Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 44

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks,

I met with a personal trainer at the gym KnyghtMare and I joined earlier this year. We went through all the machines and discussed my goals so that he could create a program to help me reach them. Well, I got the program back and boy is it going to kick my butt for awhile! It’s a four day plan with 3 days being some area of strength training and a cardio warm up and cool down. The forth day is a more intense cardio session. I told him my goal was to lose at least 60 lbs by mid-May. It’s doable and that’s good news.

Join the growing list of supporters and fans!
Next Goal: Monthly Webinars – I’m so close to this goal!!
I work hard to write and produce the content and I don’t ask for much in return. Supporting the site is a small way you can show me that you appreciate my efforts. If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a patron of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $3 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation.Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

He Wants to Watch: How to Share Your Masturbation Sessions With Confidence
For People Suffering From Stale Sex by andyiccee
For Those Struggling to Enter the Community by Mrs. Darling
Book Review: Power Circuits by Raven Kaldera by tequilarose

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask lunaKM Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

Ask lunaKM – Should I Wait For Him or Move On?

Hi Luna. Yes I have a question…. I never know where I stand with this man. He talks about the future when we are together. He brings it up, he speaks what we will be doing etc. I don’t say too much. I want this very badly, but he calls all the shots. This is fine with me. Then no communication for days. We live 200 miles apart. Just high one minute and low the next. I keep wondering if I should move on or wait it out some more………. Any suggestions?

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2014: [Free Printable] Creating a Drop Kit
In 2013: Ask lunaKM – Roleplay Scenarios, Unable to Kneel and Boost of Confidence
In 2012: Ask lunaKM | The Effects of Fisting
In 2011: Ask SehAnru | Communicating kinky needs to a vanilla partner
In 2010: Book Review: Exhibitionism for the Shy: Show Off, Dress Up and Talk Hot!

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

Have you ever experienced sub drop? How do you and your owner deal with it?
Write out three of your favorite sexual fantasies. If this is new to you, make one up now.
“I want to put myself absolutely at your mercy for good or evil without any condition, without any limit to your power.” -Leopold von Sacher-Masoch
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!

Featured Podcast of the Week – Ropecast

Princess Kali on EROTIC HUMILIATION PLAY

26 Sep 2015, 10:00am GMT

→ Graydancer’s Ropecast

Erotic humiliation play. It?s mainstream enough to be in box-office smash hits but taboo enough that some of the kinkiest players hesitate to even talk about it. Enough to Make You Blush separates the rumors from the facts and explains why some people think being completely awful is absolutely wonderful. – EnoughToMakeYouBlush.com Princess Kali, creator of powerhouse BDSM education site “Kink Academy” and innovative adult sex ed “PassionateU.com” comes to the Ropecast talking about the topic of erotic humiliation. Gray got a preview of her upcoming book, and he talks with her about the many ways that this kind of play fits perfectly in the rope community – possibly in ways that might surpr…

M4A audio (81MB, 59min)

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Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on September 27, 2015 10:00

Book Review: Power Circuits by Raven Kaldera

After I read Real Service by Raven Kaldera and his slave Joshua Tenpenny, I knew I had to read more of their works because of how awesome Real Service is. I knew I would find their other books just as informational as I had Real Service. I wasn’t at all disappointed in Power Circuits.

Power Circuits is a book about polyamory in a power dynamic relationship. At first, I didn’t really see why there would be a difference between a vanilla polyamorous relationship versus one where a power dynamic is involved. I read Tristan Taormino’s Opening Up, and while I didn’t notice this at the time, most of the couples that she talked about, were not in a power dynamic relationship. I didn’t realize this until reading Kaldera’s Power Circuits.

There are some things that whether the poly relationship is a vanilla one or has the involvement of a power dynamic, that just don’t change. Things such as trust, open communication, honesty, and transparency. While reading, I noticed that yes, there are some small nuances that can make a difference.

There is a lot of information covered in this book. There are a lot of great quotes and other essays mentioned and quoted. The last three chapters of the books are personal essays from those in charge, those who surrender and from those who are in a poly family. I love the essays because it gives the readers to hear personal accounts of others who are involved in polyamorous relationships and how the individuals process being in this type of relationship.

