Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 45

Being a Little Doesn’t Come with a Size or Age Limitation

The other day, my little sister gentlerayne, sent me a text message. She told me that I needed to check out this post in a Fetlife group. And boy, was she angry. Being angry isn’t her normal behavior. She’s very soft-spoken and a gentle soul. I knew whatever made her angry, was probably gonna irritate me as well. I was very much right in my thinking. Someone who calls himself a daddy(and I do use this term loosely) had asked a question. The question this young man had asked is if other daddies out there prefered their little girls to be in a specific age range and body type. He goes on in his post to say that he feels that adult females who consider themselves littles that are overweight and over a certain age(he specifically mentions women who are in their 40s and 50s), he can’t take them seriously as littles.

Now, I’m not one to tell someone how to live their life. Everyone is entitled to their opinions. While I strongly(and I mean VERY STRONGLY) disagree with what this member of Fetlife believes, that is okay because I don’t have to like everyone’s opinion. Just like everyone doesn’t have to like mine. But what he said, it’s something that a lot of littles struggle with already and is also a misconception by a lot of people who don’t understand the little dynamic.

I have already written an article about being a little and getting older and I don’t want to repeat what I’ve already said. While I think getting older is sometimes a difficult thing for most people in general, from what I’ve read from different threads on Fetlife, being a little and getting older tends to be just a tad more difficult than usual for those of us who are littles. It’s one of those tricky finding a balance and dealing with the biological age and to not get caught up in this mental loop that technically you’re too old to enjoy wearing pigtails and onsies. Like most people, we tend to be our own worst and toughest critics, beating ourselves up even more than what people outside the dynamic may do. I can’t speak for all the littles out there, but I know for myself, when I hear something like that from an individual, that because I’m a certain age makes me less of a little, it hurts. It hurts a lot. Not only do I feel like I’ve been kicked in the gut and the wind knocked out of me, but it jump starts that mental loop that I’m too old for this and start questioning and doubting myself.

I remember when I held the littles chat back in February, the topic of body dysphoria being attached to little space came up towards the end of the discussion. Everyone who was in attendance agreed that we struggle having adult bodies when we’re feeling much, much younger. This is a topic that I have seen pop up numerous times in little groups on both Facebook and Fetlife. These discussions range from dealing with having periods, to weight, to height, and everything you could possibly imagine in between. I’ve even talked to some littles who are bigger girls and it’s even more of a struggle because that cute little Lolita dress they’ve been jonesing after or the perfect onsie, doesn’t come in a big enough size. Even though it’s not meant to, it feels like another way that we’re being told “You’re not the right size to dress this way”, which tends to be another blow and make us question ourselves.

I kinda feel like I’ve been aimlessly rambling. When I set out to write this article, I had in mind this huge masterpiece, sounding all eloquent and stuff. I feel like I’ve missed the mark there, but what I am trying to say is, don’t judge a little by their cover. A little who is in their late fifties and overweight is just as much of a little who is in their early twenties and a size four. Appearance and age don’t make the little. When people do judge or say things like “You’re too whatever to be a little”, it hurts. It hurts a lot. Not only does it hurt, but those words have enough power to shatter someone on the inside in a way that may be unfixable. We littles tend to be very fragile creatures at times and needed to be treated as such. But the bottom line is, you’re never too old, too heavy, too tall, or too short to be who you really are.

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Published on September 15, 2015 07:00

Patience – Submissive Meditation Monday

I’m devoting this Monday to meditation, reflection and devotion to submission. I hope to select topics that will get you thinking differently about some part of your life or submission and then just maybe grow a little bit further. If you have ideas for topics that might work for a Meditation Monday, please email me.

I am not a patient person. I’ve always wanted immediate solutions, instant gratification and quick responses. Since being with Master I have had to learn patience. It’s a hard process, to be sure. I’ve had ten years practice and I’ve learned a few things about patience that make my service to him so much smoother, more elegant and less stressful. Let’s see if what I’ve learned about patience can help you connect with your own personal submissive style in this meditation.

