I need to do is have fun on my way up that mountain.

Who said you can’t sing and dance and laugh and play on your way up? Trust me, the views will be better and the moments much brighter.

Sincerely,

S. xx

Writing Goals for 2024 – that aren’t basic

Next year, I want to look at my writing differently. I don’t want to do what I’ve tried to do years before which hasn’t quite worked.

I don’t want to set the same boring goals:

Write 100,000 wordsWrite two completed first drafts of novelsLook for an agentPublish a book Query a book

These are too basic and often some of these things are out of our hands. You could probably reach the word count and maybe complete drafts but whether they are good or not; you’re happy with them or not, isn’t really up to you. You just write it as best you can and still, it may not land right. It might not be the right novel to be a book.

Does that make it less worthy? No! Having written a novel, no matter its length or shape or genre or style, is amazing and an achievement in itself. That’s a huge thing to remember for the coming year.

Here are some other ideas for writing goals next year that are better and could take you further than the ones we usually set:

Read more widely Take myself out on creative dates – book shop, coffee shop with notebook, museum, library, art gallery, pretty park walk Analyse the films and tv shows I watch for what works and what doesn’t and what I liked Join a writing group Meet up with writing friends every other month Read in new genres Write short stories and novellas Work on multiple projects to not lose interest in one Write at a slower pace with a longer or no deadline Write online for fun New job that supports my writing career – less work stress, more time off to write etc Healthy habits that support my writing journey Write random character profiles and idea dumps for pictures on Pinterest Start tracking the story’s emotional beats, character progression, number of laughs, cries, triumphs – not words Write fan fictionShare my writing with people I love and trust more often Write about something important or painful Write a character I usually wouldn’t write Careful with my language around my writing = Call it writing practice, call myself a novelist not a writer or an author, call it a story or novel or project not a book Journal as if I am my characters Write back story scenes for fun that will never enter the actual novel Print off my stories to have a collection Create playlists for my stories Create Pinterest boards for characters and stories and settings Aim to write when the feeling hits, not force it Write small amounts and have that be enough

Ask yourself: “what does success look like for me in my writing this year?”

Another thing to consider is asking yourself what you don’t want from your writing experience this year. This is what some call an anti-vision; listing what you don’t want to see manifest for your life right now. Sometimes defining what you want can be hard but knowing what you don’t want can be just as helpful.

What’s on my anti-vision list:

Writing from a place of desperation Feeling like not actively working on a novel means I’m a failure or not a writer anymore Not letting ideas build naturally, instead forcing them Thinking about every story as a book (a product to be sold) for it to be validComparing myself to other creators Thinking I’m too stupid or boring to write something worthy Thinking I’m never going to make it just because a story isn’t “the one” or publishable

There’s a lot to think about when it comes to our goals for the new year and the last piece of advice I would give you is to think about your writing goals are inextricably linked to your life goals in other areas. Because they will influence and affect one another. If you are succeeding with your health goals, you’re more likely to succeed with your writing goals, for example.

Get clear on what you want your 2024 writing experience as a whole to be, and you will have a better more intentional approach to your writing.

Good luck and happy writing next year.

Sincerely,

S. xx

How to Choose the Right Books for You: why do you read?

This question stemmed from my mini reading rut that I’m in. I am considering DNF-ing another book and I really don’t know what I want to read next that will engage me for the length of a book.

Am I just too impatient and don’t give a book enough time to get good?

Do I even know my own reading tastes?

Am I a mood reader but my mood changes too frequently?

I don’t know!

Whether to read a book or not. Buy it or not. Finish it or not. It all may come down to this key question: why do you read?

So, why do I read?

Entertainment and escape

One of the first reasons why I read is to escape. Just like my writing, diving into another world in a way that’s more immersive than television is exciting for me. It’s therapeutic. I think I like fantasy for this reason. The chance to imagine something that’s impossible in our world. To have a whole new world brought to life. Seeing how magic can be used. It’s fun!

I also really want more books that make me laugh. I can’t remember the last time one made me laugh. One where I feel the characters are like friends, people I’m sharing a good time with.

