Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 59

Love in the Lifestyle

Colorful Love Letter Card5, Image courtesy of gubgib at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The topic of love in regards to Lifestyle relationships is usually a pretty hot topic. Everyone has an opinion, thought, rule, or feeling about it. After hearing so much about love, the newcomer may end up a bit confused. After all, in the vanilla world, especially in Western culture, love is a really big deal. In regards to the Lifestyle suddenly love is either displaced or becomes a sort of unfounded impetus. Usually it’s displaced because a person has been taught that love has no place inside of any type of hierarchical relationship. Conversely, there are many subs/slaves that come with the expectation of having a highly romantic relationship; this tends to be what makes love the impetus of serving or being owned. These are both extremes and really don’t do justice to our relationships or love.

The English language falls short in helping us understand love and how it manifests, so most of us tend to go by what we think love looks like, which is really what we’ve been taught by movies, television, childhood fantasies, and/or some level of dysfunction. Love ends up being this vague idea – yet so many are looking to experience it. Learning about love and the four primary areas of how love is expressed was like winning the lottery! Finally, there was clarity – much needed clarity! Sharing that clarity is the aim of this post so anyone can see that love has a place in the Lifestyle community as well as in our relationships and it doesn’t have to be shunned.

The Greek language gives us four words to describe the four primary areas of love:

Agape: unconditional love; love that cannot be earned or lost
Philia: love/affection between friends denoted by the virtue of loyalty
Storge: familial love
Eros: intimate love; sexual passion

As we become active in the community, and if we’re consistent, eventually we begin to create connections. From those connections we form friendships and familial bonds. Developing genuine friendships within the community is priceless and most definitely a worthwhile investment. In regards to philia, these friendships form our social circles and immediate community. These are the people that we see regularly, break bread with, enjoy the company of, and support through difficulties. These are the people we grow and learn with. Through an investment of time, energy, and being consistent, affection is cultivated between peers; from here the rest of our Lifestyle relationships are developed.

On FetLife, someone may have a relationship status of “in a family with”. This status denotes a familial tie – storge. Lifestyle families offer a level of rootedness and covering. This is probably important for many of us because often times our biological families either aren’t aware or accepting of our lifestyle/personal choices. Over the years, I’ve heard more stories of loveless/dysfunctional childhoods and family experiences than stories of joyous love-filled childhoods. Lifestyle families are chosen and for some, they are replacement families. The community is filled with people who’ve become daddies, mommies, aunts, uncles, brothers and sisters. This isn’t to say that everyone in a family is lacking familial love from their biological family; some of the people who form or are a part of families do so because there was such an abundance of affection experienced from their biological family, they don’t know any other way to be.

Hierarchy and love is the area that many people are most concerned about. The love and affection of philia and storge is accepted more easily and are welcomed without fuss. However, when it comes down to hierarchical relationship, things are different. After coming to the community, I would hear people on both sides of the slash speaking on how love wasn’t a part of their hierarchical relationships; there would be a separate, usually vanilla, relationship that addressed love/sexual needs. After looking at philia, storge, and eros what occurred to me was that the first two develop over time and are formed with boundaries which isn’t usually how people approach eros; also they are much easier to understand and apply practically. Yet when it comes to romantic love (and romance), many lose their everlasting minds and many tend to buy into the myths of we can’t choose who we love or ‘fall in love’ with; that love has to be Khalo/Rivera-esque – tumultuous with unbridled uncontrollable passion; that love makes a person weak (particularly the Master) and so on.

There was a Master who said of his slave, she had asked him if he still loved her because they hadn’t played in a while – and it was a serious concern for her. At the time, I was new to the Lifestyle, and it would be many years before I could understand (or empathize with) her question or recognize how love functioned or looked within their M/s dynamic. For his slave, S&M was an expression of not only his sexual desire for her, but for his declared love for her; it was one way of being romantic with his property – romance M/s style! To be honest, if my Master were to shower me with gifts of trinkets, cards, and flowers, it wouldn’t trip my romance trigger much if any at all. However, being given tasks, orders, a lecture, a slap to the face, molding and guiding me – well, all of that makes me melt and maybe even swoon. Romance, for me like many other slaves, is M/s focused, for lack of a better way of putting it, and there’s nothing more intimate (for me) than nurturing the M/s dynamic. As a slave, I don’t serve because of love or being in love; I serve because at my core I’m a slave and this informs how I look at and express love. While love can be expressed through my service and obedience, it’s not the cause of either.

