What does it mean to be good at something?

When I’m being cruel to myself, it’s easy for me to think that I’m not good at anything. That everyone I know has some form of expertise or skillset that I just don’t feel I have. That everyone else is successful at the things they want to do, and I’m not. But today I wondered, what does it actually mean to be “good at something”? Why is it that I don’t feel good enough? Is it because I have the wrong idea about what it means to be good at something?

The Wrong idea

The wrong idea about what it means to be good at something focuses more on the outcome and end product. So, for me, I could only say that I’m good at writing or reading or yoga if I have the following markers for success:

Other people said I was goodMy stats (for how often I did it or how many books read etc) were higher than averageI won awards or accolades People sort me out for advice about that thingI was better than my peers

This all sounds like comparison and competition, which are the thieves of joy. I can only see myself as good enough if other people think that I am. It’s all about winning and external validation. No, no, no.

This is very normal, though. At school, you only felt good at a subject if you received high grades, or your teacher said so at Parent’s Evening, or if your hand was always in the air to answer questions. But we aren’t in school anymore and this never should have become our marker for “good enough” in the first place.

A fairer idea

What do we do instead, you ask? How do we know what we’re good at? One idea is something I thought about in terms of my writing. Other people think I’m good at writing (even though they haven’t read my work, which is why I never agree with them – how can they know that if they don’t read my work?!). However, maybe I am good at writing because it’s something I’ve practiced over my lifetime. It’s the one thing I haven’t stopped doing. Even if I’m not actively working on a story, I’m always jotting down ideas or writing for my blog.

I am a writer, that’s for certain.

But am I good at it?

I think so, yes, because if nothing else, I have proven that I can write. The literal, physical act of putting words together on a page to create meaning for the reader is something I can unequivocally do! I find it easy. Words always come to me. I know how to wield them to suit my needs.

Being able to do something and being good at it is different, though. I think a lot of people can write, even if they don’t as a hobby or profession. So what’s the difference here? I think it’s that ease; that flow state I can enter when writing. That writing feels good and natural for me, and so there’s this innate connection to it. Therefore, I am good at it.

If someone can read my work and understand what I’ve written, I am successful. They may not like what I wrote or agree or maybe they would do it differently themselves but that’s all subjective. That’s an opinion. But the act of understanding what I wrote means that I was successful. I did well. I am good at it.

Let’s use another example: Yoga. I’ve often questioned whether I’m good at it. I was told the other day that I’m flexible because I do yoga, to which I replied that I am not flexible and they looked shocked. I said I’m not naturally flexible and people who don’t do yoga may be much more flexible than myself. That this is often a misconception for yoga; that one must be flexible to do it. On the contrary, one improves their flexibility by doing yoga. Just like you don’t need to be strong to lift weights; you lift weights to become strong. You don’t need to be flexible to do yoga; you do yoga to become flexible!

Anyway…am I good at it?

I’d say so, yes. This is because I’ve been practicing yoga for about 7 years now (on and off). I am familiar with it. I can lead a session for myself and others without a yoga teacher or online guide. I feel confident in my knowledge of the poses, even more complex ones. I can do faster vinyasas, standard hatha, or yin practices. I am not flexible or particularly physically strong. I can’t hold handstands or elbow stands confidently, but I do practice them. Even so, I am good at yoga because I know yoga well. Just like writing, through years of practice, I feel at ease when I do yoga. A comfort and familiarity like a feeling of being at home.

In summary

This is my new definition of “being good at something”.

You’ve practice for a whileIt feels easy, comfortable, or very familiar to you (can enter a flow state when doing it)It feels good when you do it – the act of doing is more important than any end resultYou know the thing well

From this idea, what am I good at?

Writing (stories and blog posts mostly)YogaGiving advicePlanning and organising myselfCookingJournalingReadingHonesty and emotional vulnerabilityExplaining how I feelMeditatingCleaningIdea generation and creating new worldsSelf-motivationTypingEditing and proofreading

Please go ahead and make a list/definition for yourself and see what you’re good at without the need for external validation and approval. Don’t let gatekeepers and the opinions of others decide what you are good at!

Sincerely,

S. xx