Education

I do enjoy learning things from what I read. Not just non-fiction but books set in other countries or that tell me random cool facts. I like learning things I would have no other way of knowing. Of course, Reading also teaches you new words.

Depth and emotion

I think one of my favourite things from reading is getting deep. I love emotional rides. Deep, provocative language. Social issues, family, humanity and truth on a deep level. The human condition exploration with heart. I like caring deeply about a character and the struggle they are facing. Perhaps what I read needs to be linked to personal issues I’ve faced, too.

Relaxation

I mostly read before bed and so I find it relaxing. It’s a great way to wind down. To switch off the noise of the World. As I said before, it’s therapeutic. It’s a gentle, slower hobby.

Better as a writer

And lastly, reading is part of making me a better writer. Sort of studying the thing I’m hoping to emulate.

So what does this all mean in terms of my reading tastes? What should I be reading and what should I avoid?

The genres I’ve enjoyed in the past are:

Middle grade fantasy ThrillersContemporary dramas Adult fantasy (low-mid)Literary Translations from other languages and set in other countries Dystopians Horror Cosy low fantasy

What I need to do, and will share when I’ve done it, is go through the last few years and see my highest rated books. That way, I can analyse which genres, lengths, mood etc I like the most.

Some books may sound interesting but they’re not the kind to grip me. Or maybe it would be something I’d enjoy watching but not reading. Or would only enjoy as an audiobook, which is a different experience than reading from a book itself.

The next thing to ask yourself is what do you like in general? What makes you passionate? What are you interested in? These could be the kind of books you need to seek out.

Some things I like or am passionate about:

AnimalsPhilosophy Psychology Slower, intentional living (off the grid, no hustle city culture) Foreign languages Other cultures very different from my own, particularly some Asian cultural practices I’ve heard about (really want to go to Japan!) Writing Books Anime and animations Fandoms and pop culture Travel Yoga, meditation and spirituality Cooking and baking Witchcraft and dark magic Social justice, especially belonging and freedom of identity

Perhaps I need to spend some time getting a list together of books that feature these things. I usually look for books by genre or tropes but I’ve (perhaps stupidly) never thought to search for books about things I already have an interest in.

Things that could effect your reading tastes Book length GenreAge group/ target audience Mood (emotional, reflective, dark, light, funny, informative etc) (StoryGraph is good for this)Personality of main characters How many main characters Tense (past, present, future)Point of view narrator (first, second, third) Character driven or plot drivenFlowery literary prose or more simplisticHeavy on exposition and world building or loose Hardback, paperback, ebook or audiobook preference Line spacing, amount of words on a page, images, fonts Length of chapters / parts

Now that I think about it more deeply, there’s so much that goes into reading and what we may or may not enjoy. Sadly, especially if you’re a new reader, it will take a lot of trial and error to find what we enjoy the most. This is why tracking your reading is so important. Those stats and how you felt and defining exactly what put you off and why can help you make better reading decisions.

Good luck to us wannabe readers!

Sincerely,

S. xx

Stop Breaking Promises You’ve Made to Yourself

A youtuber I watch called Muchelle B mentioned in a video that a large part of low self-esteem and failed goals is about constantly breaking promises we make to ourselves. And since I watched that video, I’ve seen how true this is.

In the half term break from work, I said I wanted to try running a short distance everyday for my mental health (added bonus that it’s good for my physical health, too). But lo and behold, I broke that promise to myself very quickly. I edited it, by saying I’ll do Nike workouts instead, which I have done, but that’s not the point.

We can sometimes be too reckless with the things we say we’re going to do. The goals we set. The promises we make to ourselves. We may think that it’s not a big deal because we’re just saying them in our heads or our notebooks/journals but it’s a huge deal.

The promises we make to ourselves should be treated even more seriously than the promises we make to others.

We are the only people we will always be with. Our relationship with ourselves is crucial for a successful life. How can we hope to be motivated and disciplined or happy and fulfilled if we’re constantly rejecting our own wants and needs? If we’re constantly treating ourselves like we don’t matter?

