Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 52

Book Review: The Ritual of Dominance & Submission: A Guide to High Protocol Dominance & Submission

the-ritual-of-dominance-submission-400x400

One of the more selective skills of a D/s relationship is protocol. Many of the misconceptions is that it’s hard to do and that only the more serious power exchange relationships participate. KnyghtMare and I have some moderate protocol all the time since I love it and he likes control so anytime he gets opportunity to take control the better. So I wanted to do some more reading. One of the books suggested to me on protocol was The Ritual of Dominance & Submission: A Guide to High Protocol Dominance & Submission by David English.

The initial chapters of this book had me a bit perplexed. David English says that high protocol is a secret society in many BDSM communities and that the members are often not a part of the broader BDSM community. The author makes it seem like this thing he speaks of is so secretive when there are MAsT (Masters And slaves Together) chapters all over the world. Here in the Midwest that doesn’t seem to be the case so perhaps where the author is located the people interested in higher protocol relationships are less likely to be a part of the larger community. It’s certainly not some secret society.

But it does take a lot more commitment and dedication to apply protocol to a D/s relationship on the level that is discussed in the book. I appreciate that the author covers a lot of the psychology of the submissive during the protocol as well as the mental conditioning that happens. So much of any BDSM book is the actions involved and rarely do we learn what impact this might have on the Dominant and submissive. Each of the steps to building a protocol level that works for your particular relationship has the psychology of it drawn out for you so you can see what impact it may have on your relationship before implementation.

Now, a large part of this book is dedicated to providing examples and detailed descriptions of protocol that you could apply to your own relationship. There are methods for teaching it to the submissive, using it in private and D/s public situations as well as the mental and emotional impact on the submissive and the value to the Dominant for each protocol addition. Keeping in mind that the focus is high protocol, the detail is great and anyone can downgrade the attention to detail or specifics to suit their own style if they choose. Training programs are covered, but I personally would like to remind people who formalized training doesn’t have to happen in the same way as this book, again it focuses on higher protocol relationships. Adding any level of protocol to your relationship can be useful and learning it will require a time period of practice – essentially the training program dumbed down for the casual or moderate level user.

One thing that was quite annoying throughout was the number of grammatical and editing errors within the book. Some of the book could have been trimmed down just by removing all of the fluff and flowery language used and it would be been a more succinct and direct book. If you are a grammar nerd you might want to turn that off for the duration of reading. The book was created and published by the author, without the aid of an editor and while it shows, quite blatantly in some places, the content is worth reading.

I’m not giving this a higher rating because it was hard to get into the book since the author starts out with making high protocol sound impossible to achieve and that groups are secret societies that no one will ever find, but also because there’s no clear details on how to get started for the beginner in high protocol. It is written with the assumption that you already know about protocol and just need to up the level to a more formal degree and while that’s great for those few people who are there; the majority of people interested in protocol don’t have any amount of prior experience and simply have an aching desire to add it to their own dynamic. The book could have done a bit more to help that section of the BDSM public out.

If you are interested in protocol and want to read about high protocol and what it might look like in your dynamic I suggest you give this book a try. The attention to detail will have you learning about positions, verbal and hand cues, formal dining parties and so much more.

Product Details

lunaKM’s Rating: 7/10
Paperback: 302 pages
Publisher: CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform (July 6, 2012)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 147819913X
ISBN-13: 978-1478199137
Buy your copy from Amazon.com!

Related Posts:
Telling the Difference Between a Ritual and a Protocol
What is Protocol?
High Tea, Japanese Tea Ceremony and Formal Dining
What is Situational Service?
Review: Protocols: a Variety of Views

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on June 26, 2015 07:00

Weekend Giveaway: 1 Free Month to PassionateU (1 Winner)

This weekend, Princess Kali is giving away a free 1 month membership to PassionateU for one lucky Submissive Guide Reader!

Enter now for your chance to win 30 days of access to one of the best sites for enhancing your lovemaking and romantic experiences!

From their about page:

PassionateU.com offers authentic, straightforward sexual education and instruction.

That’s the short version. Here’s the long one:

I’ve found that many adults are interested in learning how to be better and more adventurous lovers, but they don’t know where to go for advice. Books are sometimes helpful, but it’s still a lot of guesswork when it comes to putting techniques into action. There’s an enormous difference between being told how to perform oral sex on a woman and actually seeing the technique in action.

