S.R. Crawford's Blog, page 13

How to master yourself and your life

The secret to mastering yourself and your life is two things: routine and consistency alongside adaptation and flexibility. You may be thinking that these are two contrasting things! Well, it’s because you need different things and different times and the secret third ingredient to success which is self-awareness/conscious attention.

I love simplifying things. Self-mastery is complicated with all the small details but it’s also very subjective and personal. Depends what you want to master within yourself and your life, right? Well, that’s why I love this simpler idea. All of us, no matter our goals, need routines/consistency and adaptation/flexibility to succeed and master areas of our lives.

Let’s discuss…

Routines and consistency

If you want to be strong or fast (athletic and fit), you can’t work out irregularly. You can’t go hard one month then veg out on the sofa the next. That may look like balance but the real word for it is a lack of discipline and routine!

To truly succeed at something, you need to be consistent. Now, don’t get me wrong here, I don’t mean you need to go hard every single day. Absolutely not. But it does mean showing up for yourself and your goals in one way or another as regularly as possible in a way that’s healthy and sustainable.

Key word here is sustainable. You probably won’t sustain going to the gym 2x a day every day. Yes, that would make you very buff but it would also exhaust you and cause burn out. Instead, you could have the routine of going to the gym 2-3 times a week. Or to workout in different ways 5 times a week, accepting that you may do 30 mins one day, 1hr another day, 10 mins another.

Which brings me to the next part…

Adaptation and flexibility

The key second ingredient is one I think most people slip up on and one in truly embracing this year. Adaptability. We need to have routines and habits and consistency but we also need to recognise when to adapt. When to make adjustments. When to be flexible and how to be flexible in a productive and healthy way, not in a way that’s enabling excuses and giving up.

You need to be able to bounce back from setbacks. Be resilient and adapt. You couldn’t run this morning? Okay, let’s walk this evening. Couldn’t write 1,000 words? Okay, let’s write 250 words. We need to accept that we are all human. We have good days and bad days. Days when we’re tired or burned out and need to genuinely rest.

Again, it’s about what you genuinely need. It’s about honesty. It’s about recognising that your goal that you originally set isn’t working for whatever reason so you need to adapt it.

For example, I set a goal to write 50,000 words of my novel before our schools went on summer holiday. At the time, that meant writing 10k a week while working. I started off strong but I was getting tired. I needed a break so I took a week off. I accepted this and still felt productive because I had already set three goals: a simple goal, a medium/realistic goal, and a dream goal. The 50k words was the dream goal. I easily smashed the simple goal, and even with taking the break, I felt comfortable that I would hit the realistic goal. And I did. I adapted to my needs and benefitted from the break, came back to it and hit the 40k before the schools broke up.

I have been successful whilst being flexible and compassionate towards myself.

Self-awareness and conscious attention

This brings me to my last secret ingredient. None of the above works well without self-awareness and attention. You need to pay attention to where you always slip up. What your triggers are. Who or what holds you back. What your consistent excuses are. Where you want to give in.

It means paying attention to and learning from your mistakes.

For example, I have failed to maintain a running habit. For years now, I’ve wanted one, but I never keep it up. This is because I do it and I’m like “I’ll run 5ks twice a week” or “I can do 10k so I will do one every month”. It becomes about doing X or achieving Y and comparing myself to my husband who is a running beast!!

Instead, I need to know my pitfalls:

Too hot outsideToo cold outsideHaven’t eaten a little before I goHaven’t stretched properly Muscles are already aching from previous work outsNo music to accompany meWorrying about the speed or time limits

Knowing these things about myself helps me to curate ways to succeed in my running practice. Even that word: practice. That helps relieve the pressure of needing to be perfect or smash goals every time. Just show up, whether it’s for a 2k or a 5k or more. Whatever your mind and body can do that day, that’s what needs to be done. So my new plan is to build a running practice, that’s all. Not about a certain time or distance, just to be consistent. To put on my trainers and go outside for some time and move my legs quickly! Once a week, that’s it.

The same is with the gym. I just never want to go and finally this year I’m accepting that! The gym is so glorified but it’s not the only place to get fit. Plenty of fit people don’t attend the gym. It’s about adapting and accepting and being attentive to what actually makes you want to work out (or whatever else).

Ask yourself what would make doing the things you want to do enjoyable, simpler, and appropriately challenging for you personally. Silence the noise around you. If your challenging but enjoyable and sustainable workouts are long walks with your dog and an audiobook, brilliant! Very healthy! If it’s the gym three times a week, go you. If it’s rock climbing or yoga or swimming or a sport or dancing, brill.

Your awareness of what brings your joy and fulfilment is gold for ensuring you are consistent and keep to routines.

You need to know when and how you work out best. When and how you work best. When and how you socialise best. When and how you make the best decisions. Knowing this and using that information will transform your routines and allow you to adapt and be flexible actively to still achieve goals but in a realistic way.

This balance is how you master your life once and for all. Knowing which routines work best for you to optimise your time. Knowing what you do when you are feeling lower and how to adapt to still succeed in some way. And most importantly, to know yourself well enough to inform your decisions on goals and relationships and careers and hobbies and the like.

Know when to stick to a routine and be consistent.

Know when to adapt and be flexible with your goals and expectations.

Know yourself well, and you will master your life.

