Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 69

Cancelled – Chat Night for Tonight (11/11/14)

Sorry folks, I’m going to have to cancel this one. I’ll repeat this topic at a later date!

–lunaKM

On Perfectionism

Can I just be really honest with you today? You know what one of the hardest parts about blogging has been for me?

It’s that some readers want me to be perfect.

I know they’d probably never say out loud, “I expect you to be a perfect submissive,” but if I admit that I don’t know the answer to their situation or that I can’t write about a particular topic, they are disappointed and they voice that disappointment.

Here’s the thing: I understand that part of blogging in a public forum is that people assume that I’m ready with all the answers, especially when I have ten years in the lifestyle and I write about submission and slavery almost everyday. I’m experienced so why shouldn’t I know everything, right?

More and more, though, I’m becoming okay with it. Because I realize that it’s exhausting to try to please everyone.

I don’t have it altogether.

I sometimes don’t do all of my chores.

I snap back at KnyghtMare occasionally.

I can and do get in trouble.

I don’t know a lot about roles and dynamics that I’ve not experienced.

And sometimes I change my mind and the opinion I once had no longer applies.

Last month I announced that I wasn’t going to do Nanowrimo again this year and while I did gt a lot of support from readers, there were a few of you who messaged me disappointed that I wasn’t going to push myself to meet my annual goal of content creation. That perhaps Submissive Guide was going to suffer because of my decision.

And then when I mentioned in my Reflections recently that I was struggling with growing older because I had failed to achieve my weight loss goals yet again I got even more messages from people giving me unsolicited diet advice and others shocked that I didn’t have the best body image or that I failed at a goal when I seem to be so put together.

I’m sure my readers meant well, but in each case they don’t know me personally or my situation. They didn’t know that I’ve fought severe writer’s block and a disinterest in blogging in general. They also didn’t know that I’ve done some form or weigh loss efforts for over 20 years and it’s clear I know how to research weight loss tips and tricks. I have to do what’s best for myself and my situation. I have to follow my own advice and give myself some grace – even if it means disappointing some of you.

What I’m learning though is that as I share my struggles and difficulties that while I disappoint some of my readers, I am helping so many more realize that I’m just like they are and that I falter too. We’re in this together.

I’d rather disappoint a few people and be honest and transparent than pretend that I have it altogether and make some people feel like they can’t measure up.

None of us have it together. None of us are perfect. But we can learn from each other, cheer each other on when we falter and get inspired by our successes.

When we are honest with ourselves and with others, we are stronger for it. Who’s with me?

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on November 10, 2014 07:00

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks,

This has been a hard week for me as a slave. I’m struggling so if I’m not as upbeat as I hope to be, you’ll know why. And remember – everyone has moments like this. I’ll recover and so can you.

Oh and can you believe they are threatening SNOW this early in the season. Not fair Mother Nature!

Join the growing list of fans that get to hang out with me monthly on Google Hangout!
Monthly Video Posts Return! Thank you for the support. Next Goal: Upgrade the ServersI work hard to write and produce the content and I don’t ask for much in return. This is a small way you can show me that you appreciate my efforts. If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a patron of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $3 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation. Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:

This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

The Day I Stopped Rejecting Compliments and Learned to Love Myself
Reactive and Proactive Service: What’s the Difference? by tequilarose
A Day in the Life: WKslittleone by WKslittleone

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask lunaKM Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

Ask lunaKM – Communication in an Online D/s Relationship
I have been in my first D/s relationship (online) for about a month. What is your view concerning the care, direction and contact of Dominants w/their subs? I know we are all different, but I have nothing to compare. Contact is spotty and I feel a bit lost. Some days I get a long list of tasks, yet other days I hear nothing. I adore my Dom, but don’t know how to address this issue. Not looking for a 24/7 live-in, but need more direction. What should I expect? Thanks, Daisy

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2013: 30 Days of Submission: Day 10 – BDSM and Kink in the Submissive Relationship
In 2012: Ask lunaKM – Adding D/s to the Bedroom
In 2011: My Top 10 Low Cost Gift Ideas for Your Dominant
In 2010: Purging Your Emotional Garbage Can Will Prepare You Better for Service
In 2009: How To Help Your Dominant Recover From Play

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Next Submissive Guide Chat Night

Come make friends and chit-chat. Twice monthly discussions, all are welcome. Chat room is open 24/7 for conversation.