And there’s a lot that can go wrong if you just try to guess at it.

That’s why I created Passionate U. I built it to cover the wide spectrum of human sexuality – everything from the basics like how to communicate and what makes a good kiss, all the way up to S&M and trying out different sex toys. The site experts are all experienced in their fields, and explain techniques in detail as they demonstrate them, so you can feel more confident putting them into action in your own play.

If there’s something – anything – about your sexuality that you want to learn, you’ll find it here. If you can’t find your topic covered in the videos we’ve already created, I hope you’ll get in touch with me and let me know that you’re interested in a course on a specific technique.

That said, new videos every week are being edited every week, so you may find your topic is already in the works and will be appearing soon!

My one rule? Be afraid of nothing. We embrace all sexual orientations, backgrounds, fetishes, and experiences. My sole mission is to help you have a more satisfying sex life – whatever that means to you.

-Kali Williams

Take a glance at their free clips if you are still on the fence about the quality of the education.

If you’ve wanted to go to become a better lover, it takes just 10 minutes a day. Check out PassionateU!

Would you like to win a 1 month membership to PassionateU? Just click on the graphic below and type in your email address. This giveaway ends Sunday June 28th, at 11:59 pm, CST. One winner will be chosen and posted on Tuesday.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on June 25, 2015 07:00

Ask lunaKM – How Do I Stay Positive While Single?

Dear lunaKM,

I’m not sure how to start really but I guess at the beginning is the best. I’m at the point in my life where I’m acknowledging to myself that I’m a Submissive and that the missing part that I’ve been searching for is someone who can help me.

Before I even thought about it, I’ve tried dating perfectly normal guys but no one feels right to me. My girlfriends always tell me I’m too picky or my standards were too high…and while I agree with them but cant bring myself to give my control up. So now I hold my own leash until my Sir comes along.

Any ideas on how to keep the depression down until He finds me?

Thanks a bunch,
vixen

Hi vixen

Being single is hard. It’s been a long time since I was single but I can certainly sympathize with the frustration you are feeling while you search for your Dominant. You are right that dating vanilla guys is probably not going to make you happy, but sometimes you will find a Dominant in a vanilla guy so don’t knock it. And your girlfriends just don’t understand. You have to have standards and there is no reason to lower your standards.

Don’t wait for him, be active on searching. You are in charge of your own destiny. If you want to find a Dominant you have to go where they mingle. Munch groups, social gatherings, online and so many other places are where you should be mingling too if you want to find a Dominant.

Finding a Dominant

Keep busy. Depression breeds in idle heads. Pick up a hobby. Do some home repairs. Plan more outings with friends. Do things that keep your mind busy or your fingers active. Brewing on the fact you haven’t found a Dominant yet won’t make it happen and it won’t help your depression either.

Managing Depression

Continue to research and explore submissive topics and kink topics. You don’t have to have a Dominant to learn more about yourself and the kinks you wish to explore. There are hundreds of books, and even more websites that you can read and learn and understand what it is you want in your life and your preferences for kink.

Where to Start

If you are social, join a local BDSM munch group. That’s right. FetLife is a huge online social site that works great for people who aren’t sure about face to face yet. Granted it’s harder to find a Dominant if you don’t meet them. So go to a munch. It’s usually in a public place and no one dresses kinky. It’s like a dinner with friends.

Find Your Tribe

Good luck, keep your head up and you will find someone you can explore with.

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on June 24, 2015 07:00

The Best Part About Submission is Our Ability to Choose

If asked what the best part about submission is there are a million ways to answer. The feeling of completeness when we find the right Dominant. The silencing of all the noise in our minds. The ability to relax knowing that someone we trust is in charge. The love and devotion we feel when we serve.

Would you believe me if I told you the best part of submission is our ability to choose?

Me? I’m a 24/7 submissive, a babygirl, and a masochist, with little tendencies, although I don’t identify as any specific age or age range. I call my Dominant “Daddy” and he’s both a sadist and a bit primal (so am I from time to time). We’ve taken multiple labels, found what worked for us, and incorporated them all into our relationship. And every so often, we learn something new, try it out, and add that in to the mix.

