Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 49

Weekend Giveaway: Ein by Sorcha Black (1 Winner)

This week, Submissive Guide is giving away one of my most favorite books of 2014. We have an ebook copy of Ein by Sorcha Black for one very lucky reader.

Sorcha Black’s novel Ein take a phenomenal world of fantasy and weaves a wonderful tale of love, devotion, and submission. If you are a lover of BDSM erotica and fantasy, then this is the perfect book for you.

Book Description:

In love with a girl from school and the man hired to torture her, Einan is sent reeling when she thinks them dead. Destitute, she finds herself responsible for protecting children left uncared for in the wake of the Cedesian War.

Poor children are disappearing all over the city. While struggling to keep them safe, Ein accidentally sparks a rebellion. Will love find her again in the chaos, or will she die a martyr?

Warning: Dark themes, kink, dubious consent, reluctant sex trade work. May be disturbing to some readers.

You can click here to read an excerpt from Sorcha Black’s Ein. Check out Sorcha Black’s Facebook page, follow her on Twitter or check out her website!

Would you like to win “Ein” by Sorcha Black? Just click on the graphic below and type in your email address. This giveaway ends Sunday, August 2nd at 11:59 pm, CST. One winner will be chosen and posted on this post on Tuesday.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on July 30, 2015 08:00

Ask lunaKM – I Feel Addicted to My Dominant

i was just wondering if it okay to feel almost addicted to your Dom? Like when my Dom is away for too long i feel sad and lonely, but if He is gone for a day or two i get really depressed not being able to be near Him. The feelings i have for Him is almost as if i am addicted to Him. Not sure if this is normal, and not sure how to explain how i feel inside, but i feel like everything revolves around Him and i completely and fully want to give myself to Him in all ways. i never felt so strongly about previous Doms so it is new to me. i think of Him constantly and cannot seem to focus without Him. Is this normal when you finally find “The One”? Like i said, i have never felt this way for anyone else.

Dear Addicted,

Congrats on your intense love and joy in your relationship. You’ve learned to connect with someone so powerfully that you are feeling withdrawals when apart. It’s likely he’s feeling a similar response if the feelings are mutual. Love is a drug. The neurochemistry of romance/relationships might be interesting to read about but what is happening for you is basically Oxytocin/Dopamine/PEA withdrawal. The power of lust and love can do crazy things to a person’s emotional balance. It causes obsession, frenzy, anxiety and stress when you are apart from someone you feel strongly for.

Don’t blame yourself for feeling this way. Things that help:

Use artificial brain crutches. Make detailed to-do lists, and don’t be ashamed to put basic stuff like EAT LUNCH on them. Completing things on your to do list and being productive can provide an alternate source of Dopamine: download a to-do list app like Remember the Milk, or adorn blank index cards with little black ink circles to color in as you accomplish each micro-task, where number of circles = dollar value of self-indulgent reward. Keeping yourself busy will help you keep your mind off of the separation anxiety.
Look for physical affection. Cuddle a furbaby. If you’re petless, head to your nearest animal shelter and snuggle something. Consider volunteering, or ask if you can ‘foster’, i.e. bring home a snuggly critter who needs a break from the shelter. Or slip into safe sources of human contact — get your hair or nails done or splurge on a massage.
Create your individually-sized escape pod. Having trouble sleeping? Hot milk & honey, and a fantasy novel (insert your preferred beverage & literary vice here). Go to sleep wearing the shirt you stole from him, or otherwise indulge in something that you wouldn’t normally do like that pint of ice cream, a movie night or a fancy dinner somewhere.
You may also want to talk about your anxiety when you are apart. It may have a simpler solution of increasing the contact while separated to a level that keeps your withdrawal at a level you both can manage. Communication is a really good way to reduce the anxiety of being apart.

I wish you luck and peace,

–lunaKM

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on July 29, 2015 07:00

Eight Miles – Looking For a Smooth Transition for Long Distance Relationships

We were conversing over Skype. It was late on her end and not so late on mine. We were talking about the distance between us, again. I’d just come back from seeing her in person for the first time, and we were sharing our surprise at how much we missed each other only days later.

I said, if I could get on a plane and come back, I would.