Throughout my submissive life I’ve found that patience plays an important role. No matter how good or bad I am at it, I can consistently go back to the need and usefulness of patience. Others could argue that focus and intent is just as important but if I don’t have patience, then focus and intent are just going to fall away. So for me, and hopefully for you too, patience is an important characteristic to have.

Look at how patience works if you are single. Being single can be difficult if you don’t have patience to see it as a time for personal change, for dating and for exploring yourself. There’s no reason to rush into a relationship if you let patience work for you. Trust me, I know you are all yelling at your screens right now that waiting, sucks monkey balls! Yes, yes it does, but trust me when I say that it is so worth it.

Then, you’ve entered a relationship, it’s still very young and you don’t really know much about each other. Having patience to let the relationship unfold slowly. Then, as you learn new things you should use patience because you won’t be perfect right away and you will make mistakes. Patience will help you take it in stride and grow further than you could ever think.

And lastly, if the relationship has to end, having patience to allow yourself to recover, to grieve, to learn from it and to move forward is certainly going to be a healing process.

These are just a few of the ways patience can help you develop a relationship with yourself and your partner.

But there’s so much more to patience, isn’t there? Take some time today to reflect on how patience works for you, whether it is something you still need to learn or that you savor the moment with. How has patience taught you to be a better submissive? Can you think of a moment where you are grateful for the patience you showed?

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on September 14, 2015 08:00

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks,

Sometimes I don’t sleep well and when that happens even the smallest chores seem insurmountable! Today I’m doing my tasks that KnyghtMare has assigned while he is away at Kiva’s house and I’m thinking I’m going to have to nap to get it all done right. I’m sure it will be fine after that. It’s nothing like being sick. In that instance I’d get excused. But being tired is something that I have to just work through and perhaps take a nap before the complicated stuff.

How do you handle exhaustion? Do you get exceptions for fatigue?

Join the growing list of supporters and fans!
Next Goal: Monthly Webinars – I’m so close to this goal!!
I work hard to write and produce the content and I don’t ask for much in return. Supporting the site is a small way you can show me that you appreciate my efforts. If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a patron of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $3 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation.Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

Even in Lessons There Are More Lessons: How Being Punished Has More To Teach Than You Realize
Transformed: How Power Exchange Changed Us For The Better by Mrs. Darling
BDSM Isn’t Just About Power Exchange by tequilarose
Defining Sub Space by Mistress Steel

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask lunaKM Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

Ask lunaKM – How Can I Manage Sub Drop in a Long Distance Relationship?

I’m sure you have addressed this… But would you be willing to give some advice on sub drop in long distance relationships? I have been with my Dom 7 months and he is wonderful, amazing, and perfect at after care, but there still is the emotional sub drop after play. Thank you for any advice you can give!

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2014: Ask lunaKM – How can I take care of sore nipples after rough nipple play?
In 2013: Single In The Scene Part VI: Vulnerability by charmed blyss
In 2012: Conquer Me Book Club – Week 1
In 2011: The Importance of Taking Your Time
In 2010: On Being Worthless by Rick’s Fucktoy

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

Are you required to work out or keep in shape? Is that something closely monitored by your Master/Owner, or is that an area in which you are expected to be proactive?
What was your first sexual/play encounter with your current Owner like for you? If you don’t have a current Owner, tell us about your previous Owner.
How do you combat negative thinking?
How do you feel when you are humbled?
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!

Featured Podcast of the Week – KinkyCast

Episode #85 – NCSF / Consent Counts

11 Sep 2015, 11:01am GMT

→ KinkyCast

National Coalition for Sexual Freedom’s Judy Guerin discusses the history of consent, the complex legal notion of consent in the United States, and Consent Count project’s newest effort to decriminalize BDSM activities. https://ncsfreedom.org/

M4A audio (20MB, 53min)

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Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on September 13, 2015 10:00

Defining Sub Space

This is a guest post by Mistress Steel. It was part of her Steel’s Chamber Scrolls which is now defunct. Shared with Permission.

Subspace – This term generally is used to describe a moderate to deep trancelike condition experienced by persons in the submissive position in a D/s relationship during interaction with the person in the Dominant position in the relationship.

