Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 66

Communicating While Submissive

This is a guest post by Xiao Yingtai.

Doms keep telling us that they’re not mind-readers, so we have to communicate. But it’s hard! Especially when it’s something they might not want to hear.

The good news is that there is always a submissive way to say it. And you never have to compromise the message. Here is what I wish I’d known ten years ago.

You Can Say It

A. You can ask for anything without breaking the dynamic. The dom has the power, right? It’s their decision whether or not to give you what you want. Recently I forced myself to say, “Sir, I was a puddle after our last scene. This is a lot to ask, but could you check on me every day until I tell you I’m okay?” I got a yes, but on his terms. Perfect!

B. You can and should make it all about yourself. Because the alternative is to tell a dom about domming – yikes! Anything problematic can always be expressed as your own inadequacies/abilities, needs/wants, feelings/reactions, or learning process. Like so: “Ma’am, it kills me that I can’t send you a video, because the idea of you watching me melt drives me crazy. Unfortunately, now I realize that online privacy is a hard limit for me. May I write you a description instead, or is there something else I can do for you?” It’s not that you won’t. You can’t. And you want.

C. The zeroth rule is honesty. No white lies. Even qualifiers like “maybe” are out if they’re insincere. Don’t make the dom work to figure out what you really mean – be explicit, be specific, be direct. Because what we do is incredibly hard, and misunderstanding becomes potentially disastrous. So bare it all: “Sir, I’m sorry I didn’t smile when I saw you today. I was petrified. I always forget the terror of coming into your presence.” Emotional nakedness is not just safer in the long run, it’s HOT. Hand over the ammunition!

Take Your Instincts to the Next Level

1. Be positive. As my first dom told me, “Your happiness is a gift to me.” But it’s not just about smiling. For me, the hardest thing about communicating positively was learning to offer solutions. It’s so tempting to feel like I’ve done my duty by spilling my poor conflicted guts: “Nudity is really hard for me, but I hate feeling like parts of me are off-limits to you.” Poor dom. Is there ANY scenario I’d be happy with? “Could we start with all my clothes on, and could you keep taking off whatever you think I’m ready to handle?” And it worked!

Constructive troubleshooting is not the only way to be positive. Gratitude, hope, a wicked sense of humor: whatever your personality, you have something to offer your dom.

2. Be attentive. Although happy problem-solving positivity is a good default, it can be jarring at the wrong time. Always, always watch for warning signs. If your dom is in pain, then jokes might hurt instead of cheering them up. Conversely, if they’re trying to be funny and you start moralizing, they will feel like they’re not being listened to. Imagine you’re dancing, and follow your partner’s lead.

All too often we do the exact opposite. It seems so natural to counter “THOSE IDIOTS!” with “I’m sure they’re trying their best, dear.” But there is no arguing with fresh emotion. So roll with it. Some doms will want active listening and similar emotional intensity: “That sounds really frustrating, ma’am!” Others might prefer respectful silence at a distance. The right answer is whatever works. If necessary, ask.

3. Be trusting. Do you believe in your dom’s good intentions? Their maturity? Do you believe they care about you? If not, get out now! But if you trust your dom, try not to hide. Come out and ask the real questions. You’ll be amazed how many of your scary assumptions are wrong. Are you angry? Did I embarrass you? What do you like about me? May I break protocol? Could you make that a rule? Should I tell you next time? Can we switch? When in doubt, just ask. Best advice I’ve ever gotten.

Your dom needs a safe place to answer, too. A tough question doesn’t have to sound like an accusation if you make it about your needs and their feelings. Occasionally, once I’ve managed to frame the question like that, the turmoil goes away and I don’t even need to ask.

Cautionary Postscripts

PS. It is actually extremely easy to hurt a dom’s feelings. They are trusting us to act like they are in charge, doing the right thing, and utterly adored. You can shatter that trust with a word. Even indirect criticism hurts, e.g. “Sir, are you going to change implements soon?” So try not to blame your feelings on their actions. Link them to your own needs: “I’m losing the headspace. Can you help me?”

