Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 62

Identifying as Monogamous in a Poly Dynamic

from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 11/22/14

I’ve written a few times about the change in my personal relationship with KnyghtMare and I. He had play and relationship needs that I couldn’t meet and it was creating a rift between us. The only solution that we could see was to open up the relationship. It evolved into a polyamorous dynamic shortly after that. This was over 2 years ago and the first person he accepted into his collar is still with him. In the beginning I tried very hard to embrace what I thought poly would look like. I was playful and accepting of play all together. We had a couple threesomes, within boundaries, all together. We talked about the sex we had and the play we enjoyed with KnyghtMare. It felt like a dream.

And then something in me broke.

I began to feel violated when we did things together. I felt very uncomfortable being in the same room when they were affectionate and playful. I couldn’t stand watching them play together any longer. For the longest time I thought it was jealousy, but in truth, it wasn’t. I didn’t want to be poly anymore. But I am still okay, or mostly okay, with the fact that KnyghtMare has another submissive and needs time with him to do things. After all, he still has those needs that I just can’t meet; I just don’t want to be a part of poly any longer. It’s not an easy road, but I’ve chosen monogamy in a poly dynamic. Sure that sounds odd and it did for me at first too. How can I be monogamous when my Master was in an intimate relationship with someone else?

Thanks to some very good friends of mine that are poly I was able to talk out all of my confusion and frustration and realize that I wasn’t so abnormal or alone. I learned that poly is just as large of an umbrella as BDSM is and that I can find a place that will work for me. There’s even a word for it called Mono/Poly. I learned that there are poly relationships that don’t cross into shared territory. Others that the relationships are completely separate. I slowly embraced the idea that KnyghtMare would have two places to call home and could go between them and I wouldn’t need to follow. It eased my terrors.

It certainly doesn’t make for a perfect happiness in my head all of the time. I get annoyed when he needs to deal with something to do with her when I feel, usually selfishly, he should be spending time with me. When he’s mad at her it clouds his mood for me. I’m certain the feelings happen mutually there. I do feel jealous at times. I also sometimes feel that my relationship with him is in jeopardy because of my irrational feelings that if something happens to make him upset he’ll just give up and go to her instead.

KnyghtMare, bless him, has never given me a reason to doubt his devotion to me and constantly reassures me that he’s with me for the long haul; that he married me because he can’t see his life without me and that’s all that matters. For me, that is enough. I am loved and don’t have to question that. The fears and feelings I have I know are irrational, I know deep down that they have no solid foundation.

When I’m online in forums and discussion lists I see a lot of poor advice for those exploring poly. Far to often I see people in poly relationships that aren’t happy and the advice always given is that maybe poly isn’t for them. Sure that could be the case, but there is so much more to poly that perhaps it is just the type of poly they are experiencing isn’t for them. Or maybe the boundaries are too close and they need to shift to respect your limits better. You don’t have to have compersion, a feeling of joy when a partner invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship. You can specify limits and boundaries of the secondary relationships so that your comfort is respected. A good partner will adhere to all reasonable requests. It’s about feeling safe and secure, but still accepting the differences and needs of the other partner.

I think the biggest feeling I need is acceptance. I accept that KnyghtMare needs more than I can provide and that the need goes beyond the bedroom/dungeon. I accept that it’s okay to have moments of jealousy and a need to be reassured that I’m still secure in my place with him. Things are not perfect, but they work for us and that’s all that matters. So the people who have concerns about their own poly situations should understand, I hope, that there are so many ways to be poly and the triad form (everyone has a relationship with everyone else) isn’t the only way. You don’t have to have a relationship with everyone involved. You don’t have to be happy all the time and you certainly will feel jealous on occasion. But learning how to manage those feelings and remaining open with your partner(s) is the key to making it work.

I’m certainly still learning and growing and I know that even if it’s been difficult I can look into the future with more understanding of my feelings and the relationship dynamics. I hope that my experience shared has been helpful to some of you.

There are a few very good books on open and poly relationships and I recommend reading and learning about polyamory.

