Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 73

Ask lunaKM – Ideas for Discreet Punishment

Hi! My boyfriend and I both want a BDSM relationship, but we both still have roommates. He’s hesitant to continue discussion on rules he would like for me to follow due to the fact that punishment for these rules would be hard due to lack of privacy. Any suggestions about discreet punishments?

Having a BDSM relationship with other people around is hard to do, that I can understand. Sometimes, novices just need a bit of broadening of ideas when you only hear of noisier punishment techniques. Things like spanking, flogging, caning and so on are definitely off the books if someone is around that isn’t part of the dynamic. Punishment isn’t something you should have to plan, but when you are tiptoeing around others, preparation and creative ideas are necessary.

Good news is that there is plenty you can do when it comes to discreet and quiet punishment for breaking rules. Just to be clear, I picked up from your short message that these corrections will be for misbehavior and not as a way to initiate play. So that’s the direction this post goes. If you want discreet play ideas, head on over to the Chat Night Transcript from an online munch I held here on the site about BDSM with kids at home.

Now on to discreet disciplinary methods. Think back to how you may have been punished as a child. The most common action at my house was grounding. I got privileges taken away. I wasn’t allowed to hang out with friends. I had to go to bed without dinner once or twice. These will still work for punishment now. Remember, the point is to have things that you would hate to receive as punishment but help you learn from your mistakes.

Grounding is things like:

No TV use.
No music.
No going out to movies/concerts/dates/theater.
No Internet use.
No phone/texting use.
No sweets.
No pop.
No friends.
No playtime.
No sex/orgasms.
Other ideas include writing lines, writing essays, standing in the corner (time outs), mouth washing out with soap, and lectures. If physical punishment is what you need, silent tools like clamps work well. Again, you can refer to the ideas from the chat night to help you selecting quieter methods. Pick something that you wouldn’t do for play so that the meaning doesn’t get mixed and it should work well.

The point behind all of these is that they can be explained away if a roommate were to become curious. Tell them you are testing what it’s like without “whatever you can’t have” or that you aren’t in the mood for distraction, sweets, pop, whatever. Other things can be done in the privacy of your own bedroom so there is no invasion of your dynamic there. If you need to, come up with you own explanations for why you aren’t participating.

Hopefully this will help.

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on September 24, 2014 07:00

No Stupid (Sex Toy) Questions: Episode 1 – Should my vagina be burning?!

Over at my personal blog, InsatiableDesire.com, I write a series called “No Stupid (Kink) Questions (NSKQ)“. I started it a few years ago because every time I stuck my head in a kink forum, I found serious questions asked by newbies and never really answered by more advanced kinksters. I mean, if you are proficient in snark and sarcasm, you can probably read between the lines, but why should you have to? Why should you have to comb through all the people who are more interested in telling you how stupid you are to find the answer to your question? The answer is you shouldn’t. And so NSKQ began.

This series is kinda like that, only in this case, the motivation is more about the embarrassment surrounding discussing sex toys.

Question 1:

I found this awesome looking $10 vibrator at the local sex toy shop, so I bought it. I mean, who can pass up a $10 vibrator, right? I got it home, washed it up, and started using it, and it set my vulva and vagina on fire. And not in the good way. What’s up with that? Is my vagina defective?

Nope.

Here’s the skinny on sex toys:

There’s no regulation on what materials can be used to make a sex toy.

That’s no joke.

In fact, there are very few laws regulating sex toys, and most of them are related to the sale and ownership of them. In Texas, you could be made to register as a sex offender if convicted of selling “obscene devices”.

This means some manufacturers put whatever the hell they want into the toys they produce with no regard to the health and well-being of their customers. And they lie about it. Constantly, and consistently. One company insists they’re telling the truth about their materials despite test results from a lab that suggest otherwise.

The problem with this is some of these materials are toxic. They can cause severe allergic reactions, chemical burns, and even cancer.

The motivation, I”ms sure, is rarely evil. I mean, think about it. Why would anyone intentionally kill off their customer base? It’s just that manufacturers know not everyone can afford to spend $100+ on a vibrator, so they use cheaper materials to keep the customer’s (and, more specifically, their own) cost down. And let’s face it. Even people who know that some of the materials used can be toxic still choose to purchase those toys because they’re cheap.