PPS. What’s right for you? I know someone whose protocol specifies a pleasing facial expression, so she hides her emotions until it’s a good time to talk. I couldn’t live like that. I want to speak up as soon as possible: “Sir, it’s been an awful day. Can we talk about something else?” And then there are other subs who are supposed to cry whenever they feel like it. The common principle is that hard truths need to be communicated or they WILL blow up - the only question is whether the talk happens now or a bit later. What do you need? What does your dom want?

Need a Cheat Sheet?
You can say anything if you say it right.
Think about what you want to achieve.
Speak from your vulnerability and trust.

Everything else is implementation. Which is not trivial – I struggle with every single point above. So I try, and I fail, and I learn.

Because the best conversations start with: “I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. What should I do next time?”

For more advice on communication, please see my sources: Ties That Bind by Guy Baldwin, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg, slave sarah’s class Charm School, and Eric Pride’s class PlaySpace.

For etiquette, please see the links in my essay on protocol or lunaKM’s Submissive Speech series. I am uncomfortable with some of their generalizations, but as practical tips they’re excellent.

Finally, many thanks to slave sarah, jade, Sciophilous and other friends for helpful criticism. All remaining foolishness is my own!

Xiao Yingtai is a straight female submissive who has been in and out of the scene since 1999. She blogs about BDSM, books and missing links at The University Of Abject Submission.

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on December 19, 2014 07:00

Submissive Chat Night – Holiday Free Chat

It’s time again for another chat night here at Submissive Guide. I’d welcome everyone to come on in Tuesday night for a bit of conversation. The topic is going to be free chat. Anything and everything can be discussed. Please come with questions or a curiosity about Dominant/submissive relationships.

Info

When: 12/23/14 8 PM CST – 9:30 PM CST (Not in CST? Find out the time where you are!)

Where: Chat room on the website, or use an IRC Client

Topic: Free chat

HOW TO GET TO THE CHAT ROOM

The chat room is attached to this site under the link at the top, or you can click this link here. It will ask for your nickname and then automatically connect you to the chat room. It is open all the time, so if you want to meet some people, hang out in there. I try to be there when I’m at my computer too.

If you use an IRC desktop client you can connect to the server directly. Here is the information you need to find the room:

Server: irc.kink-network.com

Port: 6667

Channel: #submissive-guide

Questions? Let me know. Otherwise I hope to see a lot of you there on Tuesday!

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on December 18, 2014 07:00

Ask lunaKM – Do Dominants Love Their Submissives?

Hi I’m kind of new to the BDSM lifestyle, I’m a submissive and I haven’t really started this type of relationship yet. I was just wondering do dominants love their submissive partner? How can I find a dominant that is safe and caring online? I’m sorry if I sound uneducated, but please help me. Thank you for reading this. :)

Dear needing love,

In generic terms, relationships are what the people in them wish them to be. The majority of intimate relationships have love as a basis and that does not exclude D/s ones. Dominants can and do love their submissives. But just as often there are relationships where love does not come into play. Some D/s relationships are just to serve a purpose and not to have an intimate relationship. Others can’t exist without love’s emotions.

So when you go looking for a relationship partner, if love is important to you, make sure it is to them too.

As for finding a Dominant online that is safe and caring? That’s a challenge, but not an impossible one. Know who you are looking for before you start looking. If this means you need to take some time to learn who you are, then do it. There is no need to rush into a relationship that could be wrong for you just to sample D/s. It will come when you are ready. Once on dating sites, you will have to be judicious in your weeding out the negative fit and being very diligent in finding someone who fits your personality and list of compatibility before committing to them. It’s like dating the world over. You have to get to know them first before you’ll trust them enough to have sex with. The same goes for play and power exchange. Go out on dates, get comfortable with them, feel the attraction and ultimately whatever you have in common.

Listen to your gut. If it’s right then it will feel right. If it’s wrong you’ll feel that too. Best of luck.

–lunaKM

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on December 17, 2014 07:00

Book Review: Unconventional Desires by Victoria L. Sadler

Unconventional Desires: A Dairy of Discovery….Domination, Submission, Sadism and Masochism is the début novel from Victoria L. Sadler. Mrs. Sadler contacted me and asked if I would be interested in reviewing her book for Submissive Guide and being the avid reader of BDSM fiction that I am, I happily accepted and I can honestly say that this is not something I regret reading.

