Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 63

Littles Chat With tequilarose This Saturday!

Are you a little? How about an age player? Then this is the chat for you! tequilarose is hosting a chat night just for you! Make sure you clear your calendar and come on out to chat about all things to do with Daddy/little and Mommy/little relationship styles.

The 411

When: 02/07/15 @ 2 PM CST – 3:30 PM CST (Not in CST? Find out the time where you are!)

Where: Chat room on the website, or use an IRC Client

Topic: Littles Chat with tequilarose

Check out some of the articles by tequilarose on age play and being a little:

Am I Little or What? Discovering the Types of Littles
The Best Resources for Littles, Adult Babies, and Diaper Lovers
Little Does Not Equal Irresponsible
Being a Little in a Long Distance Relationship
Daddy-Little Girl Dynamics: It’s Not Easy Being A Little
Daddy’s Little Girl – Exploring the Ageplay Dynamic

HOW TO GET TO THE CHAT ROOM

The chat room is attached to this site under the link at the top, or you can click this link here. It will ask for your nickname and then automatically connect you to the chat room. It is open all the time, so if you want to meet some people, hang out in there. I try to be there when I’m at my computer too.

If you use an IRC desktop client you can connect to the server directly. Here is the information you need to find the room:

Server: irc.kink-network.com

Port: 6667

Channel: #submissive-guide

Questions? Leave a comment!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on February 03, 2015 10:00

Am I Little or What? Discovering the Types of Littles

https://www.flickr.com/photos/verbeeldingskr8/7773110370

Like in the BDSM lifestyle, there’s a lot of different labels and terminology when it comes to the world of age players, littles, adult babies, and diaper lovers. Like most people, one person usually doesn’t just fit one definition and there tends to be a blending of labels, which is totally cool because I fully believe that you should call yourself whatever you feel fits you best. But for those who new to the little dynamic or those who are wanting to learn more about the dynamic, having labels and definitions can help people understand things better. So, I’ve put together this list defining some of the most common terms that are used when talking about the little lifestyle. Something to keep in mind while reading this is that not all littles are females or in the submissive role.

Adult Baby-Most adult babies fall anywhere along the lines between the ages of newborns to a year old. Not all adult babies are diaper lovers, but a majority of them are. People who are adult babies enjoy being treated like a baby which includes having the caregiver change their diapers, wearing baby clothes, drinking out of baby bottles, sleeping in a crib, eating out of a high chair, and other normal activities that babies enjoy.

Diaper Lovers-This term normally goes hand in hand with adult babies, but as stated above, not all diaper lovers are adult babies. There are some older littles who still enjoy wearing diapers and there are also people who are not littles or are into age play who enjoy wearing diapers as a sexual fetish.

Age Players-This one is a little tricky. People who role play as a different age are considered age players. Age play roles can be sexual or non sexual in nature. Most people assume that age play only includes younger roles, but this does include any age from infant to elderly. Role playing younger is the most common form of age playing. Not all adult babies and littles are age players. Age player tends to be an umbrella term for all adult babies/littles/middles even though most involved in the dynamic feel that being an adult baby/little/middle is a part of who they are and not a role that they play.

A quote from the book Age Play: From Diapers to Diplomas by Paul Rulof says a little more about this: “People who are more towards the literal interpretation end of the spectrum feel they have a facet of their personality that is still a child. Alternately, the literal aspect would be more along the lines of believing that you are deep down inside still a child. When these people age play, they do not consider it play or acting, but rather releasing and focusing on that fact of their personalities for awhile.

Babygirl-A babygirl is someone who relates to anything girly. It’s all about how you feel more than having to do with a specific age. There are also some people who consider the age range to be anywhere from toddler to kindergarten years. Babygirl can also be used as a term of endearment by people who are not in the little dynamic. There are also those out there who consider themselves to be babygirls but they are not littles.

Littles-Those who fall into this category tend to fall between the age range of kindergartners to pre-teen. This is also used to describe those who do regress but don’t have a specific age range. Something else to remember about this term, there are people who consider themselves littles, but they do not regress.

Middles-The age range of middles tends to be between the ages of twelve to seventeen. Unlike younger littles, middles tend to have more awareness of the world around them, a grasp of sexuality, seek more independence, and question authority. Lolitas and Nymphets are a subcategory of middles that has to do with those who relate to the title character in the novel Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov.