I know, was the reply. (Suddenly I feel all Han Solo – J)

And then the comment was made. I’m not even sure what it was anymore, or which of us said it (though I suspect it was her (it was – J)). The gist was that the distance between us was brutal, that eight hours on a plane was severely unpleasant. But the phrase, eight hours had somehow come out as eight miles.

OH GOD I WISH. I remember she said this because it was in all caps. Eight miles were much more convenient than eight hours on a plane, we agreed. And from then on, the distance between us was not measured in real miles (4,324), nor in hours (anywhere from the proposed eight to a deeply disgusting twenty including layovers), but a magical combination between the two: Eight Miles.

It’s only eight miles, we’d say. Or, I’ll see you in eight miles. It had, quite simply, become a euphemism. A way to pretend that we were closer to each other than we actually were. It worked for a while. It made us feel better. It was our own secret joke.

Eventually, the time between making the joke increased, and then stopped. I don’t think that we’ve mentioned it in the last year or so, despite (or perhaps because of) the fact that it’s been the hardest for us in terms of coping with long distance. Maybe it wasn’t adequate anymore. Maybe the idea that we really were much farther than eight miles apart hurt more than the joke could fix. The idea that those eight hours that I spent on the plane was really just the plane circling in circles over the airport for a long time before landing again had no longer become sufficient. Whatever the case, it stopped, and that’s okay, because the last six months especially have marked a large transition in our relationship.

I’d always talked about moving to England. She just gave me the support network that I needed to feel comfortable enough to make it happen. The summer ahead promises to be an expensive, daunting exhibition. I am an American pilgrim in reverse.

The daunting part is not so much the move; I have many friends here, I speak the language—probably with a deeper understanding and better fluency than some of the natives, as I briefly specialized in English linguistics—I’ve spent enough time in the country by this point that I think I’ll avoid culture shock relatively easily. Shopping is a pain. The English don’t believe in buying food in bulk, apparently. I digress. The daunting part isn’t moving to another country; it’s the idea that my Dom and I are putting our relationship to the ultimate test. We’ve been together for four years and eight months, we’ve talked to each other near enough all day, near enough every day in that time, but we’ve spent a total of three months in each other’s physical presence.

Three months. And not all at once. We are still, as one of my best friends would say, walking on roses.

The Dominant/submissive dynamic has carried us through the majority of our relation, and now we get to determine what parts of our relationship will change—not change. I don’t particularly like that word. Let’s call it evolve. For better or worse, our relationship will evolve. At the time of writing this, I’ve been in the country for approximately 10 days, and already certain of my rules have changed. I don’t write nightly e-mails to her anymore, I write them in the morning, after she’s gone to work, after I’ve dressed in what she’s told me to. Sometimes she lays clothes out for me, but mostly it’s the same as it was before. “Wear red.”

The last two days, we’ve gone over my to-do list together. I usually make one at work that lasts me for three or four days, but during the summer, I write one every morning while I have my coffee to keep me organized. She’s gone over it with me, provided me with tasks to do during the day. This, too, is a new dynamic in my submission. My Dom is taking more control over how I spend my time—or rather I am giving her more control over me. Submission is a gift, the saying goes. I invite her to take over certain decisions. “Is there anything you’d like me to do today?” “What would you like me to wear?” “Which collar would you like me to put on?”

I think it’s easier for her to exercise her dominance when the whim strikes her, too. “Woman,” (she calls me woman before giving me a command) “go make me a cup of tea.” Not particularly sexual, but it doesn’t have to be. Using domestic tasks to express my submission is a new experience, and I cherish it.

