Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 55

May 22, 2015

How The 50 Shades of Grey Series and Movie Have Impacted the BDSM Lifestyle

from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 2/21/15

I had, for the longest time, an opinion that I was not going to write about or mention the “50 Shades of Grey” series on this site. I’ve never read them and have no desire to see the movie, but I have read countless reviews and read-alongs from others in the community and the media to make up my mind about some of what I knew would be prevalent within the literature and newly released movie. Just days after the movie released, this site received a spike in views that more than doubled what it averaged on any other given day – that alone brought my voice to the front and I knew I wanted to give some of my viewpoint on how this piece of popular culture has impacted the BDSM lifestyle and the communities that participants mingle in.

If you’ve lived in a cave for the past 4 years let me give you a little summary of the books from Amazon:

When literature student Anastasia Steele goes to interview young entrepreneur Christian Grey, she encounters a man who is beautiful, brilliant, and intimidating. The unworldly, innocent Ana is startled to realize she wants this man and, despite his enigmatic reserve, finds she is desperate to get close to him. Unable to resist Ana’s quiet beauty, wit, and independent spirit, Grey admits he wants her, too—but on his own terms.

Shocked yet thrilled by Grey’s singular erotic tastes, Ana hesitates. For all the trappings of success—his multinational businesses, his vast wealth, his loving family—Grey is a man tormented by demons and consumed by the need to control. When the couple embarks on a daring, passionately physical affair, Ana discovers Christian Grey’s secrets and explores her own dark desires.

On that premise it is a trashy romance. And most people in the BDSM community agree that it’s trash. They argue that the characters are poorly developed, the BDSM is unrealistic, there’s abuse and rape and a very messed up relationship at the basis of it. So, why are people transfixed by it and using it as a new sex manual in their relationships and marriages?

It’s Everywhere

When a book goes from a water cooler gossip book to a world wide phenomenon it’s hard to go anywhere without people talking about it. While I know many BDSM practitioners cringe when they here vanilla people talking about the book, it does a few things for the general public.

People talk about things that feel naughty and when they do so they might learn a bit more about who they are and what they are interested in. Romance novels on a whole feed a sexual need, even the poorly written ones.

Media outlets are doing stories about BDSM and some of it is positive. The fact that they are talking about it at all helps to build people’s opinions about alternate sex practices. I have always felt that having an opinion based on information is better than not knowing anything at all about a subject.

It’s Unrealistic

The inaccurate portrayal of the BDSM scenes in the series have advocates up in arms arguing that it’s just not the way it’s done. Consent and communication are always on my lips on this site and the books disregard much of that on the premise that “I’m the Dom and know what I want, so accept it”. I don’t think I’d be the first person to say that a romance novel is fiction and you can’t expect the knight to come showing up at your door to sweep you away at any point, but when a romance is written in a modern time people can’t separate fact from fiction as easily.

Also, from what I’ve read in reviews the BDSM itself isn’t realistic to what could actually happen. So the fantasy is even further extended to the actual BDSM that occurs in the book. If you are new and have only read the book, don’t expect it to be the same in any respect to what you’ve read. Do your reading and learning about what really happens.

It Promotes an Abusive Relationship

Since consent is nearly non-existent, the relationship borders on abuse with the mildest of scenes, and in others has outright rape, assault, breaking and entry and brain-washing. The fear that BDSM participants have is that the vanilla public will begin to believe that this is the way it always is and shun the alternate sexuality even more and then vilify or criminalize safer BDSM practices.

Make sure you know the differences between BDSM and abuse before you try to enact anything you read. Anything!

It’s Bringing Novices and Others into Communities

It brings more vanilla people that had closet fantasies out to munches, or at least onto online communities to talk about their interests and stop feeling bad about their fantasies. I’ve certainly noticed an influx of new people exploring BDSM and thankfully they’ve approached the community to get that instruction. I know that I’ve seen a jump up to twice the amount of normal visitors on Submissive Guide for each release of the books and when the movie came out. It’s good that people are exploring what might be a longing they’ve had for quite a while.

Now, with that it also brings curious people that aren’t interested, but just want to gawk at the perverts, media reports of local communities and the damage it can deal to smaller, less organized groups. So, community leaders have to be more aware and on the ball with the new people coming in. I’m certain that in time, these uninterested people will just fade back into their own lives and leave us be, but until them I’m sure we’ll see even more news reports of debacles at BDSM events and gatherings.