In both M/s and Leather communities and relationships there’s plenty of love – just not the standard appearance of what society normally views as love. Expressions of the love we feel often look quite practical, and not over the top melodramatic. The formation of families, communities, and relationships focuses more on addressing needs and compatibility rather than fantasy or attempting to create a specific emotional experience. Over the years, I’ve witnessed and experienced local communities pulling together to support a fallen sister or brother; Leather or M/s families caring for an infirmed member; the gifting of leather; affirmation of peers; and Masters and slaves sharing a level of intimacy many only hope to experience – all of which is based on love that has matured with time and consistency. Love isn’t a hole that we don’t see and just happen to fall into; nor is it an impulsive whim to be indulged in haphazardly. By choosing our Lifestyle friends, family, Master and so on we are actually choosing who we’ll love and how love will be expressed – and we do so with care. So you see the Lifestyle isn’t devoid of love, quite the contrary. There’s love in great abundance in our lifestyle.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on March 24, 2015 07:00

Feeling Less Submissive – Submissive Mediation Monday

byron-katie-believing-suffering-happiness

Every Monday in March I’m going to try something new and I’d love your opinion in the comments below. If you like the idea I might continue them on a regular (although not every Monday) schedule. I’m devoting Monday’s to meditation, reflection and devotion to submission. I hope to select topics that will get you thinking differently about some part of your life or submission and then just maybe grow a little bit further.

Some days I just don’t feel connected to my submission, that something is lacking and I’m less than I was the day before. I don’t doubt that you too have had moments like this. They can be vexing and difficult to get through but trust me, they are a part of the normal ebb and flow of your personality.

How that loss of submission feels to you is unique and even though you feel it as a negative you can learn and grow yourself within it. Reflect on how it feels, allow your mind and heart to explore the sense of loss, the disconnect from who you are. Breathe in and out while you gather your remaining strength during this receding sense of self.

Now, let it go. Worry will only drive you further from reclaiming your submissive focus. You can not control everything and this is something that clearly will come and go. You are human, you will falter and you will pick yourself up and move on.

Only once you embrace every moment of your submission, even the low times where submission seems fleeting can you grow and expand your mind. Let go of the comparisons with other submissives, the self-doubt of your value, the mistakes you make. These issues will only cloud your vision.

You can not compare yourself with others, for your submission is unique to you and powerful in fueling your desires. It does not make you any better or worse than the submissive next door. Difference is beautiful and should be celebrated. Celebrate your uniqueness.

Self doubt is a vile beast. When it gets you down, turn to the positive things in your life and thrive in those for a time. Look for the good in things and let the negative fade away.

You will make mistakes. What you do about them will show you how to grow. Do you let the mistake wear you down? NO! You learn from it, you find a way to correct your slip and you move on. The best submissives can learn from their mistakes without letting the act of the mistake eat them and wear them down. Learn to be your best. Accept change, accept trial and error and turn to your submission to show you the way to success.

Believe in yourself and when you feel less submissive you will be able to turn it around and take care of yourself. Because sometimes feeling less of something is a sign you need to take better care of yourself. Reap the rewards an hour of self care can provide. Read about submission, write about submission, meditate on your particular form of submission. Let your experiences or your desires refill your soul and re-fire your beliefs. Believe in your submission for it is beautiful.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on March 23, 2015 07:00

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks,

KnyghtMare’s second girlfriend was up here this weekend so I had 2 whole days for myself. Sometimes I love all the time alone, and sometimes not. This time was not so great at night. I slept horribly. I can’t blame the being alone exactly since our bed needs to be replaced very soon so it’s quite uncomfortable. And then I got hot, then cold, then hot again and finally I have a kink in my neck that woke me up at 4am. Oh boy. Hopefully I can recover some of my energy today or maybe have a nap to take care of it.

Join the growing list of fans that get to hang out with me monthly on Google Hangout!
Monthly Video Posts Return! Thank you for the support.Next Goal: Upgrade the Servers (Just $8 more dollars/mo. pledged and I’ll reach this goal!)

