Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 51

Overcoming a Limit (A Reflection)

Creating a list of hard and soft limits is generally one of the first things that we as submissives do when we come the realization that we’re interested in the lifestyle. Sometimes these are long lists and sometimes they’re short, but usually, we have a good idea of the things we’re interested in, the things that make us nervous, and the things we have no desire to touch under any circumstances. The items on these lists tend to shuffle and shift as we explore our desires as a sub, and as we put our fantasies into practice. Sometimes our hard limits become soft limits, and sometimes our soft limits become interests that we want to cultivate and explore.

My Dom has been a real super-star in the five years that she and I have been together. We are each other’s firsts in a lot of ways, and she’s gone above and beyond my expectations in defining and redefining her own hard and soft limits during the time we’ve been together. A lot of our interests from the start seemed to line up fairly nicely, but my Dom has made a couple of key concessions on my behalf over the last five years (for which I am utterly thankful) and in return, I’ve been working hard to overcome one of my firmer limits for her pleasure.

I don’t remember exactly how long ago the conversation was, or what we were doing that inspired it, but it occurred to me about half way through that my Dom was very gently hinting that she liked the aesthetics of a posture collar and would like it if I’d eventually wear one for her.

Despite my willingness to please her, the thought made me exceptionally uncomfortable. My chief concern with the idea of a posture collar wasn’t that I didn’t like the design or the overall effect once on, it was that I have a real issue with things being pressed against my throat for prolonged periods of time. It’s a dislike that borders a phobia–to the point where I rarely wore necklaces before my collar, and certainly never wore my collar to sleep, even though I wore it very loosely throughout the day. Even now, with about three years of work behind me, my every day lock collar hangs loosely at the hollow of my throat rather than pressed against my neck.

Still, I really liked the idea. I think I enjoy being an ornament around the house for my Dom as much as my Dom likes the idea of me being ornamental, and the thought of sitting pretty wearing a posture collar was one that I found exceptionally appealing, even though I hated the idea of wearing something that stiff and that large around my neck.

I think I told her that I would think about it. I’d already expressed my nervousness at the idea and she had expressed her understanding, but I’d already decided that I wanted to be able to please her in that way, so I spent a good hour or so on Google Images looking at posture collars and trying to figure out what made them unsettling for me. It has something to do with where they begin and end, I think. Things that are between four and five fingers wide actually make me more nervous than the collars that come down passed the collar bones and have support for the chin and jaw. Collars that wedge themselves tightly against the jawline without the chin support are still a complete turn off.

At the time, I was wearing a thin, leather bell collar with about two fingers worth of room. I couldn’t wear it to work because it was obviously a collar, so I put it on every day when I got home and took it off when I went to sleep. I thought that maybe wearing a collar that was a little thicker would help make me feel slightly more comfortable with the idea of wearing a posture collar, so I proposed as much to my Dom, and while she looked, I took it upon myself to practice wearing my collar a little tighter.

The next time my Dom visited, she gave me a collar that was twice the width of my bell collar. It’s designed in a way that looks a bit like a chunky, quirky necklace, despite the fact that it has a working padlock on it, and it was loose enough that I didn’t mind wearing it, despite the width and weight. It’s the collar that I wear every day, from the moment that I get up to the moment I go to sleep (though apparently it doesn’t match everything I wear which kills one of my more fashion sensitive friends). As I became more comfortable with the new collar, I decided to start sleeping in it. I prefer to do this when my Dom and I are together, because I figure that it something happens, she’ll have the wherewithal to help me remove it.

I do currently have a collar which is in that scary 4-5 inch range. I’m not able to wear it often because I share a house with family, and when I do wear it, I can’t wear it very tightly. Even so, there are still times when I have to remove it throughout the day for one or two minute intervals to keep from feeling too pent up or anxious about it being strapped to my neck. It’s been about a year and a half since I’ve started working on my discomfort in wearing high collars, and more often than not, it’s frustrating as anything. There are some great collars on the internet that really inspire me to feel more comfortable with wearing posture collars, and it’s often difficult to look at something and want it and feel discomforted by it at the same time. A lot of times, I wish I could just poof my worries away and move on to the next limit I want to get rid of, but it takes a lot of time and effort to make sure that you’re comfortable with new and nerve-wracking experiences.

