S.R. Crawford's Blog, page 4

Sunday night gratitude and reflection

I’m grateful for the weekend I’ve had. I’m grateful that the roads weren’t bad and we got there safely. I’m grateful I was able to sleep and be more sociable the next day. I grateful for the special people in my life who make it that little bit more interesting. I’m grateful for the clear skies. I’m grateful for my husband driving us for 3 hours. I’m grateful for my beautiful niece and nephew. I’m grateful for books. I’m grateful for nature.

There’s a healing aspect to nature. Sea, sand, forests and lakes. We got a snapshot of all these this weekend, and for that, I’m feeling very blessed. Not everyone has to opportunity to take a trip. It’s easy to look at other people’s lives and be sad that you don’t get to go to Bora Bora or Mauritius, but even a little trip down to the seaside in your home country with the family can have everything you didn’t know you needed.

That’s the power of gratitude: it shifts your perspective. You see what you do have, rather than everything you don’t. My counsellor reminded me of this on Friday: that I spend so much energy on all the things I don’t have and don’t do, instead of celebrating all that I have now that I already worked hard to achieve.

It’s Sunday night, I’m tired. I won’t complicate this more. Gratitude, it’s as simple as that. Be thankful for what you do have, and what you have done, and watch the weight of expectations drop from your shoulders.

Sincerely,

S. xx

Ruining things for ourselves

Expectations are a dangerous thing. I think it’s one of the biggest causes of misery. We expect things of ourselves, others, and our lives and then we get disappointed when those expectations aren’t met. It can also work negatively by expecting something to be bad or to go wrong, when actually it might be the greatest thing you do.

My counsellor spoke to me about expectations and the pressure I’m putting myself under. That I need to let them go and rethink what I expect from myself. I think I also need to be careful what I expect from others and how my life will play out. I can’t know what’s behind every door. I can’t predict and plan and perfect my life. I can’t expect anything. I can only live each next step as best I can.

This weekend I went away to Bournemouth with my family. I expected it to be tiring (I was right!). I expected I’d struggle socially and become anxious (I was partly right). I expected I’d have to run and hide (I was wrong). If I’d let these expectations be too loud in my mind, I wouldn’t have come. I would have ruined the opportunity for myself. How sad is that?

I’ve had a lovely day today. Started with a park run in a new location and got an average time (exciting even though it was tiring and scary). Then we went to the beach where I went in the sea. Then we had a garden party which was great vibes.

My mental health has taken a bit of a dip this week, but I know how I need to correct this for the last two weeks of my summer break. I need to let go of the expectations and pressure. I can do anything, but not everything at once. And that’s okay. As my counsellor said, sometimes life gets in the way. I’m ambitious and want to change my life, but that change won’t come in the right way, and I won’t appreciate it when it does, if I’m rushing and burning myself out. That’s a big lesson I’ve learned this summer, though it’s hard to swallow.

I need to remember that I ruin things when I squeeze the life out of them. Doing things too much or too hard or too routinely can drain the life out of it. The same goes for trying to do too much, balancing too many plates, it just means everything you’re doing is done to half quality. What’s the point? Why ruin things for yourself when you can instead focus, do one or two things well, and then tick them off before starting a new project? You have that pace and grace to appreciate and honour your work that way. It just makes sense, right?

So I’m taking more off my to-do list for now, revisiting my goals, adding some new ideas to use things I’ve already done in new ways, and I’m relaxing! I’ll be back to work, back to the grind, before I know it. Let me take this last bit of the summer break to, gasp, have a break!

Sincerely,

S. xx

Panic

(TRIGGER WARNING FOR ANXIETY)

Overwhelming rush of blood surges through your body. This isn’t unfamiliar. A old friend turned foe. The rising from your stomach to your chest, you’re sure you’re going to vomit. Vomit all the black stuff that sits inside you, poisoning you. When did this black monstrosity get inside? What did you eat? It has grow while you thought it slumbered. It’s coming back with a vengeance. Spiky limbs, too many to count.

