Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 48

When Kinky isn’t Sexy

A common misunderstanding that people who are new to the scene seem to have is that kink and sex are indistinguishable from each other: if something kinky ensues, something sexy is sure to follow. The reality is, however, that the two can, and sometimes should, be separated. This is especially true if the participants in an activity are all new to the activity in question.

This past weekend, for example, my Dom and I finally broke out the hemp/linen rope that she bought years ago, and tried our hands at some Kinbaku. If you’re unfamiliar with Kinbaku (also known as Shibari), it’s the quintessential bondage practice. It’s great not only for the fact that it completely immobilizes the person being tied up, but also because it’s aesthetically pleasing once it’s finished. Unfortunately, if the person doing the tying up is unfamiliar with the theories behind it, however, it can be incredibly dangerous for the person being tied.

If you have read my other articles, you’ll know that my Dom and I are both relatively new to the scene. Though we have implemented the Dominant/submissive dynamic to our relationship for the past four and a half years, the fact that our relationship has been incredibly long distance means that we’re just now beginning to explore some of the more complex aspects of bondage for the first time. Since, in this regard, we are both inexperienced, and since my Dom and I work under the principles of Safe-Sane-Consensual (SSC), when she brought the rope to my new flat and told me in a very serious voice that it wasn’t going to lead to anything but practice, I knew not to question her conviction too much. It might seem a little backwards, being told that you’re going to be tied up, and told that being tied up wasn’t going to lead to anything sexy, but as much as I would have loved to jump in, and enjoyed the practice to its fullest potential, I preferred taking things slowly to the idea of losing circulation in my hands, or getting trapped in a position that could hurt me.

So if being kinky didn’t lead to sex, what did we do?

Mostly, we talked. We talked a bit about why Kinbaku appealed to us and where our interests stemmed from. We talked a bit about the concerns we had for certain positions. We looked through the book that my Dom brought with the instructions, looked at the pictures, made comments about the designs that we thought were nicest and why, and reviewed the types of rope my Dom bought. I gave her feedback on what I thought was to tight and what was too loose, whether the rope pinched, or if I was comfortable. In short: we felt our way around the practice, and got comfortable with the basic techniques that could be used later on when we weren’t practicing. Was it sexual? No, not really. It was intimate, though, the same way that sitting and watching TV or reading next to each other while lying next to each other in bed can be, in their own rights, intimate.

If we had been really set on it, we might have done been able to do something sexy as well as kinky, but the point of the session wasn’t sex; it was to develop a foundational understanding for something new in the safest way that we could. It gave both of us the opportunity to determine how reality held up to fantasy, and ensured that we would both be more likely to see a mistake if we made one.

It can sometimes be tempting to tell our rational minds to take a hike, or to allow our excitement at trying something new get the better of us. It’s also easy for someone new to the scene to feel like the first time he or she tries something new should be as flawlessly executed as the demonstrators at meets, the pictures in books, or even the videos we watch. Realistically, this isn’t the case; it takes a lot of time and training to become proficient at any practice, and that includes the kinky sort. So if you are new to the scene—especially if you and your partner are exploring the scene together—understand that there is a divide between kink and sex, and that it’s perfectly acceptable if one doesn’t necessarily lead to the other.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on August 11, 2015 07:00

The Secrets to Writing a Successful BDSM Dating Profile

from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 5/9/15

Using a dating site to find a partner that is interested in power exchange and BDSM is a difficult prospect. Many people abandon mainstream sites in hopes that kink social networks and other forums will provide them with a partner that is compatible and looking for the same kind of relationship. I feel that the key to narrowing your search is perfecting your dating profile.

First, the problem with using a social network for a dating profile is that people often confuse potential partners by putting useless information in their “About Me” section that has nothing to do with your personal ad. Because honestly, that’s what you need; a personal ad.

This isn’t the limited 50 character newspaper ad where abbreviations were necessary. You can be eloquent and long-winded if you wish. But as you are going to learn in this essay, there’s definitely a way to be too long-winded; and perhaps deter those you wish to attract.

Your Username is Not a Freak Flag

You may be inclined to make your username something that broadcasts a sexual prowess or particular physical feature you are proud of. Don’t. If you are looking for a long-term relationship then you don’t want the first impression of you to be sex based. Pick something you wouldn’t mind introducing yourself to someone else with. I know far too many usernames that would likely make you blush or feel offended if someone introduced themselves with it in person. Don’t be that guy or gal.

Please don’t use your real name either unless it is a very common one. You want to remain somewhat anonymous on the site until you are ready to reveal more private information. Also, be creative if you desire, but make it something someone can read easily. Using a lot of text-speak is a deterrent to most people. Remember too, that this is just your username and you don’t have to try to fit what you are looking for or who you are in these few characters.

Stats are Important, Lying Will Get You Nowhere

As is often the case on social networks, you can easily lie about your location or age. If you are looking for a long-term relationship I strongly suggest against it. It is misleading and makes you appear that you have more to hide than your basic stats. If you live in a small town, pick the next larger one near you. Women shouldn’t be ashamed of their age either, wear it proudly.

