Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 73

BDSM Basics: Am I Kinky If…?

You’re surfing the internet one day and come across a forum of people talking about their sex lives. It’s interesting to you so you stop and read a bit. Just when you thought you were like everyone else, someone mentions something that you enjoy doing during sex and the responses are, “Oh that’s kinky!” It gives you pause. You never considered yourself kinky but what if somehow, the things you do in the bedroom defined you as kinky. Should you start saying you enjoy kinky sex? Is it bad to be kinky? What is kinky anyway?

Yeah so that’s a lot of questions in an introduction but let’s be real here, they all have merit when it comes to discovering that something we enjoy might be kinky. Because for some reason we can’t really explain being kinky is different and not always in a good way – or at least our friends would have us think so.

What is kinky?

In general terms, kinky is considered anything that goes outside the normative acceptable activities of sex. It’s a mouthful to be sure. What I mean by that is in your local area and in the circle of friends you surround yourself with, kinky is anything that isn’t normal to the distinct group. Religion, geography, social status and even politics can play a role in deciding what is and isn’t kinky. Even age and the state of sexual awareness in ourselves can change what defines kinky.

So what the hell is kinky? You just told me that it is dependent on a lot of things. How do I know what it is for me? I’m glad you asked because I’m going to ask you right back. When you think of different sex acts that you are aware of, even ones you don’t take part in yourself, what would you consider kinky? For example, before I realized that kinky sex was my acceptable normal I considered any kind of bondage kinky. I considered sex with the lights on kinky. Roleplaying was kinky and so was dirty talk. These were things that as I was growing up and the people I surrounded myself with all talked about in hushed tones and some negative ones too. They weren’t acceptable. They weren’t normal.

Normal, what?

But when we think about what is normal about sex we begin to realize that there is no normal. There is socially acceptable, but what does that mean really. I don’t need someone else deciding what is the right way to have sex and what isn’t. I want to listen to myself and my body and when I get enjoyment and pleasure from something I do intimately with my partner (or partners even!) then it’s acceptable to me. For many of us as we mature and grow into adulthood we decide if we are going to follow the flow of society and let them decide what paths our life will take or we discover a new way that makes us feel just as fulfilled and yet goes against what society may be telling us.

If it were up to our parents or our grandparents generation to determine what normal sex was, can you imagine? Would it be only in marriage with the lights off under the covers and only for procreation? Would it ever involve oral sex or anal sex? What about exploring other things like S&M or spanking? Do you imagine that our sex life would be different if you followed in past generations footsteps?

It’s common for people to continue how they were raised and what they learned growing up. It’s also common for people to be open to exploration and learning to listen to their bodies and minds when it comes to sexual pleasure. So, honestly, I’d have to say there is no normal. Really.

How Naughty!

Is it a bad thing to be kinky? Well, are your sexual desires and activities hindering your life in other ways? Are you finding that they interfere with work, or family or socializing? If not, then no; being kinky is not bad at all. Sure it may take you a bit longer to find a sexual partner that has similar kinky desires but that doesn’t make you any less of a sexual person for having desires that are considered kinky.

So you’ve discovered that you are kinky and that you like kinky things. Now what? Will you just desire more extreme fetishes and kinks as time goes on? Will you get bored with your initial kinks and move on to others that currently freak you out? Maybe. Maybe not. Think of it this way. Gender normative sex, the standard heterosexual sex has many variations to it. And people who don’t identify with being kinky can still have fun and be perfectly okay with their sexual repertoire. There’s no reason to assume that just because you like a few kinky things that you will never be satisfied with it and constantly need to up the kink factor.

After all this talk about being kinky, what do you do if you decide that you are kinky?

It depends. There’s no reason to do anything more than you already are doing. Make sure you find a partner that is willing to go along with your sexual desires. Enjoy your sex life. If you feel you want to socialize with others that are into the same kinks as you are, then you can do that too. It’s not really like a Magic: The Gathering meeting, but at least you will chat with others who accept your kink and the fact that kink can be normal.

You are normal. Accept yourself. Enjoy yourself. Keep exploring.

Submissive Guide Recommends These Beginner BDSM Books:





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What is Submission to You?

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How I Help Our Finances Without Knowing the Numbers

Welcome new contributor moonlight!