I work hard to write and produce the content and I don’t ask for much in return. This is a small way you can show me that you appreciate my efforts. If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a patron of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $3 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation. Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

The Value of Submission – Submissive Meditation Monday
Fifty Shades of Grey, Consent and the Media’s Representation of Kink by pinksubgeek
Enter to Win a 3 Month Luxe Panties Subscription from [Enclosed]!
How to Be Responsive During Play Without Being Demanding

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask lunaKM Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

Ask lunaKM – He wants to add his once secret lover to our relationship?

I have a very important question that I need your opinion on. I have been to your webpage many times and appreciate your writing and knowledge. I recently found out that my husband of many years had been having abdsm relationship outside of our marriage, secretly. We had been talking about bdsm ourselves and I had expressed much interest in being his sub/slave. That never really went anywhere much. Now, he wants to involve me with his sub, as a triad. What are your thoughts?

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2014: A Person is Not Their Kink: Jumping Into Bed With the Wrong Person
In 2013: What are Red Flags?
In 2012: Domestic Duties | How I Make The Bed
In 2011: “Being Love” versus “Being In Love” by Twist
In 2010: Honest Communication or Bust by Rayne

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

What words do you associate immediately with the following words?

- fear

- doubt

- kneel

- submit

- deprivation

- responsible

- brainwash

- collar

- tears

- complete

- accountability

- isolation

- authority
If I could be Dominant for one day I would …
“The eye of the master will do more work than both his hands.” – Benjamin Franklin
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!

Featured Podcast of the Week – Passion and Soul Podcast

PS063 – Conscious Monogamy and Polyamory

16 Mar 2015, 10:24pm GMT

→ The Passion And Soul Podcast by Lee Harrington

The relationships we choose are each unique, but how do we navigate what we are looking for? Exploring social, sexual and emotional monogamy, join Lee as he taps into how we each communicate our needs. We work from the exponential mathematics of multiple relationships to the definitions of what sex is, different lenses on intimacy to fixing the toasters of our connections. Let?s explore the choices each of us make not only to have fairness in relationships of choice, but how to have everyone win and get their needs met. *** Passion And Soul Podcast: iTunes Subscription: odcast-by-lee/id840372122 RSS Feed: http://passionandsoul.li…

MP3 audio (33MB, 36min)

Podcast RSS

iTunes subscribe

How to Be Responsive During Play Without Being Demanding

“Oh yeah, that feels good, right here. Spank me there! Harder! No, not like that. Make it sting! Oh oh ouchie, back off a bit man!”

For some of you, that stream of words is cringe-worthy. Who’s driving the scene if the bottom is assaulting the Top with all the direction? A submissive driving the scene, topping from the bottom, controlling the action and being demanding is often a negative thing. Yes there are bottoms who drive the scene and it’s negotiated and approved by those who play with them. But in the larger realm of BDSM a submissive receives what the Dominant gives out. So how can a bottom help guide the Top during a scene without stopping the action or being demanding that they change what they are doing constantly to please them? Carefully. But it can be done.

You walk a tight rope of topping from the bottom and being a good receptive bottom when you learn how to be responsive during play. So, if you are still newly exploring play or trying a new activity I’d suggest you enjoy the scene as it is before you actively work at being responsive during play.

What is responsive?

It’s more than just moans and groans although it’s part of it. It’s actively expressing with your body how much you are enjoying what’s going on or helping guide your Top to move fluidly through the play. It’s possible you know, and make it all their decision based on your body movements.

Is that bottom-topping? Only you can decide.

What I do know is that the majority of Dominants prefer a responsive bottom than one that is silent and unmoving. (Yes there are those who prefer silent suffering, but that’s not what this article is about.) When you relax and enjoy the activity your body will naturally respond in ways that will process the pain, the sensation and the heightened sensuality of the play you are engaging in. Often, you will have a block that keeps you from reacting, for fear that it looks silly, that you’ll be embarrassed or that your Dominant won’t like how you respond. So the first thing I suggest you do it get over how you feel about the way your body naturally responds to play.

Allowing yourself to relax is not as easy as it sounds, especially if you are still getting to know your partner and/or exploring new play activities. But if you’ve been with your partner for awhile and you still aren’t able to relax then perhaps you need to do some deep soul searching as to why you have a hang up and a desire to hinder not only his enjoyment but your own.