Sincerely,

S. xx

50 reasons why you should read more

It’s funThe book is nearly always better than the film or tv version Evokes empathy in youImproved vocabulary Cultural knowledge Travel the world through books Helps relaxationHelps with sleep Books are cool these days (check booktok!)Travel back in timeTravel forward in timeLearn new thingsThere’s a genre for everyone There’s a format for everyone (reading has never been to accessible; audio, ebook, graphic novels, comics, manga etc) EscapismGentle productivity Improves your writing ability Could make you better at your job Bookshelves with books on are pretty!Improve your spelling Exercise for your brain Books include research and facts more so than things you read online Embrace a slower living lifestyle for peace Use your imagination Connect with your inner child Explore hard topics Learn about social issues Helps you feel less alone (the characters can feel like friends when we’ll written)Something to talk to others aboutYou can lend books to friends and family and make recommendations Inspires creativity Helps you to be a storyteller Helps you to understand yourself better Can be fundamental on your journey to self healing Make friends with people who like the same books as you It makes you feel smartIt’s a quiet hobby You can read anywhereEntertain yourself while commuting or travelling Sharpen your mind It’s a cheap hobby (some are free or only 99p!) You can experience things you never would in real life You can quote things and sound really intelligent Live your life as a learner, an autodidact Explore different points of view on different topics Support your ideas with well-researched evidence from books Connect with people deeply by reading together, especially your children or younger family members Helps you to make decisions better Learn about what you like and don’t like Because I said so!

Now go read!

I’m only joking but I do wish more people were readers. You don’t need to read a lot or often. You don’t need to read a certain type of book. You don’t need to tell anyone about it. You don’t need to set goals and analyse and take it seriously like some do. But reading has so many benefits and I think it’s a beautiful way to engage with the world around us in a gentle and intellectual and empathic way.

Let me know what your favourite reads are in the comments.

Sincerely,

S. xx

What to do when you don’t feel like writing

This post is for anyone struggling to write. I’ve felt that a little this week after very successful weeks previously. Therefore, I feel called to make some adjustments.

Firstly, here are some reasons why you may not want to write right now:

You’re burnt out You don’t know the plot of your story or the characters well enoughYou don’t have a routine or habit builtYou are getting distracted You’re being too hard on yourself You don’t actually want to be a writer, you just thought you didYou give up when things get hardYou don’t read enough so struggle to craft a storyYou’re disconnected from yourself right now

Here are the ways to combat these issues and get back to your writing…

Take a break

The first thing I am doing to get back into writing is take a break from it. Some may feel this is counterproductive, but sometimes a break is the most productive thing you can do. A break allows your brain to recover, it allows you time to think, and it’s just a breath of fresh air that can sometimes be the reset you desperately needed.

However, the key here is to be intentional about your break. Don’t allow it to become an excuse or accidentally last forever and you never get back into things! I have one full week left at work before the 6 week summer holidays (thank God!) and so I’m taking this last full week off as a break. If I want to write a bit, sure, I’m going to, but I’m not forcing it. So my set break from my writing is one week and the conditions are that I can work on the characters, story, and world but I’m not going to force myself to add to my manuscript. It’s clear and has a deadline.

You can also do mini breaks. Like instead of writing for hours, do writing sprints (15-25 mins) and take breaks in between where you do something completely different.

You can’t think yourself into fixing it. You can’t keep pushing forever. Sometimes, a break is what you need so give it to yourself.

Health first

I always put my health first. How can we expect to show up as writers or even functioning human beings if we aren’t looking after ourselves? Just like taking a break, sometimes the most productive thing you can do for your writing is to look after yourself. Because your writing is a part of you.

Take note of your eating habits and adjust accordingly (I am trialing a part-time vegetarian diet for a few months)Are you exercising enough? – 20 mins a day in whatever way you find enjoyable can be enoughIs your home clean and tidy? Do you feel good in your space?Are you drinking enough water?Do you get enough sleep? – start a routine of going to bed at the same time every night and read, journal or meditate to declutter the mind and do something relaxingHow are your relationships? Do you feel joy in the presence of the people you send the most time with?

Routine and habits

This may mean you change up a routine you already have or work hard to create a new one. I need to change mine. At the moment, I wake up at 6am so I have extra time to be able to do one writing sprint (25 mins) before walking to work. I do my workout or yoga after work and then fit in another writing sprint or two. This allows me to ensure I write every day. Even if I’m tired after work, I know my writing is done for the day in the morning.

However, this may have caused my burnout. Okay, that’s fine. As I said above, health comes first. So I am adjusting. I’m not forcing myself to get up at 6am or if I do, I am asking myself “what would I like to do before work?” I have other habits that are important to me and set me up for a healthy, happy day. So I can do yoga in the morning or read or meditate. This sets me up for a positive day, and will hopefully have me feeling good. Never wasted time.

If you don’t yet have a routine, that’s a little harder but not impossible to build. It’s about knowing yourself, making time, and being disciplined. Showing up for yourself again and again until it becomes second nature.