Be straightforward with what you are seeking too. If you need monogamy then list it. If you are bisexual, make sure you express that too. The more honest you are in the stats area the easier it will be for you to pick through potential dates later.

Letting Your Profile Speak For You

Your dating profile does not have to be detailed to attract attention. After all, a relationship, D/s or otherwise is about compatibility in a wide range of areas in your life. If you focus on only one area – usually the kink side – you may not find someone who you enjoy being around outside the playspace. I recommend that you take some time to think about what you want to include in your profile.

Take out a sheet of paper or open a blank document on your computer. Make two labels; positive and negative. Now start listing your qualities and talents, your history and particulars about who you are. Put things like patience and good cook in the positive area. Place things like bad with budgets or that you are a smoker in the negatives. From the positive list, pick out 5 of your favorites or best about you. From the negatives pick at least 2.

Write up a few sentences describing you in a positive light. Use the chosen items from both lists. Now it will be easy to write about the positive traits, but those negative ones need a positive spin. Take smoking for example. If you are looking for a smoker also, then you could put that in the positive list, but if you are wanting to quit then you can say that you are looking for someone who will support breaking the smoking habit.

Once you have a list about you it’s time to make a second list about the person you’d like to meet. Don’t be afraid to list everything including body type and background preferences. Most of this list will be for you only. Once you have the positive and negatives listed, do the same thing you did for you. Write out a few sentences describing the positive qualities in the person you’d like to meet.

Those Pesky Kinks and Fetishes

If you are looking for a D/s or BDSM relationship then you will want to share what you are looking for as far as power exchange or kink. It is only natural to want to list every single kink you are into, but don’t. You do not need to post your entire BDSM checklist in your dating profile. You can share that information once you have found a common ground with someone. What you do want to do is make note of your safety mantra; are you SSC, RACK, PRICK or none, and three of your most desired kinks. Oh and don’t forget the safe sex status and requirements!

Keep this area of the profile brief. Mention what kind of partner you are looking for, such as a Daddy Dom or a 24/7 slave and then define those terms. Describe what you identify as also. Since so many of these terms are different for everyone giving definitions will help people really find out if they fit or not.

A Photo Is Worth How Much?

A good personal profile will have at least one photo of you. I recommend you have a close up, fully clothed picture of yourself in nice clothing and another in casual clothes. Try to fit your whole body in the shot so your potential dates have a good impression of your physical appearance.

A photo is the first thing potential dates will look at, so make it a good one. If they like it they will read the ad and hopefully contact you.

Now, there is some danger here. You could be recognized by someone you don’t want to recognize you. How you decide to handle that is up to you.

Don’t post sexually explicit photos unless you want to attract only sexual exchanges. Remember, we are looking for a relationship, not a fling.

If you’re not comfortable putting your picture up online, avoid overselling your appearance with dubious claims like, “Angelina Jolie look-a-like”.

Privacy is Selective Information

You have an important task in your exchanges with people from a dating site or profile. You need to keep private things about yourself and your life but you also want to attract the right kind of person.

What you should never put on your dating profile:

Your real name, address or email address.
Your kids names and ages, as well as what schools they attend.
Anything specific about your place of work.
Names or personal details of your family, friends or acquaintances.

It seems like this should go without saying, but I’ve seen it. People can find you and stalk you with this information. Keep it private, share it only when you have trust and confidence in someone and only after you have established a report with them.

How to Write the Ad

The bulk of a dating profile is about you. It’s not about who you are looking for. Let’s pretend for a moment, that you are car shopping and you watch car commercials. You will likely hear features the car has and a bit about what sort of person the car is meant for, right? You are trying to do the same in your profile. Exude confidence in yourself and your ability to be a good partner for someone.

Share your positive traits and the reworded negative ones you wrote above. Avoid personal-ad speak. Don’t “like fine dining” when you can be passionate about Thai cuisine, don’t “enjoy movies” when you can declare your enthusiasm for Tarantino. Don’t spill everything about who you are on the page. You want to leave some intrigue to those you develop a conversation with in private.

Then touch upon the type of person you are looking for. Be as specific as you need to be, but keep it brief.

Finally, end with a request to contact you if they feel they connect with you. You want to do the bulk of your person selection through private conversation.

It’s Love, Not Brain Surgery

Your profile isn’t written in stone and very likely isn’t perfect right out of the gate. If you notice that you are getting far too few good responses, then shake up the profile a bit. Reword things, cast a wider net. You can always make changes. Don’t be afraid to add or remove details until you find the dream date and hopefully relationship that matches your every compatibility requirement.

Good luck!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on August 10, 2015 07:00

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks,

We’ve got a car on standby! Yay! We have it going through a final inspection with our mechanic and any repairs they find will be done before we buy the car but I’m so happy to be able to pick up a newer car this next week. Car shopping is stressful and I’m glad that is over.

Raising Money for My Mom

My mom broke her wrist and can not work for 3 months. She’s slowly healing and getting stir-crazy sitting at home doing nothing. She’s always worked paycheck to paycheck so this is a huge financial crisis for her. I’m trying my best to help her survive during this recovery period through a fundraising campaign. If you feel you can help, please check out my GoFundMe campaign. If you want to send gift cards or just a get well card, please check the link for more information.

