Graduation reflection

I already did a post about finishing university but I’d like to do an update now that I’ve graduated and it’s been 5 months since I handed in my last essay.

My graduation ceremony was perhaps the best day of my life. I’m already married (technically had two weddings!) but that wasn’t the best day of my life. I’m not traditional in that way and for me, marriage or a wedding ceremony rather, isn’t about achievement or working hard or personal accomplishment. But the graduation was and so I got that enthralling feeling of all the years of hard work accumulating in that moment.

Wearing that robe made me feel powerful for the first time in my life. People looked at me with respect and joy and congratulated me simply because I was wearing it, not knowing anything about me or my journey to get there. Uncaring of what course I took or what grade I achieved. They were just happy for me, and acknowledged my efforts.

That feeling is unparalleled.

Before graduation, though, I was a bit cynical. It’s just a piece of paper. The degree hasn’t changed me as a person. Did I waste my time over the last 4 years? What was the point? But all of that for that moment alone was wonderful. Funnily enough, I’ve dreamt of graduating since I was young. 16 year old me had her heart fulfilled yesterday. She finally got that gown and hat and hood which marked her success and triumph. Little did she know that it would take me so long to get there…

I graduated 7 years after many of my peers. Traditionally, UK students go to university from 18-21. I did go at 18 and dropped out within a week, returning home with my tail between my legs. Then I went back the next year at 19 to try again, but commuting from my family home. I managed a year before dropping out again, due to not enjoying the course itself (I chose psychology and criminology). I was going to try again, change course, but I was deterred and tired from the failures. I needed a break.

In 2016, at the age of 21-22, I decided to do open university. Except, I still didn’t take the dive until 2019. At the age of 24, I had hit a new rock bottom. My freelancing business had failed; I’d left a full time job to pursue it but it didn’t work out. I was unemployed, lonely, and still so far behind my peers.

You see, as a university dropout, I felt this overwhelming pressure to make something of myself. Fine, I wasn’t a graduate. I was instead going to be the best blogger, the best youtuber, and the best author of my age. I worked hard to make money in another way and gain acclaim outside of academia. I believed in education. I love Rory Gilmore and her passion for study and I once thought that would be me. I’d attend an aesthetically pleasing university, old architecture and passionate artsy students. But my experience wasn’t that. And that still makes me sad that this image was never realised.

So I tried to be something else of importance and acclaim to prove that I wasn’t a failure entirely.

That didn’t work out. And I failed. I did.

Failure is such a scary thing. We avoid it at all costs and hate ourselves whenever it captures us. But god, I’m proud that I failed at something. Because most people don’t even try. Many people graduate from university. And it is an achievement, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not as special and unique as it once was.

But to fail at something that’s a bit more unique, something you chased in the pursuit of the extraordinary, that’s worth something. That’s brave. That’s worthy even if no one applauds you for it.

My graduation day marked a day of success after many years of failure, is what I’m saying. I failed in academia (I didn’t fail my courses or tests, but failed to finish traditionally with my peers), and outside of academia. I was “left behind”. Now, I’ve succeeded in the traditional sense. Marked a moment on my life of public recognition and acceptance from society. I haven’t known that feeling for a very long time, and I can’t deny, it felt immense.

On my graduation day, I read JK Rowling’s book “Very Good Lives” which is her Harvard commencement speech to the graduates of 2008. It talks about the power of failure and imagination and how it will help them post-graduation and so I read it again yesterday. I’m so glad I did to remind me that my failures, like Rowling’s, are not nails in my coffin. They were the wind in my sails; the fanning of my inner flame. For some, failure is the end. They give up. But I have yet to say that’s me. And yesterday, I proved that I can come back from failure and win on a grand scale.

So what now?

When I met my siblings for a meal after my graduation, my sister asked how I felt. I said “I feel confident, like I could set fire to the rain” and it’s true. Sitting there, hearing the speeches and being surrounded by peers (though we varied in age and I didn’t know a single one of them), I felt confident. I felt sure. I felt as if I was in the right place for the first time in a long time. Like I’d made the right decision.

Anyone who struggles with self-esteem and their mental health knows we can’t trust ourselves a lot of the time. Constantly questioning our instincts and intuition. Being out of touch with our true nature. But after years of questioning, the graduation was validation. It was proof that in 2019, I made the right decision and have filled my confidence cup back up.

This can be the start of something new. No, my life hasn’t changed. I’m still me. I still have a job in a school. Still write blogs and stories. I still yo-yo with my fitness and mental health. Still unsure about the future and what I want. But I am renewed in a sense. Confident in knowing that actually I can make the right decisions. I can come back from failure and make things right. That my path doesn’t look the same as my peers and that’s a good thing. My failures have made me stronger, wiser, and one day will make me successful. My failures aren’t wounds or scars on my skin but tattoos creating a beautiful, unique canvas on my body that’s all mine.

Maybe it’s time I owned them, instead of beating myself up and opening them anew.

I don’t have much more to say than that, but watch this space. I believe that confidence, self-belief and self-trust are important. That gaining that, if nothing else, and even if not on a large scale, can be life-changing. And that’s what I have now.

Watch this space for more updates. Wish me luck on my next venture!

Sincerely,

S. xx