There are no podiums here
It’s important to take note of those moments when you feel most confident. When you feel most comfortable and expressive. What topics do you know the most about? What people do you open up to the most? What environments make you feel calm? This is all great feedback.
This is the you that you want to be most, right?
I feel like more often than not, I’m tired! I’m low on energy. I’m quiet or shy. I’m hesitant. I’m lost. I’m uncomfortable or on edge. I’m upset or anxious. I feel like I’m always analysing myself and being self critical.
I think my trouble is, I’m so aware of myself in comparison to others.
How does my outfit look compared to hers?
Will my answer be as clever as theirs?
They probably have more to say about that thing so I won’t say anything.
They will be better at that so I won’t bother.
It’s all a competition to me. And I’m nearly always losing. Why? It’s so exhausting. And you know what, why does it matter so much to lose, anyway? Because the problem isn’t just that I’m making up these competitions in my head, and that I put myself last, but also that I hate myself for being last. I somehow simultaneously think I’m better than others while also knowing I’m not and hating myself for not stacking up!
But who cares?
There’s always someone smarter, prettier, funnier, cooler, more flexible, more accomplished, more travelled, harder working and so on. Always. And that has to be okay.
Ideally, I won’t make up these competitions at all but if I do feel in competition, or it’s a literal place of comparison, like a quiz setting, I need to know it’s okay not to come out first.
I have the insatiable need to be perceived as the best. I need to win. I need to impress. It’s toxic. It ruins my chance at real connection.
There’s so much to be learned from other people. Jealousy and comparison are feedback. It tells you what you wish you were or had. What you wish you were good at. And then those who are healthy minded, will then go and ask that person who bested them how they did it.
I’ve been watching the Olympics this summer and it’s so inspiring but also reminds me of what I lost. I once said I was going to be an Olympic athlete. That I’d do the 100m sprint and the high jump. I was so athletic: fast and strong. I had a taste of that again this year during the students’ sports day at the school I work in. We got to do the staff relay and though my team mates face planted the floor instead of getting very far, I decided to still run my fastest! People came up to me at the end saying how fast I was. I’m not going to lie, I loved it. I’d forgotten how euphoric that feeling was. Though my quads ached for over a week after, it was worth it! I had something I was good at again. I impressed people. It felt good.
Is that so bad?
There’s nothing wrong with thinking you’re good at something and trying to prove it. That’s what the Olympics is all about. But there’s a huge difference between a gracious loser and a sore one. I’ve seen it. I respect those athletes who shake the hands and bow down to those who beat them, and maybe try to ask for advice, more than those who throw a tantrum when they don’t get what they thought was theirs.
I throw tantrums, but I need to learn to bow down graciously.
Things I need to learn and practice:
Learning from others instead of getting defensive or assuming I’m right or just berating myself for being wrongListening to others properly to gain knowledge Accepting and believing first: I might be wrong about this and that’s okay If I want to be good at something, get good! Don’t just say it and pout; practice Being wrong is an opportunity for growth Always be a learnerThe art of disagreement Knowing that I have my strengths and they have theirs and it’s all okay That competition and comparison is often all arbitrary anyway and subjective and relative and it doesn’t matter to anyone anyway but me half the time!!There are no podiums in life, so stop trying to climb up to first place. Enjoy being among the triers and you will live a healthier life.
Sincerely
S. xx
