S.R. Crawford's Blog, page 14

Burn out and a spring reset

I am burnt out. This means feeling tired, fatigued, low mood, exhausted, ruminating, worrying, unfocused, unmotivated. My last year of university has been difficult and trying to progress in my work has added to the pressure. On top of that, I’ve been overthinking about my age and what it means for me. 28 is a big deal and it comes with a lot of societal expectations and pressures. Things I want to ignore but can’t seem to find a way to do so.

So yeah, it’s been a lot. But luckily, working in a school in England means I get two weeks off for Easter break and I’m taking this time for a “spring reset”. Spring clean my mind as well as my environment. Start anew and get back on track. Back to myself…

Here is how I’m having a spring reset:

Spring cleaning / deep cleaning my home: dust the corners, scrub the surfaces, get rid of the excessDeclutter my clothesBooked a counselling appointment Getting my hair done MassageSpa Time with loved onesYoga every day habit restored Catching up on important tasks (university reading) so I’m not panicking by being behind Get back to prioritising cleaner foods Eyebrows done Organise myself: calendar, diary, bullet journal to know what’s happening and when so I can stay on top of things Birthday celebrations Journal every day to empty the mind Do something funDay tripDance and sing Finish a book Get back to my running (or at least high heat rate cardio in my week)Revisiting and restructuring my finances so my goals can be attainable Evaluating my goals and intentions for the year / revisiting my values and belief systems

Sincerely,

S. xx

What Causes Indecision?

One of the things I’ve been wrestling with lately is indecision. That’s it in a nutshell. Full of options and lacking the clarity or confidence to know which path to walk.

Indecision leads to paralysis; decision fatigue and analysis paralysis from thinking too much and not taking action. It’s draining. It feels physically painful at times, too.

What leads to indecision?Overanalysing your options

This is what I’ve been doing. I’ve done many pros and cons lists. I’ve done spreadsheets. I’ve done notion pages. I’ve spoken to family and friends. And yet I still feel unsure and afraid. This over-analysis leads to fatigue and not seeing clearly. It’s like staring so intensely at a dot on a page that you miss the bigger picture and the other options around you. Or you consider too many things that it all gets jumbled up and overwhelming, over complicating things unnecessarily.

Not trusting yourself

If you are struggling to make a decision, it’s often because you don’t trust yourself to make the right decision. I know this is true for me. I feel like I can screw up my life at any moment with the wrong choice! This causes paralysis. It’s sad to not trust ourselves. We need to realise that we aren’t psychic and we can’t know for sure if something will work out so at some point, we have to take a leap and trust our first instinct.

Letting external factors make your decisions

Sometimes indecision comes down to trusting other people more than yourself. Or asking so many people that you have conflicting advice to wrestle with. Getting advice isn’t a bad thing, in fact it can help sway you a lot. However, the decision in the end needs to be yours otherwise you’ll blame other people for what’s happened or never build trust with yourself. The problem with advice is you (the person giving the advice) never need to suffer the consequences and you don’t know what it’s like to be the person asking for advice (even if your circumstances are similar). So at the end of the day, the person giving you advice can’t be the one to choose for you.

Not knowing yourself well enough

Sometimes it comes down to not knowing what we truly want. Not knowing ourselves and our values enough to know what would be the best choice for us. When you really know yourself and you know what you want, making decisions shouldn’t be too difficult because you know whether something aligns with your needs, beliefs, or desires or not.

Fear of failure or mistakes

This is a big one that leads to indecision. Being scared of what will happen if things don’t work out is normal. I’m facing that at the moment.

What if I leap and I lose the comfort I had and hate what I leapt into? What if it was a mistake?

It’s truly difficult and the reality is that it sucks. However, we must remember that we are not trees. In most situations, we can fix a mistake. Changed jobs and you hate it? Maybe you can go back to your old one, provided you didn’t burn bridges and your position hasn’t been filled. You can look for another job. You can speak to your new employer about your struggles to see what can be done. Not much will equal the end of the world or a no going back situation. It will be tough. It was sting. But the strong will prevail and at least you can say you were brave enough to try and that means something way more than “failure” ever will.

Lessons learned are not mistakes.