One of the nicer things that I’ve learned in the year or so is that overcoming my limits is something I’m completely capable of. Stepping out of my comfort zone in my role as a sub isn’t entirely different from stepping out of my comfort zone in other aspects of my life. The old cliché, “slow and steady…” is oddly applicable to overcoming my limits, and my Dom’s constant support is a big reassurance that I’m on the right track, even when I have to ask to remove my collar for whatever reason during the day.

Overcoming limits is a part of the journeys we take as subs. It’s a healthy, often invigorating challenge that I look forward to completing and starting again, because it gives me a good long term goal to strive for when serving my Dom.

Are there any limits that you’re currently working to overcome? What kinds of steps have you taken? Comment below.

Until next time,

Kallista

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Published on July 07, 2015 07:00

Perspectives: Canes

This is another post in the series about a submissive’s perspective in play. This one is on canes and caning, but I’ve also written on gags, spanking, flogging and rope bondage.

My first exposure to canes was that of some amateur porn I stumbled across and it made me so terrified of canes that I vowed never to experience them. They immediately went on my hard limits list and I planned to never change that. Canes are a scary tool in expert hands and dangerous tools in the inexperienced person’s hand. But it doesn’t have to be about pain, although it turned out that way for me. Yum! And now I call canes one of my favorite tools to request during play.

My Initial Fears

Without a doubt, canes were a scary tool for me to see come out of someone’s bag. I’d seen caning on TV and in movies and it didn’t look like it could be a good pain let alone pleasurable at all. It whistled when it was swung, it caused deep welts and bruises on the bodies of those who enjoyed it and the real possibility of cutting and bleeding made it extremely scary for me. I forbid even seeing one when people played with me for a long while.

I thought that my fears were unfounded and irrational because so many of my BDSM friends enjoyed canes. But I did learn that many of my fears were real safety concerns and awareness in the type of play that it was. A novice Top should not wield a cane without some instruction. The sheer depth of strikes that can occur with a cane means you have to understand anatomy better than the cursory no-go zones. You’ll be striking not only the flesh, but could affect the deeper tissues and muscles below. An errant strike could send your bottom to the hospital.

Education was everything to help lift the veil of fear on canes. In the right hands I could see the pleasure and variety of sensation that was being used. Enough that when KnyghtMare was gifted with a cane for one of my birthdays (that’s right, he got the presents) I was less scared than I was initially. He got some instruction, we went to a demonstration and as with all of his toys he tested them on himself and practiced with inanimate objects first. It’s a confidence boost for any bottom to know that your Top is serious about using a tool correctly and safely.

My First Experience

When I first lay down in front of KnyghtMare to receive my first caning I was nervous but confident that I would experience something new and interesting and he had my full trust with the tools before him. I was ready to feel what I was so afraid of. What I learned is that caning doesn’t have to be like those scary porn videos and the corporal punishment stories I’d heard on the news. His caning was erotic and the sensations were much like a flogger and a paddle but more refined and focused in a smaller area. Depending on how hard he struck or what thickness cane he used sent me different sensations.

When it did start to hurt, because heck, I’m a masochist, it was an even more delicious pain. I’m a sting aficionado and the sting of a cane is lovely and has a double impact. The initial impact and then the secondary decompression of the tissues immediately after caused each strike to work twice as long as a normal paddle strike. I learned how to process them and trust me, it’s different from a flogger or paddle or the hand. Canes are a unique pleasure/pain experience.

Sensations

The magical thing about canes is that it doesn’t have to hurt. It’s a percussion tool so for those of us who love a constant rhythm and can float away in a good flogging could do the same in a percussion caning where pain isn’t the end goal. It can vary greatly depending on the size and material the cane is made from. For me there will always be sting. I love the sharp cringe-inducing sensation and the shiver the comes after a sting pain.

