Retreating

I feel this need, this sense of urgency to retreat inward. To go off the grid and be solo for a while. Not to post. Not to share. Not to outwardly be working on something. Not to be defined by, and have my time dictated by, grades and essays. Not to be working on the next book, but instead stories and pieces that have no meaning other than coming from my mind and settling on a page (however messily they come).

I find that I watch and read things and I think “I want to write about” insert time period that thing us set in, or type of magic, or world or character archetype. The pulling of my creative mind this way and that shows I’m too easily influenced by the outside world at the moment. It’s worrying. It’s deeply disappointing. I want my ideas and motivations to be unique, authentic, personal, not brought on by the last thing I watched or read. I’m not saying I need to be original in my writing entirely – that’s very difficult these days – but I needn’t be so rigorously pulled so often to mimic what I consume.

The same is true for my life goals and personal life. My sister is going away? I want to go away! My best friend has a new job? I deserve a new job! My colleague got promoted or a good grade? What about me?

It all comes back to a lack of focus. That my attention is too easily absorbed by everything else around me. Like curtains hanging in the living room, all the scents in the house seeping into the fabric without anyone’s notice.

I must practice noticing. Witnessing. Tailor my gaze towards what’s happening here and now and most importantly, what’s happening within. When you’re laser focused on your own goals, joy, and soul, you don’t let in the motivations and wants and needs of others. I’m not saying I must overcorrect and become selfish. That’s just as toxic. Instead, be selective. Recognising what and who is for me, serving me, important to me, and what’s not. Right now, the lines are blurred and confused.

I don’t know how I will get this needed retreat. I’ve deleted social media this month but I feel drawn back to post my content. Gotta stay relevant, lest people forget you, right? I’ve unfollowed accounts that trigger defensive emotions or anger and sadness in me. I’m journaling a lot to attune my focus and explore my mind. I’m doing yoga everyday which feels immense as usual. I’m having tough conversations. I’m reading Brene Brown again to support the inner complexities of my mind.

Spiritual connection. Depth. Selfhood. Understanding. Clarity. Simplicity. Decluttering. Breaking free. This is what I seek. What I thirst for. Here’s hoping I get it.