Not trusting that you can handle hard things

Lastly, indecision can come from not trusting your abilities. This is a big one for me. For some reason, I have a very real belief that I can’t do hard things. That everyone else is braver, smarter, and more experienced than I am. I can’t do a job with high responsibilities. I can’t publish a book. I can’t raise a child! But I’ve done things before that I thought I couldn’t do, so who’s to say I can’t do hard things? I’ve literally proven to myself time and again that I can. And you can too.

Sincerely,

S. xx

How to have a healthy lifestyle not just a checklist of habits

I was listening to Oprah Winfrey’s book this morning, The Wisdom of Sundays, which are conversations taken from her Super Soul Sundays show. In it, she spoke to Eckhart Tolle (the author of A New Earth and The Power of Now) and asked if he has a spiritual practice and if he meditates. He said not really. And this surprised me. He then said that some people meditate for 20 minutes, get up, rush through their day, and lack presence/awareness. This goes against the point of meditation.

This all led me to think how true this is and how it highlights a big problem many of us may face. The trouble is we are quite good at doing the things we know are good for us or might be healthy habits, but they’ve become a tick-box exercise and not a lifestyle. Something to do, not something to embody.

Meditating every day for 20 minutes is amazing. I know I’ve never been able to keep that up. Go you if you have! But as Eckhart said, if you don’t carry that same awareness and presence and stillness into your daily life, what’s the point? It may make you feel calm and reconnected for the time you’re doing it, and briefly after, but like all things, it is fleeting. It won’t last. Instead, it is more powerful to scrap the active meditation but ensure throughout your day that you do breathwork, slow down, be present and intentional, and actively listen or engage with your day.

This comes down to a meditation practice versus a meditative lifestyle. Doing something versus actively engaging with how that thing feels and what it means on a wider scale.

How to have a meditative lifestyleWhen brushing your teeth, just brush your teeth…nothing elseWhen showering or washing, focus on the water, the smells, the feeling, and nothing elseDrink your tea/coffee…and that’s allTake a walk without listening to music or an audiobook and feel the ground beneath you, the wind, the sounds of birdsBe in nature oftenDo breathwork: actively count and concentrate on your breath while at work or commutingRead a physical book and nothing else; immerse yourself in another worldListen when people talk, don’t just wait to respond

Let’s take another one: working out. How often do you do the awesome gym session or the run or the YouTube workouts but then go back to your sedentary lifestyle afterward? We can all be guilty of it because, in today’s world, a lot of us work on computers. This involves sitting for long periods of the day. However, we needn’t accept this as a fact we can’t change. We can stop having exercise as a tick-box activity and begin, like with meditation, cultivating an active lifestyle that goes a long way.

How to have an active lifestyleTake mini breaks regularly at work, maybe every hour, where you get up, stretch, walk, make a cup of tea etcDo stretches and exercises at your desk: neck rolls, shoulder squeezes, relax your jaw, eagle arms, sitting cat-cowWalk to work if you canWalks on your break timesWhen you go to the toilet or kitchen at work, do some squats or something while the kettle boils!Go on long walks in your free timeTake the stairsOffer to be the person who gets things or takes things around the officeDo mini exercises between gym sessions and throughout the day, like pulling your arms back actively to strengthen the back, pretend rowing, calf raises etc (can find these online easily)

The last one I’ll point out is doctors or healthcare appointments. Some people are great at getting a massage for their back and shoulder tension, or the dentist to ensure their teeth are in great shape, or going to see a counsellor to unravel the mind but between those appointments, are nasty to themselves! Do you really care about your health if you are inactive, eat horrible foods, eat sweets, talk terribly to yourself, or have poor posture? Again, I’m not being mean because I’m the same! But going to the doctors or regularly seeing other healthcare professionals isn’t enough. We need prevention activities over cures. We need a healthier lifestyle so that the doctor is less necessary. So that you are being your own doctor, at times! (Not saying don’t go to the doctor, of course!)

