Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 47

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks,

KnyghtMare got me a FitBit! I’ve wanted one for a while but never asked. I love stats and am self-competitive, which means if I see a number like steps taken, I want to get the highest number possible. I don’t have to battle with anyone else, just me. I’m battling some back pain so the numbers aren’t as high a I’d like, but the good news is that he also got me a gym membership. This is something I asked for so I’ll be using it as much as possible. This has to be my year. I will lose the weight and get healthy. In the least I’ll develop a workout habit.

Are you a FitBit owner? Wanna be my buddy? Send me an email (not a comment here) and I’ll add you!

This Weekend’s Giveaway – A Fantasy Gag by Tantus

The Summer of Weekend Giveaways is coming to a close! This is the final week. This weekend’s giveaway is a Fantasy Gag by Tantus. Enter to win by midnight CST tonight! Don’t miss it.

As with all of Submissive’ Guide’s giveaways, you only need to enter your email address to win. Winners must be 18+ to win. Some giveaways are restricted to US or US/Canada only and will be marked if there are limitations.

Giveaways run from Thursday through Sunday every week this summer until we run out of prizes!

Join the growing list of supporters and fans!
Next Goal: Monthly Webinars – I’m so close to this goal!!
I work hard to write and produce the content and I don’t ask for much in return. Supporting the site is a small way you can show me that you appreciate my efforts. If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a patron of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $3 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation.Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

Embracing Your Label – Submissive Meditation Monday
How to Deal With the Question of Being Kinky and a Parent
Weekend Giveaway: Fantasy Gag by Tantus (1 Winner)
The Need for Speed – The Desperation of Some Dominants

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask lunaKM Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

Ask lunaKM – Feeling Like a Third Wheel in a Triad

Do you have any advice for someone in a triad that is constantly feeling like a third wheel because the other female sub puts constant emphasis on being “wife” and legally married to the male dominant of the relationship? Saying we are equal to him, but her actions and words don’t back it up causing constant turmoil in the relationship. Yes, we’ve discussed it numerous times over the past two years. Every time she apologizes with a but I am his wife attitude or actually says it.

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2014: Ask lunaKM – Is he Dominant or Domineering?
In 2013: Ask lunaKM – Compatibility, Safewords when Deaf and Power Play Preferences
In 2012: Domestic Challenge of the Day – Cooking for a Picky Dominant
In 2011: Dominant vs. Domineering
In 2010: The Female of the Species by thisgirl

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

Does your owner request, allow or demand that you post pictures of yourself on your journal? How does this make you feel?
Would you ever go through some training with a Dominant that was not your Owner? What for?
Do you like sensory deprivation of any kind? What are your favorite types of this play?
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!

Featured Podcast of the Week – Power In Practice

Episode 19 ? Pay Attention

23 Aug 2015, 11:07am GMT

→ Power In Practice

It has been a bit more than five years since out last real episode. Everyone involved in Power In Practice thanks our audience for your patience and faith. We have plenty in store for you… take a listen. During the episode I mention out chat community. By all means go to bitly.com/pipchat and request an invitation! We will be happy … Read More

MP3 audio (10MB, 7min)

Podcast RSS

iTunes subscribe

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on August 23, 2015 10:00

The Need for Speed – The Desperation of Some Dominants

This is a guest post by Mistress Steel. It was part of her Steel’s Chamber Scrolls which is now defunct. Shared with Permission.

“I am looking for a NEW SUBMISSIVE to collar as my slave.”

Why?

This comment is perhaps one of the more common statements made by Male Dominant names in Internet chat rooms. It also occurs with Female Dominant names online too although not as frequently. New Female Dominant names tend to like to acquire ‘stables’ of cyber submissives. When questioned (as I have recently been doing.) the Dominant name cannot seem to pinpoint or openly discuss why they are looking for people (generally women) new to the D/s communities (via Internet exploration). In looking at the question pragmatically I eventually ask myself ‘what is the difference between a ‘new’ submissive and a seasoned submissive?’ The overt answer is obvious; a new submissive will be nervous, excited, vulnerable, more easy to persuade and less educated in the lifestyle. They are more likely to ‘listen’ to this Dominant name on the Internet and offer that unknown person instant respect and attention. They are more likely to ‘believe’ what that Dominant name tells them both about themselves and about how things work within this community. Within this belief this new submissive can be molded and told to discard simple sane safety measures, they can be convinced that they must listen to the wisdom of this Dominant name solely before and above all other persons, even if what they hear is not what others tell them.