This Weekend’s Giveaway – A Pair of Purple Leather Cuffs donated by A Submissive’s Initiative

Have you heard the news yet? The Summer of Weekend Giveaways is going strong! This weekend’s giveaway is a pair of purple leather cuffs donated by A Submissive’s Initiative. Enter to win by midnight CST tonight! Don’t miss it. Subscribe to the site if you haven’t already so that you can get the notices every Thursday of the new giveaway.

As with all of Submissive’ Guide’s giveaways, you only need to enter your email address to win. Winners must be 18+ to win. Some giveaways are restricted to US or US/Canada only and will be marked if there are limitations.

Giveaways run from Thursday through Sunday every week this summer until we run out of prizes!

Join the growing list of supporters and fans!
Next Goal: Monthly Webinars – I’m so close to this goal!!
I work hard to write and produce the content and I don’t ask for much in return. Supporting the site is a small way you can show me that you appreciate my efforts. If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a patron of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $3 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation.Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

Safewords During Disciplinary Punishment: Yay or Nay?
Stop Being So Hard on Yourself-The Importance of Accepting Who You Are by tequilarose
Weekend Giveaway: Leather Dirty Devil Cuffs from A Submissive’s Initiative (1 Winner)
Finding Your Submissive Voice: Speak Up for Better, Honest Communication by Mrs. Darling

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask lunaKM Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

Ask lunaKM- How to Ask for More Aftercare

I have experienced sub drop for the first time. I’ve felt down after play but never like this. My dom and I met on Fetlife, and I am his second sub- the other is his best friend. We all get on really well, and he is super attentive, but I still worry about being an inconvenience to their relationship, though they have both accepted me in.

I don’t know how to talk about my sub drop without taking up more of his time and becoming more trouble than I’m worth….Since the premise of our get together was based on sex, I don’t want to become a burden by demanding too much of his time outside the bedroom. What do i do? I feel like i need to say something about needing more contact after a session, but i just don’t know how to without coming across as needy.

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2014: It’s Okay to be New
In 2013: Daddy-Little Girl Dynamics: It’s Not Easy Being A Little by tequilarose
In 2012: Ask SehAnru | What are we? The label game
In 2011: Have a Community Spirit You Can Be Proud Of by LaneyDoll
In 2010: What is Edgeplay?

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

How do you address others in the lifestyle? Do you automatically give strangers respect, or give automatic courtesy and wait for the individual to earn personal respect?
Does being in love with your Dominant change the dynamic?
“Everyone is a potential naked slave to you once you become a trainer.” – Anne Rice
Is a slave held to a higher standard of compliance than a submissive?
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!

Featured Podcast of the Week – Poly Weekly

PW 441: How to have a threesome

7 Aug 2015, 4:12am GMT

→ Polyamory Weekly

Wanna have a threesome? Sexpert Reid Mihalko shares his tips for getting past the awkward and to the fun! Email polyweekly@gmail.com, call 802-505-POLY, Twitter @polyweekly or visit www.polyweekly.com or www.facebook.com/polyweekly

MP3 audio (52MB, 50min)

Podcast RSS

iTunes subscribe

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on August 09, 2015 10:00

Finding Your Submissive Voice: Speak Up for Better, Honest Communication

Almost every submissive or slave I speak with questions their “voice.”

How much to say to their Dominant? When to say it? Can they say anything? What if s/he thinks I’m rude? Would it be better to not say anything? What is appropriate?

Can I still have a voice?

Speaking up vs. speaking out

Speaking up: I believe most Dominants like their s-types with a voice. I’ve used the analogy before, if they wanted to own property with no brain, they’d buy a sports car or a new fishing pole. They want to own a person, and people come with brains and hearts and bodies.
Speak up when you have something intelligent or interesting to share. The Good Wife’s Guide calls this, “Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.” You’re a sexy lil ball of fun! Share that smart, sexy energy.
Speak up when you have important information to share. Details about the schedule, changes in plans, changes in your life that your Dominant needs to know in order to lead you properly. Medical info, vacation plans, financial struggles. Important shit. Speak up. They need to know.
Speak up if your emotions in general or regarding a specific issue are anything other than happily content. Ask for a bit of your Dominant’s time. Specifically speaking solves the problem. “I am feeling disappointed because it has been several weeks since we have played. I am hoping that at some point in the next week we get the opportunity to do so. Thank you.” Speak up… specifically.