I’m sure these aren’t the only impacts this series has on the BDSM community and I would like to hear from you in the comments or send me an email. What impact do you see? Is it good or bad for the community?

Thoughts to Ponder
What do you think of the media coverage that “50 Shades of Gray” is getting?
What other impacts does the book/movie have on the BDSM community and lifestyle?
Interesting Links
Whip Smart: Real-Life Dominatrix Takes on ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’
6 Myths about BDSM Inspired by “50 Shades of Grey”
Real Members of the BDSM Community Tell Us What They Think of 50 Shades of Grey
‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Criticized for Inaccurate Portrayal of BDSM
BDSM Advocates Worry about ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Sex
Related Posts:
Fifty Shades of Grey, Consent and the Media’s Representation of Kink
BDSM and the Media: Two Sides of a Coin
Unleash Your Wild at the Touch of Flavor Conference – A Shades of Grey Style Event July 4-7, 2014
Making Him the Dom of Your Dreams – Working With The Man You Have
Separating Fantasy from Reality – Using Erotic Novels to Find Truth

Copyright 2008-2015 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on May 22, 2015 07:00

May 20, 2015

Ask lunaKM – New to BDSM, where do I find Information?

Me and my boy friend have recently become interested in a D/s relationship I want more information but I’m not sure where to look.

Knowing where to start can be difficult when you don’t know a whole lot about BDSM. You have at least taken a good first step by encountering Submissive Guide and there is a wealth of information there about submission that you can learn from.

To get started, I recommend signing up for the free Starting Out Ecourse to learn more of the basics about BDSM and submission to see if this road really is what you want for your life. It’s a 5 lesson course to help you get you toes in the water. You can sign up for the course here: http://www.submissiveguide.com/ecourses/starting-out-ecourse/

It’s an exciting time when your partner wants to try BDSM and you’ve been aching for this very moment your entire adult life. Being novices together can be exciting and difficult all at once. You see what your fantasies are but you have no real idea how to make them happen safely and without stepping on each other’s toes.

Some of the best resources are books based on BDSM relationships and introductory information. While I will say that what you read online is generally good information, you have to take everything with an open mind. Not everything you read will work for your specific relationship or your personal submission. There is a list of recommended books for novice submissives on the site and I know that Dominants can also gain a lot of insight from these books. Another decent location for information is FetLife.com. It’s a social network with groups on a variety of topics related to BDSM and D/s lifestyles. If you can pick your way through the negative people and horny trolls that exist all over the net you can find a ton of information at your fingertips.

I understand you are probably worried about how you are supposed to act and how to help your Dom learn what works for the relationship and find his own way in BDSM. The key to all of this is communication and negotiation. When you enter into a BDSM relationship it requires far more communication than what society-standard relationships call for. So before you engage in anything, express your concerns about what to do in different situations and set up a safe word to that play or scenes can halt completely when you get over your head. This works for your Dominant as well.

Please realize now that you will make mistakes and you will mess up. That’s a part of learning and growth. Your Dominant is no exception. He will learn and stumble through things too until he can find his own flavor of Dominance that works for him. If you find that either of you is slipping too much and something doesn’t work right, then call a time out and talk about it. Don’t expect things to fix themselves.

A submissive is not a passive role. You don’t just wait on your knees for something to happen. If you know something needs doing or that your Dominant would be pleased if you did something, ask to do it or take the initiative and do it. This relationship is about exchange and you have to give as much as you get. So if you are kneeling and they forget to let you up, then get their attention and ask to get up. If you feel that you are getting too bratty and need to be corrected, then bring that up to them humbly and ask to be corrected for your bad behavior.

A Dominant (a human) can’t read your mind. You need to talk to them about what you wish, you dream, you desire, you need… even if you will dread the results. Asking for punishment is never easy – but if you feel it will help you focus and clear the negative juju going on, then do it. Invest in your relationship and help it work for you.

There are several articles on Submissive Guide that can help you learn more about yourself.

