S.R. Crawford's Blog, page 9

The Age Panic and Our Mental Health

Work hard while you’re young. Travel while you’re young. Date around while you’re young. Learn while you’re young. Start a business while you’re young. Don’t wait too long! Have a baby while you’re still young. Settle down into a home you’ve bought while you’re young. It’s embarrassing to wait too long.

It sounds like society wants us to do everything while we’re young. To live a whole lifetime before we’re 35. To have every box ticked as if life ends once you’re 40. And so begins the march to “the end” when you’re like me and you’re approaching 30. Unless you speak to some people past 40 who love to tell you how young you still are to dismiss your panic!

It’s impossible. Only the few are able to tick every box.

I follow quite a few YouTubers and not many have any children. Some have travelled, others not so much. Some are near my age, some a little younger, some older. And I like that there’s a mix. It reminds me that everyone is different. It’s okay to have kids and work, it’s okay not to. It’s okay to dedicate your time to travel. It’s okay not to. It’s okay to work as an artist, it’s okay not to. It’s okay to work hard towards a career. It’s okay not to.

Please, stop telling people how to live their lives. Stop acting like their life is over if they haven’t achieved a certain arbitrary goal or standard or status symbol by a certain age.

People write and publish their first books over 40.

People become first time parents near or even over 40.

People start travelling post 40.

People may only find their ideal job post 40.

People buy their first homes post 40.

People change their mindsets and interests and relationships post 40, and 50, and 60…

And it’s all okay. It’s all normal. It’s all valid. No one is behind or ahead. There’s no marker for this, except imagined ones. Yes, for pregnancy, for example, there is a fertility “deadline” to consider but this differs person to person and there’s other means for having a child, at the right time. You’re not being helpful by making people feel pressured or wrong for what they do and who they are.

I know it often comes from good intentions. Wanting to support people and help them to have good lives and not miss opportunities. However, the age pressures and expectations have got to stop! Most people know they’re getting older and some doors may be closing, they don’t need to be reminded of it. People flourish at the own times. People have different priorities at different times. People learn and grow and understand things about themselves and the world at different times.

So let them! And let yourself!

I know I am my own worst enemy. My own worst critic. The voices in my head are louder than those around me. And I don’t know why I have these voices, as I haven’t come from a family who pressured me to do things. I guess I’m just hyper aware of society’s expectations at large. This “rulebook” for how to live life right and fit in and be accepted by your peers.

I’ve never quite fit in. Never quite been accepted and seen as doing the “right thing”. Introvert when I should be extroverted, writer when I should get a “real job”, wrong friendship group, university drop out (twice!), self-published not traditionally published, inexperienced with some of life’s norms…it may have left me feeling like I still don’t belong, and never will. That I have something to prove in order to not be shunned from the group.

But I need to free myself from that pursuit. I don’t need to hustle to be seen and valued. I don’t need to prove to society that I am worthy.

So this post is just a reminder to release the pressure and stop letting arbitrary deadlines rule your life. Free yourself! Society isn’t watching as much as you think or judging you. Your age literally is just a number. Be grateful that you have a chance right now grow older, not everyone does. And follow your own timeline to create your own unique story!

Sincerely,

S. xx

How to be a master of your craft

For a while, finishing university meant I felt like an expert. Or at least, like some of my expertise had been validated by society. But this isn’t true. I’ve always said, but I guess I forgot, that learning is never done. It’s not a destination to be reached, like now I am knowledgable or an expert. It’s a never ending journey. And in a more literal sense, for people who want to be real experts or masters will always study further. They may do a Masters in their field or a phd or whatever else.

Now, I’m not going to do that. I’m not going back to university to do an official masters degree. Instead, I am going to channel that energy into my learning journey. I’m going to treat my next steps as a Masters degree of sorts, where I focus my learning, research and practice into a goal. Where I experiment and get feedback and put my work out there to see what sticks.

My problem is for a number of years now, I’ve worked on novels but not many at once or many short stories or submitted my work anywhere. The last competition I entered was back in 2018. Yes, I’ve been preoccupied with university and full-time work a little, but I don’t see that as an excuse. I’ve had time off here and there where I could have done more. Maybe that’s not true. Maybe I did the best with what I had. So maybe from 2019-2023, I can allow myself some grace and know that I was developing while doing university (I studied creative writing and English literature, so it aligns with my writing career pursuits) and tried my best.

