Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 46

September 3, 2015

M/s and When Life Happens: Dealing With Health Challenges and Death

“Woman Patient And Medical Instrument” by Sura Nualpradid courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

When we imagine an ideal world, it’s pretty safe to say that for most of us, that perfect world wouldn’t include illness, disabilities, and death. Everyone would have bodies that are strong, capable, and able to do any and all activities the heart desires. On this side of creation, that type of world doesn’t exist, and because it doesn’t, it’s imperative that we understand that there will come a day that our bodies will fall short of the glory that often exists in our mind; and as sure as the sun rises each morning, one day we will all surrender to death. For those who come to the Lifestyle during the more impressionable years of early adulthood, usually illness and death isn’t such a pressing matter unless one has experienced a life threatening illness or disability. However, if one lives long enough, chances are there will be some type of health challenge even if it’s a really horrible case of bronchitis that lingers for weeks; the cronies who were there pretty much from the beginning begin to age and start to pass away… and it doesn’t matter how old or young they were – it was always too soon, and there was never enough time. When illness and death hits home and a blood relative, Master or slave is affected, it can be an experience that tears at the soul. Yet, it doesn’t have to be an experience that leaves the soul crushed and defeated, and this is what this post is about, helping others hold on to the silver lining and lean into the light at the end of the tunnel no matter how bleak circumstances may seem.

Up until 2011, the only issue that I struggled with was living with a permanent disability. Then 2011 came and I could finally afford health insurance. Actually, it was exciting to me to be able to get that part of my ‘house’ in order. Well, it was exciting until that first doctor’s visit and finding out that I needed to see a surgeon… And surgery was scheduled… and during that surgery another issue was discovered… another surgeon, another surgery. Complications from that surgery – yes you guessed it, another surgeon, and another surgery to the tune of three surgeries between March 2011 and April 2012. While sitting in the office of the second surgeon as he explained the need for another surgery, I clearly remembered breaking down crying, almost uncontrollably and in between heavy sobs expressing that, “my body is failing and just falling apart!” April 2012 came and there was no fight left in me, which was apparent by the lack of pre-surgery prep done for food and home. This was probably the lowest point for me in regards to my journey as a slave… The pressing question in my mind was, “Who would want such a scarred slave? What Master would want me like this?” Even, now, as I remember where I was during the time after the last surgery, my heart hurts for the me that once was. The way my body changed coupled with the preexisting disability made me believe that as a slave, I was ‘unusable’, too damaged to be owned, and couldn’t be beneficial to a Master. In hindsight, of course it seems foolish, but in my mind at the time it seemed to be legitimate.

In the midst of recovering from the last surgery in 2012 and making steps to move forward in my slave walk, my dad fell ill, went into the hospital and had emergency surgery. He was several states away from me and I wasn’t able to travel to him. Each day was filled with phone calls to doctors and relatives (mostly his brothers), working, worrying, and managing. This went on for about 2 – 2 ½ weeks. He wasn’t doing too well after the surgery, he was experiencing breathing complications, he couldn’t swallow, and so the hardest decisions had to be made… Finally, one Wednesday during the wee hours of the morning, a nurse from the hospital called to let me know my dad had passed. Long story short, it would take about another month before his remains could be buried. It was a month of stress, tears, and frustrations until finally, his cremains were buried. Two days later, I crashed emotionally; I had already started grief/stress eating and that continued for a few months. When it was all said and done about 60-70lbs I had gained from 2011. All I wanted to do was cut myself off from the rest of the world, wave a white flag, and let the chips fall where they may. Here I was attempting to get back on the proverbial horse and it seemed that I was being knocked off before my foot was even in the stirrup!

None of this was something I was able to handle alone – the time had come where I couldn’t depend on myself. Really, there’s no such thing as pulling yourself up by your bootstrap to overcome devastating calamities – it’s a silly metaphor for being completely self-reliant, and we weren’t created for such. I needed help, I needed tools to work with, and piece by piece they came. Here some tools that helped me recover from this rough patch:

Get counseling – there’s nothing wrong with seeing a therapist to work through the emotional struggles of coping with a long or short-term illness, disability, and/or death. This isn’t to say that everyone who experiences such needs counseling, however there are those who do. Even if it’s for a few sessions, much can be achieved by having a neutral space to sort out the jumble of emotions present. A really great counselor will offer more detailed coping techniques that can further assist in keeping some level of mental and emotional stability in the midst of adversity
Receive help – this is so very important! During all three of the surgeries there were folks from the local M/s and Leather communities that pitched in to help me with chores and getting to and from doctor’s appointments until I was able to do those things on my own. Initially, I didn’t want to ask for help, I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone. Hello – that was foolishness! If help is needed, simply saying, “I need help,” doesn’t suddenly turn a person into an oaf. This taught me to take full advantage of such graciousness for as long as the need was there. Not only did folks from the Lifestyle help me, but people in grocery stores and in my apartment building did as well. Now, admittedly, some people have a limit for how much they can or will help, but it shouldn’t be a deterrent to asking for help – just ask someone else. As the saying goes, “a closed mouth don’t get fed.”
Get involved in the community – while it may not be necessary to go to every event, munch, play party, meeting, or conference, it’s very important to maintain some level of involvement or connection to the Lifestyle community. Up to this point, most of the ‘tips’ haven’t directly addressed maintaining a M/s headspace, but this one accomplishes that more directly. Attending MDHL-fs (Male Dominant Het Leather-female submissive) and MAsT (Masters And slaves Together) meetings, volunteering at The Master/slave conference, and having a Masterly influence all helped keep me from disconnecting from the ‘slave self’ that I had been working so hard on growing prior to life doing what life does. Those moments spent immersing myself in community activities and even attending a MTTA slave training weekend all provided fellowship opportunities to reinforce everything I desired to be and was becoming. More importantly, it helped me to more fully understand that just because the sky is falling, that doesn’t stop me from being a slave.
Maintain a routine that grounds – it doesn’t matter if it’s something as simple as having a cup of coffee while reading the newspaper each morning, it’s a point of stability that adds to a level of normalcy in each day. Outside of going to work each day (which can add to stress and frustration at times), there needed to be something just for me – which has been investing in my health.
Prepare the tangibles – having in place things such as a will (including a living will) and executor; a power of attorney (POA); or at the very least an advocate to help sort things out will reduce a great amount of stress during these challenging situations. This is taking responsibility by preparing a game plan before the time of need and doing so will reduce frustration levels tremendously. More than likely had I had an advocate (someone to help ask the tough questions, help do research, or see what you’re too emotional to see) to go with me for the very first visit with a surgeon, at the very least the second surgery, possibly, could have been avoided.
Focus on what you can do not what you can’t do – when it comes to experiencing mobility/health challenges, this is so crucial and can’t be stressed enough! One of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned is to joyfully accept my limitations while creatively working around them. Whether our abilities occur as the result of aging or otherwise, there’s still joy to be found in the remaining capabilities. By constantly focusing on the limitations, a slave’s zest for service will begin to wane; it also sours the disposition by opening the door for a myriad of negative thoughts and comparisons to take center stage.

The specifics of what will be helpful to you or anyone else may be different, but more than likely, any of them will fall under at least one of these categories of preparing or managing.

There will be healing…

Nothing was ‘fixed’ with the snap of my fingers. It took much internal work and mental restructuring over the course of two years to come to a point of having greater confidence in my value as a slave and woman and to make it beyond the devastation of the setbacks I’ve just shared. You want to know what’s so ironic in all of this? If it weren’t for reaching a point of helplessness and brokenness in the midst of chaos, I would have been too prideful to see my own heart and value as a slave. There are plenty of things that can be offered, but those things simply don’t replace the offering of the heart and soul. That level of offering is bare and raw because it happens at the core; there’s a depth that can’t be seen as much when we, as slaves only focus on a skillset. What I had to learn was that while what a slave can do is of value, it’s who the slave is that’s the greatest value. Being physically/emotionally capable of doing everything and never asking for and/or needing help isn’t what makes a slave a slave or more precious as a slave. When life hits us hardest, it’s even more important to admit our frailties and vulnerabilities so that we may be strengthened, not just through the internal work and all the self-care, but by also receiving the care, love, and nurturing of community, a few close friends, relative, or Master – this is one of the greatest resources to overcoming those ‘life happened’ times.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on September 03, 2015 07:00

September 2, 2015

Ask lunaKM – Are There Subtle Ways I Can Cue My Partner Into My Interests?

Would really appreciate it if I could get some advice or your opinion on this ? I’ve always found that submission and being dominated really turns me on. That’s about the only thing I find sexually stimulating but my boyfriend doesn’t really know the extent of what I really like in the bedroom. I’m extremely shy to even let him know this because of the reaction I might get. We both enjoy rough sex and him being in control but have never gone beyond that. I’d like to know how to subtly tell him.

Hi shy,

I can understand your desire to be subtle about telling him what you want and need beyond what you are getting but that just doesn’t work well and I’ll tell you why. In just a moment. Let’s think on the subtle ways again. While I don’t suggest anyone only stick to the subtle ways to entice a partner into trying more or learning what’s in your heart there are always ways you can send hints. Now, getting them to act on them is not always possible which is why the second half of this post will be better ways to share what you need and want from your partner.

1. Leave a book open on the coffee table to a section that has a fantasy or kink idea you’d like to try. Maybe he’ll take a look at it when he thinks you aren’t looking to see what you are reading.

2. Read erotic stories to each other. Make comments about what’s hot in the story or how it makes you feel. Better yet, write erotic stories to each other!

3. Watch porn together and have fun reenacting the kinky parts.

4. Engage in sexting. Often having a screen inbetween you and the other person can help you feel more brave.

Alright so now that I’ve given you some subtle ways to share your interests with your partner I’ll tell you why these things might not work well. Hints don’t work. Men in general don’t take hints. Hints don’t communicate effectively what you are looking for. They can be misunderstood very easily. So, you’ll have to swallow your shyness and come forward with your boyfriend about the things you want and need in your relationship. It takes guts but I think your happiness in a relationship is worth it.