Learning Your Wants and Needs: http://www.submissiveguide.com/2009/02/learning-your-wants-and-needs/

Mapping Out Your Ideal Submission: http://www.submissiveguide.com/2009/03/mapping-ideal-submission/

Recommended Reading for Novice Submissives: http://www.submissiveguide.com/2009/05/recommended-reading-submissives/

Once you feel confident you know who you are it may be time to go meet some people. BDSM groups typically have what are called munches which are public gatherings where you eat and chat and get to know one another. Sometimes there are demos or presentations, but the focus is on support and getting to know that you aren’t alone. You can find munches by using a search engine and typing the name of the nearest large city and the word Munch or BDSM group.

Oh and make sure you check out Dominant Guide too!

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

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Published on May 20, 2015 07:00

May 19, 2015

Book Review: Bondage Snippets by Verianna LaCroix

Bondage Snippets by Verianna LaCroix isn’t like any other non-fiction BDSM book that I have read. Instead of being a book that explains the in and outs of the dynamic or a how to type of book. Bondage Snippets is a book that gives you a sneak peek into the lives of male and female submissives, male and female dominants, switches, and even vanillas who give snippets into their lifestyle. The snippets from the people the author interviewed vary in length from a sentence or two to several paragraphs. These snippets primarily focus on bondage and sexual submission.

LaCroix got the idea for this book when her master noticed how interested she was in other people’s perspectives in the BDSM lifestyle and encouraged her to interview people and write down the ones she found to be the most interesting ones into a journal which eventually became this book. The people who were interviewed range from housewives who have secret online relationships with their dominants, those who are involved in a full-time dynamic and everything in between.

When I started reading this book, I had no idea how I was going to write a review for it. Even when I read father, I still had no idea how to review this book. LaCroix has created a very unique book with sharing these glimpses into other people’s lives with her readers. Like the author, I am always interested in seeing how other people explore and practice the BDSM dynamic within their relationships. Some of these snippets I found interesting, other ones, not so much and there are quite a few that are quite thought-provoking. There were times where I could find myself relating to a specific story and other times I found myself wondering what the heck the people were thinking with activities they did with their partner. This is very much like being at a munch or round table discussion about the lifestyle, but just in the privacy in your own home, or wherever you enjoy doing your reading.

You can purchase your copy of Bondage Snippets at Smashwords, Barnes and Noble, and iTunes.

Product Information:

Tequila R’s Rating: 5/10

Publisher: Verianna LaCroix(April 30, 2011)

Language: English

ISBN: 9781458095749

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Published on May 19, 2015 07:00

May 18, 2015

Lost Wisdom – Submissive Mediation Monday

I’m devoting this Monday to meditation, reflection and devotion to submission. I hope to select topics that will get you thinking differently about some part of your life or submission and then just maybe grow a little bit further. If you have ideas for topics that might work for a Meditation Monday, please email me.

I lost a friend and my first BDSM mentor May 11th. He died in the hospital after a brief illness. He was 60 years old.

I admit that I hadn’t talked to him recently and since I’d married KnyghtMare the contact with him was far less. I just didn’t need the ear of wisdom anymore. I am sure he understood. But now I’m filled with regret for not talking with him more often and his laugh was so infectious that was the first thing I heard in my head when I heard the news.

But this post isn’t about death. It’s about the loss of knowledge. He was such a smart man and his wisdom about life and BDSM helped me figure out who I wanted to be and finding that one person to share it with. He had such enthusiasm for what he knew and loved sharing it with people.

He was also the first to seem excited for me when I started talking about KnyghtMare (nonstop) even though long distance, across an ocean relationships were not common back then. Especially successful ones. And he had such joy for me when KnyghtMare moved across the ocean to be with me.

He was one of the witnesses for our marriage and told wonderful stories at our reception dinner.

And now his voice is silenced.

Now, this isn’t meant to be a depressing post, although I am grieving right now. I am learning that what he shared with me never dies and I know that as long as I pass it along that his memory can live on.

I’m certain that some of what I know about BDSM I learned from talking to him. He was the first D/s relationship I saw in action and it appealed to me. I think that’s when I learned I wanted a D/s relationship and not just the kink.

Every single person you encounter can teach you something about yourself and kink. Even if the person turns out to be a negative influence in your life, you have a chance to learn from it. I want everyone to take a moment today and think about the things you’ve learned from others that really deserve to be passed on. They don’t have to be grand, life changing things. Even the smallest things are worth passing on.

Don’t let your knowledge fade with you. Share it. I’ll continue to write and share what I’ve learned and what I understand with you but I want you all to pledge to pass on what you know to someone else.

