S.R. Crawford's Blog, page 5

Survival of the fittest – adapt or fail!

Survival of the fittest is all about adaptation, right? The species that can adapt is most likely to survive because habitats and food chains and climates change, so if the species can change too, they will become extinct. Simple.

Humans adapt all the time without realising it. We adapted to a highly technological world which didn’t exist some forty-fifty years ago on the scale it does now. I’m only 29 and the smart phone didn’t exist when I was a kid, yet everyone has one now and uses them relentlessly.

(We could argue that we haven’t truly adapted because there’s a lot of mental health problems due to the sudden rise in technology. I’ve seen studies saying that it’s not good for our brain to have gone from only knowing about 150 people to seeing into the lives of thousands and thousands, but that’s a post for another time!)

Yet, when it comes to our day to day living, not a lot of us are comfortable with adaptation and flexible thinking. Some of us beat ourselves up for not reaching a goal or following a habit, then give up all together. When really, we just need to adapt.

I said I wanted to do the park runs every week, right? Well, I’m going to, just not in the way it sounds. It’s perfectly okay, I’ve realised, to show up to do the park run and just…walk! Gasp! There are plenty of people who walk the park runs every week. And are happy doing so. There are plenty of people, like my husband, who complete it in record times. Great for them. And then there’s plenty of people in the middle, like me, who will do very slow jogs, or a mixture of walking and jogging, or do a variety across different weeks. And that’s okay.

The point of the park run is to be active and get outside. By doing a brisk walk, I’m doing just that. Today, I’m on my period and I’m a bit rundown from a long week. There should be nothing wrong with adapting to do my best with what my body can manage today.

That’s the key thing to remember with your goals, your dreams and your habits: your best will look different each day, and that’s perfectly okay.

So whatever your plans are, remember that you can still fulfil them even when things go wrong or you’re not up to it; you just need to get creative and think of a way to adapt the plan.

Wanted to write 1k on computer – write a page on your notebook

Wanted to go for a run – go for a brisk walk

Wanted to go away to Spain – go away to a city in your country that you’ve never visited before

Wanted to save £1000 – save £100

Every little helps!

Sincerely,

S. Xx

Old friends knocking at the door

I know Insomnia, she is an old friend. Insomnia and I would face the darkness together each night, tucked up in bed, watching the walls for shadows. She and I would make up these stories about monsters and villains, and then my heart would race and I’d pull the blanket over my head, toes curled up. She made me realise I had so much to do, so much to think about and there was no time for sleep because I had to think. Think, think, think…

I know Guilt, she is an old friend. Guilt and I would navigate social situations with turbulence. She would sit in my gut and rock it from side to side. She would force my hand to do things I didn’t want to do. She pointed out that I was a good little girl and I would be amenable and do as I was told and it was my job to make everyone happy. Otherwise, she said, I was the villain. You’re not allowed to make others unhappy or inconvenienced, she said.

I know Fear, she is an old friend. Fear and I would spent every second of every day together. Every. Second. Of. Every. Day. There were days when I forgot where Fear started and I ended. Our beings fused together. Her thoughts were my thoughts. Her non-actions were mine. Fear told me it was better to hold back, stay here with her, where it was safe. Better to be safe than sorry. Better to shrink. Better to live so small you’re nothing at all.

I know Depression, she is an old friend. Depression and I would spend days in bed, watching tv, what a hoot! Except she wasn’t a very fun friend and she wouldn’t like it if I tried to laugh or be entertained. She held me down and wouldn’t let me leave. She held me in a chokehold because I was hers and no one else could enjoy me. No one else could reach through the fog and grab me. Depression held my shoulders too tight and pulled my mouth down and closed my eyes to the world.

My old friends are threatening me. Though our friendships ended, they visit me sometimes, trying to reconnect.

“Hey, let’s hang out!” They say.

As much as I swat them away, telling them that I’m hanging out with my new friends – Exercise, Family, Yoga, Journalling, Meditating, Dog Walks, Writing, Changing Routine – they still knock. They insist they be let in. Their knocks are getting more persistent.

