Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 57

Ask lunaKM – Is it okay that the submissive is the bread-winner?

Dear luna,

My question to you is it ok to be submissive and still make money for the family? My local social norm is the man makes the money and the female is the house wife. However my Master hates ‘cookie cutter salary jobs’ as he calls them. So at the moment i am the one with the job and its hard to explain to family and friends. Is it ok to see this as a way to service my master since it is something he hates? Also if you have advice on explaining this to family and friends it be nice.

Thank you!

Hi there,

Being submissive isn’t connected to your work personality. The majority of submissives have jobs and earn money, many are sole breadwinners or the head breadwinner. Working does not mean you can’t be submissive. You can also consider this as service to your partner and relationship if you wish – there’s nothing wrong with thinking of it that way if it helps you.

Does your partner do things for the relationship that brings in things other than money? Are they budget conscious, do the cleaning, take care of the house or otherwise be productive while you work? I would personally have issues with someone who had no desire to work or be productive. See I don’t work, but I don’t just sit around all day either. The household chores are my work. If I had children, that would be my job as well. Protecting and budgeting for the money coming in would also be productive for a non-employed person. Are there non-traditional jobs he can do?

Explaining it to your family is something entirely different. First, why do you have to explain why you are working and he isn’t? Are they concerned that he’s not being productive in the relationship and you are working harder than you should? If he appears lazy around family then you have to reassure him that he works hard in the relationship doing other things. What you could do is relieve their concerns about that in whatever way works for you and then respectfully tell them that you are happy with the way the relationship is set up but you thank them for their concern.

No one likes nosy family, but often you just have to keep repeating the same thing over and over until they leave you alone.

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

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Published on April 22, 2015 07:00

Empowerment, Not Exploitation

I am a submissive. I have never felt exploited in any way. In fact, I feel empowered. I feel empowered in a way I have never felt before.

It angers me to read that in light of the theatrical release of Fifty Shades of Grey, women activists believe that the kink community exploits women.

That couldn’t be further from the truth.

I’ll share this story with my readers because I think it’s important. I’m not looking for sympathy; on the contrary, I think that my story illustrates an important point.

I was in a Vanilla relationship for several years with a man who lives about a hundred miles away. We saw each other regularly and things were getting serious (in that he often discussed “our future”, including kids). As our fifth anniversary as a couple approached, he dropped a huge bombshell: He was in other relationships with several other women, all at the same time, and he also had an 18-month old child with one of the women. He wanted this woman to move into his new house that I helped him find. Oh, and would it still be possible for me to help him move into said new house this weekend, since I have an SUV?

Yeah. Do the math on the kid. As if that wasn’t enough, he was hopeful that we could be a big happy family together. And continue the sex, of course.

So. What does this have to do with empowerment? Frankly, I have never felt so powerless in my life. Not only had I been completely betrayed by someone I loved, but my health had been jeopardized as well. While he said he loved me, he wanted to raise his child with this woman, but he didn’t want to lose me because of [what I came to understand as] our sexual chemistry. That’s why he figured we could all just be a unit of some kind. He exploited me. He used me for sex, and he led me on under false pretenses. That is exploitation.

When I read about how the kinky community supposedly exploits women, I see red. Given our mantra of Safe, Sane and Consensual, the idea of exploitation really doesn’t fall into the equation. I see more examples of exploitation in the Vanilla World on a daily basis—just watch an episode of Jerry Springer or Maury Povich if you don’t believe me.

Of course, it must be said that bad things happen in every community. With the kinky community bad things can happen, especially with inexperienced members. A naïve submissive might find herself in the hands of an abusive faux-Dominant who’s really just an asshole on a power trip.

However, in my experience, the most beautiful thing about D/s is that the submissive and the Dominant enter into a contractual relationship. Everything is laid out on the table; it’s discussed, and at the end of the conversation it’s crystal clear what should be expected, and what should be avoided. This is the most empowering aspect of D/s. The Dominant must abide by the terms of the contract, as must the submissive. If the terms are broken, then the contract is null and void.

My Dominant made me feel empowered. When I was doing what he requested of me, it made me feel invincible. He appreciated what I did to serve him. My service and obedience pleased him, which was the biggest reward imaginable for me. I never felt belittled, nor did I feel as though he was taking advantage of me. The perception that D/s is about women submitting to men is simply inaccurate.