While exploring the little dynamic, make sure to not get yourself hung up on labels and definitions. What’s important is doing what feels right and makes you and your partner happy. Remember, labels are for soup cans, not for people.

Resources:

Ageplay on Wikipedia
Paraphilic Infantilism on Wikipedia
Types of “Littles” – Exploring Age Play Archetypes
What is a “Middle”? – Mystical Middles – FetLife
What is a Little? What is a Baby Girl? – BabyGirl Lifestyle – FetLife

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on February 03, 2015 07:00

After “Red” : How to Manage the Aftermath When You’ve Used Your Safeword

from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 11/1/14

Your safeword is your lifeline for play. It is a way to express you’ve reached a limit, whether that is a physical limit or an emotional one. The couples that play with safewords know that there is an often unspoken importance in only using it when it is necessary and this is a large reason submissives are afraid to use them. But you shouldn’t be hesitant to use it. It can mean the end of play, but it can also keep you from going places you are not ready to explore. You should never fear using your safeword but for many the sense of guilt and disappointment in themselves keeps them from using it when it is absolutely necessary. Fortunately there are ways to deal with the guilt, disappointment, fear, sense of failure for using your safeword and the failing to use your safeword at all that many of us feel at one time or another.

If you play with a safeword you know that this lifeline is given in trust. The Dominant trusts you to use it when you need it. You trust him to comply and stop the scene (or at least check in) when you use it. This trust is very important to have at the get go. If you don’t trust the person you are playing with, you shouldn’t play. It’s that simple.

I’ve only had to use my safeword a time or two, but I’m thankful that I did. KnyghtMare and I were playing a bit more intense than usual and it as discussed before we started that I would likely end play with a safeword. I processed as much pain as I could and really enjoyed the build up but as play continued I noticed a rising anger out of nowhere. Suddenly the next strike of the cane set me on edge and I fumed, tossed the keys (I was gagged at the time) and burst into tears. He quickly and compassionately untied me and soothed my aches and helped dry my tears as I just babbled and cried for what appeared to be no reason other than it hurt so gosh darned much. The praise he gave me for going as far as a did didn’t dampen the feeling failure that I had for not going further and for using my safeword – even though it was quite clear I was to use it.

Dealing with the aftermath of this instance and the few others has given me a new insight into my thoughts that I want to share with you.

Fear of Failure

I get it, I do. You have a safeword that is to only be used as a last resort so if you consider using it you might be failing the person you are playing with. They will be disappointed and perhaps never play with you again. The irrational fear grips us all at one point or another. But this safeword isn’t just a lifeline, it’s an element of trust. You have one because you are trusted to use it when things get so bad that you can’t communicate in any other way.

Your partner definitely doesn’t consider it a failure on your part. They are probably pleased you trusted them that when you said your safeword they stopped and checked in. The level of trust that a safeword implies is huge. I also know a few Dominants who consider having a partner safeword as a badge of pride that they were able to get you right to the edge and perhaps discovered a limit you didn’t know existed. It’s about growth and expanding the limits for these Dominants and using a safeword is definitely not a failure to them.

What’s important to understand is that using isn’t failing. BDSM play isn’t a competition so why would you consider ending it when you need to, to be losing? Setting a goal for play, if you do that sort of thing, shouldn’t be about how many strikes you can take or how far you can go. I’d hope it was more about connection, playfulness, intimacy, lust or some other physical/emotional need fulfilled. How you get there or how much you push yourself is irrelevant if you are enjoying yourself – right?

So when it gets to be too much, for whatever reason, stop the play. If it’s no fun anymore do you really want to be forcing yourself?

Guilt

I admit that I have felt guilty a time or two after using my safeword. After all, I told you above that I’ve only used it a handful of times. How did my guilt manifest? Mostly in hindsight thinking. A common phrase is that “hindsight is 20/20″ and that is where guilt usually comes forth for me. I often feel that I could have gone further, or that kink in my neck wasn’t all that bad. Maybe, just maybe I could have done this or that or something else to make play keep going.

But, in all of these things you have to trust that your decision in the moment was the best one. If you could have lasted or stretched that muscle cramp out don’t you think you would have? You used that safeword because you had to, not because you wanted to. Trust in yourself and your own judgement. Sure, feel guilty, but don’t let it beat you up. We’ve all had some regret in life – keep it from eating you up inside by realizing that you made the right choice at the time.