Why is this Dominant name not looking for a seasoned submissive? Some will tell you that the ‘training’ of others (other Dominants) has in some way ‘tainted’ the submissive or made them respond in ways that the Dominant name does not agree with. This theory is not borne out in reality. A seasoned submissive (lifestyle active) will often experience many different styles of Domination and information exchange during their formative years as an unseasoned submissive within the community, especially if they are active within a local community group (this is real life folks!). This diversity of styles, thoughts, ideas and information broadens the base on which that submissive places their own understanding of self. Each individual must explore and examine the events of their life for validity within their own understanding. Our errors and misplaced moments of trust serve to teach us profound and important lessons about ourselves and others. A seasoned submissive will not offer ‘instant’ respect for an unknown stranger online who knows how to type in a Dominant name in a screen name box. They will be courteous and reserve judgment based on a long-term observation of that persons actions within the framework of the arena in which they exist. For many people this arena is the very limited exposure in Internet chatrooms, forums, onelists and message boards. If a seasoned submissive notes ‘problem’ language, disrespect of submissives, language that violates basic well-known community safety standards then a seasoned submissive will decide that the ‘individual’ may have problems and potentially may be completely without any real experience regardless of their protestations of expertise. Problem persons in control positions can lead to injury, damage and death. A seasoned submissive will err in favor of their own life and move away from continued contact.

A seasoned submissive is ‘unlikely’ to engage in artificial (cyber) collaring with a person known only via Internet typing and an occasional phone call. A full or formal collaring to a seasoned submissive is often the equivalent of a marriage contract. It is taken with enormous commitment and seriousness by the participants. It is frequently performed before large groups of community friends (real life in person) and acquaintances to introduce the ‘couple’ as a ‘couple’. Within the online community the term ‘collaring’ has taken on the connotation of ‘casual tryst’. It has become common to see people ‘getting collared’ after speaking online for a few days or weeks. It is equally common to see them getting ‘uncollared’ and re-collared to someone else at the drop of a hat. This action appears to be having some diminishing effects on the respect of this formal acknowledgment between Dominant and submissive of their devotion to each other.

A seasoned submissive is less likely to be persuaded by pressure to do ‘things’ or comply with orders quickly. They know that speed can be an enemy, they have no need for speed. BDSM relationships are not formed quickly but take the same time and care as in any vanilla relationship. Dominant and submissive stand on a level playing field if/until or when that relationship turns into a long-term commitment (real life). Scening fast with someone met online can be a death sentence as it is impossible for a stranger to know enough about someone to scene them safely. It is equally impossible for a new submissive to understand or know their range or limits and that lack of understanding makes it difficult or impossible for the new submissive to formulate limits and negotiate safe terms of play or scening. Many new submissives are simply unaware of the existence of a negotiation process within the relationship. They believe that they relinquish all choices when they ‘submit’ to a Dominant. This may be fun in the fantasy of D/s but it is not fun in the realities of life. Any Dominant who does not ‘hear’ the thoughts, ideas and concerns of the submissive they are with or plan to scene is in trouble. This is how accusations of abuse and limits violations occur, this is how people lose trust, this is how to injure and damage a person you are supposed to care about. This is not BDSM! The desire to ‘scene heavy and fast’ with a stranger is a huge warning to any submissive. The desire to become an ‘instant’ couple online may be a manifestation of personal insecurity on one or both persons parts. Some new people believe that the only way to ‘prove’ that they are Dominant or submissive is to be with, own or owned by someone whose presence validates their claim. In actuality many older community people believe that it is only when they are no longer in the reflection of their opposite and they still exist that they are closest to the reality of their inner self.