My suggestion to you (not that you asked for one, but I’m itching to give some advice) is to toss that toy and get something that is body safe, meaning it will not leach poisons into your body through contact, or cause a reaction of any sort. Some materials that fall into this category are hard plastic, silicone, wood, stainless steel, glass, ceramic, aluminum.

A sex toy that is body safe usually doesn’t have an odor to it. If you wet your mouth and touch it to your lips, it won’t burn you. When you use it vaginally or anally, it won’t cause irritation.

If you can’t afford a better sex toy, at the very least, put a condom on it when you use it. But this might not even help you avoid a reaction. There are some reports of chemical reactions even with condoms. The best thing to do is put aside money until you can afford something safer. I know that sounds silly, but we’re talking cancer, here, y’all. Cancer. Fuck cancer. Buy safe sex toys.

Some articles on toxic sex toys that you should read:

Toxic Toys: Beyond Phthalates by Metis Black (founder of Tantus, Inc, which also happens to be my favorite and most trusted sex toy brand)
Toxic Sex Toys – What to Know Before You Buy by Ruby Ryder
The Trouble With Toxic Sex Toys by Sex and Sexuality
Dildology: The Science of Sex Toys by Dangerous Lilly
Sex Toy Journalism: Bringing Toxic Sex Toy Facts Out of the Attic also by Dangerous Lilly…If you’re really interested in the subject, just start clicking related articles at the bottom of either of these posts. The facts are frightening.
SEX TOY SAFETY: WHAT’S IN YOUR TOY BOX? by Ducky Doolittle

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Ask lunaKM – Relationship isn’t going anywhere?

My boyfriend and I have only recently taken the baby steps from a vanilla relationship to a D/s one. I feel like I’ve followed all the suggested steps about how to transition a relationship, I follow submissiveguide religiously, I’ve read lots of books and done plenty of research. We’ve talked and set down guidelines. Although we aren’t a 24/7 D/s relationship, I feel like it’s not going anywhere? He isn’t doing his part to be informed or active as a Dom no matter how many times I suggest things.

Welcome to the world of D/s! As you noted, you’ve been taking baby steps. You’ve talked and discussed the beginning pieces that you want to add to your relationship to make it D/s. Now, it’s quite normal to want to devour information and read as much as you can with something new.

However, that doesn’t always work that way with everyone, and your boyfriend appears to be that way. Or maybe he feels he’s happy with how things are progressing. What has he said when you raised your concerns for his progress? have you talked with him about it?

What I think happened, and if I’m wrong I apologize, is that perhaps you suggested this change and he is going along with it because it sounds interesting, but since you have the initial excitement you feel he’s not as motivated as you are. Excitement will drive you to find more and more and do more and more. While just agreeing to do something to appease a partner doesn’t have a similar drive.

Maybe he doesn’t know what the next steps are for him? Perhaps he’s done research when you aren’t around? It’s hard for me to know since this is just your side of things.

You can’t make him be more Dominant and you can’t make him show more interest unless he’s interested in doing so.

So.. my very best advice is to talk to him, continue talking and keep developing your relationship together. It might mean you share your research with him for him to learn anything.

How to Turn Your Submissive Experience into Education for Your Dominant

Perhaps what he needs is socializing with other Dominants? You could find a munch group in your area and attend a meeting. They are social in nature usually so there’s no pressure and he can talk to others that were right where he is at one time or another. You can search for local groups at FindaMunch.com.

Don’t give up. If he really wants to take your relationship into D/s he will find a way to progress. You can only move as fast as your slowest partner though so you will likely have to be patient with him.

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on September 22, 2014 15:00

Expectations of a Collar: How Ready Are You to Accept One?

from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 6-21-14

I wear a collar. I’ve worn a collar for 8 years. It’s been a long time since I’ve had to ponder the initial steps into receiving a collar and to be honest, I’m glad. It’s a lot easier once you have one to keep it than it is to get one to begin with. But a lot of you are asking me about collars right now that I’ve had to give it some serious thought so that I don’t say something silly or lead you down a path of incorrect information. When do you know you are ready for a collar? What’s the value in a collar really? And how can you get one?

What is a Collar?