But you haven’t thrown up, not yet. It’s waiting for the perfect moment to strike.

Instead, you lie there, made numb and stiff as the rigor mortis sets in. You are dying. You’re sure of it. Or perhaps that’s what you want, so you don’t have to feel this anymore. Your breath burns in your chest, there’s too much trapped there and you realise you haven’t taken a proper breath in seconds that feel like hours and so it splits out of you but the burning only subsides for a moment before it’s back again. Each inhale lengthy, each exhale short. You don’t remember how to do this. A black river runs down your face from your eyes, clogging your ears, pouring into your mouth.

You realise so many truths all at once, the main being that you can’t do this. Of course you can’t. Life’s too hard and you’re too soft. It seems so many others were equipped to deal with this game, but you haven’t any pieces; no instructions, no answers. You drift through hoping that something, anything, will anchor you. Pretending that you know what you’re doing. You’re less than amateur. You’re a fraud. Playing at adulthood. Playing at life. Giving advice when you feel utterly lost and messed up inside.

What a joke.

Maybe that’s where it comes from, the fear of being found out. How can you be 29 and not know what you’re doing? Not know what you want next? Society knows! It’s told you plenty. All you have to do is perform. That’s it. Just fall in line and perform. Dance, monkey, dance! Perform. Knees up, toes pointed, twirl, twirl, twirl. No, not like that! Like them. Silly girl. You just aren’t cut out for this, are you?

Maybe your destiny is going back to your mother’s house, a failure with your tail between your legs, waiting to get old, waiting for an excuse not to have to perform this dance anymore.

Sincerely,

S. xx

(If you relate to this post, seek help and support. I know I’m not alone, even though it feels that way, and nor are you)

Letting go of projects (for now)

Yesterday evening I was writing in my journal and realised I needed to let go of my expectations of my summer productivity. It was hard but necessary. I had lofty goals for summer. 6 whole weeks off from work feels like so much time. And it is; I’m so grateful for it. But the time goes quicker than you think. I’m almost done with week 4 but it still feels like it’s week 2!

Trouble is, things haven’t gone my way. I didn’t realise when originally planning my summer that things would be this way for my family and for my body. So, as I said in one of my other posts, I’ve had to accept and adapt. Now, however, I see the need to remove things from my to do list altogether. For my mental and physical health.

It sucks, it does. But things have unfolded the way they have and I can’t control everything. It would be doing myself, my family and my goals a disservice to still try to do everything. It’s just not possible, and it’s not fair to myself.

It’s important to point out that the trouble with our to do lists and many ongoing projects is that even when we’re not actively doing them, we’re still using mental energy thinking about them. It’s like a red flashing light in the corner of the room, you can’t ignore it. Then if you’re not as productive with it as you wanted to be, you beat yourself constantly about that. That’s a lot of mental energy being drained that has an effect on your physical state too.

The way I’ve reframed it and accepted it, though, is as having things to still look forward to even when I’m back at work. Yes, I’ll have much less free time to get big projects done, but I can slowly chip away at them while still working. In fact, it will hopefully make going back to work less daunting, knowing I still have some exciting projects to work on before the end of the year.

I’ve also made some goals “before I’m 30” goals. So I’ve extended the deadline to April 2025. It’s important to have deadlines, so that you don’t relax too much and become lazy, but it’s also important to be flexible. To be mindful of what’s possible and fair to yourself.

Trouble is, I’m human! I have limits of the mind and body and time isn’t on my side. People aren’t under my control. There’s things that steal me away and halt my progress. I’ve come down with headaches lately, eye pain, jaw tension, right shoulder and wrist pain. A lot of my projects require me to use my arm, so it’s only natural that it is fatigued when it has always been sensitive and weaker anyway. If I push, I could cause permanent damage.

I’d rather things take longer and are better, than rush and injure myself or make things a horrid experience.

