Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 71

Book Review: Submissive Training: 23 Things You Must Know About How To Be a Submissive

I had this book recommended to me by a reader on Twitter and I couldn’t pass up an opportunity to review a book by request. 23 Things You Must Know About How To Be a Submissive by Elizabeth Cramer is available as a paperback or an ebook. I purchased mine through Amazon Kindle. I have to admit that the title alone made me interested in what might be within. These 23 things, did I already know them, seeing as I have 10 years experience? Would I pick up something new?

The answer is a long one, so take a seat. Elizabeth Cramer has written this as a guidebook, almost like a manual of how a life as a submissive will develop and grow. She breaks it into two sections:

What you will learn.
How you will learn it.

I do have to give her introduction merit. She says that everyone has different protocol and that training is a time period where the couple finds their compatibility and groove. That’s very much correct to how everyone’s relationship is based. But that’s about as far as I feel she went with this line of thought. The book is written specifically for live in D/s, preferably 24/7 goal oriented, with medium to high protocol in mind for a submissive’s training period and from a guide it turns to more like a manual. But no manual I’ve ever seen – or want to have to follow.

From the introduction on out the book went downhill for me. Each chapter is written in a very direct way that is off-putting for me. I try to educate in the manner that all things are subject to the couple in the relationship, that things can and do change and develop through negotiation and common desires and needs. The author writes her book as if her way is the only way that training will happen. She uses words like “should, must, expect, essential” as if all submissives have the same expectations in training. That even a couple in medium-high protocol follows training in just this manner. You have every right as a person to ask to talk about something before it is done and if they won’t then RUN AWAY!

Don’t get me wrong, there are some very good quotes from the book, if you pull them out of context and use them as they are. Using them within the text only leads me to shake my head in dismay at what this book is trying to do. It will confuse even more novices if they read it. They will take ideas and thoughts from it much like the fiction books that more seasoned practitioners warn are not the basis of a D/s life. In fact this guide reads very much like fiction.

As a responsible author and teacher myself, I just can’t get behind a book that makes assumptions on the way training must be for everyone and presents it as a guidebook for submissives on how to be submissive. If I were a novice submissive in a relationship and started reading this book I would begin to think that my relationship was doing it wrong, or that the expectations I had of the dynamic were lacking because this book presents training as some rigid, one way, only way, right way thinking. As an experienced person, I know this is not true, but how can I safeguard the new submissives that come my way if there are books out there like this?

To take an example quote from the book, “Underwear is almost always a “by permission only” article of clothing for a sub”(Section I: 5). Trust me, no where is there a manual saying the a submissive will not wear underwear but this “guide” makes it sound like you had better surrender your underwear when you become submissive. Sure a lot of Dominants prefer that their submissives not wear underwear but there are far more that like lingerie, or prefer the hygienic use of underwear and encourage dressing with undergarments. Still more leave it to the submissive to dress as they desire as long as they are pleasing. Others don’t care to control that part of their submissive’s life.

And that’s the crux of this book. No where does the book emphasize negotiating the training period or what will happen during it. It makes assumptions that the submissive will just do whatever the Dominant requires or requests, and that’s a lot in this book, without having a mind of their own. Oh and that’s because the author believes that in training you no longer have an identity;

“In training you will learn your identity is not made of your individual achievements (although they are important) but your relational context with your Dom. You are his. That is the core of your identity. That is who you are in how you will define all the other roles and lenses you look through” (Section I:1).

In all fairness a lot of submissives begin to identify themselves as belonging to their Dom and that everything they do is no longer their own. But not all, and certainly only learned if that is how the Dominant wishes them to be. KnyghtMare likes that I have a unique identity separate from his and that I have achievements that aren’t necessarily related to him.

In conclusion, this book reads like fiction and a one true way sort of manual. If that’s your thing, then pick it up. If it’s not, leave it. Or, if, by some chance, you are curious about the full contents, make sure you read it carefully and without assuming anything about your current or future relationship. Let your gut feeling be your guide on these things. Don’t let anyone tell you how your submissive life should, must, or expect to be played out. Only you can do that.

Product Details

lunaKM’s Rating: 3 out of 10
Series: Women’s Guide to BDSM
Paperback: 76 pages
Publisher: CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform (November 15, 2013)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 1493760165
Curious? You can buy it from Amazon.com in Paperback or in Kindle format

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on October 27, 2014 07:00

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks,

Getting older is hard for me. I think the closer I get to 40 the more I realize that my failure in my health goals that I keep resetting are going to impact my life expectancy and aging is going to be harder. For anyone who has tried to lose weight you understand that it’s not just about calories in/calories out. It also has to be motivation, drive, desire and incentive. I know that I can lose weight. I’ve done it before. But the hard work is scary to me and so I tend to quit shortly after trying. I keep saying it but this year will be my year. I’m going to rededicate myself to living healthier and to losing weight.