So much to cover! First, a collar is a symbol of commitment to a Dominant. This commitment can be for a scene, a weekend, a contractual period of time or for a lifetime. But that’s not the only thing a collar is! Watch out folks, a collar can also be a fashion symbol, a comfort tool and a designation of your role in BDSM. With all that said, a collar is a personal symbol and can mean anything you wish it to mean.

If that’s the case, that a collar can mean anything we want it to mean, why are there so many people arguing over it online, from semantics to meaning to where to buy one and more? Well, because the leading definition is one of importance and value, much like a wedding ring might be valuable to those wearing it. Any time someone contradicts the majority it leads to arguments and challenging people’s opinions. And that brings on more arguments. That’s not what I plan on doing here, by the way. I’m open to accepting everyone’s viewpoints because they are all accurate.

Here are are a few more posts on collars you might find interesting:

The Role of the Collar in a Long Distance Relationship by kallista
What it Means to be Collared by LadySneak

The Impact of Velcro Collars
Basics on Collars – Video
What does it mean to you?

When you first learn about collars its a good idea to decide what they are going to mean to you. It’s an important decision and one that you can make while still a single submissive. It’s likely you have an opinion on what a wedding ring means before you get married, right? This is no different. Read about collars if you need to. Discuss them with other Dominants and submissives. Understand what their importance is for you – if there is one at all. This way you’ll be one step ahead when you enter a relationship where one might be offered.

Once in a relationship it is a good idea to ask them what a collar means to them. It would be confusing if they considered it a play tool and you consider it a lifetime commitment symbol. So get those straight up front. That way you aren’t surprised if it comes out for playtime and he won’t think you are all doe-eyed for some reason he can’t comprehend.

Preparing for a Collar

Now that you both are on the same page and you believe a collar is a commitment then the relationship work can begin. I personally don’t think a collar should be given at the start of a relationship, just like I wouldn’t accept a promise ring or engagement ring from the onset. I do understand that there are dynamics that use tiered collaring systems such that you start in a novice collar, training collar or other consideration sort of collar and progress through them as you grow in the relationship. I don’t have any experience with the tiered collar system and can’t speak personally about it.

I’m going to use the comparison again of being in a committed relationship and engagement seems the next step. How do you prepare yourself for that step and when do you know it’s a good time? Well, knowing the person intimately, loving them feeling connected to them and invested in their lives is a good start. Do you brink out the best in each other? Can you see yourself with this person long term? Also, are you an open book? Can you share all of your intimate details, fantasies and concerns with them without fear of judgement?

Knowing that your partner has your back and will be there through thick and thin is a good sign you are ready for a collar. A collar is a huge step, a milestone in your relationship and treating it as such can help you decide when is the best time to add it to the relationship.

Asking for a Collar

In some situations it is appropriate for the submissive to ask the Dominant for a collar. When you know each other well enough and are on the same page as far as what a collar means you may learn that the Dominant would like the submissive to ask for or beg to be collared by them. In this situation, the submissive is exhibiting a driving need to be under this person’s care and guidance, that they wish to live forever in their service.

Just like in the vanilla world where it’s more rare for women to propose to men, asking for a collar is not the norm. If you are expected to ask for your collar, find the words from your heart. Make it a pure and genuine request. You can set it up like a proposal if you wish for some guidelines to help you. Declare your devotion, share a story of connection the two of you share and then come right out and ask.

Receiving a Collar

Receiving your collar is a special occasion for many submissives and slaves. For some this time means a celebration of your relationship and the commitment that is about to happen. A formal collaring ceremony is what came about because of this need.

There are no right or wrong ways to be collared. They can be formal or informal. They can be private or in front of a group of your friends and “family”. For those of you who wish to plan a more formal celebration there are things to consider.

I recommend you use a wedding as an example ceremony. After all you are committing yourself to someone in a very special and often permanent way. Why not use an existing ceremony and customize it for your needs?

Acceptable Hardware

A collar is traditionally a leather strap with a D ring that fastens around the neck. But that isn’t what all collars are. There are as many collar choices as there are relationships. What’s special is that each collar is unique and special to the people that give and receive it. It does not have to be obvious and you don’t have to wear it all the time if that’s what works for you.

A few other examples of collar types:

Stainless steel locking rings
Necklaces of gold or silver
Belly chains
Piercings
Rings or bracelets
Braided leather chokers
Tattoos or brands
Conclusion
A collar can be an important step in your D/s relationship and hopefully I’ve helped you learn what you might expect from your own dynamic!