All you need to set up a new routine is:

Brain dump your time and commitments at the moment: work, kids, dinner, work outs, studies, content creation etc.Prioritise your to-do listSlot in a time for writing (how long do you want to write for and when)Tell others so they don’t disturb or commit to this time: put it in your calendar, set a timer, have remindersKeep showing upAdjust if necessary after feedback but don’t stop

Remove distractions

Expanding on a brief point above, in order to get back into your writing, you may need to remove distactions. I know that this past week I was distracted by Pinterest and second hand clothes shopping on Vinted! Hey, I’m human. When you are faced with doing something hard, your mind is great at looking for ways out. This could be a tempting TV show, an app on your phone, friends or family, cleaning or tidying when you don’t need to right now, or doing another round of notes when you know you’re good to go but you’re just avoiding it. It’s natural to do this. However, it’s about having the awareness to recognise what you’re doing and stop it.

I’ve deleted Pinterest from my phone. I already have Instagram deleted and never had Twitter or Facebook anyway. I’m reducing my TV time (more so I can connect with my partner, but it also helps me focus on my writing). What is stealing your attention right now? How can you steal it back?

Be ruthless with yourself and choose your writing, not the distactions that get you nowhere.

Set smaller goals

Another big one for me is to minimise my goals. I started writing my current novel on the 17th June. I have written just over 35,000 words in that time. I’m very pleased with that as I’ve also kept my other habits, had fun, had days off, worked full time, written other things, and maintained relationships. I set three goals going into this: to reach 25,000 before the summer break (my realistic and kind goal); reach 40,000 before the summer break (mid-level but challenging goal); 50,000 before summer (dream goal). The way I was going, I was set to reach my dream goal and how amazing is that?! However, I am embracing the 40,000 now instead.

It’s okay to adjust and reset your goals. It doesn’t mean you’re giving up or being weak. It means you’re adjusting and adapting to your life. I’m tired. I’ve clearly burnt out. So to push towards the 50k would be illogical. It taking the fun out of it, too. Instead, 40k is a very respectable goal and achievement that I will most certainly reach. I’ll be going into the summer beak with a signifcant amount done either way.

What matters is that you’re writing, not how much or how quickly.

If you have a goal to write 2k a day, make it 1k instead. If it’s 1k, make it 500. If you want your book written in 3 months, make it 5 months. You are in control of your goals, adjust as needed.

And a nice little aside: you often write more than you intended, anyway, so the smaller goal just makes it easier to show up and trick your brain!

Make it fun

Writing can become tedious. It can be a chore. Even if you love it, it can feel like something you have to do rather than something you want to do once you “take it seriously” or set goals and dedlines. I already have a full time job that I have to do, I don’t want my writing to feel that way. The only way to avoid this is to make it fun.

Listen to fun music while your writeWrite from diffrent locations at times (around the house, the library, coffee shops, gardens, friends’ houses)Go on a writing retreat (ours is booked for August!)Talk about your story with people around youDraw your characters or find images of them and the world on Pintrest (don’t slip into the trap of procrastination though)Set yourself fun challenges “how much can I write in 10 mins?!”Dress up in an outfit that aligns with your storyUse immersive writing sessions on YouTube that inspire you (Abbie Emmons has lots)

Sit in the world with the characters

When you really can’t write, make time to at least sit with the world and the characters. This means sitting with your notebook and diving deeper. The way to go deeper is to ask yourself and your characters questions:

What does your villain really want and why?Why this hero/protagonist and not someone else?Why does your protagonise believe what they believe about the world and their life?What was their upbringing like?Was the magic always used in this way?How would people live if magic didn’t exist?Why does your protagonist fall for their romantic interest? Why do they make sense?How has your world changed over time?

Reconnect with your why

Lastly, remind yourself why you want to be a writer anyway. Why you want to write this particular story. What it all means to you. This is the most powerful motivator if you have a real, authentic reason for what you are trying to do. A weak why makes for a weak resolve and allows room for more excuses and not showing up for your work. And be honest. Do you, like me, want the freedom of a life as an author? Or do you just want a way out from your current life but being an author isn’t actually an authentic dream for you? It’s hard but the more honest you are with yourself, the better.

Honesty leads to clarity and focus.

Good luck, I hope you can get back into the swing of things soon! Be kind to yourself.

Sincerely,

S. xx

What Does it Mean to be Free?

I got sick this weekend. Food poisoning, for the first time in my life. Not fun. Very quickly, my mental health dipped and I went to a dark place. In just a day. It’s times like this when you are made painfully aware of how not okay you really are. That just because you’re smiling and moving through the motions, doesn’t mean beneath the surface everything is rosy. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe we can truly be perfect or anything. I’m not seeking the day when I am unaffected by everything, like a Zen master (though that would be awesome). Instead, I think it’s just helped me remember the root of my fears, beliefs, and issues.

Lack of freedom.

I’m not unique in this. A lot of people want to be free. But freedom looks different to each of us. A person who is literally imprisoned seeks the freedom of the outside world. A person forced into a marriage or to work instead of getting an education seeks freedom of choice. People in war-torn countries seek the freedom of safety. I feel grateful and recognise my privilege to not have those circumstances to struggle against myself.

When I think about all the areas I get myself worked up, it comes down to feeling limited or trapped (or assuming I will feel limited or trapped). I become too zoomed in and focused on the issue, to the point of fighting it and myself black and blue. When in reality, I need to zoom out and consider ways in which I don’t feel free and what freedom would look like for me. This would then help me to feel clearer about the choices in front of me.