Unconventional Desires tells the story of Victoria, a young twenty something woman who is very carefully exploring the world of BDSM through an online chat room where she meets someone local and they decide to meet. The story is told from Victoria’s point of view through journal entries starting in December 1998 and spanning over the next ten months. Readers are able to get a very clear picture of everything that Victoria is thinking and feeling while exploring her relationship with Sebastian and how to balance that with her workload, living at home with her parents, and vanilla friendships. There are also many times where Victoria finds herself struggling with her submission and wondering if the BDSM lifestyle is really the right place for her.

I really, really, love this book for several different reasons. One, I enjoy the writing style, being written in the first person perspective in the diary form. This is a style of writing I have always greatly enjoyed. Two, there are no millionaires or private helicopters. All of the characters are your average everyday run of the mill characters, which to me, makes the story much more relatable to the readers. Three, I feel that any submissive or slave who reads this book, they can very easily relate to Victoria and the struggles she has through her journey and overcomes her fears while having her limits pushed-something every s-type has experienced at some point during their journey.

I want to end this review with a quote from the book. This particular quote spoke volumes to me because it is something that every s-type has to deal with at some point in their relationship:

I do not consider this abuse; I entered into this relationship knowing what the ground rules were and what both needed. He tempers his sadism with care and I feel if he didn’t, then perhaps it could verge on abuse and I would be gone. What I do for him is an expression of my affection for him and my desire to please. Though I do not just do this for him, this fulfills a craving in me which I comprehend but maybe never entirely accept. …I have to concentrate on what I need and want, not make comparisons with other’s relationships. We all have different needs and desires. …it has finally dawned on me that it really doesn’t matter what other people think about our life. I said that it doesn’t matter what other people think, that’s not strictly true as it really depends on who those people are.

You can purchase Unconventional Desires…a Dairy of Discovery for Kindle on Amazon and you can connect with Victoria on Facebook and also on the Unconventional Desires website.

Tequila R’s Rating: 10/10

Print Length: 295 Pages

Publisher: Victoria Louise Sadler (August 6, 2014)

Language: English

ASIN: B00MHZ0Q9Q

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on December 16, 2014 07:00

BDSM Basics: Staying Safe with SSC

In my earlier BDSM Basics videos you learned about being kinky and what roles you might like to try while you explore the great big world of BDSM. Today I’m going to talk about safety. Every new thing you try is full of risks, some you are willing to take and others you aren’t. So knowing about the safety precautions that can save your mind and body are always a good thing. Sure it tends to be a boring discussion but very necessary if you plan on engaging in BDSM activities.

Safety in BDSM comes with a mantra. Safe, sane and consensual; boiled down to SSC. What a lot you may be wondering though is what is safe and sane when it comes to BDSM play. Fantasies aren’t always about being safe or about staying within the boundaries of society. To enact them out will likely present you with some risk. Even something as simple as a spanking comes with a bit of risk.

Safe

With that in mind the idea behind being safe is that everyone is aware that there are risks in what they are doing and are prepared to learn, understand and practice safe play. Take, for example, that spanking from above. Risks might include bruising or welts, dangerous areas of the buttocks that can’t handle a full strike or shouldn’t be struck at all. And in all play there are things to consider like negotiation where you talk about what you want to do and what medical, emotional or physical stress you might be under before you play. Safety is all about prepared awareness.

Some people will argue that nothing we do in BDSM is really safe and that we all play with a level of risk awareness instead. That’s an okay way to think of it too. In that case, safety is relative to the awareness of the people involved and the preparedness they have in dealing with the risk and consequences should something go wrong. It’s about your own sense of safety in this instance. Also, making sure you are using protection and safe barriers when playing.

Sane

Sanity is questionable right? Well, no. A BDSM activity is sane when it can be enacted in reality safely and without consequence. There are some extreme fantasies out there that just aren’t sane. Mutilation fantasies, extreme blood-letting, play with non-consenting partners and so on and so on. None of these can sanely be acted upon. Sure you can fantasize about them, and there are some people who can create a false sense that they are actually happening to act out the fantasy for someone. But never does the play actually occur.