Join the growing list of fans that get to hang out with me monthly on Google Hangout!
Next Goal: The Return of Monthly Video Posts! Help me get there!

I work hard to write and produce the content and I don’t ask for much in return. This is a small way you can show me that you appreciate my efforts. If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a patron of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $3 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation. Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:

This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

A Symbol for Dominants?
Micromanagement and Macromanagement: What’s the Difference? by tequilarose
Submissive Chat Night – Free Chat
Being Fully Present: Slowing Down to Live in the Moment by moonlight

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask lunaKM Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

Ask lunaKM – I Want My Boyfriend to be More Dominant In Bed
Hello.. Umm I don’t know how to start this.. You see I’m trying to get my boyfriend to be more dominant in the bedroom. I understand the whole communication part and we communicate great.. About other things.. When I comes to sex and telling him what I like I afraid I might scare him. But, what that being said he’s the only guy I’ve been with for almost fours years now and it’s not that the sex isn’t great it’s just sometimes I’m just tired of vanilla sex and want something else.. Any advice?

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2013: Do You Know Your Dominant’s Final Wishes?
In 2012: Online Courtesy Needs a Reboot
In 2011: The Real Truth Behind the Fear of Topping from the Bottom
In 2010: Book Review: The Art of Slavery
In 2009: The Disposable Relationship Mentality

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Next Submissive Guide Chat Night

Come make friends and chit-chat. Twice monthly discussions, all are welcome. Chat room is open 24/7 for conversation.

Date: October 28th, 2014

Time: 8PM Central (Not in CST? Find out the time where you are!)
Topic: Free Chat

Join Chat Room Now!

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

If you found out that someone had lied to you about something significant from the beginning, would you want to rebuild the relationship or walk away? What is your personal ‘line of tolerance on honesty’?
Describe your experience with subspace.
“True happiness comes from the joy of deeds well done, the zest of creating things new.” -Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!
Featured Podcast of the Week – KinkyCast
Episode 39 – Toy Making with Dark Innovations

24 Oct 2014, 1:34pm GMT

→ KinkyCast

If you enjoy playing with paddles this is the episode for you! And of course if you enjoy spanking, you need a spanking bench! Woody and The Beast talk with master toy maker, Dark Innovations about his beautiful creations from design to the finished product with lots of useful information throughout.

MP3 audio (18MB, 50min)

Podcast RSS

iTunes subscribe

PS: If you have interesting bookmarks you’d like to share, email them to me at subguide@gmail.com with the subject: Interesting link and I’ll take a look! That’s it for this edition.–lunaKM

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on October 26, 2014 10:00

Being Fully Present: Slowing Down to Live in the Moment

Sunday morning, we were sitting at the dining room table finishing breakfast. Sir sat there, sipped His tea slowly and thoughtfully. He was deep in the stillness of the moment. I was a different story. My mind began to race with all the lists of to-do’s and should-do’s that awaited us for the day ahead. I felt the need to get up, clean up, and move things along. But it was obvious that He wanted to sit and slowly start his day.

I struggled. I wrestled with myself about what I should do. Do I get up and clean the dishes? Do I sit here and wait (impatiently) for my Dominant to get up and get moving (while probably looking impatient)? Do I keep going through my to-do list in my head wondering how to prioritize them to make sense of the day? Do I enjoy the quiet moment, watching Sir start His day peacefully? You know it wasn’t the last option that immediately came to mind. I find these moments in the lifestyle some of the hardest – but also some of the most needed.

You see, before I found the lifestyle and before I met Sir, I would work 2 or 3 jobs while also attending school full-time. I am not the kind of person who likes to “sit around” with “nothing” to do. I can be pretty stressed taking on too much work for the number of hours in the day. I know I do this and it catches up with me. I can snap, get tired, or feel completely overwhelmed before anything gets accomplished.

Personal growth and development is part of what attracts me to the lifestyle. Sir and I have come together knowing we would bring something to one another’s lives. I know that whether it is obvious to an observer or not, I am being challenged to learn and grow. Right now, I am being asked to slow down and be present in the moment. What a beautiful lesson in submission. To be fully present in the moment, not thinking about what is next. What a gift I can give to my Dominant – my full and undivided attention in every moment and to be more in tune with His needs.