Don’t get me wrong, thud is nice but if I had an option I’d pick sting nine times out of ten. Which is probably why canes appeal to me. Thin whippy canes that whistle in the air will sting the most. The least amount of effort from the Top will make the bottom sing. It is more likely to break the skin with a whippy cane. Thicker rod type canes provide more of a thuddy sting and will fall deeper in the tissues.

Pace and rhythm are very important to a caning scene. I believe that it takes about 4-7 seconds to process a cane stroke. An inexperienced Top would throw a batch of strokes at a bottom and then wonder why the bottom isn’t processing well or safewords much faster than they expected. Allow the bottom to process the cane stroke before delivering another and the play can continue much longer and more intensely. Warm up is also really important for canes. Unless you like the corporal punishment style, that is.

The Marks

It is almost guaranteed that you will have marks from a caning. Cane marks are straight lines and often welt in rows. You’ll see some petechiae (small red dots) with the thinner cane strokes and bruising with larger ones. Deep tissue bruising may also cause hard spots under the surface of the skin that then turn to bruises later on in the healing process. Marks from caning last the longest for me.

More information on caning

The Joy of Caning
Caning Notes
Guide to Sensuous Caning

That’s it. I’m a convert. I can only hope that other feared tools and activities will be just as pleasing to experience. What do you think of caning? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on July 06, 2015 07:00

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks,

For those of you in the US, did you go watch fireworks? How about enjoy good barbecue? KnyghtMare, froggyKM and I went to fireworks and enjoyed brats. It was a nice time and the fireworks were lovely! The next few weeks are going to be exhausting for me. I’m helping my mom as much as I can which requires a lot of driving since she lives 2 hours away. She’s in a long arm cast (it goes up to her shoulder) for a broken wrist. Doing much of anything with that is hard. Just try to go an hour without one of your hands and you can get an idea of what she’s having to do day by day.

Raising Money for My Mom

My mom broke her wrist and can not work for 3 months. She’s always worked paycheck to paycheck so this is a huge financial crisis for her. I’m trying my best to help her survive during this recovery period through a fundraising campaign. If you feel you can help, please check out my GoFundMe campaign.

This Weekend’s Giveaway – A copy of “The Dom with a Safeword – Badass Brats, Book 1″!

Have you heard the news yet? The Summer of Weekend Giveaways has started! This weekend’s giveaway is a copy of The Dom with a Safeword – Badass Brats, Book 1. Enter to win by midnight CST tonight! Don’t miss it. Subscribe to the site if you haven’t already so that you can get the notices every Thursday of the new giveaway.

As with all of Submissive’ Guide’s giveaways, you only need to enter your email address to win. Winners must be 18+ to win. Some giveaways are restricted to US or US/Canada only and will be marked if there are limitations.

Giveaways run from Thursday through Sunday every week this summer until we run out of prizes!

Join the growing list of supporters and fans!
Servers Upgraded! Thank you for the support. Next Goal: Monthly Webinars – I’m so close to this goal!!
I work hard to write and produce the content and I don’t ask for much in return. Supporting the site is a small way you can show me that you appreciate my efforts. If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a patron of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $3 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation.Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

The 5 Levels of Sub Space In and Out of Playtime
Butt Plugs for Training and Pleasure by Mina Button
A Personal Plea – lunaKM’s Mother Needs Your Help
Weekend Giveaway: The Dom with a Safeword – Badass Brats 1 (1 Winner)
A Simple Act of Submission by tequilarose

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask lunaKM Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

Ask lunaKM – CBT Recommended Information

My Sir has tasked me with researching and carrying out CBT. I have no experience with it and am looking for a how-to. Honestly I’m afraid of hurting him and need to be confident when this happens…maybe watch a video so I know what to expect? I have found some information; do you have any good resources you can direct me to?

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2014: Ask lunaKM – Can I make it in this lifestyle?
In 2013: Ask lunaKM – Dominant, a Bully?
In 2012: Earn Money on Your Site with JT’s Stockroom Affiliate Program
In 2011: Let’s Be Selfish – Recharging The Submissive Battery by Sephani Paige
In 2010: Research Page: Gorean Lifestyle

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

Have you ever been given a task that you just couldn’t do?
Do you find pleasure in common tasks and see them as a part of your submission? What chores do you perform and take extra pride in making sure your partner is pleased?
Being shared/given to another would make me feel…
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!

