Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 53

Always Getting in Trouble – Submissive Meditation Monday

I’m devoting this Monday to meditation, reflection and devotion to submission. I hope to select topics that will get you thinking differently about some part of your life or submission and then just maybe grow a little bit further. If you have ideas for topics that might work for a Meditation Monday, please email me.

“I am always getting into trouble.”

“I can’t seem to do anything right.

“Why can’t I just do what I’m told?”

Have you heard yourself say these things? I know I have on many occasions. It seems that no matter how long you’ve been doing this thing we call submission, there are times of rebellion, confusion, frustration and just not getting it right.

This isn’t the moment to beat yourself up over it, although that’s a hard thing not to do. It’s a time for reflection, a time for understanding and a time for acceptance. In order to learn and grow we must endure these times of disobedience and struggle. Backsliding and being corrected for it is a part of the process. We have to accept that we’ll not be a perfect version of ourselves all the time. No matter how much we wish to be.

It’s also a time for learning and growth. Perhaps getting into trouble is a call for help or a plea for attention. Through no intentional disguise you are asking your Dominant to feed your submission in some way that you’ve not yet been able to express. Some of the most looked up to submissives that I know still have moments where they get in trouble for the simplest things. Instead of beating themselves up about it they learn. They accept that they may need help or guidance or attention.

So first we must accept that we will falter. We will get in trouble and we will slip. It’s a part of life.

How we handle it will teach us far more than if we avoid the lesson it’s trying to teach.

Stop what you are doing right now and think about the last time you got in trouble with your partner. You could even be in trouble now. Why did you get in trouble? What lesson is it teaching you? How can you grow from it? Think long and hard about the answers to these questions. They will open the door to growth and understanding that you may not already have.

You didn’t know that making mistakes was so beneficial did you? It’s a chance for you to learn and grow.

But you have to let it happen. You can’t dwell on the negative. You need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and learn how to avoid that particular mistake in the future. You can do it. I’m not saying it’s easy or that the answers you seek to those questions up there will come quickly to you. Look inside and listen.

Growing hurts. That’s why they call it pains. Remember, they are temporary and the beauty of submission that is your submission is right on the other side.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on June 15, 2015 07:00

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks,

KnyghtMare and I have done a bit of mini-sessions this week and I’m realizing that my pain threshold is pretty low right now. It could be the stress I’m under or I’m getting sick. I did have a migraine near the beginning of the week and that could have had lingering repercussions. Who knows. I do know that it will recover in time and we’ll be able to go at it like funky chickens again (LOL)!

Do you notice your pain tolerance goes up and down? What causes that for you?

This Weekend’s Giveaway – 30 Day Pass to KinkAcademy.com!

Have you heard the news yet? The Summer of Weekend Giveaways has started! This weekend’s giveaway is a 30 Day Pass to KinkAcademy.com. Enter to win by midnight CST tonight! Don’t miss it. Subscribe to the site if you haven’t already so that you can get the notices every Thursday of the new giveaway.

As with all of Submissive’ Guide’s giveaways, you only need to enter your email address to win. Winners must be 18+ to win. Some giveaways are restricted to US or US/Canada only and will be marked if there are limitations.

Giveaways run from Thursday through Sunday every week this summer until we run out of prizes!

Join the growing list of supporters and fans!
Servers Upgraded! Thank you for the support. Next Goal: Monthly WebinarsI work hard to write and produce the content and I don’t ask for much in return. Supporting the site is a small way you can show me that you appreciate my efforts. If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a patron of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $3 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation.

Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

Submissive Mythology: The Good Submissive by Mistress Steel
Coming Out As Kinky: Food for Thought by andyiccee
Weekend Giveaway: 1 Free Month to Kink Academy (1 Winner)
Some Misconceptions about the Caregiver/Little Dynamic by tequilarose

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask lunaKM Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

Ask lunaKM – Cum on Command Training and Manual

Your articles talk about learning to cum on command, but they never really describe the process or steps to practice etc. Is there a manual?