I still have a job. We talked long and hard about this. There was a lot of worrying on my part. I think she worried, too, but I think she didn’t want to compound my worrying by worrying in front of me. I didn’t want to chance yet another year of long distance. It’s been four and a half years, I thought. Enough is enough. I want to do this properly. She was the voice of reason. She knew I’d hate being a stay-at-home kitty if I had to do it full-time, and any time I started to lean unduly toward insistence that I come to the country on a fiancée visa, she reminded me of that, and of how much harder it would be for us if we decided that we weren’t a suitable for each other in person as over the internet. I grumbled to myself about it a lot, but she was doing her job as my partner and my Dominant: she was looking out for my well-being. So I was reminded of one of the first lessons I learned when entering the scene. Being a sub doesn’t mean losing your identity. I am surprised by how tempting it is to forget that, especially because I’ve prided myself so far in understanding that. She had to talk me into not trying to commute to work every day, too. I probably would have tried, regardless, but I fell in love with a flat we viewed, and it reminded me that I can still be my own person, even though I’ve moved a quarter of the way across the world to be with my Dom. But submission isn’t losing yourself in your Dom. You don’t automatically become a single unit, but rather two units who learn how to operate in tandem. Choreography without being choreographed.

So, I’m still a teacher. I start at my new school in September, and I’m trading eight miles for a healthy fifty-two, but it’s a much friendlier drive. No doubt, when I get settled into my flat, certain aspects of our relationship will regress back to long distance, but I imagine that because we’re both in the same time zone, even the regression will prove to have deviations from the routines of the last several years.

I guess the point of this is that we’ve undergone a transition. Healthy, and a little scary, but ultimately beneficial, and something that I wanted particularly to share with those submissives who have been in long distance relationships of over a few dozen miles, because the changes from one to the other can be a little surprising, and undoubtedly will raise small conflicts of opinion that will need to be addressed.

So my ending questions are these: Are there any of you who have already gone through this transition and who have advice to offer? What changes did your daily routine undergo? Did you have problems that needed to be sorted out, or was the transition smooth? How did the difference in distance ultimately affect the way you express your submission?

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on July 28, 2015 07:00

Learning To Be a 24/7 Submissive Is Like…

from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 4/25/15

When I started learning about submission it had nothing to do with “lifestyle” or “relationships” or “24/7″. It was about feeding a desire. Sure, much of that was masochistic play but not all of it. So, when I met people and they were saying they were lifestyle submissives or in 24/7 relationships I looked at them as if they were foreigners; odd strange beings who somehow lived this dream all the time. Little did I know that I’d be living it myself one day and counting 24/7 as the only way I could exist in BDSM.

But 24/7 doesn’t have to be so odd, so different or so foreign. People feel that 24/7 is some holy grail to be looked up to by those who can’t get there, and a common existence by those who can. Not everyone is cut out for a 24/7 submissive lifestyle. But defining a 24/7 D/s relationship is something so personal and to many doesn’t look the same from couple to couple. In simplest terms a good way to describe it is a relationship where you identify as D/s before any other roles. So, for example, say you are a married couple. But when you are asked to describe your relationship you say you are D/s first and married second. Perhaps you always have your submission in your brain and that you think of what your Dom would say or do before everything. This is 24/7.

It’s not constant nudity and bondage and play.

It’s not about sex. No, really.

It’s not kneeling at your Dominant’s feet just waiting to serve and disregarding everything else.

It’s not obvious to others that you are a 24/7 submissive.

So how is it learned?

It’s learned quite simply by going about your life, but always having your partner in mind first. And since your partner is your Dominant, make sure you are always following the rules they laid out, that you take their thoughts in mind and that you embrace being submissive through all things.

It’s been described as being like a mother – but I can’t relate. You are always a mother even if you are at work, or driving to a party, right? But if you don’t have your child with you, how can anyone know? Well, they probably don’t unless you tell them, but that doesn’t mean you don’t think of them or do things in their best interest.

I’m married, but as a wife, no one just casually meeting me knows I’m married unless I share that information. But everything I do and say (or not say) is in keeping with my marriage vows and honoring my husband. No one is the wiser for this or would consider my actions odd.

So how do you learn? You learn by doing. By taking on the mantle of submissive or slave and using that to guide your hands and words and deeds. It’s not something you can do perfectly from the onset. But you can name yourself 24/7 submissive without having had said practice. Just as no new mother knows how to mother as soon as the child is birthed. She learns as she goes. No wife knows how to be the best wife without practice and communication. You have to practice and learn from mistakes. You have to understand that being 24/7 is a process, but it’s also life.

Why does it feel so complicated?