Maybe I should let them in. I’m tired of fighting them.

But then my newest friend speaks loudly, placing a gentle hand on my shoulder, “You’ve worked too hard to give in now. Keep up your new friendships, don’t let them back in.”

Intuition is a well-meaning, good friend, but she doesn’t know how hard it is. She doesn’t know that I’ve been hanging out with them in secret for years, even after I ended the relationships. She’s a busy friend and doesn’t always have time for me. It’s okay. But when she comes, I do feel held. Safe. Certain. Awake. She makes me feel all the things the others don’t. Things I want to feel all the time.

But maybe that’s the problem. I can’t have only one friend. I need many, for different things in my life. And some friends won’t always be kind. As long as I remain aware, perhaps I can tell them when they’re being unkind and take some distance. Maybe I can –

Knock, knock

Knock, knock

Knock, knock

Knock, knock

Sincerely,

S. xx

My mistake!

Assuming I knew bestNot joining clubs and putting myself out there to make and maintain likeminded friendshipsGoing to sleep angry instead of fixing things Publishing my books too early (creating an expectation and desperation too soon in my writing journey)Not keeping up my athletics/sports Not reading more during teen and early adulthoodNot trying to travel sooner Staying inside too much Watching tv while on my phone instead of connecting with my partner Calling my dog a naughty boy when he’s such a good boy!Eating all that crap food that’s slowly destroying my body Not wearing the dress when I wanted to and always reaching for the comfy, non-threatening outfit Scrolling on Instagram when I feel bad about myself Not writing more often and passionately and submitting my work to publications Not doing Open University sooner Being on my phone late at night Overplucking my eyebrows Comparing myself to, well, everyone! but mostly that I compare myself to my siblings and cousins Beating myself up so often Not going for things that interest me and instead just talking myself out of themNot saying I love you enough times Always trying to go home when time when loved ones is precious and numbered

I will make some of these mistakes again, I’m sure. Hopefully, I’ve learned from some of them, though. Mistakes are a part of life. They’re lessons, if we pay attention to them.

So my advice, just pay attention, and acknowledge a mistake with humility.

Sincerely,

S. xx

The Truth About Growth

I’ve been thinking about zones of control, decisions/choices and going with the flow lately. This summer hasn’t been the fun-filled productive break from winter sadness that I wanted and needed it to be. But when things come along to shake up your world and change your life, you have to remind yourself of what you can control and what you can’t.

This removes some pressure. I can’t control others, but I can control my own actions and reactions (though it’s tough).

Then there’s our decisions. I can decide to do this or that or the other, but I must decide. Leaving things unresolved just feels weighty, even if it may feel safer than making the “wrong decision”. But I liked what a youtuber said yesterday, “the universe doesn’t set you up to make a decision that would ruin your life forever”. There’s something very comforting about that and I choose to believe it.

Because yes, sometimes we can walk a path that doesn’t work out the way we thought it would, but that doesn’t mean we can’t either make another decision to create change, or make the most of what we have. Nearly every decision or choice can be adjusted to suit us or changed completely. And every choice we make and path we take gives us feedback for making more informed decisions the next time.

When we know better, we choose better.

And alongside the decisions are boundaries. We must decide what we will accept and what we won’t. Then be firm in communicating that. When we let others walk all over our boundaries, we are disrespecting our own time, energy and happiness. Boundaries are simply an assertive tool for showing people how they can love you (or care and respect you) and you can love (care or respect) them best.

Then lastly, there’s nothing else left but to go with the flow with everything else in life. We can’t control the rain, but we can choose to wear our favourite boots and dance under our umbrella (literally and metaphorically!).

Sometimes, we need to let go and ride the wave. I have things I want and need to do this summer. Things that are very important to me. But there’s things out of my control that are making my plans less simple. All I can do is remind myself of my zones of control. Then, I can decide when and how I’m willing to give my time and energy to those other things going on. Lastly, I need to be flexible and adapt, ensuring I still find a way of progressing, just to a different degree because of what’s going on. If I’m resistant instead, and resentful, cursing fate, all it does is cause me further stress and upset.