Start with reading the series from ted_subby about talking with your partner about your kinky interests. It’s a popular series here and well worth the read.

These other articles should help you too.

Making Him the Dom of Your Dreams – Working With The Man You Have
Establishing a Safe, Trusting Environment for Talk
Good luck!

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

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Published on September 02, 2015 08:00

September 1, 2015

Coping with Different Sex-Drives in a Relationship

It’s not pleasant, but it’s a reality that many relationships face, even when those relationships are kinky. It’s not the preference of one activity over another, but the desire for any activity at all; it’s the age old question: are you up for it? and the difference between your response and your partner’s.

Having a substantially different level of interest in sex can be a strain for even the most vanilla partnership, but when aspects of kink are introduced (no matter what those aspects are), the strain can be compounded. This is especially true when partners allow themselves to feel guilty for the difference, or have a hard time recognizing and articulating the challenges resulting from the difference. What’s important to understand here is that, regardless of whether you run hotter or colder than your partner, the challenge you face is not one that you face alone. By virtue of being in a relationship, you share the burden of the struggle, and with the right attitude and awareness, you can at least attempt to accommodate each other.

The most important thing you need to understand is that the strain you feel is not one-sided. The pressure to be compatible in all aspects of your relationship—including the bedroom—is one that is acutely felt, regardless of whether you’re up for sex multiple times a day, a few times a week, or only once in a blue moon. The difference is the type of pressure that you feel.

My Dom and I have very different sex-drives. By this, I mean that we are on opposite sides of the spectrum. It doesn’t take a lot to pique my interest in sex. A casual command or a “good girl” on her part is about all I need to shift gears and to start thinking about ways that I can turn the present situation into one where we end up in bed. On the other hand, my Dom classed herself as asexual before we were together. I think I can count the amount of times that she’s purposefully initiated a scene or sex, and the number is far fewer than the times I’ve asked, or waited for her to come home at the top of the stairs dressed in Ann Summers’ finest and a pair of good heels. And don’t be fooled: although dressing up is as good an enticement as any, it’s not a guarantee that something will follow. For many, this can be absolutely detrimental, for my Dom and me—the Queens of Over-Communication—it meant we had a lot of serious discussions.

I’ve divided this article into three sections. The first two are written with the intent of explaining the challenges faced by partners with high sex drives and partners with low sex drives, respectively. The intent is to help the complementary party understand the mindset of his/her partner. You can read both, of course, but try to focus on the section which highlights the opposite mindset to your own. In other words: if you have a high sex drive, focus on the low sex drive section, and vice versa. The third section is a small list of ideas that you can tailor to fit your relationship if having different sex drives is something you’re struggling with in your relationship.

As the partner with the higher sex drive…

I spend a lot of time trying to gauge my Dom’s mood, her energy, her level of involvement in her current task; I ask myself when the last time we played was, how involved the scene was, how long it lasted, checking things off in my head, making sure that my interest isn’t a whim. Do I want sex enough to ask for it? Will I need to ask, or will a hint do? What are the odds, at this point in time, of me being told no, that she’s not in the mood, or please, do you mind if we don’t? Sometimes, I hold off. Now’s not the time. I’m not that antsy.

Because it takes so little to interest me, I find myself re-categorizing a lot of simple actions. Kisses and casual gestures of affection are not usually invitations for more in our relationship, and it’s considerably unlikely that I can entice my Dom into something more involved unless that was already her intent.

Being told no is never pleasant, but having an invested partner is more important to me than going through the motions, so I don’t begrudge it; often times, however, being told no can make me feel like I’ve been pushy. On the other hand, there are times when I’ve managed to get what I was after, and I’ve felt badly. Have I inconvenienced her? Did I push too hard? Did she actually enjoy the scene as much as I did, or did she participate out of a sense of obligation? No matter how unfounded the concerns, these are the worries that I have, and I rely entirely on my partner’s honest communication to soothe them when they arise.

You’d be surprised how often I say thank you. Not as sub to her Dom, but as someone in a committed relationship with someone else. Thank you for putting up with me; thank you for spending the time with me; thank you for loving me even though I just interrupted everything you were doing by climbing onto your lap and demanding attention. I mean it every time—couldn’t imagine not saying it, because this is as new for her as it is for me, and it’s a different challenge.

As the partner with the lower sex drive…

My Dom often worries about me. She doesn’t worry as much as she used to, but the multitude of conversations that we’ve had on the topic of our compatibility has given me a pretty firm understanding of how much she’s worried about me in the years we’ve been together. Unlike my worries, which revolve around whether or not I’ve pushed her too much, hers center around whether she has or can meet my needs. She worries about what will happen if she can’t. Will I stop investing myself in the relationship? Will I stop loving her? Will I want to go to someone else who can meet my needs? Would she be able to handle that if I ever ask?

The number of times I have promised to be honest with her and to tell her if I’m unhappy or struggling in the confines of our relationship is one that I’ve lost track of. We’ve had conversations—entire conversations—centered around the possibility that she can’t keep up with me. We’ve discussed alternative arrangements, repeatedly, extensively. It took about four years of practice and theory, I think, to convince her that we were okay, that we could work around the differences. She still worries, though, and I think she feels guilty when she tells me no, not today, do you mind if we don’t? Sometimes she feels less guilty than others. She thanks me for understanding about as often as I thank her.