Written by F.R.R. Mallory – also known as Mistress Steel. This article may be excerpted from Extreme Space, The Domination and Submission Handbook, Safe, Sane and Consensual, Dangerous Choices or other books by F.R.R. Mallory and shared here with her permission. Please click on the book title for information on how you can order a copy of these books and others by F.R.R. Mallory.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on August 21, 2015 07:00

Weekend Giveaway: Fantasy Gag by Tantus (1 Winner)

This is the FINAL week of the Summer Giveaway Series and it’s a fantastic prize! We’ve had a great run this year and want to cap it off with another wonderful prize from Tantus!

Tantus has offered a Fantasy Gag for one lucky winner in our last giveaway of the summer!

Enter now for your chance to win this gag from Tantus!

This giveaway is open internationally. Anyone can enter!

Because silicone is tasteless and odorless, it is ideal for insertion in the mouth. The Fantasy Gag is perfect for those fixated on oral pleasures. The straps are leather and snap off so you can wash the silicone: it’s boilable, bleachable in a 10% solution and dishwasher safe.

Velcro on the straps allow for maximum adjustment for head size and ease of fitting.

Make sure to show Tantus some love and check out their website, Facebook page, Tumblr and Twitter.

Would you like to win a Fantasy Gag? Just click on the graphic below and type in your email address. This giveaway ends Sunday August 23rd, at 11:59 pm, CST. One winner will be chosen and posted on this post on Tuesday.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on August 20, 2015 08:00

Ask lunaKM – Feeling Like a Third Wheel in a Triad

Do you have any advice for someone in a triad that is constantly feeling like a third wheel because the other female sub puts constant emphasis on being “wife” and legally married to the male dominant of the relationship? Saying we are equal to him, but her actions and words don’t back it up causing constant turmoil in the relationship. Yes, we’ve discussed it numerous times over the past two years. Every time she apologizes with a but I am his wife attitude or actually says it.

Thank you in advance,

fed up with being treated poorly by her

Dear fed up,

Being the “wife” in KnyghtMare’s poly life I think I can understand what she’s going though but I know what you are going through also. She feels she should have some special sway on how things work and be held at a higher plane because she wears his ring. But if you are his submissive too, you also wear a ring – around your neck. The only thing that differentiates you in a level triad is that she has legal rights that you don’t. It sounds like you all are striving for a triad where both submissives are on equal footing. What I wonder, since it wasn’t indicated in your brief question, is how does your Dominant respond to these interactions?

If he stands firm that she’s not to have any special privilege in the dynamic then he needs to be the one to work on her behavior with her. Continue to raise your issue with him and be adamant about him working on the issue for the health of the relationship because right now you feel unwelcome and unhappy. If he wants to keep you around he will need to set the wife straight, frequently if need be. But what you can do about it is keep bringing it to his attention that she’s treating you poorly and express how unhappy you are with the constant turmoil she causes.

If, on the other hand, he just let’s her act this way and says the two of you should work it out then I’d have some serious concerns over his control of the dynamic. A Dominant that wishes a fluid triad isn’t going to want to foster angst and stress in his partners. I feel a Dominant that doesn’t want to exert his control where it matters, isn’t really in it for the success of the dynamic but for other reasons. The turmoil would never resolve with this sort of behavior in a Dominant.

The wife may not be cut out to have a triad, as has happened in my relationship with KnyghtMare. The need to feel special and singular in his heart lead me to push back and ultimately came to realize that I’m monogamous. His other relationships no longer try to integrate me and it has brought about a sense of shaky peace between us. There are all sorts of poly relationship styles that could suit her better than a triad. She may be having similar feelings to what I had – especially if poly wasn’t her idea.

Now, this is all speculation, of course since I can only get so much information from your email but I do hope that you realize that your happiness is most important to your success in any relationship, this or any other. You’ve already been miserable because of the wife treating your poorly for 2 years. How long will you allow yourself to feel like an unwanted outsider before you decide it isn’t worth it?

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on August 19, 2015 08:00

How to Deal With the Question of Being Kinky and a Parent

How to Deal with the Question of Being Kinky and Being a Parent

Some of us live our D/s lives out in the open, letting family and friends know who and what we are – and dealing with any fallout from people who don’t understand the lifestyle. To you, I have much love and respect. I’m not there yet…and maybe I never will be.