Featured Podcast of the Week – Ropecast

Ropecast Interview with Riggerjay

30 Jun 2015, 9:39pm GMT

→ Graydancer’s Ropecast

Rope artist. Photographer. Teacher. Occasional StormTrooper. “Sexy Boots on the Ground” for the upcoming Baltimore GRUE. These are all part of who RiggerJay is…and that’s because he’s very careful about what he shares on the web about his passion. In this interview we talk with him about why internet privacy is important, what we can do about it, why “the MeatList” was all kinds of sucky but not a hack…in short, if you are kinky and online, you owe it to yourself to listen to this podcast.

M4A audio (45MB, 48min)

Podcast RSS

iTunes subscribe

Related Posts:
Book Review: The Ethical Slut
lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections
A Day in the Life Series – Post Requests

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on July 05, 2015 10:00

A Simple Act of Submission

It was like any other morning. Daddy and I had finished eating breakfast and both of us were getting ready to start our day. Daddy was using the bathroom and I was wandering around the apartment, forcing myself to change out of my comfy pajamas and into regular clothes for class. While I’m changing, there’s this odor drifting through the apartment. This was not a pleasant odor at all. I’m in the bedroom rolling my eyes as Daddy is making a comment about the scent of His “magnificence”. Yes, this is a regular occurrence in the apartment and a regular part of the banter that goes on between Daddy and me. Then Daddy calls for me to take a whiff. Smirking to myself, I tell Him that I can smell from where I’m at. I’m called once again, so this time I stand in front of the entrance from the bathroom. That still wasn’t close enough for Daddy’s liking. He tells me to kneel, pointing to a spot next to the toilet. I look at Him, waiting to hear that He’s joking. I give Him a look as if He’s joking. He just points again to the spot and says “Now slave”. Yeah, He wasn’t joking. So…I kneel and take a whiff.

You’re probably wondering what horrendous thing had I done to deserve this punishment. Did I forget to do something that I was supposed to? Did I do something I wasn’t supposed to do? Did I break something? Did I throw away an important piece of mail? Nope. None of the above. This wasn’t a punishment. This was one of those things where Daddy had me do this just because He could make me. This was a small, very random act of submission.

Afterwards, I stood up and before I could turn around and walk out of the bathroom, Daddy grabbed me by the collar and told me that because of my previous action, that’s the reason why He collared me. I could have fought Him over this. I could have stomped my foot and told Him that there was no way in hell I was doing what He just asked of me. I could have acted like I didn’t hear Him and gone about my business. I do know if I had carried out any three of those actions, I wouldn’t enjoy the consequences. And yes, there was a brief moment where I did ponder what my next course of action was going to be.

After Daddy was out the door, He asked me how I felt about what had happened earlier. I told Him I was ready to call Him every name in the book and telling Him “no,” was being highly considered, but even though I wanted to tell Him “no,” I knew that really wasn’t an option. That it seemed like such a silly thing to throw a fit over. I wasn’t being put into any kind of danger or physical harm, just a bit of unpleasantness, so there was no impending risk in the task. I also told Him that I loved that He did that. I loved that He showed the dominance that He has over me. That I felt like I had been reminded of my place, where I belong, and who I am.

It also reminded me what submission is about. Submission is about doing what is asked or ordered of me, without question, whether it’s something I really want to do or not. It’s about doing things that make Daddy happy, that please Him. That I trust Daddy explicitly, that no matter what He orders, I will not be harmed, and that I trust Him more than any other person in my entire life. It reminded me that I am apart of something much, much bigger than just myself. It’s easy when life gets in the way to forget all of that and to get bogged down in the responsibilities that are required of me outside of the relationship to forget all of that. All it took was that one simple order to remind me of so much.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on July 03, 2015 07:00

Weekend Giveaway: The Dom with a Safeword – Badass Brats 1 (1 Winner)

This week Submissive Guide is giving away a copy of The Dom with the Safeword, the first book in The Badass Brats series by Sorcha Black, Leia Shaw, and Cari Silverwood to one lucky reader. If you enjoy your erotica with more than two people and with quirky characters, then this is the book for you. If the title is sounding familiar, that’s because I did a review of the book for the site and you can read that here.