How to have a generally healthier lifestyleEnsure you get your 5 a day (at least)Decrease processed food consumption (I’m learning about this and trying my best, it’s about education and trialing things)Get 8 hours of sleep where possible (oh sleep, you beautiful b*stard who eludes me! again, I’m working on this)Pay attention to your posture and form; sit up straight, correct your neckSet up your desk space to be as ergonomic as possible to avoid injury and strainTake breaks more regularly (mini breaks of a few minutes go a LONG way for eye health, upper body, legs, posture, wrists, mood…)Journal to support yourself, pay attention to the inner dialogue of your mind and be active about it – CBT yourself, don’t just rely on your counsellor to do itDrink enough water for your activity levelsWalk more in generalStretch more in generalAllow quiet, still times when you don’t expect anything from yourselfAsk for help and support, delegate, and don’t overload yourself

This just scratches the surface. It’s something I invite you to think about for your own life, so you can think about taking your healthy habits to the next level by ensuring it filters into your everyday life in more ways. Don’t just tick a box and then forget to incorporate the same ideas or intentions into your everyday actions.

Good luck!

Sincerely,

S. xx

Writing Podcast Ep 2: How We Write

In today’s episode, we are discussing the different ways three writers write. Everyone is different, that’s what makes writing so special!

Click to play!

Find us on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and Pocket Casts to subscribe for more like this (more episodes available there).

Be specific with your words when defining what you want

Words hold a lot of meaning but a lot of that meaning is personal. Yes, there is a dictionary definition for most words but how we understand them can be influenced by culture, upbringing, change, the times we live in, and context.

I thought about this today because I was saying to myself that I want four things for my life: to be rich, creative, strong and at peace. Simple, right? Wrong!

Rich isn’t a set amount of money. You can also be abstract and playful with the idea and say rich in love or rich in personality etc. I meant the financial aspect because I know that having money grants freedom, freedom I wish I had. So someone may read or hear me saying I wish to be rich and turn up their nose like “all you care about is money?” or think that I’m chasing all the money in the world and a fancy mansion.

I am not (though I wouldn’t turn it away!)

The same with being strong. This could be physically, mentally, figuratively. Strong willed. Strong spirit. Strength is subjective, too. One person’s strong is lifting 90kg weights; another person’s is running a marathon; while another person’s is the ability to walk away from a toxic relationship.

My point is, it’s important to define what we want and what matters to us, like I try to do often, but it’s even more important to be specific and explicit about it (for ourselves).

What does it actually look like in practice to be the things you want to be? Do the things you want to do? Have the things you want to have? Visualise it and define it as if you’re telling a story or painting a picture.

Doing this helps us to get realistic. To see a full image and therefore know what we want clearly and take action. You want to be strong? Great! But what does strength look like for you? How are you going to obtain that over the years?

Define a set number, place, item, word count, time, person, whatever for clarity on your goals and intentions.

It’s crucial to get to know yourself. To know your why. To seek the truth of what you want and what it really means for you. We’re all on unique paths in life so don’t let poor word choice or worse flimsy goals set you back! You got this!

Sincerely,

S. xx

Writing Podcast Ep 1: Why We Write

My best friend and fellow writer Charlene Antrobus and I have started a podcast called Don’t Quit Your Daydream! You can find it on Spotify, Pocket Casts, and Apple Podcasts. Here is episode one where we talk all about why we write and why we wanted to do this podcast in the first place.

Click to play!

Advice from a tattoo artist

In the summer of 2016, I decided to get a tattoo and dye my hair red on the same day. Bold moves! As I was getting my tattoo done, I spoke with the tattoo artist, as you do. I told him I was nervous about dyeing my hair. And he said something that has sat with me for years since:

It’s just hair!

Why do I find this so profound? Why has it stayed with me all this time? Because it’s so damn true and yet people like me worry so much about every little thing when in actuality…it’s just hair!

This statement is beautiful because it gives you the freedom and power to move past niggling little worries. How often do we stress ourselves out and worry over minor things like hair? It’s laughable. Yes, I know that hair has a huge effect on our confidence. A lousy hairstyle or cut can truly make you feel shoddy. But hair grows back (mostly). You can remove the dye. You can, essentially, undo the mistake if it ends up being one.

This statement, for me, is permission to just do the thing you’re scared of. If it’s something that can be undone or changed, why waste so much time fretting over it? If it’s something you are intrigued by or want or need to do then free yourself from worry and just do it! It’s just hair. It’s just clothes. It’s just a holiday. It’s just a car. It’s just a tattoo. It’s just a YouTube channel.