Date: November 11th, 2014

Time: 8PM Central (Not in CST? Find out the time where you are!)
Topic: Finding a Compatible BDSM Partner

Join Chat Room Now!

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

How do you define strength, and do you see yourself as strong? Is slavery unaffected by the presence or absence of strength? Could you see yourself submitting to someone less strong than yourself?
“Ritual is important. It is fulfilling and meaningful. It is beautiful. It is symbolic, mnemonic, and instructive. It establishes protocols. It expresses, defines, and clarifies conditions. It is essential to, and ingredient within, civilization. Similarly, do not overlook the significance and value of symbolism.” Vagabonds of Gor, John Norman
If you could say three things to the world about the nature of your personal sexuality and really be heard, understood, and accepted, what would you say?
Is there such a thing as a “true” slave/submissive?
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!
Featured Podcast of the Week – The Fearless Submissive

Lee Harrington joins me for my 50th episode!! We talk about submission, safewords, and the things we carry with us through our journey.

Podcast: Episode 50

Check out the Passion and Soul Podcast

Lee Harrington’s Website

Check out more awesome shows on the Erotic Awakenings Podcast Network.

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on November 09, 2014 10:00

A Day in the Life: WKslittleone

This is a guest post by WKslittle one for the Day in the Life Series. Cap/uncapped writing is the author’s way of written communication and is a common choice for online LDR relationships. The Day in the Life Series is the only time I allow posts with non-standard grammar/spelling methods. If this bothers you, then please feel free to skip the post.

my mornings begin at about 06:30, the first thing i do is reach under my pillow to find my phone so i can read the email my Dom has sent me while i sleep. We have a time difference of 5 hours which means i am usually asleep well before He is finished His working day. Usually the email will tell me a little about His day and how He is feeling and might thank me for my service the previous day, it will also outline some items of clothing or jewelry i should wear that day, or perhaps how to wear my hair or a shade of lipstick, there might also be an instruction to mark myself with a text He gives me. i have photographed all my clothes, make-up and accessories so He can pick and choose what He would like to see me in, i also don’t make any purchases of new clothing, lipsticks or nail polish unless they are approved.

We have an ocean between us and have never met but not for the want of it, however circumstances on both sides keep us apart. i have served my Owner for just over a year now and it has been the happiest year of my life, when he found me i was about a year into my journey and was as i am now and as i think we all are, still discovering my submission and the heights to which it would take me. i have always known i was different to those around me and i have always wanted different things and made different demands of myself but never really understood or questioned why until i was emerging from the darkness of a long bout of depression and had a eureka moment, i have never looked back and since i met my Owner i have never had that darkness threaten to descend again.

While i eat my breakfast (from a pre approved menu) i take time to write to my Dom and tell him about my mood, my plans for the day be it in work or if it’s the weekend my plans to clean and tidy the house, i always make sure i let Him know of any free time i have during the day when we might be able to chat online or at the weekend we sometimes have an overlap of free time and we can chat on Skype and if i am fortunate i can serve Him more directly this way, we can watch a movie or TV show together, i like to read for Him too and i read whatever book i am reading aloud and record it so He can listen to it when i am asleep. i will take time in my emails to thank Him for the good care He takes of me and express my love and devotion. We were very fortunate to find each other and we “clicked” straight away as though we were made for each other, the strength of our bond allows us to have an extremely strong and passionate relationship despite the barriers we must overcome. i have given myself to Him completely as His submissive, His lover and His friend and we are in a monogamous relationship which is wonderful as we are both jealous and greedy for each other, i can no more imagine being shared with another than i can imagine agreeing to a poly relationship, it’s just not the nature of who we are or our particular flavour of D/s.

i always send a photo to Him of my clothes before i dress, and of myself when i am dressed so He can see how happy i am in my submission before setting off about my day. Then it’s a dash to get my children to school and myself to work. We try to keep in touch during the day, i always watch out for an email from Him when he wakes and then again when He reaches His office and i email when i can with random thoughts, stories of my day or sometimes photos of where i am or what i am doing or eating! i write a journal entry for him once a week discussing how my journey has been or what has been on my mind in relation to our relationship that week; i also send links to my D/s reading for the week and some of the newspaper articles i read daily. When time permits i like to write to Him the old-fashioned way with a beautiful fountain pen He sent me and sometimes send a shirt so he can smell my skin, and He does the same for me, it’s a wonderful moment when we get each other’s packages, better than any Christmas present, i love being surrounded by Him and long for the day when we can be together on the same continent and breathe the same air.