Something else that Kaldera also covers in this book are questions that s-types need to ask themselves if the D-type is interested in getting involved in a poly relationship, different types of intensity levels that happen within a power dynamic, how to deal with attitudes, how to introduce polyamory to a monogamous s-type, as well as how to incorporate an egalitarian partner.

If you are in a power dynamic relationship and are thinking of possibly opening up your dynamic to include polyamory, then this book is a must read for all parties involved. There are so many wonderful points that are covered in this book and no matter what side of the slash you are on, the reader will take away a lot from this book.

You can purchase a copy of Power Circuits on Amazon and from Alfred Press.

Tequila R’s Rating: 10/10

Paperback: 276 pages

Publisher: Alfred Press (December 18, 2010)

Language: English

ISBN-10: 0982879415

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on September 25, 2015 07:00

Book Review: Poly Circuits by Raven Kaldera

After I read Real Service by Raven Kaldera and his slave Joshua Tenpenny, I knew I had to read more of their works because of how awesome Real Service is. I knew I would find their other books just as informational as I had Real Service. I wasn’t at all disappointed in Poly Circuits.

Poly Circuits is a book about polyamory in a power dynamic relationship. At first, I didn’t really see why there would be a difference between a vanilla polyamorous relationship versus one where a power dynamic is involved. I read Tristan Taormino’s Opening Up, and while I didn’t notice this at the time, most of the couples that she talked about, were not in a power dynamic relationship. I didn’t realize this until reading Kaldera’s Power Circuits.

There are some things that whether the poly relationship is a vanilla one or has the involvement of a power dynamic, that just don’t change. Things such as trust, open communication, honesty, and transparency. While reading, I noticed that yes, there are some small nuances that can make a difference.

There is a lot of information covered in this book. There are a lot of great quotes and other essays mentioned and quoted. The last three chapters of the books are personal essays from those in charge, those who surrender and from those who are in a poly family. I love the essays because it gives the readers to hear personal accounts of others who are involved in polyamorous relationships and how the individuals process being in this type of relationship.

Something else that Kaldera also covers in this book are questions that s-types need to ask themselves if the D-type is interested in getting involved in a poly relationship, different types of intensity levels that happen within a power dynamic, how to deal with attitudes, how to introduce polyamory to a monogamous s-type, as well as how to incorporate an egalitarian partner.

If you are in a power dynamic relationship and are thinking of possibly opening up your dynamic to include polyamory, then this book is a must read for all parties involved. There are so many wonderful points that are covered in this book and no matter what side of the slash you are on, the reader will take away a lot from this book.

You can purchase a copy of Power Circuits on Amazon and from Alfred Press.

Tequila R’s Rating: 10/10

Paperback: 276 pages

Publisher: Alfred Press (December 18, 2010)

Language: English

ISBN-10: 0982879415

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on September 25, 2015 07:00

For Those Struggling to Enter the Community

I logged onto Fetlife one early Friday morning with a steamy cup of joe and saw this message straight away:

I was there last night but didn’t get out of my truck. I was still in my work clothes and didn’t really know how to find you guys. Maybe I’ll try again next month.

As the host of the previous night’s kink social event, my heart sank. This is one of the most disappointing things I could have read, second only to the emails that I don’t ever receive; the people who don’t even make it to the parking lot.

I understand. You don’t know anybody there. There are about a bajillion worst case scenarios that your brain has conjured up ever since you first desired to head out into the local community.

What will everybody be like? What will they expect me to be like? What should I call everybody? What should I call myself?

What if somebody I know is there?

What if I go up to the wrong table?

What if I find the right table and I simply don’t fit in?

What if… what if… what if… what if…

Maybe that’s the toughest part. The sense of being all alone in that situation. The unknowing.

Maybe I can help.

-

Hi. My name is Darling. I am 34 years old; a Leo who adores being the center of attention. I come from a big city and a big Italian family. I miss the concrete jungle and wish my man saw skyscrapers as “homey” the way I do. I am very blonde and very loud and almost always talk emphatically with my hands. I never sit down unless I absolutely have to; I just have that much energy. You’ll get used to it, used to me, over time my future friend.