Disappointment

Often guilt and disappointment go together. Disappointment in play often comes from setting goals that are too high for your current experience. You can’t expect to reach your goals each and every time you play, there are far too many variables that can change your outcome. Things that often get in the way of play are stress, bad moods, distractions (internal and external), physical issues and emotional stress. Sometimes you just aren’t in the right head space.

Once you realize that you don’t have to lower your expectations to avoid disappointment, but rather learn how to handle the disappointment if it comes you may be able to overcome the distractions that are preventing you reaching your goals in the first place.

Failing to Use the Safeword

In all this talk about using your safeword, there might be a time that you fail to use your safeword when you should have. You don’t want to disappoint your partner or have them upset with you so you struggle through whatever activity as long as possible hoping that they will switch or stop soon. It doesn’t make you a better submissive for doing that.

That’s not the way to build trust. Remember I said that a safeword is a trust builder. If you refuse to use it when you clearly should have then how much trust do you think your partner has in you when they find out? Don’t do that to yourself.

Using your safeword doesn’t have to come with all the negative trappings we seem to attach to it. Just like the emergency number 911, you don’t use it unless you have to. So treat it that way. Accept that you are not Superman or the Black Widow and can and do have bad days. Learn from your limits, develop the trust you need to have in your play relationship (or long-term dynamic) and embrace every part of your growth.

Thoughts to Ponder
What is your opinion about safewords? What value do they have in a relationship?
If you have withheld a safeword in the past, why did you do it? What were you trying to gain by doing so?
What other issues arise from using your safeword?
Interesting Links
Safe Words from Sex and Honey
Things You Need to Know: Why Safewords Are Not Safe
Some Thoughts About Safewords
Related Posts:
Safe Words for Safe Play
Developing Trust and The Proper Use of a Safe Word
Universal Safe Words and the Different Relationship Types
Safe Words and Punishment
Ask lunaKM – Humiliation as Punishment – Is it Healthy?

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on February 02, 2015 07:00

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks,

Valentine’s Day is just a couple weeks away and KnyghtMare has come to me asking if I want to do anything special. Valentine’s Day used to be a special day for me in my previous relationship, but with KnyghtMare I don’t find a need to celebrate love and romance. I love that we go out to lunch on Valentine’s Day and that’s enough for me. But there’s always more that could be done.

My most memorable Valentine’s Day was in 2010 when he proposed to me at lunch. We rushed out that day to pick out a ring and I have wonderful memories of that day. From the stumbling way he proposed to my odd “that’s cheesy” response before I finally said yes, picking out a heart shaped ring (a nod to the V-day proposal) and the hot sex that evening. It’s a day that I’ll always remember even if it didn’t come out picture perfect.

What is your most memorable Valentine’s Day?

Join the growing list of fans that get to hang out with me monthly on Google Hangout!
Monthly Video Posts Return! Thank you for the support. Next Goal: Upgrade the Servers

I work hard to write and produce the content and I don’t ask for much in return. This is a small way you can show me that you appreciate my efforts. If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a patron of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $3 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation. Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

Under the Microscope: Analyzing What You Read for the Truth
Creating Realistic Goals You Can Reach in 2015 by pinksubgeek
Submissive Chat Night: Submissive Fears
Book Review: 62Q: Sixty-Two Questions for Your Dominant by Michael Makai by tequilarose

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask lunaKM Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

Ask lunaKM – Figure Out What to Expect From a Relationship Before Entering a Relationship

So, I am very new to this. I met Sir online and he asked me what do I expect from this relationship? My question is how do I figure out exactly what it is that I expect. I know I expect him to teach me everything, to help me learn my limits. Any help with this would be great.

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2014: What to Do When Punishment Starts to Feel Good
In 2013: Living M/s Book Club – Week 4
In 2012: Research Page: Electrical Play
In 2011: Tina-poLD’s Personal Thoughts on Domestic Service
In 2010: The Myth of a Slut by Slut M

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Next Submissive Guide Chat Night

Come make friends and chit-chat. Twice monthly discussions, all are welcome. Chat room is open 24/7 for conversation.

Date: February 3rd, 2015

Time: 8PM Central (Not in CST? Find out the time where you are!)
Topic: Submissive Fears

Join Chat Room Now!