VERSUS

Speaking out: Remember that ill-behaved child everybody heard chatting during church service? The over-sharer in mixed company? That uncomfortable couple who always disagrees with each other in front of friends? Awkward. That’s speaking out. Speaking without regard to appropriateness. Big no-no.
Speaking out is not the same as speaking up. Just because you have a voice, and your Dominant wants you to keep that voice, doesn’t mean you can run your mouth willy-nilly.
Speaking out is correcting your Dominant on being wrong in a laughing, mocking tone and/or in front of others. If he is wearing egg on his face, there is a couth way to assist him. Ask if you can speak with him privately if not already, and kindly educate him with a caring attitude.
Speaking out is speaking towards others in a way not befitting their ideal submissive. Now each D-type has his or her own preference. Mine prefers me cordial and polite to all so speaking out would include being rude, unhelpful, or unkind to others. I am a reflection of Him; speaking out is a poor reflection.
Speaking out is crossing the line from calmly sharing your emotions in an adult way to becoming over-emotional and lashing out. Snippy words, bad attitude, throwing things, stomping, pouting. Life happens, and sometimes our emotions get the best of us, but most of the time if we are continuously speaking up we don’t have a need to speak out.

Shutting up vs. Shutting out

Shutting up: Ah, the fine art of knowing when to shut your mouth. Shutting up when appropriate is a good thing, a great thing even. It encourages a Dominant to lead a conversation, to have his viewpoint come through, have his voice heard.
Shutting up is when the learning happens. You can learn amazing things from others in the Lifestyle if you sit back, shut up, and let them talk. Everybody has something to teach you if you give them a chance.
Shutting up is sometimes actually biting your tongue. Literally. If you feel the urge to join gossip, or correct your partner in a public setting, or jump into the middle of a conversation across from you at a munch because you are convinced your advice would be the best, ultimo-supremo advice that person could ever get, ever, STOP. Shut up. If it is a good time to actually speak up, do it in a “speaking up” manner.
Shutting up is quieting your mind and your mouth when you can tell your Dominant needs that. Right after a hard work day, when preparing for SM play, if they have a lot on their mind. Tuck away the non-vital stuff and shut up, become a help for them instead of a hindrance. Let them talk. Or give them silence. Whichever they prefer.

VERSUS

Shutting out: Shutting your Dominant out is purposefully keeping things from them. It is wanting to maintain some shred of (independence? control? dignity?) yourself by keeping something private, particularly something they should know. Something that if they knew, they may lead you differently.
Shutting out is going silent in the face of a personal problem. Deciding to handle it yourself instead of asking for advice or help. Closing the door. It creates a distance between you and your Dominant. A gap now exists; you’re less close, less connected.
Shutting out is a destructive way of forgoing honest communication for privacy. If you are putting your life, your decisions, in the hands of another, they need the information that only you can provide.
Shutting out is convincing yourself you are selfless enough to shoulder the burden of your emotional struggles so as not to bother your Dominant. This won’t work, and is essentially lying by omission. If you’re hurt, you’re hurt. If you’re angry, you’re angry. Time to speak up, not shut out. Every time your Dominant steps up and helps you work through the trouble, your gratitude and trust increases.
Shutting out pushes people away, where shutting up brings people in closer. Be a listening ear to others; not a closed door.

In summary:

UP-lift yourself: Learn to speak up and shut up and you’ll be appropriately using your voice.

OUT with the OUT: Leave speaking out and shutting out behind in the dust.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on August 07, 2015 07:00

Weekend Giveaway: Leather Dirty Devil Cuffs from A Submissive’s Initiative (1 Winner)

This week, we have a pair of purple leather cuffs from Dirty Devil Lingerie donated by Jessica Cocker, the founder and owner of the website A Submissive’s Initiative.

This contest is open to continental US readers only.

Now a little about those beautiful cuffs:
The Leather Cuffs are made with high quality leather and are connected with a handy trigger snap. Lined with suede leather for comfort.

A little about A Submissive’s Initiative(ASI):
A Submissive’s Initiative™ is an educational organization that first began in August of 2012 and us led by Jessica Cocker. ASI offers information about several topics covering sexual education, LGBTQ issues and mental health with a focus on alternative lifestyles, including BDSM. We emphasizes safety, consent and informed decision making along with advice to help partners discover a healthy and fulfilling relationship.This website is a haven for current lifestylers or those just curious about BDSM, no matter their role or preferred label. We cover many aspects of the lifestyle including pet play, daddy/littles, dominance, beginner and experienced lifestyle issues.

Would you like to win these purple cuffs donated by Jessica Cocker? Just click on the graphic below and type in your email address. This giveaway ends Sunday, August 9th at 11:59 pm, CST. One winner will be chosen and posted on this post on Tuesday.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on August 06, 2015 07:57

Ask lunaKM- How to Ask for More Aftercare

I have experienced sub drop for the first time. I’ve felt down after play but never like this. My dom and I met on Fetlife, and I am his second sub- the other is his best friend. We all get on really well, and he is super attentive, but I still worry about being an inconvenience to their relationship, though they have both accepted me in.

I don’t know how to talk about my sub drop without taking up more of his time and becoming more trouble than I’m worth….Since the premise of our get together was based on sex, I don’t want to become a burden by demanding too much of his time outside the bedroom. What do i do? I feel like i need to say something about needing more contact after a session, but i just don’t know how to without coming across as needy.

Hi there,

Sub drop is hard, that’s true. You address a couple of issues in this message so I’m going to do my best to answer them both in this post.