The truth of it…

I struggle with all of this! I’m sharing it because I know that it’s a healthy way to live your life. But it’s a post to remind myself, as much as it is advice to you.

I struggle with saying no to people. I struggle with anyone being mad at me or disappointed. I want people to be happy and it makes me happy to be the one to do it. Or rather, I feel heroic. I realised about 4 years ago that I had a hero complex growing up because I was the peacekeeper in my household. That grew into feeling the need to save everyone. Then needing to please everyone.

I think I learned growing up that my place was being the good girl who made everyone happy. That in order to belong, that was my job because I didn’t have anything else to give.

I’ve struggled with belonging and friendship so goddamn much in my life. But through reading Brene Brown books, I’ve learned that there’s a very big difference between fitting in and belonging. If I belong, I shouldn’t ever have to fulfil a criteria to exist. I should just be me, and I will be accepted by the pack.

Since realising that, I’ve tried to work against it. Sometimes I feel utterly selfish though. That not showing up for everyone’s every need makes me a monster. I say no, feel proud that I said no, but then continue to beat myself up for it. And if another person shows up for that person, I feel guilty and annoyed, thinking it should have been me.

There’s a lot more that I could say about this topic, but that would mean going deeper and that’s too personal for this blog! But I shared it because I know that it’s so easy to say something or know something, but very hard to actually do it. I’ve done a lot of self development and I think I’m better at communicating my needs and knowing myself, but that doesn’t change the icky feelings I still get that are a residue of my past beliefs that were not serving me. A part of healing and growing and changing is this limbo in between where you still struggle and you still feel like you’re doing the wrong thing, even when you’re trying to do the healthier things.

And that’s okay. Keep trying. That’s all we can do. And don’t expect perfection! Ever!

Sincerely,

S. xx

Do we have true hobbies anymore?

Hobbies and personal projects are important. They can break up the routine monotony of working and familial life. It’s like the splash of colour, the icing on the cake of everyday life.

Google definition of a hobby, “an activity done regularly in one’s leisure time for pleasure.”

Trouble is, a lot of us feel the need to monetise or share our hobbies online, to the point where it becomes more serious. When it’s done in this way, I’d argue it’s not a hobby anymore. It’s not just a fun project that’s for you. It becomes something that’s for others. Or something that you want to serve another purpose.

Don’t get me wrong, that’s not a bad thing! It’s beautiful and exciting when something you did just for fun can make you money or provide you with an audience. It means you get to do something you love professionally. Not everyone gets to do that. But once you’re doing it professionally, it’s not a hobby anymore. It’s your profession, your career, even your job.

So that means you may need something else to come along and fill that leisure gap. A different hobby that you do that’s just for fun, pleasure and relaxation.

Writing hasn’t been a hobby for me for a long time. I don’t make money from my blog, but I do have a small audience and I do hope to one day expand that audience. However, I don’t take my blog too seriously. I want it to be an outlet. A way to share my voice without gatekeepers or perfection. So in a way, the blog is a hobby. Novel writing though, not at all.

Reading is my hobby, but I get stressed out when I’m not reading fast enough! I’m off work for summer, so naturally I planned to read a lot more. But that’s not worked out. I’m only just nearing the end of my first book and we’re on week 3! Plus, reading is technically part of my job as a writer. It’s a way to know the craft and the market. I love the quote that for a writer, “reading is breathing in, and writing is breathing out”.

Yoga is my hobby. It’s very fun and relaxing. However, I do take it seriously. It’s a healthy habit I ensure I tick off everyday, if not every other day. It’s also something I’m actively trying to get better at. Again, that’s fine. That in itself doesn’t stop it being a hobby, but I would argue it’s starting to step into the realms of being something perhaps more?

Journalling is a hobby of mine, but when you do something for your health (like with yoga), does it still count as a hobby? I definitely enjoy journaling and don’t force myself to do it just for health reasons, but again, it toes the line.