Thanks

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2014: More Red Flags for Everyone by Miss Jessica
In 2013: Brimming with Confidence – Learning to Love Your Potential
In 2012: Ask SehAnru | Incapacitated Mistress
In 2011: Using Your Fear for Better Submissive Growth by mi_vida
In 2010: Theories of Feminism and Submission by nan{SL}

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

Is trust in your owner a necessity for your surrender?
Discuss the last time you broke a rule. What happened? Have you broken that rule before? Do you think it is one you may break again?
“We will discover the nature of our particular genius when we stop trying to conform to our own or to other people’s models, learn to be ourselves, and allow our natural channel to open.” — Shakti Gawain
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!

Featured Podcast of the Week – The People of Kink

TPOK Minicast 34 Using FetLife as a Tool

10 Jun 2015, 5:00am GMT

→ The People of Kink

FetLife can be a wonderful place. It is a tool that could help us all from promoting to learning and finding new partners. It can be all these things if we choose to use it properly and respectfully. So let’s learn to get along and be positive!

MP3 audio (22MB, 16min)

Podcast RSS

iTunes subscribe

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on June 14, 2015 10:00

Some Misconceptions about the Caregiver/Little Dynamic

The other day, I was all curled up on the couch browsing Facebook on my tablet. I’m scrolling and scrolling, and scrolling some more until something catches my eye. It’s a photo someone posted in a submissives only group that I’m in. I had scrolled past it a little so I found it again. I read the text on the photo and then I found myself making a face. My scrunched up face that happens when I come across something that rubs me the wrong way. My scrunched up face that makes me pull out my soapbox from storage and hop right up on there. Since I was on my tablet and knew I would be writing a small novel, I commented “I’ll comment later” so I could find it again, because we all know it’s not fun to type out long novels on a mobile device and there’s also your friendly autocorrect that thinks it knows what you’re wanting to say. So after dinner, I got on my laptop, found the post again, and started angry typing.

“I feel like DD/lg(Daddy Dom/little girl)is becoming a fad of girls who see cutesy Disney stuff and think they can be a spoiled little girl. It’s not how it is. DD/lg is a part of D/s and involves BDSM and a massive power exchange, if it doesn’t then you’re merely an ageplayer(Which isn’t a bad thing). They’re called Daddy DOMINANTS for a reason. So think about whether you have that power exchange or are more of an ageplayer.”

There were a variety of comments from the members saying that they agree with the above statement, others saying they weren’t exactly sure how they feel about the statement and everything in between. My opinion? I do not like this statement at all. I actually think if I were to meet the person who made said statement, I would have to fight back the urge to punch them in the face. I know those who are reading this are probably not sure how to respond to my last statement. No, I don’t walk around punching the people I don’t agree with in the face. I know I always preach to practice the lifestyle the way that is right for you. I will never stop preaching that because it’s the truth. But to me, whoever said this(and I’m willing to bet money that this was said by someone who is involved in the Caregiver/little dynamic), seems a little close minded. Maybe I’m close minded for disagreeing, but to me, this statement is full of misconceptions that are constantly seen within the dynamic.

Misconception #1: Caregiver/little dynamic is a fad for spoiled littles. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. Like with the phrase Hakuna Matata, the little dynamic is no passing craze. It may seem a lot more popular now because of the Internet and Fetlife giving like-minded people the chance to connect with others and to be given a place to have a voice and to share ideas. I also think because of being able to connect with others, there are people out there who had never heard of the caregiver/little dynamic and are curious about it, and like with what everyone does with clothes and shoes, they’re trying it on, seeing if it’s something that works for them. There’s nothing wrong with that at all. There are both dominants and submissives who come into the lifestyle looking for a free ride. I don’t know how many stories I have heard at munches about submissives being involved with a ‘dominant’ who expects the submissive to work outside the home and hand over the paycheck so he can sit at home and stories from dominants who have met ‘submissives’ who expect to no longer work outside the home and to have their every need catered to by the dominant. People looking to take advantage of someone else isn’t just limited to the Caregiver/little dynamic. That’s something that happens everywhere, in or outside the lifestyle. Another thing about this, there maybe some people whose dynamic is exactly this. An older individual who wants to find someone younger to spoil. There is nothing wrong with this. The man who introduced me to the DD/lg dynamic, this was the exact relationship we had. He didn’t want anything long-term or emotionally deep, he wanted someone to take out and spoil. While this wasn’t the type of relationship that I wanted to always have, I enjoyed it for what it was. I loved being bought cute clothes to wear, a ton of books, and stuffies. I didn’t feel like he was using me or that I was using him. It was a mutual agreement between two consenting adults, which is what is important.