Late at night, on an amateur ghost hunt, Sabrina and her best friend Q are caught trespassing by the gorgeous, blond Jude. The embers of attraction between them sizzle when they discover Jude’s kinks match their own. Jude is a Dom on his last summer of freedom before starting the prison sentence that is med school. Q is a badass bi switch who knows what she wants, and for years it’s been her cute, doe-eyed straight friend Sabrina. But the only way to get into Sabrina’s heart and panties may be with Jude’s fist wrapped in her hair.

Domming the bratty Q and mischievous Sabrina isn’t going to be easy, but Jude relishes the challenge. At the end of the summer, will they find a way to stay together when everything is tearing them apart?

Warning: this book contains adult material including the use of multiple implements to bring bratty subs to their knees, scaffolding doubling as bondage apparatus, and a haunted house. No ghosts were harmed in the making of this book.

BDSM elements, M/f/f, f/f

Make sure to show the authors some love on their Facebook page, the series Twitter account and Black, Shaw and Silverwood‘s individual Twitter accounts.

Would you like to win “The Dom with the Safeword”? Just click on the graphic below and type in your email address. This giveaway ends Sunday, July 5th at 11:59 pm, CST. One winner will be chosen and posted on this post on Tuesday.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on July 02, 2015 07:00

Ask lunaKM – CBT Recommended Information

Hi luna,
My Sir has tasked me with researching and carrying out CBT. I have no experience with it and am looking for a how-to. Honestly I’m afraid of hurting him and need to be confident when this happens…maybe watch a video so I know what to expect? I have found some information; do you have any good resources you can direct me to?
Thank you!

Hi there!

I have some excellent information and resources that can help you learn the ins and outs of CBT. For those of you who don’t know the abbreviation, CBT stands for Cock and Ball Torture. It’s a form of genital play on men. It often involves pain or bondage, but can also be sensual. Here’s a basic article for those of you curious to know more.

I know you are concerned of hurting him but part of it will be painful – that’s just they way of the play involved. Thankfully this is a common kink so you’ll find all sorts of information, groups and books on the kink. Your best resource will be your partner. As you start play make sure you have him communicate what is working and what isn’t. I’m pretty certain he knows his genitals well and can tell you if something is a good pain or a bad pain. You can alter your play accordingly.

Now, on to other resources and guides that I can recommend:

The Beginner’s Guide to Cock and Ball Torture by Uberkinky
Cock Torture by Dirk with David Stein
Basic Cock and Ball Torture by FrugalDomme
Cock and Ball Torture by Ms Star
Videos on CBT on Kink Academy (affiliate links)

Cock & Ball Fun with Evoe Thorne & Harold Henry
A-Z of CBT with Mistress Simone
Cock and Ball Torture with Sarah Sloane

The Most Recommended Books on Genital Play and Torment – Family Jewels and More Family Jewels

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on July 01, 2015 07:00

A Personal Plea – lunaKM’s Mother Needs Your Help

I don’t normally do this, and I spent all of yesterday worried about how this would look to all of my faithful readers if I used this site for personal reasons, but a good person reminded me that I’m not forcing you to do anything and that many want to help those that help them. I’m really not sure where else to turn.

On Saturday June 26th, my mother fell while walking her dog and broke her dominant wrist. She’s in a huge cast right now and needs extensive reconstructive surgery and the recovery period is likely to take a very long time.

She barely makes above minimum wage and often has to make the difficult choice of food or medication. Yet she survives. During this health crises she will not be able to work and that means her bills will go unpaid, she’ll be relying on friends for groceries and rides to her Dr appointments and so much more.

I live 2 hours away, but plan on staying with her a few days every week to help her.