In the evenings when i get home things are quite hectic for a few hours as i go through homework and get dinner for my children but once that is done i can finally shower and take time to write again about my day. If i am lucky He is home before i go to bed and we can chat online for a little while and a few times during the week we sleep together thanks to Skype, it’s a wonderful comfort to wake during the night and see and hear each other sleeping and breathing on the other side of the ocean, i don’t think i ever smile as much as i do when He wakes me in the middle of the night to let me know He has come to bed and i am once again welcomed into His service.

Wkslittleone is a full-time working mother of three just about still on the right side of forty who has overcome depression and discovered that she should have met her true submissive self earlier! she is in a long distance relationship with her Dom/lover/best friend for just over a year and is passionate about all forms of service to and for Him. When not working she spends her days cooking, cleaning, practicing Yoga, reading and writing journals, letters and emails. Her goal in life is to be locked away in a cottage in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do but focus on her service and her submission.

Would you like to tell us what a typical day is like in your submissive life?
This series will present to you another submissive's typical day of service to their Dominant so you can walk in their shoes for awhile. It's fun to learn and grow and understand where others are coming from. Do you have a story to share? This series is an ongoing one - so please feel free to send me your Day in the Life stories. Check out this post for requirements and how to send them to me!

If you'd like to see who else has participated, this post has the current list.
Related Posts:
A Day in the Life: Tlbsab
A Day in the Life: Pam
A Day in the Life: fuzzyP
What’s a Day in Your Life as a Submissive Like?
A Day in the Life: moonlight

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on November 07, 2014 07:00

Submissive Chat Night: Finding a Compatible Dominant Partner

It’s time again for another chat night here at Submissive Guide. I’d welcome everyone to come on in Tuesday for a bit of conversation. Anything and everything can be discussed. Please come with questions or a curiosity about Dominant/submissive relationships.

Info

When: 11/11/14 @ 8 PM CST – 9:30 PM CST (Not in CST? Find out the time where you are!)

Where: Chat room on the website, or use an IRC Client

Topic: Finding a Compatible Dominant Partner

Where to find Dominants
How to date when BDSM or D/s are included
What additional compatibility do you need?
How to address expectations, needs, desires
more…

HOW TO GET TO THE CHAT ROOM

The chat room is attached to this site under the link at the top, or you can click this link here. It will ask for your nickname and then automatically connect you to the chat room. It is open all the time, so if you want to meet some people, hang out in there. I try to be there when I’m at my computer too.

If you use an IRC desktop client you can connect to the server directly. Here is the information you need to find the room:

Server: irc.kink-network.com

Port: 6667

Channel: #submissive-guide

Questions? Let me know. Otherwise I hope to see a lot of you there on Tuesday!

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on November 06, 2014 07:00

Ask lunaKM – Communication in an Online D/s Relationship

Dear lunaKM,

I have been in my first D/s relationship (online) for about a month. What is your view concerning the care, direction and contact of Dominants w/their subs? I know we are all different, but I have nothing to compare. Contact is spotty and I feel a bit lost. Some days I get a long list of tasks, yet other days I hear nothing. I adore my Dom, but don’t know how to address this issue. Not looking for a 24/7 live-in, but need more direction. What should I expect? Thanks, Daisy

Hi Daisy,

When your communication is limited online there are a few considerations to think about when you start a D/s relationship on this medium. I understand that you are feeling lost and that’s not surprising when this is your first relationship online and you don’t know what to expect. There is a fantastic free ebook on Submissive Guide written by myself and Jessica Elizabeth about online relationships. I suggest you go pick it up and share it with your Dominant too. You’ll pick up a lot of very good information and help you understand how online D/s is different from real-time D/s and how to make it work for you.

Every relationship requires a getting to know you period and communicating your wants, needs and expectations. I’m going out on a limb to assume you haven’t covered all of these in the short time you’ve been together. So as soon as possible to talk to him about what kind of communication and amount of contact you need to feel stable and confident. You will both need to agree on a level of contact for the relationship to work at all. And don’t tell him that the amount you currently have is enough or you wouldn’t be asking me about it.