Submissive Guide Recommends These Books on Poly Relationships:

I know that exploring polyamory is difficult, I live it. But I’m doing just fine. If your relationship is poly and it’s done in an open and honest way then you too can enjoy the freedom in knowing you or your relationship is getting everything they need, even if it isn’t all from one partner.

*Please understand that I am not an expert on polyamory and anything said here is my experience and understanding. Refer to the resources for an educated and wonderful base of information for which to apply your own interpretation to your relationship.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on February 16, 2015 07:00

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks,

This Thursday is a big announcement on the site, watch for it!

So, who went to 50 Shades of Gray screening? What did you think of it? For those of you who read the book, how did it compare?

What do you think the impact on the community and BDSM in general will be now that the movie is out? How can we help novices wishing to explore safely?

Join the growing list of fans that get to hang out with me monthly on Google Hangout!
Monthly Video Posts Return! Thank you for the support. Next Goal: Upgrade the Servers

I work hard to write and produce the content and I don’t ask for much in return. This is a small way you can show me that you appreciate my efforts. If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a patron of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $3 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation. Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

How Giving a Blowjob Has Taught Me That Service and Pleasure Are One
Talking Even When Words Are Hard by andyiccee
Woven into BDSM relationships is love by moonlight
When He Slapped Me: My Impressions of Face Slapping

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Ask lunaKM Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

Ask lunaKM – How To Ask for Attention

I have a Dom friend that has been helping explore and figure out this wonderful world of BDSM. I have been seeing him for a few months and we are moving into more of a relationship and not just scenes. My question is how do I ask him for the discipline/attention when I am needing it? Don’t want to be demanding. I feel like this is silly question but one I have to ask. Thank you for any advice you have to offer.

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2014: What a Romantic Dominant/submissive Relationship Looks Like
In 2013: To Have Children Or Not, Now THAT is a Question
In 2012: 22 Deal Breakers that May Be Preventing Your One from Approaching You by Laney Doll
In 2011: Ask SehAnru | Where to begin: Books, and more
In 2010: First Playtime Jitters and How to Arrive Prepared

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Next Submissive Guide Chat Night

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If you are in a M/s dynamic and are largely dependent on your owner, have you discussed what may happen if something fatal happens to the owner? Is this something you feel should be discussed prior to committing to the dynamic?In a different scenario, how have you handled release if it has occurred?
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Featured Podcast of the Week – Erotic Awakening

EA349 – Dominance

9 Feb 2015, 7:49pm GMT

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This week on the Erotic Awakening Podcast, Dan & dawn share their perspective on dominance; how to be one, if integrity plays a part, and what are the other key components? PLUS we are featured in a magazine; someone self pleasures to us; the Space Tags? Oh yea we got tags. #bdsm Don’t miss an episode! Click here to subscribe via iTunes or here for any other method Part of the Erotic Awakening Podcast Network Click the banner above for other great shows spanning the realm of BDSM, Sacred Sexuality, Tantra, and simply fun kink! Need canes? Get 10% with the discount code dananddawn15

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Published on February 15, 2015 10:00

When He Slapped Me: My Impressions of Face Slapping

First published on KinkAcademy.com. I wrote this almost 5 years ago and am sharing it again with you here.

As with everything BDSM has to offer, there are what are considered light play activities and those that are intense, even on the edge or taboo. Face slapping is considered the latter. Two years ago I approached KM with a request for something I never thought I’d ask for. I asked if he’d slap me across the face.

He complied and we carefully added it into our kinky play. I loved it. It’s jarring and hot and sexy. We don’t have any training or education in this form of play so it’s always careful and he pulls his slaps, focusing on the soft tissue and avoiding as many bones as possible. I’m so very grateful for Ms Kali’s series on face slapping and can’t wait to add even more face slapping into our play now that we’ve had some excellent information.

Now, with face slapping, you have to be careful of a primal instinct of fight or flight. Physiologists will tell you that when you slap someone across the face, the chemical reaction in the brain tells the person to fight or run. This could have bad repercussions to what should have been a hot scene, so make sure you reduce that possibility by letting the person know you are going to slap them, and comforting them after with other sensations.