TOP SPACE: I will start by regarding top space or normal space. This is operational ground zero. The submissive in top space often appears quite aggressive, assertive and dominant. They will be hustling their children off to school, dominating their Dominant mate by organizing him/her off to work, cleaning and straightening the house, sending themselves off to work or to take care of business. They are the Commander of the ship, the General of the Army. Hustle, hustle, hustle. This is a submissives TOP SPACE.

MARGINALLY DOWN SPACE: This space occurs when the Dominant in the relationship directs attention at the submissive. This may be a glance, a light touch, a small sound or any combination of these triggers. This marginal appearing contact drops the submissive out of top space into a state of waiting and/or listening for command. She stops. Generally she will cease talking even in the midst of a comment. She may stop moving. She will generally attempt direct eye contact with her Dominant to see if he/she has a direction or command for her. If nothing further occurs she will most likely re-top. Or, go back to full functional top space. If the Dominant mentally presses…she will generally descend further into space.

SPRITE SPACE: Some submissives will squirm and utterly deny that this space exists. They will swear to you that they don’t have it, it doesn’t exist and they would never perpetrate mischief. Hmmm. Essentially just under or into down space there is a space where the submissive will test the Dominants attention, desire and will to control her. She may unclip cuffs, slide out of assigned position – all in total innocence. She didn’t hear that command, the blindfold muffled her ears…etc… Note: If she notes that the Dominant doesn’t catch her action she will feel he isn’t paying her attention, therefore doesn’t love her (mind of women at work).

BLONDE SPACE: Now, as the submissive descends into space her IQ tends to diminish in a progressive fashion. Many submissives will tell you that their up person is off to the side watching everything. They, will feel themselves getting slower mentally. I call this blonde space. In blonde space the submissive has trouble with rational thought. If you ask her if something is uncomfortable she is likely to say “I dunno”. The truth is – she doesn’t know. At this point she is not capable of distinguishing danger to herself, she cannot and will not utilize any safeword – it become incomprehensible to her. In her mind, she has you the Dominant, she loves and trusts you, you won’t let anything happen to her.

SUB-VOCAL or PRIMAL SPACE: Sometimes the Dominant and the submissive penetrate what I call the sub-vocal barrier. The submissive in this space loses her submissive nature. If you intend to take her there have her well tied. As she drops through into this deep space she can and will get feral. Her voice becoming primal grunts and sounds, her eyes may alter, she will he hypersensitive to sound, light, movement. She will be fast and very dangerous. She can and will claw you, bite you or toss you into a wall if you are a small man. In a sense she is tapping into ancient primal body language. She becomes a predator barely submitting. If she senses any weakness in your control she will attempt to take you out. She cannot ever utilize safe words here. She cannot remember how to articulate human speech.

These are the basic levels of subspace. Prior to beginning an exploration of subspace the Dominant and submissive should have intensive conversations about what she may expect and how she may feel. The Dominant should set up a sequence of escape words. This should be a simple question that would never occur in common life. Something such as “What color is your left big toe?” Her auto-UP UP UP response might be “My left big toe is orange!”Essentially this question asked at any time is her command to fast up or come to TOP SPACE NOW!!!

This escape question should be practiced multiple times until it becomes automatic.

I included thefore a very important reason…submissives in down space seldom laugh. Their ability to laugh and giggle seems to diminish as their focus intensifies on their Dominant in space. By requiring these as well, the Dominant is assured that the submissive has returned to top space. Note: this command should only be used in a problem situation. For regular activities in subspace the submissive needs and desires to be ‘caught’ by the Dominant gently and allowed to return to top space in a normal way…this can take hours of after play cuddling.

Some basic information: Never ever leave your submissive alone in space unless you wish to risk severe potential problems… You are her sole connection to reality. If you leave her alone she is likely to be terrified. She will return to top space at some point and may never forgive you for leaving her.

Always keep your commands simple and direct. In space she will obey but comprehension is limited. Never impose responsibility on her for any aspect of the play. If you want interaction stay in Marginal Space or Sprite Space (sometimes known as Sammy Space). In any other down space she will not communicate well verbally. She may be unable to articulate your name at all.