I count myself among the submissives who are also highly independent. It’s not an oxymoron: you can be submissive and independent at the same time. I’ve received emails from other submissives who feel the same way. The biggest attraction to the D/s lifestyle for me is being able to give up all control to someone else and let that person call the shots. Letting someone else tell me what to wear and what to eat, and taking away the hard decisions, was a welcome diversion. The most important thing, though, is that I made the choice to give up control. My Dominant asked which areas of my life I was comfortable handing over to him, we talked about it, he gave me input, and ultimately I gave him a list. Once he took control, he was in charge and my only job was to obey. If I disobeyed, I was punished. This was all part of the deal. The important thing is that I had the power to shape what I wanted out of the relationship.

Anyone who blindly says that women are exploited in the D/s lifestyle has no idea about what really goes on in the community. From what I’ve seen, the D/s community is one of the most open, outgoing, friendly, and welcoming groups out there. No one is exploited in any way; whether you identify as a Dominant or submissive, Top or bottom, Master or slave, you are revered and coveted for being who you are. Submissives and slaves are celebrated for the gifts they provide to their Dominants and Masters.

It is my humble opinion that the exploitation of women occurs more frequently in the Vanilla World than in the kinky world. The kinky lifestyle allows women to empower themselves to go out and find what they’re looking for in a relationship. With the relationship bound by the strict standards of the contract, women can rest assured that they will be respected and treated properly. Women are able to feel empowered, not exploited.

Vanilla World, take heed!

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Published on April 21, 2015 07:00

Sub Drop Madness – Submissive Meditation Monday

I’m devoting this Monday to meditation, reflection and devotion to submission. I hope to select topics that will get you thinking differently about some part of your life or submission and then just maybe grow a little bit further. If you have ideas for topics that might work for a Meditation Monday, please email me.

With great joy can come great frustration. No matter the pleasures we experience in play with our partners, there comes a time that the pre-planning, the after care and the attention you get just aren’t enough. Sub drop comes calling.

We’ve all been there a time or two. I know I’ve had quite a few run ins with sub drop in my experience. Some aren’t much to talk about and still others were horrible experiences I’d like to avoid. But once we start experiencing sub drop, it’s unavoidable.

I’ve been there. I know how it hurts, how frustrated you feel. Your body aches, your head spins and all you want to do is curl up in your favorite chair and sleep (or cry). Perhaps there’s doubt and confusion over what you just engaged in. How could it be fun when I have bruises the next day? Does my partner still love me after how wanton I acted? Am I cut out for BDSM/submission? How can this be right?

The madness of sub drop will fade. You will recover. It’s in us to question how we feel when we feel badly about something. That doesn’t make us less submissive or weak. All we can do is hold on. Hold on to the pleasure, the joy and happiness of submitting. Remember with a smile, the fun you had and the look on your partner’s face when things had come to a climax. It was good, it was intimate, it was exciting and it was grand. All of these things do not give any indication that you are a bad person or that your feeling down now is a result of anything other than the chemical drop in our bodies.

Spend some time today thinking about the last experience of sub drop for you. When it manifested did you know what to do? Where you comforted in knowing that you in the right place in your life? Did you shower yourself with more aftercare and affirmations?

Make a point to do that the next time.

Because there will be a next time. You can’t avoid sub drop. You can help lessen its sting, but if your body responds poorly to the drop in adrenaline and endorphins from the play you will have a period of drop.

But don’t let that stop you from enjoying who you are and who you are becoming! Sub drop is fleeting and when cared for leaves no lasting effects. We learn how to manage it like a bad headache and then move on. You can too.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on April 20, 2015 07:00

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks,

I’ve been so sick that I practically slept through all of the last week and a half. I missed last week’s Reflections because I slept through it! I’ve had one of the worst colds I’ve had in my adult life so far. It is still knocking me flat. I’ve had some help from kind volunteers with writing some essays for the site since I’ve been unable to so watch for them and give them some support!

Join the growing list of fans that get to hang out with me monthly on Google Hangout!
Monthly Video Posts Return! Thank you for the support. Next Goal: Upgrade the ServersI work hard to write and produce the content and I don’t ask for much in return. This is a small way you can show me that you appreciate my efforts. If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a patron of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $3 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation. Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

Take Care of the Property
Reciprocity: Expectations of Transparency of the Dominant by tequilarose
Submissive Fantasy vs Submissive Reality by rife

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask lunaKM Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

Ask lunaKM – How do you handle emotional disconnect in a triad poly relationship?

Hello Luna, first; thank you in advance for everything, great site. Second, my question is, I’ve been in a D/s relationship 3 yrs. from the beginning my Master has wanted a poly family. We have met a woman and have pursued this relationship a year now. I don’t know if it’s just me but I’m not sure why I can’t get it together when 3 of us together to play. I always have some issue, which hasn’t been issue with others. And sure all have our jealous moments but how do you separate that jealous moment, with doubts about it all? I’ve tried talking with my Master but not found a resolution yet? I would love your thoughts Pls.