I too was worried about how I looked and whether I was wearing the right clothes before I showed up that night. It was my umpteenth event and while I know now with certainty that I won’t ever be judged based on the clothes I am wearing to a kink event, I have never been able to stop my desire to look appropriate and nice. I feel you, dear internet stranger that I have yet to meet.

I am happily married to a man I have known for ten years, married just over five. We’ve had ups, and downs, and plenty of in the middles. We have never hung up the phone without saying, “I love you,” but never talked about the fact that we do. Guess it’s just always felt like our way. During the hardest of our struggles, my friends that I have made in this lifestyle have been the ones to build us back up; to talk us through the storm.

Speaking of those friends: Know how many women I have met that are similarly walking my path since attending my first event?

More than I could ever count.

An amazing thing happens when you get together with like minded kinksters. It’s not just about being able to have a conversation about your wants and desires with people who won’t judge. Yes, that, certainly. But it is the speed with which you can have a conversation. We read all this stuff online and begin to understand the lingo, the verbiage. But until you can talk with somebody in person, to stare into another person’s set of unique eyes and watch them crease at the corner in empathy, in understanding, instead of the eyebrow-raised questioning of vanilla folk, you can’t understand how necessary this is. They get it without explanation; without slowing you down or trying to understand your point of view. We “get” it. These people have become more than ordinary acquaintances and friends. They have become mylifeline.

So, anyway, I love to go to the gym (actually, I LOVE pasta, and in that turn I have learned to love the gym) and I paint and write and read. I spend a lot of time worried about where I am headed in life, or about bills, or about my children. I volunteer at the kid’s school whenever I can and almost always regret it while there, surrounded by noise and stickiness, but always end up doing it the next time again for another chance to watch my kids grow up before my very eyes.

I practice hair and make up tutorials from YouTube, I am just now learning to accessorize, I waste free time on silly games, I convince myself I am not doing enough for others despite not ever seeming to have “me” time.

I doubt. I cry. I get hormonal. I love. I laugh so loud sometimes I stop a room and garner stares from strangers.

I am a stranger to you, dear brand new community member. But I hope now I am a little less intimidating, a little less unfamiliar, a little more comfortable to walk up to and say, “Hi, my name is… and you are…?”

If not, or if I sound like a nightmare of a person to you and you couldn’t be less interested in me now, trust me, I am one of so many choices. The table was full of a mix of life, people who are sharing in the human experience with you. With us both.

Maybe it was somebody else’s first night too. You’ll never know unless you get out of that truck next time.

And if it’s still hard, and still uncomfortable, and stillhas completly immobilized you in your truck, there is one thing I can give you that can GUARANTEE you will have something in common with every single person at that gathering.

It’s not our kinks, it’s not our relationship status or age or dynamic or what we think may turn us on.

Every single person at that table, at one point in their life, has sat in a parking lot of a restaurant or party or bar or coffee house with their hand on a door handle perched firmly between “too scared go in” and “too scared to go on without people who understand.”

Every single one us have decided: no more.

-

Dear internet-stranger-turned-now-acquaintance, I have no idea if you will find what you are seeking at the table of our local sports bar where we meet. You may find friends, or a play partner, or nothing at all.You may in fact discover that whatever you are seeking is not this. Of that I have no guarantee.

But I can assure you that the next time you are sitting in a parking lot with your hand holding that door handle- I know exactly how you feel.

You can do it. I believe in you. Because I have seen so many come before you, including myself, and I will see so many more that follow.

Next month, open the door, find the loudest blonde around, walk up and say, “Are you Darling?”

I will be.

And we will be strangers no more.

If you are in a small town where no local events exist, or if you are looking to find a niche group of like minded kinksters and are looking to start a new event in your local community, look for my follow up piece about Starting A New Local Group (coming soon).

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on September 24, 2015 07:00

Ask lunaKM – Should I Wait For Him or Move On?

Hi Luna. Yes I have a question…. I never know where I stand with this man. He talks about the future when we are together. He brings it up, he speaks what we will be doing etc. I don’t say too much. I want this very badly, but he calls all the shots. This is fine with me. Then no communication for days. We live 200 miles apart. Just high one minute and low the next. I keep wondering if I should move on or wait it out some more………. Any suggestions?