Ways I don’t feel freeHaving to work 8-4 every day on someone else’s scheduleNot having enough money for all the things I want to do or have (travel, my own home to shape)Having no wealth/ assets, investments, or disposable incomeNot being able to do what I love for a livingSocietal expectations: marriage, kids, house, car, fancy job title…Time restrictions on my artMy mental health is susceptible to fallLiving in a poorer, less safe areaCruelty in our world weighing on my heartSo many things demanding my attention

What freedom looks like for me:Being able to manage my own timeMaking a living doing what I love (telling stories)Feeling financially secure because we don’t live paycheck to paycheck and have assetsAbility to do what I need and want because my body is strong (good overall health and fitness)Having the option to travel because my time and money aren’t restricted as muchFeeling more confident and having support around me so my mental health isn’t as fragileFeeling seen and understood by those around me so I am free to be myself without hidingPeople close to me accept my life choices without judgmentNot feeling the need to rush and hustle to be living a good life/ slow, peaceful living

At the end of the day, freedom is about choice

This helps me to set a map to freedom! Where to pour my energy and focus so that I can feel freer in my life. It boils down to four areas for me:

Health (mind, body, emotions, social, spirit)WealthCreative choiceEnvironment and Society

I’m not going to go into too much detail, as my true and deep thoughts on this topic are private and involve other people. However, I know that I need to keep looking after myself (intermediate yoga, meditations, strength training, running, counselling sessions, taking Kalms, sleeping well, prioritising whole foods and plants); building my income doing what I love (selling stories online, write novels and get an agent, continue working in a school so I have the free time to write and build my craft); save better and be frugal where I can so my money goes further for us; and lastly, to move from my hometown to a place more fitting with my future and my goals.

A big area of work for me is the internal, though. So much of self-development and changing your life looks like the external: going to the gym, eating veggies, and reading. But if you never work on the internal, your life will never truly change. You will keep having breakdowns like I do, where I’m reminded that internally, I am struggling. This means some serious self-work needs to be done. Journalling deeply, seeing my counsellor regularly, meditating for longer so I sit with myself, taking beliefs and past experiences and unraveling them.

This takes time. To escape the cages we have built for ourselves over the years, we must slowly chip away and dig and bend the bars while concentrating on the light filtering in through them. There is light. There is freedom. And no, it may never look like what we envision for ourselves, but even if we come close, our lives will be all the better for it.

I invite you, if it serves, to ask yourself where you don’t feel free in your life and ways you could chart a journey towards more freedom.

Sincerely,

S. xx

Mid-year reflection

If you want a step-by-step guide on how to do a mid-year review, check out my post from 2019 which I think is still an excellent guide. This post, however, will be my thoughts and feelings going into the second half of the year.

Previous intentions

My intentions going into 2023 were really healthy. I wanted to slow down, be compassionate and cultivate a better relationship with myself. Although this year so far has gone well for me, I feel sad that I lost touch with this intention. I don’t feel I’ve done this at all, in fact, it’s the opposite. I’ve rushed and fretted and forced my way through things. I don’t regret the things I’ve pursued or how well things have generally worked out, but I do feel at a loss about the energy I’ve brought into these things and the lack of connection to myself that I felt was really important this year.

What matters

I’m really considering what matters most to me in my life, especially since I no longer have the distraction/focus of university study. I feel called to get a move on and make things happen for myself. Improve my financial situation and life in general. To travel and create and prove myself. To soar, as it were. However, this has manifested in fretting and rushing, which I don’t like.

Motivated and determined, yes. Worried and stressed, no.

I really haven’t known what I want and what’s for the best. Thankfully, the universe is on my side and it has seen that I want to progress and it’s provided me with some options but again, the energy around this has been so overwhelming and murky that I can’t see clearly. Even when given opportunities, I haven’t known what to do.

I still agree with the younger Siana who set her goals and intentions for 2023. I still feel called to slow down and be patient and focus inward not outward. With my life pulling at me externally, do I ignore this calling or do I try to find a balance?

I believe in balance. I value it. The Yin and Yang symbols are on my wrists for that sole reason. However, I feel off balance. I feel that what matters most is finding and adjusting so you keep in balance.

I think that what matters isn’t just what you do, but how and why you do it.

What the next half could look like

In 2020 with the pandemic, I, like many others, had time to reflect and go inward. I felt spiritually aligned and hopeful that year. I enjoyed the space I had with myself. I felt I was on the right path. Since then, I (again, perhaps like many others) feel off track. Less connected.

Therefore, I want this next half to be about reconnection. Severing ties that need abandoning and releasing and mending ties that need healing.

Letting go of:

expectations rushingworryingcomparisonjealousyjudgementcompetitionarbitrary stats and goals distraction

Cultivating:

compassionpatienceawarenessfocusloveslownessjoyfreedomspiritual connectionself-connectionintentionpurposepassionyin

Values and focus

Something I’m trying to do is not force or voice an opinion on something that I have little to no education or personal experience with directly. This is also in the hope that others will do the same! I think a lot of people do damage by forcing an opinion about things that they know nothing about. They may be ill-informed or misled and then spread misinformation. They may see something briefly and think they know the full story. Or they mistake prejudice and ignorance for a valid opinion because they believe “everyone is entitled to their own opinion” and that we have “freedom of speech” which from my experience often translates to “I want to voice my bigoted opinion and get away with it”.

I’m also questioning what and how I post online or partake in social media. I’ve questioned this for many years but with the end of university, I was originally going to focus on building my brand online. Sharing videos about writing, reading, and creativity in general. I also often feel the urge to share my reading stats on Instagram, my yoga progress, my meals, my writing progress.