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2014: Exploring Hormone Junkies: Part 1 – Adrenaline by erika mcclean
In 2013: Ask lunaKM – I Beg Your Mercy Please!
In 2012: Submissive Speech 7: Polite Interruptions
In 2011: A Personal First: Bootblacking and Boot Worship by charmed blyss
In 2010: Psychological Aspects of Consensual Rape by Rick’s Fucktoy

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

“Do not be like servants who serve their masters expecting to receive a reward; be rather like servants who serve their master unconditionally, with no thought of reward.” – Antigonus of Sokho
“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” -Mahatma Gandhi
What is one intangible truth about your slavery?
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!

Featured Podcast of the Week – The People of Kink

TPOK Minicast 26 – Power Exchange with Dan and dawn

15 Apr 2015, 5:00am GMT

→ The People of Kink

Dan and dawn, hosts of the Erotic Awakening Podcast have been in a 24/7 M/s power exchange relationship for 14 years. Their experience and insights on power exchange come from living it each and every day. Want to learn more? Check out the Power Exchange Summit May 29, 30, 31. www.powerexchangesummit.org.

MP3 audio (25MB, 18min)

Podcast RSS

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Published on April 19, 2015 10:00

Submissive Fantasy vs Submissive Reality

This is a guest post by rife.

Hi this is rife, Sinclair’s boy. Maybe you’ve read dirty things about me, but that’s not the whole story. So what am I up to when not bent over? Well … I love erotica and porn as much as anyone (honest!), but often when people describe it, we get so hot and heavy talking about the erotic fantasy version of BDSM and the really turned-up power play, and sometimes forget to mention the everyday lived realities and negotiations of it for “24/7″ or “live-in” slaves, like me. These real-life submissive moments can be mundane, but also deeply satisfying in ways we might never expect.

So what does that stuff look like? You know, all the boring, in-between times where we try to keep the dynamic hot and tight and present, despite jobs and obligations and sick days and the general upkeep involved with not living in a fantasy world? That’s what I’m here to share. (I’ll try to get your rocks off another time, promise.)

Disclaimer: The following is a true account of my personal experience with live-in submission versus my fantasy version of it. This is only my experience, and please don’t take me too seriously, or assume this is The Way It Is for all slaves or s-types. I’m just speaking for me, here. This is not the right way, just the right way for me.

Submissive Fantasy Morning

7:00 AM Slide out of my spot at the foot of the bed before dawn, silently padding out to not disturb the sleeping Dominant.

7:03 AM Shower and shave my cunt with the straight razor, then put on the jock strap that Master left out for me the night before. Wearing only that, I start prepping Master their favorite breakfast, and have it ready on the table when they awake, with ice water with lime, their pills, and morning tea prepared (but not too hot).

8:00 AM Spanking with the wooden spoon over Daddy’s knee because I’ve not cut the onions small enough. Everything else was delicious.

8:15 AM Set up the office for Master’s work day; the heat is up, the shades are drawn, music is on. Sit at Master’s feet and await further orders.

9:00 AM Time for my daily fitness routine. Make sure Master doesn’t need anything, and I go to the little gym equipment in the corner. Master looks up from their work from time to time to watch, singletail in hand in case I should slack off. I make soft, sexy grunting sounds while I pump iron.

10:00 AM Help Master with their website and work tasks, check in on the Submissive Playground forums and emails.

Submissive Reality Morning

7:04 AM First alarm goes off. Wake up warm and cozy in Daddy’s arms, curl around tighter and hit snooze.

7:48 AM Three snoozes later, we stir. We tell each other our dreams and dirty stories, and end up fooling around some.

8:15 AM I groggily ask permission to leave the bed.

8:16 AM Why is it always so cold in this house?! Throw on last night’s PJs from the floor and a big fluffy robe. I go pee, as directed, so I don’t get another UTI.

8:21 AM Daddy finds me staring at the coffee pot and takes over making breakfast. I’m delegated to chopping and fetching duty, out of the way.

8:27 AM I put away last night’s dishes and set the table for breakfast. “Can we eat outside, Daddy?” “No, boy. It’s still too cold out.” “Okay, Sir.” Breakfast is delicious. I thank them lots and apologize for being useless in the morning for about the billionth time. I make the bed like Daddy likes it.

9:00 AM The first round of dishes for today; why does Daddy need so many bowls to scramble eggs?

9:15 AM Planning the day, picking the Most Important Tasks from my boy chores list, and reminding myself, what was that new protocol this week…?

9:22 AM “Daddy, may I use the restroom please?”

9:24 AM Sweep the kitchen floor (didn’t I just do this yesterday? I’m pretty sure I did) and settle in to work.