I often refer to BDSM as a kinky buffet. You take a little of this, a little of that, and try them all. You only go back for what works for you. It helps when you and your partner are on the same page about what you like and don’t like, but even when you’re not, you’re able to create something completely unique to you.

Submission is different for everyone.

Find 100 D/s relationships, and you’ll find 100 different ways to do something. No two relationships are alike, and that’s the beauty of it all. We really are all unique little snowflakes in this lifestyle.

Before you reject a label or a type of submission (think slave, furry, little, whatever), look into it at least a little. Read about what those labels really mean. You might still know that you’re definitely not a slave or a kitten, but you might find elements that interest you. Once you do, talk to your partner about how to incorporate those into your relationship.

Try out new things. Experiment and be creative. When you’re done, you’ll have your own brand of submission that’s completely unique to you, and, hopefully, fulfills you in ways you never thought possible.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on June 23, 2015 07:00

[Video Post] Improving Your Submission: Identify Your Focus

Every submissive everywhere has asked this question at one time or another, whether that be to themselves, to their partner or to a mentor like myself.

How do I improve my submission?

The challenge with answering this question is that it’s such a broad, generic question. It’s almost impossible for any non-invested person to answer. That’s why I want to help you figure out for yourself how to answer this question.

It starts out with knowing what sort of submissive you are. Can you describe the things you do for your Dominant as a part of your submission to them? Take a moment to make a list that you can refer to. For example, I know that I have a lot of domestic, sexual, masochistic and personal assistant tasks I do for KnyghtMare to make his life better. I could make pages of things that I do for him and you should be able to do so also. If you have difficulty coming up with defining your submission, ask your partner for help. You really need to know what you do as a part of your submission if you plan to improve yourself further.

Why do you feel you need to improve?

Other than the human drive to constantly improve, why have you chosen your submission to improve? Is there something your Dominant has questioned or mentioned that they’d like if you knew more about? Do you feel stagnant in your current place and want more options in ways you can serve? Maybe you’ve made a lot of mistakes recently and wish to work on the things that you don’t have down yet. Or perhaps you just don’t know the answer to the question.

Who are you improving for?

Is this a personal need to improve or are you being asked to improve by your Dominant? The drive to improve can come from many different outlets and knowing where this drive is coming from can help you figure out what improvements need to be made so that you can lay out the steps required to make the changes in your life that you wish to do. If this is a personal wish for improvement you’ll have a wider selection, most likely, of things you can work towards. A Dominant may already know exactly what he wants you to work on – so make sure you’ve talked with them about it!

Identify Weaknesses and Room for Change

While you are talking to your partner, ask them if there are things they’d like to see you improve upon. There’s no reason to go at this blind. If they ask you to improve your blow job skills, and you work more on home care items, who are you really improving for? Remember why you are doing this. It’s to make your life fuller for the betterment of the relationship and for pleasing your partner. So don’t go at this task alone. Get their input. Don’t be offended by their answers. Remember you asked for them to tell you where they feel you could improve. This isn’t the time to go ballistic over your weaknesses. You ASKED for their input. Write it all down.

If your Dominant says that there is nothing they see the need for improvement on right now, accept that. We all want to improve in something so pick something you would like to learn or increase your skill with and ask your Dominant if they wouldn’t mind if you worked on that. Keep in mind why you want to improve to begin with. Don’t work on submissive positions, for example, if your Dominant will never use them. (Unless you just want to know them for the sake of knowing some. Knowledge for knowledge sake.) Your choice in focus doesn’t have to be relationship directed either. If you’ve always wanted to be better at writing, or a hobby you have, or baking, or anything else you can seek education and improvement with those things to better yourself as an individual.

By now you’ve probably been able to find a few things you could work on specifically that will improve your submission and if not they will improve you as an individual. Save that list. We’ll talk about what to do with it and how to start working with it in the next video.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on June 22, 2015 14:00

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks,

The summer heat is finally here. While I don’t look forward to the 90′s and 100′s we’ll feel soon enough I enjoy the sun and the flowers and the happiness that seem to permeate everything this season. I purchased a pop-up sun shade for the balcony because we get direct North West sun all afternoon. This way I can sit outside and enjoy without getting burned. The kitties like sitting on the balcony too! Loki is a trouble maker and getting into everything and Maximus likes to just sun all day long.