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

Write a letter to yourself for when you are experiencing sub drop and you need a calm voice, your own voice, to help you get through a difficult moment.
What are your favorite domestic chores? Do you have any tips to help others do things simpler?
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!
Featured Podcast of the Week – The Fearless Submissive

TFS- Episode 54

24 Jan 2015, 6:45pm GMT

→ The Fearless Submissive

This week I talk to Graydancer- kink performer, educator, writer and “rope guy extraordinaire” as well as the facilitator for the GrUE which can be found just about anywhere these days. I talk to Graydancer this week about something a little unexpected- long distance relationships!! Graydancer Ropecast Love.Life.Practice

MP3 audio (52MB, 57min)

Podcast RSS

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Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on February 01, 2015 10:00

Book Review: 62Q: Sixty-Two Questions for Your Dominant by Michael Makai

Thanks to lunaKM’s review of Michael Makai’s Domination and Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook, I’d been interested in reading one of his books. I became even more interested when I heard in a BDSM related Facebook group I’m in how many people had enjoyed reading his books. When he released his latest book 62Q and offered a coupon code for half off on Smashwords, I figured that I might as well see what all the fuss is about. After finishing 62Q: Sixty-Two Questions for Your Dominant, I see what all the fuss is about and it’s very well deserved fuss indeed. Plus, I am highly amused that he uses the term “twat waffle”. I can not tell you how amusing I find that. And yes, I’m probably a lot more amused by that than I really should be.

This book is exactly what the title says. Sixty-two questions to ask your dominant. And not just during the getting to know you phase, but throughout the entire relationship. Because honestly, the questions shouldn’t end once the getting to know you phase is over. As I was reading this book, I noticed that maybe the reason I had been involved with dominants who weren’t the best for me was because I didn’t really take the necessary time to get to know them or to ask them the right questions. I have a feeling that a lot of other s-types can probably agree to that. The questions are broken down into three categories: new relationship energy(where you get all those warm fuzzy feelings and common sense sometimes goes out the window), before a collar, and after the collar. With each question, you will find follow-up questions, why this question is important, how to interpret his answer, what you should do about it, and the author’s own two cents which are little quips about the question at hand.

There are such a variety of questions that Makai shares, and honestly the majority of them, I would have never thought to ask. They range from asking what does commitment mean to you to am I what you were expecting when we first met to if we were in a disagreement, how would you handle it. Every single question is designed to be extremely thought-provoking and start a great dialogue between you and your future or current partner. Not only that, but it’s a great way for the s-types to also evaluate what they want and need in a relationship by asking themselves these questions(HINT: great journal material!). This isn’t a book that’s just for those who are new and looking for their first dominant. Any s-type regardless of how long they’ve been active in the lifestyle should give this book a read and seriously consider using these questions when talking with potential partners.

I can’t say enough good things about this book. I feel that I can honestly say that Michael Makai knows what he’s talking about and offers extremely sound advice for readers. I wish something like this had existed when I was still looking because I have a feeling I could have avoided a lot of bad mistakes.

You can buy your copy of 62Q: Sixty-Two Questions for Your Dominant on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Smashwords today.

Tequila R’s Rating: 10/10

Paperback: 198 Pages

Publisher: CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform (November 2, 2014)

Language: English

ISBN-10: 1502775948

ISBN-13: 978-1502775948

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on January 30, 2015 07:00

Submissive Chat Night: Submissive Fears

It’s time again for another chat night here at Submissive Guide. I’d welcome everyone to come on in Tuesday for a bit of conversation. Anything and everything can be discussed. Please come with questions or a curiosity about Dominant/submissive relationships.

Info

When: 02/03/15 @ 8 PM CST – 9:30 PM CST (Not in CST? Find out the time where you are!)

Where: Chat room on the website, or use an IRC Client

Topic: Your Submissive Fears

What are you afraid of when it comes to D/s or BDSM?
more…

HOW TO GET TO THE CHAT ROOM

The chat room is attached to this site under the link at the top, or you can click this link here. It will ask for your nickname and then automatically connect you to the chat room. It is open all the time, so if you want to meet some people, hang out in there. I try to be there when I’m at my computer too.

If you use an IRC desktop client you can connect to the server directly. Here is the information you need to find the room:

Server: irc.kink-network.com

Port: 6667

Channel: #submissive-guide

Questions? Let me know. Otherwise I hope to see a lot of you there on Tuesday!