This begs the question: do I only feel validated in what I’m doing if I post it online? What is the real reason I’m doing it?

I’m not naturally a visually creative person so it’s not like I’m taking beautiful photos or filming aesthetically. So to post on visual platforms feels like I’m doing so because I feel I must, not because I’m actually good at it or exploring that side of my art. I also feel as I said above, that too many people are shouting into the void about their opinions and lifestyles online that it borders on arrogance, ignorance, entitlement, and selfishness at times. So why do it? I’m still unsure about this so I guess we’ll see.

I just really value intention. The “why” behind the things I say and do. Because if you don’t have a valid reason why, you’re prone to veering off course. Sure, life needs room for serendipity and spontaneity but we also need to be active over being passive. Being passive consumers and passive creators is not healthy.

This is just my mid-year ramble, I guess! A lot of things to think about and explore in my personal time for the next 6 months and beyond. I need to rejig my routines, my focus, and my mindset. I need a lot more compassion and patience, that’s for sure. I need to refocus on what matters and stop being so easily triggered and swayed by the external world around me.

Actions for youJournal on the highs and lows of your year so far: what went well, what could have been better, regrets, favourite moments, what needs your attention, what you have enjoyed etcRevisit your intentions and goals you set in January or December last yearSet new goals, focuses, or intentionsKeep asking whyRevamp your life: style, hair, house, car, deskSet seasonal goals: summer, autumn, winter

How did your first half of 2023 go? How would you like the second half to go?

Good luck!

Sincerely,

S. xx

Thoughts on potential, freedom, endings, and time

University is finished. I’ve felt mentally done for a while though. That last push was difficult but it’s final over and it’s got me thinking.

Over the last few months, I’ve been considering what this end means for me. With university being over, I have more free time and headspace. I have this piece of paper that means something to employers but not much else. So what do I do with it? What did all that time and effort mean for me? Why did I do it and what does it mean for me now?

Potential

This may seem arrogant, but I feel I have a lot of potential. And I worry about not fulfilling that potential. That I might waste the talent, perspective, and options presented to me. It’s terrifying!

People have different views about regret but I believe in it. I’ve started a book by Daniel Pink called The Power of Regret and I agree so far. Regret is a motivator. As long as you don’t sit in the emotion and simply beat yourself up, regret tells you what you want. What’s important to you. So I regret not travelling more when I was younger, not finishing my degree sooner, not making and being better with my money. And so, I know where I need to focus. I know what’s important. I’ve ticked off my degree, so now it’s time to travel and make that paper!

To believe in myself and my potential.

Because whether I will be massively successful or not isn’t the question here. Fulfilling your potential isn’t about financial gain or fame or acclaim. It’s about doing what you know you were born to do. And again, it’s not even a case of fate or destiny, really, though I think I do believe in fate. It’s about a gut feeling; instinct. I believe we’re unhappy, depressed, or lost when we know we’re not doing what we’re meant to be doing. When we’re not who we’re meant to be.

As cliche as it is, I love the quote “I was not born to just pay bills and die.”

Freedom

What does freedom mean for me? When and where do I feel most free? When and where do I feel the least free? This seems important to contemplate because it directs us on where we need to put our energy. Yes, some things are out of our control but we can actively gain freedom from the power those things have over us. I need to make money to survive, for example, but how I get that money is open. I am free to choose another job or source of income again and again as needed.

I need to look at work as an option, something I can choose, not an anchor.

I was considering getting a writing job while writing my books on the side. My resistance to this stems from feeling like I’d be unmotivated to write for myself after a day of writing for someone else. Understandable, right? However, that is something within my control. It’s a mindset. I can let that be my narrative or I can set myself free and put systems in place so that this won’t happen. Write in different rooms to separate work and play. Set music for my personal writing. Write with peers. Write in different clothing! There’s ways around it.

We are only trapped by the limits of our minds. Because even those born into awful circumstances have liberated themselves and made a change. There’s plenty of underdog and inspiring stories out there of people triumphing despite the odds.

Why not me?

My focus over the next few years will be to find freedom within this life of mine. Freedom in creation; freedom in moving my body in a variety of ways; freedom through travelling around the world.

Endings

Change is scary. The closing of chapters is so bittersweet. I will miss university. The sense of order it granted me. The focus I had. Being a student meant I was allowed to make mistakes. Allowed to sort of pause my life while I do this thing. But now it’s gone and it’s like I must get going again. Make something of myself. But at the same time, I was a part-time student. I worked in a school, wrote books and blogs, had a podcast and travelled a little while being a student. My life was never really on pause. I am not now expected to do anything, unless I want to. And I am not done learning.

So the literal studying is over and thank god I don’t have to do referencing or clench my butt-cheeks while opening an email about my grade ever again! But nothing has really changed. I did a literature and creative writing degree so I’m still going to read books and discuss them and write stories either way!

We put so much pressure on endings. We need them to mean something. We need fireworks and trophies and everyone clapping with us. But in reality, sometimes things just end and you move on. More often than not, others don’t care as much as us. They don’t see what it means. And endings are just beginnings. They’re cyclical like that. Why cry over an ending when you can rejoice at a beginning?