Talk to her in a reassuring fashion if penetration of subspace is new – she may be frightened. The further into space she goes the higher the chemicals pump into her blood stream and generally the more intensive the play can become. For a first timer, you need to tell her that subspace exists, what it is and how it may feel to her. She will desire to please you and open to seek this space. She must feel that you know what you are doing even if you do not. She must be convinced that she is utterly safe with you.

Penetration of the different levels will vary for many reasons. Some people can only go so far. They have inhibitors. Often the penetration may occur over many months as the level of trust increases and the submissive relaxes into new experiences. You should not expect full flight from the beginning.

Written by F.R.R. Mallory – also known as Mistress Steel. This article may be excerpted from Extreme Space, The Domination and Submission Handbook, Safe, Sane and Consensual, Dangerous Choices or other books by F.R.R. Mallory and shared here with her permission. Please click on the book title for information on how you can order a copy of these books and others by F.R.R. Mallory.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on September 11, 2015 07:00

BDSM Isn’t Just About Power Exchange

I have this habit whenever I read something that has hyperlinks in the article, I tend to open those hyperlinks. This causes me to usually have anywhere from 10-20 tabs open in my browser. But anyways, I was reading something and it led me to a website. At the same time, I was reading the book Poly Circuits by Raven Kaldera. Something that was said in this online article caught my eye and caused me to do a little page flipping in the book, because it had reminded me of something I had read earlier.

The quote from the website, dennisnajee.blogspot.com and the article Total Power Exchange :

In the end, is there a BDSM relationship without an exchange of power? I dont believe so. It is the one aspect that is fundamental to this way of life. Those who are seeking to maintain equality arent entering into the BDSM lifestyle. Instead, I think they are simply seeking to add some kink to their lives. This is a far cry from living a life with the exchange of power as a central theme. Total exchange of power is at our core.

The quote from Raven Kaldera’s book, Poly Circuits:

The BDSM demographic is an enormous umbrella over a huge diversity of people. There’s no way to generalize about any of us except to say the way we conduct either the context or the activities themselves of our love lives is considered to be outside the norm. Most BDSM people are in it for the kinky sex and there’s nothing wrong with that. Some of those folks play with power dynamics as part of a scene, but everyone involved knows that it’s not serious. A smaller number are serious about it while it’s happening, but keep it well boundaried inside the bedroom.

Both of these quotes say completely different things as to what it means to be a part of the BDSM lifestyle. Each of these individuals are allowed to have their opinion on the subject and I’m not saying one opinion is right or wrong. I will say though that I have to disagree with Dennis Najee’s opinion. And that’s okay because there will be some readers out there who agree with him and disagree with what Raven Kaldera has to say. And again, that’s okay because everyone is entitled to have their opinion.

When I was reading Poly Circuits, I highlighted(one of the things I LOVE about ebooks!) the above quote and took a screenshot so I could find it easier. It stuck with me that much. After I read the Kaldera quote, it got me thinking. A lot of people do think for an individual to be in a BDSM relationship, that a power exchange dynamic is required. It’s easy to see why people think that. A lot of information when it comes to BDSM does tend to be about power exchange relationships. But BDSM isn’t just about power exchange. It also includes sadists and masochists, the rope bunnies, the spankos, those who are into pet and pony play. All of those things don’t require being in a power exchange relationship. Even the BDSM Wikipedia page states BDSM is a variety of erotic practices involving dominance and submission, roleplaying, restraint, and other interpersonal dynamics and BDSM is used today (2015) as a catch-all phrase covering a wide range of activities, forms of interpersonal relationships, and distinct subcultures.

I feel that sometimes as a community we forget that there is more than power exchange involved in BDSM. While there may be a lot of people who practice BDSM who are involved in power exchange relationships, we can’t forget and exclude those who aren’t into power exchange.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on September 10, 2015 07:00

Ask lunaKM – How Can I Manage Sub Drop in a Long Distance Relationship?

I’m sure you have addressed this… But would you be willing to give some advice on sub drop in long distance relationships? I have been with my Dom 7 months and he is wonderful, amazing, and perfect at after care, but there still is the emotional sub drop after play. Thank you for any advice you can give!