When Sir and I moved in together and we opened our bank accounts, it was a huge relief that bill paying was no longer on my to-do list. They always created such anxiety, even when I knew the money was there to cover the bills and then some. It felt as if it were a given that Sir would be in charge of our finances. With very little hesitation, all of the financial situation was turned over to Him. I am in a place where I know that Sir will keep taking care of me and our family.

Of course, sometimes I wonder about how we are doing or find myself wanting to contribute in more obvious ways. What I have come to realize is that even from home, I can make a difference in our financial situation – for better or worse – through my service. Most of this revolves around one particular room: the kitchen.

One of the most obvious ways I can help is through meal planning. Sir and I are foodies and we love dishes with flavour! But flavour doesn’t have to mean elegant, extravagant, or expensive. Once a week, I flip through some our favourite cookbooks and a few food blogs to find recipes we have ingredients for already or could make without too many extra items on the shopping list. This week, the shopping list was about half a page and the total came to about $50! Since most recipes feed 4 to 6, we are sure to have leftovers which are easy meals for weekday lunches. The meal planning keeps our grocery list short but it also stops us from looking into the fridge without inspiration and not knowing what to make for dinner. It has also helped us avoid the options of the various (delicious and much more expensive) restaurant food options in our city.

I also keep a good eye on what is still good (have you looked in your crisper drawer lately?) and what items needs to be used quickly in the fridge. This week, I turned two sets of leftovers into entire meals! There was a beautiful roast beef dinner, with mashed potatoes, that we had on Sunday night. With what was left of a bag of frozen vegetables, all I had to do was chop up the roast beef, add the frozen veggies, top with the potatoes and a little paprika from the cupboard and now we have a gourmet version of a Sheppard’s pie for another day! Pop that in the freezer and when we don’t know what to make or plans get thrown out the window, the restaurant is still no longer an option.

As you know, every item you buy at the store can add up quickly. This makes me mindful of the little ways to save some money – like making my own chicken and beef stock from the bones. I am home anyways, and it only takes water, some vegetables, maybe some herbs that I already have and voila! It simmers away and we end up with a lot of containers of stock. This means less to buy at the store! The same goes for produce we haven’t finished. Right now, it is fall, and apples are all around us but when we didn’t finish all the apples, they can easily be turned into applesauce. That can top a nice roast pork or just be devoured with a spoon. We even put that in the freezer for later. The freezer becomes a great friend because when you look inside, there is always extra ingredients to make another dish extra special.

I don’t need to know the numbers to know that if we aren’t eating out, the shopping list stays short, and we aren’t wasting the food that we are buying, it means that the money we do have can be spent on things we really need, unexpected expenses, or if there are enough savings, maybe something for a little bit of fun. It is something that I have taken on as part of my service, to be mindful in the kitchen. Food is nourishing for the body and spirit; by giving back to our family through these well-thought out meals, I am nourishing them to be their very best.

moonlight is a slave to her Master, a proud mommy and a member of a poly group in Canada. She is always learning how to balance her submission with every day life. She can be found on FetLife: moonlight_jade

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Male submission – Financial Domination

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Ask lunaKM – How Should a Submissive Act at a Dungeon Party?

Hi.  My slave and I are going to a dungeon together for the first time.  I’m wondering about how she should talk.  She has rules for talking with me.  But not for talking with others in the community.  I know she should be respectful to all.  But how should she address other Masters and slaves?  I want her to be able to socialize with other slaves.  Does she just talk however she chooses with other slaves?  Are there some suggested rules or a protocol for a slave to engage in conversation at a dungeon?  Thank you.

Hi there! Going to a dungeon party is an exciting step into the social atmosphere of the BDSM community. It often leads to a lot of questions about what to expect and how to act around others so your question is definitely one on many people’s lips.

How a submissive talks to others is subjective to what the Dominant requires. As a comfortable baseline, be respectful and polite. Treat them like anyone else you’ve just met. Use the names they offer, and if they haven’t offered one, ask them what their name is. This goes for Dominants and submissives.

You should not be expected to abide by anyone else’s protocol before you know what it is. So saying hello and being friendly is always welcome. If someone is on restrictions for the night they will tell you. Every single relationship has different levels of protocol and expectations but each one appreciates politeness and respect. So, feel free to introduce yourselves and if your submissive has a desire to chat and get to know other submissives I’m sure she’ll have every available avenue to do so.