My advice to you and to myself, too, is to be extra careful about what you say you’re going to do.

Solutions and reframing

What do we do instead? Here are my ideas about how to stop breaking the promises we make to ourselves.

Less goals

Don’t set a goal unless you’re absolutely sure about it. Don’t say, like I have, that you are going to eat vegetarian 4 days a week unless you’re serious and have an action plan. Don’t say you’re going to run everyday unless that’s feasible. Don’t be silly and set a running goal in winter when you know the cold and dark will be a deterrent!

It’s okay to have less goals. Small goals.

Plan it out

When you do set a goal/promise, plan it out. Don’t just say you’re doing it with no realistic plan for how. When will you do it? How? Why? What steps will you need to take? Break it down and make it simple. Don’t focus on the big goal and scare yourself. Make it so small that you can easily keep your promise in baby steps.

A large part of succeeding in our goals is in our routines. What are your habits? How can you shift your time? Where do you feel the most tired? What are you wasting time on?

Be logical. Be fair. Be kind. When we feel motivated and excited it’s easy to do things, but what’s your plan for when you’re tired after work or stressed? When you haven’t slept properly for weeks? When your mother needs something and your sister and your spouse?

Take goals seriously

We have all probably had those moments of wanting or needing to change our lives. But it happens in steps, not overnight. We need to take our goals seriously and not set them recklessly. When you set a goal, make it actionable, logical, fair, and realistic. Say, “this is important to me. This is proving that I can do what I say I can do.” Because it is. You are promising yourself something. You are saying this is part of who I am. Do you want to be known (even if only to yourself) as a letdown? As someone who doesn’t follow through? As irresponsible, reckless, flaky? Because breaking promises to others all the time would make you all those things, so the same extends to the promises we make to ourselves.

We are constantly sending signals to our brains that it’s okay not to do the things we say we’re going to do

You don’t want that.

So when you think about how you want to end 2023 or what you want to accomplish and do in 2024, don’t be reckless. Don’t keep the habit of breaking even small promises to yourself. You are always listening and learning what’s important to yourself. So make sure what you say counts.

Sincerely,

S. xx

Graduating at 28: a reflection

I already did a post about finishing university but I’d like to do an update now that I’ve graduated and it’s been 5 months since I handed in my last essay.

My graduation ceremony was perhaps the best day of my life. I’m already married (technically had two weddings!) but that wasn’t the best day of my life. I’m not traditional in that way and for me, marriage or a wedding ceremony rather, isn’t about achievement or working hard or personal accomplishment. But the graduation was and so I got that enthralling feeling of all the years of hard work accumulating in that moment.

Wearing that robe made me feel powerful for the first time in my life. People looked at me with respect and joy and congratulated me simply because I was wearing it, not knowing anything about me or my journey to get there. Uncaring of what course I took or what grade I achieved. They were just happy for me, and acknowledged my efforts.

That feeling is unparalleled.

Before graduation, though, I was a bit cynical. It’s just a piece of paper. The degree hasn’t changed me as a person. Did I waste my time over the last 4 years? What was the point? But all of that for that moment alone was wonderful. Funnily enough, I’ve dreamt of graduating since I was young. 16 year old me had her heart fulfilled yesterday. She finally got that gown and hat and hood which marked her success and triumph. Little did she know that it would take me so long to get there…

I graduated 7 years after many of my peers. Traditionally, UK students go to university from 18-21. I did go at 18 and dropped out within a week, returning home with my tail between my legs. Then I went back the next year at 19 to try again, but commuting from my family home. I managed a year before dropping out again, due to not enjoying the course itself (I chose psychology and criminology). I was going to try again, change course, but I was deterred and tired from the failures. I needed a break.

In 2016, at the age of 21-22, I decided to do open university. Except, I still didn’t take the dive until 2019. At the age of 24, I had hit a new rock bottom. My freelancing business had failed; I’d left a full time job to pursue it but it didn’t work out. I was unemployed, lonely, and still so far behind my peers.