Time

The passing of time terrifies me. I am painfully aware of my age, 28, and what it means in my society. To have finished my degree at 28 when most of my peers got theirs at 21 feels like I’m behind in life. That while I have to urge to travel and write and feel free, they want to settle down and plant roots. I know this is an assumption, not a fact, but that’s how it feels. I know as a woman that I have a biological clock that’s ticking relentlessly. That if I want children, I have to consider the safety and reality of waiting. Plus, it’s not fair on my husband to wait on me forever.

Without that hanging over me, I’d feel less pressure and fear to rush and get my shit together. I’d write and make money and travel and enjoy myself, or at least try. But time is passing, and we have assigned meaning to time and age that feels so real, though arbitrary.

I don’t want to waste my time on meaningless things. On being somewhere I’m unhappy. On not fulfilling my potential. At the same time, I don’t want to put expectations on myself unfairly, unnecessary pressure and stress. I want peace and patience and compassion for myself.

It’s about striking a balance between striving and just being. Work and rest. Kindness and discipline. I guess that’s my job for now, to find my groove and keep things well-balanced.

I will fulfil my potential by not losing sight of what I want and not being scared to do what needs to be done. I will be free as long as I don’t allow my mind to anchor or smother me with temporary situations. Endings won’t hurt as long as I focus on the positives of beginnings. And time won’t matter as long as I spend mine in love, sharing myself, engaging in the world’s wonders and creating with bravery. The rest will fall into place. I just have to trust that.

Thanks for reading

Sincerely,

S. xx

How to Get the Perfect Body

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about fitness, physical health and my body. On my 28th birthday this April, I spent the morning in the gym for the first time in around 4 years. I wanted to start this new year/age as I meant to go on: looking after my physical body.

I had a plan. I would go to the gym once a week in the beginning, as I can’t afford a membership at my local gym and I didn’t want to have to travel to a cheaper gym. Consistency is about ease and enjoyment, so if it was hard to go to the gym, I knew I wouldn’t keep it up.

Knowing yourself is key to making any lasting changes in your life

However, I’m rethinking this a little bit already! I have been to the gym twice since my birthday; once I skipped because my shoulders were hurting from a previous workout. I didn’t want to waste money paying for a gym session if I couldn’t get a full workout from it. Anyway, I now see the gym a little differently.

The gym is a tool in my toolbox, not a must.

Hear me out. This may sound like I’m lazy and am talking myself out of going by giving myself permission to go less. That is partially true. But there’s more to it than just that.

People think gym = fitness, gym = strength, or worst of all gym = health! That’s not the case! I can’t remember where I heard it but I love the saying that “if you think strength is only built in the gym then that’s like thinking knowledge is only gained in a library!” And it’s true.

Strength is subjective, relative, personal, conditional. Big, noticeable muscles does not mean you are necessarily stronger than someone with smaller, less noticeable ones.

I recommend that people interested in physical fitness watch a show on Netflix called Physical 100. This show was fun and inspiring but above all else it showed me that there’s different types of strength and fitness. That people who have never stepped foot in a gym can be muscular, strong and athletic.

Let’s talk about body type and genetics. I’m no expert, but many dieticians and personal trainers are now saying that how your muscles display can depend on genetics. One person could do the exact same workout as another for years and their results could differ widely (even if they ate the same food, too). I for one have very narrow hips, hip dips, and a naturally slim body. Therefore, I would react differently to a “healthy” diet and a workout routine than someone who has wider hips, naturally less slim, and are taller than me, for example.

Also consider your goals. Different athletes need different bodies. All the athletes below would have widely different goals for their body shape:

Yogi Sumo wrestlerBallet dancerSprinterMarathon runnerSwimmerWeight lifter Gymnast

All these people do impressive things, but their “perfect body” or optimal physique would differ because their sports require different muscles, body mass, and structures.

We everyday people may not be athletes of this sort, but we do need to bear in mind what we want our bodies to be able to do for us. If you want to run long distances with ease, you might not want to bulk up your arms and legs and lift heavy weights when that could cause heavier weight to have to run with. And on the flip side, if you want to lift heavy and bulk up, don’t overdo it on the cardio which will effect muscle gains.

The moral of this messy story is that the perfect body is the one that does what you want it to do, simple. Not how it looks, but how it performs for you. Maybe switch out your goals of wanting to look like Instagram and TikTok fitness influencers, and instead “run X miles”, “lift X weight”, “swim X laps”, “hold X yoga pose”.

Less focus on the outside and more on the inside

Trust me, I get it. I have wanted to tone my abs and grow my butt this year! And I’ve been cruel to myself about it, saying my butt is flat and I was sad when I started to see abs but then I quickly lost them. That’s what focusing too much on the outside can do. You may still be quite strong in reality, but because you can’t see it outside on your body, you get upset. No one wants that.

And you know what, I even felt anti-feminist to want to sculpt my body into a certain aesthetic. It’s not. It’s anti-feminist to tell a woman what she should be or do, but if she wants something for herself, that’s okay, too. It’s how you approach things, right? If the dialogue in your head is negative and self-deprecating, what’s the point? How does that serve you? Instead, if it’s positive and motivational, there’s no harm.

I know that for some, the outer physique is key to their goals and gains and progression and athleticism. That’s okay as long as you know it’s from a healthy place. But don’t chase something or someone that doesn’t fit your needs/life/self/reality. Don’t think there’s only one perfect body. That because the gym is popular right now and everyone and their grandmother seems to be lifting weights that you must too! If that’s not part of your life goals, then don’t go! Simple.