What do you enjoy about summer?

This Weekend’s Giveaway – Autographed copy of Living M/s by Dan and dawn Williams!

Have you heard the news yet? The Summer of Weekend Giveaways has started! This weekend’s giveaway is a signed copy of Living M/s by Dan and dawn Williams. Enter to win by midnight CST tonight! Don’t miss it. Subscribe to the site if you haven’t already so that you can get the notices every Thursday of the new giveaway.

As with all of Submissive’ Guide’s giveaways, you only need to enter your email address to win. Winners must be 18+ to win. Some giveaways are restricted to US or US/Canada only and will be marked if there are limitations.

Giveaways run from Thursday through Sunday every week this summer until we run out of prizes!

Join the growing list of supporters and fans!
Servers Upgraded! Thank you for the support. Next Goal: Monthly WebinarsI work hard to write and produce the content and I don’t ask for much in return. Supporting the site is a small way you can show me that you appreciate my efforts. If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a patron of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $3 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation.Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

Always Getting in Trouble – Submissive Meditation Monday
Submitting in a Long Distance Relationship: Missing You by kallista
Weekend Giveaway: Living M/s by Dan and Dawn Williams (1 Winner)
A Discussion of Anatomy: The Vagina by andiccee

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask lunaKM Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

Ask lunaKM – Rebuilding Body Confidence

I’m hoping that you can give some good insight.
You discussed in one of your videos, the need to be vulnerable. My biggest barrier is how I view my body. I’m full-figured and just assume that there isn’t any man on earth that would want me. I just make the assumption and behave as though they have already rejected me. Makes me so sad because I shut everyone down before anything can happen. I know that you’re not afraid and have confidence. How did you get to that point?
Help…

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2014: Ask lunaKM – How Do You BDSM Sext?
In 2013: A Slave’s Longing – Not Quite Frenzy by charmed blyss
In 2012: Initial Steps Into Orgasm on Command Training
In 2011: Know Thyself, Don’t Rush Into a Relationship Until You Know These Six Things
In 2010: Morning Rituals

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

Do you feel slavehood is a calling?
Have you ever been part of a poly dynamic? Did you enjoy it? Would you be in one again?
“You set the standard for how people will treat and regard you, by how you treat and regard yourself.” –Bryant McGill
One popular idea is that slaves have no choices once they are owned. Others do not agree with this concept. Is this an accurate statement for you?
Do you beg? How do you feel when you do?
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!

Featured Podcast of the Week – The People of Kink – MY INTERVIEW

LunaKM

14 Jun 2015, 5:00am GMT

→ The People of Kink

Luna is a slave but she is more in control of her life than most. She is very involved in her local community. She runs a website called www.submissiveguide.com where she tries to help subs, slave, and bottoms too. She writes and wears many hats in all of her endeavours. If that’s not enough she has begun to do some presenting too. Luna personifies what it means to be involved and of service to her community.

MP3 audio (77MB, 56min)

Podcast RSS

iTunes subscribe

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on June 21, 2015 10:00

A Discussion of Anatomy: The Vagina

Vagina. Pussy. Cunt. Twat. Poochy. Whoo-ha. Down there.

We have a ton of words for the vagina, but the average person knows very little about this aspect of the human anatomy, which is pretty amazing considering how integral it is to your day-to-day life. So I figured that I would write an overview of information about the vagina, because some of you may be interacting with vaginas regularly – your own, your partner’s, or both, or maybe you are just interesting because vaginas ARE interesting.

First off, vaginas and penises are both genitalia. They tell you your SEX, not your gender. Gender is a social construct and is how you define yourself in your head. Sex is on the spectrum ranging from male to female. Gender is on the spectrum from man to woman. (Gender expression, which is how you present yourself in dress and actions ranges from masculine to feminine). Quick note: people can have both male and female genitalia or hormones that are not in sync with the genitalia that they have, which is called intersex, not hermaphrodite (hermaphrodite is seen as very, very disrespectful).