First, asking for more of his time is absolutely necessary if you feel it will help you. He’s chosen to add you to his life so he’s responsible for taking care of you, especially if you are dropping from play with him. Don’t be afraid to ask him for some aftercare or contact after the session. It is not needy at all. It’s being a good submissive and play partner to make sure they know how things are for you. I’ve written a couple of times here about your responsibilities in and out of play and how to ask for aftercare. I suggest you take a look at them.

Far too many people and forums perpetuate the notion that submissives shouldn’t ask for anything and that they should be happy for whatever they get. That’s just not true. Take responsibility for yourself and if you need more attention after a play session then ask for it and make sure you get what you need.

I think the reason you feel like you are an inconvenience is that this poly relationship is new to you. Poly holds different meanings for different people but that doesn’t make you any less of a person or worthy of their time. Take some time as soon as you can to talk to them both and ask them about the situation as you see it and how they can both help you feel more a part of the relationship and less of an inconvenience. You are entitled to your feelings and being needy may seem inappropriate, but it never is wrong to have feelings that need addressing. Make sure you get what you need from this relationship.

Good luck.

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on August 05, 2015 07:00

Stop Being So Hard on Yourself-The Importance of Accepting Who You Are

It’s no secret that I’m an avid reader by all the book reviews that I’ve done for the site. A few months ago, I picked up a copy of Dark Secret Love by Alison Tyler. If you’ve not heard of it, think of it as a modern-day Story of O. Even though this is a piece of fiction, sometimes it’s easy to forget that it is a piece of fiction because it comes across more as a memoir. While I was reading, there was a quote that caught my attention and really stuck with me. It takes place during a conversation with Samantha, the protagonist and Jack, the older man gets what Samantha needs.

“Stop beating yourself up about what you like”, he said, and his hands came down and gripped my wrists and then lifted them, holding them over my head, stretching me. “It’s the way you are, the way you’re wired. You need to accept that. If you’re going to let me take care of you, give you what you want, you have to get over the rest. Can you do that?”

The reason this stuck out to me so much is because it instantly reminded me of how I felt when I started out discovering and learning about my submission. Despite that I knew being a slave, being owned, is what I wanted, and what I knew I needed, I still had this huge internal struggle over it. I kept telling myself I shouldn’t be like this. I shouldn’t want those things. I shouldn’t want to kneel at the feet of a master, I shouldn’t want spanked until I’m black and blue, I shouldn’t want to be dragged around by my hair. That there was something so wrong and so dirty about wanting these things.

Even though I knew I wasn’t the only person out there wanting these things, it still felt wrong. It wasn’t ‘normal’. I had some major hangups about the messages I was getting from society and how what I really wanted differed so much from what I had been taught that I was supposed to want from my relationships and the role I was to play in those relationships. I was so scared because I didn’t know what to do. I don’t know how many countless journal pages I used writing about this, wondering if I could ever come to terms about what it is I wanted to do.

I also found myself struggling with this was when I was around vanilla people, especially my girlfriends. We would all get together for dinner and there was always discussions about the significant others. When I say discussions, I mean bitch sessions about anything and everything that their partners were doing wrong and how things should be handled. Not only that, but some of the dramatics they would pull to get what they wanted and how they would go about giving tips and tricks how to snag the guy they wanted, well…needless to say, their Cosmo like suggestions weren’t exactly of much help to me nor could I say I agreed with them. When I would be in a relationship, I couldn’t really talk to them about it because they didn’t understand the dynamic and some of the rules I had, they considered to be extreme and borderline abusive. That’s when the pamphlets about domestic abuse and information on how to get help would magically appear in my car or purse. I know they meant well with their actions, but it still hurt and would make me again question why I needed to be in a power exchange relationship and even thinking I would be better off in a vanilla relationship.

So, I gave a vanilla relationship a try. It was weird. I wasn’t very happy, especially since I was more dominant than the boyfriend and that was really, really uncharted territory for me. I felt myself starting to feel like I was suffocating in a way. I stuck it out because it was something to do and somebody to be with and plus everyone seemed happy that I was in a ‘normal’ relationship. But then I realized something. I could spend the rest of my life in this ‘normal’ relationship and make everyone else happy or, I could end it and get involved in the lifestyle again and find a partner that would make ME happy.

That’s exactly what I did and I don’t regret it. There’s nothing wrong with what I like. I’m in the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. I’m happy and in love. I don’t have to hide or keep secrets. But, I do still struggle with this. I probably will until the day I die. When I find myself getting into this train of thought, I stop myself and ask myself a question: Why am I beating myself up for being happy?

Another thing that helps me when I get feeling this way is having the support of a community. While Daddy and I haven’t gotten involved with the local community yet, I still have an amazing bunch of people online who are there for me when I need a shoulder to lean on. They help remind me that there are others who want the same thing. This is another reason having community helps-it can put things into perspective.

Next time you find yourself questioning what you’re doing, wondering why you’re wired the way you are, remember you’re not alone and there’s nothing wrong with questioning, but just make sure you don’t spend all your time questioning and not living.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on August 04, 2015 07:00

Safewords During Disciplinary Punishment: Yay or Nay?