Anything new feels complicated. If you are a creature of habit, which most of us are, changing your routine or behavior takes time and feels foreign at first. But in time you adapt and change and perhaps even feel that this is where you were supposed to be all along. And if it isn’t, well, then you at least have learned to respect it for what it is.

The online discussion boards that banter back and forth about what is and isn’t 24/7 make it sound far more complicated probably because they are applying their own experience to the pile as the “expected” way things are. Some couples have a lot of protocol to their relationship and think that 24/7 has to have that because they have it. Others feel that if the submissive works outside the home they can’t have a 24/7 relationship and still others feel that if you don’t live together you can’t be 24/7. My opinion is that all relationships can be 24/7 if the people involved work on it and accept the challenges that their unique situation brings.

Ultimately, learning to be 24/7 submissive is like anything else in life. You practice, adapt and learn what works for you and discard the things that don’t. If you apply it to your everyday life, make it a part of you and don’t consider it an on/off switch, they you too can be 24/7.

Thoughts to Ponder
What do you think of 24/7 submission? Is it something you have or long for?
What positive comments have you seen about 24/7? Negative comments?
Interesting Links

Living in a D/s Relationship
Living the Lifestyle 24/7
10 Principles for Healthy 24/7 D/s or M/s Relationships

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on July 27, 2015 07:00

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks,

We are in the market for a new car, well new to us anyway. This will be the first car I’ve purchased where I needed a loan. It’s an interesting experience and I am excited to have a new car to drive and the one I currently own is showing its age and the cost of repairs is going up and up. Enough that if I take the monthly cost and apply it to a car payment that would be a smarter deal. So, looking at compacts and midsize cars from the 2010′s to 2014′s what would you recommend? It’s not used for much other than weekly trips to the store, munches monthly and frequent trips 2 hours away to visit family and friends. So far we are looking at Toyota Camry, Mazda3 and Volkswagon Jetta. Are there any domestic recommendations? I’ve not seen any hit the top review lists for the classes I’m shopping.

Raising Money for My Mom

My mom broke her wrist and can not work for 3 months. She’s slowly healing and getting stir-crazy sitting at home doing nothing. She’s always worked paycheck to paycheck so this is a huge financial crisis for her. I’m trying my best to help her survive during this recovery period through a fundraising campaign. If you feel you can help, please check out my GoFundMe campaign. If you want to send gift cards or just a get well card, please check the link for more information.

This Weekend’s Giveaway – A signed copy of The Warrior Princess Submissive by Michael Makai!

Have you heard the news yet? The Summer of Weekend Giveaways has started! This weekend’s giveaway is a signed copy of The Warrior Princess Submissive by Michael Makai. Enter to win by midnight CST tonight! Don’t miss it. Subscribe to the site if you haven’t already so that you can get the notices every Thursday of the new giveaway.

As with all of Submissive’ Guide’s giveaways, you only need to enter your email address to win. Winners must be 18+ to win. Some giveaways are restricted to US or US/Canada only and will be marked if there are limitations.

Giveaways run from Thursday through Sunday every week this summer until we run out of prizes!

Join the growing list of supporters and fans!
Next Goal: Monthly Webinars – I’m so close to this goal!!
I work hard to write and produce the content and I don’t ask for much in return. Supporting the site is a small way you can show me that you appreciate my efforts. If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a patron of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $3 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation.Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

Learn to Love The Body You Have – Submissive Meditation Monday
Checks and Balances in Power Exchange by Mrs. Darling
Weekend Giveaway: The Warrior Princess Submissive by Michael Makai (1 Winner)
Learning Your Way Around the Kitchen-Fresh Muffins from Scratch by tequilarose

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask lunaKM Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

Ask lunaKM – Is being submissive right for me?

I was never formally introduced to the bdsm world but I have always found the thought of being controlled a extreme turn on. How do I know if being a submissive is the right thing for me? And if it is, what is the best way to go about entering the lifestyle?

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2014: Ask lunaKM – Calling him Sir means something, doesn’t it?
In 2013: What is Primal Play? by slavekathy
In 2012: Ask SehAnru | Am I supposed to Love my Dominant?
In 2011: Review: Erotic Surrender – The Sensual Joys of Female Submission
In 2010: Novice Q&A – What is Domestic Discipline and Introducing BDSM to a Partner

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

Write a summary of what a book about your life as a submissive up to this point would be about.
What is your motivation in your service?
What are some small things that your Dominant does that make you feel special? – modified from a prompt on Submissive Safe Haven
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!