Now, vagina is usually referred to in a pretty broad way meaning almost anything between a female’s legs, but this is not the case. The vagina only refers to the actual inside of the hole that is the vagina. The labia majora and minora (the lips… or as my partner and I call them, petals), the urethra (where pee comes out), and the anus are not part of the vagina.

The following diagram shows all the individual parts of the anatomy:

Now that we know the parts that we are talking about, let’s dive in.

First of all, when a vagina is aroused the muscles in the vagina relax. These muscles can be tightened, which happens naturally when you orgasm, by practicing with kaegles or ben-waa balls (both of which help you tighten when you want to). When people say, however, that they are only having sex with ‘tight pussies’ that means that they are having sec with unaroused pussies and they are doing something wrong. Vaginas also hold their form really well. After childbirth, or the insertion of something very large, the vagina may take some time to return to its original shape, but even then it will go back – a process which can be sped by kaegles and the ben waa balls.

Vaginas also secrete a mucus when they are aroused – which is why you ‘get wet’. Different females have a different consistency and texture of their mucus and different stages in the menstrual cycle generate differences as well. If there is a noticeable change in scent, color, or texture you should talk to your doctor as this could be a sign of a problem, but some discharge and wetness when aroused is normal.

Vaginas all have different smells, and they do have an odor, but this is not a bad thing. Having that slight odor means your vagina is doing what it is supposed to do. Using a spray to make it smell better is actually NOT GOOD because the spray changes the pH of your vagina which can allow for bacteria to grow and yeast infections of urinary tract infections (if the bacteria spreads to the urethra) to occur. Douching is also very bad for your body – do not do it.

If you think your vagina is smelly use a pH sensitive soap and a washcloth and clean the outside of it gently. Dove is an example of a soap that is good for this. Bathing regularly and after exercise or sex will help reduce the smell. When semen is left in the vagina, there is typically a strong foul odor that comes from this – so be aware of this as well.

The Clitoris

Now the clit is something that most people have a very hard time understanding, but it is an important tool for sex. Females actually can almost never come without clitoral stimulation. Now before you get angry that you can orgasm from insertion, wait! We are getting to that.

The clit has three times as many nerve endings as the penis, so even though it is much smaller, it does generate a lot of sensation. Everyone’s nerves may be aligned slightly differently, some parts of your clit may be more sensitive than someone else’s, and you may like some sensations better than others – play around by yourself and with your partner and figure out what feels best for you!

Now – here is a diagram of the clitoris. As you can see, the part of the clitoris on the outside of the body is only a small piece of the whole entity. The part of your clitoris that can be seen from the outside is, obviously, very sensitive. Sensitivity increases when it is touched or rubbed because blood rushes to the area causing it to swell (just like a penis). If the external clitoris is rubbed for too long, it can become painful – so make sure you are communicating with your partner and stopping if this is the case, if you continue to touch it can lead to nerve damage.

So the clitoris is much more than the outside piece and can actually be touched through the vagina. The ‘G-spot’ that is said to be (1) hard to find and (2) able to give female’s orgasms through magic is actually just part of the internal clitoris.

Now, the ‘G-spot’ is located two to three inches into the vagina on the front wall, so if your partner is facing you, then would pull their fingers back towards themselves. Curl the fingers in a ‘come hither’ motion over and over. When your partner is on this spot, you will know – play around with it and see how it feels. So those of you who are cumming from insertion – I told you it was still the clitoris.

Obviously, this is not magic – your partner is catching a part of your body that is dense with nerve endings. Yay! The more you and your partner experiment with this, the more it will make sense. Be vocal – tell them what feels good and what doesn’t. Explore your body with a mirror, know what feels best on your own and then work with your partner to incorporate that into play.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on June 19, 2015 07:00

Weekend Giveaway: Living M/s by Dan and Dawn Williams (1 Winner)

This week’s prize is from Dan and Dawn Williams, who have graciously donated a signed copy of their book, Living M/s: A Book for Masters, slaves, and Their Relationships. This is a fantastic book written by a fantastic couple. If the names sound familiar, you probably know them from their podcast, Erotic Awakening, and if you haven’t checked out their podcast, it’s something you’ll definitely want to do. lunaKM also chose this book for the Submissive Guide Book Club a couple of years ago and you can also check out her review of the book here.

This contest is for US readers only.