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on January 29, 2015 07:00

Ask lunaKM – Figure Out What to Expect From a Relationship Before Entering a Relationship

So, I am very new to this. I met Sir online and he asked me what do I expect from this relationship? My question is how do I figure out exactly what it is that I expect. I know I expect him to teach me everything, to help me learn my limits. Any help with this would be great.

You are in a very common situation that novice submissives tend to find themselves in. You’ve jumped into a relationship because you think that is what you need, when in fact what you need first is to know what you need and expect in a relationship. A lot of your current issue could have been avoided if you had sat down first and figured out what your idea Dominant would be and what sort of relationship you are looking for.

Granted, that’s all hindsight now, but the work can still be done. You can still figure out what sort of submissive you are and what things you might enjoy so that you can answer this man’s questions. So, get a notebook out because you are going to have to do some homework. Here are a few things you should try to answer so that you can help this Dominant know what’s expected of him and yourself during this relationship.

1. Think about what submissive means to you. How would you define that to someone else? What does it look like from someone in the know looking in? Do the same for Dominant. What does that mean to you and how would you define that to someone else?

2. What type of relationship are you seeking? Do you want online only or face to face? Do you know if you want to submit full-time or for specified periods of time like after the kids are in bed or on the weekends? Do you want a monogamous, open or poly relationship? Do you want romance or service only?

3. What hits your pleasure centers when you think about submission? Are you into kinky play too? Have you filled out your BDSM checklist yet? It’s a very good starting point for novices that are into the kinky play aspects of BDSM as well as submission.

4. What are your limits? Don’t just think about the play aspects, but your entire life. Are you willing to surrender control over your clothing choices, bathroom privileges, finances, parenting decisions, whether you work and where, etc? Be really specific here because it all will pertain to what you expect from a Dominant.

5. How do you learn best? Are you a hands on learner? Do you prefer research and writing? What about practice makes perfect or stubborn perfectionism? Figure out how this Dominant is expected to teach you what you want to learn.

I hope this helps you some in figuring out who you are as a submissive. All my best and good luck.

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on January 28, 2015 08:00

Creating Realistic Goals You Can Reach in 2015

Last year I wrote about the importance of revising your contracts at the start of the New Year so you can make sure that it reflects your current relationship parameters and hard/soft limits. I’m still a single submissive, and (for the time being) I’m enjoying this journey of self-discovery and self-improvement. One thing that single submissives must always remember is that the time that we spend by ourselves is just as important as the time spent with Dominants and Masters. They will appreciate that we are constantly seeking to improve ourselves, even without guidance; having goals will help to keep you on track.

The most important thing about goals is that you have to balance desires (“I want to lose weight”) with reality (“I only have time to go to the gym X times per week even though I should be going Y times per week”). Does this mean you have to hedge your bets, so to speak? Not at all. In fact, I enjoy pushing myself with my goals. However, I like to set my goals up in such a way that I’m excited to start working on them. I started working on my goals in December 2014, and by the time January came around, I was ready to go. If you have a goal that will require some unpleasant work (quitting a vice, for example) then you need to psych yourself up well in advance so that you don’t get bogged down. You have to want it to work, or else it won’t work at all.

This year I’ve done myself very proud by creating my best goals yet. They’re so organized that I have them listed under three sub-categories (no pun intended…): Personal, Professional, and Fitness. I’ll share a few of my goals with you now and then keep you informed of my progress throughout the year.

Personal: As always, I struggle with free time. I rarely have down time. I need to figure this out. I’ll start small, with setting aside 30 minutes each day for writing, reading, or doing something I enjoy. I’m moving my personal blog to a hosted site (Yay!) and I want to grow my followers, schedule interviews with a variety of people and attend events that will provide material to write about. And above all, I need to take time to appreciate everything around me. Smell the roses.

Professional: I really want do more writing for my business website. I’m establishing a blogging schedule, and will create posts done well-enough in advance to ensure that I have a little cushion when things get busy. In addition to blogging, I need to finish writing a book I’ve been working on about the work I do, submit it to my agent, and (hopefully) get published by a major publisher. If these things happen, I’ll need to develop ancillary goals to support those efforts.