Now I’m in the next phase, then, and so I need to get back to what I was doing from 2013-2018 (the years I self-published and was more active with my writing pursuits), but learn from my mistakes and take my newfound expertise and maturity into my next steps. To regain that tenacity and self-belief into actively pursuing my goal of being a paid and published author without fear and passivity and self-doubt.

Am I talking about overworking? Overwhelming myself with unfair deadlines and expectations? No. But I do want to be more strategic, experimental, and focused. Not just a casual writer who writes sometimes when she’s inspired: a hobbyist (which is of course fine, just not me). If I were still a student, I would have to produce work and research and study. So I need to do that, for myself, on my own schedule and hold myself accountable.

I’m not going to lie, and anyone who reads all of my blog posts already knows, I have had many epiphanies and plans and new habit ideas and the like in a way to hack my systems and become more successful. I get an idea for something that sounds good and I think it might work. It must change my life or at least hack how I do things. But honestly, it rarely happens that way or lasts. Something may work briefly and then I’m back to square one. That’s because sometimes it’s not about hacks or fancy ideas. Often it’s just simple hard work. Peeling everything back and just getting down to doing the things you authentically want and need to do for you.

I’ve watched a few things about mastery lately. YouTubers who made it big, sports stars, and the Queen’s Gambit about a master chess player. They all have something in common: astounding work ethic. They all worked incredibly hard to make their dreams come true, or to be experts in their fields. The saying goes that it takes 10,000 hours to master something. My husband asked me if I think I’ve put 10,000 hours into my writing. I said I definitely had. I’ve been writing since I was about 8 years old. I’m now 28, almost 29. Every year I’ve worked on stories. There’s times in between when I’ve not been as active, but no year went by without me working on a story. Plus all the hours of blog posts, articles, essays, poems and the like, it’s all hours under my belt.

But I am no master. I’ve a lot of work left to do.

And so, this is me just announcing that I am doing the work. Not to reach some arbitrary milestone of being a “master” now, but to enter into a journey of mastery. To accept this journey as lifelong and to enjoy the dedication to something. That even if I never make money from my writing, the simple act of doing it brings me joy and fulfilment. Getting better, and yes, hopefully reaching more people will bring me joy. But seeing a long trail of manuscripts and poems and posts and prose pieces in my wake as I journey through life feels beautiful and right to me. I just need to focus a bit more on what that looks like; dedicating real time to it, and not giving up or getting in my head about it.

Here’s to always being a student of life and art. Here’s to the journey of mastery that has no end destination. Here’s to practising, always.

Sincerely,

S. xx

How to improve your critical thinking to improve your creative writing

I think part of our jobs as writers is to have a critical eye. We can’t just read a book and move on to the next. I need to get into the habit of engaging with them a little more. Questioning it and myself after having read it. Even if it’s one I read “for pure entertainment”, I still should ask well why and how did it entertain me? How can I learn from this experience? The same goes with many elements of life. As writers and storytellers, it is our role, perhaps, to go deeper and get to the meat of a thing. Even if it leaves us with more questions than answers, which for me, is the most fascinating of topics. A story poses a question: what if… And then it explores an answer, either reaching a solid conclusion or not. Either works, depending on the topic.

But it’s the questioning that keeps the reader curious and helps the writer to understand themselves and their stance in the world.

Sometimes, we get caught up in the creative side that we forget this important critical side to being a storyteller and writer. It’s what makes us better at what we do, in my opinion. It’s something I’ve been lacking. It was only during university that I engaged critically with what I was reading, or looked at my own work with a critical eye. Why? There’s a reason I was taught to do that, and I think it benefits me to do this in a looser way in every day life.

Maybe “critical” is too logical, too boring a word. It makes it sound like school! Instead, let’s say “reflective”. “Contemplative”. For us to take time to hold an issue, a topic, a piece of art, an idea and to slip it between our fingers asking ourselves what it means for us. What it could mean if unraveled. That’s fun for me. I technically do this when journaling for personal reasons. Maybe there’s something potent in doing this outside of my journal more often. Allowing myself to indulge in the free contemplation of a topic, stream of consciousness style. Focused, artful rumination is profound for figuring out what you think about a piece of this life.