My goal now is to achieve a peak level of fitness that’s well rounded and personal to me. Focusing for now on body weight exercises the most, gym every now and then, lift weights for strength training, and do cardio. My main big goals are to do with yoga and feeling strong and athletic in general. We’ll see how that changes…

Last general adviceDo strength training as part of your exercise routine in the week because the NHS website recommends it, but this doesn’t need to be the gym or weight lifting necessarily Body weight exercises are amazing and build tone and muscle too Focus on what you eat just as much as how you move Food is fuel so make sure your body is getting the right nutrients and fuel to energise and maximise your workouts and goals Track your workouts for a form of progression and habit tracking instead of only focusing on whether you have abs yet!Be kind to yourself, being at peak physique takes time and patience and consistency, plus your starting point will differ from someone else’s so never compare timelines or progress

Love your body, no matter how it looks, and it will be perfect and in turn work better for you!

Sincerely,

S. xx

The Power of Routines

I think the most successful people are those with routines that work for them. Routines are systems or habits for the things you need to do that are natural and scheduled so they become familiar and expected. This may seem boring to some, but routines work in our favour…

Firstly, they take the decision-making out of things. We don’t need to decide whether we are going to do an ab workout or a run, because our routine dictates that it’s Monday and on Mondays we do abs! Simple. You don’t need to decide what to do when, because it’s planned into your day/week/month.

Secondly, routines help us keep on track. If you’re someone with big goals, a routine will ensure you’re working towards those goals often enough to complete them. A routine habit of saving £10 a week after your grocery shop towards travel goals. A routine of coming home from work to do some yoga or the gym. These things ensure you’re chipping away at your goals or keeping healthy habits to help you succeed in your life.

Thirdly, it makes it simpler to plan everything because your life is naturally quite organised anyway. Not everyone likes plans and calendars and routines, but it can help to keep things a little less stressful because you know when things need to happen, how, and why.

What routines could you add to your life?

Work out routine: when and how you’re doing your exercise Writing routine: when and how you plan to write each weekSelf-care/ self-reflection routine: when and how you will tend to all your needsSocialising routine: when and how you will meet up with/check in on people Reading routine: when and how you’ll do your reading Morning routine: what you want to do each morning to set you up for your day Evening routine: what you want to do each evening to set you up for a good nights sleep and reset for the next day Sunday routine: what you can do to end/start your week strongNew month routineNew season routine Financial routine: when and how you will do your budgeting, savings, and expenses Leisure routines: when and how you will schedule your playtime and relaxation Cleaning routine: when and how you’ll tend to your space

(The word routine is starting to look strange!)

You needn’t go crazy and trust me, I’m not either. I simply have a note on Notion with my routines so I can check in and make them habits. If something doesn’t quite work, adjust. They can be as rigid or flexible as works for you. But routines/systems/habits/planning ahead will ensure you keep on top of what needs doing and succeed better in your goals.

How do you start a routine?

Ask yourself what you’d like to be doing regularly, and how regularly. Brain dump your week and see where everything can slot in. Be reasonable, logical and compassionate about where things can fit best (ensure you factor in your tired, low mood self not just your best energetic self). Then adjust and try things out as necessary until you find what works.

Sincerely,

S. xx

Chapter 28 – birthday reflection

This year feels important. 28 is an age that seems to mean so much to me and to society. It’s the age I will be graduating from university and so I am in a position to “use” my degree and progress post-university/study. It’s an age that often means settling down and thinking about children. It also marks a decade of adulthood completed!

I heard that we go through cycles of 7 years in our bodies and lives and personalities etc. I don’t know if this is true, of course, but if that’s the case, a life cycle is ending for me, too. In fact, I hope that’s the case. I’m happy to say goodbye to the last chapters I’ve written which I feel were marked by many bouts of anxiety, stress, depression, indecision, uncertainty, self-deprecation, and confusion. To let those things go would be freeing. A weightlessness. But I’m not naive. This new number I now carry – 28 – doesn’t mean anything really changes, unless I make it so.

In the same breath, I want to (and need to) thank the chapters and versions of me from before now. Gosh did I work hard. I felt so much pain and frustration. I’ve fought battles within myself that no one can comprehend. I did that. I came through to the other side stronger, healthier, and better for it. I’ve felt like the dumbest, weakest, least experienced, and ugliest person in most rooms but I kept showing up. A small part of me kept believing in the worth that I have and I’m so grateful that I’ve kept showing up despite how loud my negative thoughts and gremlins can be. I’ve written 9 complete novels in adulthood and many shorter stories or incomplete ones. I’ve published books, short stories, articles, advice, blogs, podcast episodes, you name it. Clearly, despite how much I’ve doubted myself, I haven’t doubted that I have something worth saying and I’ve not been afraid to say it.

I’m proud of that the most.

I’m also proud of everything I overcame and changed the narrative on/my relationship with: food, travel, money, romance, friendship and slowly getting there with my self-image/self-worth. So I am happy to move on, keep growing, and enter a new chapter of myself and my life with a new focus.

I have some goals, personal reflections, focuses and all that for what I want my next life stage to involve, but I’ll keep my cards close to my chest. The only thing I’ll divulge is that I am going to be a writer. I already am, but I want to go harder than ever and make my dreams a reality. It’s possible if I just get out of my own damn way.