Again, please don’t misunderstand or think me reckless now! I am not. But I am actively trying to free myself from needless worry. Worry that could be (and usually is) wasted time. Better to do the thing, get the information on whether it works or not, and then move on. Life can be experimental like this. You gain confidence and trust in yourself by being less indecisive and fearful of every decision.

Try something, gain feedback, learn and grow.

For the big things, of course, don’t go crazy. Thinking things through is needed. It’s important. And you must 100% think things through for the things you cannot change, like having a baby! Anything involving a lot of money, or completely changing everything about your life or self needs thinking about. You need to plan. But if it’s something you can substitute into this tattoo artist’s statement, “It’s just X”, then go for it! For as the old, cliched adage goes: life’s too short.

(By the way, I loved the tattoo and the red hair and I had no regrets!)

Sincerely,

S. xx

The problem with reviewing art (films, tv, books)

Lately I’ve been trying to review the things I watch and read more than I used to. Why? Because it encourages me to engage more critically and closely with these things. To consume with a keen eye. This in turn helps me develop my own writing and my own tastes.

However, I’ve noticed how difficult this is to do! Reviews are kind of…shoddy? Subjective. Nuanced. Open to interpretation. Pointless in a way?

Here’s my problem with reviewing films, tv shows and books.

Time and perspective

The time that you watch or read something matters. Are you watching or reading it close to its publication/release or long after? This will effect how you interpret and understand it. Something like Harry Potter had great CGI at the time but would be considered poor quality and this effect one’s viewing for the first time now.

But I also mean time after you’ve watched something. I’ve found that writing or verbally sharing a review of something I’ve literally just watched or read will be different to waiting to review it after say a week. In that time, you’ve gained some perspective. Maybe you remember more elements. Maybe you’ve spoken about it with others who have shifted your view. Maybe once the excitement has died down, you’re left with the bare bones and you can look at it more objectively. Which feeling is right? The initial reaction or the one afterwards?

This will all effect what you ultimately think of the work without anything about the work itself having changed.

Comparison

We are all guilty of consciously or subconsciously comparing pieces of work to others of it’s kind. It helps us to categorise and understand. As soon as I started Red Rising by Pierce Brown I thought “this is like Percy Jackson meets The Hunger Games!”

However, doing this takes away from what the work is on its own. It should stand by itself and be criticised and reviewed for its own merit, not how it compares to other films or books of its genre or release date.

I found myself comparing Babylon and The Fabelmans because they released around the same time in the UK and they’re both films about making films. But they are very different. They have different aims and arguably different audiences. Why can’t they both be great for their own reasons without even comparing at all?

All comparison really does is ask “which is better?”, which isn’t always useful in deciding something about the art in and of itself.

Subjectivity

Subjectivity is of course the main reason why reviews are problematic. Sadly, some people don’t consider how everything is subjective (a matter of opinion and one’s point of view). We can only ever review art from a subjective stance. Even if we started looking at it from a technical standpoint, to deem something good or bad will always be subjective because what someone thinks is technically good or conventionally appropriate can differ to someone else. Industry experts say different things all the time, thus proving there is no objective, expert opinion.

Authority

Which leads me on nicely to my next point, who has the authority to deem something good or bad? There are people’s opinions who seem to matter more or be held more highly than others. If Steven Spielberg says a film is good, you’re going to agree! The same for Neil Gaiman for literature. But they are still human beings with opinions and tastes that will effect what they perceive.

They’re just like the rest of us.

The same is true for the art itself. Just because it was created by or features someone of prestige and authority doesn’t mean it’s good! Sadly, certain actors or writers carry more weight than others but again, we should be able to look past these big names and see and critique the work for what it is and what it does for itself, only.

I’m still going to review things now and then, especially if I have something burning to say, but I guess I’m just rethinking this need. Maybe I should review for myself and not put it online. The last thing I want to do is unknowingly tear down someone’s work just because I didn’t enjoy it. Or invite people to argue with me because I did enjoy something. Let’s all enjoy what we enjoy and ask ourselves why when we don’t and maybe that’s just that?

Be careful of what you state as fact when it is in fact an opinion.