Communication is the only way we have to know what someone else is thinking and their intentions. It’s probably why I talk about successful communication so much on this site. I know you say that you don’t say much and that is a problem. If you are really a part of this relationship, long distance or not, you need to have a voice. If you let him call all the shots, especially in the early stages of a relationship, then he could assume that you are just going to wait on his pleasure whenever he has an inkling. Sure, it’s possible that’s not the case, but the fact that you told me he doesn’t stay in contact with you gives me that impression.

It’s quite clear you aren’t happy with this situation and the only way you can correct it is if you take responsibility for your side of the relationship. Being submissive does not mean you make no decisions at all. It does mean you take some personal responsibility to make sure your needs and desires are being met – in this case your need for more consistent communication.

The importance of communication really does help you decide if you should wait it out or move on. If you feel he should be keeping in contact more often and you’ve raised that concern with him but he doesn’t change then maybe he isn’t the right guy for you to spend your time with. The key here is that you learn to use your voice. He may be the Dom but you are still trying to be in a relationship which means that your wants and needs are just as important as serving his.

Is there a reason you haven’t met him yet? Two hundred miles is a driveable distance in a single day and you could learn more about him face to face. Should you wait or move on? That’s up to you, but I think I’d try to correct the issues with communication by speaking up about it first and see what comes out of it.

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on September 23, 2015 08:00

For People Suffering From Stale Sex

A common topic of conversation among my friends is that after several years with their partners, their sex life becomes stale. The pizzazz and excitement of sex dissipates over time as you exhaust many of the sexual options that you have and learn how to work your partner’s body. Sex becomes mundane and more of a chore. I am sure that you have heard of this, or could be experiencing this.

BDSM, while it provides more options for things you can do sexually, can potentially still fizzle out. While it is important to understand that you are not alone in your experience of “stale sex,” it is also important to know that it is possible to work through this problem and rekindle the sexual tension and excitement that you and your partner once had.

Take a Break

I know this sounds counter-intuitive – why would you stop having sex in order to make sex better? The answer is simple, it can make you want it more. Have you ever been separated from your partner for a period of time? You missed them both emotionally, and physically. Then when you saw each other and were finally able to have sex, it was probably amazing – because there was a build-up.

The build-up of sex is one of the most important parts of sex, and one of the first things to go when you have a long-term relationship, and especially if you see each other very often (such as living together). When you started having sex you would make out for a long time first, there was probably a lot of foreplay, you probably felt like you were close to cumming before you even started having sex. But people get lazy, they don’t have time for that any more, and you probably do not demand it because you feel like a burden, or that it is not your place to ask for these things.

Taking that sexual break will help to build the tension back up. You can set a date that you do not want to have sex before, or simply abstain until both of you cannot take it anymore and you crave sex.

Talk About It

If you feel that the sex is boring, I can almost guarantee you that your partner is thinking the same thing. They will be able to tell that you don’t seem all that jazzed about sex, but may be continuing the pattern of having mundane sex in the hopes that it will magically get better, or because they do not know how to bring it up. Like I always say, communication is key in these situations.

Just bring it up – it is like ripping off a band-aid. Tell your partner how you are feeling and try to figure out where the sex started to slip and try to generate a solution plan. Maybe your partner started to become selfish in bed, maybe you became complacent, maybe you both have a lot of other stuff on your plate. Regardless of what it is, you need to figure it out before you attempt to remedy the situation. In cliché terms – admitting you have a problem is the first step to finding a solution.

Masturbate

People who masturbate regularly report, according to sexual health research, more likely to have better sex. They know their own bodies better and are better able to control sex so that they derive pleasure from it. If your partner and you have not discussed masturbation, or you typically do not masturbate for any reason, think about it, it could drastically improve your sex life. Plus, porn might give you a better idea of what piques your sexual interests and what doesn’t. Maybe you’re craving vanilla sex and you didn’t realize it until you saw someone else doing it, maybe you want a threesome, who knows, but it’s worth a shot. And you’ll be getting off, win/win.

Explore Your Options

This is two-fold. Look for new activities for your partner and you to try (as stated above, porn is a good option), but also reading articles, doing research, reading erotic novels and posts, and talking to people. There are all great options of ways to discover more sexuality.