So yes, I’m letting go of some projects this summer. I’m admitting defeat! With less on my to do list, hopefully I can do the other things better, too.

Mantras to make peace with this:

Less is more

Focus and prioritise

Better 100% on something than 10% on many things

You can do anything, not everything

You still have time

Sincerely,

S. xx

What I’ve Learned About My Reading Tastes This Summer

I’ve suspected for a while that my reading tastes are not what I once thought they were. I used to read fantasy, as I write fantasy. But when I really thought about it, I realised I don’t often finish fantasy books and rate them highly. This summer, I decided to experiment with my writing style, and research and experiment with my reading tastes, too. The results have been interesting!

What broke the reading slump?

I wanted to read a lot of my more literary and longer books during summer, as I had the free time. But no! That didn’t work out because my brain was rejecting them. Instead, the book that did get me reading more, and I actually managed to finish in week 3 of the holiday, was Malibu Rising by Taylor Jenkins Reid. After this book, I trust TJR with my reading! I will read anything she writes. I read Evelyn Hugo I think last year or the year before, and enjoyed that too. She writes brilliant characters. Her novels are character studies (which I’ll talk about more in a minute).

I then struggled with what to read next! Then boom, I took a day to sort my reading and I started Normal People by Sally Rooney and blasted through it. Again, it’s a character study. So this helped me realise some big things…

Genre

I’ve realised that genre doesn’t matter so much as narrative style, formatting, tone, and voice for me. I actually like a lot of different genres: thrillers, fantasy, adventure, literary, contemporary, historical fiction, memoirs, children’s, and even some romance! So for me, it’s not about knowing what genre or sub-genre I like, it’s about knowing more about the book to know what elements will make it more readable and enjoyable for me. Which leads me onto my next point…

Narration & Voice

Narration is about HOW the story is told. Not everyone considers this but how the story is told is way more important to me, I realise, that what it’s about or what genre it is. Here are some things I think come under narration:

Point of view: third person omniscient (God-like all-knowing voice), third person limited (focus shifts to be on one character), first person (I, me, we), or the rarely used second person (you)Linear or non-linear: is it told in chronological order, or flicks back and forth through time and place?Plot-driven or character-driven: is it mostly about what happens or how the characters feel about what’s happening?Episodic and fragmented: is the novel more like short stories threaded together?Multiple POV: more than one character telling the storyLiterary, classic, simple, character voice: how does it sound? is it more purple prose, traditional, cut to the bare bones, or does it capture the character’s voice in a unique way, i.e. a child’s voice, uses slang, written how a person would speak like with misspelled words and an accentLength and Pacing: is the story very long? this will effect the pacing, thus the narrative feel, and how enjoyable it is

There’s more I can’t think of right now, but this is crucial information for me. Enter my new BFF, ChatGPT! Now, this isn’t about the ethics of AI or about how it may be stealing our jobs, but I’ve found ChatGPT useful for things like this where it gathers lots of information and condenses it for my needs. I’ve been asking this app about books, and it’s helped me more than any other site or book recs video. ChatGPT helps me to know this information before deciding to buy or read a book.

The blurb is actually quite limited. It doesn’t tell you crucial things. I think anyone could enjoy a story about a girl learning to become a swimmer after her dad died at sea (I made this up, but this sounds powerful, someone write this!), but it’s about HOW this story would be told that makes the difference to whether we enjoy it. Some people love and need a story to be told linearly, with first person narration, and to take place across a year. Others need multiple POVs and changes in time, flashing back and forth to stitch together a mosaic of story. But this information isn’t on the blurb, necessarily, so you need to use other tools.

So I’ve learned that I love character studies. I love stories that are about deep, realistic characters. It doesn’t matter where it’s set, what happens, or anything else, but if it’s character focused and those characters are interesting to me, I’m sold. I like non-linear stories, a literary-simple mix, and am likely to get through something quicker if it’s episodic or multiple POV. I love reading about humans and the depth of life in an interesting tale of hope. I like books that feel different. Books that break the rules and play with expectations. Books that are a bit quirky and a breath of fresh air.