Misconception #2: If you’re not involved in a D/s dynamic, then you’re an ageplayer. NOPE! NOPE! NOPE! So not the case at all. What makes someone an ageplayer is if that person is someone who enjoys role-playing a specific age, not whether they have a D/s dynamic included in their Caregiver/little dynamic. If you’re on Fetlife, you will find many littles groups devoted to those who don’t have a D/s dynamic in their relationship. Having a specific dynamic in your roll doesn’t categorize whether you’re a little or an ageplayer. That’s a decision that’s made based on how you feel, not what kind of dynamic you’re involved in.

Misconception #3: Caregiver/little dynamic involves BDSM and a massive power exchange. NOPE! NOPE! NOPE! The dynamic does not have to include any form of BDSM. Nor does there have to be some huge power exchange in play. Yes, there’s usually some power exchange dynamic in play, but it doesn’t have to be one that goes as far as a D/s or M/s dynamic. There are a lot of littles out there who are non-sexual littles and this means that when they’re in little space, NOTHING sexual happens which means a lot of BDSM activities do not take place while they’re in little space. They may enjoy these activities when they’re in an adult headspace, but again, maybe not. Just because the Caregiver/little dynamic does fall under the umbrella of BDSM, doesn’t mean that BDSM activities have to be involved.

Misconception #4: All little types are submissive. NOPE! NOPE! NOPE! I know this one isn’t specifically said in the quote above, but it’s something that is implied. It’s easy to assume that if someone identifies as little that they’re submissive. It’s an assumption even I made before really doing more exploration into the dynamic. But that’s not the case. Like I stated earlier, not all littles are submissives. That kind of role just doesn’t apply to them or their relationship. Being a little isn’t limited to having a specific little. There are littles who aren’t submissive or dominant, there are littles who are only dominant, there are littles who are only submissives, and there are littles who are switches.

I know this is really long and I’m sorry for that. I try really hard to stick to 1000 words or under, but I just couldn’t do that this time. Being a little and with the experiences I’ve had with people assuming things about me, it hurts a lot to be thrown into a category without people willing to get to know you. I know this is something that a lot of littles struggle with on a regular basis and cause them a great deal of stress and anxiety when it comes to dealing with other non littles. I know I’ve probably come across a bit aggressive and I am sorry about that. I have serious issues with people who believe and try to get others to believe that their way is the one ‘trwe way’ to live any particular dynamic in the lifestyle. These statements are breeding grounds for misconceptions and also help perpetuate those misconceptions and I have no tolerance for them. What’s listed above is just a handful of misconceptions that littles have to deal with on a regular basis and it’s not just littles that have to deal with people having misconceptions about them, it’s everyone. So please, be kind and before judging or making a blanket statement, learn for yourself.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on June 12, 2015 07:00

Weekend Giveaway: 1 Free Month to Kink Academy (1 Winner)

The next best thing to this website is a video collection of the top presenters, educators and authors in kink, am I right? Well I’ve been a loyal fan of KinkAcademy.com since it was an infant site and have watched it grow and develop into a leading source of kink education. This weekend, Princess Kali is giving away a free 1 month membership to Kink Academy for one lucky Submissive Guide Reader!

Enter now for your chance to win 30 days of access to one of the best sites on BDSM!

From their about page:

Kink Academy is a comprehensive library of sex-ed videos for adventurous, consenting adults. Whether you’re new to kink or an experienced player, there’s something for everyone to learn on KinkAcademy.com.

We listen to our Members and post 4-5 new videos

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With over 1000 sex-ed videos and over 100 sexuality educators, Kink Academy is a massive resource for sexual information that only keeps growing in value. The Kink Academy Team works with sex educators from around the world to present the most diverse and experienced voices possible for your ongoing sexual education.

Take a glance at their free clips if you are still on the fence about the quality of the education.

If you’ve wanted to go to a BDSM convention, here’s a way to see some of what you’d experience in the comfort of your own home!