9:45 AM Email and other admin tasks for my small business, on a cushion in the living room floor, not at their feet, but where Daddy can see me.

Submissive Fantasy Afternoon

1:15 PM Pleasure Master Orally.

2:15 PM Pleasure Master Orally.

3:15 PM Pleasure Master Orally.

4:15 PM Pleasure Master Orally.

5:15 PM Pleasure Master Orally … What do submissives do all day in their fantasies? I.. uh, take a nap maybe? Oh, do some personal grooming! Definitely. And… practice my guitar and other pleasing arts.

6:30 PM – Midnight SEXUAL RELATIONS BDSM FUNTIMES EVERY DAY. Whips and chains and shit in our own personal dungeon in the basement (which is totally not creepy and filled with old mattresses and feral cats, in this fantasy universe).

Submissive Reality Afternoon

1:00 PM Second set of dishes for the day, from lunch and the coffeepot, which is regrettably empty.

1:00 PM – 3:45 PM Work at my job, building websites and mobile apps and stuff. This month I have a variety of fun projects (and the normal cadre of boring ones, too).

3:45 PM “May I use the restroom, Sir?” “Yes, go ahead, boy. Give me a kiss first.” (I also refill their water while I’m up.)

3:48 PM Back to work. Probably time for a tea and fruit break. I offer Master some but they decline.

3:50 PM- 6:00 PM Work, work, work. Small breaks to pay bills and walk the dog.

6:01 PM Freedom!! “Daddy, can we go for a walk? Please, please?”

6:22 PM Night hike around our favorite little lake, followed by dinner at that Thai place I’m not crazy about but Master is really into. Daddy orders for both of us and I ask before sitting.

8:00 PM Catching up on some Downton Abbey. We are way behind. I’m invited onto the couch!

10:00 PM We play cribbage because we are basically old people. Daddy kicks my ass this time.

11:00 PM Where did the time go? I brush my teeth and pick out a bedtime story, strip down to sleep naked and ask permission to get in bed, as I should, grateful for my real-life Daddy and deep spiritual submission. Even when it means doing the dishes 3 times a day.

…

Okay, so there you have it. My day-in-the-life of your average, everyday sex slave (results not typical. Your mileage may vary). I notice some big differences between the fantasy realm and the real-life versions, namely: hurray! In the fantasy, I don’t have to work because Master supports us both. You know, because writing smut and giving it away for free on the internet is so lucrative (eyeroll).

It hasn’t always been this way, though. The first year and a half of our relationship, we could basically keep the fantasy up, fuck and play the vast majority of our time together. The secret? We only saw each other on weekends, at conventions or hotels (where someone else did the laundry and everything else could wait). I highly recommend long-distance D/s if you want to live your fantasies (and who doesn’t?), it is super fun.

But eventually, we wanted more. The thing about the boring in-between times, the sick days and hours of bad TV and cuddling and cleaning house, is that that’s most of what our lives are made of. And there came a point, at least in my life, where that reality of intimacy with another human became preferable to even my best fantasy. That, my friends, is called winning.

Now, I’m not saying we don’t still have marathon fuck sessions or break out the implements o’ destruction from time to time (because oh, we do). But when I imagine that kind of intensity every day, I kind of lose my boner for it. I remember before we moved in together I was genuinely scared: What if I could just never sit down again because of all the bruises on top of bruises?

We did it anyway, though it was scary as hell. Finally, that “monstrous want” of Master’s calmed down. Don’t worry, it’s still here, but channeled. We found ways to feed it, even on random Wednesdays when we both had to work, that didn’t involve making me purple all over or quitting my job and forsaking all other obligations. We found some kind of… balance.

I’m not going to blather on about my history and congratulate myself on getting here, to “living the dream” of live-in submission. Because honestly, I’m still new at this, and finding my way. But I will tell you this: It doesn’t happen by accident. You have to look for it, hard, for years sometimes (ten in my case!). You have to work your ass off to be worthy of it when it does show up. I wish the same for you, sincerely, that you can make the steps to actualize your fantasies and fantasize the reality, until it’s hard for you to untangle them, too.

Still, I’ll take the reality any day.

—rife

rife is the property of Sinclair Sexsmith. He is 27 years old and from Texas. He likes motorcycles, bacon, and dinosaurs. When not serving Master, he serves many other folks in the community graphic and web design through his small business (rowdyferretdesign.com).

Would you like to tell us what a typical day is like in your submissive life?
This series will present to you another submissive's typical day of service to their Dominant so you can walk in their shoes for awhile. It's fun to learn and grow and understand where others are coming from. Do you have a story to share? This series is an ongoing one - so please feel free to send me your Day in the Life stories. Check out this post for requirements and how to send them to me!