I’m so glad I know that now!

Breaks

Lastly, I’ve learned that it’s okay, and perhaps necessary, to take breaks from reading. Gasp! I really do struggle with this. I have a painful awareness of the number of books out there that I want to read. This means there’s no time for stopping or going slow! However, this ruins to experience and doesn’t allow time for a book to digest and mean something to me. It also goes against my desired attitude for my life (slowness, peace, mindfulness).

Taking a break means you are better able to make a good decision about what to read next, too.

Plan going forwards

I know what authors I’ve enjoyed lately, so I asked my book BFF ChatGPT for authors like these, and I now have a list to look out for. I have also written a list of the types of books I believe I enjoy, not the genres or specific events or settings I’m looking for. I also use Story Graph, where I already log my reading, to help me see patterns in what I like and rate highly. Story Graph helps because it categorises books by tone, length, and mood. As I said, this is crucial information for choosing what to read.

Here is my list, if you’re interested, of what I’m now looking for:

Exploration of family dynamicsThought provokingDarker aspects of classMystery and suspenseEmotional depthCultural tensionsMagical realismBighearted/WholesomeResilience and hopeHuman quest for belongingSocial classHuman conditionIntrospectivePower of friendshipJourney of self discoveryChildhood and memoryTraumaExploration of mental healthCharacter drivenHuman spiritGrief (but in a hopeful or artful way)FunnyImmigrant experienceIdentityStruggle with selfhoodSearch for connectionDarker aspects of human naturePlatonic relationshipsOld grumpy person’s life is changed by meeting a special younger person i.e. like A Man Called Ove or The Reading ListBooks about books and readingBooks about writers and writingNostalgia for the 90s and early 00sChildhood friendshipsChanging friendshipsFound familyEpistolary novels (written in letters or journal entries or interviews)Episodic novelsNovels told across time/ flashbacksSibling dynamicsInner conflict with cultural norms and traditions

Authors to sample (because they’re like authors I enjoy already)

Tessa HadleyJojo MoyesElena FerranteNina LaCourRebecca SerleDavid Nichols

(Because they’re genre blending or genre breaking authors of speculative fiction)

China MelvilleN K JemisonPatrick RothfussUrsula K LeGuinMark Z DanielewskiDavid Mitchell

What have you enjoyed reading lately? Let me know!

Sincerely,

S. xx

Is critiquing creative work almost pointless?

Critiquing art is not my favourite. I do it naturally. I think we all do. But I don’t like it. When I’m self aware, I get an icky feeling. Someone worked hard (probably) on this thing and here we are just tearing it apart. It’s unkind.

But more importantly, it’s nonsensical really! Art is so personal. It’s so subjective. One person’s masterpiece is another person’s trash. Some people love tropey stories with archetypal characters in standard, cliche settings. Others want something that breaks the norm. Neither of us is “right”. Neither of us has “better” tastes.

The snobs think they’re right, though! There is definitely a lot of classism in art criticism. Gatekeepers in book publishing decide what is worthy and what is not. The paid critics and awards committees deem themselves worthy to decide on what’s the best. But who says they’re “right”? Why do they get to decide? I might be wrong but I highly doubt very many low income, people of colour with a public school education only are sitting on these committees or in these publishing houses. Well, unless they need a sensitivity reader, or course.

Anyway, art is tricky. As a writer myself, I know how hard it is to appeal to others. I also know how good it feels when you do. That’s why I’m careful when critiquing sometimes. Even if I hated something, and I feel it was poorly made, that doesn’t mean I get to definitively deem it bad. There are, of course, some rules to book publishing. Some standard expectations. But even some books break those norms, to wide appeal, so…

Art is creativity finding a home. It’s self expression’s playground.