Her first video covers the motivations for face slapping (9 mins). As a part of our play, the mind fuck is a very big part of how we get intimate and a slap across the face is going to emphasize what is going on within the scene. It’s also a very hot way to punctuate a verbal humiliation scene or during sex where KM wants me to feel like a whore for his pleasure only. And it works. It puts me in a place to give him exactly what he needs at the time to make our play sizzling.

Since we’d like to incorporate more face slapping, KM and I have felt it very important to learn more about the safety of face slapping. After all there are a lot of small bones in the face that are fragile. I’d hate to wind up with a black eye by accident. Watching Ms Kali’s safety video (11 mins) was helpful in picking up the aspects of preparation and safety with face slapping. The good news is that before we watched the video KM has been applying a lot of the items specified; fingers only, stay on the fleshy part of the cheek, keeping it flexible. Of course, learning how not to flinch will be really darned hard when KM doesn’t want to hold my head anymore. I loved her recommendation to practice this and I think I’ll ask KM to work on that.

The technique required for face slapping (10 mins) is more for KM, but I watched it with him so that I could learn what the slappee is supposed to do to make the experience hot for both of us. Wow, it was so delicious to see the different positions she recommended. Trying these out, and with the shape of my knees, we’ll likely have me standing, or lying down with him over me. I love when he’s close and intimate so I’m glad she explained that play doesn’t have to be so cold and separate from intimacy. Remember folks, intimacy makes a scene that much more powerful and one with face slapping is quite powerful!

The last video in the series about face slapping is slapping using gloves and feet (14 mins). While neither KM nor myself are really interested in this side of face slapping I did want to see what Ms Kali had to say about it. As I watched it I realized I’d love to get KM a pair of leather gloves. It’s just a yummy thought I had and OMG I can imagine the pleasure I’d get from being slapped (spanked/punched) with him in leather gloves. Yummy. Anyone else want to do cock slapping or tit slapping? Mmmm. She’s got a lot of wonderful face slapping ideas to add more to our play.

So whatever you do, add face slapping to your next kinky scene and I’m certain that you’ll want to try that again very soon.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on February 13, 2015 07:00

Woven into BDSM relationships is love

February is the love month. In the stores, everything is red, pink, and white. There are roses, teddy bears, and chocolate everywhere you turn. Actually, here, everything has looked that way since before Christmas was even over.

It is a wonderful thing to celebrate the love we have for one another. I do think that bringing attention to love in this world can do a lot of good. I certainly join the ranks with those who would agree that one day a year devoted to celebrating love is far too little.

I don’t have to worry about that. We have grown a dynamic that has let us be attentive to the different ways we express love to one another, meeting each of our needs. Now, it hasn’t been an easy ride and it certainly isn’t perfect- there have been many hard discussions, tears, and stresses along the way. No matter the situation though, we have continued to strive for what we had hoped to grow together. It has taken forgiveness, patience, a ton of communication, and the willingness to just keep on taking the next step. I wouldn’t have it any other way though, because when you look at it, this is a relationship that love built.

BDSM and kink can certainly get a bad rap around all this “lovey-dovey” stuff. Don’t get me wrong, I love a little bit of chocolate, some fresh flowers for the table, but I also wouldn’t mind some things that last a little longer and benefit us both – like a new flogger or a crop. What stands out most to me as we approach this day is the ways that we have love and romance built right into our relationship system. BDSM relationships can be filled with extraordinary displays of love. Here are just a few of my own examples:

Love is…

found in the way He sleeps in most mornings while I tend to other things and the way that He lets me sleep in when I am run down and needing the rest.
in the sweet notes that I pack in Master’s lunch when He isn’t looking (not every day because I like when it is a surprise).
seeing the satisfaction on His face when He can come home and relax, knowing the household has been tended to.
in the way I remember to take out His clothes for the next day.
how He holds me after we play and isn’t afraid of the tears, the shaking, the giggles, or whatever other reaction I might have coming down from the intensity we just shared.
the way He checks in as we play to see how it is feeling today.
the care He puts into picking which of His collars I wear each day and admires me wearing it after He puts it on.
cuddles on the couch watching TV.
cooking together in the kitchen.
the tickle “fights” that might end in some “funishment”.
letting go of all the different personas we can both adopt knowing we came into this relationship to be together, in our truest sense of selves.