If you'd like to see who else has participated, this post has the current list.
Related Posts:
Book Review: Conquer Me
Paralysis of Analysis
Check Us Out on e[lust] #32!
When Top Drop Rules Your Relationship
A Day in the Life: Tlbsab

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Published on April 17, 2015 14:41

Ask lunaKM – How do you handle emotional disconnect in a triad poly relationship?

Hello Luna, first; thank you in advance for everything, great site. Second, my question is, I’ve been in a D/s relationship 3 yrs. from the beginning my Master has wanted a poly family. We have met a woman and have pursued this relationship a year now. I don’t know if it’s just me but I’m not sure why I can’t get it together when 3 of us together to play. I always have some issue, which hasn’t been issue with others. And sure all have our jealous moments but how do you separate that jealous moment, with doubts about it all? I’ve tried talking with my Master but not found a resolution yet? I would love your thoughts Pls.

Hi there,

As I’m sure you know, it’s hard work in a poly relationship and there are so many different types of poly relationships out there that it can get confusing fast. For those that are new to poly, the reader is in a triad in which all partners have relationships with each other and do things together. The type of relationship that KnyghtMare and I have is a “V” where he’s the one with the other relationships and I don’t have relationships with his partners. From what you’ve said, reader, I can only guess that you have issue with this specific person and that’s why you can’t connect when you are all together. If there is anything bothering you about her, or that you just aren’t attracted to her then it could get in the way of your play together and also cause more powerful moments of jealousy. It’s also possible that you don’t want to have a relationship with this other person and you feel forced because you feel it’s expected of you.

Having a poly relationship where you have doubts about any of it is difficult. You definitely need to pin down what your doubts are and work through them with everyone involved. Not everyone is capable of triad poly and it doesn’t have to be the same as other relationships. You could have been fine with a triad in a previous relationship but in this one it doesn’t feel right. And that’s OK. What you have to do with be comfortable with the relationship you are in now; if that means it needs to change a bit then work towards that. Nothing says you have to be in threesomes with this person if that’s your sticking point.

There has to be a lot more communication, I think, when someone in the relationship has doubts about any of it because doubt can breed into worse emotions if they aren’t dealt with. You didn’t mention if your Dominant partner had any suggestions or things for you to try so I assume he’s as stumped as you are. So bring in the other person and start talking together about it. It is, after all, a relationship with all 3 of you. My article on how to set up a safe environment to talk might help you get things rolling. I wish you the best.

–lunaKM

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on April 15, 2015 07:00

Reciprocity: Expectations of Transparency of the Dominant

For those of you who are avid Red Phoneix fans, she’s at it again. She’s currently working on the third installment of the Brie series, Submissive in Love. While I was reading the second novella, Brie’s Denver Desires, a passage at the end of the book grabbed my attention and wouldn’t let go.

“Sir, you’re keeping something from me, aren’t you?” When he didn’t answer, she demanded “I have a right to know! I remember when I had to kneel on rice because I kept something from you. What consequence is there if you do the same to me?”

Brie is talking about good old transparency, which is something that is extremely important in any relationship, but I feel even more so in a power exchange relationship. I even wrote an article on the importance of transparency in relationships and how it takes having honesty, communication, and trust to become completely transparent to your partner. But that’s not the article I’m writing today or the reason the quote stuck out. Before I go any further, I want to ask you a question and I would like for you to ponder on it for a moment. Is it okay for the D-type to withhold information from their s-type? Yes, I realize I’m playing with fire here, but that’s one of my hobbies and before you start forming an angry mob with torches and pitchforks, hear me out.

To me, this is one of those grey areas(for a lack of a better term)in the lifestyle. One phrase I grew up hearing is “What’s good for the goose, is good for the gander” which means what is good for one type is equally good for another type. In my opinion(lunaKM nor Submissive Guide can be held liable for opinions of the writer), unlike in vanilla relationships, BDSM relationships that have a power exchange dynamic, the D-type and s-type are not on equal footing. Usually that’s the case because that’s how the parties involved have agreed to have their relationship. In other words, what applies to the submissive doesn’t exactly apply to the dominant.