Others, like myself, keep it completely separate from our vanilla lives. We create separate social media accounts, pseudonyms, and hide behind the anonymity of the internet. There’s concern and sometimes, fear, of being outed as kinky.

Whichever way we handle our kinky lives, we often face a lot of the same questions and judgment from people on the outside looking in.

Show of hands…

How many of you think you can’t be into kink, BDSM, or have a D/s relationship if you have kids?

How many of you get asked (too often, I might add) how you do it with kids?

For the first group, hold on to your seats. I think it’s time to get some extra education. For the second group, let me share with you how I handle this question – and I do get it a lot.

First, you have to realize that the question of whether you can be kinky and a parent comes from one of two places. Either someone is genuinely confused because they still have a lot to learn about D/s and BDSM, or they’re judging the lifestyle based on false information and preconceived notions.

Confused but Well-Meaning

When someone is genuinely trying to learn more about the lifestyle and wrap their mind around being kinky and being a parent, I try to be gentle with them. There is so much bad information out there about BDSM and D/s that it’s easy for those just starting out to be confused.

My answer to this question?

My children never see anything overtly sexual. I’ve been fortunate that they’ve never caught us playing or found a toy, flogger, cane, or paddle. Only one time have they questioned something they heard. It was a quick smack on the ass while we were getting ready for the day. The boys were in their bedroom, we were in ours, but the walls were thin.

For our own reasons, they don’t hear me call Southern Sir “Daddy” or even “Sir.” Because he’s like a stepfather to my kids (we’re not married), they call him Mr. John, so I do, too. I consider it another honorific to use, specifically when my children are around or might be able to hear us.

What my children see are two people in a loving relationship who show each other respect at all times. They see us laugh, tease, and even fuss with each other. We learned our lessons from previous relationships, and we keep the big arguments between us, behind closed doors. They pretend to gag when we kiss in front of them. Typical parent/child stuff, y’all.

The tasks I may complete in front of them aren’t overtly kinky. Making him a cup of coffee, serving him dinner, re-filling his drink. All of those are things I’m required to do, but they don’t have a clue. They think Mom is just being nice and taking care of “Mr. John” the way I take care of them.

If the day comes that they have questions, we will answer them in an age-appropriate way that educates them without (hopefully, lol) scarring them for life.

For Those Who Just Don’t Get It

Some people truly believe that you can’t be a parent and a kinkster. I’ve seen people labeled a bad parent for being kinky! There are plenty of examples of kink being used against a parent in custody cases. Nothing gets my blood boiling hotter than some uneducated judgment being thrown around by people who believe they have all the answers. Grrrr…

How do I respond to these people? With a question of my own…

When asked how I can possibly be kinky as a parent (you know, in that tone that implies that I’m no better than a child abuser), my response is always the same.

Do you have vanilla sex with your kids in the same room?

No? Then why do you think I’m having kinky sex in the same room with my children? What specific examples of my behavior or that of anyone in the lifestyle makes you think that’s what we’re doing?

Oh, I see. Your entire education about kink, BDSM, and D/s comes from erotic fiction that may or may not be based on reality or porn which definitely has little basis in reality. You think submissives are all laying around naked, waiting for commands to be issued. Right? And clearly, we’re so immoral we do this with our children around.

It makes steam come out of my ears every single time.

Here’s the bottom line. Yes, you can be kinky and be a parent. Yes, you can be a 24/7 submissive and still be a parent. It’s all about what you let your children see and how you explain the things they may hear or see that you were trying to hide.

Find good hiding spots for your toys. Do everything you can to minimize noise or get your major kink on when they’re not home. Let your children see the respect you have for your partner. And, like everything we do as parents, figure out what works best for your children based on their maturity level and age and for your family as a whole.

I can’t be the only one who deals with this. Have you had this question before? How did you handle it? Talk to me in the comment section, y’all!

Image via Flickr

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on August 18, 2015 07:00

Embracing Your Label – Submissive Meditation Monday

I’m devoting this Monday to meditation, reflection and devotion to submission. I hope to select topics that will get you thinking differently about some part of your life or submission and then just maybe grow a little bit further. If you have ideas for topics that might work for a Meditation Monday, please email me.