There is also the potential that your partner and you might not be a great match long-term. You may love them greatly now and appreciate them dearly, but if they are unable to meet your sexual needs, they may not be a great match for you. Sex is important in a relationship. While it need not be the foundation, and some relationships are able to thrive without it, if you’re noticing a change and missing what you had, it is probably something that is important to you and you shouldn’t comprise your needs for your partner. Keep that in mind, you need to remember that your needs should be one of your top priorities because if your needs are not getting met, then you are not able to meet other people’s needs.

He Wants to Watch: How to Share Your Masturbation Sessions With Confidence

from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 6/20/15

I know for myself, some of the most embarrassing things my Dominant has asked me are actually quite tame. One of the early ones was masturbating in front of him. Sure I’d been doing it on camera for him for months but having him sit there in the room, within touching distance, was a whole new world of nerves. But it doesn’t have to be that way and I’ve learned to embrace this part of my sexuality as no longer a taboo secret but something shared and very hot. Especially hot for him, but really hot for me because I see what it does to him. Don’t you want to drive your partner wild too?

So what is it about watching a woman masturbate that gets men so stirred up? Guys are voyeurs. They feast off of what they can see and if it’s sexual in nature they get a real thrill from it. From a young age, boys are caught trying to peek into the girl’s shower room, looking for porn magazines, stealing their mother’s lingerie catalogs. It’s all about seeing the female form being sexy and hopefully naked. It goes without explanation then that men love to watch women masturbate.

In fact, “one psychological cue for arousal in men is female sexual pleasure,” says computational neuroscientists Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam in a Time article on pornography. Which is probably why girl on girl porn is the highest marketed variety with solo female masturbation a close second. Just look at the free porn sites out there, the majority of the clips are solo women or two women. Men watching women having sexual pleasure is a huge turn on. With that, let’s figure out how we can break down our own walls of fear, embarrassment, shyness and poor body confidence to become their favorite source of this material, shall we?

What’s Stopping You?

Let’s face it; we learn from a young age that either masturbation is taboo or a sin or that it should be done in private and no one must know. As those of us who enjoy masturbation, we learn ways to not get caught, hide it from our partners and enjoy it only alone (often in a dark room under the covers). It’s very clear that for us to share masturbation with another we’ll have to embrace this very sexual act as normal and healthy acceptable behavior.

Shyness and embarrassment are a common affliction; especially with women. It’s wonderful when you see a confident woman enjoying herself and you too can be more confident.

Body insecurities are prevalent with everyone. Once you realize that your man isn’t picking apart your flaws like you do and it thoroughly enjoying watching you it can free you to feeling better about yourself. He’s with you. He’s having sex with you. Your body isn’t turning him off. It’s quite the opposite. While I can’t give everyone the body confidence necessary in just this one post, why not try some of these links to help you find your sexy self.

Also, if you are really shy there’s a great book out there that will definitely help you. It’s called Exhibitionism for the Shy by Carol Queen and I highly recommend it. If you’d like to know how I felt about it after I read it, check out the review!

How It Helps Your Sexual Relationship

I bet you didn’t think there would be any benefits to masturbating for your Dominant, did you? Well there’s always good things that can come out of trying something new; even if the activity is “old hat” to you, it’s new to him watching you!

Sharing masturbation time will strengthen the intimacy you have with each other. Since this is usually a private activity, making it a shared one says you trust them with your whole self and that your pleasure is worth sharing.
He’ll learn how you like to pleasure yourself and perhaps pick up a few tips! Men are visual creatures, if you haven’t noticed already. The love to see what’s going on. So when you show them how you masturbate they are going to stand up and pay attention. Literally!
Exploring this side of yourself with an audience can help you figure out even more about yourself and your sexuality. You’ll be more aware of what you are doing and how you are doing it so you can help your partner get you off when it’s their turn.
If your sex life has been a bit blah for a while, this is definitely a way to spice it up! And there are so many ways you can show off to your partner that he’ll never get bored. Not that THAT was a danger anyway.
Ideas for Your First “Show”

Your Dominant partner will find nothing quite as sexy as you giving him a real solo scene of your very own, and has likely requested that of you. Here are a few tips for putting on a show just for him.