But I can’t afford to pay our bills and hers also. This is where you come in.

You, my loyal readers, can donate a few dollars to help her get the necessary items to keep her afloat while she recovers. It will certainly give her, and myself, peace of mind. The goal I have set is $2000, which will keep her going for 3 months, along with the partial disability she’ll be able to start collecting in a week or so.

If you can spare a few dollars, I’d be ever grateful. Thank you.

Fundraising Campaign

–lunaKM

PS: If you can’t help monetarily, please share the campaign on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr and anywhere else you can. It takes but a moment of your time and it could make my mother’s recovery go much smoother.

Thanks again.

Butt Plugs for Training and Pleasure

This is a guest post by Mina Button.

The idea of wearing a butt plug outside the bedroom is an exciting one. It shows up in lots of erotica, especially in connection with the idea of “anal training,” where a submissive learns to open up their ass for their Dominant. It has the potential to be really hot, making a sub think about how their Dominant is opening them up and keeping them that way for as long as they like, demonstrating power and ownership in a very noticeable way. Unfortunately, it also has the potential to be uncomfortable and annoying.

I’m here to help minimize that last possibility.

I’ve been doing anal training on and off with my Dominant for a few years now, and I’m going to share the secrets of my success with wearing anal toys for long periods of time–by which I mean anywhere from an hour or two to overnight.

Before You Start

Despite the super hot concept of “anal training,” I would highly recommend gaining some in-bedroom anal experience before embarking on an extended-wear journey. If you’ve never experienced any sort of anal penetration before, it can take a bit of experimenting to get used to the feeling. Fingers are an awesome way to start, either solo or with a partner. Use plenty of lube, and take your time. Anal penetration should never hurt. Once you’re familiar with the sensations involved and your body, you can work on wearing a plug.

Choosing Your Plug

When choosing a butt plug for extended wear, you want to be sure to pick one that will stay in place. I know this sounds obvious, but a lot of very slender plugs have a tendency to slip out as easily as they slip in. Pick something that has a (relatively) fat middle and a narrow neck. Obviously, you also want a plug with a flared base. The base should be larger than the largest part of the insertable portion of the toy, to keep it firmly anchored outside the anal sphincter.

Material is another consideration when choosing your butt plug. Silicone and glass are both great options, as both are non-porous, easy to clean, and relatively light weight. While stainless steel plugs are gorgeous, they might be a little on the heavy side for extended wear. Silicone is can have more give to it than glass, but also has more friction. Glass is super smooth, but very, very firm.

Silicone plugs with a round base can cause uncomfortable friction if you’re up and walking around a lot during the day. More and more plugs are designed with long, thin bases to comfortably fit between the wearer’s butt cheeks. Glass plugs have much less friction, but obviously your mileage may vary.

Wearing Your Plug

It is a really good idea to do a trial run or three at home before you take your plug out on the town. Wear your plug while you do chores (if you have chores that you do) or just while hanging out. It may take a few tries before you feel comfortable and confident enough to venture out of the house with your plug in place.

Talk through the specifics with your Dominant, and plan out goals for how long you’ll be wearing your plug, and circumstances under which you might need to remove it. This is one of those situations where, no matter how much we might want it to be, real life is not a pornographic novel. While it’s hot to think that you can’t take it out no matter what, it’s far better to have a plan in place and not need it than to need it and not have it.

Use lube! I know I said that already, but I really can’t emphasize it enough. When I started my training I definitely had lots of experience with all sorts of toys at home in the bedroom, but even then I underestimated how much lube I needed to comfortably wear a plug for hours at a time. Use more lube than you think you need, and don’t be afraid to add more. I carry a bottle of nice, thick water-based lube in my purse for exactly this reason.

Movin’ On Up…

While a lot of the time people talk about anal training in terms of “stretching,” it’s actually a lot more about learning how to relax the anal sphincter muscles. Having more muscle control is helpful with receiving larger toys/body parts, and practice and warm-up make perfect!