Love is whatever makes your heart sing and it is a blessing to find someone(s) to share that with. If you are a kinky lover, celebrate it proudly – even if it is just in the comfort of your own home. Think about all those ways that you are loved in your relationship(s) and how you show to your Dominant that you are still head-over heels in love with them. Great! Got that list? Share some of it with us! Inspire this community of submissives to give the beauty of this gift of love and all it has to offer and help make the world a beautiful (and still kinky) place.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on February 12, 2015 07:00

Ask lunaKM – How To Ask for Attention

Hello lunaKM,

I have a Dom friend that has been helping explore and figure out this wonderful world of BDSM. I have been seeing him for a few months and we are moving into more of a relationship and not just scenes. My question is how do I ask him for the discipline/attention when I am needing it? Don’t want to be demanding. I feel like this is silly question but one I have to ask. Thank you for any advice you have to offer.

Dear not demanding,

It can feel overwhelming when you are in a new relationship and trying to figure out what you can and can’t do without your role. Your question is a very common one and you are not alone in knowing how to handle this situation.

First, ask yourself, what are his responsibilities to you? Is he to protect you and guide you and take care of your needs? Is to be your partner and lover, your friend and your strength? Think about what his place is in your life. If he’s there for you in other situations where you’ve needed him, then he will likely be expecting to be there for you now.

Asking him is not demanding. You are probably told not to hide anything from him, at some point or another. This includes your needs and desires for attention of if you feel you need discipline for something. So, address him respectfully, share your feelings and then ask him to be there for you or to discipline you.

The key here with not being demanding is that you don’t want to force his hand, he supposed to be in charge after all. But like all people, he can’t read your mind or know what you need from one moment to the next. Sometimes you have to tell him. As long as you allow him to make the decision for what needs to be done with the information you’ve shared you aren’t being demanding.

But, in my experience, the Dominant is going to give you what he thinks you need when you share with him. There are times that I have to go to KnyghtMare and ask for him to hold me for a while or to help correct something that I think is giving me issues in my submission or everyday. And he’s more than willing to be there for me. I’m sure your Dominant will be also.

All my best,

–lunaKM

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on February 11, 2015 07:00

Talking Even When Words Are Hard

Communication is key – I say it in every article, but it becomes no less true. Communication is imperative to any relationship, especially one in which your physical and mental health are at risk.

This week I have had trouble. Master is very interested in entering into a poly-dynamic. While this initially sounded very attractive to me, the more I thought about it, the worse I felt. Though I want my Master to be fulfilled and happy, I also cannot walk around feeling horrible like this. I had to talk to him. I used I statements to express my concerns and to try to find a medium between what he wants and what I felt comfortable with.

The unfortunate thing about frustration is that it tends to snowball. Once you become upset about one thing, all the other things that bother you begin to surface and you want to bring them all up at once. For all making my partner upset, might as well get it all out there at once. This is not a great way to approach the situation. I feel guilty afterwards knowing that I upset my partner and then I end up negating anything useful that I brought up before.

So I sat down and I thought about the times when I successfully brought issues up. What did I do that elicited a better outcome than today? I planned. I wrote out in my journal how I was feeling ahead of time. I let myself explode on paper because no one could be hurt by those words. Then once I had all my thoughts down, I was able to sort through them and see what issues were really issues worth bringing up now, and which one’s were less mandatory. Note: no issue should ever be ignored entirely, but when I am talking about the big move in our relationship towards a poly-dynamic, a tendency to not follow through on his word to do the laundry sometimes is slightly irrelevant and can be brought up at a later time.

I then was able to take the points I wanted to bring up and prioritize them and thought of ways to say them that were not antagonizing. The best way to do this is using “I-statements”. For example, “I feel nervous about entering into a poly relationship due to past issues with trust in the past.” I could also then map out sample solutions to the problem that I could suggest.

