The Truth About Growth

I’ve been thinking about zones of control, decisions/choices and going with the flow lately. This summer hasn’t been the fun-filled productive break from winter sadness that I wanted and needed it to be. But when things come along to shake up your world and change your life, you have to remind yourself of what you can control and what you can’t.

This removes some pressure. I can’t control others, but I can control my own actions and reactions (though it’s tough).

Then there’s our decisions. I can decide to do this or that or the other, but I must decide. Leaving things unresolved just feels weighty, even if it may feel safer than making the “wrong decision”. But I liked what a youtuber said yesterday, “the universe doesn’t set you up to make a decision that would ruin your life forever”. There’s something very comforting about that and I choose to believe it.

Because yes, sometimes we can walk a path that doesn’t work out the way we thought it would, but that doesn’t mean we can’t either make another decision to create change, or make the most of what we have. Nearly every decision or choice can be adjusted to suit us or changed completely. And every choice we make and path we take gives us feedback for making more informed decisions the next time.

When we know better, we choose better.

And alongside the decisions are boundaries. We must decide what we will accept and what we won’t. Then be firm in communicating that. When we let others walk all over our boundaries, we are disrespecting our own time, energy and happiness. Boundaries are simply an assertive tool for showing people how they can love you (or care and respect you) and you can love (care or respect) them best.

Then lastly, there’s nothing else left but to go with the flow with everything else in life. We can’t control the rain, but we can choose to wear our favourite boots and dance under our umbrella (literally and metaphorically!).

Sometimes, we need to let go and ride the wave. I have things I want and need to do this summer. Things that are very important to me. But there’s things out of my control that are making my plans less simple. All I can do is remind myself of my zones of control. Then, I can decide when and how I’m willing to give my time and energy to those other things going on. Lastly, I need to be flexible and adapt, ensuring I still find a way of progressing, just to a different degree because of what’s going on. If I’m resistant instead, and resentful, cursing fate, all it does is cause me further stress and upset.

The truth of it…

I struggle with all of this! I’m sharing it because I know that it’s a healthy way to live your life. But it’s a post to remind myself, as much as it is advice to you.

I struggle with saying no to people. I struggle with anyone being mad at me or disappointed. I want people to be happy and it makes me happy to be the one to do it. Or rather, I feel heroic. I realised about 4 years ago that I had a hero complex growing up because I was the peacekeeper in my household. That grew into feeling the need to save everyone. Then needing to please everyone.

I think I learned growing up that my place was being the good girl who made everyone happy. That in order to belong, that was my job because I didn’t have anything else to give.

I’ve struggled with belonging and friendship so goddamn much in my life. But through reading Brene Brown books, I’ve learned that there’s a very big difference between fitting in and belonging. If I belong, I shouldn’t ever have to fulfil a criteria to exist. I should just be me, and I will be accepted by the pack.

Since realising that, I’ve tried to work against it. Sometimes I feel utterly selfish though. That not showing up for everyone’s every need makes me a monster. I say no, feel proud that I said no, but then continue to beat myself up for it. And if another person shows up for that person, I feel guilty and annoyed, thinking it should have been me.

There’s a lot more that I could say about this topic, but that would mean going deeper and that’s too personal for this blog! But I shared it because I know that it’s so easy to say something or know something, but very hard to actually do it. I’ve done a lot of self development and I think I’m better at communicating my needs and knowing myself, but that doesn’t change the icky feelings I still get that are a residue of my past beliefs that were not serving me. A part of healing and growing and changing is this limbo in between where you still struggle and you still feel like you’re doing the wrong thing, even when you’re trying to do the healthier things.

And that’s okay. Keep trying. That’s all we can do. And don’t expect perfection! Ever!

Sincerely,

S. xx