Being present is something I am always working on. There are moments when it is easy – such as when I go over and sit at Sir’s feet. I do that very consciously and in my mind, I am ready to be present, peaceful, and slow down. It is the challenge of taking the quality of that presence into other moments is where I am trying to grow in my submission. It means being their mind, body, and spirit in quiet observation, and staying connected to my Dominant in the stillness.

Whether Sir knew it in the moment or not, He was teaching me (as He always does) and that is the beauty of our lifestyle. Learning from every moment, including the simple quiet ones, around the dining room table, when all the plates are empty…

What helps you learn to be fully present for your Dominant?

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on October 24, 2014 07:00

Submissive Chat Night – Free Chat

It’s time again for another chat night here at Submissive Guide. I’d welcome everyone to come on in Tuesday night for a bit of conversation. The topic is going to be free chat. Anything and everything can be discussed. Please come with questions or a curiosity about Dominant/submissive relationships.

Info

When: 10/28/14 8 PM CST – 9:30 PM CST (Not in CST? Find out the time where you are!)

Where: Chat room on the website, or use an IRC Client

Topic: Free chat

HOW TO GET TO THE CHAT ROOM

The chat room is attached to this site under the link at the top, or you can click this link here. It will ask for your nickname and then automatically connect you to the chat room. It is open all the time, so if you want to meet some people, hang out in there. I try to be there when I’m at my computer too.

If you use an IRC desktop client you can connect to the server directly. Here is the information you need to find the room:

Server: irc.kink-network.com

Port: 6667

Channel: #submissive-guide

Questions? Let me know. Otherwise I hope to see a lot of you there on Tuesday!

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on October 23, 2014 07:00

Ask lunaKM – I Want My Boyfriend to be More Dominant in Bed

Hello.. Umm I don’t know how to start this.. You see I’m trying to get my boyfriend to be more dominant in the bedroom. I understand the whole communication part and we communicate great.. About other things.. When I comes to sex and telling him what I like I afraid I might scare him. But, what that being said he’s the only guy I’ve been with for almost fours years now and it’s not that the sex isn’t great it’s just sometimes I’m just tired of vanilla sex and want something else.. Any advice?

Hi there,

My advice is quite simple to give, but harder to do. You need to talk to him about it. He can’t read your mind. He won’t know that you crave other things unless you tell him. I realize you are scared you might make him uncomfortable but you’ve been with him for 4 years, I think he’s committed to you and I don’t think he’s bolt out the gate. He’ll listen and digest it before making any sort of decision. Give him the benefit of the doubt. You said the two of you have good communication about other things so use those same skills to talk about sex and your desires.

Here are some ways to suggest adding kink to your sex life:

Have a share your fantasies night and talk about things that are fantasy for you. This will spur you and your partner on for possible exploration.
Suggest having a this for that game. Reveal something that you’ve always wanted to try but didn’t feel comfortable until now to share. Tell them that if they would give it a try that you’d do something they’ve secretly wanted to try.
Read kinky erotica together and comment on the parts that are making you excited.
Leave a BDSM related book on the table open to a page that has something you’d like to try on it and see if he notices it (or even reads it and volunteers!)
You might also like the following article from Submissive Guide on working with the man you have.

So readers, what else would you suggest to help this person open up to their partner about their sexual desires?

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on October 22, 2014 07:00

Micromanagement and Macromanagement: What’s the Difference?

Awhile ago, I was talking to a friend of mine and asked her if she had any good topic ideas because it’s good to have outside influences and she suggested micromanaging vs proactivity. I got super excited because, it’s an awesome topic. I figured it would be a rather easy topic to write about, but before I started writing, I posted a question in a group on Fetlife asking both masters and slaves(as this is a Masters and slaves group)whether they preferred to be micromanaged or proactive and asked the masters what they prefer from their slaves. Let me just say, but the various answers I received, I realized this wasn’t going to be as easy of a topic as I had thought.

Ever since I have started out in the lifestyle, I always heard of micromanaging and being proactive. With that, I always considered proactiveness being the opposite of micromanaging and in a way it is, but I found a better match, for both words. Micromanaging vs macromanaging and reactive service vs proactive service. With the reading I have done, I have also learned that micro/macromanaging is more of how the master leads while re/proactive service is more what the slave does. I found a lot and read a lot and realized that I couldn’t fit everything into just one article without having an article that would be about the size of War and Peace. So, I’m breaking this down into something more manageable. Today will be the differences between micromanaging and macromanaging and later will come the article about reactive vs proactive service.