If there is a party-wide protocol you should find that out before you attend. Some places have clothing rules, play rules and social rules so make sure you know them so you can be ready to follow them.

A few common sense things to keep in mind:

Don’t strike up conversations in the play area. Do your talking in the social area. Extra chatter can disrupt scenes and it is disrespectful.
Don’t talk to couples who have just finished playing. Let them come down, take care of any aftercare and come back to the world. Once they look like they are mingling again you can compliment the play or converse with them.
Don’t touch. Anything. Dungeon parties particularly are places that people are very protective of what belongs to them, including their partners. So, before you hug or shake hands, ask.
Remember this is still a party, even if play is going on, so socialization is an attraction for many people who don’t play in public. There will be people to get to know and will welcome striking up a conversation!

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

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Ask lunaKM – Roleplay Scenarios, Unable to Kneel and Boost of Confidence
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Ask lunaKM – Another Batch of Quick Answers
Ask lunaKM – Relationship Stress, Cruising Protocol and Poly Issues
Ask lunaKM – Weakness and Triggers, 24/7 Start and Incompatibility

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

A Mental Predicament: Balancing Wants and Needs

Welcome new contributor andyiccee!

My Master and I have been together for nearly three years, we have been through family crises, late studying nights, and more fights than I can count, but we always come out stronger on the other side. Integrating S&M into our sex life was a very simple transition, we communicated fantasies, purchased toys together, and were open to new ideas and experiences. The transition to 24/7 D/s turned out to be much more challenging for us.

While we were both open-minded about the idea of transitioning to full-time, Master was worried that we would need to sacrifice our cute cuddle time for the cold rigidity of some of the blogs that he had read online. I was gung-ho, wanting nothing more than to spend my time serving my Master, working to make Him as happy as I possibly could. When we sat down to draft our contract I was quick to agree to almost anything that Master suggested and to throw in extreme suggestions that I had read online. We signed the contract and everything went really well for a few weeks. I made mistakes, I was punished, but things appeared to be going well.

And then one morning things fell apart. You see, I am bipolar, something that I hadn’t thought about throughout the entire beginning of the transition. I had been manic and quick to experience everything and threw myself into this new type of relationship with a fervor. Yet, when my mania started to fade into a depression, I was left opposed to so many of the rules I made. I was snappy when Master tried to enforce rules and simply stormed out of the house. Master offered to stop the transition entirely worried that it was making my depression worse, but I refused and we rode out a tumultuous month where I did my best to balance my own ideas of what D/s should look like based on a variety of blog posts and articles and my foul moods that made me want to scream every time I made a mistake.

I wanted to have the ‘perfect’ D/s relationship that I was reading about on the websites, and no matter how many times I read “D/s is what you make it” it never sank in. I wanted to be immediately as good, subservient, and adventurous as the blogs we were reading. Now Master was becoming increasingly worried that our relationship was falling apart. My depression and anger at my inability to fulfill my desire to be the perfect sub was destroying me and subsequently Him. Finally, he decided that enough was enough, I had no control over the chemical balance, or lack thereof, in my brain, but we could take a look at our relationship.

I refused at first because changing the rules, adjusting the contract would be solid proof that I was the worst sub in history. Eventually He convinced me to talk to him and we sat down and talked about how unrealistic both of our expectations were. A transition from a ‘vanilla’ relationship where we spent the majority of our time cuddling, kissing, and laughing, to a D/s relationship where I had a punishment lined up for everything was just not realistic. Even though I had convinced myself that I wanted that kind of relationship, I realized that I needed so much more than that.

I needed to be held sometimes, I needed to be able to eat when I wasn’t with Master, and he needed to be able to tickle me and kiss me when he wanted without worrying that made him too lenient of a Master. We reviewed limits that were not constructed on too many blogs and an overly heightened mental state. We realized that we could strike a balance where there were realistic rules and goals for our relationship, that we really could make D/s work for us. It was imperative that we considered what we both needed from the relationship, instead of holding ourselves to a standard that was unrealistic and didn’t align with what we were seeking.