Recently I was in a discussion about safewords, but it wasn’t the usual definitions and whether they are truly useful so I thought I’d work though my thoughts on it here and share it with you. The question that was presented was whether safewords should be allowed during punishment and if they weren’t was that considered abuse. A lot of good came out of the discussion, but I also noticed some confusion and misunderstanding as far as what punishment was and what safewords are supposed to do. I want to help you understand these important matters so let’s get to it, shall we?

Punishment or Funishment?

The word punishment gets mixed up more often than I care to count. Many people use it synonymous with play, as in the stuff you do during play to earn a spanking, such as, “Oh punish me Sir, I’ve been a naughty girl!” Many spanking aficionados prefer the term punishment as well for the play they get into. There is nothing wrong with using punishment as your term for play or sessions or a scene, but if you go into a forums you should probably know that your term will get confused around those that take part in a D/s dynamic with punishment as a form of behavior correction.

I prefer to use the term funishment for situations like above. The simple fact that you are having fun negates the real term of punishment for breaking rules or disappointing your Dominant. That is punishment and is not fun at all. It’s not meant to be fun. It’s mean to atone for making a mistake, for behavior correction or displeasure. Punishment is meant to teach ourselves, to learn and grow in the dynamic and to be humble. Not all D/s dynamics have punishment as a part but those that do often don’t use safewords.

So watching the forum argue over safewords when they haven’t clearly defined if what they meant was play or disciplinary punishment was quite interesting. Of course the people who meant funishment sided with needing and adhering to safewords and the people who understood punishment to be discipline said they should be negated. Then it became a shouting match about BDSM vs abuse and how not adhering to safewords during punishment was abuse. So you can see the myriad of confusion I hope.

What Safewords Do

Safewords are used as an emergency button during play to call an end or a pause to playtime when things get to difficult physically, emotionally or mentally. They alert the Top to a problem or a limit and can be remembered when our play may include common stop words like “no” or “don’t” or “stop”. Safewords work best when they are respected and adhered to, and that comes from trust of your partner.

Why Safewords Don’t Work for Punishment

When you are being punished for breaking a known rule, say staying up past your bedtime, then you have to atone for it. If a spanking is how you atone, then you Dominant will make the decision of how many strikes or how the punishment will work. You are learning a lesson, not getting ready for play. So, while your Dominant will not cross your limits during punishment if you safeword to try to get out of being punished then you aren’t learning anything and showing, sometimes, a disrespect of your partner’s trust. So the safeword is suspended in these situations. It has nothing to do with abuse and you consented to be punished by entering the relationship and negotiating a punishment and discipline aspect of it (I hope).

Why Safewords Do Work for Punishment

On the other side of the coin, safewords work for punishment when the discipline is a new experience, the relationship may be new or the activity/tool chosen is brand new. I advocate for not trying something brand new for punishment, but some people do. In this case, it might be imperative to be able to stop the punishment if you discover that the activity or tool doesn’t work for your discipline.

For over a year, KnyghtMare used a particular tool on me for punishment only. Then one day as I was being corrected for something I can’t now recall I started to enjoy the tool. I stopped him with my words, safewords are suspended for me, and told him that the tool wasn’t working anymore and I was enjoying it. Sure I could have kept my mouth shut and just enjoyed my punishment, but I am not one to gloss over a lesson. It would be distrustful and disrespectful of me if I didn’t tell him that the tool had changed meaning. In this case, a safeword worked for punishment.

Yay or Nay?

It is my opinion that a safeword should not be used for punishment unless the tool isn’t doing the job it once did. It should not feel good! It should remind you of your infraction and you should be learning your lesson. When the punishment is over and you apologize a Dominant will often consider the issue dealt with and you are forgiven. How we deal with the guilt is another thing altogether.

tequilarose has also covered this topic and you can read her opinion on Safewords and Punishment.

If you liked this post, check out the other posts on punishment dynamics!

Why A Punishment Dynamic May be Just What You Need
Checks and Balances in Power Exchange by Mrs Darling
Ask lunaKM – What are you punished for?
The Punishment Place by kaya
What to Do When Punishment Starts to Feel Good

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on August 03, 2015 08:00

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks,

Mom has had another financial set back that has me almost as stressed as she is. On Tuesday she encountered flash flooding. Just one moment there was no water and the next it swept under her car up to the door. She panicked when the car died and she got out. The water swept her feet from under her and she fell on her splinted, broken wrist. It’s alright, there was no additional damage but her car is dead. The mechanic found water in the engine so it’s a total loss. This isn’t an expense she can afford at all and I wish I could help her but I’m hoping to get a car here in the next 2 weeks myself.

My old car needs about 500 dollars in repairs and we are keeping it so we’ll have to eventually perform the maintenance. Just so much stress this week!

Raising Money for My Mom

My mom broke her wrist and can not work for 3 months. She’s slowly healing and getting stir-crazy sitting at home doing nothing. She’s always worked paycheck to paycheck so this is a huge financial crisis for her. I’m trying my best to help her survive during this recovery period through a fundraising campaign. If you feel you can help, please check out my GoFundMe campaign. If you want to send gift cards or just a get well card, please check the link for more information.