As you get more comfortable with longer-term butt plug wear, you will probably eventually want to move up to larger plugs and/or longer periods of wear (or your Dominant will want you to). As exciting as things are, remember not to rush right to the largest plug you can find. You may need to try wearing a larger plug at home first, or go back to a smaller plug on certain days. Don’t feel like you’re failing if this is the case–keep your Dominant informed and let them know if something is going on with your body that may make training difficult that day.

Going slow, using plenty of lube, and, of course, communication are the most important ingredients for pleasurable, hot butt play, and this is true for long-term plug wear or training as much as it is for any other anal adventures. Happy plugging!

Mina Button is a queer submissive femme who has been active in the BDSM community since 2009, and serving her current Dominant since 2011. Her day job is as a sex educator for a small toy boutique. Mina blogs at minabutton-kinky-blogging.com

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on June 30, 2015 07:00

The 5 Levels of Sub Space In and Out of Playtime

for the Submissive Guide Newsletter 3/28/15

Sub space is one of the big topics I cover here on the site. So much of what we know about it shifts and changes with our experience that I’m always learning more about how it affects people and what draws people to reaching that sensation in play. If you don’t know, part of why people engage in D/s or SM play scenes is to experience emotional and sensory highs. It’s really a given. Which is probably why sub space is talked about, bantered, questioned, challenged and “taught” all over the place. Every single submissive who has experienced sub space describes it differently and you too can expect to feel something different if you ever reach that sensory high. It is after all a personal journey, a moment of bliss, of euphoria or complete focus (or loss of focus) on what is going on. It’s an end goal for many when playing with SM or power dynamics in play. In some more narrow-minded circles, if you can’t reach it, or if you are a Dominant, can’t get your submissive there then you aren’t a real “fill in the blank”.

Now, what does that mean really? Are we failing if we don’t get to sub space? No. How your body responds to the endorphins and adrenaline increases in your body during play are completely unique to you and can change depending on your health at the time, level of physical activity you engage in normally and if you are a thrill seeker. So if you don’t reach sub space (or can’t get your submissive there), that doesn’t make your play any less fulfilling and intimate.

Just so you understand, these aren’t likely the ONLY 5 levels of sub space, they just happen to be the 5 I’m talking about in this article. You are welcome to talk about other impressions and thoughts in the comments on this post.

Endorphin Highs

Endorphin highs are the natural high that we get in response to pain stimuli. Endorphins occur whether it’s pain for pleasure or if you fell and scrapped your knee. They help you cope with the pain and a flood of them in the body can become an intense experience. Some people look drunk when they’ve reached an endorphin high while others get into giggling fits. This form of sub space is the more common form seen at play parties since the idea is to have physical experiences and intense sensations.

Euphoria

Euphoria is the joy of submission and is a conscious desire to serve. To be euphoric does not require SM play at all and is best brought out in power exchange dynamics.

Sexual Spin

Often connected with sex and sexual arousal, sexual spin is often when you reach a stage where you’ll do anything to keep the sensation coming and relax your inhibitions for sexual play. This heightened state of sexual awareness can be overwhelming for some and I know I’ll even forget shortly after the play that I reached this stage. KnyghtMare says I get to a “wanton slut” stage where I’ll beg to do things for him that normally are on my soft limits list just to please him. It’s a fun stage to be in.

Headspace

Often most associated with non-SM play, this is a very trusting, accepting and peaceful space where the submissive often has a singular focus. It can come on a submissive at any time in their service and has lasting effects. The clarity of a submissive headspace makes you feel like your submission is at its peak and can give you great joy in service at that specific time.

Nirvana

Nirvana is losing oneself in the moment usually culminating in a heightened sense of awareness or the loss of awareness.

What Goes Up Must Come Down

I’d like to touch on sub drop. Many submissives who have gone to sub space during play will have some level of sub drop. No matter how much aftercare you got or how secure your relationship the physical response to the drop in those feel good chemicals can make you feel depressed, sad, stressed, confused and tired. Take care of yourself and learn about self-aftercare and sub drop.