You’re right, I have talked about sub drop before. I’ll start you off with the previous articles. Keep in mind they can help even if you are in a long distance relationship.

Research Page: Sub Drop
The Emotional Side of Sub Drop
Feeling Down After a Play Session? by moonlight
Caring for Yourself After a Scene: Self Aftercare
Free Printable – Creating a Drop Kit
Some of the Best Kept Secrets to Sub Drop Recovery
Chat Night Transcript from Sub Space and Sub Drop Talk
Twitter Chat Transcript of Dealing with Dom/sub Drop #domsubchat
Kink and Mental Health: Can “sub drop” be a trigger? by Rayne Millaray
Sub Drop Madness – Submissive Meditation Monday

And better yet, andyiccee wrote about coping with sub drop in a long distance relationship! This post will definitely help you in your particular situation.

Sub Drop From Afar by andyiccee

Whatever you feel, remember you aren’t alone and you can get through it. Long distance relationships are very taxing, even more so when you do have a face to face element to it. Remember to take care of yourself and allow yourself to feel lonely and sad as long as you know it’s temporary. Use the techniques in the articles above to find your own aftercare kit and steps to return to your normal self. Good luck.

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on September 09, 2015 08:00

Transformed: How Power Exchange Changed Us For The Better

When I first accepted BDSM into my life, it was like opening a hidden door to my soul and walking through it. That destination, that place of arrival, had nothing to do with sex.

(Well, maybe the tiniest bit.)

My marriage was dying. It was my second marriage (quite the accomplishment for being in my mid-twenties) and the first marriage had crashed and burned before the first wedding anniversary. As I sat at the kitchen table with my second husband- the one I married for love instead of naïve obligation- we held hands in the silence and stared at two phone numbers scrawled before us.

One, a divorce attorney.

The other, a marriage counselor.

God, we were unhappy. Something was wrong, so off, and neither of us could put a finger on exactly what it was. There was a dark chasm between us full of words we couldn’t string together; the room was full of cowardly silence. If you had asked us, we couldn’t even begin to describe how lost and alone we each felt. If you had asked us, we were doing, “Just fine!”

Polite smile.

At odds with this grave unhappiness was the realization that we were indeed wholly in love with each other still. That person holding my hand had an even stronger grip on my heart.

At the end of the beginning, the love won out. We called the marriage counselor as a last-ditch effort to resuscitate “us” and it was the first move towards the life I had never imagined but somehow of which I had still always dreamt.

Things we learned in marriage counseling:

We never really fought in our relationship, and that isn’t a good thing. It meant we were probably not being honest: swallowing down our feelings and pretending to be satisfied when we weren’t.
“Fine” is not an emotion. “Fine” stands for “Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional.” We immediately struck it from our vocabulary.
Once you acknowledge a problem, it is a lot less scary to deal with. Once you acknowledge a desire, it is a lot less scary to enjoy.
If you are communicating in an honest and healthy way, you will probably have to say things that will hurt your partner and will probably hear things from your partner that hurt. That can’t stop you from talking or listening. That can’t prevent you from speaking the truth. Even when it hurts. Maybe especially when it hurts.
Be true to yourself, and find a partner that is accepting of that real person.

We also learned in the midst of our open, non-judgmental communication:

- What my husband and I were missing in our relationship was called “Power Exchange,” as well as our mutual desire for kinky sex, as well as the release that comes with sadomasochistic play.

What were the odds that his secret, kinky desires would be so in line with my secret, kinky desires once that truth was laid on the table? Pretty good actually. See, we knew each other- our basic tendencies, our natural personalities- and that undercurrent of who we really are as people laid the groundwork for what it is that we do now.

Sometimes I felt as if I was comprised of entirely submissive bones. There was an aching inside, a longing to serve, a consideration of all others over myself. I felt a need to please that rattled within me every step that I took throughout life. I wanted to be led (not needed to be led, make no mistake, this was not about any lack of capability). I wanted to be led by somebody worthy, somebody amazing, somebody who would not only never lead me into harm but with his life protect me from the evil of the world. I was ready to comply.

