Discovering myself as a writer this summer

I think what I’ve loved about writing this summer is that it has been a real exploration of my voice as a writer. I’ve had to suppress the urge to fixate on ‘what is this novel about?’ because that, perhaps, doesn’t serve me in the beginning stages of an idea. If an idea is old (you’ve had it for over 6 months) and fleshed out and well-plotted, you will know ‘what it’s about’ or at least what you think it’s about. That may change as you write the draft and edit, but maybe you’ll know that. However, if an idea is fairly new and you didn’t decide to plot it out before writing, then yes, there needs to be that space for the novel, the characters, the themes, the plot to be whatever it wants to be in that act of pure intuitive creation.

That’s fascinating to me.

I’ve always identified with being a plotter, or at least more recently, a discovery drafter with an idea of what’s happening at every stage. This helps me to fast draft quite easily over every summer break from work, but it has also resulted in drafts I feel apathy towards. Stories I feel disconnected from. Maybe this is because I thought I knew what the story was, and on paper it all sounded so cool and made so much logical sense, but it wasn’t me in the story.

Not every writer needs to be in the story. Not every writer needs so much feeling at the centre of their work. Their talents may lie in intricate plot lines, epic battles, gripping dialogue, archetypal characters, or high stakes and intriguing mysteries. However, I’m not sure this is me. I’ve wanted it to be. I’ve tried to be. But maybe I’m realising that my epic stories are just not me, and that’s why there’s this apathy when they’re done.

And the beautiful thing about this writing journey is that I can, and will, change again as a writer later. One day, I may turn back towards epic fantasy or deep dystopians. Maybe I’ll even dabble in a completely new genre or method. It’s actually quite exciting to know that I can write a lot of things, in a lot of ways, and that’s okay.

I’m freeing myself, though it’s tough, by allowing my natural writing voice to take over and see what happens later. I know these drafts will be the shortest and messiest I’ve ever written, but there’s something curious and thrilling about that. I means I get to dive in and rearrange; play and see what I can mould them into.

So yes, I’m scared. It’s weird. I’m going against what I usually do. I feel worried that by the end, I’ll feel like I wasted a summer not writing a detailed draft of 85,000 words that I can brag about! But hopefully what I will have is a lot of feedback. I will know what worked for me and what didn’t. I will be able to say I played with my craft and didn’t stick to the status quo just because it was comfortable and familiar. And best case scenario, I will have something that I look at and go, ‘Huh, it’s messy, but I like it! There’s something here that works. Let’s make this into something to be proud of’.

I’d love to go back to work with something (whether it’s ‘finished’ or not) and be excited to plan my writing around my work days. That I don’t just go back to work and neglect my writing and feel sad because yet again, I finished this great creative feat but feel negative towards it. I want to go back with a plan of action to make creativity a part of my day. I’d love to start my day with writing or editing or even just reading through and exploring my own work. I want to be inspired first thing in the morning and be thinking about my creative work all day until I get home and can play some more, when I can.

I think this year has been about redefining my writing. Redefining what I want. And the thing is, this is not a new revelation! I’ve known for a while that perhaps I’ve been writing the wrong things and in the wrong way, yet I keep falling back to what’s familiar. I’m proud of myself this summer for fighting that. For being brave to venture into something new, whatever the outcome!

Sincerely,

S. xx