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on September 22, 2014 07:00

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

I love Fall. I like the leaves changing color, the cool nights, the foggy mornings and the reds, oranges and yellows of the season. It’s always been my favorite, and while it could be because my birthday is in the Fall I think it has a lot to do with the way Fall makes me feel. I feel home. It’s a cozy, warm, comfort feeling when Fall arrives. I know many people describe the same thing about Spring, but Fall has to be it for me. And no, I don’t love Halloween, but I do love candy corn, harvest festivals, apples and pumpkins, gourds of all kinds. I’m not sure what that says about me, but bring on Fall!

What’s your favorite season?

Join the growing list of fans that get to hang out with me monthly on Google Hangout!

I work hard to write and produce the content and I don’t ask for much in return. This is a small way you can show me that you appreciate my efforts. If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a patron of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $3 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation. Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:

This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

How to Care for Bruises and More BDSM Play Recovery Tips
BDSM and the Media: Two Sides of a Coin by tequilarose

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask lunaKM Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

Ask lunaKM – How do I show my over-protective husband that the community is a safe, respectable place?
Ask lunaKM – Dominant Asking for More Time than I Can Give
Ask lunaKM – Terrified of BDSM, but Aroused by Spanking?

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2013: Twitter Chat Transcript of Dealing with Dom/sub Drop #domsubchat
In 2012: Dressing the Part – What to Wear at Community Functions
In 2011: How to Use FetLife to Broaden Your Learning
In 2010: Creating a Personal Protocol
In 2009: The Safety Disguise of Safewords

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Next Submissive Guide Chat Night

Come make friends and chit-chat. Twice monthly discussions, all are welcome. Chat room is open 24/7 for conversation.

Date: September 30th, 2014

Time: 8PM Central (Not in CST? Find out the time where you are!)
Topic: Free Chat

Join Chat Room Now!

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

What sexual act arouses you the most? … for that matter, what nonsexual act arouses you the most? Also if necessary, divided further by the gender of the actor/actress…
Is patience valuable to your submission? Is silence? If you do incorporate these into your practices, what lessons have your learned and how has it helped you?
What have you discovered in your service that you never expected?
What do are your interpretations of what is real or true in this lifestyle?
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!
Featured Podcast of the Week – Erotic Awakening

EA334 – Finding A Poly Partner

15 Sep 2014, 10:48pm GMT

→ Erotic Awakening Podcast

This week on the Erotic Awakening Podcast, Dan & dawn are joined by Karen as they discuss how to they have successfully found poly people to date! PLUS! Bungy sends in whip cream; the Fearless Submissive; and more! AND! A shout out to Mob! MOB is a group for all women, including transsexual/transgender/intersex women who live their daily lives as women, and all female-born transgender/genderqueer persons age 21 and over who have an interest in BDSM. Check them out at http://mobnewengland.nfshost.com/mob/ Tags? Oh yea we got tags. #podcast #polyamory #COPE #foodonboobs Don’t miss an episode! Click here to subscribe via iTunes or here for any other method Part of the Erotic Awakening …

MP3 audio (32MB, 35min)

Podcast RSS

iTunes subscribe

PS: If you have interesting bookmarks you’d like to share, email them to me at subguide@gmail.com with the subject: Interesting link and I’ll take a look! That’s it for this edition.–lunaKM

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on September 21, 2014 10:00

Ask lunaKM – Terrified of BDSM, but Aroused by Spanking?

I’m absolutely terrified of BDSM. But I’m extremely aroused by the thought of a man bending me over his knee, pulling down my pants, and spanking me. Ease my mind? Thank you.

Hello terrified,

There is a huge world of kinky things inside that little acronym. I can certainly understand why you are scared. But here’s my small bit of sunshine for you.

You don’t have to like it all. You don’t even have to like some of it. If but one thing is what excites you, then find someone to do that with and leave the rest alone! There is a huge community of spanking enthusiasts that all they have an interest in is spanking. It sounds like you just might fit in with them and can close the big scary door of BDSM altogether.

Here are a few resources for the spanking community. You’ll see they are a step apart from BDSM and many don’t like associating what they enjoy doing with BDSM at all.