You are right that every relationship is different and I can’t give you exact details on what to expect as far as care, direction or level of contact. What I can say is that you have a lot more talking ahead if you want to make the relationship feel right for you. You should never feel afraid to talk to him about these things or your needs may never be addressed. Just because you are a submissive doesn’t mean you have no say in how the relationship functions.

Say you need more direction, more rules or more communication; how do you bring that up? Well, the next time you see him online, tell him you’d like to talk about how you feel the relationship is progressing and that you feel a need for more direction or rules. You may have to suggest a few of your own, so have that prepared. For example, if you think you might like a rule centered around orgasms, then don’t be afraid to suggest it. If it’s fun and helpful for your submission then it might be fun and helpful to him too. If you don’t know what you might want but feel lost anyway then I strongly suggest you explore your own place in submission with research and exploring how a life as a submissive might be for you. Reading Submissive Guide is a great first step, but so is asking questions and participating in online forums related to submission and BDSM. Learn about the things that interest you. Then share that information with him. Explore!

Ultimately, use the only methods of communication you have to talk to him about your feelings and needs for more.

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on November 05, 2014 07:00

Reactive and Proactive Service: What’s the Difference?

"Works Progress Administration maid poster cropped" by Works_Progress_Administration_maid_poster.jpg: WPAderivative work: Chzz ► - Works_Progress_Administration_maid_poster.jpg. Licensed under Public domain via Wikimedia Commons - http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Works_Progress_Administration_maid_poster_cropped.jpg#mediaviewer/File:Works_Progress_Administration_maid_poster_cropped.jpg

In the other article, I wrote about the differences between micromanaging and macromanaging and now I’m going to cover the differences between reactive service and proactive service. This was a little harder to do because most of what I could find online was comparing reactive service to anticipatory service, which is similar to proactive service, but not quite the same thing. I’ll get to explaining that a little later.

The biggest help I had to define exactly what reactive and proactive service is the book Real Service by Raven Kaldera and Joshua Tenpenny. I do highly recommend this book to anyone who is really into service and wanting to improve their service.

The authors say that reactive service focuses on immediate obedience. In other words, the s-type does exactly what they are told to do and not a single thing more and that they don’t do anything unless they are told to do something. An example of this the D-type tells the s-type to do laundry and that is all the s-type does. They do a load of laundry and do nothing about the pile of dirty dishes in the kitchen sink because they weren’t told to do anything about the pile of dirty dishes. This tends to be fairly common in new relationships as the s-type learns about how the D-type wants things done and things they like. Reactive service tends to turn into proactive service once the s-type is more familiar with how the D-type wants things done and knows what the expectations of of their D-type are and can carry on without much instruction from that point on.

The opposite side of the spectrum of reactive service is proactive service. Proactive service is knowing what needs to be done and doing it without having to be told when to do it. An example of this is the s-type doing the laundry and then doing the sink full of dirty dishes(oddly enough, that’s what my morning has been without even really thinking about it!). Instead of me waiting for Daddy to tell me to do the laundry and wash the dishes, I do both things because I know that’s what Daddy wants done. A line from Real Service about proactive service that I love is this one: “Ideally, they would not only have an internalized all standing orders, but would have developed a little ‘master puppet’ in their head who would tell them whether a given action would be approved of.”. For me, there’s a lot of truth in that statement and I’m willing to go out on a limb and say there’s a lot of other s-types who get that thought process when it comes to performing service.

With proactive service, most D-types don’t focus on the details, unlike those who prefer reactive service. In proactive service, the D-types usually don’t focus on the details, they tend to want something done and don’t care how it gets done as long as it gets done.

Anticipatory service. This one was a bit tricky because there are a lot of people out there who think that proactive service and anticipatory service are the same thing, and they are, but they aren’t. It caused a lot of confusion because the terms tend to get used interchangeably, and it doesn’t work like that. A member of the Fetlife, gave me a wonderful breakdown of the differences and the explanations made a world of difference! This is what he had to say about the subject:

In my definition, proactive service does not equal anticipatory service. Anticipatory service would be the sub postulating the next need, want, or desire of the Dom before the Dom knows they need, want or desire it. Initially know what the Dom likes is the sub’s responsibility with this service. Proactive service is designed around the idea that the Dom trains the sub what the Dom’s needs, wants, and desires are so they can fulfill them in the manner they like. Initially knowing what the Dom likes is the Dom’s responsibility with this service.