If you don’t think you have someone else, share your voice here. Leave your wise words in the comments and keep coming back to the site. We all learn from one another’s stories. Your story is important and powerful too.

Don’t let it be silenced.

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Published on May 18, 2015 07:00

May 15, 2015

24/7: Long Term Relationships

This is a guest post by Mistress Steel. It was part of her Steel’s Chamber Scrolls which is now defunct. Shared with Permission.

Long Term Relationship. 24/7 simply means 24 hours a day – 7 days a week. Not so simply, it usually means the desire for lifetime commitment or a relationship with many or most of the same attributes that are familiar to all of us in its vanilla counterpart – the marriage.

Much of the modern D/s (Domination/submission) community closely resembles or mirror’s tradition. Except, that in many ways the level of expectation between the partner’s within the relationship tends to be stronger. The community that we see today is quite similar to what we would call a ‘normal’ relationships of 100 or more years ago in lots of ways. D/s being the Domination of one partner ‘over’ the other partner within the relationship. There are some indications that people sense the ‘casual integrity’ of the conventional marriage contract today and it’s often limited personal commitment and reject its apparent acceptability by today’s society and that some of the rapid growth of the D/s community can be directly traced to people’s dissatisfaction in this phenomenon. People seek strength. Many people see societal weakness in this current permissive environment and desire to find the ‘image or substance’ of the type of community and security that they believe was normal in the time of their grandparents.

With change comes a sense of insecurity and a feeling of internal restlessness. There is often a strong sense of chaos or for the individual the feeling of being lost. From a females perspective this alteration has offered unknown freedom’s in the areas of physical and financial independence and with those freedom’s the anxiety of not knowing if their mate has the personal resolution to stand next to them through thick and thin. In many cases men tend to view these new freedom’s as adequate to relieving them of personal responsibility to remain within their relationships when problem’s occur or when things get difficult. Another aspect which should ‘not’ be overlooked is a growing desire on both sides to experience the opposite of traditional expectation. For many people this is probably the first time historically when it is relatively permissible to explore feelings which as recent as 20 years ago could devastate one’s personal life, career, and reputation should such feelings be openly displayed or exposed. The responses to these changes are often quite different from one gender to the other, in many ways female submissives tend to be actively seeking the ‘strength’ of the traditional male (even in fem/fem relationships), while many male submissives seem to be actively desiring to shed that role and find wholeness along pathways of previously unexplored aspects of their personalities and inner self.

We are all a product of thousands of years of evolution, experimentation, mutation and success. What we consider to be tradition today is really only tradition from the viewpoint of a very short timeframe. Today’s traditions have been prominent less than 2000 years and most of the organizational aspects of ‘male dominant’, ‘female submitting’ can be traced to patriarchal imposition of behavior by religious organizations and governments. There have always been suggestions that this patriarchal framework was ‘the’ model for humankind in more ancient or primitive societies, however, this may be less true than it might appear on the surface. Modern primitive tribes of people who have been ‘detached’ from interaction with the larger populations of man often structure their societies without what we consider traditional patriarchal dominant structures. So, even as we speak, our understanding of human history continues to be written and rewritten as we are forced to consider that what might be the most prevalent model for human relationships are forms of shared domination where one partner dominates some decisions and the other partner dominates other decisions in a cooperative effort to make the ‘family’ more successful. If you look closely at our own societies you will see evidence of this type of behavior in virtually every culture.

There is much within D/s that draws on the desires of those looking at it from the outside. There is the image of strength, purity, sensuality, eroticism, the removal of puritanical imposed sexual restraints coupled to ideologically superb traits such as loyalty, honor, respect, integrity, trust, truthfulness and commitment. Living ‘to’ those same images is vastly different or more challenging.

It has become cynically acceptable to ‘expect’ failure within relationships. These expectations in some ways offer people an avenue of mental escape from the integral ‘value’ of their own words, oaths or commitments. They ‘know’ that if they have a problem in their marriage that friends, family and coworkers will shake their head and nod in commiserate understanding and they will personally experience little or no ‘loss of face’ or reputation for that failure.