Sanity also means that you and your partner will not play under the influence. Anything that can cloud your judgement, your senses or your mental capacities is dangerous and immediately withdraws consent. Yes, you’ve likely heard of people playing while drunk and being okay with that. But when was the last time you had good judgement while under the influence? Really?

Consensual

Consensuality is the largest factor in anything we do in BDSM. It has a lot to do with agreeing to explore and try new things. It means we trust our partners and it means we trust our awareness of the risks involved. It’s probably one reason consent is so very important to BDSM. It’s also important to understand that consenting to play also means that you consent to your feelings and reactions to the play when it’s all done. Feelings of regret, confusion and lack of understanding can happen, but remembering that you consented might ease them a bit. (And give your partner a bit of confidence that you aren’t going to report them to the police for something you clearly consented to at the time.)

Remember, keep it safe, within the boundaries of reality and inside agreed limits and you’ll have a great time!

Are you just getting started in BDSM? What sorts of questions do you have? They just might end up in the next Beginning BDSM video post!

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on December 15, 2014 15:00

End of Year eBook Sale!

There’s nothing like a good ebook sale!

From now until the end of the year all of my ebooks purchased through this site are 40% off! To get this deal you must use the discount code below

SnowSale14

All of my books are a part of this sale and you can purchase them as many times as you wish until the deadline. So what are you waiting for?

Head on over to the ebooks list and pick out one you’ve had your eye on!

Buy Now!

Oh and if you needed more incentive, some of the prices for the ebooks have gone down… permanently! You’ll not only get the newer, lower price, but the sale on top of it! Check it out and remember to use the discount code SnowSale14.

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on December 12, 2014 10:00

Getting started at the kinky buffet

Photo by University of Exter (CC by 2.0)

I will never forget the feeling of “coming home” when I opened the door to BDSM. My whole being was able to relax knowing I was submissive and that I was not the only one. I was also excited beyond belief and felt like I had so much to learn about this new side of me that was just coming into light. Information about this new person was only a click away on some website or the next page in the book. I wanted to know everything I could and I didn’t want to wait. This is often the experience with someone who is new to submission – there is a lot to learn and it feels like you need to know it all right now to fully participate in your life. (Note from lunaKM: See Sub Frenzy to learn more about this phenomenon.)

What if we looked at kink like a huge buffet spread. Mmmmm…that looks amazing! There are so many offerings on the table it goes from one end of a huge hall to the other. There are delights you have only dreamed about and ones that have a more familiar feel to what you already know.

You can approach the table in one of two ways.

Plate 1: You start at one end and take a little bit of everything because it all looks so good and you pile it high on your plate when the bottom layer starts to run out of room. Then you find yourself a seat and you start devouring all the goodies you managed to collect. Your stomach starts to hurt as you quickly stuff it all in. You have been sampling so many foods, all the tastes start to blend together. You can’t quite remember what you have eaten. Your stomach tries to digest all of this food at once and you feel bloated and icky.

Plate 2: You take a walk down the table first, without putting anything on your plate – no commitments yet. You take some very quick glances to see exactly what is offered now. Then you go back and pick just a few items that piqué your curiosity and then you head to the table and start to eat the selection you have picked to check out today. You savour each of the samples you have and you know which ones really make your taste buds dance and which you might not pick next time. You think about the foods you are eating and you don’t rush your dining experience. You sit back, and your stomach starts to digest and you can relax and feel nourished by the meal.

Which option sounds the most nourishing? I think most of us would agree that plate 2 sounds better.

When we approach our learning about BDSM and kink, it is presented to us in very much the same way. With websites, books, classes, fetish parties, and munches, the opportunities to sample from this big buffet are huge! It is tempting when we are new to load up on everything all at once and attempt to take it all in as fast as possible. But it can leave us feeling confused about what we liked, what we didn’t, and where to go next.