Would you like to win a 1 month membership to Kink Academy? Just click on the graphic below and type in your email address. This giveaway ends Sunday June 14th, at 11:59 pm, CST. One winner will be chosen and posted on Tuesday.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on June 11, 2015 07:00

Ask lunaKM – Cum on Command Training and Manual

Dear lunaKM,

Your articles talk about learning to cum on command, but they never really describe the process or steps to practice etc. Is there a manual?

Thanks

Hi there,

I actually have a 3 part series on Orgasm Training.

Initial Steps Into Orgasm on Command Training
Orgasm on Command Training – The Process for the Submissive
Orgasm on Command Training – Ultimate Goals and Variations

But if you need basics beyond that, I suggest you read about Pavlovian Response and then attend a few classes or presentations on Orgasm Training. Look into your own local community for people who can help you understand it better.

I also searched Amazon and saw one book on the subject that might be interesting. I’ve not read it so I can’t say for sure but what do you have to lose?

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on June 10, 2015 07:00

Coming Out As Kinky: Food for Thought

This past winter I ran an educational event through the campus Women’s Center on BDSM in response to Fifty Shades of Grey. With the movie coming out I knew that people would be interested in the topic and consider trying it themselves and I wanted them to be safe about it. I covered the basics of SSC and RACK, I discussed the differences between bedroom only, D/s, and M/s, talked about the different typed of toys and risks associated with the toys (Dildos should be made of glass so they do not hold bacteria and Never insert anything into your anus that doesn’t have a base because your rectum forms a vacuum and could suck it in), and held a discussion.

I expected there to be some pushback from those in attendance, but there wasn’t. People asked respectful questions, people may have giggled a little, or looked a little horror-stricken when I talked about knife play as an option, but no one responded poorly. People read one of the articles I printed out from SubGuide and people asked about the website as a resource. I did not tell them that I had written it, I did not make it clear that I was a member of the community, but seeing them all so genuinely interested got me thinking about coming out.

This has been a big year of coming out. I came out proudly for the second year in a row at Coming Out Monologues on my campus as a homoflexible sexual woman. I received the Lavender Cords (LGBTQ+ cords) and wore them proudly at graduation. I let them use a picture of me as an advertisement for coming out monologues. I let people know that aspect of my identity, so I thought that maybe I could talk about kink as well.

When I talk about being queer people have a lot of questions. People do make fun, make nasty comments, and sometimes are downright mean, but in general people just ask questions. Some queers feel that people are disrespectful when people ask how I know, how many girls I have slept with versus how many guys, and what it entails for my sex life, but I do not. I think that people are naturally curious and while they may not always frame their questions in the best way, they are really just trying to understand. When people understand things, they are less likely to judge things, so I am all about those conversations.

Plus, when I start talking freely about sex, people get really excited and start telling me things about themselves because, in general, people have very little honest space to talk about sex and what they like, do not like, want, and think about. Even porn – no one has an honest discussion about porn. I do and I encourage friends and peers to do the same, to break down the stigma around sex and sexuality.

So I broached the topic of BDSM. One of my teammates on a finance project asked me about the BDSM event that I hosted and I was honest about how happy I was that people were accepting and told him that I was glad to help reduce the stigma surrounding kink. He asked me if I participated in the lifestyle, and though there were a few sniggers from group members, I said yes.

Now I think coming out has several steps:

Figure out who you are going to come out to. You need to come out to people who will accept you, not judge you, and not out you to people who you do not want to come out to. You need to make sure that you are not putting your physical or mental safety on the line by coming out to people. You need to make sure you can trust the people you come out to. YOU DO NOT NEED TO COME OUT TO EVERYONE. For example, I will never come out to my parents as kinky and I will probably put off telling them about my sexual identity unless I end up planning to marry a woman. It is better for me not to rock the boat, and it doesn’t pain me in any way that they do not know.
Figure out where and when you are going to come out. Sometimes it just slips out and people come out in a rush, sometimes people plan for months, sometimes it’s a combination of the two. There is no right or wrong time to come out in a universal sense, but you want to make sue (again) that you are in a safe place when you do so. You probably do not want to come out in a crowded place where a stranger may overhear and make you feel uncomfortable or threatened. You probably do not want to come out at someone’s wedding or baby shower and steal the spotlight off someone else. But, it is totally up to your judgment when and where you plan to share that you are coming out.
Figure how much you are willing to share. When you come out, you do not need to tell the person(s) you are coming out to every single detail of what the lifestyle means to you. Honestly, the person you are coming out to probably doesn’t want to know everything, so make sure you are attuned to where you are both at. The person you are coming out to may ask questions – you can answer them if you want to, but should not feel pressured to. The person you are coming out to may ask you to not talk about it, and while this may be disappointing, respect their wishes, maybe they just need time to process.