The quintessential site is My Bottom Smarts. It’s a blog for spanking enthusiasts by a spanking enthusiast. Bonnie recently stopped posting, but there are still a lot of good articles there to help you on your way.
A G+ community called Bare Bottom Spanking looks to be lively.
There’s a good book on spanking called Consensual Spanking by Jules Markham and covers adding spanking to your relationship.
FetLife Groups on spanking: OTK Spanking, A Sound Spanking!, Our Need and Desire Spanking Group and about 950 more groups focused on Spanking.

–lunaKM

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on September 19, 2014 15:00

Ask lunaKM – Dominant Asking for More Time than I Can Give

Hi Luna. I’m a sub and I have an online Dom. We have a lot of fun together but he wants far more time and play from me than I can afford to give. I told him this but he still wants more. I don’t want to hurt him and I don’t want to leave him but I also feel guilty about not being able to give him what he wants/needs and I’m stressed because of the time constraints. I recently started lying to him about why I wasn’t available to play. I didn’t want to lie to him but I couldn’t play and if I had told him the real reason, he would have been upset so I made it seem like the reason was beyond my control. I hate lying to him but I don’t feel like I had a choice. I don’t know what to do. I’m guilty and stressed and ashamed and his support through the “reasons beyond my control” is increasing all of that every day. I feel like I’m hurting myself in an attempt to not hurt him and that if the truth ever comes out, he’ll be hurt even more than he would have been otherwise and that he’ll leave me because of this. I guess my question is, do you think I should keep doing what I’m doing or do you think I should come clean? Thanks.

Dear pressed for time,

It’s a slippery slope once you start lying to continue the lying. Coming clean now will hurt him there’s no doubt about that. It’s hurting you now to have to lie because he’s pressuring you for time you can’t give.

So my first question to you is, when you were setting up this relationship online did you specify that you prioritize your real life activities over the online? Did you tell him that he can’t expect more time from you than you are able to give? If not, call a meeting of the minds right away and establish those boundaries. You may be submissive, but you are still a person and you can and should set limits on more than just the type of play you are willing to do for him, but also expectations on your time with him, your time away from him and so much more.

If he doesn’t respond well to your requests for the available time you set then he’s not really thinking of your needs, in my opinion. Yes, online relationships can have a lot of play in them, but unless you plan to live online then you have priorities that exist outside the computer screen. Which makes me wonder what he does that allows him so much time in front of the computer. I’m not criticizing, of course, since I do spend a lot of time at the computer, but I still have priorities set. Is his priority really playtime?

You shouldn’t have to lie to him about what you need to do away from the computer and why you can’t be available. He should accept the truth and not push you to override those commitments. Something just doesn’t feel right about his disregard for your life and priorities.

Would you accept this sort of behavior if it wasn’t cloaked under the D/s relationship blanket? If he were a guy you were having fun with online would you accept his guilt trips and the need to lie to get anything done away from the computer?

I wish you luck figuring out what’s more important.

–lunaKM

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on September 17, 2014 07:00

BDSM and the Media: Two Sides of a Coin

With the trailer of the “50 Shades of Grey” movie being released, my Facebook newsfeed and what I have seen on Fetlife in multiple groups, that’s all anyone seems to be able to talk about. I have managed to not see the trailer because I have no interest, but some of the discussions that have come up, those have been a bit more interesting to read. There’s one in particular that really struck a chord with me more than any of them. The particular article that did this was written by a friend of mine, Kitty Stryker. If the name sounds familiar it’s because she’s done several videos for Kink Academy and does a lot of work on a personal project of hers called Consent Culture, advocating the importance of consent in both the lifestyle and in vanilla settings, as well as many other projects and workshops.

One of her latest articles is titled “50 Shades of Fucked Up: How BDSM in Film Fails Everyone”. I’m not gonna lie, when I first read this article, I got a bit butt hurt. I found myself thinking “How in the heck can she bad mouth the movie Secretary? That’s blasphemy!”, but after I got over my initial knee jerk reaction, I re-read the article and found myself thinking “She’s got a point, and a very good point”, and a point that doesn’t just stop at movies, this includes all forms of entertainment-porn, books, and TV shows. Yes, I know it seems like I’m getting up on my soapbox again, but sometimes things just need to be said.