Reaching common ground

Ultimately, I think adding kink into our relationship has helped give both of us outlets for maintaining and meeting each other’s expectations and needs. A lot of what we have come up with to form our common ground isn’t entirely out of the way for a D/s relationship; it’s important to remember, though, that these are our methods to reaching our common ground, which will be entirely different from what you might need between you and your partner. Feel free to take them and use them as starting points, but don’t be surprised if you need to incorporate a lot of trial and error, or commit to a few long conversations before that common ground begins to appear.

Voyeurism. A bit of a classic, to be sure, and simple enough to be tailored to a number of interests and fantasies. Although it’s not always as satisfying as your partner being physically with you, it can be enticing to perform; likewise, it takes some of the pressure of immediate involvement off of the less active partner, who can enjoy the aesthetics of the display rather than being preoccupied and trying to actively participate.
Reserving your big guns. Fun as it is to dress up, doing it all the time would lose its affect. Make sure that if you have a nearly fool-proof way to wow your partner that you don’t abuse it through over-use, otherwise it will stop yielding the results you want.
Toys with remotes. This is a new discovery for us. It’s a good compromise between voyeurism and active participation. A good toy will be expensive, but it’s well worth the investment.
Honest communication. Explain yourself to your partner. Subtle hints can be easily misinterpreted. As awkward as it might feel to say, an honest, “I’m a bit desperate” or, “I really can’t right now,” will be less frustrating than your hints being ignored. Try to gain an understanding of each other’s limits.

Being partners with someone who has a very different sex drive is by no means an easy challenge to overcome. For a lot of people, incompatibility in the bedroom can spell out the end of a relationship, but it doesn’t have to.

Do you have any experience with this type of challenge? What other ways can you think of to discover common ground? Post a reply with your thoughts.

Until next time,

Kallista

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Published on September 01, 2015 07:00

August 31, 2015

[Video Post] Improving Your Submission – Setting Goals and Making a Plan

Welcome back to another video post! In the last episode we talked about how to identify what improving your submission needs – a focus. In that video I asked you to make a list of things you feel (or your Dom feels) that need improvement to make your submission better and more fulfilling. If you don’t have a direction yet, I suggest you go back and do that activity first.

Out of the list of things you want to focus on, you should pick one that you’d like to focus on first and that will be the one we talk about working on today.

Now that you have a specific goal you need to develop a plan to reach that goal. A plan is a general outline of how you are going to meet small goals leading up to the main goal. So, if we continue with the example of exercising in the morning you could have a plan to build up to 30 mins, starting from 10. You could plan to get up 30 minutes earlier to accommodate your new routine. Each of these mini steps along the way is part of your plan.

Write your plan down. Make sure you keep it somewhere visible to remind you what you want to be doing.

SET TASKS TO STAY WITHIN THE PLAN

The tasks are the steps required to meet the mini goals and ultimately the final goal in your plan. Each part of your plan should have at least 1 task to accomplish it.

In the exercise example, we wanted to get up 30 minutes earlier to accommodate the exercise so for our tasks we will certainly be changing the alarm to reflect the change in schedule. Once the tasks within the plan for a specific mini goal are complete we can move to the next mini goal. Each of these is very important to the success of the overall goal.

REWARD SMALL SUCCESS

Every step in your plan requires a reward for achieving it. It doesn’t have to be something large but you need to feel good about every success, no matter the size. Take for instance, the exercise goal. If one of your mini-goals in your plan was to get up 30 minutes earlier and you succeed in doing so without hitting the snooze for a whole week, then a reward would be helpful in maintaining your progress.

What type of rewards could you have? Well, everyone is different and the rewards that each person sets for themselves will also be varied. Always set rewards that will not undermine your success. So, a reward for getting up 30 minutes early for a week should not be that you get to sleep in the following day.

No matter how you go about it, setting realistic goals and then working towards success is a step by step process. You have the tools available to make changes in your life if you want them. It doesn’t have to be overwhelming. Treat them like anything else in your life worth doing and you can make it.

Activity:

Set a realistic goal. Write out why you want to achieve the goal and the impact it will have on your life when you attain it. Follow the steps talked about in this article and map out the way to success. Then get started working on the mini-goals in your plan. Keep a record of your progress!

Resources to Help You
Solo-Coaching Your Way to Better Submission Free Printable
Setting Goals eCourse
Goal Setting in a D/s or M/s Relationship

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Published on August 31, 2015 07:00

August 30, 2015

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks,

Some weeks we don’t do anything amazing or monumental. And then other weeks we try things new and think nothing of it. This week, I went to the gym 5 days. My goal is to get my body up to 30 mins of exercise, 5 days a week. I’m so overweight and out of shape that I only made it up to 25 mins – that’s great, trust me. The 4th day I had to stop at 15 mins because I got dizzy but I was able to get right back at it after a day’s break. I’ll continue my efforts next week trying to get to 30 mins. Once I can do that I can concern myself with intensity. I love the Elliptical though. I think it’s my favorite cardio machine. Do you go to the gym? What’s your favorite machine (weights or cardio) to use?