This Weekend’s Giveaway – An ebook copy of Ein by Sorcha Black

Have you heard the news yet? The Summer of Weekend Giveaways is going strong! This weekend’s giveaway is an ebook copy of Ein by Sorcha Black. Enter to win by midnight CST tonight! Don’t miss it. Subscribe to the site if you haven’t already so that you can get the notices every Thursday of the new giveaway.

As with all of Submissive’ Guide’s giveaways, you only need to enter your email address to win. Winners must be 18+ to win. Some giveaways are restricted to US or US/Canada only and will be marked if there are limitations.

Giveaways run from Thursday through Sunday every week this summer until we run out of prizes!

Join the growing list of supporters and fans!
Next Goal: Monthly Webinars – I’m so close to this goal!!
I work hard to write and produce the content and I don’t ask for much in return. Supporting the site is a small way you can show me that you appreciate my efforts. If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a patron of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $3 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation.Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

Learning To Be a 24/7 Submissive Is Like…
Eight Miles – Looking For a Smooth Transition for Long Distance Relationships by kallista
Weekend Giveaway: Ein by Sorcha Black (1 Winner)
M/s and When Life Happens: Unexpected Happenings by charmed blyss

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask lunaKM Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

Ask lunaKM – I Feel Addicted to My Dominant

i was just wondering if it okay to feel almost addicted to yourDom? Like when my Dom is away for too long i feel sad and lonely, but if He is gone for a day or two i get really depressed not being able to be near Him. The feelings i have for Him is almost as if i am addicted to Him. Not sure if this is normal, and not sure how to explain how i feel inside, but i feel like everything revolves around Him and i completely and fully want to give myself to Him in all ways. i never felt so strongly about previous Doms so it is new to me. i think of Him constantly and cannot seem to focus without Him. Is this normal when you finally find “The One”? Like i said, i have never felt this way for anyone else.

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2014: Exploring Hormone Junkies: Part 4 – Endorphins by Erika McClean
In 2013: Recommended Podcasts for Kink and Power Exchange Relationships
In 2012: Ask SehAnru | My Boyfriend/Dominant Won’t Allow a Safeword
In 2011: Have a Community Spirit You Can Be Proud Of by LaneyDoll
In 2010: none

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

Do you test boundaries at times? Why or why not?
What do women all over the world have in common?
If SM is a part of your dynamic explain how pain works for you. Is it a sexual turn on, a healing release, a spiritual moment, a session of giving?
Write a love letter to your Owner.
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!

Featured Podcast of the Week – Passion and Soul Podcast

PS071 – Being ?Seen? In Our Passions with Xochiquetzal

27 Jul 2015, 6:59pm GMT

→ The Passion And Soul Podcast by Lee Harrington

Join Lee Harrington in this rich discussion with sexuality and spirituality advocate, author and educator Xochiquetzal. They dive into race and appropriation in paganism and kink communities alike, sharing the idea that ?race play? means something totally different as a Latina woman thinking of the Aztecs. From types of ways that people work to be ?seen? in the world to the censure that we do to ourselves every day of our lives, Xochiquetzal and Lee examine how respect comes into play as explorers finding their ways in the world. While doing so, they acknowledge our energetic fatigue and ask each person to breathe deep and find a life beyond the shame gifted to us by our overculture. *…

MP3 audio (50MB, 54min)

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Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on August 02, 2015 07:00

M/s and When Life Happens: Unexpected Happenings

Over the past few months, my life has been a whirlwind of obligations, setbacks, injuries, working with an aging parent, and apparently an abundance of emails… ‘Life happened’ all over my perfectly scheduled routine and pristinely managed emotions. In the vanilla world ‘life’ is expected to happen – meaning, we expect the unexpected because that’s how life is. When it comes to the Lifestyle we don’t want ‘life’ happening all over our fantasies, planned event schedules, and our perfectly kink based relationships. But that’s not keeping the Lifestyle in the proper perspective which is that these activities and dynamics are a part of life and as such, life is going to happen all over any and everything Lifestyle.

Now, I won’t say that everything that’s been happening over the past few months has thrown me completely off kilter, that’s not the case. However, what did happen was that I was deeply challenged emotionally. I always expect something to happen, because well, that’s life, so I do my best to be prepared. But in truth, we can prepare all we want for anything – we can make sure that there are plans and contingency plans; we can have emergency contacts and POAs (power of attorney); we can put all our ducks in a row… we’re still usually not prepared for what we experience mentally and emotionally when faced with life’s challenges. The little corner of the world that’s marked ‘blyss’ is a relatively safe and stable place by design – especially emotionally. Challenges were first experienced at work in a way that hit me at my core, it didn’t take long for the Domino effect kick in. Somewhere along the way, I felt like I just wanted to wave my little white flag and tap out, but that wasn’t an option, so I did what any good slave would do – kept it moving. So, here we are today and you know that whole hindsight is 20/20 thing has happened and it’s apparent that there were some things that helped keep me in slave space, keep me from giving up, and helped me navigate each day to the best of my ability. In reflection, though there may have been various life management tools that were implemented they really can be distilled down under three specific topics: Commitment to Obedience, Priorities Rule, and Rejuvenation.