I was listening to a trio of booktubers talk about theme and authorial intent, asking if a subtle or more direct approach to theme is better. Of course, this came down to personal preference. It always depends on this or that. I know I am stronger at contemplation of theme than thrilling, high stakes stories. Maybe I’ve neglected the area in which I excel. I need to find a balance between critical thinking/reflective writing and a good story. I need to read more books in this tone so I can know how to emulate it. When I find this, I can and should dissect the narrative and the beats so I know how to make my own writing just as strong and effective.

So writers, if you aren’t reading enough – read more! If you aren’t questioning what you read and being a little more reflective, try it out. It’s good practice for us and the development of our craft. We can do this with tv shows and films we watch, too. Journal deeply on topics of concern or interest or passions you have. See the holes in our society and write stream of consciousness about them. This helps us to develop a keen eye for voice and opinion. It helps us to develop themes for our work. It helps us to understand effective storytelling in all forms and why it works.

So how do we ensure there’s a critical voice to our work? How do we improve our writing through this reflective process? Practice. Practice. Practice! Don’t see a “random” essay about a “random” topic as pointless. If you have something to get off your chest, do it! If you want to see what you truly think about it something without the high stakes of it being in a manuscript, just open another document and let it out freely there. See where it goes without question or restrain. Let it all out, and see what has unfolded.

Get practising!

Sincerely,

S. xx

Why I love writing stories

I think writing is dreaming. It’s the reason I write fantasy novels. I dream of other worlds and possibilities I can’t live in real life. And writing from another character means we get to live other lives. Make different choices without suffering the consequences or the fear in reality. It’s the reason I really want to write a novel set in a university. My own university experiences didn’t play out the way I dreamed they would: echoic halls, like minds, enjoyable deep reading and general Oxford-esque academia vibes. So, in writing, I get to live that life in another way, through another person. What a gift?

I’ve gone back and forth on whether I am a “writer” or not. A writer sounds like someone with the power to use words well. I’m not sure I have that power. But I do love stories. I love characters. I love minds and choices and beliefs and emotions. I love other worlds and cultures and societies. I love people and how they interact and connect. I love asking why and what if. I love being contemplative and reflective. Writing is simply a tool I use to explore all these things. I am a storyteller.

Stories are so much more than plot. In my opinion, the worst stories are just plots. Just things that happen. Instead, a good story is rife with emotion. It makes you feel something deeply, whether it’s joy or fear or sadness or jealousy. A good story brings you into the world. It invites you to befriend or to hate a character. A good story pulls and pulls and doesn’t let go.

Writing is creation, maybe this is why I don’t feel the strong pull of motherhood. I am already a mother. A mother of hundreds of characters I created from my mind and my soul. It takes a lot of energy to create like this, but when I do, I feel the most alive.

In the writing community, we talk about being a plotter or a pantser (discovery writer). Someone who organises and plans, or someone who makes it up as they go along. But I don’t think it matters. It ruins the writing process to subscribe to one or the other. To decide what type of writer you are in any capacity. Yes, know yourself and best practices for your work, but writing is creativity. It should be fluid at the end of the day. There needs to be space for dreaming. There needs to be space for adaptation, flexibility, fluidity and letting things unfold naturally. Each story, each character, may require something different from you and we have to allow for that.

Writing becomes difficult when you are pulled into reality. When it no longer comes from the soul or the depths of your being and starts being about rules, gatekeepers, marketability, format, “shoulds”, and expectations. Writing is dreaming. Writing is creation. Writing is a conversation with the universe. Writing is how we decide what we feel about a topic. Writing only becomes a thing with limitations and restrictions when we allow fear into the driving seat or try to sell our work. Before then, the act of putting words onto a page without a care for how it is received is the most beautiful and sacred thing there is to experience.

At least for me.

I want to dream more this year. I don’t tend to sleep well, so this idea is twofold, but I want to slip into this space of dreaming. Believing in the ever so slightly possible. Playing with form. Allowing and inviting, instead of shunning and perfecting. Gentle, soft, yin practice. Passionate thirst for the fluidity of flow and my mind-to-keyboard connection being so tight that I just bleed onto the page. 2024 is the year of dreams coming true, book deal or not, because I can create a dreamscape right here, right now.