Join the growing list of supporters and fans!
Next Goal: Monthly Webinars – I’m so close to this goal!!
I work hard to write and produce the content and I don’t ask for much in return. Supporting the site is a small way you can show me that you appreciate my efforts. If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a patron of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $3 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation.Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

Why Your Sexual Needs Matter in a D/s Relationship (or ANY Relationship)
Submission is a Choice That Will be Tested by Kayla Lords
Book Review-Opening Up: A Guide To Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino by tequilarose
1950′s Kink: An Overview by Mrs. Darling
Getting Back Into The Game: Returning to Kink After a Break by andyiccee

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask lunaKM Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

none this week

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2014: Ask lunaKM – Where can I find information about the Leather Lifestyle?
In 2013: Book Review: Leading and Supportive Love
In 2012: [Video Post] Alternatives to Kneeling and Visible Signs of Submission
In 2011: What is a Munch?
In 2010: Review: Domestic Discipline

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

How do you recover from the ending of a relationship?
What are your current wants and needs in your relationship? Have any changed much since you first started exploring?
Is patience valuable to your submission? Is silence? If you do incorporate these into your practices, what lessons have your learned and how has it helped you?
“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” - Aristotle
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!

Featured Podcast of the Week – Bliss Bringers

41: NiN2015: The kinky single guy at the swingers convention

28 Aug 2015, 11:00am GMT

→ Bliss Bringers – Sex, Swinging & Kink Podcast

Villain Jon heads to one of the largest swingers events in the country, to spread the gospel of bondage and kink. We debrief with Brian and Tangerine from Tangerines Dream about the event the parties, the “poker runs”, dances and events. Jon talks about the workshops, demonstrations of flogging, electric play in the dungeon and the problems of teaching an entire room of crazy swingers to tie each-other up. His shenanigans were also documented by “We Gotta Thing” and “Swinger Diaries”. Check out Bob’s interview to find out more about “Naugthy in Nawlins”, or sign up now to reserve your spot for the next event! Find Tangerine on twitter as @TangerinesDreamLtd via email as tangerine@tange…

MP3 audio (20MB, 44min)

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Published on August 30, 2015 10:00

August 28, 2015

Getting Back Into The Game: Returning to Kink After a Break

Getting back into BDSM is harder than getting into it in the first place. This sounds counterintuitive – you know the safewords and one another’s fetishes, you’ve done your research, you just took a little break. Turns out that little break for a few months actually has a major impact on your kink relationship.

For those of you who regularly follow my posts, my partner and I took a step back from our kinky lifestyle for a few months. We were going through a huge transition period in our lives and our relationship and suddenly he wasn’t super invested in kink. I rolled with it, I told him I still wanted the sexual component of it and while he met me on these needs, occasionally choking me or spanking me, we were definitely not ‘in the game’. And honestly, my desire to be hit or grabbed faded because there has to be passion behind his eyes for it to feel real, and there hadn’t been.

All of a sudden last night during sex he suddenly became very dominant. As much as I had been passively craving domination my first response wasn’t ecstasy, it was fear. I pulled back away from him and told him I didn’t want that. He thought I was being coy and pressed on, but then I got up, walked to the other side of the room and said “You earned being my Master the first time, you have to earn it again.”

Now here is where many subs and slaves will probably begin to judge me, assume I am not truly a submissive, or some other nonsense because I spoke to Chief that way. But I think that was entirely appropriate. We forget that people need to earn their position in kink. BDSM is all about trust and while I trust Chief so much in the day-to-day life things, he hasn’t asserted himself like that sexually in a long time, so the trust that I had in him regarding dominance had diminished.

He took the statement well. He was taken aback, of course, because he thought that I would just bow back down, but he totally respected my statement. The signs of a good master – not going past boundaries. So we incorporated bits of kink into our sex last night. In reality, though we used handcuffs, and he choked me a little, and he bit me, that wasn’t the truly kinky aspect of sex.

I saw the dominance in his eyes again and could tell that he wanted to dominate me. Seeing that look brought out my inner submissive. That’s what I had been needing. And the more that I see that look when we have sex, the more that I will trust his dominant instincts.

Of course, the trusting process will be faster this time around than when we first got into kink. But we have to re-learn some things, we have to hone in on our instincts.

If you were a sailor and didn’t go out on a boat for a few years, your instincts would be there, but you should probably take some time to remember how to do things and acclimate yourself to the sea before you set out on a major sailing expedition. I think this is pretty much the same thing.

It loops back to comfort levels and SSC. BDSM is about pushing the limits for things and while there is an aspect of fear involved (adrenaline pumping when you see a belt or a knife), when you experience genuine fear you are not in a sane mindset and there is a chance that you are not being entirely consensual.

If you took a break and are trying to re-enter the scene, give yourself time to do so. Take the space you need and make sure you are keeping up an active dialogue with your partner. If you aren’t talking about how you feel about the kink and the relationship and all of the in-between, then something will give eventually and you’ll end up emotionally or physically hurt.