Now when I came out to my finance group all I shared was that I was into BDSM with my partner and that we had practiced for about two years. That was it. I didn’t get into the roles that we played, I didn’t talk about punishments, and I didn’t talk about the details of sex. A few weeks later they asked if I was the dominant one, and I answered honestly, but the conversation on that particular topic went no further. It did open up a new level of trust in the group and the team felt comfortable discussing sex, problems they were having with sex, porn, positions, and STDs.

When I came out to my best friend, I told her more. I told her how we got involved and what we were doing – not in graphic detail at the time, but in general. “Well, he spanks me and we use handcuffs a lot and I call him Chief” or “We bought a spreader bar last week and its awesome” or “Chief and I decided to try knife play and I love it”. She was okay with hearing these things, she didn’t judge me, and she would ask questions when she had them, but it was not the focal point of every discussion.

When I tell her about some things she might say, “Wow… I would NEVER want to try that” (like she did with fisting), but she knows that I am a very sexual person and she supports me. She will talk about things with me, let me hash out relationship dynamics and problems that arise because of the lifestyle. But I knew when I came out to her that I could trust her.

Think about it before you start to boldly come out. I would advise against doing it on Facebook. The old ladies from church may not like it, your parents and their friends may not like it, and your partner may not like it. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page, especially if you are coming out to mutual friends or people who know them. You do not want to out them if that is something that they are uncomfortable with. Be conscious of the ramifications that could come from coming out to someone. I am cautious and think ahead before I tell anyone about my sexuality or my kink and because of that I have had only positive responses.

Have you come out as kinky? How did that go? Let us know in the comments!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on June 09, 2015 07:00

Submissive Mythology: The Good Submissive

from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 3/7/15

This is a guest post by Mistress Steel. It was part of her Steel’s Chamber Scrolls which is now defunct. Shared with Permission.

Good – better – best – favorable – bountiful – fertile – handsome – attractive – suitable – fit – profitable – advantageous – pleasant – agreeable – salutary – wholesome – amusing – clever – considerable – ample – full – well-founded – cogent – real – actualized…

Sufficient to understand why when the word is used no one quite knows exactly what is meant. What is a good submissive? Is it any or all the things above, even when those things seem contradictory? Why do we feel the need to clarify or narrowly identify this special condition?

Subjective ~ of, relating to, or constituting a subject or characteristic of one that is subject especially in lack of freedom of action or in submissiveness.

We say that good is subjective or based on the individual or independent perspective of the individual rendering an evaluation of value.

What is this intense need to set standards of measure and evaluation? Does this clinging to of ego supports or pride contribute to the act of or performance of submission by the individual themselves? Is not a submergence or relinquishment of the ego a necessary forestep to submission itself?

I find many ‘measures’ of what constitutes or ‘is’ the demonstration of a ‘good’ submissive. To me each attempt to measure or set standards is a demonstration of failure to comprehend the base nature of submission itself. These attempts are flawed by the concept or idea that a relative measurement can corral or hold within it that which is the submissive and act of submission itself.

The theory that any individual can go to school (or through ‘training’) ‘learn’ how to be a submissive and that the nature of what motivates, empowers and sustains a submissive can be somehow transmitted through lessons suggests a gross misunderstanding of what submission truly is. (lunaKM adds: That’s why I focus on personal enrichment and understanding instead of telling how to be submissive. All forms of submission are unique and personal expressions of your best self. You can take lessons and go through training to learn how to be a better you.)