My husband was a natural-born leader and had been from early on in his life. He was endlessly responsible and cool-headed in the tensest of situations; mature beyond his years. He was a Dominant: controlled but never controlling, firm but never unnecessarily, confident but never cocky, certain but still always learning.

But until we bravely uttered the acronym “BDSM” one rainy summer day after a particularly intense counseling session, MR was a Dominant with no way to channel that energy. I was a submissive with no word for myself.

BDSM. Bondage. Discipline. Dominance. Submission. Sadism. Masochism.

Intimidating, overcomplicated words for the newcomer. This I remember well. So much of that intimidation, though, is the unknowing; the fact that the words are so unspoken, so alternative.

But I believe that we as a society are on the cusp of an awakening. People are whispering these “BDSM” words with greater frequency. You can feel the air abuzz with curiosity. This is the age of alternative lifestyles. This is the age of accepting other people’s way of life. In this new age, as always, knowledge is power.

The more my husband and I learned about the root of these words by reading fiction and non-fiction alike, talking to knowledgeable people both online and in person, and absorbing the unique vernacular, the happier we became. We finally had words and a reference point for who we were. Dominant and submissive. Sadist and masochist. And over time, dearly, Master and slave. Once the words “Master” and “slave” left our lips: we were home.

After several years of living with power exchanged both in and out of the bedroom, we felt we had truly made the right choice at that dining room table. Not only were we together still, but more in love than ever before and now, happy. So happy with this new and incredible and sexy little uncomplicated life we had built through honest communication. Our energy was unlike any relationship we had ever experienced. I would go to bed and dream of my husband. Wake up and stretch across the bed for him. There are not enough hours in the day or days in the years or years in a lifetime to satisfy my desire to be with him. To serve him. And of course, he feels the same. I am the most important possession he owns, held up on a pedestal to be protected and admired, something to be guarded with his life.

Last year we publically recommitted our lives together both as husband and wife and as Master and slave by performing The Ceremony of Roses. We were bound in blood that night and I can still look down at my middle finger that was pricked and feel his blood- his very life force- flowing together with mine. We can no longer be undone. We no longer want to be undone.

It is a complete transformation from the silent, dismal couple fighting to survive many years ago, seemingly a lifetime away, staring at two phone numbers and making a choice from which they could never return. Now we sit at the kitchen table together each evening staring instead at the home, the family, and the happiness we have created, making no more difficult of a decision than what to have for dessert.

The change came from hard work, from a commitment to stay together and making things good again, from communicating, from listening to our partner and accepting their unique needs. It was not because of what we did with our loins. Not by a long shot.

I feel like I haven’t even touched the tip of the iceberg that is all of “us”; all that is BDSM. I’m okay with that. Because my tale is not everybody’s tale. Everybody is somewhere different on the unique path of this alternative lifestyle. Some at the very beginning. Some just finally slipping acronyms and discussions like “SSC vs. RACK” over their tongues like a fluid second language. Some deeply entrenched in their own BDSM history.

I would just like to say to you, alternative lifestyler, that whether you are here from the LGBTQ community, from the ethically non-monogamous/polyamorous community, from the Leather community, from the rope community;

Regardless of your gender or your gender questioning, regardless of your sexual orientation or exploration, regardless of your income level or education level or health or weight or age;

Whether you are at this place alone or are preparing to brave that first spine-chilling conversation with your partner or are holding the hand of the person you call Master or Mistress while you read;

If you’re here for the B, or the D, or the D/s or the S&M, or several of those, or all of those;

If you’re here only for the sex or if you want nothing to do with sex;

If you’re here only for the pain or if you want nothing to do with pain;

If you have no idea why you are actually here outside of a gut instinct, a pull, a desire;

To all of you:

Welcome home.