For D/s to work the individual’s ‘word’ has to have meaning or value. One of the fundamental foundations of the relationship is ‘trust’. If your word is ‘fluid’ then you cannot establish and sustain this fundamental ‘trust.’ This alone requires the ‘unlearning’ of vanilla habits. A person who actively demonstrates a ‘failure’ of their word or oath within D/s becomes untrustworthy – (this is for either Dominant or submissive). Without fundamental trust the relationship will cease to exist in any type of positive or growth state.

It becomes ‘crucial’ to say ‘clearly’ exactly what you mean and to listen ‘carefully’ to hear ‘exactly’ what your partner says to you. We have often been taught to try to ‘say’ what we believe other people wish to hear instead of the truth. Truth alone can be blunt and unkind, it is also the edge of the blade that does far less damage than one that is blunted by false veneers. Honesty is essential. Hiding or masking anything will quickly lead into a morass of problems and most often the severing of the relationships potential. To be believed you ‘must’ be believable. If your word can be found to be weak or tenuous then you will not be trusted, respected or valued.

Many people race toward a 24/7 relationship with their eyes filled with its potentials. Colored viewpoints based on fantasy, desire, unrealistic expectations and completely erroneous ideas on who they themselves are inside. Reconciling the ‘image’ to the ‘reality’ takes time, hard work and usually years of effort and compromise. Developing or embracing the ‘whole’ of yourself is not something that will occur ten minutes after you find your first D/s chatroom conversation or the day after your first real life experience. It is a process that is filled with struggle. One submissive that I know describes it this way . . . “submission is often like an insurrection, a constant war within myself that my desire and will control and engage.” Submission is not a constant, it is not selected or chosen and then simply ‘in existence’ in a single moment or choice. Nor is domination a constant. To suggest that it is denies the ‘fullness’ of the inner self. Dominant’s feel as many moments of vulnerability and personal weakness as any other human. Being able to openly experience these moments without censure or judgment is also part of being whole. Often a new Dominant will believe that ‘showing’ these ‘weaknesses’ will make others lose respect for them. In reality the reverse is true. The removal of response to ‘perceived shame’ is a demonstration of strength. Embracing the entirety of yourself will strengthen and reinforce the ego or the core platform from which you live.

24/7 requires that both individual’s actively focus on positive growth within the relationship. It becomes mandatory to develop new skills and personal flexibility to adapt to the unique desires and needs of your partner. It requires the selective and again active removal of ingrained vanilla habits of response or expectation driven reactions. A full-time 24/7 relationship will not survive lies, dishonesty, casual oaths, or any demonstration of a lack of trustworthiness.

The ramifications of failure for a D/s couple are often more devastating than similar consequences in a vanilla relationship. In general, the investment is deeper, especially if that same D/s couple is actively (as most are) involved in BDSM. D/s requires more from people. The levels of commitment and responsibility are significantly higher. As, will be the subsequent challenges and stresses for everyone involved in the years that follow the initial choice to join together. Such relationships should not be entered into quickly or casually. Time is not an enemy here. Take the amount you need to carefully investigate all aspects of your potential partner before moving forward into the depth of full or intense bonding and potentially considering a full-time relationship or 24/7.

Written by F.R.R. Mallory – also known as Mistress Steel. This article may be excerpted from Extreme Space, The Domination and Submission Handbook, Safe, Sane and Consensual, Dangerous Choices or other books by F.R.R. Mallory and shared here with her permission. Please click on the book title for information on how you can order a copy of these books and others by F.R.R. Mallory.

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Published on May 15, 2015 07:00

May 13, 2015

Ask lunaKM – Long Distance Task and Play Ideas

Dear lunaKM,

My daddy Dom and I have a long distance relationship. I was wondering if you had any advice on things we could do together or tasks he can give me. We are both having a hard time with this since this is his first long distance dd/lg relationship. W already share a tumblr even though I am the only one that uses it. He lets me post whatever stuff I want on it and then he goes through it to make sure I’m not posting anything too naughty. I would greatly appreciate any advice you have to give us.

Xoxo,
Madi

Long distance relationships are hard and coming up with ways to interact with each other have to be creative and interesting. There have been several essays on this site about long distance relationships that might help you come up with ideas of things to do for and with each other. With so much information already on this site it feels only extraneous if I try to reiterate everything so I’m going to link to the start of some very good essays to get you started.