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Published on August 28, 2015 07:00

August 27, 2015

1950′s Kink: An Overview

In 2014, a local kink community member contacted me to say she had heard about an author compiling essays regarding different styles of the M/s dynamic, suggesting I respond regarding our 1950′s relationship. I did, and what I discovered in the correspondence about the project was surprising.

The author had told me that when setting out to create the compilation he posted a poll online asking what style of power exchange dynamic people were participating in. Many of the common ones showed up, like Victorian, Leather, and Gorean. Towards the front of the pack was the 1950′s model.

Yet when it came time to actually find somebody to write about their 1950′s relationship model: crickets chirped. I was the last to fill the spaces available and began pounding the keyboard fast to meet such a close deadline. As I furiously typed though, the communication kept coming back into my thoughts.
How could there be so many people stating they are living in a 1950′s relationship yet nobody able to summarize what that looks like in practical application?

I believe many people in the BDSM world see any Male-dominted/female-followed (M/f) power exchange dynamic as being inherently 1950′s. This simply isn’t the case. So what is, exactly, the 1950′s kink all about?

The Overview

The “1950′s” as it applies to the kink world is the fetishization of one of three things.

1. The look of the 1950′s

2. The feeling of the 1950′s

3. The relationship style of the 1950′s

1. The 1950′s “look” is a visual/tactile kink. It includes things such as:

Clothing and accessories i.e. bullet bras, high-waisted underwear, corsets, saddle shoes, bobby socks, sweater sets, modest clothing, vintage clothing, party gloves, housewife dresses, aprons, high heels, vintage suits and ties, fedoras, wingtip shoes, bowling shirts, and others
Housewares relevant to the era i.e. appliances, furniture, games, technology, kitchen ware.
Entertainment from the era, including television shows (I Love Lucy, The Dick Van Dyke Show, The Honeymooners) and music (beginning of rock and roll, Frank Sinatra and the Rat Pack, Elvis Presley and Marilyn Monroe), as well as magazines, postcards and correspondence, photographs, and movies.
Transportation from the era like cars and trailers.

2. The “feelings” many associate with the era is an emotional/sexual connection.

When thinking of the 1950′s we think of the age of innocence. It was a time of good old-fashioned fun. There was no real technology like we know of today; families spent actual time together instead of everybody in front of a different screen. Dinners were at a table and the family talked.

It was a very “men are men” and “women are women” era. The men were expected to be gentlemen, holding open doors and using manners, working hard at a career and providing for the family financially. Women were the personification of “lady like,” using proper etiquette and raising up well-mannered children.

Everybody knew their function in the home. Children were polite, neighbors cared about each other, discipline was appreciated, nobody expected a handout.

These feelings associated with a simpler time can be one draw to the 1950′s kink.

3. The “1950′s” can also be a reference to the power exchange dynamic in the traditional 1950′s relationship.

It can be a Dominant/submissive relationship (or Master/slave) but doesn’t necessarily have to be. Many times the descriptors are Head of Household (HoH) and homemaker, or simply husband and wife. It seats the male as the decision maker and one in charge and the woman as the one following the lead (Female led/male follower is often referred to as “reverse 1950′s household).

In many cases the power exchange dynamic has the HoH as the sole/primary financial provider and the wife as the one in charge of domestic duties, such as cooking, cleaning, child rearing and pampering the work weary husband.

Examples of this fantasized relationship style can be seen through pop culture, such as television shows and movies of the era. Those seeking out a 1950′s style power exchange dynamic are seeking out the highly idealized image portrayed, which is not always reflective of actual 1950′s society. It is chasing a dream; trying to recreate the vision of a simple family life full of laughter, love, obedience, and everybody fulfilling their role.

In summary, the “1950′s” kink can include the way the 1950′s looked, the way life felt back then, or the relationships structure specific to the era. One doesn’t have to enjoy all of these points, in fact many only enjoy the look or feeling but do not seek out power exchange or vice versa.

Most people involved in fetishizing the 1950′s though do have a bit of a warm heart for all of it; a calling in their soul for life in a specific yesteryear.

It’s so much more than being defined as Male/female. It’s about the idealization of an era.

Do you have questions for Mrs. Darling about 1950′s Kink? Ask them in the comments!

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Published on August 27, 2015 07:00

August 26, 2015

Book Review-Opening Up: A Guide To Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino

I’m currently in a poly relationship and have been in several poly relationships in the past. Despite the numerous poly relationships I have been in, Tristan Taormino’s Opening Up is the first non fiction book that I have read about polyamorous relationships. This book has been on my reading list for quite some time and it is really worth checking out, but I’ll get more into that a little later. First, I want to tell you a bit about the book.

Tristan Taormino is the author of several books and has edited several erotica anthologies as well as a sex positive feminist who gives workshops and lectures on sex education all over the country and is the host of the Sex Out Loud Radio show. Needless to say, Taormino knows what she’s doing and it really shows all throughout her book Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships.