Vocalizations

Some of the easiest ways to be responsive and express your enjoyment or distress is through vocalizations. While making noise during sex and play isn’t for everyone, learning a few vocalizations could help push your play further.

Things like moans, groans, hisses and sighs help tell your partner how you are processing the actions and enjoying it. Positive responses are just as important as negative ones. If you are into dirty talk or being loud, allow yourself to relax into it.

How to Sound Sexy in Bed

Negative sounds like whimpers, yelps and cursing can tell your partner it’s time to shift the activity or back off.

And if you don’t make any noise at all, they may check in more frequently to see where you are.

Movements

How you gyrate or wiggle in play or sex has a lot of things to tell your partner too, from how well you are enjoying it, whether you want more or if they should reduce things a bit and check in. Non-verbal communication is often the first thing people read on a person before any sounds can be heard and it’s the same with play and sex. I’m sure you’ve heard somewhere that no one wants a limp partner. They want one with spunk and can express how much pleasure they are getting.

In all these things, there is a natural response as well as a conscious one. You can use your vocalizations and movements to drive play just as much as your natural ones do. And that’s where the line of topping from the bottom or not come in. If you moan and arch into the spanking consciously, and your partner complies with more vigorous spanking does that mean you’ve just topped them without saying a word? Or is it that since mutual pleasure is a goal that you are simply communicating your enjoyment? Only you can decide this in your relationship.

After all my suggestions, the first thing you should do is talk with your partner about how you play and if your current vocalizations or lack thereof is something to concern yourself with. How you naturally respond is likely enough for them to gauge where you are and what you need from play. If not, then at least this opens up a conversation line that you can have to learn how to be more responsive to get more from play for yourself and your partner.

What do you think? Let me know in the comments!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on March 20, 2015 07:00

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Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on March 19, 2015 07:00

Ask lunaKM – He wants to add his once secret lover to our relationship?

I have a very important question that I need your opinion on. I have been to your webpage many times and appreciate your writing and knowledge. I recently found out that my husband of many years had been having a bdsm relationship outside of our marriage, secretly. We had been talking about bdsm ourselves and I had expressed much interest in being his sub/slave. That never really went anywhere much. Now, he wants to involve me with his sub, as a triad. What are your thoughts?

Hi there,

I think, to put it bluntly, that he’s been caught and wants to do whatever he can to keep both of you and make you agree to add her to the relationship if you get the BDSM you’ve wanted. He’s done a really bad thing in my opinion by having an affair to begin with but then to try and make you accept it by offering you the BDSM you want in exchange for having his girlfriend involved. Now I know you said you’ve been in this marriage for a long time, but so much of me says to not forgive this behavior and definitely not accept it. You both probably need to go to counseling at least because I’m sure you have feelings that need to be worked out due to the cheating.

10 Steps to Healing a Relationship After Cheating
Building Trust After Cheating
How Can You Rebuild Trust After Your Partner Cheats

Now, if you forgive him and you are really ready to try BDSM, I still suggest not diving into a poly relationship with his affair in your first endeavor. BDSM requires trust in your partner, can you honestly say you have that with your husband right now?

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on March 18, 2015 07:00

Fifty Shades of Grey, Consent and the Media’s Representation of Kink

We all knew that the Fifty Shades of Grey movie would bring about a conversation regarding BDSM, non-vanilla relationships, and the nature of consent between adult sexual partners. I read an article discussing the “impact” of the film, and it got me thinking.

In the interests of full disclosure, I will tell you that I have read the books. I read them before I learned about my submissive side. Anastasia Steele’s character bothered me back then, and it bothers me now. I don’t have as much of a problem with Christian Grey, but that’s because I have a very different perspective on him than most people. That’s just me. I thought the books were great escapism fiction, but they weren’t written well. They’re fluff, pure and simple, and unfortunately they’re the litmus test that the mainstream media will now use to judge what those of us in the community consider to be a huge part of who we are.

The Nature of Consent in BDSM

The article makes a solid point about consent. In fact, this is one of the things I love most about D/s: Everything is discussed in advance. I know exactly what to expect, and the rules are as clear as day. Break the rules, and suffer the consequences. If only the Vanilla World had these kinds of discussions.

What Christian Grey is into is what he’s into, and according to the book he had 15 women who enjoyed his brand of kink. They were consenting adults who came back for more. His contract with those women allowed them to leave at any point they chose, and it also stated that they could leave if he ever violated the rules himself. Consent is everything.