Sincerely,

S. xx

A love letter to myself

It’s Valentine’s day. The commercial day for proving you love someone(s). It’s cliche now but I want to dedicate today to loving myself. Proving to myself that after all the heartbreak, I still love myself.

Because I don’t act like it. In a relationship, I would be deemed the neglectful, abusive partner at times. Constantly putting myself down, telling myself I’m not worthy, not trusting myself. It’s the equivalent of second guessing a partner; constantly questioning them; and then hating their choices. It’s the equivalent of looking at your partner naked and laughing before pointing out all their flaws.

It’s emotional abuse. It’s cruel.

But it’s okay, somehow, because it’s us doing it to ourselves? No. Not at all.

I do love you, Siana, I do. Sometimes it’s really deep down, but I think I’m getting better at showing you love. Showing up for you. I have that Big Sister voice trained now, which I use to cheer you on when you’re scared or tired or unmotivated.

You got this, kid! You can do it! Keep going!

Words of affirmation are a love language. As a writer, words mean a lot to me. But I don’t use them well enough on myself sometimes. I use my words to scold and worry. I use my big imagination to visualise a life that I’ve personally messed up for myself.

I love you enough to try to stop that now.

If we were in a relationship, which we are, I would have a lot of things to answer for. A lot of promises to keep. A lot of love to give, finally.

Touch is another love language, and I promise to self-massage, move our body, and caress you in the ways you need and deserve. Gifts, another love language, alongside acts of service and quality time. I promise to give you treats now and then purely because I love you without guilt or worrying about money. To do things for you that you’ll thank your past self for, like meal prep, trying up, exercise. To spend quality time just us, doing what we love, indulging in our delights just for the sake of it.

I will love you enough to not question your curiosities.

I will love you enough to support your dreams.

I will love you enough to keep writing no matter what.

I will love you enough to let you open yourself up to love from others without fear of being judged or hurt.

I will love you enough to stop replaying the soundtrack of your past to remind you of every mistake and failure.

I will love you enough to never let you feel alone again.

I will love you enough to eat better and move this wonderful body we have for once it’s destroyed, there’s no going back.

I will love you enough to let you bloody rest when you need it without judging you for it or reminding you of your to do list.

I will love you enough to stop you from comparing yourself to others who have very different lives to ours.

I will love you enough to remind you everyday what a goddamn super star you are for waking up and trying even when you just want to stay in bed.

I will love you enough to keep hope and faith in my heart.l, not just fear and scepticism.

I will love you. I do love you. I always did. I was just scared before. Scared of a difficult life. Scared of sadness and fear. Scared of loss. Scared of pain. Scared of all the things you felt in abundance so young. I tried to protect you, but all I’ve done is neglect you, and I’m so sorry for that.

I’m so sorry.

Love always, infinitely, ferociously,

S. xx

How to be a practising writer

I’m changing the terminology I use about many areas of my life in order to change how I feel about them, including my writing.

I don’t want to call myself an amateur writer – because I’m not; I’ve been writing for a long time and it has negative connotations of being bad at something almost.

I don’t even want to say I’m an aspiring writer/author – because that makes it sound like something I’m not yet and it’s some destination to constantly try to reach.

Instead, I’ve landed on the term “practising writer”. The reason I like this is twofold:

It allows room for improvement, mistakes, and being a learner. It doesn’t demand perfection or rules or expectations.It makes it sound like something you’re always doing. You are writing often. It doesn’t mean every day or in a certain way, just that you are active. You are practising it, present tense; you are doing. You’re in the thing, getting your hands dirty!

I love this idea because it makes me feel like my writing is playful and fluid again. That I can write shoddy poetry on a whim in my notebook because that makes me a practising writer. That I am not a poet or an author, this solid thing with expectations attached, but just a person in the act of practising my craft. I find this very poetic and beautiful as a concept (but maybe that’s just me!).