Before I go any further, I want to define what micromanagement and macromanagement is.

Micromanagement: Management or control with excessive attention to minor details; where a manager closely observes or controls the work of subordinates.

Macromanagement: anything very large scale, scope or capability, large controlling strategy.

Okay, I know that definition makes no sense, so let me hopefully make it a little clearer-macromanaging means the support staff are competent in their job duties and require little to no supervision to complete their assigned tasks.

Yes these are business terms. With only having an idea as to the definitions of these words, I had to turn somewhere to find something a little more concrete. Even though these terms do appear quite a bit in the business world, they do still apply to the BDSM lifestyle. All you need to do is substitute dominant for “manager or management” and sub/slave for “subordinate and support staff” and the definition then fits a lot better. I realized that micromanaging and macromanaging are more leading styles versus being types of service, like proactive, which is why macromagement is a better fit as the opposite of micromanaging. Like everything else in life, both have their pros and cons and not only that, but depending on how your dynamic is, one is not better than the other.

Usually when someone in the lifestyle hears about a slave or submissive being micromanaged, the s-type being discussed is usually talked about in a not so nice and rather judgemental manner. People will say the s-type is unable to function on their own and can’t be a very good s-type if their dominant is always having to tell them what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. I’m not going to lie, I was one of those people, but with reading, and probably because I’m maybe just a tad bit more mature now, I don’t see it like that. If a slave is micromanaged, it’s because that’s what the owner wants, and again, being submissive is all about doing what your owner wants. I was reading a forum post on Literotica about this topic and one of the posters said something that really blew me away:

“ To me, it is about the ultimate level of control and also power over which is what most doms in a D/s says gets them off and what most submissives want to experience in varying degrees. …but I am missing why those who get off on it are being interpreted or thought of as obviously incompetent or lacking in some way on both the D/s side of it. …he often gets off on directing me in minute detail how and when to do a particular task, not because he doubts I am capable of doing it correctly without direction, but simply because he likes to remind me he has that control over me.”

When I read that, that quite blew me out of the water and I realized that I hadn’t been as open-minded as I thought I am.

Like everything in life, there are pros and cons to both types of management styles and I want to share some of those with you now.

Micromanagement

PROS

The master is always completely in control
Always aware of what is going on with their s-type
The s-type will always be dependent upon the D-type

CONS

S-type doesn’t have the ability to grow as a person
Once the micromanaging has started, it’s hard to break the s-type of this kind of management
The s-type has no successes of their own from a completed task

Macromanagment

PROS

The D-type is able to maintain an appropriate level of control
Teaches the s-type to prioritize and handle having responsibilities
Helps to reduce the s-type’s risk of burnout

CONS

The D-type not having enough control over s-type
The s-type feeling confused due to too much freedom
The s-type feeling inadequate due to not enough structure.

Like me, I’m sure you’ve realized the vast difference between micromanaging and macromanaging and how neither type of management style is wrong and how there usually tends to be a mixture of both with most D-types out there and many s-types who prefer a mixture of the two types versus one or the other. Part two will be coming soon!

I want to give a special thanks to Yggdron who was willing to help a stranger who didn’t realize how much she bit off, to Rev Calleghn who dealt with my endless questions and to those members of the Lifestlye Mentoring Group on Yahoo, once again all of you are a vast and great collective of information!

Links Used:

Micromanagement: Is it Really Good for the Submissive or Slave?

Micromanagement Versus Anticipatory Service

Literotica Forum on Micromanagement

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on October 21, 2014 07:00

A Symbol for Dominants?

The collar you wear is a reminder of your submission and your relationship with your Dominant. It can mean the same as a wedding ring or that you are submissive to them for a certain period of time. More often than not, the Dominant is the one who gave you that collar. But is there something that you can give them that would work similarly? I don’t believe so.

When I think about why I value my collar, the importance I give it is one of treasure and connection. It’s a physical reminder that I am submissive to someone who I care for and trust completely. I can touch it in times of stress and know that it means he’s not going anywhere and that I can relax in his gaze. It really does mean a lot for me to be able to wear it.

But not everyone applies the same reverence to the collar they wear.

The collar is a symbol, it belongs to the Dominant but the submissive gets to wear it as a symbol of their ownership. That collar also works as a symbol of Dominance for the one who gave it, right? So in effect, the collar works as a relationship symbol and not one side or the other. Ask any Dominant what the collar means and it will mean ownership – to them.

