Growth, spring and what it all means for me this year

I’m not quite at the big 3-0, but my turning 29 in under a month feels important. Like it’s my last chance to send off my 20s with a big hoorah. It’s sort of like wrapping that decade in a bow and saying “this is what it meant; this is what I learned” and taking that knowledge into my 30s with a smile on my face. I adore the fact that my birthday is in spring. It feels serendipitous and prosperous. A weightier chance at renewal, rebirth and new beginnings.

I listened to a podcast episode by Kalyn Nicholson today alongside a YouTube video by Unjaded Jade. Both are YouTubers I’ve watched for many years, witnessing them grow and do truly amazing things. In their content, both spoke about growth but in very different ways. Jade had decided to end a long term relationship and was naturally mourning that relationship, but talked about the intuitive decision that she felt she had to make to grow. She spoke about the pain that growth truly is. It’s not sparkly and fun; it hurts and it tests you and it pushes you. Then Kalyn spoke about the change in the season as a call to arms. A chance to emerge from the cocoon and let go of what doesn’t serve you while bringing in some new things that will help you to grow. That this is a time for renewing our philosophy of life and learning new things to take with us into the slower months at the end of the year.

I usually talk about the latter. The springtime growth and new habits and hobbies and most importantly, soaking up nature. But Jade got me, too. The pain that growth is. That growth happens all the time, even when we don’t notice it, because growing is what we must do when things change and the only inevitable in life is change.

Poor ideas of growth and development

I want to talk about growth a little deeper. Sometimes I find myself chasing an idea. This ultimate goal or version of myself. A way to finally be seen, appreciated, celebrated and of course, “perfect”. I look at others and get so toxically jealous. I hate that I don’t look like them or can’t do what they do as easily (seemingly) as they do it. I compare myself to others like it’s an Olympic race that I’m in. I’d win gold if we were in a contest of who can create the most unnecessary competitions!

I haven’t travelled enough

I’m not smart enough

I haven’t bought a house

I don’t have any cool hobbies or skills

I don’t make a lot of money

I don’t have a cool job

I don’t have kids (or am anywhere close to wanting them like I feel I’m supposed to at 29)

I haven’t achieved my dreams

The list goes on and on. And so, growth may mean chasing such goals. Making myself better. Self-improvement and self-actualisation. But actually, a lot of what this means for me is self-consciousness, self-criticism, and selfishness. I don’t look around enough and appreciate what I have and want I’ve done for myself. I don’t focus on my husband or my mom, only my own shortcomings and how hard I have to work still to get what I want. I don’t focus on the kids I support at work, only see it as a long day and another way of feeling trapped in a life I didn’t want.

When we’re not careful, chasing “growth” for the sake of it can lead to never being satisfied.

My brother once said to me when we were young adults that I will never be satisfied. It still haunts me. I worry that he’s right. That my negativity bias, my poor self esteem and my ambition will only lead to my downfall. Like Macbeth or some other tragic hero in Shakespeare’s plays, I will cut myself down. Sever all ties with the beautiful things I have right in front of me, while chasing an idea of perfection or finally being good enough.

I’ve spoken about perfectionism before. I used to think that I’m not a perfectionist because I put out bad content all the time and don’t mind sharing my work online. But I am one. I fear embarrassment and failure all the time. I keep quiet if I’m not 100% sure of something or add “but I don’t know” just in case I’m wrong. I constantly self-deprecate and compare because I don’t see myself as good enough. I keep trying to fit some imagined idea of being worthy. I procrastinate my interests and dreams for fear of getting it wrong.

Im waiting for perfection to finally wrap me up in bubble wrap and protect me from ever feeling pain again.

But I got it all so wrong…

What growth means now

Going into my 29th year, and my final year in my 20s, I finally want a new mindset. I don’t want to list all the ways I could be better. I don’t want to chase a list of bucket list big dreams to prove how cool and exciting my life is. I want to finally manifest what my true desire and passion is. I want to finally step into who I really am, not who I think I need to be to be accepted and loved by others, and not the fear that hides my true form.