Imagine having an exclusivity clause in a Vanilla relationship. You sign a contract in the beginning of the relationship that sets the consequences for a dalliance with another person. That’s right—a contract that covers cheating. That’s unheard of in the Vanilla World (with the exception of prenuptial agreements that cover it), and it would create many interesting challenges if it was a widespread phenomenon. The BDSM world thinks about these things, in detail and in advance, so that issues are avoided in the first place.

Your Kink Isn’t My Kink

All kink is not equal. Kinky people pick and choose what they are into. Very few people do everything. (I’d wager, in fact, that you could say that no one does everything) The same can be said of Vanilla relationships. Oral sex is a very vanilla thing, right? Well, as a heterosexual woman, I love giving oral sex to my partner, but that is a hard limit for me in reverse. I can’t stand it being done to me. I’d rather be worked over with a riding crop. So the media is going to have to stop pigeon-holing everyone in the kink community. We don’t all love everything, and there are gradations in levels of kink. For some it’s hair-pulling and a few swats on the ass. For others, it’s being tied up and subjected to a single tail whip. Just because Christian Grey has a drawer full of nipple clamps doesn’t mean we all have them. (I don’t…yet)

This is Why You Don’t Dive In Head-First Without Doing Your Homework

I’m always baffled by submissives who jump into D/s relationships without doing any kind of homework. Christian Grey told Anastasia Steele to do her homework, and she did. She was still interested in him. You have to do your homework! That’s like going home with someone you just met at a bar. Not ok, in my book. Not knowing what you’re diving into is a recipe for disaster in any area of your life, but especially in BDSM. With a D/s relationship, there is a power play involved. A submissive gives up control to the Dominant. If the submissive doesn’t do her research, or finds that the Dominant is absolutely clueless, she can be in a world of trouble.

A Dominant who knows what he’s doing is a wonderful thing. Under that guidance, the submissive can blossom. But if a submissive finds herself with an inexperienced Dominant—or worse yet, an imposter Dominant—the submissive could be subjected to physical and emotional abuse that will leave her damaged for life. If you’re looking to enter a D/s relationship, or dip your toes into the pool before diving in, do your homework. Talk to people in the community. Ask for references if you meet a Dominant that you want to play with. Just because someone claims to be a Dominant doesn’t mean it’s true.

Conduct Your Own Research

Most of this information is old hat for seasoned kinksters, but with so many newbies flocking to the lifestyle, I wanted to throw in my two cents. Fifty Shades of Grey is a great escapist movie, and it does give you a glimpse into some aspects of the kinky lifestyle–but only some aspects. There’s a whole world of kink out there. If you’re curious, great! Go out and see what grabs your interest. Just make sure you do it on your own terms, and don’t let the media tell you what to think or how to feel about it.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on March 17, 2015 07:00

The Value of Submission – Submissive Meditation Monday

Every Monday in March I’m going to try something new and I’d love your opinion in the comments below. If you like the idea I might continue them on a regular (although not every Monday) schedule. I’m devoting Monday’s to meditation, reflection and devotion to submission. I hope to select topics that will get you thinking differently about some part of your life or submission and then just maybe grow a little bit further.

You may have heard a time or two that submission is a gift and that a Dominant has to earn that gift. Even if you don’t ascribe to that ideal, submitting to someone has value to yourself and the one you choose to serve. When you choose to submit, it comes with responsibility to yourself and your well-being. If you’ve chosen well then the Dominant will pick up some of that care and responsibility for you – but not all of it. You should always have some personal responsibility set aside so that if things turn bad you can turn back and recapture what you need to make your life right.

So, how you value your submission is an important measure. Make is strong. Make it beautiful. Make it unique. Let is shine and grow so that those around you know how special you are.

You are special.

It takes a strong person to be vulnerable and submissive to another person. Don’t let anyone convince you that you are weak. A submissive can not be weak – we’ve chosen a hard path. Let your submissive manner build you up, give you strength and joy in who you are.

Because you KNOW who you are.

You are SUBMISSIVE.

Searching for a Dominant that will treat you right is a life long journey. It’s about taking wrong turns and backtracking. It may be going in circles or standing at crossroads for a long time. But keep moving. Keep looking for the right road and the right person to offer yourself to. As you go along, allow yourself to make mistakes on your choices, they better your future decisions. And if a Dominant changes so that he no longer cares for you as you know you should be, then leave him at the dead end road. Move on.