Like I stated in my earlier article on transparency, Daddy and I are pretty much 100% transparent with one another. We have passwords to the other person’s accounts, I know what’s going on financially, blah blah. There is rarely a thought that Daddy and I don’t have that isn’t shared with the other. That’s how we are. But,(because there’s always a but!)there are times where Daddy doesn’t tell me everything. Like everything else that Daddy does, He has His reasons for this. And usually at first when I find out He’s kept something from me, I do get a little butthurt, but then I quickly get over it as quickly as I got butthurt. Daddy knows me really well. Daddy KNOWS how I’m going to react to things. He knows if I’m gonna start freaking out and thinking the world is ending(I can be a bit high-strung sometimes)and He knows how upset something is going to make me. So, He decides there’s no reason to cause me to experience these negative emotions and doesn’t say anything to me, or He tells me after He’s taken care of whatever issue. There tends to be this little discussion that goes something like this:

Me: Why didn’t Daddy tell bambi about this?
Daddy: Well, because I knew you would panic and stress over this and I know at the time you didn’t need the added stress.
Me: pondering for a moment Yeah, Daddy’s right.

That is something I am grateful for. Daddy does save me from a lot of unnecessary stress and hurt feelings by not telling me everything. I know there could be some readers who are thinking “Tequila, if you’re okay with him keeping these little things from you, how do you know he’s not keeping bigger secrets from you?” and that is a very valid argument because He could easily be keeping something huge a secret from me, but I know He’s not. I can say that with 100% confidence. Why? Because Daddy is always honest and open with me. The things that He keeps from me, are things that don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things.

I am not advocating that it is okay for the D-types to always keep their s-type in the dark, on everything. Secrets and lies are the building blocks for killing a relationship. I’m a member of the school that just because your title starts with a capital letter, that doesn’t mean you get to be an asshole and treat people like shit. Being a dominant doesn’t give you any kind of special privileges. What I am saying though, I do believe that the D-types do have a right to privacy that the s-type does not have. Also, what I am saying is this needs to be a topic of conversation between partners on equal footing. Is this acceptable behavior from the dominant, from the submissive and what consequences are involved for both parties if the transparency starts becoming not so transparent so that way you and your partner don’t end up having a rather heated argument like the one Brie had with her Sir.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on April 14, 2015 07:00

Take Care of the Property

from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 1/10/15

Mollena Williams, a well-known and respected speaker, educator, Ms Leather 2010 and so much more has inspired my writing and my personal thinking about my submission more than she will probably ever know. One of my favorite messages she conveys is that the prime directive of the submissive (affiliate link) is to take care of the property. It can have many meanings, but for me right now it hits me hard as I stand on the scale and review my eating habits. It is a common dance I play at the beginning of every year. My goals reset to the same thing every year. Lose at least 40 lbs, eat right, move more, drink more water and get my vitamins.

And every year I fail.

My longest stretch at positive change is about 2 months. Then I just quit for one reason or another. But recently Mollena’s words are echoing in my head. Take care of the property. That means making sure I’m healthy enough to stick around on this planet for years to come. I’m dangerously obese if you couldn’t guess from my video posts. I don’t exercise and I don’t eat enough veggies. I used to binge eat, but that has thankfully stopped when I was forced to eat a gluten-free diet when I was diagnosed with Gluten Intolerance. It’s pretty hard to binge eat on GF foods. They just don’t taste the same and the cost is very prohibitive of mass purchasing.

So, while I know that I’ve got the same goals this year as all the other years, I think I’m going to take a different direction and use the prime directive for submissives to keep me going. After all, I’m always trying to find ways to be a better submissive, and writing for Submissive Guide is definitely an active effort in that.

I’m ready to make a change. I’m going to take care of the property.

I know there is so much more to taking care of the property than the health goals that I have set for myself. Often the things we don’t see as harmful to our submission to our partner is staring us right in the face. So take a pledge to figure out where you are slipping in the prime directive and pick your submission back up. Let’s list a few of the more common ways we aren’t taking care of the property.

Over Committed

Being over-committed is a common curse in this age. How many activities fill your day so that you have to try to squeeze in time to submit? How stressed out are you after a long work day? How do you think this impacts your submission? Are you able to surrender as you or your partner desire when your mind is full tilt and your body is screaming for rest? Probably not.

Taking care of the property means making sure that you can prioritize your engagements and not take on more than you can handle at any given time. And if you say you have to do x, y and z then you are simply refusing to accept that you can say no to people who ask you for your time.

Stress

Much of the stress that we experience every day is self-inflicted. It isn’t a simple process to reduce the stress in our lives, but it is one that will improve our mental health and in turn our ability to submit to our partners. Even taking just 10 minutes out of your day to relax and slow down can be a huge help. Learn to let go of the things you can’t control and manage the things you can.

Relieving stress as a couple has healing properties too. The little fights, the added stress of a relationship can take its toll. Find time this week to set a date to make that right. Show them that the most important person at the end of the day is each other.

Not Enough Sleep

We get far less sleep than our bodies need these days. What, with all the commitments we have for ourselves it’s no wonder. But if we learn to reduce what we have to do in the evening we can get a good night’s sleep and have a healthier outlook on the day.