Make sure you feel good. This is more about you than him, but if you’re feeling awkward and shy you’re not going to come across as a liberated sex goddess. And you know that liberated sex goddess’ are all confident women! Have a bubble bath, a glass of wine, put on some sexy music, read some erotica –whatever gets you in the mood.
Put on some sexy lingerie. Again this is more about you than him as he probably won’t care what you’re wearing at this point, but treat both him and you to some nice silky or lacy number that makes you feel sexy, brave and adventurous. To up to naughty factor you could select something see-through or crotchless.
If you want to do a little foreplay action first, give him a slow and sexy lap dance. Pour oil on yourself, caress your breasts, tell him not to touch you. You’ll feel powerful, and he’ll be ridiculously turned on.
Take your time touching yourself. No one knows how to touch yourself as well as you and if he pays attention he will pick up a few tips.
Don’t be afraid to use your favorite toy. Use a vibrator or dildo on yourself if it helps you to orgasm or you are feeling daring.
If you or he would rather he was more involved, have him talk dirty to you, put his hand over yours so he can feel how you do it, or have him caress your breasts at the same time. Or he can return the favor by masturbating as well.
You could also use the shower to help you give a good show. I recommend getting a clear, see through shower curtain. Then have him sit and watch you shower one day. Soap up your breasts really good, and the rest of your body too. Use your hands and fingers in blatantly sexual ways, to entice him more. Drop the soap, so that you need to turn around and bend over seductively to pick it up. Then you could use the shower head to bring yourself to orgasm, or you could simply hike up your leg and let him watch you masturbate with your fingers.
If you are terrified or extremely shy you can always cover your body with a sheet or blanket and pretend no one is in the room. Covering your face or using a blindfold helps with the illusion. Then, as you feel more comfortable, slowly reveal your body from your toes up, like you are raising the curtain. The main event will come into view eventually and all the while he’ll see your hand working under the covers and teasing him like crazy! Just don’t forget to raise the curtain before you are done. The main event is the best part!

If you really don’t feel comfortable doing this in front of your Dominant, there are other ways to introduce this into your sex life:

Take photos of you touching yourself and email them to him. If you are afraid of them being used elsewhere, look into Snapchat.
Record a short video of yourself masturbating and send it to him. Ditto using Snapchat if you want them deleted instead of saved.
Masturbate over the phone and let him hear you orgasm.
Touch yourself during sex.

These are just a few of the ideas for making masturbation, whether requested by your Dom or not, a hot and intimate time for both of you. I hope you’ve picked up a few tricks for your next show and relax! He’ll enjoy the entertainment and you will definitely begin to bring our your sexy confident self.

Thoughts to Ponder
Have you masturbated for your partner? How did you feel about it? If you haven’t, are you considering it now that you’ve read this article? Why or why not?
What do you think about your Dominant masturbating in front of you? Does it work when the tables are turned also? How does it make you feel?
What other ways can you think of to share masturbation with your partner to add to these ideas?
Interesting Links
What Do You Think about Female Masturbation?
Why You Should Never Tell Your Partner to Stop Masturbating
How To Tips for Mutual Masturbation
Related Posts:
Ask lunaKM – Being a large submissive
Learn to Love The Body You Have – Submissive Meditation Monday
Ask lunaKM – Rebuilding Body Confidence
You’re Not the Boss of Me! Empowerment Through Submission
The Anatomy of A Scene: What Happens?

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on September 21, 2015 07:00

How to Ask for What You Need as a Submissive

There’s a really bad idea out there that Dominants decide everything and submissives simply accept it. Once you enter into your relationship, after initial negotiations, you’re expected to submit, serve, and wait for whatever your Dominant decides to do to you or for you. You do what you’re told and keep your mouth shut.

Wrong!

New (or bad) Dominants aren’t the only ones who fall into this thinking. Submissives do it, too.

It’s time to re-examine what you think you know.

Negotiations Never Stop in D/s

Hopefully, before you became the little “s” to your partner’s big “D” you talked a lot. What you like, what you don’t like, what you’ll do, what you won’t do, what you want, and what you need – for both of you.

If you think that those first conversations were the extent of it, think again. People change all the time. Your tastes and desires change. Life happens. Kids happen. Jobs are lost. Family members get sick. All of it has an effect on your life and your relationship.

Don’t think you’re stuck with the rules, structure, protocol, or even kinky fun that you started out with. The longer you’re in a relationship, the more you learn about each other. Of course you’ll need to adjust and change. Don’t be afraid to speak up when you need or want something different. You never really stop negotiating in D/s.