Featured Podcast of the Week – Kink in the Chain

Season 2 Episode 7 – Kink in the Chain Podcast

22 Jul 2015, 6:00am GMT

→ Kink in the Chain Podcast

Season 2 Episode 7 This week I have a special surprise for you. Not just one, but two guests. I have Dr Chauntelle Tibbals, author of a new book: Exposure: A Sociologist Explores Sex, Society, and Adult Entertainment. She and I answer your questions. Her and I also discuss her book and some of the […] The post Season 2 Episode 7 appeared first on Kink in the Chain Podcast.

MP3 audio (60MB, 66min)

Podcast RSS

iTunes subscribe

Related Posts:
Book Review: The Ethical Slut
lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections
A Day in the Life Series – Post Requests

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on July 26, 2015 10:00

Learning Your Way Around the Kitchen-Fresh Muffins from Scratch

Every few months, one of the grocery store chains has American Week. Needless to say, this makes me extremely happy. They have peanut butter, microwave popcorn, assorted cupcake mixes, muffins, and a lot of other assorted American type food. After I had put every jar of creamy peanut butter that I could find in the shopping cart, I started looking at some of the other things they had. Daddy noticed that I was eyeing the muffins and asked me if I wanted a package. I told Him no because I didn’t want to spend the money, especially since I didn’t know how they would taste. Not gonna lie, I didn’t have very high hopes for these muffins. I have the Internet at my disposal and knew I could find a muffin recipe and know exactly what was going into it and that I wouldn’t be questioning how the product would taste. So, once again I did a little searching, found a recipe, and made my way to the kitchen.

The one thing I love about making my own muffins is that I’m only limited by imagination. I have done so many flavor combinations. The ones in the picture are apple cinnamon with a cream cheese center(and yes, they are just as fantastic as they sound!). I’ve made blueberry lemon extract, strawberry with white chocolate chunks, and that’s only a little bit of what I have done. Everyone I have made these muffins for has absolutely loved them. Not only are the super yummy, but they are super easy as well. Here’s the recipe that I found from allrecipes.com.

To Die For Blueberry Muffins

1 ½ cups all-purpose flour

¾ cup white sugar

½ teaspoon salt

2 teaspoons baking powder

⅓ cup vegetable oil

1 egg

⅓ cup milk

1 cup fresh blueberries or fruit of choice

Directions:

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C). Grease muffin cups or line with muffin liners.

Combine 1 1/2 cups flour, 3/4 cup sugar, salt and baking powder. Place vegetable oil into a 1 cup measuring cup; add the egg and enough milk to fill the cup. Mix this with flour mixture. Fold in blueberries. Fill muffin cups right to the top, and sprinkle with crumb topping mixture.

To Make Crumb Topping: Mix together 1/2 cup sugar, 1/3 cup flour, 1/4 cup butter, and 1 1/2 teaspoons cinnamon. Mix with fork, and sprinkle over muffins before baking.

Bake for 20 to 25 minutes in the preheated oven, or until done.

For the cream cheese filling, I used this one from Southern Living. It calls for 8 oz of cream cheese and ½ cup of sugar, but for the muffins I halved it and only used 4 oz of cream cheese and ¼ cup of sugar and it was just enough for 12 muffins. What I did was put just enough of the muffin mix to cover the bottom of the cupcake liner and then put a dollop of the cream cheese mixture on top then finished filling with the muffin mix.

I hope you enjoy this recipe and if you try it for yourself, I would love to know what you think and what you threw into your muffin mix.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on July 24, 2015 07:00

Weekend Giveaway: The Warrior Princess Submissive by Michael Makai (1 Winner)

Welcome back to another Weekend Giveway! This week we have a copy of Michael Makai’s The Warrior Submissive Princess. I have read this book and I must say, in my opinion it is one that every female s-type should read. There is a lot of awesome food for thought packed inside this 157 page book. You can check out my review for the book here.