Your transformation awaits.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on September 08, 2015 07:00

Even in Lessons There Are More Lessons: How Being Punished Has More To Teach Than You Realize

from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 6/6/15

Often when I come to write here, it’s because I’ve had a lightbulb moment and I feel the desire to share what I’ve discovered, realized or figured out. Still other times it’s because I’ve learned a lesson and want to do my best to help you avoid it, or learn from my mistakes. I may have been a submissive, turned slave for over 11 years, but I am far from the perfection I seek everyday in my service to KnyghtMare. I make mistakes, some small, some large and for that I am corrected, disciplined or punished. Yet, even when I’m being punished there’s a lesson to be learned. It’s not just about the lesson that the Dominant is trying to teach you, but for yourself; how to repair faith in yourself and your chosen submission, how to lift the guilt and how to humbly move on in apology, progress and recovery.

Unfortunately mistakes do happen and slips can occur at any point in your personal submissive journey. I’d like to make a distinction here though that some rules should never be broken and there are lines that should never be crossed. The fate of your relationship could be contingent on your obedience within these limits. But we all have rules and/or directions from our Dominants for things they prefer that we do or how to act that we, as submissives, sometimes forget. It can be intentional, which is a fracture of the relationship’s communication, in my opinion. Or accidental, in a case of slipped focus. You know that there are rules and yet you’ve let one slip in a moment of spontaneousness, through peer pressure of friends or family or you simply did forget. For the purpose of the article I want to steer clear of relationship ending mistakes and talk about the ones that mean you slipped or that you need correction and discipline to move past the infraction.

I’m currently being punished for something that while it’s not inconsequential to my relationship with KnyghtMare it’s not important to know what it is for this article. I have a week of punishment and then he will consider the error corrected, I’ll have atoned for it and it will be forgiven. All of this is with the understanding that I’m not to do it again. I’m to learn from my mistake and the punishment is to remind me what is at stake. I’m also constantly reminded that I upset him, disappointed him and that’s hard to feel and work though. But it also gives me time to reflect and repair the damage not only to my submission to Master but also the faith in myself to submit and honor KnyghtMare with my service.

Sure I could spend the whole week beating myself up over my mistake but nothing good has ever come from guilt. I first need to forgive myself and then to ask for forgiveness from KnyghtMare. This is a difficult step for anyone because it means admitting you were wrong (even if in your situation you feel you were in the right). A simple, heartfelt “I’m sorry,” goes a long way to making the changes you need. There are more elaborate ways to apologize, such as my apology for small slips in behavior which is “I’m sorry Master, I’m a bad girl.” Find the way that works for you and your dynamic.

Moving past apology is a hard step for most of the submissives I know and talk to because of the guilt we burden ourselves with. It can eat at us for hours, days and weeks if we let it. But learning to let it go is an important step in growing as a submissive and as a person. How you handle guilt from punishment is a personal thing, but I find journaling to be a strong outlet for me. Then working out how to prevent the mistake in the future can give me the positive progress I need to let the guilt go. Whatever it is, guilt will only hinder your progress. The sooner you can release it, the sooner you can recover your faith in yourself and your positive outlook on your submission.

By this stage you may be still in punishment if your Dominant applies grounding techniques, or if your relationship has physical punishment you probably have already been served. At this point, you need to realize that once the punishment is over the infraction is dealt with and your Dominant wants nothing else but to move on and stop dwelling on it – and they want you to not do it again. If you continue to carry guilt and mope about because of what you did and that you got caught (oh noes!) it counters what you should be doing.

Make a plan, in your head or on paper on how to correct your mistake. Often it just means avoiding the thing that lured you to begin with. It could mean you end relationships or activities if things need to be drastic enough. In the end it all depends on the mistake you made and why you are in trouble to begin with. Use realistic steps to help you work through your mistake. Take those necessary steps to your Dominant to help you progress. A support system is definitely helpful. If you don’t have a support system you could develop your own personal accountability plan. Whatever you choose, progress is best rewarded.

We can do this, together. Learning from mistakes is a part of the journey. Sure it’s a setback, but it’s never a dead end. Good luck and remember you can improve and get past your mistakes.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on September 07, 2015 07:00

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks,

KnyghtMare got his driver’s license this week! There were a few reasons he didn’t have one before this, the main one being he refused to drive my beat up, old car. Now that he also goes to Kiva’s every weekend, and we purchased a newer car he rushed off to get his permit and now his license. It makes him freer to explore and get out of the house without having to have me drive. He drives very different than I do so it will take some getting used to. He’s not dangerous or anything and I realize everyone has preferences when driving. It’s just, unnerving.