How to Open the Lines of Communication

Communication is important in all relationships – D/s or vanilla. You know that, or you’re figuring it out fast, but sometimes it’s scary to open yourself up more than you already have. Worse, you might be afraid of rejection – even from your own Dominant. For you, I have a few tips to try in order to open up dialogue and get the conversation going. (This works when you need to renegotiate or deal with an issue.)

Let your Dominant know you have something on your mind and want to talk when it’s convenient for you both.
Watch their mood. If they’ve had a bad day at work or they’re sick, it might not be the right time for a deep conversation.
Speak respectfully, according to your current protocols and rules.
Start with the good – what’s worked recently, what’s been wonderful, what you’d love more of.
Move the conversation, gently, into what you need. Don’t make demands. You’re the submissive, remember?
Explain your thinking. Why you want what you want (or need), and how you think it will benefit you, your Dominant, or both? (I tend to mentally prepare for the conversation long before it happens, even rehearsing what I want to say so I’m prepared when the time comes.)
If it’s a completely new concept – training, protocols, rituals, or even kinky sex – to your partner, try to have resource information available. Websites, books, and blog posts are all good options. Where did you learn about it? Try to send them there.
Understand that you may not get an answer immediately. You’ve already had the time to think about this. Your Dominant may need time, too.
Be clear on what a hard limit might be. For example: you want to move into a 24/7 relationship but you don’t want to use titles in front of your children or your parents. Make that clear.
Be willing to abide by your Dominant’s final decision. There’s no guarantee your Dominant can give you what you want. What you’re asking for may fall into their hard limits or be more responsibility than they want at the moment. Can you live with that?
Real life example time!

For several years, I’ve struggled with my weight. I know what I need to do – eat better, exercise more, but I don’t always have the discipline for it. Dunkin Donuts and Starbucks are my personal Kryptonite.

Over the past year, I’ve asked Southern Sir for help. We’ve discussed my goals and what strategies I think would work. For different reasons – illnesses in our families, stress at work, and other issues – he hasn’t felt able to take on the responsibility of managing my fitness and diet plan.

Now that life has calmed down, I’ve come back to him. This isn’t a full negotiation – we did that when I first brought up the topic – we’re simply continuing the conversation from a few months ago. I’ve explained my new plan – adding strength training and eating more protein (and less sugar). I discussed the details with him and showed him my resources to explain my thinking. He added his opinion based on what he knows. I’ve committed to a plan, and he’ll monitor me without micromanaging me.

Is it exactly what I wanted when I first approached him a year ago? No. I thought I wanted him to watch over me like a hawk. That wouldn’t work for him, and I respected his needs, even as he understood and respected mine. Over time, we’ve developed a compromise that seems to work for us both. None of it would have happened if I hadn’t been willing to talk about what I needed.

You won’t always get exactly what you want. And you probably shouldn’t. (Remember who’s in charge, after all.) But you shouldn’t be afraid to discuss your needs with your Dominant. Likewise, they should be willing to talk about their needs with you. Hopefully these steps will help if you’re struggling to start the conversation.

If you’re in a relationship where you’ve been told you’re not allowed to renegotiate or bring up concerns, you’re in a dangerous situation. There should always be a time when you can communicate with your partner.

To the submissives out there who renegotiate and communicate regularly, please share your methods in the comments below. My way definitely isn’t the only way, and we can all learn from each other!

Image via Kozzi

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on September 18, 2015 07:00

Publically Domesticated, Privately Dominated – Subtle D/s in Public

One of the many delightful side-effects of moving to the same country as my Dom is that we get to actually DO couple things. We get to go out on dates, go out with other couples as a couple, invite people to our home for dinner parties—all of the grown up stuff that my parents did that made me think that they were kind of lame. It’s easy to take that sort of thing for granted when it’s been a constant aspect of your relationship, but for us, it was a massive shift in our dynamic.