Running and cycling could be my hobby because I don’t do them all the time, I find them fun, and it’s a leisurely activity instead of being too serious. But again, it’s for my health! When something is about health and wellness, it’s less of a hobby to me. I doubt I’d go running long distances (5km is long for me), if I didn’t know it was good for me. And I always look at the stats for my running, so clearly it’s not just for fun.

My point is, I don’t know that I have a real hobby! Something that is 100% just for pleasure, leisure and relaxation that means nothing more than those things. Something that I’m not trying to monetise, be celebrated for, or do for health reasons. Something that is just pure indulgence, freedom and excitement. And this is vitally important. I wonder, in this modern world, is it harder to have a hobby that’s just a hobby anymore? Is everything about side hustles and monetisation and growing on social media in a niche?

There’s an account on Instagram or TikTok and the like for everything that used to be just a hobby…

ReadingGardeningCrochetingCollectingPaintingClimbingTravellingPhotography Scrapbooking Fandoms Thrifting Upcycling things Glassblowing Carpentry CyclingSkating

Again, there’s nothing wrong with this. It’s provided so many people with a means of sharing their passion, finding likeminded people, getting better at the skill, and finding a career in it. It’s fantastic.

I just mourn for that freedom, that ability to do a thing just because. For it to remain precious and yours without anyone knowing or without you stressing about making it into something worthy. I worry that we’ve gotten to a point where we no longer think it’s okay to do things just for us. That anything that’s not shared online or monetised is a waste of time.

No wonder so many of us can’t relax. We’ve lost our pleasure for pleasures sake.

That’s quite sad.

Sincerely,

S. xx

Time laughs on

Time is not our friend. When we’re young, we have all the time in the world. But as the years tick by, you realise this was never true. None of us have time. Time has us. It toys with us. It runs from us. No one knows how much time they have to use, but you best believe we’ll all waste it.

If clocks and calendars, sundials and hourglasses, had never been invented, would we have such an existential problem with time?

For time doesn’t exist, and yet it controls all of us. We are its puppets, time the evil puppeteer. We’re soldiers marching to oblivion. Blinded by lies and fickle hope that if we’re good little soldiers, we’ll be rewarded.

I ask you: what is the reward?

Use time well, serve your time, and what will happen? You’ll be happy? Happiness isn’t and can’t be the result of time well spent over a lifetime. It can only be the feeling one has during the borrowing of time in that moment.

The present is all that exists. The past is just mixed up, edited memories. The future something we can never grasp, like whispers of smoke ever out of reach. The present moment, ever shifting, is all we have. Yet none of us reside here.

Oh no, we lie anxiously in the bosom of the past, suckling at its blackened, poisonous teet. We want the past to sustain us, all the rose-tinted memories we never want to forget, or the horrible unchangeable memories that we think we can rewrite, if only we go over it one more time.

Then there’s those on the treadmill racing racing racing towards the elusive future. They never took a moment to look down at their feet, realising they’re going nowhere. No, they’d rather keep running. They need it. Because to stop would mean they don’t get that prize that waits for them at the end of the rainbow. Their mantra, “I will be happy when…”

Those who don’t live in the present time, are in limbo. They aren’t living. We’re already halfway to dead.

The person in the past is tired. The person in the future is tired. And time laughs on. A great booming laugh because it has captured yet another generation of people. Mocked us from birth to death. Because we never do learn.

I hope that time turns around and looks upon your face today, as you look upon his, and says, “oh, you’re actually here. How about that?”

Sincerely,

S. xx

Daring Greatly

Difficult things are only difficult until you do them. Then, they may still be hard, but you now know you’re capable of them.

I did the park run yesterday. I ran my fastest 5km ever.

The stats and numbers that comes with athletics or sport can become addictive and somewhat problematic. Would I have felt bad if I’d ran my slowest 5km yesterday in the park? I was told I was the 80th person to finish, the 27th female and all the rest. These things, when you’re not careful, can take away from the achievement.

I ran the track all the way without stopping as an amateur runner, that’s amazing, end of story.