Don’t knock a cat nap either. Sometimes just squeezing 20 minutes whenever you can could boost your productivity and mood. And hell, sometimes a nap just feels right.

Pampering

Do stuff for yourself from time to time. Get that manicure, buy that pretty blouse you saw. Make sure you do your makeup if you like to wear it and buy the latte on your way to work. Just don’t go overboard on it and add financial stress to your life. Make it a pleasant reward and it will do more good for your psyche than you realize.

Re-negotiate

That’s right. Sometimes we need to sit down with our partners and get on the same page. As the relationship develops and evolves some of the things we discussed at the beginning need to be re-discussed. Even if that means just reminding each other of where you want to be and how you plan to get there.

I don’t claim to know how to be the prefect submissive, and I don’t have the prime directive down pat just yet, but hopefully with you supporting each other we can make the changes that will mean more about taking care of the property than we realized.

Who’s going to work on it with me? Let’s make a plan right now. What is getting in the way of your taking care of the property? How can you make changes today?

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on April 13, 2015 07:00

What is a Fetish?

This is a guest post by Mistress Steel. It was part of her Steel’s Chamber Scrolls which is now defunct. Shared with Permission.

Fetish. An object of extreme or irrational reverence or devotion. The often pathological displacement of erotic or libidinal interest sufficient to stimulate actions of worship. Often regarded as a fixation of the mind where sexual interest is shifted upon an inanimate object, concept, idea or representation.

We use the term fetish to describe many actions or conditions which appear with relative prevalence within the BDSM communities. The mode of dress recognized as ‘scene dress’ is often regarded as ‘fetish wear’. The wearer may experience a personal excitement to the selection and clothing of themselves in their ‘special’ attire and presentation or may relate the entire ‘scene’ beginning with the alteration of dress to be fetish. This tends to objectify the actual scene or displace the erotic stimulation from the human participants toward the ‘scene’ inclusive of the participants but not focused primarily upon them. The involvement with a fetish is sometimes viewed as compulsive or bordering on compulsive obsessive behaviors. Frequently the individual will articulate that they became aware of their ‘fixation’ on a certain act or object at or near puberty. Often they have elected to hide or obscure their attraction finding the nature of that attraction to fall outside acceptable standards. It is important to recognize that many of the behaviors found within the BDSM communities have similar obsessive compulsive traits.

For a submissive this compulsion may be expressed by the concept of being with a Dominant. The ‘idea’ of being with or in the presence of an acting Dominant may be experienced as an ‘irresistible’ impulse to perform an ‘irrational’ or otherwise viewed as ‘outside the normal behavior’ in order to reach a state of resolution or peace as experienced when ‘within’ the object of their obsession or need. Some studies exploring obsessive compulsive behaviors note plateau’s of satiation where it appears the action or behavior serving the fetish may no longer be sufficient for attainment of the resolution by the individual. This may encourage the individual toward more aggressive or extreme exhibitions or behaviors in order to attend to this ‘need’. This ‘desensitization’ often results in a furtherance or selection by the individual to delve deeper into their fetish or need in order to trigger a stronger level of sensitivity.

For a Dominant this compulsion may be expressed by the desire to find, interact with or otherwise be with a submissive. The Dominant may find themselves almost compulsively drawn toward the attainment or purchase of large quantities of ‘scene gear’ or toys. At times their involvement with these ‘objects’ of expression of their fetish upon will border on excessive. They may find themselves fantasizing about the objects, how and when they hope to utilize them. This may extend to spending significant amounts of time, energy and money on practicing or developing performance skill levels with these objects, maintenance of these objects and involvement with like-minded persons to discuss, examine or otherwise lavish attention upon these objects. This can also extend to the development of new objects or designs in the direction which most stimulates a constant or frequent level of personal pleasure.

In some ways forms of obsessive compulsive behaviors mimic or appear similar to addictive behaviors. Many individuals discover patterns of need within themselves, sometimes they regard a scene as getting a ‘fix’ or feeding the ‘monster’ within themselves. In the attainment of this ‘fix’ they are often willing to set aside simple safety issues and take risks which at less vulnerable times might appear irrational to even consider. In addition they may find themselves willing to destroy the significant and important relationships within their life in order to fill a temporary need.

The most visible fetishes are those which an outside observer can look at and identify or label as ‘outside rational responses or behavior.’ The most common of these are foot fetishers, (sometimes high heels), feminization or infantilism. However in many ways almost all the behaviors expressed by persons involved in BDSM can be viewed as ‘fetish’. A submissive may be obsessed with the idea of being flogged. A Dominant may be obsessed with the idea of ‘forcibly using’ a submissive.