Here are some quick tips for how to embody being a practising writer/author/novelist/storyteller:

Try to show up to write often – define what that means for you and your energy right now: once a week, twice a week, once a month etc.Practise writing – just write whatever comes to your head, use prompts, open a notebook to brain dump, whateverReview and reflect on your work – like an athlete or sportsman watching back game footage to review their form and performance, read back over your work: what went well? what could be improved? where did you feel bored? where were you most excited? Ask for feedback from othersLet drafts be drafts …as in a pile of rubbish if it needs to be!Get good at and excited about editing and revisions – that’s where the magic is, where you get to bring your vision to lifeRead widely and often and review what you liked or didn’t like about a book and why that might be or how it could influence your own workWrite in different styles, genres, or mediums to flex that creative muscle – blogging, scripts, poems, fantasy, romance, thriller, online, computer, notebook (it’s all valid and awakens different creative parts of you)Tell people that you’re a writer or novelist or storyteller – don’t be shy or only focus on what you get paid to do; writing for the sake of it is valid and worthy and beautifulEmbody the artist within – writing is an art form, so let loose and throw that figurative paint on your blank canvas!

Sincerely,

S. xx

Language Barrier – a poem

Swollen tongues and bite marks

Dented lips, chapped and flaking

Skin falling like snowflakes:

Confetti?

Whose mother tongue is the top

of this cluttered matriarchy?

Woven walls wicked barriers

Blocking words flung from mouths

That never close.

Breathe through your nose –

Inhale…Exhale…

Good. That’s better!

Walls tumble brick by broken brittle brick

When we breathe

Between sentences.

Full stop, Capital letter? No.

Ellipsis…pause –

Caesura, not enjambment

Creates a bridge –

Where walls once were.

And now words cross seas

Accents accepted

And placed in treasure chests

To be heard again later

“I love you”

“Te amo, mi amor”

“Aishiteru”

“Mon ami”

What does it mean to be good at something?

When I’m being cruel to myself, it’s easy for me to think that I’m not good at anything. That everyone I know has some form of expertise or skillset that I just don’t feel I have. That everyone else is successful at the things they want to do, and I’m not. But today I wondered, what does it actually mean to be “good at something”? Why is it that I don’t feel good enough? Is it because I have the wrong idea about what it means to be good at something?

The Wrong idea

The wrong idea about what it means to be good at something focuses more on the outcome and end product. So, for me, I could only say that I’m good at writing or reading or yoga if I have the following markers for success:

Other people said I was goodMy stats (for how often I did it or how many books read etc) were higher than averageI won awards or accolades People sort me out for advice about that thingI was better than my peers

This all sounds like comparison and competition, which are the thieves of joy. I can only see myself as good enough if other people think that I am. It’s all about winning and external validation. No, no, no.

This is very normal, though. At school, you only felt good at a subject if you received high grades, or your teacher said so at Parent’s Evening, or if your hand was always in the air to answer questions. But we aren’t in school anymore and this never should have become our marker for “good enough” in the first place.

A fairer idea

What do we do instead, you ask? How do we know what we’re good at? One idea is something I thought about in terms of my writing. Other people think I’m good at writing (even though they haven’t read my work, which is why I never agree with them – how can they know that if they don’t read my work?!). However, maybe I am good at writing because it’s something I’ve practiced over my lifetime. It’s the one thing I haven’t stopped doing. Even if I’m not actively working on a story, I’m always jotting down ideas or writing for my blog.

I am a writer, that’s for certain.

But am I good at it?

I think so, yes, because if nothing else, I have proven that I can write. The literal, physical act of putting words together on a page to create meaning for the reader is something I can unequivocally do! I find it easy. Words always come to me. I know how to wield them to suit my needs.

Being able to do something and being good at it is different, though. I think a lot of people can write, even if they don’t as a hobby or profession. So what’s the difference here? I think it’s that ease; that flow state I can enter when writing. That writing feels good and natural for me, and so there’s this innate connection to it. Therefore, I am good at it.

If someone can read my work and understand what I’ve written, I am successful. They may not like what I wrote or agree or maybe they would do it differently themselves but that’s all subjective. That’s an opinion. But the act of understanding what I wrote means that I was successful. I did well. I am good at it.

Let’s use another example: Yoga. I’ve often questioned whether I’m good at it. I was told the other day that I’m flexible because I do yoga, to which I replied that I am not flexible and they looked shocked. I said I’m not naturally flexible and people who don’t do yoga may be much more flexible than myself. That this is often a misconception for yoga; that one must be flexible to do it. On the contrary, one improves their flexibility by doing yoga. Just like you don’t need to be strong to lift weights; you lift weights to become strong. You don’t need to be flexible to do yoga; you do yoga to become flexible!