I learned many things through this emotionally trying facet of our relationship. The most important lesson being that as a sub, I NEED to communicate with my Master. Communication extends beyond calling a safe word or discussing my sexual limits; emotional limits are just as, if not slightly more important. Once we were both able to discuss our needs, we could better negotiate a stable contract that integrated both of our needs into our lifestyle. I also learned that there is no such thing as “The Universal Perfect Sub”. What is perfect to one Dominant may be very un-perfect to another. It was ridiculous to hold myself to a standard of what the perfect sub was to some blogger on the internet when my Master was sitting at home. I had to listen to his needs and wants too. Together we needed to establish a safe place, because without a feeling of security and balance, neither of us were enjoying the new-found components of our relationship.

Related Posts:
Why Identifying Your Wants and Needs is So Important
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Ask lunaKM – Am I Submitting or Not?
How to Serve a Self-Sufficient Dominant

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[Free Download] Creating a Drop Kit

Here’s this month’s free download! I’ve put together some of the best suggested things to have on hand and to do when you experience sub drop! I hope it helps you in your times of need. Please download it, print it and share it wherever it may help!

Download it here!

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Ask SehAnru | Subdrop and Mental Illness Concerns
Research Page: Sub Drop

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Allergies are on high here this week. Our new apartment is in the middle of  large corn fields and the harvesting hasn’t even begun yet but I have my meds on board and I’ll get through the cooler weather and allergy season just fine. I noticed the leaves are starting to turn around here, but only on the frailer trees. Major foliage isn’t supposed to happen here until the middle-end of October. I can’t wait!

Do you suffer from allergies? How do you get though the allergy season? Any tips?

What’s your favorite season?

Join the growing list of fans that get to hang out with me monthly on Google Hangout!

I work hard to write and produce the content and I don’t ask for much in return. This is a small way you can show me that you appreciate my efforts. If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a patron of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $3 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation. Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:

This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

Expectations of a Collar: How Ready Are You to Accept One?
No Stupid (Sex Toy) Questions: Episode 1 – Should my vagina be burning?! by Rayne
Bonus! Third Chat Night This Month – Open Forum

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask lunaKM Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

Ask lunaKM – Relationship isn’t going anywhere?
Ask lunaKM – Ideas for Discreet Punishment
Ask lunaKM Column News and Frequently Asked Questions

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2013: Sexual Exclusivity in Poly Relationships – Is It Possible?
In 2012: Ask lunaKM | The Effects of Fisting
In 2011: Facing Sudden Illness During Play/Scene Time
In 2010: Book Review: Exhibitionism for the Shy: Show Off, Dress Up and Talk Hot!
In 2009: Book Review: How To Get the Spanking You Want

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Next Submissive Guide Chat Night

Come make friends and chit-chat. Twice monthly discussions, all are welcome. Chat room is open 24/7 for conversation.

Date: September 30th, 2014

Time: 8PM Central (Not in CST? Find out the time where you are!)
Topic: Free Chat

Join Chat Room Now!

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking. 

Do you find it hard to be honest if you know it will cause pain? Is it easier to be honest with yourself or someone else?
How do you replenish or recharge yourself after a very powerful or exhausting session?
How do you define failure? How does your owner define failure?
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!
Featured Podcast of the Week – Polyamory Weekly

PW 403: Striking while the iron is cold

24 Sep 2014, 1:00pm GMT

→ Polyamory Weekly

Striking while the iron is cold: should you bring in a new poly partner when your current partner agreed to it years ago and you’ve become distant in the meantime? Email polyweekly@gmail.com, call 802-505-POLY, Twitter @polyweekly or visit www.polyweekly.com or www.facebook.com/polyweekly

MP3 audio  (37MB, 27min)

Podcast RSS

iTunes subscribe

PS: If you have interesting bookmarks you’d like to share, email them to me at subguide@gmail.com with the subject: Interesting link and I’ll take a look! That’s it for this edition.–lunaKM

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#domsubchat – Transcript of Twitter Chat – Dating and Finding a Partner in BSM

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

Ask lunaKM Column News and Frequently Asked Questions

I’m sure you’ve noticed that the past 3 months there have been a lot of Ask lunaKM column posts here on the site. I had such a backlog that I felt the need to get them out there faster than I was so that’s why I had them posting three times a week. But now I’m finally all caught up with my Ask lunaKM column that I can move it to its permanent post time on Wednesdays only.

With this announcement I wanted to cover a few frequently asked questions that have to do with the Ask lunaKM column.