You see, as a university dropout, I felt this overwhelming pressure to make something of myself. Fine, I wasn’t a graduate. I was instead going to be the best blogger, the best youtuber, and the best author of my age. I worked hard to make money in another way and gain acclaim outside of academia. I believed in education. I love Rory Gilmore and her passion for study and I once thought that would be me. I’d attend an aesthetically pleasing university, old architecture and passionate artsy students. But my experience wasn’t that. And that still makes me sad that this image was never realised.

So I tried to be something else of importance and acclaim to prove that I wasn’t a failure entirely.

That didn’t work out. And I failed. I did.

Failure is such a scary thing. We avoid it at all costs and hate ourselves whenever it captures us. But god, I’m proud that I failed at something. Because most people don’t even try. Many people graduate from university. And it is an achievement, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not as special and unique as it once was.

But to fail at something that’s a bit more unique, something you chased in the pursuit of the extraordinary, that’s worth something. That’s brave. That’s worthy even if no one applauds you for it.

My graduation day marked a day of success after many years of failure, is what I’m saying. I failed in academia (I didn’t fail my courses or tests, but failed to finish traditionally with my peers), and outside of academia. I was “left behind”. Now, I’ve succeeded in the traditional sense. Marked a moment on my life of public recognition and acceptance from society. I haven’t known that feeling for a very long time, and I can’t deny, it felt immense.

On my graduation day, I read JK Rowling’s book “Very Good Lives” which is her Harvard commencement speech to the graduates of 2008. It talks about the power of failure and imagination and how it will help them post-graduation and so I read it again yesterday. I’m so glad I did to remind me that my failures, like Rowling’s, are not nails in my coffin. They were the wind in my sails; the fanning of my inner flame. For some, failure is the end. They give up. But I have yet to say that’s me. And yesterday, I proved that I can come back from failure and win on a grand scale.

So what now?

When I met my siblings for a meal after my graduation, my sister asked how I felt. I said “I feel confident, like I could set fire to the rain” and it’s true. Sitting there, hearing the speeches and being surrounded by peers (though we varied in age and I didn’t know a single one of them), I felt confident. I felt sure. I felt as if I was in the right place for the first time in a long time. Like I’d made the right decision.

Anyone who struggles with self-esteem and their mental health knows we can’t trust ourselves a lot of the time. Constantly questioning our instincts and intuition. Being out of touch with our true nature. But after years of questioning, the graduation was validation. It was proof that in 2019, I made the right decision and have filled my confidence cup back up.

This can be the start of something new. No, my life hasn’t changed. I’m still me. I still have a job in a school. Still write blogs and stories. I still yo-yo with my fitness and mental health. Still unsure about the future and what I want. But I am renewed in a sense. Confident in knowing that actually I can make the right decisions. I can come back from failure and make things right. That my path doesn’t look the same as my peers and that’s a good thing. My failures have made me stronger, wiser, and one day will make me successful. My failures aren’t wounds or scars on my skin but tattoos creating a beautiful, unique canvas on my body that’s all mine.

Maybe it’s time I owned them, instead of beating myself up and opening them anew.

I don’t have much more to say than that, but watch this space. I believe that confidence, self-belief and self-trust are important. That gaining that, if nothing else, and even if not on a large scale, can be life-changing. And that’s what I have now.

Watch this space for more updates. Wish me luck on my next venture!

Sincerely,

S. xx

Graduation reflection

I already did a post about finishing university but I’d like to do an update now that I’ve graduated and it’s been 5 months since I handed in my last essay.

My graduation ceremony was perhaps the best day of my life. I’m already married (technically had two weddings!) but that wasn’t the best day of my life. I’m not traditional in that way and for me, marriage or a wedding ceremony rather, isn’t about achievement or working hard or personal accomplishment. But the graduation was and so I got that enthralling feeling of all the years of hard work accumulating in that moment.

Wearing that robe made me feel powerful for the first time in my life. People looked at me with respect and joy and congratulated me simply because I was wearing it, not knowing anything about me or my journey to get there. Uncaring of what course I took or what grade I achieved. They were just happy for me, and acknowledged my efforts.

That feeling is unparalleled.