How obsessed we get with numbers! They are cool and they can motivate us, sure, but like I said, we just need to be careful that we don’t forget why we’re doing what we’re doing in the first place. To never forget to celebrate the small wins that are very big.

Watching the Olympics, I find myself saying aloud that these incredible athletes should be proud that they’re even there. Proud that they gave it their all, regardless of the result. Just because someone was better, it doesn’t mean that they didn’t do a fantastic job doing what not many other people can do.

They should celebrate even when they don’t get gold.

We should celebrate even when we don’t get gold. Because many people don’t even step into the race of life anyway.

As I read in Daring Greatly by Brene Brown, which she quoted from Theodore Roosevelt…

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds…who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

I’m not sure I dared greatly yesterday, but I did something I found scary and I achieved something. That’s pretty great.

I dare you to dare greatly, even if you find defeat, you’re still incredible for being in the arena.

Sincerely,

S. xx

Keeping promises to yourself

I’m doing my first park run today. I can run 5km but it’s not an easy run for me like it is for “runners”. Ideally, I’d like to have park runs every Saturday morning become my norm. Sadly, a part of me knows it won’t be.

There’s always an excuse with me. Too tired. Hurting from another workout. It’s raining. I can’t be bothered to get there. 5km is too far. There’s too many people. I can just do it on my own, why bother with others.

Blah blah blah

I hate that this isn’t the only thing. There’s so many things I’ve said I’ve wanted to do or thought would be good for me and maybe I do them for a brief time, but they hardly ever stick. Is this just normal? Does it mean those things weren’t serving me? Or is it that I’m the problem?

It’s most likely me! I’m the problem, it’s me!

But I do like that I’m a trier. For most things, if it really interests me, even if I’m scared, I’ll still try at least once. There’s only a handful of things that interest me that I still haven’t tried. But hopefully, one day I’ll get the courage.

Why the park runs then? Sense of community; inspiration to keep up my running goals; not neglecting my body’s potential; a “third place” which is a concept that fascinates me and I’ll talk about more another day; good way to start the weekend; and something to do with my husband (although, we won’t run together because he’s much taller and faster so that wouldn’t make sense!).

I’ve really been thinking about my health this year. Perhaps years before, too, but more seriously this year. Someone close to me got very suddenly sick and having to visit the hospital so often, I’ve been confronted by the reality of the fragility of humans. Even seemingly healthy people can suddenly be defeated.

I want to prevent this as much as I can. There’s only so much that’s within our control and healthy choices is one of those things. I can choose what I put into my body and whether I move my body. And I must, while I still can, before I get a preventable illness or disease that changes my life forever.

It’s a great and terrifying motivator.

But I want to do it right. When you do things in extremes, they tend to not last very long (probably my biggest problem with past pursuits). So I’m keeping it realistic and small.

Run once a week (ideally a park run).

Do yoga as much as possible (luckily this is already a habit)

Ride my bike more often (at least once or twice a month)

Take longer walks

Do strength training more often (at least once or twice a month)

Then there’s my diet. Not dieting! Never! But being conscious of my diet. What I put into my body. This is harder yet simpler, in a way?! Half a plate of fruit or veg, less processed foods and less salty/sugary foods. Simple, right? Easy when you’re motivated, sometimes harder when it’s a Wednesday evening and you’re tired.

When being realistic, you need to think long term. It’s somewhat easy to build habits over summer, especially if you’re off work like me. But I need to think about what I’m realistically going to do when the seasons change and I’m tired being back at work. When it’s the cold dark months and outdoors feels like a chore. What will I actually show up for? And being adaptable is key. What will I do instead of the main goal to still keep close to the habit?

I don’t want to be saying the same things to myself a year from now. I don’t want to be motivating myself to do park runs again. I don’t want to be scolding myself for eating crap and feeling crap again. Because the annoying thing is, I feel good when I look after myself and it’s not that hard! I’m not asking for a switch to veganism and 7-days a week workouts at the gym. I’m asking for something small to better care for myself. I truly believe that a lot of my problems could be fixed or made better with this health plan: my mental health, sleep, creativity, mood, energy and digestion.