One thing that I often notice myself doing, however, is that sometimes I assume that my solutions are the only way to solve the problem. When Master suggests alternatives I shut them down without really listening. Part of this is just me being dumb, but a major part is that I never want to feel like I made my Master sacrifice anything. I often feel that I need to give and give and give and never ask for him to give anything in return. This is not healthy. So writing myself little reminders not to back down from what I need, no matter how guilty I feel for starting a fight is important. I brought up the issue for a reason, and if I drop it because I am uncomfortable, the issue will never be resolved.

Psychologically when dealing with confrontation women and children will become incredibly passive, because throughout evolution this was the only way which women and children could survive. In contrast, men typically fight or flee. This can create a disconnect if you suddenly become very passive because the fight is intimidating you or you feel bad, your partner may interpret it as the issue has been negated and all is fine. Therefore, even though it is very challenging, it is important to stand your ground. Make sure your needs are being met. Make sure your partner is hearing what you are saying. Just because you are a submissive or a slave does not mean that you should have to give and get nothing in return. If you feel that your needs are not being met, then you need to fight for that fulfillment,

Your partner cannot read your mind. If you are not practicing open communication, then they cannot know what is bothering you, even if they know you very well. If you plan out what you are going to say in advance, then things are much more likely to go smoothly. Communication in-person, or face-to-face is also much more effective than texting. Many words and tones can be misconstrued through text which can make tensions increase and tempers flare.

Remember how important you are. You are 50% of the relationship, make sure that you feel comfortable with it. If you are not comfortable, make sure that you speak up. And never forget, regardless of if you are a sub or a slave, you always have the right to leave a relationship.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on February 10, 2015 07:00

How Giving a Blowjob Has Taught Me That Service and Pleasure Are One

I used to hate giving blow jobs. I am sure it could be argued that I still don’t love them, but the mind shift has certainly come a long way in the positive for KnyghtMare. My history with giving oral sex is one I’ve heard from a few of you. Your first experiences were not all they stacked up to be, my first boyfriend had a hygiene issue and that made getting near his dick with my mouth very unappealing. Ick. I also, still, have an issue with the texture and taste of semen. It’s just hard for me to handle. I’ve also had a pretty bad gag reflex that I’m learning to overcome, but not without a long struggle.

And by long struggle with the whole thing I’ve been with KnyghtMare for 10 years. This has been a long long process to get where I am and I know he’d say I have a way to go yet.

Blow jobs were a service in my mind. They weren’t sexy because I didn’t like them. They do nothing for me, even to this day. But now I can say that I actually enjoy them. What I didn’t understand about his insistence that I give him blowjobs and be happy while giving them is that my enjoyment was pleasurable to him. I thought that as long as I served him I didn’t have to enjoy it. And honestly I had a really bad way of looking like I was being forced into it anyway – who wants that? He certainly didn’t.

So I started faking it. It was silly at first and very obvious that I was smiling and looked happy to give him a blow job even though I wish he hadn’t asked me. It was amazingly hard to do and we spent many many conversations about my dislike for blowjobs and why I should work on enjoying them. Yup, I was going to learn to enjoy something I didn’t like.

Now that’s behavior modification!

Let me just stop you here though, because I can hear the tisks and rocks rattling in your head in disbelief that I could not like blow jobs. “Everyone likes blow jobs,” you’re thinking. Well, not true. I’m a living example of someone who didn’t like to give blow jobs. And I’m sure that there is something that you don’t enjoy doing that your partner just loves.

I had decided that I was going to change my perceptions of blow jobs and why I didn’t enjoy them. The biggest issue I had, and still do have is that I don’t like the texture of semen. It’s unavoidable and I’ve yet to figure out how to get over that, but once I realized that the whole blow job could be enjoyable up to that point I knew I was on to something. I started watching videos on blow job technique. I love a certain series of videos on blow jobs on Kink Academy.com that I’m going to share. Kink Academy is a membership site with video access to a huge collection of kinky educators and presenters. It’s like having a kink convention in your home. It’s well worth the cost and I highly recommend everyone try it for at least a month. There’s so much to learn!

lunaKM’s Blow Job Course
Developing My Ultimate Blow Job Skills
Trying Out a Few Fellatio Techniques
Reviewing the Basics of Blow Jobs
Thumbs Up with Blow Jobs
The Art of Deep Throating and Gagging
Going Deep – Early Practice

With the videos and lots of practice that KnyghtMare relented to (hah!) I got better and better and technique which made me more comfortable with the act. He agreed to not force me to accept his orgasm in my mouth for a time while I learned to just love the act of the blow job. We’d deal with one issue at a time. Now in all this practice I began to feel an overwhelming joy that was more associated to his pleasure than with mine. He was enjoying what I was doing and that was feeding a need to serve him that until then I hadn’t realized that I needed.