So in other words, the difference between anticipatory service and proactive service is that of the responsible party. The sub is responsible for anticipatory service, whereas the dominant it responsible for proactive service with making sure that the submissive knows what the dominant likes.

My personal thoughts on proactive and reactive service are this. There is no right or wrong way to serve. I do think some slaves are more prone to reactive service and there are some slaves who are more proactive. Personally, I’m more of the proactive type who does what needs to be done when it needs to be done. One of the things that makes my dynamic with Daddy work so well is He doesn’t care when or how or why(okay, maybe sometimes why)I do what I do as long as things get are done in a timely fashion. He’s okay with a few dirty dinner dishes sitting in the sink overnight, but He’s not okay with dirty dishes from day two being piled on top; most times He doesn’t care what I make for dinner as long as it’s ready by 7 PM; He doesn’t care how often I do laundry, as long as He has clean clothes daily, and I’m anal-retentive enough to make sure all these things and everything else I have to do are done

I also asked members of a Fetlife group their thoughts and feelings on reactive and proactive service, and there were a couple of comments that I wanted to share, as to give different viewpoints on this.

The first is from Sarah S.M. and this is what she had to say: It doesn’t matter how I feel about it. My owner prefers I don’t try to guess what he wants. In some areas there is conditioning, but otherwise he wants it done his way on the spot He is too picky for me to be able to predict without it causing more steps in the process.

The other quote comes from Carolyn: I call proactive service just service; and reactive service I call obedience. A significant difference is who takes the initiative. In proactive service, the sub is initiating things, the energy flow is sub ~~> Dom. In reactive service, the Dom is initiating things, the energy flow is Dom ~~> sub.

After reading both of these comments, it really got me thinking more outside of the box, if that makes sense. Whereas I was thinking in more black and white terms, these two women helped broaden my outlook on what service is, that service doesn’t just come from the s-types. One more thought I want to leave with you is a quote from Real Service, the book I mentioned earlier: If the Master doesn’t want it, it isn’t service.

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on November 04, 2014 07:00

The Day I Stopped Rejecting Compliments and Learned to Love Myself

About 5 years ago I was an emotional mess. I had really poor self-esteem and my body image was even worse. I’ve always been an obese woman – since I was a teen I’ve carried more than a few extra pounds. So the cruel and hateful words of my youth sure contributed to the way I felt about my body. The ridicule followed me through college and into relationships where I was sure that the guy I was with only wanted me because I was desperate. And I know I’m not alone. You probably have similar feelings of hate about your body or particular things you avoid looking at in the mirror (I didn’t own anything larger than a face mirror for years). I’m happy to say that I can look in the mirror now, and while I’m not thrilled with what I see, I can accept it. It is who I am.

How did I get here? How can someone who weighs 370 lbs, even at 6 ft tall, accept their body and learn to love the way their partner looks at them, touches them and takes pleasure in their nudity? I learned to accept compliments.

Sounds simple, right? It’s not. It’s painfully hard to break down the wall and reject that little voice in your head telling you that they don’t really mean it or they have an ulterior motive. There’s something in our mind-set that says we cannot possibly deserve positive feedback and therefore anyone who pays us a compliment must be either lying, misguided, or feeling sorry for us. This is that little extra-critical voice in our heads, externalized and projected onto others; as if it weren’t enough that we undermine ourselves, we force others to undermine us too.

Compliments don’t have to be verbal either. Some of the best praise I get is a look and a smile, a heated breath on my neck or the flame of desire in their eyes. It started with my ex husband and has continued with KnyghtMare.

Cautiously I stood in front of a mirror and touched those parts that caused me angst. I’d rub my belly, and trace the shape of my hips. At first I still turned away from what I was seeing and feeling.

One day, during my mirror experiment my now ex-husband approached me and asked me what I was doing. With that timid air I told him, afraid he’d laugh at me. Instead he stood behind me in the mirror and traced the curves so that I could see how he touched me and I started to understand and react. His touch was pure desire, not tentative touching and faces of disgust as I was doing.

He taught me to feel desire from these parts of me. He complimented by body without saying a word. And slowly I learned. And KnyghtMare has continued that work. Through all my believed imperfections what he sees is perfect.