I hope I can show up for myself and keep promises to myself.

I hope I can respect my body.

Sincerely,

S. xx

Gratitude List

Lie insDogsSunny mornings Rainy afternoonsFlowy dresses My health My family’s health A perfect yoga flow Cinema visits Creative ideas NHS Animations People who care about meA hot beverage The ability to travel Trains Having gone to Japan The kindness of strangersComfy chairs When your hair sits just right Time off from workCompliments My homeMy job and the income it providesMy stories NostalgiaDay tripsSongs you can’t help but sing Good food Long hugs

Sincerely,

S. xx

There are no podiums here

It’s important to take note of those moments when you feel most confident. When you feel most comfortable and expressive. What topics do you know the most about? What people do you open up to the most? What environments make you feel calm? This is all great feedback.

This is the you that you want to be most, right?

I feel like more often than not, I’m tired! I’m low on energy. I’m quiet or shy. I’m hesitant. I’m lost. I’m uncomfortable or on edge. I’m upset or anxious. I feel like I’m always analysing myself and being self critical.

I think my trouble is, I’m so aware of myself in comparison to others.

How does my outfit look compared to hers?

Will my answer be as clever as theirs?

They probably have more to say about that thing so I won’t say anything.

They will be better at that so I won’t bother.

It’s all a competition to me. And I’m nearly always losing. Why? It’s so exhausting. And you know what, why does it matter so much to lose, anyway? Because the problem isn’t just that I’m making up these competitions in my head, and that I put myself last, but also that I hate myself for being last. I somehow simultaneously think I’m better than others while also knowing I’m not and hating myself for not stacking up!

But who cares?

There’s always someone smarter, prettier, funnier, cooler, more flexible, more accomplished, more travelled, harder working and so on. Always. And that has to be okay.

Ideally, I won’t make up these competitions at all but if I do feel in competition, or it’s a literal place of comparison, like a quiz setting, I need to know it’s okay not to come out first.

I have the insatiable need to be perceived as the best. I need to win. I need to impress. It’s toxic. It ruins my chance at real connection.

There’s so much to be learned from other people. Jealousy and comparison are feedback. It tells you what you wish you were or had. What you wish you were good at. And then those who are healthy minded, will then go and ask that person who bested them how they did it.

I’ve been watching the Olympics this summer and it’s so inspiring but also reminds me of what I lost. I once said I was going to be an Olympic athlete. That I’d do the 100m sprint and the high jump. I was so athletic: fast and strong. I had a taste of that again this year during the students’ sports day at the school I work in. We got to do the staff relay and though my team mates face planted the floor instead of getting very far, I decided to still run my fastest! People came up to me at the end saying how fast I was. I’m not going to lie, I loved it. I’d forgotten how euphoric that feeling was. Though my quads ached for over a week after, it was worth it! I had something I was good at again. I impressed people. It felt good.

Is that so bad?

There’s nothing wrong with thinking you’re good at something and trying to prove it. That’s what the Olympics is all about. But there’s a huge difference between a gracious loser and a sore one. I’ve seen it. I respect those athletes who shake the hands and bow down to those who beat them, and maybe try to ask for advice, more than those who throw a tantrum when they don’t get what they thought was theirs.

I throw tantrums, but I need to learn to bow down graciously.

Things I need to learn and practice:

Learning from others instead of getting defensive or assuming I’m right or just berating myself for being wrongListening to others properly to gain knowledge Accepting and believing first: I might be wrong about this and that’s okay If I want to be good at something, get good! Don’t just say it and pout; practice Being wrong is an opportunity for growth Always be a learnerThe art of disagreement Knowing that I have my strengths and they have theirs and it’s all okay That competition and comparison is often all arbitrary anyway and subjective and relative and it doesn’t matter to anyone anyway but me half the time!!

There are no podiums in life, so stop trying to climb up to first place. Enjoy being among the triers and you will live a healthier life.

Sincerely

S. xx