Here are some thoughts and feelings and desires I’m bringing into chapter 28, after a decade of adulting so far:

The grass isn’t greener on the other side. And how would you know if you never even look at and appreciate your own grass?Good food feels good, so keep cooking and trying new recipes and finding foods that taste and feel goodThe trip, the outfit, the event, the food, the achievement, it won’t even feel good or be good enough unless you practice gratitude and presence to appreciate where you are and what you have Jealousy is for motivation only, not self/deprecation and a victim mindset – get out of that funk through movement and action I’m not longer wearing my Fitbit all day and trying to track my workouts in that way – I’ll just feel it, I don’t need to track it for stats that aren’t accurate anyway We don’t need social media, like at all. I use it with intention now and am mindful of why I feel the need to post or scrollMoving my body is fun and feels good so I try to do it in my way each day I love yoga and I need yoga and with yoga I am my best self I can read now! When in doubt, read. It’s never wasted time and works on many levels: educational, inspiring, craftsmanship, creativity, imagination, empathy, stillness, mindfulness, entertainment… Talking about how I feel is necessary, writing about it is necessary – just get it out (I will always have a counsellor at the ready for when I need them)Sleep as a priority – I’m still working to improve this but I’ve come a long way since I was 18Let go of the need to win and I have more fun! Never stop learning It’s okay to not know the answer, in fact I feel like everyone needs to stop pretending to have an opinion on everything or knowledge of everything so that we can learn from someone else instead of just talking nonsense!I can make money abs build a comfortable life for myself – I have skills and worth I am capable, I am worthy, and I don’t need to prove it to anyone, not even myself

Sincerely,

S. xx

Maximise what you already do before you add more

Around my birthday, I often think about my goals and who I am and how to be my best self. However, I’ve also recently been overwhelmed and realised that I’m stressed out. So the last thing I want to do is begin adding things into my life that I need to do or be or have to make my life better.

Instead, I think it’s about understanding what you already have or do and maximising it for a revamp of your life rather than an overhaul or complete change or adding lots to your plate. If you feel like you’re in the same position, here are some ideas from what I’m choosing to maximise.

Workouts and physical health

I already workout a little bit. I already know what things I like to do, it’s just about doing them. So the way I’m maximising my workouts is to get a schedule together.

Mondays I do yoga because it’s more gentle and I know I’m tired on Mondays. The weekends are for longer and more intense forms of exercise, because I have more time, so this would be going for a run. After work on a Fridays, I might try going to the gym as we finish half an hour early and my gym is close by my work. While I’m already out, and I have the extra time, I might as well go! This is simpler than going home and then trying to go back out or going to the gym during peak times on the weekends which I know would spike my discomfort.

I am already using the Nike Training app so I have a plethora of workouts to choose from. Plus, they have training programmes I can do to take the decision-making out of it as they set workouts for you to do each week. Simple, easy, suitable for my lifestyle and goals!

Writing habit

Again, I know how I write. I’m not actively writing a story at the moment because of university but I will be done at the end of May. This means the time I would usually spend on university work, will be time to write and work on stories. Simple.

However, that doesn’t mean I just wait until I’m done. Or put a lot of pressure on June as being when I start getting to work. Instead, I can work on a story in my free time and at lunch times at work. When we’re watching tv, I can take notes. In fact, we could watch tv less! I have a new rule I’m going to try, no longer than 2 hours of tv in a row (two episodes of a show or a film). That way, my husband and I can maximise our time in general and hold each other accountable for achieving our dreams.

Financial goals

Finances can be a headache. We all want more money but getting it isn’t always simple. Instead, it’s about maximising the money we already have. Sometimes we think we can’t afford things, but we can. It’s hidden in the poor budgets we have.

Our subscriptions to many viewing services that we hardly or never use: Netflix, Amazon Prime, Apple TV, Disney Plus and NowTVBuying too many snacks or takeaways that isn’t healthy for us anyway and sucks away at our moneyToo much alcoholBuying clothes when you don’t need themGym memberships that you don’t useNot planning your meals so you just buy random things when at the shops Not shopping around for better deals or discounts Buying things for trends rather than out of season clothes, for example

Something I’m trying to do is get physical savings going so I can’t tap into it like I can with ease online. This means getting a travel savings pot for our bedroom so I can put cash into it. I might take out £10 in cash a week and put some in. I might also get a strict rule of if I buy clothes or takeaways, I must also put £10 in the pot. This is a deterrent away from reckless spending, but if I do spend, at least some is going to our savings and bigger financial goals, too. I am also looking into a travel rewards card to help us travel more often. We’ll see. These are just some of my ideas to maximise the money I already have so I can better use it in our goals.

Clothing

Lastly, I want to improve my wardrobe but buying lots of new clothes just isn’t practical or sensible. Instead, I’ve decluttered the clothes I no longer want. With what’s left, I’m going through and finding items I don’t wear often enough or items I usually wouldn’t wear together. Hey presto, new outfits! Swap clothes with family members if they have something you might want. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. And if I do buy clothes, I want to try secondhand items. Better on the planet and the budget!

Changing your life needn’t mean adding things or going crazy. It’s often more effective to maximise what you already have, do, or are than try to change it all. Where can you adapt to make things work better for you?

Sincerely,

S. xx