When I started exploring BDSM I was certain that I was a bottom. I didn’t want to be ordered about outside of the bedroom and really only wanted the kinky-fuckery as a part of my life. Twelve years later I’m embarking on a new label – total authority slave. It’s still very new and I’m scared of what it all entails still but as with everything I think I can do it. It will be hard learning new rules and behaviors that will be required. KnyghtMare is very excited about my progression but he’s hesitant too. We’ve tried this before about 6 years ago and it backfired horribly. So much so that my inability to be a total authority slave lead to us opening the relationship and the start of poly.

But this new label is going to take some growing into. And with that comes a lesson I’m sharing with you today. You are not your label. Your label is not going to define who you are. I know, I know. I was just contradicting myself. But let’s see if I can work my way out of it for you. When we first find BDSM we want to label ourselves to see where we fit in. Many of us find a label and keep it for the entire time we are active in the lifestyle. For others they wear labels like coats, changing them whenever the need arises. And still more, discard labels as they feel they change and grow, never to return to the old labels. In these situations, the label does not define who you are. You choose to wear the label that feels best to you at the time.

Activity

I want you to take a few minutes right now and write down the labels you use to define yourself in the lifestyle. Look at each of them carefully. Understanding that you can be any labels you wish to, we’re going to try to understand why these labels are the ones we desire.

How well do they fit you?
Why did you choose them?
What have you read about the labels you use that don’t sit well with you?
Is there controversy over your chosen labels?
What have you resolved about those controversies?

Hopefully through this exercise you’ve learned a bit more about why you wear the label you currently do and how your characteristics and personality determines what label works and not that you conform to a label. If you have tried to conform to the definition of sub or slave or little but it doesn’t feel right, maybe you’ve found a new label that works better for you – or no label at all.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on August 17, 2015 08:00

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks,

With our new car secured, KnyghtMare has begun learning to drive in the US. It’s interesting for me being the teacher role for him, but it’s going well and his driving test is scheduled for September 1st. He’s really looking forward to driving himself to see Kiva every weekend instead of riding the bus! In other news, my Mom was in a 4 car pile up this weekend and lost her new used car she just got a week ago because her other one was in some flash flooding. So she’s without a car again. She’s fine, thankfully. Boy has he had a run of bad luck!

This Weekend’s Giveaway – An eBook Copy of “BDSM Basics for Beginners-A Guide for Dominants and Submissives Starting to Explore the Lifestyle” by Michelle Fegatofi

Have you heard the news yet? The Summer of Weekend Giveaways is going strong! This weekend’s giveaway is an ebook copy of BDSM Basics for Beginners by Michelle Fegatofi. Enter to win by midnight CST tonight! Don’t miss it. Subscribe to the site if you haven’t already so that you can get the notices every Thursday of the new giveaway.

As with all of Submissive’ Guide’s giveaways, you only need to enter your email address to win. Winners must be 18+ to win. Some giveaways are restricted to US or US/Canada only and will be marked if there are limitations.

Giveaways run from Thursday through Sunday every week this summer until we run out of prizes!

Join the growing list of supporters and fans!
Next Goal: Monthly Webinars – I’m so close to this goal!!
I work hard to write and produce the content and I don’t ask for much in return. Supporting the site is a small way you can show me that you appreciate my efforts. If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a patron of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $3 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation.Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

The Secrets to Writing a Successful BDSM Dating Profile
When Kinky isn’t Sexy by kallista
Weekend Giveaway: BDSM Basics for Beginners by Michelle Fegatofi (1 Winner)
How Searching for a Compatible Partner is Like Apartment Hunting by andyiccee

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask lunaKM Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

When my dominant calls me slut, whore etc. Does he really mean it? I’m new to this and I have a hard time knowing whether or not he means this. Master and I are very young and he’s the only guy I’ve ever gone very far sexually with. I’m a good girl and none of my past boyfriends have ever done anything with me so it hurts a little bit when he calls me those names, not much or very often. Just a little, sometimes. only because it doesn’t make sense.