Then the question is: when someone puts their creativity and self expression into art, does it then become okay to critique it? It goes from being some beautiful idea or vision to a tangible thing and once it is tangible, does it then belong to the perceiver? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, well, so is art. So what I perceive it to be is up to me and what you perceive it to be is up to you. Maybe as creators, we need to understand that and accept it?

I think Elizabeth Gilbert said that once a book is published, it’s not yours anymore.

She’s had people say that her book resonated with them and they saw themselves in it. She asked in what part, and then they processed to explain something that from her view, was not in the book at all! This just proves that people see and interpret through their own worldview and therefore appreciate art in their own way.

And that’s beautiful. In a way, the art, artist, and viewer in conversation, creating the art together. The art is ethereal and ever changing. It doesn’t have one set shape. A painting today can be perceived and appreciated very differently fifty years from now. A book written twenty years ago can find an audience of adoring fans suddenly today.

Perception is a funny thing. It can never be defined or understood. Even this post will be interpreted differently by each of you! Wow, how cool; how kind of scary!

Lastly, I’ll say that I’ve been thinking about my reading tastes lately and I realised how unhelpful genre and blurbs are to me! I can almost enjoy any genre and any plot line (the events that happen), but it’s more about HOW it’s written for me to know whether I’ll enjoy it. The same goes for films and tv shows. The how of it is more important, so easily defining and categorising art doesn’t quite work. And maybe we shouldn’t be trying to.

Sincerely,

S. xx

Some more gratitude (to shift unwelcome energy)

Massages (ones where they actually target your knots and sooth them)Tasty well-seasoned vegetable dishes Fans Sun dresses Morning kisses from my dog Good night kisses from my partner A good book that just grips you Fun group gatherings (as opposed to the annoying or tense ones)Summer Silky nightdress That cool breeze that filters through the window Good music Audiobooks (helping me to smash my reading goals even when I’m busy) A good podcast to listen to in the morning Skirts/dress with trainers comboYoga philosophy passed down through generations Finally getting a good sleep after a bout of bad sleep Porridge for breakfast Slow days My breath to calm me downSiblings You lovely readers

Sincerely,

S. xx

Serious work

Business parks are kind of depressing to me. This place where they put all the “serious” workers. Those dedicated to a business so much that they are placed in a village of businesses, cut off from the rest of society. They’re respectable people. Professional wear adorning their rigid bodies. Tights worn too tight, tie tied too tight. Trapped, but serious. The buildings look all the same. A maze of brown roofs and repeated windows. They want us mundanes to get lost.

Do they think this place is made more homely because of the windows? They’re trying to trick their employees into thinking this isn’t so bad because they can see the outside world from their desk. It’s not the same, my friend! And the water features. How on the nose. How very basic. Let them bask in the beauty of water for their 30-60 minute lunch break. That will make working in a village of squares better.

Rows upon rows of cars. Lucky you, paid so well that you can afford a new Audi, or Mercedes or a BMW. Of course, there are family cars and typical first cars, too. You know, the Fiat 500. How exciting that you got a job fresh out of university. Or maybe fresh out of college – go you! And those parents working hard in a box to support their children who don’t appreciate it, because mommy and daddy has to work late, again.

I walk past at 9:12am and it’s silent here. You’re all hard at work inside your squares. We won’t hear from you until about 12-1pm when you’ll sit on the bench by the water feature, on your phone, smoking your cigarette and eating the same sandwich as last time, wondering how you got so lucky.

Sincerely,

S. xx

Discovering myself as a writer this summer

I think what I’ve loved about writing this summer is that it has been a real exploration of my voice as a writer. I’ve had to suppress the urge to fixate on ‘what is this novel about?’ because that, perhaps, doesn’t serve me in the beginning stages of an idea. If an idea is old (you’ve had it for over 6 months) and fleshed out and well-plotted, you will know ‘what it’s about’ or at least what you think it’s about. That may change as you write the draft and edit, but maybe you’ll know that. However, if an idea is fairly new and you didn’t decide to plot it out before writing, then yes, there needs to be that space for the novel, the characters, the themes, the plot to be whatever it wants to be in that act of pure intuitive creation.