Body image work is some of the hardest work I’ve ever done but it is so worth it. And it all started with compliments. I’m sure you’ve received them. Some people give them more often than others, but I rarely go a week without getting a couple. Years ago I would say things like, “yeah right, thanks” or “um, okay, sure.” They are very dismissive of the praise you’ve received and I know that inside you are thinking that they can’t possibly like whatever it is they complimented you on because you aren’t worth it, pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, _____ enough. And that has to stop. Right now. Just stop it.

Compliments are NOT cheap

Someone does not just hand out compliments. They are some of the most honest exchanges you can have – especially with people you don’t know or know very little of. These people have no reason to stroke your ego with falsehoods. They have no reason to lie to you. So when someone stops you at the store and tells you how beautiful your hair is, or that they like your shirt, it’s an honest truth.

Okay so the negativity can thrive in some of you and you’ll probably respond that when someone wants something they’ll try to butter you up with compliments and I’ll agree, sure there are those types out there. Learning when someone is being genuine and when they aren’t is part of accepting a compliment. Far more people give genuine compliments than not. Trust your gut with this.

How to Accept a Compliment about Your Body

Eventually you have to learn how to accept a compliment and I don’t expect you to believe them at first. That comes with time. But the first step is accepting them gracefully, with a smile and a sliver of honesty. A compliment is a gift after all and turning down a gift insults the person giving it and shows them that you don’t value them.

Unfortunately, dismissing compliments is a pretty common response for many of us. How did I stop sabotaging myself and the compliments I received? First, stop doing this:

Putting yourself down: one common reaction is to explain why you don’t deserve the praise the person is giving you and then list reasons why. Stop that.

Assuming the person doesn’t really mean it: You might be right, sometimes, but that doesn’t matter. Accepting it will disarm whatever ulterior motive they may have had. On the other hand if they really did mean it you’ve just insulted them and made you come off as a jerk. Stop it.

Making excuses: No it’s not “just the lighting,” “time of day,” “special occasion” or some other silly excuse. Don’t dismiss the effort someone put in to compliment you.

Making them work for it: Stop the stream of “no really” and “I doubt thats” and let them give you the compliment. Putting it off 3 or 4 times is annoying and selfish.

And start doing this instead:

Be appreciative: As I said, compliments are gifts. You wouldn’t reject a gift from a friends so don’t do it with compliments either.

Be gracious: Giving a compliment isn’t always easy. When someone does offer you one, accept it easily and gracefully. Pay one back, if merited. Let people know that you appreciate them for appreciating you.

The good news is that mastering the art of receiving compliments helps make you into a more well-balanced, self-assured person — which, in turn, will earn you more compliments. Let the warm fuzzies begin!

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on November 03, 2014 07:00

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks,

If your area follows the Daylight Savings Time rules, I hope you remembered to turn your clocks backward one hour!

I have 2 kitties. One is 12 and the other around 9. The 12 yr old had some oral surgery about 2 weeks ago and during the appointment some bloodwork and other tests. Turns out he has Kidney Disease. I’ve done my reading and know that with support he can have years left of his life but it’s not going to be an easy road. He’ll just get sicker and sicker as his kidney function gets smaller and smaller. I’m devastated to know that my baby is going to die this way but I am certain that I will do whatever necessary to make sure he’s healthy for as long as possible. Part of me is thankful that this isn’t a painful disease but to know that he’s not going to feel well part of the time and there’s nothing I can really do about it but support him is really hard.

Join the growing list of fans that get to hang out with me monthly on Google Hangout!
Next Goal: Just $6 until The Return of Monthly Video Posts! Help me get there!I work hard to write and produce the content and I don’t ask for much in return. This is a small way you can show me that you appreciate my efforts. If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a patron of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $3 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation. Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:

This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

Book Review: Submissive Training: 23 Things You Must Know About How To Be a Submissive
You’re Not the Boss of Me! Empowerment Through Submission by pinksubgeek
Coming Out of the Closet… Twice by mia

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask lunaKM Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

Ask lunaKM – How Do I Explore and Grow While I’m Single?
I am new to BDSM and Kink and was just wondering if it were possible to try and learn and explore and grow without a Dom by my side at least for the moment? How is a submissive able to train and prepare for her future Dom? I am not out in my local community and really only have a presence online but even that is limited as I come from a very conservative family and live in a small conservative town. Any advise would be very helpful. Thank You.