But that was my key. His pleasure was my service and my service was pleasing. Oh that was a joy. It took me months and months of practice but I started seeing blow jobs as a way to serve him that was unique, intimate and special. And in time I learned to love his responses, the feel of him and the way he relaxed into it. I was high on the service of blow jobs!

Years later now, I still have issues with semen in my mouth but I’ve taken steps there as well. He’ll let me spit and for that I’m grateful. Sometimes I’m successful, but not all the time. What I’ve learned is that if I focus on him and less on what I don’t like about the activity I enjoy it more.

That’s right, focusing on him has helped me learn to like something I didn’t like before. And I am sure that the same or similar techniques could work for you too. I’m almost positive that I can use this method in other parts of my life, and find that serving their needs or desires is the joy I can get from it and not looking directly for the joy I could take from the activity.

So how can you apply this to your submission? What behaviors can you think of right now that you’d like to work on? Can you work to shift your focus from disliking the activity to the pleasure that you give your partner if you do them?

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on February 09, 2015 07:00

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks,

There’s some exciting news coming to the site next week so you’ll want to keep your eye out for that!

Do you ever try to do too much? I’ve got a really long to do list and hopes and goals list that right now feels like a ton of bricks on my shoulders. So much work I want to get done, but the time just never seems to give me enough to get it all done. So, I have to learn to prioritize and realize that I can’t do it all. But what gets done now and what get’s put aside for later? It’s such a hard decision but one that I think will help me learn to grow as an organized and less stressed submissive for KnyghtMare.

Join the growing list of fans that get to hang out with me monthly on Google Hangout!
Monthly Video Posts Return! Thank you for the support. Next Goal: Upgrade the ServersI work hard to write and produce the content and I don’t ask for much in return. This is a small way you can show me that you appreciate my efforts. If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a patron of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $3 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation. Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

After “Red” : How to Manage the Aftermath When You’ve Used Your Safeword
Am I Little or What? Discovering the Types of Littles by tequilarose
Finding Your Dominant by Mistress Steel

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Ask lunaKM Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

Ask lunaKM – What Do I Do While I Wait for a Response?

As a slave in training, what do I do with myself when I’m waiting on my Master to respond to my messages? I start doubting my worth when I don’t get a response within an hour. –impatient

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2014: Seeing a Desirable Me: Learning Body Confidence through the Fingers of a Lover
In 2013: What is Boot Blacking?
In 2012: by thisgirl
In 2011: A Mentor is Not Your Dom
In 2010: Are Discipline and Punishment The Same?

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Next Submissive Guide Chat Night

Come make friends and chit-chat. Twice monthly discussions, all are welcome. Chat room is open 24/7 for conversation.

Date: February 17th, 2015

Time: 8PM Central (Not in CST? Find out the time where you are!)
Topic: Free Chat

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Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

For poly submissives: Are you ever jealous of time your Owner spends with other partners in the relationship? How do you cope with that?
Do you have any deal breakers when you first meet a potential Master/Owner?
“Challenges show us our discomfort; discomfort tells us what we fear and fears tell us where our passions lie.” – Deborah Addington, “Fantasy Made Flesh: The Essential Guide to Erotic Roleplay”
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!
Featured Podcast of the Week – Practically Kinky Podcast

5 Feb 2015, 11:17pm GMT

→ Practically Kinky Podcast

In this episode we have a chat about polyamory. We start off with a conversation about the highlights so far, along with some of the more tricky challenges we’ve faced. We then turn to next steps and have an (at times weirdly heated) discussion about a poly personals ad we plan to put out on Fetlife, much of the debate centering on whether it’s ok to be greedy. Spoilers alert: It is OK. Greed is good. Glad we settled that.