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2014: Using Your Safeword Is Not a Sign of Failure
In 2013: Submitting in a Long Distance Relationship: The Big Meet by kallista
In 2012: How to Approach a Dominant You Are Interested In
In 2011: Chat Night Transcript from BDSM with Kids at Home Chat
In 2010: Green Recipes for Home and Health by SehAnru

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

Make a list of five substitutes for the traditional black leather slave collar. Try wearing one of these substitutes for the day. How does it make you feel? Do you find yourself aware of the collar? Of yourself as a slave-in-training?
How do you vet a Dominant? What’s your process of checking them out before you meet or play with them? – from Submissive Safe Haven
If, over the years, your owner discovered his morals in one particular area were different than he originally thought- and they were different than your own, how would you feel? How important is it to you than your ethics match your owner’s?
What purpose do contracts serve? Would you or do you have a contract in place? What are pros and cons of having a written contract? -from Submissive Safe Haven
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!

Featured Podcast of the Week – KinkyCast

Episode #81 – Master Cecil & darcy on Top/bottom training

14 Aug 2015, 1:01pm GMT

→ KinkyCast

Our friends Master Cecil and his darcy share their class on role identification and moving on. “So you’re a Dominant” or So you’re a submissive”, now what? There is a lot of training available for top and bottoms. Join us as these expert trainers discuss the reasons for a solid background in kink education. Bottoms need to know as much about the scene as a top, safety is an important issue for both. They offer some great advice.

MP3 audio (19MB, 55min)

Podcast RSS

iTunes subscribe

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on August 16, 2015 10:00

How Searching for a Compatible Partner is Like Apartment Hunting

My partner and I just went through the strenuous process of apartment hunting and I realized along the way, that there are many similarities between apartment hunting and hunting for a compatible partner. These similarities are applicable both in vanilla and kinky relationships, but I believe, they are more pronounced in kink.

When you begin apartment hunting, you go into the process with a list of criteria. My parameters were broad. I had a radius to work and my best friend that I wanted to stay within, I had a price range, and I wanted the place to ‘feel like home.’ Honestly, these are pretty vague guidelines. Maybe I should have been more specific, maybe that would have prevented me from looking at so many apartments I didn’t like, or maybe being so vague allowed me to tighten up my parameters as the process went on by learning what I didn’t want in the apartment.

Now, despite this positive spin that I put on looking at apartments I didn’t like didn’t make it any less painful. The first few apartments were comically horrible, places that look ‘okay at best’ online and even worse in person. Chief and I laughed at the paint, the tiles, the horrific landlords, but by the end of the first day I was already in tears.

The last apartment that we looked at on the first day had some of the amenities that we had, at that point, decided we wanted. It had some nice woodworking, it had a bathroom big enough to stand in, and a bathtub (I love baths), and the landlord was so sweet and nice and accommodating. I was ready to accept on the spot – thank god that Chief pulled me aside to talk to me. He pointed out that the kitchen was so small that it had three cabinets and that the stove and refrigerator were in the kitchen. I shrugged it off at first, but then he pointed out how much we love to cook together, we couldn’t do that here. He pointed out how ugly the paint was and how I would hate it within the month. He brought me back to my senses, and though I was grumpy and angry for the next hour, I am so glad that he made me wait to place money on something that really wasn’t what we wanted.

I think that many people go through this with relationships. You go into them with some expectations and when they are not met at all in the first few relationships you laugh about it with your friends because how they dressed, how they acted, or any manner of other characteristics were so far off from what you were looking for. But then it gets a little harder when you keep trying and it keeps not working out. I started comparing my apartment hunting success to others – why was my best friend able to find her dream apartment on the first try and I wasn’t finding anything even close?

These comparisons and frustrations are even more pertinent when it comes to relationships. You wonder why others are so happy, why they are so lucky, and why you are still struggling to find something – but don’t worry, you WILL find something, it may just take a little time.

Now I was ready to give up and wait a little while to continue looking. I figured I could continue to live where I was and I would eventually start looking again and find something in some future point. Then my friend sent me a link suggesting that I check out an apartment. It looked amazing online – it was a one bedroom, it was very close to a very happening part of town, it looked well maintained.