Submission isn’t about submitting to anyone. It’s about making your submission so valuable that it’s only worthy to those that will understand that value and won’t muddy the gem with disrespect, uncaring words or deeds. You deserve the best. Because you are the best.

You are valuable. Take time to feel your value today. Let it fill you and bring warmth to your skin and a light in your eyes. Lift your steps and know that as a submissive, you are worth the time, the challenge and the effort.

You are worth it. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on March 16, 2015 07:00

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks,

Went to a munch last night and while there I thought about a few things that munch groups need to consider to make a group event work well. There were 30 people there and we did have a loft area of a restaurant, but it was a sports bar during a basketball game and it was loud! No one could really talk without yelling and for a group of people who may not know one another or haven’t seen each other in a month or more, that’s such a negative for me. Then the leaders insisted on trying to do introductions – in that loud environment and kept yelling at people to speak louder. I’m sorry I’m not shouting that I’m slave at the top of my lungs in a sports bar environment. Ugh! And the third thing is that the table was one long table. I felt bad for the people trapped against the wall and had to make at least 10 people get up in order to go the to bathroom. Poorly set up by the restaurant and the group, I’m afraid.

So my tips if you host a munch, find a quieter environment, allow mingling by spreading the tables apart a bit and if it’s too loud to do introductions you can do something else (I mean there were tons of name games for school and camp, pick one!) like asking people to introduce themselves to 3 people they don’t know before they leave. This encourages the mingling and makes others feel welcome, in my opinion. Yeah. That’s my thoughts. Anyone else feel munches need a revamp? What would you like to see come out of your munches?

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Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

We all Stumble – Submissive Meditation Monday
Mentorship Misunderstandings by andyiccee
How to Tell If You Are With a Dominant or Just a Bossy Dick

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The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

Ask lunaKM – Getting the Headspace Back After a Break

I was in a happy D/s relationship with my husband for some time, but because of family problems the D/s part was missing a bit recently. Now that all problems are gone I find it extremely difficult to get back in that headspace I had before. Is there something, that could help me?

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Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2014: You Don’t Have to Be a Porn Star or Fashion Model to Participate in BDSM
In 2013: Ask lunaKM – Being a large submissive
In 2012: How to Use the “30 Days” Memes Effectively to Maximize Submissive Growth
In 2011: Service Tip: Making The Most Of A Frugal Food Budget by Sephani Paige
In 2010: What I Think about Underage Experimentation and Submission

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Featured Podcast of the Week – Practically Kinky

Ep 41 – Board Games For Kinksters

9 Mar 2015, 10:19pm GMT

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Sometimes you just want to cozy up with your kinky friends and loved ones and spend a wholesome hour or two playing a board game. This is especially true when it’s cold and wintry outside. In this episode (after I get zapped a few times) we talk about some of our favorite board games and why we love them.

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How to Tell If You Are With a Dominant or Just a Bossy Dick

from the newsletter 12/6/14

Do you know how to describe the qualities of a Dominant? What about a jerk? I bet you can describe a jerk a lot faster than a Dominant. Am I right? Have you ever encountered a jerk that identifies as a Dominant but is anything but? It’s common, unfortunately. There are people who like to be in control and then there are other who are controlling. It’s often because of our need to submit that we’ll bend a knee to anyone who says they are Dominant and then learn who they are from there.

You may have found the man (or woman) of your dreams but somewhere in the development of the relationship things feel off. You’re needs aren’t being met or even respected. You feel used and abused. You aren’t happy and perhaps even questioning if you are submissive at all. And if you raise these concerns you are either told you are too pushy or that the problem is with you. In many of these cases it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with your partner.

Yes there are a lot of really good, respectable Dominant men out there that want to live with a submissive partner. There are probably equal amounts of people who are just domineering assholes who use the Dominant role to lure in the more pliable persons; the submissives. I’ve spent some time trying to muster up a list of identifying features of Dominants and Jerks just to see what I can come up with. Hopefully they can help you identify why you may be miserable with the partner you are currently with.

A Dominant Is…

… actively engaged in your happiness.

A Bossy Dick…

… cares more about what you are doing for him than he is for you.