If we dumb it down to an example of a dog and their owner, the dog may have a collar as a symbol of ownership, but the owner doesn’t need anything to remind them they own the dog. The collar does that. While we are not dogs and I’m not insinuating that a collar in a D/s sense has only the importance equal to a dog collar, it works in a similar fashion. The collar you wear is a symbol to the Dominant that they dominate you.

A Dominant doesn’t need a symbol to remind them that they are Dominant because you wear it. They see it on you and that’s all the physical reminder they could need.

But I really want to give him something tangible to have!

That’s understandable. You can find gifts that will mean something special to them if you’d like, but don’t expect that anything you give will have the same meaning as the collar you have.

Ideas for gifts to you Dominant at the time of collaring:

A special new tool/toy
A key on a chain
A piece of jewelry
An ornate depiction of your contract, if you signed one

What other ideas do you have? Let me know in the comments what your thoughts are on giving your Dominant something to symbolize the relationship.

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on October 20, 2014 07:00

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks,

I decided that I was not going to do Nanowrimo this year. The added pressure to write when I’m already dealing with some extensive writer’s block would be too much for me. I honestly wanted to do it, but I have to think about the reason I love writing for you guys and pushing myself for Nano was just not going to produce quality writing this year. Maybe next year.

We’ve reached the peak leaf color change time here in Iowa and I love seeing the many colors in the trees! I’ve mentioned before but I’ll say it again, Fall is my favorite season.

Join the growing list of fans that get to hang out with me monthly on Google Hangout!
I work hard to write and produce the content and I don’t ask for much in return. This is a small way you can show me that you appreciate my efforts. If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a patron of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $3 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation. Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:

This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

Finding Your Way to a Genuine Self
How S&M Saved My Life by andyiccee
Putting First Things First: Staying Connected When Apart by moonlight
BDSM Basics: Am I Dominant or submissive?

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask lunaKM Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

Ask lunaKM – He Wants to “Just Be Friends” While Ex is Visiting
There was a strong emotional bond growing. Until last week, when he said he wanted to back off and just be friends. An ex is supposedly moving in with him temporarily and he doesn’t want to have an outside personal life and phone calls at the same time. That maybe in a few months we could pick things back up again. But I have seen he is online on the dating site that we met. I am baffled and my feelings are hurt.

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2013: Have you Read a Good BDSM-Related Book Recently? Send Me a Review!
In 2012: What are Brats and Smart-Assed Masochists?
In 2011: 3 Ways to Recover From a Fight and Return to Role Post-Argument
In 2010: A Safer Kinky Sex How-To
In 2009: When Protocol Becomes Boring

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Next Submissive Guide Chat Night

Come make friends and chit-chat. Twice monthly discussions, all are welcome. Chat room is open 24/7 for conversation.

Date: October 28th, 2014

Time: 8PM Central (Not in CST? Find out the time where you are!)
Topic: Free Chat

Join Chat Room Now!

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

What book, movie, or website most influenced your first impressions of what slavery was about? How has that changed as you started living as a slave?
What is the one quality you think most Dominants possess?
“The expression of devotion through obedience and service is the cornerstone of submission, but it is only in the complete surrender of one’s self to one’s Master that one’s acts, obedience and service come from someplace other than one’s personal desires.” — Submissive Thoughts
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!
Featured Podcast of the Week – Polyamory Weekly

PW 405: Testing the poly waters with a monogamist

16 Oct 2014, 3:35pm GMT

→ Polyamory Weekly

Testing the poly waters with a long-time friend who is also monogamous. Email polyweekly@gmail.com, call 802-505-POLY, Twitter @polyweekly or visit www.polyweekly.com or www.facebook.com/polyweekly

MP3 audio (31MB, 22min)

Podcast RSS

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PS: If you have interesting bookmarks you’d like to share, email them to me at subguide@gmail.com with the subject: Interesting link and I’ll take a look! That’s it for this edition.–lunaKM

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on October 19, 2014 10:00

BDSM Basics: Am I Dominant or submissive?

Whether you’ve read 50 Shades of Grey or another drugstore dirty romance novel and then decided to go exploring in BDSM or you’ve found BDSM another way one of the first questions everyone has is are they Dominant or submissive? It sure feels like a good place to start and I am going to help you start figuring out where you think you fall on the spectrum of choices. Keep in mind that no one fits perfectly in any one label while I cover the basic roles.