This contest is for US readers only.

Ever get the feeling, when you read about all the “classic” categories of submissive, that there must be one missing? You know which one we’re talking about. The missing submissive is the one that is the wicked-smart, strong-willed, uber-competent, ultra-competitive, synergistic, switchy, crusader. She’s no one’s doormat, never a victim. She is a kick-ass submissive for the 21st century. Think: Xena, the Warrior Princess, kneeling at the feet of Hercules.

This definitely isn’t a woman in a precarious predicament waiting helplessly for her White Knight to arrive and slay a dragon for her. This was a woman who, as she is kicking the dragon’s ass, smiles at the White Knight standing on the sidelines and says, “Hey, buddy! Feel free to jump right in and lend your sword to this fight. Otherwise, stay the hell out of my way!” The Warrior Princess doesn’t need or want a rescuer. The Warrior Princess needs an ally that she can rely upon in the chaos of battle. She seeks a warrior equal to the tasks that she has already chosen for herself, and is demonstrably capable of accomplishing with, or without, his help. She is willing and able to fight the good fight alone, but welcomes the notion of having a worthy partner, fighting by her side. And yet, when the day’s fighting is done, she is perfectly at ease with considering herself entirely His – heart, might, mind, body, and soul.

Why is she important? She is important because she just may be the hope and salvation of this lifestyle. There will come a day, in the not too distant future, when the Warrior Princess Submissive will be forced to become a combatant in a highly politicized war on the BDSM lifestyle. It will be a propaganda war that characterizes all Dominants as abusers and all submissives as victims of abusive and exploitative relationships. When she comes out of the shadows and chooses to fight for this lifestyle instead of against it – as many of her contemporaries will expect her to do – her strong moral compass will reassure those on the sidelines that she is doing what is right and just.

Learn more about the author and the book at his website!

Would you like to win “The Warrior Princess Submissive” by Michael Makai? Just click on the graphic below and type in your email address. This giveaway ends Sunday July 26th, at 11:59 pm, CST. One winner will be chosen and posted on Tuesday.

US RESIDENTS ONLY!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on July 23, 2015 07:00

Ask lunaKM – Is being submissive right for me?

I was never formally introduced to the bdsm world but I have always found the thought of being controlled a extreme turn on. How do I know if being a submissive is the right thing for me? And if it is, what is the best way to go about entering the lifestyle?

Dear Never Formally Introduced,

Most people will say that their kinky interest always started with turn-ons. The people who are able to explore those sexual fantasies and desires often have more fulfilling sexual lives. So, kudos to you for wanting to learn more about your turn-ons and fantasies to see if they can become more than in your head.

What I suggest you do first it learn the terms and roles available to you. You mention submissive in your question so it’s possible you’ve already done this. There are many different bottom roles that could fit you and one size does not fit all in any of them. I suggest that anyone who has being controlled fantasies specifically start with a bottom role and go from there. That way you can explore the kinky fantasies you have and not overwhelm yourself with the idea of surrendering control of other areas of your life (until you want to/unless you want to).

Learn about a few of the many submissive roles

Once you’ve pinpointed a role you’d like to play to get started you can dive deep into your fantasies and learn about some of the more specific kinks you’ve been dreaming off. Perhaps, for example, one of them is spanking. You can learn and read a lot about erotic spanking and how to prepare yourself for your first spanking. Sit down and write out your hottest fantasies to help you know what you are looking for and plug them into search engines. Keep in mind that porn is rarely a reflection on real experiences so limit your porn watching when learning about kink.

Explore your fantasies

The best resources for someone just exploring are the multitude of books and online resources available to you. This website was a good first step and I highly suggest you browse through the hundreds of articles here about a lot of different things. How to Be Kinky and How to Be Kinkier by Morpheous are good starting points. So is Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns by Molly Devon and Phillip Miller. If you learn better visually, there’s no better place than KinkAcademy, where for a small monthly subscription you can get kink educated. I highly recommend it.