A member of the BDSM community can honestly identify themselves as a ‘fetisher’.

A concern of many entering or exploring the D/s or BDSM communities is whether their initial need or desire will change or grow. This is a valid concern and from my viewpoint the answer is a resounding ‘yes’. The original interest may grow, alter or evolve into behaviors and needs even further from the acceptable norm. The individual may become less sensitive as they become more experienced and may desire stronger stimulation on both sides. There are of course risks attendant to this which should not be overlooked or ignored. It is my opinion that the power of the compulsion, seduction or lure of this lifestyle is sufficient in many cases to stimulate actions by the individual which may be destructive of their personal life, involvement’s and relationships. When possible the individual should refrain from participating in this lifestyle until their primary responsibilities are discharged. These are the commitments to children and spouse that already exist. If refraining from participation is impossible to resist then the individual should make every effort to ‘retain’ their spousal relationship by offering that relationship the respect of open and honest communication and significant hard work necessary to maintain the stability of the relationship. In all cases the children’s innocence should be protected as paramount. It is not proper to impose expressions of fetish behavior upon those vulnerable, formative or in the process of shaping their ideas and thoughts. Your behaviors can be healthy or unhealthy, the choice is yours. When any behavior becomes identifiable as having a ‘negative’ effect on the health of a person’s life then that person should seek assistance in correcting or limiting that behavior to return their life to a more balanced state.

Written by F.R.R. Mallory – also known as Mistress Steel. This article may be excerpted from Extreme Space, The Domination and Submission Handbook, Safe, Sane and Consensual, Dangerous Choices or other books by F.R.R. Mallory and shared here with her permission. Please click on the book title for information on how you can order a copy of these books and others by F.R.R. Mallory.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on April 10, 2015 07:00

Fun Things from February’s Little Chat

https://www.flickr.com/photos/pinksherbet/4456978157

At the beginning of February, I hosted an afternoon chats for littles here on Submissive Guide. If you missed it, don’t worry. It was the first of several other chats I plan on hosting. I had such a great time and so much fun, and I think everyone else who joined in did as well. Specifically for this chat, I created a couple of documents to share and because I think they’re awesome(I may be a little biased here), I wanted to share them with everyone else who didn’t get the chance to attend the chat.

One of the chat topics I brought up was keeping a littles journal or scrapbook. These are such fun and awesome ideas, but I know sometimes that it’s hard to get started with something like this when you have no idea where to start. So, I scrounged the interwebs(okay, maybe a littles group on Fetlife), and put together some awesome ideas to help you get started on your littles journal and scrapbook.

This first link is taken from the Fetlife group The Magical World of Littles. This is such a great group, but I also know that not everyone is on Fetlife and wanted to share this stuff with others. The first part of it, are thirty one questions by a member and she did this in a form of question of the day in the group. These are really awesome questions that get you thinking about what makes you tick as a little and a lot of self exploration. No matter what role you play, self exploration is a GOOD THING! *giggles* The second part of it are scrapbook ideas. Things that you can include, also some links to printable chore charts that you can eventually put in your scrapbook(and I found this link the other day to make Hello Kitty and other character money which would be great for rewards after completing chores and turning in for rewards after saving up a specific amount).

The second link that I shared on this topic is also from The Magical World of Littles Group as well. I’m sure most have heard about the 30 Days of Submission Meme(lunaKM even did her own on the site), where you have thirty self-discovery questions about submission. Well, another member took those 30 days of submission questions and tweaked them just a bit more relative to littles. They’re not the same as the questions in the first link, but there is some overlapping, but not a lot. These are another great set of questions that can be used as journal prompts and also in your scrapbook. If you’re a single little, these are still great to do because these are something you can share with a prospective caregiver to help them understand your little side better.

Now, it’s time for some FUN! I woke up super early the morning of the chat and I was super bored so that’s how this last link came into existence. Self discovery is such a great thing, but so is having fun! You can ask any little, and they will all tell you the same thing: littles love to have fun and I am no exception. So, I put together a list of bunches of links of fun stuff you can do without having to spend all your time searching the interwebs for fun things to do. This way, you have more time having fun, which we all know is super important. There’s sites for printing out your own coloring pictures, super fun crafts that are messy, but super fun and easy to do, and some fun baking and snack ideas. We need those fun snack ideas because we littles function so much better when we’re full of sugar, plus all those treats are what makes us all so super sweet.

I hope everyone enjoys these links. I can’t tell you how much fun I had putting these together to share with everyone. I am hoping to have another chat before the summer months start, so keep your eyes open for that. I’m ready to have a lot more fun everyone!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on April 09, 2015 07:00