Before graduation, though, I was a bit cynical. It’s just a piece of paper. The degree hasn’t changed me as a person. Did I waste my time over the last 4 years? What was the point? But all of that for that moment alone was wonderful. Funnily enough, I’ve dreamt of graduating since I was young. 16 year old me had her heart fulfilled yesterday. She finally got that gown and hat and hood which marked her success and triumph. Little did she know that it would take me so long to get there…

I graduated 7 years after many of my peers. Traditionally, UK students go to university from 18-21. I did go at 18 and dropped out within a week, returning home with my tail between my legs. Then I went back the next year at 19 to try again, but commuting from my family home. I managed a year before dropping out again, due to not enjoying the course itself (I chose psychology and criminology). I was going to try again, change course, but I was deterred and tired from the failures. I needed a break.

In 2016, at the age of 21-22, I decided to do open university. Except, I still didn’t take the dive until 2019. At the age of 24, I had hit a new rock bottom. My freelancing business had failed; I’d left a full time job to pursue it but it didn’t work out. I was unemployed, lonely, and still so far behind my peers.

You see, as a university dropout, I felt this overwhelming pressure to make something of myself. Fine, I wasn’t a graduate. I was instead going to be the best blogger, the best youtuber, and the best author of my age. I worked hard to make money in another way and gain acclaim outside of academia. I believed in education. I love Rory Gilmore and her passion for study and I once thought that would be me. I’d attend an aesthetically pleasing university, old architecture and passionate artsy students. But my experience wasn’t that. And that still makes me sad that this image was never realised.

So I tried to be something else of importance and acclaim to prove that I wasn’t a failure entirely.

That didn’t work out. And I failed. I did.

Failure is such a scary thing. We avoid it at all costs and hate ourselves whenever it captures us. But god, I’m proud that I failed at something. Because most people don’t even try. Many people graduate from university. And it is an achievement, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not as special and unique as it once was.

But to fail at something that’s a bit more unique, something you chased in the pursuit of the extraordinary, that’s worth something. That’s brave. That’s worthy even if no one applauds you for it.

My graduation day marked a day of success after many years of failure, is what I’m saying. I failed in academia (I didn’t fail my courses or tests, but failed to finish traditionally with my peers), and outside of academia. I was “left behind”. Now, I’ve succeeded in the traditional sense. Marked a moment on my life of public recognition and acceptance from society. I haven’t known that feeling for a very long time, and I can’t deny, it felt immense.

On my graduation day, I read JK Rowling’s book “Very Good Lives” which is her Harvard commencement speech to the graduates of 2008. It talks about the power of failure and imagination and how it will help them post-graduation and so I read it again yesterday. I’m so glad I did to remind me that my failures, like Rowling’s, are not nails in my coffin. They were the wind in my sails; the fanning of my inner flame. For some, failure is the end. They give up. But I have yet to say that’s me. And yesterday, I proved that I can come back from failure and win on a grand scale.

So what now?

When I met my siblings for a meal after my graduation, my sister asked how I felt. I said “I feel confident, like I could set fire to the rain” and it’s true. Sitting there, hearing the speeches and being surrounded by peers (though we varied in age and I didn’t know a single one of them), I felt confident. I felt sure. I felt as if I was in the right place for the first time in a long time. Like I’d made the right decision.

Anyone who struggles with self-esteem and their mental health knows we can’t trust ourselves a lot of the time. Constantly questioning our instincts and intuition. Being out of touch with our true nature. But after years of questioning, the graduation was validation. It was proof that in 2019, I made the right decision and have filled my confidence cup back up.

This can be the start of something new. No, my life hasn’t changed. I’m still me. I still have a job in a school. Still write blogs and stories. I still yo-yo with my fitness and mental health. Still unsure about the future and what I want. But I am renewed in a sense. Confident in knowing that actually I can make the right decisions. I can come back from failure and make things right. That my path doesn’t look the same as my peers and that’s a good thing. My failures have made me stronger, wiser, and one day will make me successful. My failures aren’t wounds or scars on my skin but tattoos creating a beautiful, unique canvas on my body that’s all mine.