1. Will you answer my question?

Maybe. I get anonymous questions all the time and many of them are repetitive or similar to ones I’ve already answered. If your question isn’t specific enough or I don’t have enough information to make an educated opinion piece then I will not answer your question. If you send me an email from your email address this might get you an answer but I have a full email box too so some requests for advice just do not get answered. I only have so much time in my day. If you need answers, please use the FetLife group for Submissive Guide and gain advice and support from other readers.

2. If you don’t answer my question on the site, will you email me with your advice?

I can’t do that. You used a form on the site that does not log your email address. I wouldn’t know where to send any sort of response, if I felt inclined to answer it.

3. Do you answer every question you receive?

Gosh no! As I said above, I get a lot of questions every single day and I pick only the ones that I can answer and that might help others reading it to learn more about themselves or work through their own situations.  Questions I don’t answer get archived in my email inbox.

4. Why do you always say to find professional help?

I am not a doctor, therapist, mental health professional, teacher, child care worker, sex worker or your mother. If any of your requests for advice would be better served by these people, I will direct you to use them.

5. How do I know if you answered my question?

You will need to follow the site to see if your question gets answered in the Ask lunaKM column. I can no notify you of a response since there is no email address connected to your query.

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

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Ask lunaKM – How do you get them to lean on you for help and support?

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

Bonus! Third Chat Night This Month – Open Forum

Wow! Could it be? Another chat night here at Submissive Guide. Due to the way the month ended up we have an extra chat night for the month coming this Tuesday. So, let’s talk about anything and everything.

This chat will be an open forum. I will moderate with a list of varying topics and we’ll talk about as many as we can in the time we have. If you have topic ideas bring them with you! I hope to see all of you there.

Info

When: 9/30/14  8 PM CST – 9:30 PM CST (Not in CST? Find out the time where you are!)

Where: Chat room on the website, or use an IRC Client

Topic: Open Forum

HOW TO GET TO THE CHAT ROOM

The chat room is attached to this site under the link at the top, or you can click this link here.  It will ask for your nickname and then automatically connect you to the chat room. It is open all the time, so if you want to meet some people, hang out in there. I try to be there when I’m at my computer too.

If you use an IRC desktop client you can connect to the server directly. Here is the information you need to find the room:

Server: irc.kink-network.com

Port: 6667

Channel: #submissive-guide

Questions? Let me know. Otherwise I hope to see a lot of you there on Tuesday!

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Chat Night Transcript From What is Service Talk
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Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

Ask lunaKM – Ideas for Discreet Punishment

Hi! My boyfriend and I both want a BDSM relationship, but we both still have roommates. He’s hesitant to continue discussion on rules he would like for me to follow due to the fact that punishment for these rules would be hard due to lack of privacy. Any suggestions about discreet punishments?

Having a BDSM relationship with other people around is hard to do, that I can understand. Sometimes, novices just need a bit of broadening of ideas when you only hear of noisier punishment techniques. Things like spanking, flogging, caning and so on are definitely off the books if someone is around that isn’t part of the dynamic. Punishment isn’t something you should have to plan, but when you are tiptoeing around others, preparation and creative ideas are necessary.

Good news is that there is plenty you can do when it comes to discreet and quiet punishment for breaking rules. Just to be clear, I picked up from your short message that these corrections will be for misbehavior and not as a way to initiate play. So that’s the direction this post goes. If you want discreet play ideas, head on over to the Chat Night Transcript from an online munch I held here on the site about BDSM with kids at home.

Now on to discreet disciplinary methods. Think back to how you may have been punished as a child. The most common action at my house was grounding. I got privileges taken away. I wasn’t allowed to hang out with friends. I had to go to bed without dinner once or twice. These will still work for punishment now. Remember, the point is to have things that you would hate to receive as punishment but help you learn from your mistakes.

Grounding is things like:

No TV use.
No music.
No going out to movies/concerts/dates/theater.
No Internet use.
No phone/texting use.
No sweets.
No pop.
No friends.
No playtime.
No sex/orgasms.
Other ideas include writing lines, writing essays, standing in the corner (time outs), mouth washing out with soap, and lectures. If physical punishment is what you need, silent tools like clamps work well. Again, you can refer to the ideas from the chat night to help you selecting quieter methods. Pick something that you wouldn’t do for play so that the meaning doesn’t get mixed and it should work well.