A healthier approach is when we slow ourselves down and decide on only a few items to sample. We take those in and then we take the time to digest – or in this case, reflect about what we have taken in. Think about what you learned. How does it sit with your current values? Did anything feel unsettling? What excited you even further? It is great to have a curiosity about what is in front of you, but it is even more beneficial when you take the time to interpret all the information that is coming in. Many will find that writing it out can be helpful (or if you are artistic, maybe drawing) for many and it may help you see how your understanding of different concepts have changed over time. Just like you might not like brussels sprouts the first 5 times you tried them and then encounter them cooked a little differently and suddenly, they aren’t so bad anymore.

You have been presented with a great opportunity to learn about yourself through your submissive journey. When everything is new and exciting, it can be easy to get swept away in the moment and want to do it all right now. But it can leave you feeling confused and no further ahead than you were when you started. Pick a few things that really get your curiosity going and find a way to sample it. Then let that sink in.

It isn’t easy to slow down when something feels so right and captures our excitement. How are you slowing down to enjoy the flavours of this delicious kinky buffet?

Submissive Guide Recommends These Beginner BDSM Books:

Related Posts:
How to Safely Manage Sub Frenzy
Finding Your Way to a Genuine Self
Male submission – Financial Domination
Rules for the Working Sub
Single Submissives Need Personal Responsibility

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on December 11, 2014 07:00

Ask lunaKM – When stress increases my submissive drive crashes, help!

Dear lunaKM,

I’m fairly new to the lifestyle and Master is quite experienced. I enjoy everything that we’ve done and look forward to more. Until I met Master, I didn’t know I was submissive so this is a whole new world. I haven’t had any issues with following his rules and have been very obedient. I love the structure this has provided for my once crazy life. But, there are times when I seem to fall apart. When my stress level hits a peak I break down. I was just curious if this is something that other subs go through? If so, what have they found that seems to work? I’ve always had this problem, but now my break downs are much further apart and not as dramatic. Master and I feel that more structure could potentially help, but he is worried that I might rebel if given too much too fast, and I’ve not been punished for anything yet due to Master easing me into the life.

Dear stressed sub,

Everyone, Dominants and submissives included, go through times that the stress gets to be the one focus and everything else seems to fall away. Learning how to manage yourself through the stress is a big challenge but once managed can help you keep stress from tearing you apart and making you break down. 13 Tips for Managing Stress can help you learn how to manage the situation that is causing your stress. Once you can understand the stress you can begin to learn to keep your head in a submissive state and not break down as often.

Your partner may have it right for you. If he sees structure as helping direct the chaos of stress and channel it into positive things than adding more structure could be a long-term solution. I’ve often advised others not to drop the D/s during stressful situations, but rather keep it strong and forefront as much as possible. It’s a positive solid thing in your life and the stress is not. You want to surround yourself with comforts and maintaining the D/s dynamic can help keep your head in the game and give you the mental tools to work on the stress together.

I don’t manage stress well. It tends to manifest into physical conditions like headaches, stomach ages and intense fatigue. But I know that what helps me get through is knowing that KnyghtMare still expects me to do what he’s asked and that the duties he’s assigned me must still be accomplished. Sometimes it’s the escape I need to really see the stressful situation for what it is and work through it, bit by bit.

I wish you luck.

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

How I Balance Independence and Submission

Are you a strong and independent person who identifies with the “right side of the slash” (as in /submissive or /slave)? Are you confused by your submissive drive given that you don’t consider yourself to be a submissive person?

When I wrote about empowerment through submission, several people contacted me to learn more about how to balance independence and submission. This is something I really struggled with in the beginning, so I thought it deserved an article of its own.

I know exactly how you feel. I once told someone that I don’t have a submissive bone in my body, and shortly afterwards I discovered the truth—I am, in fact, a natural submissive; submission (in all aspects of my life) is a part of me. Once I accepted the truth, I realized that submission and independence are not mutually exclusive. If you met me in real life, you probably wouldn’t guess that I’m submissive.

Confused yet? Welcome to my world!

At the time I made this realization (through the help of the man who eventually became my mentor and my Dom), I was working a very stressful job in the world of the NCAA and college athletics, which is obviously a male dominated world already. As such, I was used to asserting myself to make sure I was being heard. I was often the only female in the travel party during team trips. I had a slew of students whose lives I “managed.” By “managed” I mean that there were students that I woke up in the morning with a phone call, met for breakfast to ensure they were awake, and walked to class to make sure they arrived. Yeah. Managed. I could tell you how they spent each hour of the day, and I had carte blanche to tell them what they needed to do, and when. I had Coach’s blessing in all of this. Sometimes, if the situation warranted it, I could even bench a player.