Fitness: I had fun with this one. I love running but as I’ve been growing my business and dealing with life, running is the first thing that falls by the wayside. I used to be a big treadmill runner, but I’m trying to transition to outdoor running so I created goals to keep me motivated to run outside. January and part of February will be spent training and getting back to my 30-min 5k shape. Then each month, starting mid-February, I identified 5k events to register for, with three (yes, three…this might be a stretch) half-marathons planned in May, August and November. The closest thing to subspace for me is the feeling I get when I run, so I’m aiming to recapture that natural high with these goals. Since each race has a fee, paying for the events is a great way to ensure that I actually go through with it. Not only that, but running in two Rock and Roll Marathon events will earn me a special medal…and you know how we submissives love our rewards….

Many of these general goals have benchmarks built-in so I can chart my progress as I go. Creating benchmarks is the key to success. The loftier the goal, the more important it is to have it broken down into manageable pieces. That way, you’ll see progress and have the satisfaction of being able to cross something off your list. For example, to produce a book that can be sent to my agent, I need to first craft and perfect the first four chapters. That means having a daily writing goal, a timeline for revision, and a deadline for submission. Waiting until the book is written means seeing a looming target and not feeling any sense of accomplishment.

When it comes to crafting your own goals, think about long-term (year-long) and short-term (monthly) goals. If you want to lose weight, then identify your total weight loss goal as your end of year goal. “By the end of the year I want to weigh X pounds, which means I need to lose Y pounds.” There, you have a long-term goal. The next step is to set up incremental monthly goals, which will help you track your progress. “In order to lose Y pounds by the end of the year, I need to lose Z pounds per month.” Believe me, this helps a lot. Instead of going cold turkey with a goal (i.e. “I want to stop eating chocolate daily”), try reducing your intake incrementally until you reach the end result: “I will only eat chocolate three times per week, and only if I work out on those days.”

It’s also important to note that you might need additional goals, or you might need to revise your goals, throughout the year. Your goals are not set in stone. In my case, if I get sick I won’t be able to run until I’ve recovered. This might impact training for a race, which means I will need to make a change. If I meet a goal ahead of schedule, I might add to it and push myself to do more. If I’m falling behind, a new schedule might need to be created. The most important thing is that you don’t want to set yourself up to fail. If that means tweaking a goal so that you’ll eventually be able to meet it, then so be it. Better to tweak it and get it done than not do it at all.

Setting goals is a great way to improve your lifestyle, whether you’re a single submissive or in a relationship. Either way, you’ll be proud of your accomplishments and you’ll have a fantastic 2015!

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on January 27, 2015 07:00

Under the Microscope: Analyzing What You Read for the Truth

from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 10/18/14

Do you trust everything you read? You shouldn’t. I suggest you not listen to everything I have to say. Why? Because some if it might not be right or true for you and if that’s the case then what you read isn’t for you. It could even be based on fiction instead of reality. I’ve recently read a few books that are supposedly guides for learning what BDSM and submission are, but they don’t read that way. They read as directions for the ONLY way to have a BDSM or D/s relationship.

If there’s one thing I try to convey through my writing is that there is no one way to live in a D/s relationship or just one way to take part in BDSM. So, books and articles like this frustrate me. Today I’d like to talk about how you can understand more of what you read and apply only what will work for your situation while discarding the rest – without being overly critical from one person’s point of view.

It’s important to do more than just read what someone has said on a topic that interests you. Practice active reading and comprehension. A lot of what we do when we read something is automatic, so let’s do it a bit slower for a time, so that you can see what you really need to see when you are reading something about BDSM or D/s dynamics.

Before You Start Reading

Think about what you want to know. Why are you reading it? Is it for education, understanding or pleasure? What do you want to know after you’ve read it?

Ask yourself whether the resource meets your needs, and try to work out if it will give you the right amount of knowledge. For websites, take a look at design and layout. Does the site convey educational knowledge or something else? Read the about page. If you think that the resource isn’t ideal, don’t waste time reading it.

Remember that this also applies to content that you subscribe to, such as journals or magazines, and web-based RSS and social media news feeds – don’t be afraid to prune these resources if you are not getting value from some publishers. That includes Submissive Guide. If you feel it isn’t helpful to you any more than there is no reason to keep following me.

Read Actively

When you’re reading a document or book in detail, it helps if you practice ‘active reading’ by highlighting and underlining key information, and taking notes as you progress. (Mind Maps are great for this). This emphasizes information in your mind, and helps you to review important points later. If you spent any time in college you probably understand what highlighting does for reviewing key points.