Now here is where it was tricky and very, very similar to relationships. I had to work really hard to get the apartment. The receptionist who I called was very rude, promised to show me the apartment and then cancelled. I wasn’t able to reach the landlord directly for three days. When I finally found his direct number the only time he could meet was at 6:45am the following day – which meant that I needed to go into work late (normally I go to work at 7) in order to see the apartment. I was nervous, but I agreed. It was the place – it superseded my expectations. It had exposed brick and exposed beams, it had an open kitchen floor plan, a bathtub, and a spacious bedroom. Now, honestly I did have to make concessions as well – it was more expensive than I was hoping, the bathroom was small, and it was on the third floor, but we found our new home.

The same is true with good relationships. They will come to you when you aren’t even looking for them, suddenly one will just cross your path. You will have to work to make the relationship function in the perfect way and you will have to make some concessions.

Be careful with the concessions you make because your parameters are there for a reason, but if you should feel comfortable with a little give and take. Don’t change who you are no matter how perfect someone seems, but don’t give up or settle for something that is less than what you are looking for. Hold out for someone who embodies that exposed brick and beams (or whatever your equivalent is!! They are out there somewhere.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on August 14, 2015 07:00

Weekend Giveaway: BDSM Basics for Beginners by Michelle Fegatofi (1 Winner)

Welcome back to another week of giveaways!

This week one lucky Submissive Guide reader will win a ebook copy of Michelle Fegatofi’s “BDSM Basics for Beginners-A Guide for Dominants and Submissives Starting to Explore the Lifestyle”. If the name Michelle Fegatofi sounds familiar to you, it’s because she runs a really great site, bdsmunveiled.com. If you haven’t heard of her site, you will want to make sure to check it out.

Book Description

You have been drawn to the world of Bdsm, but searching for one book to give you an overview of both Dominance and Submission. This book provides you with descriptions of all roles, different Bdsm relationships, commonly used terms, guidelines for roles and responsibilities, and much more. After reading this book, you should have a well rounded foundation to start your journey further into the ever changing world that is known as BDSM.

Check out BDSMUnveiled and follow Michelle on Twitter and Google+.

Would you like to win an ebook version of “BDSM Basics for Beginners-A Guide for Dominants and Submissives Starting to Explore the Lifestyle” by Michelle Fegatofi? Just click on the graphic below and type in your email address. This giveaway ends Sunday, August 16th at 11:59 pm, CST. One winner will be chosen and posted on this post on Tuesday.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on August 13, 2015 06:13

Ask lunaKM – When My Dominant Calls Me Names, Does He Mean It?

When my dominant calls me slut, whore etc. Does he really mean it? I’m new to this and I have a hard time knowing whether or not he means this. Master and I are very young and he’s the only guy I’ve ever gone very far sexually with. I’m a good girl and none of my past boyfriends have ever done anything with me so it hurts a little bit when he calls me those names, not much or very often. Just a little, sometimes. only because it doesn’t make sense.

Hi there,

Whether your partner means what he says will only come to light if you ask him. There is a huge variety of verbal humiliation and the use of dirty talk that you probably aren’t aware of yet or you wouldn’t have asked this question. But first, talk with him about the words he’s using and how they make you feel. Get some insight into why he’s using them and when. It might answer this question for you. If this is something you don’t like, then don’t let him continue to do it. But please make sure to understand why he’s using dirty talk with you before then.

Now, the dirty talk and verbal humiliation are fetishes and activities in BDSM. Dirty talk is probably one you are more familiar with if you’ve seen any pornography. It’s just saying naughty things and turning yourself and your partner on. It can involve a lot of different things from raunchy words for each other’s genitals and the sexy things you are doing, or it can involve calling each other names like whore and slut or even bastard or prick. It’s all in an individual’s taste. Make sure you read my other posts about the types of naughty talk and how to talk dirty to get a better idea of what it can entail and pick up a copy of “Exhibitionism for the Shy” by Carol Queen.

Dirty talk can be considered a part of verbal humiliation but it has a different purpose. Humiliation is meant to make the person feel embarrassed and uncomfortable. Some people get turned on when they are uncomfortable or embarrassed so it’s a part of BDSM for that reason. It’s possible he’s using these names to make you feel uncomfortable because it’s part of what turns him on. Again, you’ll need to talk to him about all of this to know for sure.

I hope you get the clarity that you need.

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on August 12, 2015 08:00