Thoughts on potential, freedom, endings, and time

University is finished. I’ve felt mentally done for a while though. That last push was difficult but it’s final over and it’s got me thinking.

Over the last few months, I’ve been considering what this end means for me. With university being over, I have more free time and headspace. I have this piece of paper that means something to employers but not much else. So what do I do with it? What did all that time and effort mean for me? Why did I do it and what does it mean for me now?

Potential

This may seem arrogant, but I feel I have a lot of potential. And I worry about not fulfilling that potential. That I might waste the talent, perspective, and options presented to me. It’s terrifying!

People have different views about regret but I believe in it. I’ve started a book by Daniel Pink called The Power of Regret and I agree so far. Regret is a motivator. As long as you don’t sit in the emotion and simply beat yourself up, regret tells you what you want. What’s important to you. So I regret not travelling more when I was younger, not finishing my degree sooner, not making and being better with my money. And so, I know where I need to focus. I know what’s important. I’ve ticked off my degree, so now it’s time to travel and make that paper!

To believe in myself and my potential.

Because whether I will be massively successful or not isn’t the question here. Fulfilling your potential isn’t about financial gain or fame or acclaim. It’s about doing what you know you were born to do. And again, it’s not even a case of fate or destiny, really, though I think I do believe in fate. It’s about a gut feeling; instinct. I believe we’re unhappy, depressed, or lost when we know we’re not doing what we’re meant to be doing. When we’re not who we’re meant to be.

As cliche as it is, I love the quote “I was not born to just pay bills and die.”

Freedom

What does freedom mean for me? When and where do I feel most free? When and where do I feel the least free? This seems important to contemplate because it directs us on where we need to put our energy. Yes, some things are out of our control but we can actively gain freedom from the power those things have over us. I need to make money to survive, for example, but how I get that money is open. I am free to choose another job or source of income again and again as needed.

I need to look at work as an option, something I can choose, not an anchor.

I was considering getting a writing job while writing my books on the side. My resistance to this stems from feeling like I’d be unmotivated to write for myself after a day of writing for someone else. Understandable, right? However, that is something within my control. It’s a mindset. I can let that be my narrative or I can set myself free and put systems in place so that this won’t happen. Write in different rooms to separate work and play. Set music for my personal writing. Write with peers. Write in different clothing! There’s ways around it.

We are only trapped by the limits of our minds. Because even those born into awful circumstances have liberated themselves and made a change. There’s plenty of underdog and inspiring stories out there of people triumphing despite the odds.

Why not me?

My focus over the next few years will be to find freedom within this life of mine. Freedom in creation; freedom in moving my body in a variety of ways; freedom through travelling around the world.

Endings

Change is scary. The closing of chapters is so bittersweet. I will miss university. The sense of order it granted me. The focus I had. Being a student meant I was allowed to make mistakes. Allowed to sort of pause my life while I do this thing. But now it’s gone and it’s like I must get going again. Make something of myself. But at the same time, I was a part-time student. I worked in a school, wrote books and blogs, had a podcast and travelled a little while being a student. My life was never really on pause. I am not now expected to do anything, unless I want to. And I am not done learning.

So the literal studying is over and thank god I don’t have to do referencing or clench my butt-cheeks while opening an email about my grade ever again! But nothing has really changed. I did a literature and creative writing degree so I’m still going to read books and discuss them and write stories either way!

We put so much pressure on endings. We need them to mean something. We need fireworks and trophies and everyone clapping with us. But in reality, sometimes things just end and you move on. More often than not, others don’t care as much as us. They don’t see what it means. And endings are just beginnings. They’re cyclical like that. Why cry over an ending when you can rejoice at a beginning?

Time

The passing of time terrifies me. I am painfully aware of my age, 28, and what it means in my society. To have finished my degree at 28 when most of my peers got theirs at 21 feels like I’m behind in life. That while I have to urge to travel and write and feel free, they want to settle down and plant roots. I know this is an assumption, not a fact, but that’s how it feels. I know as a woman that I have a biological clock that’s ticking relentlessly. That if I want children, I have to consider the safety and reality of waiting. Plus, it’s not fair on my husband to wait on me forever.

Without that hanging over me, I’d feel less pressure and fear to rush and get my shit together. I’d write and make money and travel and enjoy myself, or at least try. But time is passing, and we have assigned meaning to time and age that feels so real, though arbitrary.

I don’t want to waste my time on meaningless things. On being somewhere I’m unhappy. On not fulfilling my potential. At the same time, I don’t want to put expectations on myself unfairly, unnecessary pressure and stress. I want peace and patience and compassion for myself.

It’s about striking a balance between striving and just being. Work and rest. Kindness and discipline. I guess that’s my job for now, to find my groove and keep things well-balanced.

I will fulfil my potential by not losing sight of what I want and not being scared to do what needs to be done. I will be free as long as I don’t allow my mind to anchor or smother me with temporary situations. Endings won’t hurt as long as I focus on the positives of beginnings. And time won’t matter as long as I spend mine in love, sharing myself, engaging in the world’s wonders and creating with bravery. The rest will fall into place. I just have to trust that.

Thanks for reading

Sincerely,

S. xx