Anyway…am I good at it?

I’d say so, yes. This is because I’ve been practicing yoga for about 7 years now (on and off). I am familiar with it. I can lead a session for myself and others without a yoga teacher or online guide. I feel confident in my knowledge of the poses, even more complex ones. I can do faster vinyasas, standard hatha, or yin practices. I am not flexible or particularly physically strong. I can’t hold handstands or elbow stands confidently, but I do practice them. Even so, I am good at yoga because I know yoga well. Just like writing, through years of practice, I feel at ease when I do yoga. A comfort and familiarity like a feeling of being at home.

In summary

This is my new definition of “being good at something”.

You’ve practice for a whileIt feels easy, comfortable, or very familiar to you (can enter a flow state when doing it)It feels good when you do it – the act of doing is more important than any end resultYou know the thing well

From this idea, what am I good at?

Writing (stories and blog posts mostly)YogaGiving advicePlanning and organising myselfCookingJournalingReadingHonesty and emotional vulnerabilityExplaining how I feelMeditatingCleaningIdea generation and creating new worldsSelf-motivationTypingEditing and proofreading

Please go ahead and make a list/definition for yourself and see what you’re good at without the need for external validation and approval. Don’t let gatekeepers and the opinions of others decide what you are good at!

Sincerely,

S. xx

How to Make Writing Fun Again

When I was younger, writing was more fun. Pure creative expression with no limits. Yes, in adulthood I’ve become more serious and I’ve learned more about the craft, but that doesn’t mean the fun should be lost from the process. There are a lot of benefits to making your writing feel fun again, most importantly, I think, because creativity and playfulness are intertwined. This is why children are so creative: they are playful and imaginative without rigid limits. Another reason is that it makes sitting down to write less daunting. It’s less of a chore. There’s less pressure. It suddenly becomes something you want to do because it’s just for fun!

With that, here are some ways of making your writing process feel fun, playful, and carefree again even when you’re a “serious writer”.

Change your font – choose a playful one or a different one to your norm; maybe change the font every time you sit down to write to keep it fresh and track how much you wrote each day at a glance rather than by word countChange the colour of your font – makes it feel less serious; could have a certain colour for a certain mood for each scene/chapter; different colours for different POV charactersHave a moody playlist going – different ones for different characters, scenes or chapters (easy to find on Spotify or YouTube, just search for the vibe you want e.g. “fight scenes, epic scenes, dark forest, whimsical, etc.”)Use writing sessions and timers – this makes you feel competitive and that can be fun! Also live writing sessions with others online, like Abbie Emmons hosts, helps you to feel less alone as you writeVideo call your writer friend and write together – again, that solidarity of writers writing togetherDress up – as your character or someone you think looks like a writer (maybe a checkered blazer?)Insert pictures into your manuscript – this helps you to visualise it as a book or feel more like the world is coming aliveDance in between every hundred words – gets the energy and creative juices flowing tooWrite in your notebook instead – removes the pressure of word count and you can doodle in the cornersDon’t write in chapters – this makes it look like a book and books are long and scary to write; stories, not so much!Light a candle – I’m currently reading The Little Book of Hygge and he states that candles are the most cosy and hygge thing there is which means relaxation and good vibes only!Write from different places each time – office, living room, kitchen, bedroom, library, coffee shop, friend’s house, parent’s house, garden, park…Only write when you feel like it – this is a slippery slope so be careful but this helps you to associate writing with something you genuinely want to do again not something you have to doMake a fun Pinterest board for your world and characters – perfect inspiration and without fault has always got my creative juices flowing when I’ve sat down to writeCreate a Canva collage for your story – again, pictures go a long way to immerse you in your story world which feels so fun and they’re fun to make; set the collage are your desktop and/or phone wallpaperGive yourself permission to write a zero/skeleton draft – this means you feel “allowed” to write quickly, badly and playfully without worrying about it being goodGive yourself a treat after or during writing – don’t overindulge but a little treat or reward helps make mental connections between writing and dopamine and happy feelings

There are many other ways that you can personally make writing feel fun for you again. Let me know in the comments if you have more advice to share with others.