Emergence is not a process of ‘becoming’ but a process of spiritual birth. The submissive exists at the core of the being. They are. They exist. At some point the submissive begins tearing down the walls of their ‘shell’ or ‘egg’ to reveal or give birth to themselves in their natural form. Many things can act to aid the submissive in this process of emergent birth through tools of understanding, new pathways of thought and the support of others who have emerged before them in words of encouragement and embracement. But, the actual shape or design of the individual cannot be molded at actualization. If this were true it would mean that again the submissive can be ‘created’ from something that it isn’t.

Emergence is not the action of molding, training, modeling or shaping of some indistinct mass but instead the simple straight forward casting off of the ill-fitting expectations and assumptions of those surrounding them, the removal of things which no longer work for the individual but have been outgrown and need to be discarded or removed. Revealing of the core requires that the individual face and confront at every juncture those things which have produced and maintained the shell inside of which they have hidden from view. These things are personal fears of the judgment of others, shame in the inner belief of the purity of the self, guilt in the inability to truthfully adhere to the desires and needs of others expectations of them and finally pain.

This is a removal of the tools used to control the individual. The tools used to keep the individual within the shell, in hiding. Weak! True voluntary submission at its pinnacle occurs when the individual is no longer controllable. At a moment when the submissive is clean and free of all of the debris of their lives, no longer needing anything to be who they are. In that moment when they are free of all controls, needs, desires, wishes, wants and expectations their offering of service unto their personal belief is cleansed.

A cleansed submissive is an indomitable force. Invulnerable to the temptations and manipulations of the world and others around them. An offering of this purity of being, this force within is without any question the greatest gift that can ever be offered from one human being to another.

A Dominant can train a monkey to bob and weave and run around for treats. If this realm were merely about the offering of the body for the entertainment or sustenance of the illusion of submission then any actor could fill the role and play the game. After all, treats are cheap.

But this isn’t about the simple offering of the body, or the offering of easy things. Is it?

Written by F.R.R. Mallory – also known as Mistress Steel. This article may be excerpted from Extreme Space, The Domination and Submission Handbook, Safe, Sane and Consensual, Dangerous Choices or other books by F.R.R. Mallory and shared here with her permission. Please click on the book title for information on how you can order a copy of these books and others by F.R.R. Mallory.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on June 08, 2015 07:00

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks,

Summer is a busy time for me. I’m able to get out in the community. I’m working on my presentation skills so that I can someday be a presenter for more than my local munch groups. This month I’m presenting an hour long class on processing pain. I’m nervous, I need to practice and I hope that I’ll be able to get everything important into one hour. My words flow well on ink and paper and digital ink, but I’ve always had a struggle getting the same words out of my mouth. I hope that through practice I can reach a decent level of expertise here as well.

Have you heard the news yet? The Summer of Weekend Giveaways has started! This weekend’s giveaway is a Plunge Paddle by Tantus. Enter to win by midnight CST tonight! Don’t miss it. Subscribe to the site if you haven’t already so that you can get the notices every Thursday of the new giveaway.

As with all of Submissive’ Guide’s giveaways, you only need to enter your email address to win. Winners must be 18+ to win. Some giveaways are restricted to US or US/Canada only and will be marked if there are limitations.

Giveaways run from Thursday through Sunday every week this summer until we run out of prizes!

Join the growing list of supporters and fans!
Servers Upgraded! Thank you for the support. Next Goal: Monthly Webinars

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Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

But I Don’t Like Pain! Learning to See the Eroticism in Pain as Pleasure
Learning Your Way Around the Kitchen-Brownies Without a Box by tequilarose
Weekend Giveaway: Plunge Paddle from Tantus (1 Winner)
Two Bodies Revolving Around a Core: The Slow Dance of a BDSM Long-Distance Relationship by Vikki Heaven

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Ask lunaKM Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

Ask lunaKM – Do My Sexual Needs Not Matter?
My boyfriend and I have decided to enter into a D/s relationship as fully as we can. Though I love serving myDom, I find myself resentful that, mostly, sex involves his orgasms and not mine. Very rarely does he seem interested in my pleasure at all or trying to connect my pleasure with my pain. Also, he doesn’t provide any after care though spanks long and hard at times. When I try to talk with him about these things, he either finds me disrespectful or mentions that he is pleasing me by allowing me to experience pain and a feeling of being used. As I’m new to the D/s scene, do I need to accept that my pleasure is not a consideration in our relationship? Am I out of line?