MP3 audio (83MB, 61min)

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Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

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Published on February 08, 2015 10:00

Finding Your Dominant

This is a guest post by Mistress Steel. It was part of her Steel’s Chamber Scrolls which is now defunct. Shared with Permission.

Are you looking for a magic spell? That unique formulae that will guarantee you the results you want? Well, there isn’t any trick. Not really…

If you are looking for a lifetime partner, that one special person to share your life with, then you start at the beginning. First you sit down and identify who you are. By this I mean your views on morality, ethics, spirituality, politics, race, child rearing, your taste in music, shows, food, theater and especially your sense of humor. Yes!!! Everything counts. These foundational aspects count the most. Too many people look through the wrong end of the periscope, looking for the D/s aspect instead of the quality person. When you believe you have a clear and unbiased view of yourself, then your task is to find someone who parallel’s you. This is crucial. In many ways in the distance of a relationship a submissive will release their limits. If they love their Dominant they may cease using safe-words or signs wanting only to please their Dominant. So, it is a good idea to ‘match’ with the same limits as your Dominant from the beginning. In addition, if you are a hamburger person, you may have trouble eating steak and caviar – be real and honest!

Yes. Dominant’s have limits. They have the same mental processes as anyone else. The same unique blends of interests, ideas, and fantasies. By seeking someone who matches you then you reduce (by a huge amount) the potentials of limits violations.

So, you have your list in hand . . . now what? Since you are probably receiving this through AOL or online my next suggestion is to conduct a member search of the directory that AOL offers to its members. This you can do by typing in such clues as keywords like Dominant, Master, Domme, Mistress. Then type in your local area. This is important. It is my sincere and honest opinion that you should allow your search to extend no further than a 200 mile radius (or 3 hour drive) from your permanent location. Long distance relationships have very poor statistics, they can foster illusions and fantasies and in general can create dangers and problems which are much less common ‘within’ your local community. After you have located some members from your area, you may decide to read those who have profiles. You may note a few that ‘might’ be interesting. You might want to consider sending a polite introductory email letter. In addition I recommend connecting with your local community. Virtually all areas of the country have them. Many are invisible for excellent reasons. It will take a bit of work to find them. This can also be addressed in your initial email letters. You can ask for contact information. In some larger cities the organizations are bigger and somewhat easy to find. Join. Attend a few local social events (I am not talking play parties or open dungeons but demo’s and workshops or even weddings!).

By limiting your search to your immediate vicinity you increase the potentials of finding a partner within a distance where the growth of a relationship can occur. Relationships are in real life. They are not in cyber conversations and long distance phone calls with 4 times a year meetings. Some people look to long distance to ‘prevent’ the odds of making a relationship real or to allow them to have casual affairs (regardless of what they say!). They enjoy the fantasy of online infatuations and involvement’s without the subsequent responsibilities that reality would require. They are designs that most frequently injure. If you find you are constantly finding Mr or Ms Right 3000 miles away, you are probably subconsciously preventing yourself from committing fully with a relationship that is realistically viable. When contacting potential partner’s in your area, be open enough to express yourself clearly but try not to give them the answers to all your hopes and dreams. Some people will attempt to ‘appear’ just right when they really are not. Keep your conversation courteous but not deferential. It is important when looking for a life partner to explore all of those vanilla aspects. The things on your list. If the person you have contacted has no desire to do this, then they cannot be actively searching for a partner. If the person only has a desire to role play and talk D/s or BDSM, then they may not be looking for a life partner. If they immediately insist you call them an honorific title etc. then you should probably move along to someone else. In general terms this can indicate a poor self image or a person with a less than clear understanding of the D/s relationship or lifestyle in the real world.

Honorific titles are earned – not bestowed by typing in a screen name box or by telling other people that you are something. It is my opinion that to earn respect one must be respectable. This is done through actions over a long and tractable time – consistent actions and behavior becoming to the individual. To me this is a person with quality traits that I find easy to admire and understand. This is the person who is paying their bills, handling their obligations (such as childcare or child support), maintaining relationships long term with friends and family, pursuing hobbies and interests external to the BDSM world.