Do you do most of the driving in your relationship? Is it considered a service you provide? Or does your Dominant do the driving?

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Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

[Video Post] Improving Your Submission – Setting Goals and Making a Plan
Coping with Different Sex-Drives in a Relationship by kallista
M/s and When Life Happens: Dealing With Health Challenges and Death by charmed blyss
BDSM Relationships: Strings or no-Strings (Sponsor Post)

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Ask lunaKM – Are There Subtle Ways I Can Cue My Partner Into My Interests?

Would really appreciate it if I could get some advice or your opinion on this ? I’ve always found that submission and being dominated really turns me on. That’s about the only thing I find sexually stimulating but my boyfriend doesn’t really know the extent of what I really like in the bedroom. I’m extremely shy to even let him know this because of the reaction I might get. We both enjoy rough sex and him being in control but have never gone beyond that. I’d like to know how to subtly tell him.

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Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2014: Ask lunaKM – How do I ask to be collared?
In 2013: Submissive Guide Ecourses – Do They Really Help?
In 2012: Love in a D/s Relationship
In 2011: The Outline of a Good Compatible Dominant
In 2010: The Abuse Debate: A Matter of Acceptance Not Consent by Darkrose

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Featured Podcast of the Week – The People of Kink

GovernessTY

30 Aug 2015, 5:00am GMT

→ The People of Kink

On this episode we talk to GovernessTY from Dallas, Texas. We hear about how she came to be a Professional Dominatrix and how she balances her kinky life with her family life. We all have families to deal with and it doesn’t mean that you can’t have a kinky filled life too. We also talk about being a woman of colour and how that has been a positive thing for her in so many ways in this lifestyle.

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Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on September 06, 2015 10:00

BDSM Relationships: Strings or no-Strings

So what sort of BDSM partner is it you’re looking for? It seems like such a simple question, after all when we think about BDSM we immediately picture a casual encounter where anything goes. However that is simply not the case, much like any situation involving two consenting people the options available to you are vast, each offering their own perks.

Believe it or not but as is the case with partners of a standard relationship, those in a BDSM one can also be broken into two types – short-term and long-term. Which is the better of the two is up for debate since much like most things in life, each has their pros and cons.

Firstly and perhaps most obviously having a series of casual partners brings with it plenty of diversity. Whether you’ve had a casual partner for a day or two or even a few weeks, the beauty of sex with no strings is at any moment you can see what else is out there. Furthermore an increase in partners can lead to an increase in discovery. Sticking with someone long-term is all well and good, but having a series of shorter relationships gives you more chance of meeting someone who could teach you something new. After all we are all different and like different things. Especially with something like BDSM there are so many options and ideas out there you’re bound to come across someone who knows a thing or two you might not have even considered.

Of course when you’re seeing multiple short-term BDSM partners, it brings with it an element of excitement and sometimes even risk. Meeting new people is always an exciting time and with short-term partners this feeling will be much more frequent. Also if you’re both in it for a casual experience, you could possibly be dealing with someone who has a partner already or is perhaps even married. This offers an element of risk that leads to the excitement of being caught.

On the other side of the coin long-term BDSM partners have their benefits too. It may seem obvious but being with the same person over an extended period of time, helps develop a grander sense of trust between the two. As you begin to trust someone more you start to feel you can open up and truly explore your sexual desires. While a short-term commitment offers a riskier experience, something longer is more suited to those a little shy or perhaps closed off when it comes to discussing their BDSM fantasies.

It should come as no surprise, but long-term BDSM partners bring with them a much deeper and more focused kink. This isn’t some stranger you’re dealing with but rather someone you know on a more personal level. Therefore you understand their likes and dislikes. Whereas with short-term deals where you’re constantly having to learn what a new person likes and dislikes every time, here you can refine your art together.

Where you’re looking for short-term or long-term BDSM partners, both have their appeal and really it comes down to what you want from the relationship. Most importantly however – they’re both fun!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on September 04, 2015 07:00