With lifestyle events being portrayed in pop culture and for entertainment value, mainstream society is given a lot of misinformation and misgivings in the lifestyle. One thing those misgivings tend to cause is how people outside perceive the lifestyle and think that is how things are done. These people don’t bother to do any kind of actual reading or research outside of said movies or erotica novels(SirRender of Fetlife does an amazing job of adding a little truthful humor to the subject). This tends to be extremely dangerous because as we all know, there are a lot of risks with how we play and unfortunately, there are a lot of people who disguise themselves as dominants to prey on the inexperienced and uneducated.

Another misgiving that these movies and books tend to cause is how the female submissive is portrayed-these weak fragile little flowers that need to be saved and this can only happen with a dominant male figure in their lives. Not only that, but these dominants have to be in powerful positions and have more money than one knows what to do with. The Fifty Shades series is a perfect example of these cliches and there’s just too many throughout the books to even begin to list them. Another example of this is in the movie Secretary, where the main character Lee is released from a mental institution at the beginning of the movie and struggles with self harm throughout the movie until her boss tells her she’s no longer allowed to cut and introduces her to the lifestyle. There have also been countless other books that I have read where the female submissive needs to be saved by the male dominant because she’s unable to function on her own without his guidance and supervision. This particular misconception really bothers me the most because women who are in the lifestyle, they are not weak. They may appear that way to the outsider but it takes so much strength and courage to submit to their partner,there is no way someone who truly is weak could handle the demands and responsibilities of a submissive or slave.

Even though all these fictional pieces of work can do damage to the lifestyle, there’s another side of the coin. People are reading these books and seeing these movies and creating a dialogue that otherwise might have never happened. Couples are experimenting and also seeking out resources to learn about how to do what it is we do safely. Women are talking more about their sexuality and what turns them on, which is a great thing considering how taboo women’s sexuality tends to be in today’s society. Not only that, but people who once thought that BDSM is a terrible thing are realizing that the stereotypes they learned through society aren’t an accurate portrayal of the lifestyle, that what we practice is consensual with all parties involved.

Not only do fictional works get people talking about what BDSM really is, but these pieces of work can also very accurately portray what a s-type feels about their D-type partners. There have been many passages in Anne Rice’s Sleeping Beauty trilogy that I have found myself passionately moved when Rice describes how one of the slaves feel about their master or other dominants they are involved with. My favorite scene in Secretary is when Lee is walking home from work and we hear her inner voice describing how freed she now feels and I remember the first time I saw this scene, I felt like someone had gotten inside my head and put into words how I was feeling about the dominant I was involved with at the time and now how I feel about Daddy. Feeling moved by a quote from a book or movie, for me anyways, is a great way to be able to express those feelings that you don’t quite know how to put into words and bring inspiration and affirmation to what it is we do. I know there have been various points in my life where I find myself doubting and questioning, but feel so much more reassured after reading or hearing something that speaks to my submissive soul.

There’s always going to be a portrayal of BDSM in popular culture because of the level of taboo the lifestyle seems to radiate and it’s something that will never change. While some of the publicity that may came our way isn’t always going to be good(50 Shades), but a positive outlook can still be found as long as we’re willing to help those who are new and not pass judgement.

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on September 16, 2014 07:00

Ask lunaKM – How do I show my over-protective husband that the community is a safe, respectable place?

It took me a few days after the big realization that I am a sub, to share it with husband. We’ve been doing days of research and communicating and setting limits. Now, one of his biggest problems is entering into the community. He sees it as a place I will be hit on, and somehow would want to invite others to join us. He is a very jealous person. (Which I love, mostly). How do I get the support from the community/like minded people, while he learns it can be a safe, respectful place?

Well, my best suggestion is get off the Internet. Online communities harbor a lot of horny people who only want to hook up with anyone who identifies as female. Face to face communities are not really meat markets and those that are will announce the intention. It’s like a club or support group first and to be honest the bulk of people there will already be in relationships.

Is there any reason he can’t go to these groups with you to “protect” you? You’ll be treated with respect at the groups you attend, but this way he’ll feel he’s doing something to fend of those invisible slimey hands he’s seeing in his head. I don’t mean that bad – I too have a very protective jealous type owning me.

FetLife is a poor example of someplace respectable because the anonymity of the place brings out the worst in people. But, if you want to find real groups, many of them list their events there since it is a social community for kinky peoples.

What do you say folks? How do you alleviate the fears of jealous Doms when you want to go get support from the community?