Despite the fact that these situations involved us going out into the public eye, neither my Dom, nor I wanted to remove the Dominant/submissive aspect of our relationship. I don’t doubt that this is a desire we share with other couples, whether they’re new to the scene, or trying to find new ways to incorporate the dynamic into their lives outside of the bedroom. What’s certain is that it can be difficult to achieve a public dynamic that fits the needs of all parties while remaining within the confines of public social expectations. As much as I love to sit at my Dom’s feet, for example, there will be certain times, even in our own home, when doing so would be a little unacceptable.

There are subtle ways around that, which we’ve taken a real delight in working out as we go. For example, when we’re out at meets or with friends, one of the things my Dom loves particularly is the ability to just look at me. Despite what might be considered traditional expectations of a sub, if I’m dressed particularly well, my Dom tends to hold the majority of the bags when we go places. I tend to be the one who sets the pace for the conversations that we engage in: if I am feeling confident and social, I usually get to chatter uncurbed; if I feel shy, my Dom picks up the conversation and holds it for both of us. The effect my Dom is after is not a display of discipline so much as decoration. In public, I’m an ornament, and she gets her satisfaction from the fact that I decorate her arm, and that I’m pretty enough to charm people whether laconic or gregarious. In addition to this, we retain some more traditional D/s aspects. She orders for both of us when we go out to eat. I usually get to choose what I want, but when the server approaches, she’s my voice.

Things are a little different, though, in the home. I’m not particularly a homebody, but I’m a bit of a housewife—especially now that we’re waiting for my visa so I can start working properly. I do the majority of the cooking and keeping the house tidy, so when we entertain, it seems fairly natural that my Dom would be the person doing the actual entertaining while I see to the needs of everyone at the table. My flat is great for this; it has an open kitchen, so my Dom has the added bonus of watching me while I cook, and encouraging me to take part in the conversation when I can. It also gives me a good view of the whole living room and dining room, so if anyone needs a refill on their drink, or if food needs to be refreshed, I’m aware of it.

And at the table? Everyone is served before me. My Dom is seated before I sit. These aren’t wildly out of the way methods of incorporating D/s dynamics, but they’re subtle, and not far out of the way of common social graces. I can serve my Dom, and she can enjoy my servitude without having to incorporate overtly dominating tactics, and it’s enjoyable to fall into that sort of casual routine knowing the reason isn’t just because you’re being a good host, or because you’re too shy to speak to your waiter at a restaurant. It also means you can save some of the less subtle displays of Dominance and submission for when you are together, whether as a prelude to a scene or as a general display of devotion to each other.

I’m sure there are many different methods of expressing your submission in public. These are just the few that my Dom and I have worked out which work well for both of us, and we’re still learning. Are there methods that you use to express your submission? Do you have routines that you’ve adapted for the public eye? How do they vary from what you do when you’re alone? Post your experiences and thoughts below.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on September 17, 2015 07:00

Ask lunaKM Quickies: Where to Blog About Submission, Submissive Meditations and Opinion on Minors in BDSM

I am brand new to the bdsm lifestyle and also a writer. I wanted to kind of chronicle my experiences, thoughts, and feelings on my journey. Can you tell me about any free blog sites that allow for erotic material?

Blogger.com and WordPress.com allow erotic material as long as you mark the blog adult in the settings. This will put up a warning page for readers who happen on your blog to consent to view. Tumblr.com is a popular place to write erotic material and LiveJournal.com was when I used it years ago. Kinky-Blogging.com is one that KnyghtMare and I run that allows erotic material as well.

I would like to find a book of daily meditations/devotions, for lack of a better word, that is specifically for submissives. Are you aware of any such thing? Just a little daily reading to help me focus & reflect on my submission. Thanks!

I’ve not seen anything specific for meditations or a submissive devotional but there are some wonderful books out there that are submissive focused and you can gain wisdom and inspiration from any one of them. I liked “Where I Am Led: A Service Exploration Workbook” by Christina Parker and some people like Ms Abernathy’s Concise Slave Training Manual found in the omnibus Erotic Slavehood: A Miss Abernathy Omnibus. There are also over 600 journal prompts available for a bit of reflection at Submissive Journal Prompts

What is your view on minors participating in bdsm?

I’ve talked about this before and since my opinions haven’t changed I’m going to direct you over to those posts:

What I Think about Underage Experimentation and Submission

[Video Post] Too Young for BDSM – Responding to the Questions I Get from Underage Persons

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on September 16, 2015 08:00