Read everything

The final step for anyone who might think that the kink lifestyle is for them is to get out and meet people socially. Even if that means doing so from the safety of their own computer. Start out with a site like FetLife.com to find your local community and see if there is a get together you can attend. If not, at least chat with people in a reasonable distance. Learn what draws them to the lifestyle, make friends and ultimately perhaps, lifetime relationships. It’s a huge world so don’t worry about being overwhelmed. Everyone is at first. Take small bites, don’t rush into anything and enjoy the journey.

Meet people

Good luck!

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on July 22, 2015 07:00

Checks and Balances in Power Exchange

There are things we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have to let go. -Author Unknown

Very dear to my heart is a less-than-sexy but necessary dialogue that revolves around maintaining a healthy Power Exchange dynamic.

Now I know many reading this may feel like they would easily know if they were in an (emotionally or physically) abusive relationship. We are smart, capable lads and lassies, us s-types. We just enjoy the release of control Power Exchange offers in our lives.

The reality is that smart, capable people can get wrapped up in an abusive relationship, and it happens all the time.

Being a smart, capable woman whose self-awareness has led her to identify wholly as a slave, I have set up some checks and balances in my life that help me feel comfortable pushing myself further in my Power Exchange dynamic.

This isn’t because I don’t trust my Partner; quite the contrary. It’s because I trust Him so fully that I am able to immerse myself this deeply.

This is my rope I left dangling as I jumped down the rabbit hole.

My parachute as I free fall into the most breathtaking sky.

My peripheral vision while I focus on what’s in front of me.

Checks and Balances in Power Exchange

1. Read, research, and become fluent in the differences. There are of course differences between S&M and and physical abuse. Between D/s and emotional abuse. Do you know what they are? If your only response is “consent,” you haven’t done your homework. There are many signs of the differences between the two. I Google it often, read article after article, and really analyze whether what is happening falls on one side or the other. Stay objective if possible. Check in with yourself. If you’re afraid to research the differences, you may just be afraid of hearing the truth. My favorite check in spot is Sir Bamm’s BDSM vs Abuse article.

2. Stay close to “that person.” No, not your owner. That person in your life that knows you best. The one that can gauge your emotions without you speaking a word. The one who will speak up without fear of offending you. For me, it’s my parents. I have an incredibly close relationship with them. And even though they don’t know the inner workings of my marriage, they do see us together, they see me alone, they pay attention to me. I am confident that if something were to start going sideways into an unhealthy direction, they would notice and say something.

3. Stay close to others, too. Particularly other s-types. People who you can say, “this happened… what’s your feelings on it?” They can be real life friends, virtual friends, vanilla friends. If you isolate yourself, if your Partner is isolating you, that is a huge red flag. Friends should enhance your Power Exchange, not seem like a problem or intrusion.

4. I have a way out. Do you? Now I know, I know. You’re gonna last forever. Us too. This isn’t about not believing in your relationship. This is about having a realistic plan in place if you do ever want to leave. Logic vs. emotion. Many people are stuck in unhealthy relationships because of the physical or financial inability to leave. So I do have a way out. If I wanted to, I have a place to go, a way to get there, and some financial ability to start over without his help.

5. Pay attention to drug/alcohol abuse. In researching, over and over again drug and/or alcohol abuse listed as a red flag for abusive relationships. I believe this is doubly important in a PE dynamic. If you are seeing a person who continuously cannot control themselves with these substances, is it really a good idea to give them control over your mind and body? Probably not. Of course this isn’t knocking appropriate, controlled use, like a beer at the end of the day. Are they abusing these substances? If so, use caution.

6. Yes, you’re owned. Yes, your opinion matters. In emotionally abusive relationships, the abuser fights by manipulating words and feelings. Ask yourself constantly if the course of your relationship leaves you feeling heard. Do you have a chance to respectfully offer feedback, opinions, suggestions? Are you validated? Do you feel built up by exchanging power or do you feel torn down? Do you matter as much as your partner?

7. Living with intimidation vs. fear. Tricky line here. So much of my personal dynamic exists because of the sexy, lovely level of intimidation I have always felt for my husband. But I have never, ever been afraid of him. The intimidation that I feel is an “overawe” of him. His unending goodness, his ability to be stoically in control of any situation, his logically tuned brain. He is like living close to the sun, in the greatness of brilliance, knowing that he could create a grand fire so he dutifully remains at bay. But fear him? Never. Fear is a wholly negative feeling, one that conjures up threat and terror. Intimidation can be positive. Analyze your feelings around your Owner.