Sincerely,

S. xx

Our 8th anniversary as a partnership

I have a weird relationship with anniversaries. Logically, I see that they are a means of simply celebrating our partners (when we should do that regardless of the date). But there’s also the sentimental part of me who loves meaning and connection and stories. Anniversaries are stories.

We officially became a couple in the most teen way possible! Embarrassing a little but also so sweet and innocent. It meant so much to me at the time, and even now, as someone who didn’t feel seen or truly loved by anyone else. Anyone who wasn’t born having to love me. That he saw me, and continued to look and see, is astounding to me. I still ask him, “why do you love me?” And this incredible man has an answer every time. Sure, it’s sometimes the same. But that’s okay. He does, of course, love me for all the same or similar reasons as the first time I asked. His vocabulary and how we communicate with one another has grown more articulate over time, and so the words may change, but in general, it always means the same thing.

I love you because I love what I see in you. I love what we see together when we gaze at the world. I love that you chose this journey with me.

Eight years is no short time. For some, our relationship was only made real this year, the year we got married. But you’ve always been there. A part of the furniture. And I don’t say that in a negative way, as if your presence is small and unnoticed. To the contrary, your presence is grand. You are my home. And you know me, home is my favourite place to be.

We past the dreaded 7 year slump without slumping much! We’ve gotten fat together and fit together. Cried together and laughed together. Said things we didn’t mean and tried to mend those wounds with bandages of apologies. We’ve learned and memorised every nook and cranny within and outside of one another. We breathe the same air and give each other life.

But I respect and value the space we give each other too. We know that to soar means blowing air into each other’s sails and letting the other explore, even if they feel far away at times. We trust that we’ll always anchor at the same harbour. We are each other’s lighthouse.

Metaphors aside, I love my husband. I love that he is my husband even though I don’t feel old enough or capable enough to be a married woman! I am so effing proud of him and us and all we’ve withstood together. I hope we continue to look and see the same things as one another. Shared values and mutual respect. Trust and connection. Faith. I feel both held and free by you, my husband, and that’s the most important feeling in the world.

Happy anniversary, my star

Sincerely,

Your wife xx

Retreating

I feel this need, this sense of urgency to retreat inward. To go off the grid and be solo for a while. Not to post. Not to share. Not to outwardly be working on something. Not to be defined by, and have my time dictated by, grades and essays. Not to be working on the next book, but instead stories and pieces that have no meaning other than coming from my mind and settling on a page (however messily they come).

I find that I watch and read things and I think “I want to write about” insert time period that thing us set in, or type of magic, or world or character archetype. The pulling of my creative mind this way and that shows I’m too easily influenced by the outside world at the moment. It’s worrying. It’s deeply disappointing. I want my ideas and motivations to be unique, authentic, personal, not brought on by the last thing I watched or read. I’m not saying I need to be original in my writing entirely – that’s very difficult these days – but I needn’t be so rigorously pulled so often to mimic what I consume.

The same is true for my life goals and personal life. My sister is going away? I want to go away! My best friend has a new job? I deserve a new job! My colleague got promoted or a good grade? What about me?

It all comes back to a lack of focus. That my attention is too easily absorbed by everything else around me. Like curtains hanging in the living room, all the scents in the house seeping into the fabric without anyone’s notice.

I must practice noticing. Witnessing. Tailor my gaze towards what’s happening here and now and most importantly, what’s happening within. When you’re laser focused on your own goals, joy, and soul, you don’t let in the motivations and wants and needs of others. I’m not saying I must overcorrect and become selfish. That’s just as toxic. Instead, be selective. Recognising what and who is for me, serving me, important to me, and what’s not. Right now, the lines are blurred and confused.

I don’t know how I will get this needed retreat. I’ve deleted social media this month but I feel drawn back to post my content. Gotta stay relevant, lest people forget you, right? I’ve unfollowed accounts that trigger defensive emotions or anger and sadness in me. I’m journaling a lot to attune my focus and explore my mind. I’m doing yoga everyday which feels immense as usual. I’m having tough conversations. I’m reading Brene Brown again to support the inner complexities of my mind.

Spiritual connection. Depth. Selfhood. Understanding. Clarity. Simplicity. Decluttering. Breaking free. This is what I seek. What I thirst for. Here’s hoping I get it.