Commitment to Obedience

This may seem odd to some and it may resonate with others, but as a slave, what helps me manage my emotions the most when facing challenging situations is focusing on obedience. It’s not a matter of checking out emotionally or even neglecting my emotions. It’s about understanding two things: 1. I have responsibilities that can’t be neglected because of being overwhelmed; 2. Emotions don’t control me or run my life. There are definite consequences to unraveling emotionally and behaving impulsively and/or tempestuously. This isn’t to say that it’s never happened to me, because it has; no, this is primarily about facing each day with a sober mind to avoid making irrational and impulsive decisions based on being in a highly emotional state. Secondly, knowing that there’s a tendency for me to get anxious and extremely pensive due to fretting over ‘possibilities’, it is paramount for me to keep obedience in the forefront of my mind regarding handling stresses, my disposition, and addressing my emotions in a constructive manner. This is where commitment comes in. Remembering my commitment to being obedient is a crucial key to getting centered when it seems as though the sky is falling. It’s a part of the checklist that helps calm me. Yes, it requires me to dig deep, because frankly, at least temporarily it would feel dang good to just fly off and let the tempest rage, but that’s temporary and there will be hell to pay after. That’s not a check my account can handle. Being committed to obedience reframes and broadens my vision to the long-term expansive view. Therefore, any decisions made are made with the bigger picture in mind rather than short-term gratification. For me, that’s the wiser move.

Necessary Priorities Rule

In this very moment, 700+ emails are in my inbox. Here’s a little ‘blyss fact’, more than just a few emails in the inbox for some reason really gets on my nerves. Yet, over the past few months, emails couldn’t take precedent over the need to reprioritize my daily activities. It’s been important for me to reassess what needs immediate attention, what could wait, and what needed to be released. Emails just didn’t make the cut and you know what? The world didn’t fall of its axis and implode! For those of us who like to have everything flow in a neat routine daily, weekly, and monthly, rearranging priorities can be a bit of a challenge because there’s the belief of “If it’s on my plate, it’s a priority,” and that’s simply not true. There were many items on my plate that weren’t really priorities – things that were enjoyable or tedious, obligations that didn’t make or break me, just extras on the plate of my life that needed to be reexamined (taking the time to check emails, for instance). Reexamining my priorities was even necessary for work as well. What report is due and when? What’s on my to-do list for the day? Will something have to wait until tomorrow? When is my vacation again? It was imperative for me to learn to take my time even when the world around me wanted me to rush. Again, this goes back to knowing myself; rushing only creates an opening for me to slip back into some old habits that are just best left in the past. Each day, I’m responsible for doing my best; and that ‘best’ can be different from day-to-day and week to week. Situations outside of my control are bound to happen at work, it doesn’t matter what my to-do list says, and some situations can change everything for the day in a blink of an eye. But isn’t that how life is in general? When ‘life happens’ we can choose to attempt to remain ridge, crumble under the pressure, or get flexible and keep moving forward.

Rejuvenation

Self-preservation… some people seem to think that it’s selfish to maintain a level of self-preservation (a necessary priority) during crisis, but that’s furthest from the truth. Going a full day without eating real food, not giving full attention to hygiene, not taking the time to get grounded and quiet the mind, neglecting simple moments of pleasure all add to experience of crisis – we must rejuvenate! In May, I managed to injure my back, this forced me to really take care of myself in a way that had been lacking. Of course this wasn’t my perspective initially. What crossed my mind were all the things that would fall to the wayside because of the injury – work, gym and fitness, and anything that required me to sit up for longer periods of time. But, a mind much wiser than mine gave me a reality check about the down time – in short, injuries are going to happen (it was workout related), focus on healing. And that’s just what was done. The injury forced me to slow down drastically and take a more leisurely approach to each day as to avoid aggravating the injury. Admittedly, it was really nice to slow down, sleep in, and redirect some of my energy into caring for myself. Continuing to press when the mind and the body are screaming for rest and some simple joys can prove to be detrimental. A person can only go so long before experiencing the consequences of denial. Life has a very odd way of reminding us of this. It’s become a personal goal for me each day to get enough rest each day and laugh or smile about something. This has made all the difference in facing the challenges currently on my plate and my attitude towards them.

These concepts work synergistically and not as separate units; but if one had to be chosen to say this was an absolute foundation or starting point, for me it would be obedience because it leads the other two areas, all of which help me to stay in my slave lane.

Here’s a short list of some daily practical applications for me:

Changing my workout routine and schedule to include at least 2 rest days
Leaving for work 15 minutes early to take the scenic route
Creating personal fitness challenges (a necessary priority)
Journaling to express and reflect on my feelings and thought process
Doing what’s possible to resolve the crisis and recognizing and accepting my limitations

These are just a few specific points that have helped me not only maintain the slave mindset in the midst of challenges and crisis, but also navigate the ups and downs of the past several months while still growing. They’ve proven to be effective and invaluable in my walk, and hopefully they will be just as effective for you.

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on July 31, 2015 07:00