This book is a valuable resource for those interested in real-time Total Power Exchange Relationships. Dan and dawn share the reality behind the lifestyle that so many only fantasize about. This is a book based on the experience of a couple, who has been living together as Master and slave for well over a decade and covers such topics as: challenges of living as a M/s couple; building your own M/s dynamic; changing terminology; the communities of M/s and BDSM and how they dance together (and apart); styles of D/s and M/s; Ms and polyamory; leather; orchestrating situations with multiple slaves, as well as many other topics.

Make sure to show Dan and Dawn some love and check out their website, Facebook page and Twitter.

Would you like to win an autographed copy of Living M/s? Just click on the graphic below and type in your email address. This giveaway ends Sunday, June 21st at 11:59 pm, CST. One winner will be chosen and posted on this post on Tuesday.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on June 18, 2015 07:00

Ask lunaKM – Rebuilding Body Confidence

Hi Luna,
I’m hoping that you can give some good insight.
You discussed in one of your videos, the need to be vulnerable. My biggest barrier is how I view my body. I’m full-figured and just assume that there isn’t any man on earth that would want me. I just make the assumption and behave as though they have already rejected me. Makes me so sad because I shut everyone down before anything can happen. I know that you’re not afraid and have confidence. How did you get to that point?
Help…

Thank You
For your time
Mary

Hi Mary,

It has taken me almost 20 years to get to the confidence level I have with my body image. I am obese but that doesn’t ruin my identity any longer. I am not my weight. My weight does not define me. These very words were used to chant in the mirror for weeks if not months as I found parts of my body that I didn’t hate and focused on them. It took a long time for me to feel comfortable so I can’t say how long it will take you to overcome your own barriers. If your body image is affecting your everyday life, you could find therapy helpful.

I mentioned a focus task that I used to help me learn to love myself. Every day I’d look in the full length mirror and found one part of my body that I liked and focused on it while repeating the phrases above to reaffirm a positive self-image.

Of course, your own personal work might not be enough. How do the people around you support you? Are they negative? If they are, I’d consider cutting what ties I could. There’s no reason to be with people who constantly tell you that you are fat, or that you’d look pretty if only…. It’s hard to tell family that you are distancing yourself, but a single negative comment could undo a ton of work.

This isn’t to say that once you’ve improved your outlook that you can’t rebound. There are days that I still hate my body or that I don’t like the way clothing fits. But I don’t let that get me down for long. I redo the mirror exercise and the meditation to try to reclaim my confidence.

Here are more tips and ideas for improving your body confidence:

6 Ways to Boost Your Body Confidence
10 Secrets to Body Confidence
Body Confidence Tips

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on June 17, 2015 07:00

Submitting in a Long Distance Relationship: Missing You

Intro: Where were we again?

It might be in poor taste to pick up where I left off after nearly a two-year hiatus from Submissive Guide, but I felt that long distance relationships was as appropriate as any to begin with, if not a little ironic. My Dominant and I are on the cusp of a huge change in the dynamics of our relationship—we will finally be living in the same country, rendering us only Slightly Long Distance rather than Five Time Zones Away Long Distance. It’s a slightly daunting, wildly expensive process (and one that will be worth all of the worldly goods I could give up and spend). The transition is something I want to record as part of this series because, likely, there will come a time when you, too, will decide that you’re ready for the bonds of your long distance commitment to shorten and draw you and your Dom closer together. My actual transition has yet to come (I’ll spend this summer moving and resigning myself to the care of my Dom and should officially settle in to my own place by September), so this article serves as a fanatic sayonara to the one aspect of my long distance relationship that I shall never miss: dealing with my partner’s absence.

“I know we’ve never met, but I kind of … miss you?”

By far, the most difficult, draining part of a long distance relationship is knowing that the person you’ve committed yourself to is beyond your reach. If, like me, you began your relationship online, you might feel a little silly when you realize that you’ve been kind of mopey the last few days because you miss your partner.

“I’ve never met this person,” you say to yourself. “I can’t possibly miss them if I’ve never met them.”

Actually, as it turns out, you can. Intellectual and physical stimulus inspire the release of a hormonal cocktail (endorphins, oxytocin or “the cuddle hormone,” most notably) which results in that sudden flush of happiness you feel when something good happens to you. The thing is that your body isn’t actually smart enough to realize when the stimulant is actually sitting in front of you, or when it’s half way across the world.