The point behind all of these is that they can be explained away if a roommate were to become curious. Tell them you are testing what it’s like without “whatever you can’t have” or that you aren’t in the mood for distraction, sweets, pop, whatever. Other things can be done in the privacy of your own bedroom so there is no invasion of your dynamic there.  If you need to, come up with you own explanations for why you aren’t participating.

Hopefully this will help.

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

 

Related Posts:
What to Do When Punishment Starts to Feel Good
Ask lunaKM – A Disconnect with Submission
Submissive Speech 4: How to Apologize
You’ve Been Bad, Now What; Curing the Post-Infraction Funk
Ask lunaKM – Is he Ignoring me or has he moved on?

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

No Stupid (Sex Toy) Questions: Episode 1 – Should my vagina be burning?!

Over at my personal blog, InsatiableDesire.com, I write a series called “No Stupid (Kink) Questions (NSKQ)“. I started it a few years ago because every time I stuck my head in a kink forum, I found serious questions asked by newbies and never really answered by more advanced kinksters. I mean, if you are proficient in snark and sarcasm, you can probably read between the lines, but why should you have to? Why should you have to comb through all the people who are more interested in telling you how stupid you are to find the answer to your question? The answer is you shouldn’t. And so NSKQ began.

This series is kinda like that, only in this case, the motivation is more about the embarrassment surrounding discussing sex toys.

Question 1:

I found this awesome looking $10 vibrator at the local sex toy shop, so I bought it. I mean, who can pass up a $10 vibrator, right? I got it home, washed it up, and started using it, and it set my vulva and vagina on fire. And not in the good way. What’s up with that? Is my vagina defective?

Nope.

Here’s the skinny on sex toys:

There’s no regulation on what materials can be used to make a sex toy.

That’s no joke.

In fact, there are very few laws regulating sex toys, and most of them are related to the sale and ownership of them. In Texas, you could be made to register as a sex offender if convicted of selling “obscene devices”.

This means some manufacturers put whatever the hell they want into the toys they produce with no regard to the health and well-being of their customers. And they lie about it. Constantly, and consistently. One company insists they’re telling the truth about their materials despite test results from a lab that suggest otherwise.

The problem with this is some of these materials are toxic. They can cause severe allergic reactions, chemical burns, and even cancer.

The motivation, I”ms sure, is rarely evil. I mean, think about it. Why would anyone intentionally kill off their customer base? It’s just that manufacturers know not everyone can afford to spend $100+ on a vibrator, so they use cheaper materials to keep the customer’s (and, more specifically, their own) cost down. And let’s face it. Even people who know that some of the materials used can be toxic still choose to purchase those toys because they’re cheap.

My suggestion to you (not that you asked for one, but I’m itching to give some advice) is to toss that toy and get something that is body safe, meaning it will not leach poisons into your body through contact, or cause a reaction of any sort. Some materials that fall into this category are hard plastic, silicone, wood, stainless steel, glass, ceramic, aluminum.

A sex toy that is body safe usually doesn’t have an odor to it. If you wet your mouth and touch it to your lips, it won’t burn you. When you use it vaginally or anally, it won’t cause irritation.

If you can’t afford a better sex toy, at the very least, put a condom on it when you use it. But this might not even help you avoid a reaction. There are some reports of chemical reactions even with condoms. The best thing to do is put aside money until you can afford something safer. I know that sounds silly, but we’re talking cancer, here, y’all. Cancer. Fuck cancer. Buy safe sex toys.

Some articles on toxic sex toys that you should read:

Toxic Toys: Beyond Phthalates by Metis Black (founder of Tantus, Inc, which also happens to be my favorite and most trusted sex toy brand)
Toxic Sex Toys – What to Know Before You Buy by Ruby Ryder
The Trouble With Toxic Sex Toys by Sex and Sexuality
Dildology: The Science of Sex Toys by Dangerous Lilly
Sex Toy Journalism: Bringing Toxic Sex Toy Facts Out of the Attic also by Dangerous Lilly…If you’re really interested in the subject, just start clicking related articles at the bottom of either of these posts. The facts are frightening.
SEX TOY SAFETY: WHAT’S IN YOUR TOY BOX? by Ducky Doolittle

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