That is true growth. That’s the true definition of success.

Growth isn’t about adding to your lists and doing for doing’s sake. Growth is about stepping closer, with intuition or intention, to the truest version of yourself. Not being better. Not being like someone else. Not trying to impress or prove. It’s looking deep within and asking “who am I really?” Asking, “who was I before fear, societal expectations, failures and the opinions of others came along and shook me?”

Growth is reaching for the chisel and chipping away at all the unnecessary weight hanging from you that’s keeping you from being the statue of your true, authentic self.

It is an unburdening. An unveiling. And reacquainting yourself with who you really are or were meant to be.

What I want to grow into

When I imagine my dream life, it’s not constant travel. It’s not a massive house. It’s not loads of social engagements keeping me busy. It’s not having an impressive business to run, making me lots of money. It’s not a large following on social media with fans who demand something from me. It’s not lots of kids and a pressure to be a devoted mom and not have time for myself. It’s not constantly needing to win awards and be celebrated, which comes with so many expectations.

When I’m honest with myself, I just want a quiet, soft life. I want the freedom to live on my own terms. I want to wake up in a house that feels cosy and peaceful. I have space to do my yoga, my writing, my reading. And I have the time to do those things without rushing to fit them around time dictated by others. I want a pretty garden that I can sit and journal in or stretch in the spring and summer. I want dogs to go on walks and frolic with in the meadows. Maybe a child, someone myself and my partner shapes to be kind, funny, fair and creative. Someone who cares about others and the world and isn’t as afraid of it as I have been. I would teach my child that there’s nothing to fear if they are in tune with themselves. I want to feel creative, playful, confident and content. I know I can’t feel happy all the time, but I want to feel at peace knowing I chose my life, not that I settled for it. That I was brave enough to say no to a life pushed on me or expected. I was brave enough to deviate from the norm and choose something simpler, not something grand just to follow what others might want.

The key here is that for so long, I’ve been so afraid of life and doing things. I’ve felt like there’s always a way to fail and hurt. I’ve been in deep depression when things didn’t work out for me. I’ve always been susceptible to anxiety and have an overthinking personality. The antithesis to this and the true self within me is just someone who is at peace. Who doesn’t have to fret and juggle and demand lots from myself. We need to make money in this world and so that’s a problem, but I know I have skills and when I don’t ask for millions from myself, actually I can make a living and live happily with less than I might think. I have options and skills and interests that can make me money, just maybe not as much as I once thought I needed. And all of those things will also bring me joy, fulfil me meaningfully, and enable me to do things more flexibly and on my own terms.

Freedom doesn’t have to mean making enough passive income that you don’t have to work. That’s amazing, but it may not be possible for everyone and that’s okay. Instead, I need to think about how I will feel at peace with working in a way that suits my desired lifestyle and ever-shifting, malleable personality.

Action steps for my growth at 29

This is already a long post, so I’m sorry, but I had a lot to say, clearly! The only last thing to say is what all this reflecting means for me going forward. What am I actually going to do?

Work on the personality traits I want to embody rather than just things I want to do: acceptance, letting go, flexibility, calm, confidence, playfulness, curiosity, daringStop overwhelming myself with all the things I think I should doDeepen my yoga practice and knowledge of its philosophy Write my stories with freedom and fun Slow the F down and smell the F-ing roses! Looking into potential neurodivergence Allow my Japan trip to be fun and casual, not stressful with massive expectations on itStop trying to be like others and be more like me Speaking up and sharing myself Learning to laugh kindly at and with myself Embody playfulness in all things and chill more = lightness Less social media to trigger my comparison (I’m quite good at this but could be even better)

Thank you for reading. I hope your spring brings with it many opportunities for growth and learning and love and peace and most importantly, time to just be the real you.

Sincerely,

S. Xx