Throughout this twenty chapter book, so much wonderful information is covered. The topics that are covered range from myths about non-monogamy to designing your own open relationship to dealing with changes to legal aspects of protecting your partners as well as including a notes section and resource guide at the end of the book. While this is a rather large book(346 pages), don’t let the size intimidate you. This isn’t a book that you have to read from beginning to end, but can just read the chapters that interest you. There is no right or wrong way to read this book. Also throughout the book you will find snippets of interviews from numerous couples who are in a wide variety of open relationships. There’s also a profile at the end of each chapter that focuses on a couple and how their open relationship works in pertaining to that particular chapter’s topic.

I honestly feel that if you are in an open relationship of any kind or are thinking about entering into an open relationship, or thinking about opening up your current relationship, you need to read this book. There is so much amazing information in these pages. While I was reading, I found myself highlighting a lot of passages so I could easily find them at a later point in time. There is an entire chapter in this book that is dedicated to just dealing with jealousy and other intense feelings and I have to say it is by far my favorite chapter in the book and one that needs to be read. I love the time and energy that was put into this book. I feel the interviews and the couples profiles help the reader really understand the topics that the author covers and makes them more relatable to the reader. I found this book to be so amazing, once I finished I suggested to both Daddy and our poly partner that they both read it as well.

You can purchase a copy of “Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships at Amazon and Barnes and Noble.

Product Information:

Tequila R’s Rating: 10/10
Paperback: 364 Pages
Publisher: Cleis Press; First Edition edition (May 1, 2008)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 157344295X
ISBN-13: 978-1573442954

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Published on August 26, 2015 07:00

August 25, 2015

Submission is a Choice That Will be Tested

The things that test us aren’t always outside forces. Sure, our friends, family, and partners will test us from time to time – whether they mean to or not. In my experience, though, the things that test us the most come from within…

Whenever I introduce myself in the kink community, I refer to myself as both a babygirl and a submissive, as if the two parts of myself are mutually exclusive. I was never completely sure why I did that until recently.

My Nature vs. My Personality

Here’s the deal. When I try to explain being a babygirl to someone who’s new to the concept, it has little to do with BDSM or submission. Sure, I call my Dominant “Daddy” and he is a Daddy Dom by every definition I’ve found. But I’m not a little – I don’t regress in age. I don’t identify with a specific age. I don’t have specific activities that help me feel little or allow me to express my inner little.

For me, being a babygirl is about being vulnerable. It’s my giggly, playful side. It’s my tear-filled side. Like most submissives I know (big or little), I wear a pretty tough suit of armor in the vanilla world. I’m sarcastic by nature and a Type A control freak in my professional life. To allow the babygirl side to see the light of day, I have to crack that shell open.

On the other hand, as a submissive, I serve the one person I trust more than anyone. Sure, I’m kinky and love most of what I’ve tried in the BDSM spectrum, but being submissive is my nature within a committed relationship. It is something that feels as natural as breathing and even when it’s tough, is a source of joy and fulfillment.

When Conflict Happens

Until recently, being a babygirl didn’t conflict with being a submissive. In good times, I was a giggly submissive. In stressful times, a pouty, teary one. I never felt a pull between the two parts of who I am.

But the day came, fueled by PMS and hormones, and it shocked the hell out of me. For a moment, I had to decide what mattered more – my babygirl nature or my desire to submit and serve.

I didn’t understand it at first. Since discovering BDSM, and especially D/s, I’d never actually questioned my submission. In the beginning I questioned my sanity a little – any woman who’s raised with the idea that feminism means not needing or even wanting a man probably does. Submission felt so right, a missing puzzle piece completing the picture of who I am, that to question it – three years later – was shocking.

It took me a while, but I figured it out.

The babygirl side wants to be taken care of – pampered, nurtured, coddled.
My submissive side wants to (and needs to) serve and take care of my Dominant.

See the conflict? I’ve been in a relationship with Southern Sir since 2013 and had never had to face these feelings.

For the first time, I didn’t want to make his coffee, kneel before him, turn down the bed, or submit to what he said. I wanted to sit in his lap, cry on his shoulder, and be told he would take care of everything. I was able to have what I wanted, but I still needed to honor my commitment to our relationship – even though I didn’t feel like it in the moment.

A Test of Submission

Have you ever heard the saying that the true test of submission is how you react the first time you’re told no to something you want? That’s one test, and I haven’t met a submissive yet who hasn’t faced it. The other test, one that isn’t talked about much, is what you do when you don’t want to submit at all.

I can admit that the few times I’ve heard someone say they didn’t “feel like” submitting to their Dominant, I was confused. I work hard at not being a Judgy McJudgerson, but the concept was so foreign to me, judgment about their commitment to D/s would creep in before I stopped myself. (No worries, I gave myself a harsh talking to and threatened myself with corner time if I kept it up.)

Now, I get it.

I don’t like that feeling. I don’t like the pull between two separate parts of my personality. But it reaffirmed something I’d forgotten (for myself).

Submission is a choice. Being a babygirl might be part of my personality. Being a submissive might be something that comes naturally to me. But submitting to the desires of our Dominant is always a choice.

What we do with that choice is up to us.

As for me? I got over my hormonal drama, did my tasks like a good girl, and then was rewarded with extra cuddle time. And I passed a hard test as a submissive.