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on September 15, 2014 15:00

How to Care for Bruises and More BDSM Play Recovery Tips

If there’s one topic that comes up time and again on this blog, in readers’ emails to me and online forums is how do you care for bruises and other physical and emotional reminders of play? Since 2009 when I started writing this site I’ve returned to this topic time and again with interesting and useful suggestions and advice – to the point where it’s difficult for a new reader to find a place to start.

The following list of links are my suggestions on key posts on the topic of bruise care and aftercare from my archives. I hope you find them to be useful.

Learning About Aftercare
The Anatomy of a Scene – What Happens? - a walk-through of what to expect from a scene from start to finish.
Aftercare Encyclopedia Article – A lot of detail has gone into putting an encyclopedia article on aftercare together. Understand what it is and isn’t, how to negotiate it and what to do if you haven’t received enough.
The Question of Aftercare – Is aftercare necessary or not? Who’s responsible for giving it?
Caring for Yourself After a Scene – Self Aftercare – Tips and suggestions for how to take care of yourself when you need more aftercare and are alone.
Bruises, Cuts and Burns – First Aid After Play
Physical Aftercare and First Aid Quick Reference - A 5 page cheat sheet to keep in your toy bag and dungeon area with first aid and care for common physical ailments that occur during play. Found on the ebooks page.
First Aid for Bruises, Abrasions and After Play Marks – a basic guide on how to treat cuts, scrapes, burns and bruises that result from BDSM play.
Going to the Doctor with Kink-Related Marks or Bruises – how do you handle a Dr’s visit if you have marks or need further care after an intense play session?
Ask lunaKM – Reducing the Appearance of Marks After Play – my response to a reader’s question about minimizing visible bruising.
Ask the Readers – How Can I Prevent Bruising? – a readers’ discussion on how to prevent and reduce bruising from play.
Sub Drop and Emotional Release from Scenes
Some of the Best Kept Secrets of Sub Drop Recovery – a toolkit of the symptoms of sub drop, what it means and how to manage it with a drop kit and more.
Chat Night Transcript from Sub Space and Sub Drop Talk – a monthly online munch hosted on the site where we talk about sub space and sub drop.
The Emotional Side of Sub Drop – Methods to deal with the deep sadness, guilt, fear and shame that may come up during sub drop.
Ask lunaKM – Negative Feelings for Dominant After Sub Drop Ends – I give some advice for someone who’s feeling less than appreciative.
Ask SehAnru – Sub Drop and Mental Illness Concerns – SehAnru helps a reader with bi-polar understand that everyone drops differently.
Kink and Mental Health – Can “Sub Drop” Be a Trigger – Rayne talks about triggers and sub drop in this fantastic installment to her Kink and Mental Health Series.
Dominant Recovery
How To Help Your Dominant Recover from Play - ways you can help your Dominant recover from play even while you are coming down.
Chat Night Transcript from Dominant Aftercare Talk - a group of us talk about what we need from aftercare may be different from what our partner needs. We then identify what those needs might be.
What to Do When Your Dominant Drops – I address the ins and outs of Dom drop in this video post.
When Top Drop Rules Your Relationship – a guest post by Christian talks about the emotional toll that comes with a Dominant that drops hard and carries guilt about play.
Other Articles from Around the Internet on Play Recovery
BDSM and Sex Toy Cleaning and Care – a PDF document I put together for the local munch group on a presentation I did for them.
Aftercare – an article that defines aftercare and help you put together and aftercare kit.
Sensual Aftercare – when play is sensual, aftercare can be too! Alternate methods of aftercare.
If You Simply Must Use BDSM as Therapy – talks about emotional release, playing safely when using as therapy and other concerns.
10 Ways to Fight Sub Drop – How to manage post-play depression with foods, nutritional supplements and other simple healthy tips.
Sub-Space, Aftercare and Sub-Drop or Sub-Crash - what are they and how do you manage them?
Sub Drop – D/s Seekers covers the basics and shares tips on how to handle sub drop.
Related Posts:
Research Page: Sub Drop
Caring for Yourself After a Scene: Self-Aftercare
Some of the Best Kept Secrets to Sub Drop Recovery
Exploring Your Place in BDSM Play
The Anatomy of A Scene: What Happens?

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on September 15, 2014 07:00