As an example, let’s ponder chocolate. Chocolate is probably the most notable, non-drug substance that releases endorphins when consumed (this is why many individuals turn to chocolate when they’re upset about something; it’s actually a form of self-medication!). Whether you have the candy bar in your hot little hand, or you’re daydreaming about that bag of Lindt’s white chocolate truffles sitting on your kitchen counter at home doesn’t actually matter to your body. Your brain goes through an elaborate process to imagine the sweet, tangy goodness of the candy in question, and your body is rewarded with a nice, little dose of the exact same chemicals that will be released later, when you actually grab those puppies off the counter and scarf them down. The only difference, as I’ve indicated, is the amount of hormone released.

Roughly the same process happens when you’re talking to a person over the internet. Each time you speak, regardless of whether the person is on Skype, on the phone, or some text-based form of communication, you get that little dose of hormones that reinforces your affection for the person.

There is, however, a problem with this: in its simplest form, love is actually an addiction. The amount of endorphins that are released when you speak to your partner remains roughly the same, but as with anything, your body builds up a tolerance to the stimulant (your partner). What this means is that those endorphins have less of an effect on your mood, which, in turn, actually pushes your body into a state of withdrawal.

To keep things simple: that withdrawal is the cause of you “missing” your partner. In the most cynical sense, you’re not so much missing the person as you are missing the chemical release that person usually stimulates. This is the reason why most long distance relationships don’t last. The individual parties no longer get the reinforcement they need to remain invested in the relationship. Luckily, there are a lot of other squishy, hormonal things that go on in your body which can counteract this withdrawal, and being human and possessing human curiosity means that, eventually, the thrilling phrase, “let’s meet” will eventually be uttered, and that tends to give both parties their endorphin fix.

And after you’ve met?

On the same token as above, when you’ve actually met your partner and you’re suddenly confronted with their absence, the casual, kind of mopey feeling can turn into a deep sense of loss. Putting the science of the matter aside, and speaking directly from experience, I was incredibly surprised by how lonely and sad I felt after leaving my partner for the first time. Saying good-bye was difficult, but it’s always been a day or two later, after going to bed and waking up alone, when the absence of my Dom really sinks in.

We were both surprised at how intensely we felt after the first time met. I think we were both under the impression that saying good-bye would be difficult, but once we were back behind our computer screens, we would be able to precede the way we’d been doing for the past year. This was not the case.

Bearing in mind that my Dom and I began exploring the Dominant/submissive dynamic together, and that this was the first, serious relationship for both of us, I expect that suddenly acquiring the physical reinforcement for our relationship, and then being denied that reinforcement less than a week later, made up a good portion of both of our emotions during the first few weeks that I was back at work and school in America. But I anticipate that the participants in any relationship that was started long distance, regardless of whether it’s their first or tenth, will undergo a similar, sweeping sense of sadness when expected to go back to their everyday lives.

How to cope

I don’t want to say that bracing yourself will make your emotions easier to deal with, or make parting from your Dom easier, but understanding that you will feel intense emotions might help you prepare to accommodate for them. This is by no means a foolproof plan. I still cry every time my Dom and I say good-bye, and I still spend several days afterwards moping and being a sad-kitty, but the following has helped me transition back into Long Distance Mode after a getaway with my Dom:

Lingering at the airport does not help. I’m a nervous traveler and like to get to places like airports and bus stations hours early so I can make sure that I have time to scope out the building, figure out where I’m supposed to go, use the restroom, etc. My Dom, on the other hand, lives in some strange time dimension parallel to the rest of the world, but approximately 5-15 minutes behind. I have both spent hours lingering and waiting for boarding, and minutes rushing wildly through the airport trying to get to the plane before it takes off without me. As sad as I am to leave my Dom, and disappointed as I am that our goodbyes couldn’t have been longer it is MUCH easier to have a quick goodbye and be on the journey home.
Likewise, giving yourself “a few days” to recuperate is by no means as effective as it sounds. Last summer, I spent two months with my partner, and then gave myself a week and a half before the school year started so I could get over jet-lag, the mysterious cold I always seem to get after flying, and give myself time to put my clothes back in my closet before I had to go to work. That was the theory anyway. In reality, I spent approximately twelve days laying on my living room floor, staring up at the ceiling, waiting for my heart to catch up with the rest of my body. It was not my most graceful of times. Don’t overwhelm yourself with tasks when you get back, or after your Dom leaves, but make sure you have plans with friends and family, or that you get back to work and school sooner rather than later.
Be open about missing each other. I still tell my Dom almost every day that I miss her. Some days are better than others, but even on the days when we spend hours on Skype, or chatting at each other, I still miss her physical presence, and the little, daily tasks of submission that I performed for her (like making a cup of tea for her, having her put my collar around my neck in the morning, etc.). Sharing that emotion with her, and having it repeated back is cathartic in a lot of ways. It assures me that I’m not alone in how I feel, and keeps a line of communication open between us.
Do try to make plans to see each other again as soon as you can both manage. For many people, money isn’t going to be as big a factor in when you see your Dom as it is for me. Plane tickets are expensive, and while I currently have an excellent work schedule that gives me a lot of vacation time at once, the idea of waiting a whole twelve months to see my Dom again isn’t one that I relish. Even so, establishing a return date, or a date for when my Dom can visit me has always given me something to look forward to, which takes some of the sting out of missing her. Sometimes establishing a date before you leave each other is next to impossible, but if you can manage to do so, it helps to know that there are only X days between saying good-bye and saying hello.
In the meantime, don’t feel ashamed. Missing someone is perfectly normal, and isn’t exclusive to long distance relationships. Even people who live a few minutes from each other can miss the people they’re in relationships with. Understand that, as a Sub, part of your relationship is dependent on many little, physical characteristics that simply cannot transfer completely over the internet or the phone. These ways of communication help, but once you’ve stepped into the physical realm with a person, there are simply things that you will be unable to recreate online. Accept that as part of the bitter-sweet nature of your relationship, and understand that missing those aspects does not make you a needy or bratty sub. It makes you a good, committed sub. There are probably aspects of your physical relationship that your Dom misses as well, so turn it into an exercise. Write your Dom an e-mail expressing the characteristics of your physical relationship that mean something to you, and about the characteristics you miss. Describe to him or her how you would serve and submit if you were there to do so. Ask your Dominant to write you a letter of ilk in response
It does get easier. I don’t want to say the emotion fades, but just like your tolerance to stimuli builds over time, your tolerance to lack of stimuli seems to do the same. Your relationship will shift to accommodate the new emotions that govern it. The dynamic between you and your Dom might change as well, ever so slightly. Rules and rituals that have stood for months may fall away during your time together, and be replaced with new ones. Some of them will carry over, some of them will stay special and for the moments when you’re both with each other.

The Important Part

Missing someone when you aren’t with him or her is a part of being in a relationship with them. Understanding that, by committing yourself to another individual in any relationship, you share a portion of yourself with that person is important in understanding the basic nature of love and commitment. As a partner in a long distance relationship, you must be aware that the gift often means not seeing that portion of your own being for a length of time. This is the challenge. This is why many long distance relationships don’t last. Understanding the hows and whys of missing someone is a big part of being able to cope with what you’re feeling after you’ve said goodbye; being prepared for dealing with those emotions when they come up will help your relationship make it to the next hello.

I’m sure that there are a lot of topics on long distance relationships that I could have covered but which didn’t occur to me. A lot of my future writing for this series is going to deal with the transition from long distance to a more traditional distance, because that’s what I will be undergoing, however I am up for any suggestions you might have for topics of similar nature.

Are there any challenges that you and your Dom seem to be facing due to distance? Are there any aspects you’d like me to cover which I have neglected to? Give me a shout in the comments below.

Until then,

Kallista

Disclaimer:
As usual, I’ve referenced a lot of information picked up by various reading throughout the last few years, and conversations with My Mother the Psych. Major. If you want to read more on the hormones that drive love, and the theory that love can be viewed as an addition, a great place to start is this article: Love Can be an Addiction and perhaps this short little blurb: Oxytocin, Love Hormone Fuels Romance which should both give you some good points of reference in how to proceed in your own research.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on June 16, 2015 07:00