Sincerely,

S. xx

The path is long and difficult – will you journey anyway?

Since I was a little girl, I’ve known I’ve wanted to tell stories. Once, I didn’t know I could make a living from this; the word author wasn’t known to me. But when I learned that word, I grasped on tightly to it and haven’t let go since.

And that’s painful.

Why? Isn’t it lovely to have a dream and know what you want so young? Yes and no. It hurts to have a dream that seems so far away. Even as you step closer, it’s still covered in mist and sitting atop a mountain that you can’t find the path to climb. Because the road is long and difficult to get there. And even when I get there, there’s no telling what I will find and what my success may look like.

That’s why lately I’ve been doing something very scary. I’ve been thinking about what I’d want to do and what my life would look like if I never became a successful author. Not because I’m quitting. Hell no. But because the desperation and pressure that comes with grasping on so tightly to my dream is making the chase a lot harder to bear. Every story becomes a “book” and that’s this heavy pressure that myself and my friend talk about on our podcast, Don’t Quit Your Daydream.

How is my creativity meant to flow freely if it constantly feels suffocated and stressed? In one episode, we likened our creativity to a person and we’ve been strangling it lately because we just want it to produce something extraordinary for us so we can save ourselves from our current lives and live out our dreams of being successful authors.

It’s toxic. It’s not what I want anymore.

And don’t get me wrong, I’m not seeking huge success. I would love to just switch my normal income that I have now (which I’m very grateful for but isn’t anything to shout and brag about) from my normal job to the same income from being an author. That’s what I’m seeking. I’d still struggle for money sometimes but at least I could afford what I needed and go away on holiday and give gifts and be doing all that more freely while being my ideal author self.

Freedom, self-actualisation, a dream come true even in a small way.

But the road is long and difficult. No matter who you are, at some point, it will be difficult. Either you struggle to get the first draft out, or you struggle to edit it to what you want the story to be, or you struggle to land an agent through querying, or struggle to sell to a publisher through submissions, or the book struggles to find a place on the shelf where it actually sells well. The process is long and tedious and it’s a lot of waiting and ifs and buts and maybes. I don’t say this to put anyone off writing books as a career, and I won’t quit either.

I may need to change my strategy, though.

I can’t be unhappy until I’m an author. That could mean putting my life on hold and being miserable for decades. It could mean I never truly live at all. I’m not saying my dream won’t happen, but that I don’t know how long it will take until it does and there’s so many variables out of my control.

My biggest issue at the moment is writing a story that I actually want to edit and make better, whether for publishing or whatever else. I’ve written complete first drafts, appropriately sized too, but when they’re done I feel a bit meh. Like the story doesn’t feel as good as I wanted it to in order for me to want to revise and perfect it. It’s a weird and frustrating problem to have because it’s nuanced. How do I know if I’m self-sabotaging, or if the story could be revised and I end up liking it, or if I’m wasting my time altogether, or if it’s not right and it’s time to move on?

Anyway, what I’m saying is I need to look at ways to be happy and thriving in other ways. I don’t want my life to feel like waiting for writing success. I want to write happily and freely because I’m happy with my life in general. I want to write as a bonus. I want to write because an idea is gripping me not because I’m forcing it in a need for success and change.

What does this look like? I don’t know yet. I have a few ideas of what I can do to that would fulfil me and bring me better life balance. Sadly, it will mean trial and error to see what works. I don’t know what will make me happy until I try it. What does make me worry, though, is that I’m 29 this year and time feels like it’s ticking. It’s a worry that I may need to study or be a beginner again for something new until I find my feet. And I worry about even more wasted time.

Of course, a concern is that it may look and feel like I’m giving up on my dream. That if I put effort into something else, then my writing dream falls to the wayside. But the ultimate goal is to build a life that feels good so I feel good enough to write and create. Finding that place, that job, that lifestyle that suits this goal isn’t easy but I think it’s important.

Thank you for reading this ramble! It’s hard but I have to shift at this age and stage in my life. Being a successful published author is a long and difficult road and I am just finding a way to support and equip myself to better handle it. If you are in a similar position, know you’re not alone or a failure. We all have journeys that look differently and it’s about finding what makes dealing with it easier.

Good luck to us all!

Sincerely,

S. xx