Going the Distance – How to Survive a Long Distance Relationship by thisgirl
7 Ways to Maintain a Long Distance Relationship
Submitting in a Long Distance Relationship: Introduction by kallista
Making Long Distance Relationships Work for You by Sephani
You might also want to download the ebook called “Making Online Submission Work for You“.

Also, our sister site, Dominant Guide has an entire subject on Online Dominance that includes long distance relationship dynamics and I know there are things there to help you engage with each other.

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

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Published on May 13, 2015 07:00

May 12, 2015

Book Review: The Warrior Princess Submissive by Michael Makai

I have been wanting to read Michael Makai’s The Warrior Princess Submissive for a while. This is one of those books where the title totally caught my interest. I found myself thinking “Well, I’m submissive, I am definitely a princess, and who doesn’t want to be a warrior?” Not only did the title catch my attention, but another reason why I was so interested is because it’s refreshing to see a book specifically geared towards strong s-types. In my opinion, in BDSM fiction, the s-types tend to come across not so strong. We all know that being a s-type isn’t for the weak of heart, it takes a lot of strength and courage to submit, but they’re never really written as a strong, passionate, loud mouthed type who fight for what they believe in. I feel the same goes for BDSM non-fiction as well. Sometimes I do get the feeling that a lot of s-types out there get the idea that it’s not okay to be strong and able to fight your own battles and be submissive. So, to see someone who has taken the time to write a book encouraging a strong submissive type, I was all over that.

If you’ve read Makai’s first book, Domination and Submission: The BDSM Relationship Handbook, then you know that he devoted quite a bit of time and space to what he considers the nine basic types of submissives and dominants. He added a tenth type of dominant because he felt personally that he didn’t fit into the other nine, the White Knight/Ineffable Dominant. After doing this, he received a lot of emails from readers, asking him why wasn’t there a corresponding category of submissive to go along with the White Knight/Ineffable dominant. He states at first he ignored these messages, until more and more came pouring in. Not only did those emails have something to say about the missing category, but also that they didn’t feel they fit into those nine categories he had given and that is what inspired him to write The Warrior Princess Submissive.

Something you’ll notice right away in the book is that at the beginning of all the chapters, there are quotes from the TV series, Xena, Warrior Princess. In the first chapter, he talks about why. That if his role as a White Knight Dominant is to slay the dragon and save the princess, then his princess isn’t your stereotypical princess, but a princess more like Xena. This is a touch that I really like in the book because I feel it really adds something to the book and the chapters.

After explaining his inspiration for writing the book and briefly covering again the nine types of submissive he talkes about in his first book, he starts explaining the warrior princess submissive. He also includes The Warrior Princess Submissive Test(which you can take here online)to see where you fall on the warrior princess spectrum. After the first four chapters of the book, Makai goes quite in-depth talking about the traits, the motivation, and how she is the hope and salvation of the future of the D/s lifestyle. He briefly mentions this in the book’s introduction:

Finally, the Warrior Princess Submissive is-at least in my humble opinion-quite possibly destined to be the hope and salvation of the D/s lifestyle from an ever increasing wave of attacks by a small cadre of radical feminists and misandrists who seek to equate D/s with misogyny.

and explains in more detail in the last chapter of the book the how to why he considers her to fulfill this role.

After reading the book, I’m still not 100% sure whether or not if I fit into the Warrior Princess Submissive category. But that’s something I’m okay with because reading this book has inspired me to become a stronger slave. I think there will be others out there who feel the way I did after I finished reading, but I hope that they feel inspired as well by this book as I have. I also like to think that this book will inspire other submissive types, those who are new and old that they can be a strong submissive and slay their own dragons while still kneeling at the feet of their owner. This is another great book that I believe every s-type should pick up and read for themselves.

You can buy your own copy of The Warrior Princess Submissive at Amazon in both paperback and ebook forms, Barnes and Noble, Smashwords, and in paperback and signed by Michael Makai directly at his website.

Product Details:

Tequila R’s Rating: 10/10

Paperback: 160 Pages
Publisher: CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform (October 3, 2014)
Languge: English
ISBN-10: 1497461928
ISBN-13: 978-1497461925

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Published on May 12, 2015 07:00

May 11, 2015

Tips for Taking Care of Your BDSM and Sex Toys

From the Submissive Guide Newsletter 1/24/15

Most of us in the BDSM or D/s lifestyle love our toys. Some of us have chests, trunks and even entire rooms dedicated to our tools and toys. I know that KnyghtMare and I have lots of toys and the space they take up keeps growing with each new purchase. Making sure they are clean and well maintained is my job so I’ve learned what I can in their proper care and cleaning. Since toys were designed to bring pleasure and not disease or discomfort, we should learn some basics in the care and cleaning of them. If you follow some simple guidelines you will be able to keep them safe and extend their life expectancy.