When you are with a Dominant it’s more common that you’ll feel happy, fulfilled and your needs are met. That’s because a Dominant partner will want to make sure that the relationship is fulfilling for both people and knows that a happy submissive is more likely to want to express their submission to them. Good Dominants are nurturing and interested in developing your interests and often will help you develop your best self.

If you are with a bossy dick they will often be demanding without a care for your needs after they get what they want. They may treat you as worthless when you specifically said you don’t like that. Once a bossy dick’s desires are met he will find no more time for you and can leave you to your own devices for long periods of time. Until he needs something from you again. As long as he’s happy he thinks you’ll be happy too; without his doing anything in exchange.

Honestly a lot of this has to do with compatibility and shared interests. Far too many relationships start with D/s before you even know their favorite sports team or what their siblings names are. Just because D/s is a part of the package you are looking for in a partner doesn’t mean you can ignore the rest of it. Date. Get to know someone before you commit. Make your submission something special and important and only give it to someone you feel more than a lust for. Lust is fleeting, but sincere affection and even love is a more powerful aphrodisiac for submission.

A Dominant Is…

… a good listener.

A Bossy Dick…

… often doesn’t have time to talk about anything important.

How receptive your partner is to talking about things that concern you is a great marker for if you have someone who really cares about the state of the relationship and maintaining a level of trust and communication. A good partner will address issues before they become huge concerns and when you come to them with questions or a need for more information they will patiently and openly talk about things. The best Dominants are a great shoulder to cry on and an ear for when you just need to rant, to cry or to talk, but not fix or solve anything (Most Dominants have a drive to fix everything).

A bossy dick is tuned out from what really concerns you. They may even tell you that expressing your issues and worries is topping from the bottom! You’ll constantly be reminded that your place is beneath them and that if they have something that they need to talk about you are the last person they will come to. Oh and if you aren’t getting what you need in the relationship go talk to someone else because you likely will not even get the time of day. And if you do, the failures will, inevitably be your fault. They won’t take ownership of any issue or check out from the conversation entirely.

Yes, it is hard to have the deep and meaningful communication that so many people, including myself, preach on a daily basis. It is something you can learn and practice. A good Dominant is going to work with you to make sure the views of both parties and the communication lines stay open. They may have to learn good communication too, but at least they are open to trying. A bossy dick just won’t care.

A Dominant…

… practices self-control.

A Bossy Dick…

… let’s his anger get out of control and can become a danger to themselves or you.

I don’t claim that all Dominants are good with self-control, but I do know that many submissives put that on a list of good characteristics to have in a Dominant. I’d have to agree. While they don’t have to be perfect at self-control it is nice to know they can manage themselves and don’t need a panic button nearby. Dominants that practice self-control don’t get angry as easily, manage their anger, and have more patience than those that don’t. It could be said that the more mature a Dominant is, the more self-control they likely have. Dominants often do very well with balanced discipline and know to praise as well as chastise, depending on the situation.

When a bossy dick doesn’t their way they get angry, they get loud and sometimes get aggressive. In the exchanges I’ve had with submissives in these sorts of relationships, they are afraid of angering their Dominant, for what may happen if they do. The bossy dick encourages the submissive to be timid and cautious of anything that may appear to go against what they want and will harshly punish for the slightest of wrongs. Bossy dicks are also terrible at discipline, resorting to physical punishment for everything and anything.

Alright, alright, so that’s not all the characteristics of a good Dominant or a bossy dick, but I do hope it gets you thinking about your own relationship if you happen to be wondering if the person you are with is actually Dominant at all. Don’t assume that if they have a few dick moves that they are all dick either. Some very good Dominants just haven’t learned everything there is to know about being a better Dominant.

In any case, know when it’s time to close the door on a relationship if it is doing you harm not good. You don’t have to put up with poor treatment as a submissive, that’s not the way of it. Respect and trust are just as important when you are submissive then before you discovered power exchange. Good Dominants are out there!

Thoughts to Ponder

What positive characteristics does your current or dream Dominant have?
Complete these phrases for yourself:
A Dominant is…
A Bossy Dick is…

Interesting Links

The Good Dom
Characteristics of a Successful Dominant
What Makes a Good Dominant
How to Spot a Dominant at Ten Paces

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Published on March 13, 2015 07:00