In short, in my professional life I felt much more like a Domme than a submissive.

However, when my great revelation came about (again, thanks to my beloved former Dom), I realized that while I controlled other people’s lives for a living, there was no desire for me to do this in my personal life. Could I be a Domme? Absolutely. Would I want to be a Domme? Definitely not. This was the first step. The fact is that I craved the ability to give control of certain areas to someone else.

Next, as Sir and I created our list of areas that he could control, it became clear that I had a solid grasp on many areas of my life, though I tended to ignore my own needs in favor of those around me. So our D/s relationship focused on fun things like orgasm control and what to wear, along with attaining fitness goals and budgeting time for myself and figuring out a work-life balance. Sir wanted me to continue living my daily life as usual because he lived 2000 miles away and needed me to continue to take charge of things. It was always nice being able to ask for his input, but it was also nice knowing that I was making him happy by proving that I was self-sufficient, and that he didn’t have to worry about the everyday minutiae.

These days, as a single submissive, I am learning that the downfall to independence in D/s is that it makes it very challenging to attend kinky events in a submissive headspace. In fact, this is one area that I haven’t been able to work out yet. I actually cancelled my membership to the local kinky club because I can’t bring myself to attend events as a submissive. (More on this in a future article) In my fiercely independent mind, going into a room full of Dominants as a single submissive is too challenging for me. I want to be in control of the situation until I feel comfortable enough to let my submissive side-show. It might sound incredibly contradictory, but I can’t help it. (If anyone has any advice on this subject, please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments section)

The biggest key for submissives who consider themselves independent is that we must be open and honest not only with our Dominants, but with ourselves as well. If you are seeking someone to dominate your life in a 24/7 total power exchange relationship, you might relinquish your independence [in as much as the relationship calls for it]. In my case, Sir wasn’t interested in running my life, but he was very willing to help me figure out the work-life balance piece. That meant he had the ability to say “stop” and I had no choice but to listen. This is what I wanted, and it was part of what we agreed to. While a huge part of submission is being challenged-either by pushing limits, stepping outside of comfort zones, or trying to improve one’s life-submissives must be honest enough to not set themselves up to fail. If you’re reading this and you’re new to the world of D/s and M/s, and you’re independent but don’t want to follow the rules set forth by your Dominant or Master, then maybe D/s isn’t right for you. You must have a conversation to establish the rules of your relationship, and while you should definitely review and revise them once or twice a year, once they are set, they are set. As submissives, our satisfaction and pleasure comes from pleasing our Doms and Masters, not arguing or fighting over the rules with them. That’s why we set rules and conditions and limits in advance. (Unless being bratty is part of your relationship dynamic)

So to sum it up, you can most certainly be independent and submissive. Just be sure that you’re honest about what you want in your submission. Know the areas that you can’t or won’t be able to cede control over, and then be sure that you’re open and honest with your partner. Communication is key. If you’re not sure how to approach the subject, think of it this way: If your Dom doesn’t have to worry about whether you woke up on time or handled your car payment, then he can focus on the things that you both enjoy. I’d wager that it will be pleasing to him that he can count on you to do things on your own. If you need to remain in control in the workplace, perhaps your Dom can remind you of your submission by requesting that you attend a big meeting without your panties. Those kinds of requests can have a huge impact and are great reminders of your submission while you’re in your independent headspace.

Do you consider yourself to be and independent submissive? How do you balance being independent and submissive? Share your thoughts with us!

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on December 09, 2014 07:00

How Far Should You Go On a First Date?

photo by Nattu (https://www.flickr.com/photos/nattu/) CC BY 2.0

from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 9/6/14

When I was a novice submissive I was single and searching for a Dominant to be my playmate, my partner and my lover. I explored all the places online that existed at the time, many that do not exist now or have been replaced by better sites. I was, in a word, desperate, to experience BDSM and D/s and wanted it all now, no matter what I had to do or how naïve I appeared (and was). I went on many first dates in my frenzy to have a Dominant. My first dates ran the gamut of things you can do and should do and definitely should not do. So how far should you go on a first date?