Each person that has interest in BDSM has their own opinion about what makes a Dominant or submissive and truth be told, they are all right. Arguing what is Dominant and what is submissive is an online forum’s favorite pastime. So, even if you don’t agree, or the comments on this post have a lot of varied opinions, keep in mind that each and every one of them is correct for the people expressing them. That’s really what makes deciding on a role long before you know much about BDSM so difficult. With that in mind, allow yourself to fluidly explore as many roles and identities as you think you would like before you cement yourself in one.

First, since this is a submissive website, the s-type roles are vast. A few of the more common ones are bottom, submissive, slave, little, pet and property.

bottom- During playtime, the person who gives up control, or who receives physical sensation from a Top.

submissive - Person who desires to give up control of themselves, or of certain aspects of their lives, to a Dominant partner. There are as many “styles” of submissiveness as there are submissives.

slave - A person who consensually gives total control to their Master/Owner; often giving up much or all of their rights to limits, safewords, or negotiation.

little- A person who identifies as or role plays as a young child.

pet- A bottom who enjoys animal play or a submissive or slave who is considered living property such as domestic animals are. The pet will not necessarily have an animal persona.

property- One who is owned by another.

The D-type roles are just as varied. Some of the more common ones are Top, Dominant, Master, Daddy and Owner.

Top- The person in control during a scene or in play, but may or may not be a Dominant.

Dominant- Person who exercises control in a D/s relationship. Can be used for either male or female Doms.

Master- An owner of a slave or a person eminently skilled in something (eg. A Master of rope-work).

Daddy- Someone who takes on a father role in a relationship; often, but not always, a Dominant.

Owner- One who has possession of another, usually a slave, pet or property.

Now with the simple definitions out of the way, how do you decide which ones fit you best? Well, go with your gut for starters. What sounds appealing to you. What excites you? Maybe your sexual fantasies might help you decide also. Use what you know about yourself and your personality to pick at least one, for now.

There is no wrong answer to this! You will not be forced to stay any particular role for the rest of eternity if you find something else you prefer more. And if you don’t like any of these options that’s okay too. There are more roles than these and I’m just covering the more common ones for you.

Submissive Guide Recommends These Beginner BDSM Books:

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Answered: Your Burning Questions About What Is Expected Of You As a Submissive

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Published on October 17, 2014 07:00

Putting First Things First: Staying Connected When Apart

This year, I was sent away for work for almost 3 months. That is a long time to be away from my Master! As the dates approached, I worried about the silly things – would He be able to come and visit? Would my roommate be nice? And ugh – a roommate! I knew it would be a big change from life at home.

The beginning was painful. Sleeping alone, knowing no one else there, working long hours, and not having my usual kinky comfort items with me (like the leather cuffs and collar). I tried anything I could to keep going but at the end of the day, I would call Sir and I was never in a good mood. I started developing a mantra: “I am doing this for my family. I am still in service to my family”. Then I would take the next deep breath and take on the next hurdle of the day until it all began to bubble up once again.

As time passed and the work hours continued to be more than any sane person would ask for, I was finding it harder and harder to connect with Him on the phone. I couldn’t wait for the one day a week I would get to see him – but I didn’t want to wait for us to really connect only once a week. I wanted to continue to feel and live my submission. No wonder I was cranky!

I went back to basics. You see, when we first started exploring together, Sir programmed a daily task into the calendar on my phone. It was only two words: check-in. He programmed it at noon and one day, it popped up as I was eating lunch at home and I smiled and happily wrote a little profession of my submission to my Master. Between getting a new phone and all the changes that have happened in our lives since, this little task fell off my radar.

One early morning, as I sat at my desk about to begin another workday, I looked down at my phone and instead of simply saying “Good Morning”, I wrote a little check-in, letting Him know that I was in service to Him today (and everyday). This was the turning point. As each new day would begin, I would keep my routine. Around the same time the sun would start to wake up, I would sit at my desk and tell Master that I was His, everyday a little differently but with the same intent.

He did tell me that He was loving the creativity and effort I was putting into these check-ins and how much they made Him smile. I guess I wasn’t the only one who may have needed the connection and the reminder. To know that I made Him smile – that made my day! It was in going back to the very first thing that Sir had ever asked me to do that made the rest of the time away seem to move faster, be a little gentler, and made me more excited than ever to be home – in more obvious service.

Have you every been away from your Dominant? How do you stay connected to each other when you aren’t sharing the same space?

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on October 16, 2014 07:00