Remember if you can’t or haven’t reached sub space that doesn’t make your play time any less fulfilling. As long as you and your partner get what you want and need from the encounter then the goal of sub space isn’t required. Understanding a bit about the 5 levels mentioned here might help you realize that the out-of-body experience you’ve heard a few talk about isn’t how you express yourself in sub space and that one of these others is more like you. And that’s cool. Learning about yourself is always a positive experience. Now go out and have some fun!

Thoughts to Ponder
1. If you’ve experienced sub space, what is it like for you? How would you describe it?
2. Would you ever make a conscious choice to avoid sub space? Are there times where you think it would be a good idea?
Interesting Links
Two Kinds of Sub Space
Headspace: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3
An Essay on Sub Space
Related Posts:
Little Known Ways We Experience Sub Space
[Video] Can I Access Subspace Too?
Processing Pain in Play: What is the Benefit of Pain, Anyway?
Sub Space: The Ultimate Frontier
Processing Pain in Play eBook is Now Bigger and Better – Get Yours Now!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on June 29, 2015 07:00

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks,

Yay for Marriage Equality. I’m so thrilled for the US Supreme Court decision this week. Finally all of my friends can marry the one they wish to marry and get all of the legal benefits that they deserve.

It’s time I start planning the next Submissive Guide ebook. What should I write about? Is there a topic that isn’t covered in other books that you think I can tackle? Let me know. I’m always hunting for ideas!

Crazy weather we are having in the states! What’s your weather been like this month? Unusually hot? Really wet? Snow? Cold? So many odd weather patterns for June….

This Weekend’s Giveaway – A 30 Day Pass to PassionateU.com!

Have you heard the news yet? The Summer of Weekend Giveaways has started! This weekend’s giveaway is a 30 Day Pass to PassionateU.com. Enter to win by midnight CST tonight! Don’t miss it. Subscribe to the site if you haven’t already so that you can get the notices every Thursday of the new giveaway.

As with all of Submissive’ Guide’s giveaways, you only need to enter your email address to win. Winners must be 18+ to win. Some giveaways are restricted to US or US/Canada only and will be marked if there are limitations.

Giveaways run from Thursday through Sunday every week this summer until we run out of prizes!

Join the growing list of supporters and fans!
Servers Upgraded! Thank you for the support. Next Goal: Monthly Webinars
I work hard to write and produce the content and I don’t ask for much in return. Supporting the site is a small way you can show me that you appreciate my efforts. If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a patron of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $3 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation.Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

[Video Post] Improving Your Submission: Identify Your Focus
The Best Part About Submission is Our Ability to Choose by Kayla Lords
Weekend Giveaway: 1 Free Month to PassionateU (1 Winner)
Book Review: The Ritual of Dominance & Submission: A Guide to High Protocol Dominance & Submission

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask lunaKM Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

Ask lunaKM – How Do I Stay Positive While Single?

I’m not sure how to start really but I guess at the beginning is the best. I’m at the point in my life where I’m acknowledging to myself that I’m a Submissive and that the missing part that I’ve been searching for is someone who can help me.

Before I even thought about it, I’ve tried dating perfectly normal guys but no one feels right to me. My girlfriends always tell me I’m too picky or my standards were too high…and while I agree with them but cant bring myself to give my control up. So now I hold my own leash until my Sir comes along.

Any ideas on how to keep the depression down until He finds me?

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2014: A Day in the Life: moonlight
In 2013: What Influences You? by tequilarose
In 2012: Ask SehAnru | Subdrop and Mental Illness Concerns
In 2011: What Do Others Have to Say About SubGuide Reviewed Books (2009)?
In 2010: Review: The Bride Wore Black Leather

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

Write a website review of your favorite BDSM resource. Be as concise as possible.
How open are you to others about the lifestyle choices you make?Have you told any of your family members? What were their responses?
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!

Featured Podcast of the Week – Practically Kinky

Ep 44 – What’s In Your Kink Cupboard

23 Jun 2015, 10:24pm GMT

→ Practically Kinky Podcast

In this episode we raid our kink cabinet and tell you all about the weird and wonderful goodies that lurk inside.

MP3 audio (76MB, 55min)

Podcast RSS

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Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on June 28, 2015 10:00