Maybe it’s time I owned them, instead of beating myself up and opening them anew.

I don’t have much more to say than that, but watch this space. I believe that confidence, self-belief and self-trust are important. That gaining that, if nothing else, and even if not on a large scale, can be life-changing. And that’s what I have now.

Watch this space for more updates. Wish me luck on my next venture!

Sincerely,

S. xx

How to Create Actively: Redefining Success and Creative Habits

Anyone who actively follows my blog must have noticed I’ve been feeling a bit icky creatively. It’s only last week that I reminded myself that I’m not in a creative catastrophe! This is not a creative slump. I finished writing a novel’s first draft only at the end of August, just two months ago. That draft finished at 88,000 words. That’s no small feat. Perhaps, then, I am just a little creatively drained and I need to cut myself some slack and relax. The new ideas will come in time.

I think the more significant issue is the pressure of the season. I love the aesthetic of autumn and I wanted to write a lot during this season. Write something spooky or creepy or supernatural. But alas, I haven’t yet, and maybe that’s okay. There are no rules with creation. I can write a spooky story during winter, spring or summer!

With this in mind, I wanted to share a more actionable and strategic way of redefining creative success and creative habits.

What is creativity?

The Google definition of creativity is “the use of imagination or original ideas to create something; inventiveness.” This is eye-opening to me, though it’s obvious. Creativity, or creation, is not about an end product. It’s not about how many people go “OMG, you’re so amazing, you’re so creative!”. It’s the act of playing with ideas, visuals, and possibilities. Creativity, then, is not something you are or something you do, it’s HOW you do something. It’s the use of imagination and originality.

This is huge!

Someone who never writes a story, or paints a canvas, or films a video could be a creative person. Why? Because they use their imagination and unique ideas to think in new ways, act in new ways, and spread their self-expression throughout their daily lives.

What counts?

Okay, we have our definition but what counts as creativity or being creative? This list works for me, but you can add to your list for yourself.

JournalingBloggingSocial media postPoetryShort story writingNovel writingFlash fictionFan fictionSelf-led yoga flows (making it up as I go)Redecorating or rearranging the house and my environmentPaintingScene writingWriting with a promptRewriting or editing old draftsPlaying a gameDiscussing new ideas with someoneGetting ideas out in a notebook or dictaphoneCooking a new recipeCharacter buildingWorldbuildingDrawing or doodlingDancingSinging

Redefining success and goal-setting

As I mentioned in my rambly last post, if I want to succeed as a writer, I need to rethink what success looks like for me. The pressure we tend to put on our creativity when we think success is only monetising our work and/or getting lots of views or readers is toxic. It makes us not want to create anymore. It makes our work feel confined to what others expect or getting it out to some standard or timeframe. This has its place, as I know we often want to make a living with our creative work and share it with the world. However, hyperfixation on this goal as the ONLY idea of success just makes us succumb to perfectionism, paralysis, creative slumps, burnout, and even anxiety and depression.

The antidote, then, is to have a new idea of success or at least multiple ideas of success. This could look like:

A successful creative day looks like…A successful creative week looks like…A successful creative month looks like…A successful creative season/quarter looks like…A successful creative year looks like…

Breaking down goals, success, or to-dos like this helps you to have a more flexible, realistic, and appropriate idea of success. We aren’t the same each week or month. We change. Our mindsets change, energy levels, busyness, and priorities. Therefore, we have to allow room for the realism of life when setting expectations of ourselves.

You could also set goals or success metrics like this:

Dream goal – this is the big goal for your week, month, or quarter (I don’t recommend yearly goals as we often fall short thinking we have a lot of time and don’t break down the goal effectively across the year) e.g. I want to finish a first draft of a novelIdeal goal – this is the middle ground, where it’s not the easiest to obtain but not the big dream goal either e.g. I want to write X words of a novelFair goal – criteria for success that allow room for low mood, busyness, or other restrictions on your output e.g. I want to have written the beginning of a novel

Knowing yourself & setting up for success

Creative living and creation are about balancing the input and output of creativity. What you do or consume to fill your creative cup (things that make you feel creative = input) and things you do to creatively express (output). Therefore, you need to know what makes you feel creative. What makes you feel good. What are the ways to set yourself up for success so that when you do sit down to create, your cup is full?