That’s fascinating to me.

I’ve always identified with being a plotter, or at least more recently, a discovery drafter with an idea of what’s happening at every stage. This helps me to fast draft quite easily over every summer break from work, but it has also resulted in drafts I feel apathy towards. Stories I feel disconnected from. Maybe this is because I thought I knew what the story was, and on paper it all sounded so cool and made so much logical sense, but it wasn’t me in the story.

Not every writer needs to be in the story. Not every writer needs so much feeling at the centre of their work. Their talents may lie in intricate plot lines, epic battles, gripping dialogue, archetypal characters, or high stakes and intriguing mysteries. However, I’m not sure this is me. I’ve wanted it to be. I’ve tried to be. But maybe I’m realising that my epic stories are just not me, and that’s why there’s this apathy when they’re done.

And the beautiful thing about this writing journey is that I can, and will, change again as a writer later. One day, I may turn back towards epic fantasy or deep dystopians. Maybe I’ll even dabble in a completely new genre or method. It’s actually quite exciting to know that I can write a lot of things, in a lot of ways, and that’s okay.

I’m freeing myself, though it’s tough, by allowing my natural writing voice to take over and see what happens later. I know these drafts will be the shortest and messiest I’ve ever written, but there’s something curious and thrilling about that. I means I get to dive in and rearrange; play and see what I can mould them into.

So yes, I’m scared. It’s weird. I’m going against what I usually do. I feel worried that by the end, I’ll feel like I wasted a summer not writing a detailed draft of 85,000 words that I can brag about! But hopefully what I will have is a lot of feedback. I will know what worked for me and what didn’t. I will be able to say I played with my craft and didn’t stick to the status quo just because it was comfortable and familiar. And best case scenario, I will have something that I look at and go, ‘Huh, it’s messy, but I like it! There’s something here that works. Let’s make this into something to be proud of’.

I’d love to go back to work with something (whether it’s ‘finished’ or not) and be excited to plan my writing around my work days. That I don’t just go back to work and neglect my writing and feel sad because yet again, I finished this great creative feat but feel negative towards it. I want to go back with a plan of action to make creativity a part of my day. I’d love to start my day with writing or editing or even just reading through and exploring my own work. I want to be inspired first thing in the morning and be thinking about my creative work all day until I get home and can play some more, when I can.

I think this year has been about redefining my writing. Redefining what I want. And the thing is, this is not a new revelation! I’ve known for a while that perhaps I’ve been writing the wrong things and in the wrong way, yet I keep falling back to what’s familiar. I’m proud of myself this summer for fighting that. For being brave to venture into something new, whatever the outcome!

Sincerely,

S. xx

Glory

Should I be ashamed that winning makes me feel this good? That applause and acclaim is what I chase? Adorn me with medals, shower me with praise, so that I may feel something akin to glory, instead of the same sad story of loss.

I can’t gloss over this moment of triumph and desire. A yearning brought to fruition. I needed this. What bliss it is to bask in this beautiful feeling afforded to so few. It’s not really the winning in itself that fills me with euphoria. It’s the ecstasy of knowing I can do something, and do it well. That I am mighty. I am full. I am capable of conquering.

Those who don’t race don’t win by default. Those who race win by default. It’s a simple truth yet we all are guilty of forgetting, then regretting that we didn’t step into the arena or onto the track. There is no going back, so in fact, it’s crucial we play the first time. Don’t whine and fret, just bet on yourself and you will have succeeded.

You win when you believe you can.

Podiums and anthems, this is my moment of celebration. A tiny taste of Olympic gold. A story to be told for generations to come.

I did this thing, this very small thing, and I like that I did it.

Why can’t every small win be glorious and gold? Why not a celebration and an exciting story to unfold?

Sincerely,

S. xx