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2013: 30 Days of Submission Challenge: Day 1 – Labeling My Submission
In 2012: none
In 2011: What is a Contract?
In 2010: Sexting and Mobile Kink Keep the Home Fires Burning
In 2009: Best BDSM Fiction for Hot Steamy Nights

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Next Submissive Guide Chat Night

Come make friends and chit-chat. Twice monthly discussions, all are welcome. Chat room is open 24/7 for conversation.

Date: November 11th, 2014

Time: 8PM Central (Not in CST? Find out the time where you are!)
Topic: Finding a Compatible BDSM Partner

Join Chat Room Now!

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

“Obedience and compliance do not add up to training…[but, instead, are] exposure to and experience with, opportunities to obey–definitely not the same thing.” -Guy Baldwin
Do you and your owner participate in birthday spankings? Is there a ritual involved?
“At its root, perfectionism isn’t really about a deep love of being meticulous. It’s about fear. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of disappointing others. Fear of failure. Fear of success.” – Michael Law
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!
Featured Podcast of the Week – Poly Weekly

PW 407: Poly ethics with Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert

30 Oct 2014, 9:29pm GMT

→ Polyamory Weekly

A chat on ethics, the book tour and more with the co-authors of More Than Two, Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert! Email polyweekly@gmail.com, call 802-505-POLY, Twitter @polyweekly or visit www.polyweekly.com or www.facebook.com/polyweekly

MP3 audio (46MB, 45min)

Podcast RSS

iTunes subscribe

Related Posts:
Ask lunaKM – Forced to Lose Weight, Snarky Submissives and Looking for Community
Expressing Your Submission (with hair!)
Find a Munch at FindaMunch.com!
After the Scene is Over – Clean-up, Aftercare, and Check-Ins
#domsubchat – Transcript of Twitter Chat – Dating and Finding a Partner in BSM

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on November 02, 2014 10:00

Coming Out of the Closet… Twice

This is a guest post by Mia.

I was a closet lesbian until 2003 and a closet kinkster until 2010, I lost friends each time I came out. When I told people about my sexuality in 2003 I was called a dyke, a pervert and a liar by some of the people I thought of as close friends. I’d spent time with them, I had grown up with them, I trusted them and finally I was abandoned and bullied by them at a time I needed them the most.

It was 7 years before I would ever trust anyone again.

It took a very long time to build up a new circle of friends; people who accepted my sexuality, but I still didn’t trust them enough to divulge my growing interest in BDSM. I don’t suppose it was really any of their business but it was hard to talk to my friends about sex because I couldn’t be honest.

My friends spoke about their exciting vanilla adventures and I listened whilst also thinking of ways I could cut out the kink from my sex stories (harder than it sounds).

In 2010, I met the girl of my kinky dreams and everything changed. She gave me the confidence to be open about sex even if it meant people wouldn’t understand, she taught me that sex isn’t something to be ashamed of and that it’s ok for two consenting adults to pleasure each other however they want to that our sex isn’t hurting anybody else.

So I made myself a promise, I told myself that if my friends asked me about my sex life I would be totally honest. Most of my friends are lesbians and have no trouble opening up about sex but my sex life seemed too much for them to handle. Slowly but surely my friends once again filtered out of my life, it was less aggressive than before but it happened.

It’s 2014 and since ‘coming out’ as being in a D/s relationship I have very few friends.

I’m not writing this to put people off of coming out as gay or opening up about BDSM, I’m writing this because I’ve learned that it doesn’t really matter. Throughout life people will trickle in and trickle out like a rising tide, and if you are lucky you might get one or two that stick around for the ride. It doesn’t matter, it’s life, the things that once bound us to our friends changes like the wind and sometimes we get lost in the breeze but it’s ok. We tend to stick closely to those who remind us a little of ourselves, people we have things in common with and sometimes we can change so rapidly that our friends are left behind and they take a different path.

My point is this – don’t be scared to be yourself. Friends will come and go as we ponder through life, things change, people change, but we are never alone. As one person drops out there is another person in the back drop waiting to talk to you if you reach out.

My name is Mia Foster, I live in the UK with my girlfriend and our family of cats and dogs. I began blogging about Lesbians who are into BDSM (lezbekinky.co.uk) in June 2014, I was never really sure about why I started but it’s something I’ve become very passionate about. I’ve been an ‘out’ lesbian since 2002 and in a D’s relationship since 2010. You can find me at lezbekinky.co.uk

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on October 31, 2014 07:00