Tell me…have you ever felt that way? Do you ever have to deal with the push and pull of your submissive nature and other parts of your personality? How do you handle it? Talk to me in the comments below!

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Published on August 25, 2015 07:00

August 24, 2015

Why Your Sexual Needs Matter in a D/s Relationship (or ANY Relationship)

From the Submissive Guide Newsletter 5/23/15

Far too often I hear stories of submissives who are unhappy in their relationship because their partners don’t care about their orgasms or listen to their sexual needs. Some Dominants go as far as saying that they should get enjoyment out of being used, told they are topping from the bottom by asking about their own sexual desires or that the submissive doesn’t care about the Dom’s needs by asking for something during sex. All of these can be signals of poor communication in the least or a major incompatibility in a partner. What you need to know about your sexual needs as a submissive is that they matter and your voice matters (unless you’ve negotiated that they don’t). Even if your sexual needs are to feel like an object and be used, those needs have to have a voice and far too often submissives that talk to me are not sure how to get these needs expressed.

Let me tell you that it’s not an easy road, as you can probably imagine.

Any time we need to talk bout our sex lives with our significant other there are feelings of apprehension and discomfort. You don’t want them to think that you are miserable or that you are criticizing their performance. So, do you just ignore it and try to work past the problems as if they were your problem? Far too often that’s the question, “how do I cope with him not giving me what I desire during sex?” when the real question is, “how can I talk to him about my needs and work to get them to change?”

Why Do Your Sexual Needs Matter?

It is the topic of the day isn’t it? Other than fulfilling pleasure, your sexual needs are just as important as any other needs you have in a relationship; from love or happiness, trust and honesty, being taken care of or anything else you’ve determined is a need for you in a relationship. When you chose to be submissive to someone, your needs aren’t negated in favor of theirs. All relationships function best when both parties needs are served and even more successful when your desires can be catered to as well.

Without a doubt, most relationships involve sex. If you enter into an intimate relationship with someone, there’s going to be sex. Let’s just take that as a given. Sure there are exceptions to every rule, but stay with me here.

How to Communicate Your Sexual Needs

So you’ve come to the decision that you need to talk about your sexual needs. You’ve either begun to talk about sex or you are at a point where you need to re-emphasize the importance of your part in the sexual relationship. I admit that I’ve had this talk a time or two – usually because I’m the one missing his needs, and it’s hard to be in the receiving end. But it has also been a moment of growth and realization. It’s a powerful thing to be asked to care for your partners sexual needs.

Figure out exactly what you need from your partner. – Admit it. We are pretty darned good at knowing what we aren’t getting when it comes to sex. But telling your partner what you aren’t getting isn’t going to solve it. You need to be able to word it in the way of what you need from them to get what you don’t have. I don’t know about you but KnyghtMare always wants to know how he can help or fix what’s wrong.

Don’t ask for things that you know they can’t provide. – If you want to explore submission, but your partner doesn’t have a Dominant bone in their body, then asking them to Dominate you is going to be a recipe for rejection. There are things that you could consider not part of your sexual life that your partner might want to try. Knowing these things doesn’t mean you have to satisfy them. But compromise might be your only solution.

If something is lacking, find a delicate way to express it. – It’s a hard thing to hear that you aren’t pleasing your partner in a way you thought you were. Finding a compassionate way to tell them makes someone more receptive to change, improvement or open exploration.

Shower them with praise before sharing a negative thought. – On the heels of the previous tip, make sure you boost their sexual confidence before telling them something that could deflate their ego. Something simple like, “Baby I love the way you nibble my neck but sometimes it’s too fierce. Let’s work on making it hotter for both of us!”

Listen. – I’m terrible at formulating my responses before the person has stopped talking. But this is a sensitive topic to share with someone else so try hard to focus on what they are saying before you respond. Give them all of your attention. It probably took a lot of guts to tell you about their sexual needs and desires so respect their wishes and listen.

What If I’m Not Looking for Sexual Pleasure?

There are some D/s relationships that function where the submissive is an object, especially a sex object. In many of these situations it is agreed that the submissive’s sexual needs are not a priority. That doesn’t mean they never get what they want, but that during sex play the Dominant can disregard the sexual desires of the submissive completely and use them as an object. It can also include pain play and pushing beyond the limits of the submissive (although not as common).

If you aren’t looking to have your sexual needs satisfied in your relationship, or that you want to be a sex object, then that doesn’t excuse you from giving your partner everything they need from sex. So these talks will likely still come up at least in the beginning of a relationship.

Thoughts to Ponder
How did you express your sexual desires in your most recent relationship?
Do you have sexual needs that are not being fulfilled? What is keeping you from sharing those?
Do you have other ways that help you talk about sexual needs and desires?
Related Posts:
Trust is a Five Letter Word
Submission in Marriage – Shifting from Husband and Wife to Dominant and Submissive
You Can Not Make Someone Be a Dominant
Ask lunaKM – Weakness and Triggers, 24/7 Start and Incompatibility
Male Submission – Selfishness

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Published on August 24, 2015 07:00

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