Examples of creative input/ filling your cup:

Exercise – sorry, but it works to boost your mood, energy, dopamine, and overall health which is fundamental for creationJournallingReadingWatching good TV shows or films – not so much rewatches or reality TV or things without much creativity in themSunlight and naturePlayingArt galleryMuseumsDocumentariesDancing and singing

You may notice there is some overlap between creative output and input. This is because it depends on your desired output. If you are a writer, like me, then creative input may be painting or singing because those are creative tasks but they won’t make me get in my head about doing it well because I’m not hoping to ever be an acclaimed painter or singer. Conversely, a painter may be too critical of themselves when painting for fun and may want to try some story writing instead to fill their cup.

The other thing you need to know is your roadblocks. The things that often knock you off your creative projects.

Deadlines or time constraintsToo much free timePeople interrupting youOverplanning or plottingUnder planning or plottingSleep deprivationWork stressMessy homeToo many projects or ideas at onceLack of expertiseToo much knowledge/ expertiseNeeding to be perfectAfraid of criticismFeeling like it’s a waste if you don’t share it

Finding the time

Lastly, we must of course consider how we will even find the time for our creative work, no matter what our new definitions of success may be. This task is hard at first but once it’s done, you can finally see where and when to create.

List everything you need to do in a week: work, kids, clubs, sports, exercise, socialising, etc. Then, add up the free time between these things. Allow room for error or things popping up. Then there you have it! Free time to create!

I would then go a step further, if it helps, and literally block out this time for creative work. If you have an online calendar, put it in that so you know not to arrange anything else during that time. Put it in your diary each week or month. Have it on a sticky note. Whatever works for you!

Then stick to it!

Flexibility in routine is part of being a creative person and that’s why I said you should set goals each day, week, month, or quarter. The same goes for this routine. Edit and adjust as needed. Have a routine, but don’t be afraid to mix it up. This is the only way to find what actually works best for you.

Personally

So, with all this in mind, for me personally, I see success for my creative work right now to be:

Doing creative things every day (see list of creative things) or never missing two days in a rowUsing my weekend mornings to write or enter my creative worldsWriting for the sake of it like I did when I was a childNot caring whether my projects go unfinished or are not my best work, as long as I’m always creatingPutting words on a page (paper or screen) in any way I feel called to that dayEnding each quarter with something tangible (short story, novella, novel), even if it’s very short, very rough, or never going to be seen by anyoneNot being afraid of having multiple projects to dip in and out of throughout my month/ quarter (mood dependent)Not being scared to read old work and think of new ways to fix them; and taking small steps towards fixing them

The last one is a big one because I tend to finish novels but then I go, “actually, I’m not that into this and it’s not what I intended so I’ll have to write something else now” and I’m afraid this will become a habit. Therefore, I need to allow a finished first draft to sit for a while (3-6 months maybe) before reading with fresh eyes and mining it for what works and what doesn’t. To rewrite, revise, and refresh as needed. Or if I’m really and truly not happy and it was the wrong story, then still take elements that I liked and repurpose them for other stories.

Success needn’t be what others suspect. We can live happy, creative lives and never make a penny from our work, but still feel fulfilled from the act of doing it. Creative purposes or passions or whatever you want to call them aren’t about monetisation or acclaim or fame, though that can be nice. It’s about the doing of it anyway. And strangely, that is often what leads to the audience of followers in return anyway.

Sincerely,

S. xx

Writing goals and aspirations: do I want to be an author anymore?

I’ve been thinking about my journey as a writer lately and I’ve shared some of that already, but I want to go a bit deeper. Next year, I am not setting the goal of pursuing a good story for publishing. I don’t want to think about publishing anymore. I think I need to forget that I want to be an author. Stop aspiring for it.

Why?

This aspiration is a noose around my neck. It stops me from writing for the sake of it. Makes my creativity feel strained. Simply put, it’s too much pressure.