Doing this also helps you keep your mind focused on the material, and stops you thinking about other things.

Active Reading – How to Read with a Purpose

Apply What You Read

Every time you read something you have the choice to apply what you read or to discard it. When you choose to apply it, you can also adjust your thinking to make it work for you and your situation. For example, when you watch the news, do you apply more weight and value to things that happen locally or impact you more directly than those things that are too far away or not related to you at all? Your mind applies the same filters to anything you read.

So when you read something about submission or BDSM here are a couple of things to keep in mind:

Assumptions – Someone who uses assumptions (should always be naked vs sometimes are naked) probably is writing based on their own personal opinion and will not write for the masses. Reading what they write and then not using the filters and active reading methods could lead you down a path that doesn’t work for you or your situation.

Their Way is the Only Way – This is similar to using assumptions but most often these writings are written like guidebooks or manuals for BDSM or D/s that share one way of participating. They leave no room for other interpretations and in fact often consider other interpretations to be the wrong way and not just another way to experience the lifestyle.

Close the Book

In rare occasions the text you are reading is just not worth continuing and it is in your best interest and sanity to stop reading it. I know when I’ve found something like it when I am constantly shaking my head in disagreement or disbelief. I’m also very frustrated by obvious grammar and spelling errors even though I’m not perfect at it myself – especially in published works.

Also, if you feel that what the person is saying doesn’t align with your beliefs or thinking at all, you might want to just stop reading it. While it’s nice to read opposing views, don’t force yourself if you are offended or uncomfortable with it. Just move on.

Reading about BDSM and submission when you are new is exciting and as long as you keep in mind these suggestions and tips for reading actively and engage in filtering. And if you do find a really good essay, book or other media, make sure you try to share it!

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on January 26, 2015 07:00

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks,

The release of the “50 Shades of Gray” movie has a lot of people talking. Here’s the trailer if you are curious. Are you planning to see it? What do you think the impression will be about the BDSM community?

Join the growing list of fans that get to hang out with me monthly on Google Hangout!
Monthly Video Posts Return! Thank you for the support. Next Goal: Upgrade the ServersI work hard to write and produce the content and I don’t ask for much in return. This is a small way you can show me that you appreciate my efforts. If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a patron of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $3 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation. Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

BDSM Basics – How Do I Find Someone to Play With?
How I Prepare for Master’s Visit by andyiccee
No Stupid (Sex Toy) Questions: Episode 2 – Butt Stretching by Rayne

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask lunaKM Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

Ask lunaKM – Presenting Gifts, Your BDSM Role Test, and First Meeting Safety

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2014: Road Trip: Taking your D/s Relationship to Fantastic Las Vegas! by pinksubgeek
In 2013: Research Page: 24/7 Slavery
In 2012: Keeping It Fresh – How to Spice Up Your Kinky Life
In 2011: Cooking for Master by nan{SL}
In 2010: Review: How to Be Kinky

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Next Submissive Guide Chat Night

Come make friends and chit-chat. Twice monthly discussions, all are welcome. Chat room is open 24/7 for conversation.

Date: Februrary 3rd, 2015

Time: 8PM Central (Not in CST? Find out the time where you are!)
Topic: Submissive Fears

Join Chat Room Now!

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

Happiness is found when you stop comparing yourself to other people.
What is your best attribute? Is there an attribute that you’d like to improve?
“It is our choices…that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” -J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!
Featured Podcast of the Week – Passion and Soul Podcast

PS058 – Authenticity, Community and More Shibari You Can Use

20 Jan 2015, 2:35am GMT

→ The Passion And Soul Podcast by Lee Harrington

With the upcoming launch of his new book, More Shibari You Can Use, Lee Harrington reflects on publishing processes, but more importantly, why he was drawn to rope. From rope community to what communities give us in general, he looks at the notion of emotional complex ecosystems and how we each deserve to be fully integrated beings. He leaks a discount code (see the show notes), and helps us all look at who we are as authentic sexual and kinky beings. *** Passion And Soul Podcast:iTunes Subscription: https://itunes.apple.com/us/pod cast/passion-soul-podcast-by-lee/id840372122RSS Feed: http://passionandsoul.libsyn.com/rssPas t MP3 files: http://passi…

MP3 audio (32MB, 35min)

Podcast RSS

iTunes subscribe

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on January 25, 2015 10:00