Next I recommend a fairly prompt meeting when you find a person who is interesting to you. The longer you communicate online or on the phone the more a fantasy or assumption of expectation can occur. This should be a strictly vanilla meeting. Lunch in a public place with No plans for anything further that day at all. Do set up safe calls. In this way you can see if you have any physical chemistry at all. Return to your home and allow a minimum of 24 hours to come down! For the submissive they become psyched up and to some extent forced into space (for many but not all) due to the excitement and anxiety of meeting for the first time. This can make them make choices that are not well considered within the moment. By allowing a mandatory cooling off period they can usually regroup to clearly decide what they think. (This should mean no follow up phone calls or Internet contact during that period either.)

Do not feel any obligation for further contact. You have no agreement with this person and should not be motivated to a continued contact due to feelings of shame, guilt or any other emotion of like kind. In addition you should ask for and receive references from the Dominant prior to agreeing to any meeting. These should include other submissives that this Dominant has been with locally (sometimes called a submissive network). A Dominant local to you with no references is either too new to have them or with problems that s/he is hiding from you. Both of these situations create a serious problem for you. A Dominant IS a reflection of their real life reputation. By having no reputation you are required to accept their word more. If this is so, ensure that you have additional information regarding this person prior to meeting them. Have them fax a current Drivers License to you, a copy of their Social Security card as well as current phone numbers for both home and work. No beepers!

If they refuse then they are probably lying to you. The risk is almost all one-sided here. If they cannot give you a phone number that you can call at any time then they are probably living with someone who might be a spouse or significant other unaware of their activities. If they refuse to give you a work phone number then they may be lying about where they work, their real name etc. If they give you a beeper or cellular phone you have no way of discovering if they are being truthful about those same issues. You may still move forward to a meeting but if you do your risks are much higher and you should probably bring along a good friend as an accompaniment. Note: The presence of children in the home is not a good reason for non-release of a phone number! It is normal for adults to receive phone calls all the time that children have no reason to question!

Each of these things present you with the largest opportunity of finding someone real, local with the potentials of a long term and viable relationship. Remember that the grass is not greener on the other side (or far away). If you live in a tiny or remote area you may need to travel further than my recommendation but look no further than the closest large city! Beyond that and your odds descend rapidly.

Written by F.R.R. Mallory – also known as Mistress Steel. This article may be excerpted from Extreme Space, The Domination and Submission Handbook, Safe, Sane and Consensual, Dangerous Choices or other books by F.R.R. Mallory and shared here with her permission. Please click on the book title for information on how you can order a copy of these books and others by F.R.R. Mallory.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on February 06, 2015 07:00

Ask lunaKM – What Do I Do While I Wait for a Response?

Dear lunaKM,

As a slave in training, what do I do with myself when I’m waiting on my Master to respond to my messages? I start doubting my worth when I don’t get a response within an hour.

–impatient

Dear impatient,

From your brief question I am going to assume that the response you are waiting for is through text, so this could be a long distance or online only relationship. I am going to respond as if this is the case.

Here’s your answer in short: you continue to do what you would be doing without him. You live, make dinner, do chores, go out with friends, work and everything else you enjoy doing. Sitting around and waiting for a response that may or may not come is time wasted. Your partner could be busy, doing life things on his own and not there to wait hand and foot on your messages. While I understand that it’s nice to get responses in a timely manner, there are times when this just isn’t possible.

Now, if you can’t do what you want to do without his okay, then you don’t get to do it until he responds, so have something else to do. If you have to ask permission to go to the bathroom however, I would get a backup plan in place; say for example, you have to wait 5 mins but if you don’t get a response before that you can go.

And if you are often waiting for responses and you desire more attention or communication than he is giving you perhaps it is time you have a heart to heart with him about your expectations for him as your Dominant. If he’s not willing to give you what you need (more communication) then it’s a compatibility issue that you either have to work around, or seek someone else that can give you what he can’t.

–lunaKM

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on February 04, 2015 07:00