First, I’d like to remind you that my experience and yours are different, sometimes very different. I’m not here to judge you or tell you that because you chose to do this and that and I tell you here that it’s not recommended on first dates that it’s wrong. It’s just generally a poor idea. I don’t know you. I can’t be you. But I do hope that my suggestions and advice will allow novice submissives that haven’t yet figured out how they want a first date to go some ideas and a solid foundation to start from.

Before you even set up a first date with a potential Dominant you should have an idea of what you are looking for in a partner. It’s going to be hard at first, but you need to see past the BDSM haze that you want to try everything and really figure out what an ideal partner looks like for you. Yes, its obvious that you want them to be compatible with you in the BDSM and D/s sense but what else? Do they have similar religious and political beliefs? Does that matter to you? What about morals? Plans for the future? Do they want children or marriage? Are they interested in a poly relationship but you want monogamy? These are all important questions that you should know the answers to and you should start asking these questions to someone who you think you’d like to meet before you meet them. Why waste time on a date if you find out that they just don’t align well with other things you need in a partner besides their prowess with a cane?

If, after the initial conversations you find a lot of common ground then set up the date. For safety sake, make it in a public place (even if you are a male sub meeting a female Dominant). By public place I mean somewhere that is well-lit, other people will be around you and the doors aren’t locked behind you. Good suggestions for first dates are restaurants, coffee shops and even shopping centers. Even if the lusty attraction is strong, you both will have plenty of time to feed that lust after a safe first meeting.

I should have listened to that advice when I had it given to me long ago. Most of my first dates ended up in bed and in unsafe bondage or uncomfortable situations in a private setting. I was very cavalier in my frenzied lust for BDSM. My common sense just didn’t scream loud enough. I hope that I don’t have to scream at you to get you to hear what your gut is saying. Because you need to listen to it. Listen closely. If it feels wrong, then it is. No matter what reason is behind that, trust your gut feeling and analyze it later. Just get out of the situation.

Every single person has a different idea of how far to go on a first date or what a first date should involve. Some are perfectly okay playing on a first date, or meeting in a hotel room, or even flying half way across the country to meet someone they have never met before. What usually comes with these sorts of plans is experience, wisdom and pre-planning. From safe calls, extensive background checks, assurance in themselves that they will be safe or a risk they are willing to take. Life is about picking a road you want to take.

So how far should you go on a first date? Here’s the key: don’t agree to go any further than you feel comfortable doing at that very moment. Don’t make plans to play if you aren’t sure you’ll be attracted to them when you meet or if you don’t know enough about them to be sure of their experience or whatever else might be causing hesitation. You want to go into the initial exchanges without hesitation. If you have that, listen to your gut and wait. There’s nothing wrong in waiting. The best stuff can wait.

Don’t listen to pressure. You know you’ll get some too, the Dominants that aren’t interested in more than what they can’t have right away. The horny Dominants that just want to get you into the dungeon and do small talk after they’ve “tested” if you are a good enough sub. Sex and play does not make you a good sub, it makes you a bottom and a risky one if you are going to cave under pressure from someone you barely know.

Yes a lot of people, including novice submissives may be looking just for casual play partners or experience with someone without a longer term partner. But this first date/meeting is important in these situations too. Allow me to be your voice of conscience and don’t rush. You will find someone, they will wait for you to be ready and when you are it will be magical.

Thoughts to Ponder
What are your first dates like?
Do you have any advice for others who are getting ready to go on their first date with a Dominant?
Interesting Links
How to Stay Safe While Dating
Keeping Your Safety in Mind While You Date
7 Things Women Expect on a First Date
The First Date – What to Do and What Not to Do
Related Posts:
Ask lunaKM – What should I expect the first meeting?
First Meetings Done Safely
Identifying Fake Dominants and Posers
Finding Your Way to a Genuine Self
Ask lunaKM – Personal Safety Advice

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Published on December 08, 2014 07:00