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2014: Positive Pain Processing Interview is Out Now on KinkyCast!
In 2013: This is Not a Game – BDSM is My Life by tequilarose
In 2012: Ask SehAnru | Protocol For Giving Your Dominant a Gift
In 2011: 36 Ten Minute Meals For When Time Is Short by MGBunny
In 2010: Are You Cut Out to Be Submissive?

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

What do you do if your trust has been broken?
What would you do if you were told you only had one year left to live?
You cannot grow unless you are willing to change.
Do you procrastinate, or are you always ahead of schedule? Is it difficult to adjust your habits to someone else’s preference if they are procrastinators and you are not, or vice versa?
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!

Featured Podcast of the Week – Kinky and Curious

KaC048 – BS’ing about PXS’ing

4 Jun 2015, 8:10pm GMT

→ Kinky and Curious – BS’ing with Barak & Sheba

What a month! PXS was this past weekend? and we are still raving about it! So, most of this episode of the Kinky & Curious Podcast ? BSing with Barak & Sheba is all about it! Plus, we BS more about the national opening of COPE – and all the tickets, info, and wildness that is coming. There was so much to talk about, we didn?t even get to a question? but who cares? It?s BSing after all. What did we get to? Well? Victorian Style Power Exchange Barak the Observer and Sheba gets immersed What do you mean, Queen takes Knight? Who are Kevin & katie, and Ms Brenda and arcane? Plus ? we talk all about the BIG Space Announcement; COPE Tickets, Where we have been, where we are going, the ex…

MP3 audio (37MB, 40min)

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Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on June 07, 2015 10:00

Two Bodies Revolving Around a Core: The Slow Dance of a BDSM Long-Distance Relationship

This is a guest post by Vikki Heaven.

I realise I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve put my head on my lover’s chest and sobbed “but we’re in love, why can’t we just be together.” He soothes me and tells me that the mathematical improbability of us even finding each other makes our meeting the hardest part, and we’ve already achieved it. He says every thing else is downhill compared to that fact. I allow his words to wash over me. Sometimes it helps, sometimes I continue to stamp my little feet and pull a frowny face at the universe.

It strikes me how many thousands and millions of people must feel the same way. We live in a world where some of us living on the planet are lucky enough to have access to the technology that makes the distance seem tiny. Sometimes we feel connected and forget the distance, other times I feel like a 17th century sailor’s wife lighting a candle at the window every night to guide my lover home to me.

So, we all agree: long distance is hard.

But what I’ve struggled to find in my search for solidarity and consolation on this subject is BDSM-specific tales of LD (Long Distance) relationships. For there are certainly very specific nuances for a long-term relationship conducted this way.

My DaddyDom and I met in a creativewriting forum, we hit it off and when we each became single the fireworks started privately. We’ve grown so much together, shaking off the shackles of the relationships we used to be in and donning the liberating collar of the new. But there have been times when I’ve longed for guidance from the BDSM community and it’s just so hard to find when you’ve just moved house and aren’t integrated into the local community yet. So I thought I’d write this blog in the hopes that it opens conversation for those who need it.

Heady Days

My Daddy and I are lucky in that we both have really strong imaginations. In the heady early days we found no problems in imagining being physically together. Skype, FaceTime, iTexts, all were used to create elaborate sex scenes, intimate love scenes, and real time chat in which we revelled in each other. Discovering that our sexual preferences fit together perfectly was a revelation too he likes to see fear in my eyes and I’m delighted not to have to hide it and be a brave girl. I love being taken care of and being a Littlegirl is a balm to the soul when I have to put on a strong façade in all other aspects of my life. And of course, Daddy loves the adoration and it’s wonderful to relish in that instead of worrying about coming off ‘too needy’. So, yeah: it works.

Sexy Time

I should call this section ‘Sexy Time; It’s hard to paddle yourself’. As I mentioned before, it helps to have a good imagination. Daddy gives me instructions and I follow them and it’s surprising how fulfilling this can be, waking up in the morning sore and marked by him makes the distance disappear. You do have to watch out for Bottomdrop though. Learning to incorporate the time to soothe me and put me in a safe place after play was another game changer. Now even if I don’t get drop after subspace I still love the aftercare and Daddy does too.