8. On punishment. I know many don’t have a punishment dynamic as part of their Power Exchange, but because we do and because others do as well: Know the difference between discipline and punishment; you should only be being punished for direct, inappropriate disobedience – you should not be punished for rules that have never been explained or brought into expectation; punishment should always fit the crime and intend to teach/enforce a lesson; punishment should serve as penance - once served out, the infraction should no longer be held over the s-type.

9. The “signs of abuse” in vanilla relationship that you see in your Power Exchange dynamic are both consented to and make you feel fulfilled. In doing the research, many of the “signs of abuse” actually are reflected in my marriage. Things like his choosing my clothing and hair style, his desiring me to check in throughout the day, making decisions in my social calendar. For the first time I’m mentioning consent but pushing it further: Ask, constantly, “Did I consent to this AND is this still making me feel happy and fulfilled?” Power Exchange is a broad scale and every relationship goes through a settling-in period to find that exact comfortable point of PE that works for the individuals involved. And it can change over time. You should be feel able to go to your Partner and say, “I’d like to be able to wear underwear again. May I explain what is going on in my world that makes that important to me?” and feel good about the conversation.

10. The encouragement of these. Not only does my husband know of these checks and balances, he encourages each and every one of them. He wants me to be close to my family; to be around friends. He knows I will reach out to others in the community to bounce ideas off of them and instead of being offended he gives me time away from serving to do so. He’ll ask me when was the last time I checked in with myself. He listens to me, really hears me, and drops the ego that he could do no wrong. He admits mistakes, applauds my learning more about myself, and pushes me to learn even more. Not only does he know about my exit strategy he’s made me financially capable to do so. He doesn’t want a slave that stays because she has to. He wants a slave that stays because she loves being there.

And I do. Boy I do.

“If you’re brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello.”

-Paulo Coelho

In the US: call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).

UK: call Women’s Aid at 0808 2000 247.

Australia: call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on July 21, 2015 07:00

Learn to Love The Body You Have – Submissive Meditation Monday

I’m devoting this Monday to meditation, reflection and devotion to submission. I hope to select topics that will get you thinking differently about some part of your life or submission and then just maybe grow a little bit further. If you have ideas for topics that might work for a Meditation Monday, please email me.

With yet another personal push to eat better and move more I’m in a focused headspace to finally drop some of this weight that I’ve been carrying for so long. And even though I’d love to be smaller, I’ve learned to accept my body as it is and will always work to be the healthiest I can be, any size that I am.

I’m not a fat advocate or a “love at any size” proponent. But I do feel that everyone, no matter what they look like, should feel good about the body they have and not constantly wish they were different. Being unhappy with yourself only breeds more depression and sadness. I doubt anyone goes about their day wishing for depression. And yet the media and social networks out there are always reminding us that we don’t fit into that prefect little photoshopped box they’ve made for the ideal body.

And no one ever will. Don’t make that your goal.

Stop what you are doing right now and go to the mirror. Whatever size mirror you have near you and look at yourself. Repeat this phrase as many times as you need to start believing it; “I am beautiful.”

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

It’s not just the inside that matters. It’s how you project yourself outward. Every single one of us has beauty and we’ve spent far too long not seeing it. Because of this little nit-picky thing or that flaw we fail to see the beauty that is always there. It could be the welcoming smile you have or the twinkle in your eye. It might be the honest look on your face and the steady gait. It could be your determined chin or the open hand that you offer to anyone in need. These parts of your body are beautiful which makes the whole of you beautiful.

Body confidence isn’t something you have, it’s something you learn and you nurture throughout your life. I didn’t always have the confidence I do now and I know that it will continue to grow and change as my body changes. Whether that be with decreasing weight or maintaining, I know that my body and what it can do is wonderful.

Stop listening to people who don’t know you. Start listening to all those kind voices and nurture your body and mind with positive thoughts. Why?

Because, as I said above, you are beautiful.

You are beautiful.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on July 20, 2015 07:00