Chapter 28 – birthday reflection

This year feels important. 28 is an age that seems to mean so much to me and to society. It’s the age I will be graduating from university and so I am in a position to “use” my degree and progress post-university/study. It’s an age that often means settling down and thinking about children. It also marks a decade of adulthood completed!

I heard that we go through cycles of 7 years in our bodies and lives and personalities etc. I don’t know if this is true, of course, but if that’s the case, a life cycle is ending for me, too. In fact, I hope that’s the case. I’m happy to say goodbye to the last chapters I’ve written which I feel were marked by many bouts of anxiety, stress, depression, indecision, uncertainty, self-deprecation, and confusion. To let those things go would be freeing. A weightlessness. But I’m not naive. This new number I now carry – 28 – doesn’t mean anything really changes, unless I make it so.

In the same breath, I want to (and need to) thank the chapters and versions of me from before now. Gosh did I work hard. I felt so much pain and frustration. I’ve fought battles within myself that no one can comprehend. I did that. I came through to the other side stronger, healthier, and better for it. I’ve felt like the dumbest, weakest, least experienced, and ugliest person in most rooms but I kept showing up. A small part of me kept believing in the worth that I have and I’m so grateful that I’ve kept showing up despite how loud my negative thoughts and gremlins can be. I’ve written 9 complete novels in adulthood and many shorter stories or incomplete ones. I’ve published books, short stories, articles, advice, blogs, podcast episodes, you name it. Clearly, despite how much I’ve doubted myself, I haven’t doubted that I have something worth saying and I’ve not been afraid to say it.

I’m proud of that the most.

I’m also proud of everything I overcame and changed the narrative on/my relationship with: food, travel, money, romance, friendship and slowly getting there with my self-image/self-worth. So I am happy to move on, keep growing, and enter a new chapter of myself and my life with a new focus.

I have some goals, personal reflections, focuses and all that for what I want my next life stage to involve, but I’ll keep my cards close to my chest. The only thing I’ll divulge is that I am going to be a writer. I already am, but I want to go harder than ever and make my dreams a reality. It’s possible if I just get out of my own damn way.

Here are some thoughts and feelings and desires I’m bringing into chapter 28, after a decade of adulting so far:

The grass isn’t greener on the other side. And how would you know if you never even look at and appreciate your own grass?Good food feels good, so keep cooking and trying new recipes and finding foods that taste and feel goodThe trip, the outfit, the event, the food, the achievement, it won’t even feel good or be good enough unless you practice gratitude and presence to appreciate where you are and what you have Jealousy is for motivation only, not self/deprecation and a victim mindset – get out of that funk through movement and action I’m not longer wearing my Fitbit all day and trying to track my workouts in that way – I’ll just feel it, I don’t need to track it for stats that aren’t accurate anyway We don’t need social media, like at all. I use it with intention now and am mindful of why I feel the need to post or scrollMoving my body is fun and feels good so I try to do it in my way each day I love yoga and I need yoga and with yoga I am my best self I can read now! When in doubt, read. It’s never wasted time and works on many levels: educational, inspiring, craftsmanship, creativity, imagination, empathy, stillness, mindfulness, entertainment… Talking about how I feel is necessary, writing about it is necessary – just get it out (I will always have a counsellor at the ready for when I need them)Sleep as a priority – I’m still working to improve this but I’ve come a long way since I was 18Let go of the need to win and I have more fun! Never stop learning It’s okay to not know the answer, in fact I feel like everyone needs to stop pretending to have an opinion on everything or knowledge of everything so that we can learn from someone else instead of just talking nonsense!I can make money abs build a comfortable life for myself – I have skills and worth I am capable, I am worthy, and I don’t need to prove it to anyone, not even myself

Sincerely,

S. xx