This brings me to the importance of routine. No matter what time zone he’s in, Daddy always puts me to bed. Makes sure I’ve had a wash and brushed my teeth and have my soft bonds on my ankles and my snuggly next to me. We talk often during the day when he wakes up, and whenever our schedules meet up (which is several times a day) but bedtime is our favourite and is never missed. It brings a feeling of security and is very important.

Meeting

Meeting was terrifying! Making real your fantasies is a daunting experience. I was in bits about it.

But it was amazing as he knew it would be! Being a fulltime slave for a week was everything I thought it could be. It was so good that he came back again only 6 weeks later a huge commitment given that he is literally on the other side of the world.

My brain did a few things to destroy my own happiness I am female after all, and British to boot: happiness is unsettling. I wondered what his faults could be, looked for and found some. Went into autopilot for a while so I could just ‘be’ and stop trying to sabotage things. But ultimately, it was real, it was awesome, and we entered a new phase:

Learning to be apart again.

We’re here now, and it sucks. We know we are happy together. We know this will take a looooooong time and a LOT of money to achieve. It is ROUGH. If he spends the money to visit it will be taken out of the savings we need to be together forever. He will also be away for work all summer with no internet (he’s military), and that’s going to suuuuuck. Privacy issues mean our play time is limited and it’s hard not to have that connection. But we never miss bedtime and we talk on the phone all the time. It’s hard to go back to cyber when we’ve had the real thing. Neither of us are great at being patient, so right now times are hard. But the occasional bratting and ‘play with me Daddy?’ keeps us grounded and we soldier on.

Surrogate?

The idea has been discussed that maybe we get a surrogate, but again this is not a simple decision. I don’t want Daddy playing with others. I know he can’t do vanilla as his Dom would always kick in, making sexual encounters a tightrope walk of consent for him. Going to a safe play space and letting out his sadist on a willing sub is fine, but penetration is another matter. I also just don’t want him to Dom anyone but me. And that’s how I feel.

I’ll probably be treated to a domina, hopefully as a regular treat. We hope it will allow Daddy to set a scene and watch it performed, but I’ll let you know how that goes.

The hardest thing for me as a submissive is that I’ve always had a problem saying no when I arouse desire in others. I’m not overly attractive, but I do have a sexual pull on people, I’m self-aware enough to know this as fact and not arrogance. It leads to folks feeling a pull of sexual desire towards me that can be very animal, but if they’re not self-aware enough to know it is a dominant response, then sex will be unfulfililng for me at least. There are times I’d like to have someone in my bed, to share a physical embrace and to fulfill a sexual itch, but, as with so much in the BDSM life, it’s a tightrope walk of consent.

So, that’s where we are right now.

I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences. @vikkiheaven on twitter or email littlevikkiheaven@gmail.com

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on June 05, 2015 07:00

Weekend Giveaway: Plunge Paddle from Tantus (1 Winner)

Welcome to the first of many weekly giveaways here on Submissive Guide! If you are not subscribed to the site, this is the perfect time to do so. Don’t miss a single week of exciting prizes!

Tantus has offered a lovely paddle for one lucky winner in our first giveaway of the summer!

Enter now for your chance to win this paddle from Tantus!

This giveaway is open internationally. Anyone can enter!

Tantus’ Plunge Paddle is a multi-use 100% Ultra-Premium Silicone product that has a perfectly placed insertable bulbous head, smooth shaft, and an arousing paddle, for sensuous and exhilarating fun all in one magnificent design. Tantus’ Plunge Paddle has an insertable handle, boasting 6” of length, and 1.25” of gripping girth. The paddle provides a quick switch to lascivious foreplay, bawdy afterplay, and everything in between, giving you the ultimate toy for your toy box.

Make sure to show Tantus some love and check out their website, Facebook page, Tumblr and Twitter.

Would you like to win a Plunge Paddle? Just click on the graphic below and type in your email address. This giveaway ends Sunday June 7th, at 11:59 pm, CST. One winner will be chosen and posted on this post on Tuesday.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on June 04, 2015 07:00