I could make choices in my life on the basis that I’m going to be an author one day or I can live for now and what I already have within my control. Being an author is not an aspiration that’s as simple as “just do it!” or persevere and I’ll “make it”. Yes, there’s some truth to that, but it’s not that simple at all.

I may never write something I want to share because it’s not quite right. I might want to share something but it never finds an audience or the gatekeepers of publishing never help it reach the shelves. Creativity isn’t something bottled, brewed or bought in a shop. I could study and never get better or “good enough”. I could self-publish and never make enough. There’s so many variables.

And so, maybe, because it’s something I can’t control, I have to stop aiming to be an author or sell a book or get an agent. Instead, have the goal of writing passionately and freely, and because I want to. I used to love writing and lately it’s been tough. Forced. A chore.

The question is: do I want to still love writing stories or do I want to stress myself out by trying to monetise them?

It’s a simple answer for me…

So what now?

I need to find a living that fulfils me outside of being an author so that I’m free to write because I want to and not a pressure of “having to” and escape my current life. I need to have this as a lifelong love and not something forced and strained and stressful. If I never make money from my writing, but I’m happily writing often, I will be happy… as long as I can make money doesn’t something else that I enjoy, not feeling unfulfilled at work.

It’s difficult. It is.

I don’t want to “give up” on my dream. I’ve known I’ve wanted to be an author since I learned what one was! And maybe I can be. I mean I technically am. I just won’t make a living from it, maybe, yet. And I need to be okay with that because not being a selling author and putting my life on hold for it and judging myself for not reaching it is just stress. It’s too much. It does me no good. And strangely, by not pursuing publishing, I may actually achieve it quicker because the freedom and less pressure allows for more creativity and focus and joy.

For me, perhaps, it’s time to stop thinking about my stories as a career. When I’m published or at least have an agent, that’s when the career mindset comes in but not before. Now, it’s a love, a joy, a passion, a way to find meaning and clarity. I need to stop calling it a career but it’s not a hobby either. As a hobby makes it sound like some passing unimportant thing almost (even though you can have a hobby you love). So my writing is something important, something worth my time, energy and attention, but it’s not a career or a goal and it’s not a hobby.

Some my disagree, but maybe I need to see it like having a child. Being a parent isn’t about goals and careers, and it’s not some passing hobby or activity, either. It’s a deeper, profound calling. Something you have to do from a place of instinct and it’s hard at times but you love it deeply. You show up for the child everyday out of love and meaning and joy, not career points, promotions, accolades, fame or money.

My stories are my little creative babies! It’s bringing something into the world from inside of you that didn’t exist before. And then once it’s out there, it takes a form of its own.

I’m getting metaphorical and maybe I’ve lost you, but this is what I may need. To redefine what success looks like for me. Redefine the role that writing and storytelling has in my life. Redefine what my life is going to look like in the next 5 years.

In a nutshell, I don’t want to waste any more time thinking and worrying about all the things I can’t do, have no control over, haven’t the tools to do, or don’t have in comparison to others. I’ve shifted my mindset about travel this year and I feel happier because of it. It’s time to do the same with my writing and how I make a living.

In answer to the original question, do I want to be an author anymore? Yes, I do. I would love to have an audience of people who love my work. I’d love to write stories for a living and enjoy the process and connect with other storytellers. But I also know I have little control over that part. I can write the stories, I can share them, I can make them better, I can try to get an agent or I can self-publish but I have no control over how much money flows my way. And I don’t have the privilege to not care about money at all. So I need to make a living happily elsewhere, for now, so the pressure to make money from writing isn’t as heavy. I can write freely and with joy and only try to sell stories that I genuinely feel need to be shared in that way, not writing them with the goal of monetisation. It’s a subtle change but it makes a big difference.

We’ll see. I change my mind a lot so I may disagree with this post in a few months. But this is where I’m at right now. If you’re on a similar journey, you’re not alone in the fear and worry and stress of the process. Maybe we can shift our mindset and reconnect with our inner creator.

Sincerely,

S. xx