Why worry about cleaning toys?

The main reason for keeping sex toys clean is to prevent diseases and infections. Sexual contact, whether with a toy or another person, is how STD’s (Sexually Transmitted Disease) are spread. If disease-producing organisms are present on the toy and used during sex play, the organisms could easily be introduced into the body and spread the disease. Careful cleaning and disinfecting can keep this from happening. Proper cleaning will also extend the life of your toys and make them much more appealing to the eye. Please keep in mind that some toys can not be safely cleaned in order to be used on other people. These toys should be one person only or disposable. We’ll cover which ones in this article.

How do I clean them?

Even the most deadly microbes are pretty easy to kill when they are not inside the human body. Plain old soap and water, accompanied with the scrubbing action of a soft brush, will effectively destroy most microbes. However, with the onset of so many deadly infectious diseases, I recommend using Metrex CaviWipes. CaviCide is a convenient, ready-to-use, intermediate-level surface disinfectant which is effective against TB, HBV, HCV, viruses (hydrophilic and lipophilic), bacteria (including MRSA and VRE) and fungi. The most important factor is removing ALL body fluids and lubricants from the surface of the toy. This can be a relatively simple process for vinyl, rubber, silicone (jelly-rubber) or plastic toys but may be much more difficult for leather, wooden and electric toys.

Don’t forget your furniture! Caviwipes are great for benches, chairs, tables and other equipment that you can’t use soap and water. Many public and private play parties I have attended use either the wipes or the Cavicide Spray in the dungeon area. If an area can’t be cleaned easily like matresses or carpets or cleaning supplies are not readily available, I highly recommend disposable underpads called Chux. Keep some in your toy bag next to your first aid kit. You have one of those, right?

Vinyl, rubber, silicone, glass, metal and plastic:

Wash the toy with a damp cloth and an anti-bacterial soap as soon after use as possible. This will prevent body secretions and lubricants from drying on the surface and making them much harder to remove later.
Once playtime is over, a more careful cleaning should be done. Thoroughly wash the toy in warm water and an anti-bacterial soap. (There are many on the market and most do a very good job.) Use a soft brush and gently wash the surface, paying close attention to all the nooks and crannies. Use special care on silicone or jelly-rubber toys so that you do not nick the surface with your nails or too vigorous of a scrubbing. (Nicks cause these types of toys to tear and you might end up with your favorite toy in pieces. These nicks and cracks also give microbes with a place to hide and grow.)
Carefully dry the toy when cleaning is completed. Most bacteria need a moist place to live and grow and cannot survive on a clean, dry surface. Exposure to the air and light is recommended when possible.
Most vinyl, silicone and glass toys and attachments, without metal parts, can safely be washed in the top shelf of your dishwasher. This method is one of the best ways to sanitize these types of toys.

All insertables should be considered personal toys and not shared if possible. If sharing can not be avoided then use condoms and other barriers and disinfect them immediately.

Check out DangerousLilly’s detailed instructions for insertable and other sex toy care.

Leather:

Special care should be taken with items made of leather. The leather will lose its suppleness quickly and dry and crack if subjected to long periods of exposure to soap and water. Even small amounts of water may discolor some leather finishes.

Wiping the surface of the leather with a cloth damped with anti-bacterial soap and water will remove most traces of blood or body fluids, but not all. It’s nearly impossible to clean soft, unfinished leather such as suede or chamois so special care should be used to prevent them from being soiled with any body fluids.
Air dry leather toys for as long as possible. Exposure to the air will help destroy many harmful microbes. Exposing them to sunlight is also beneficial but be careful not to overdo this and cause the leather to become “weathered”. Using a disinfectant spray, such as Lysol Spray, may be beneficial also, but again, this could cause the leather to stain or discolor.

It is my own personal opinion that leather toys should not be shared. They are much too difficult to clean and disinfect so reserving that expensive flogger for that one special “bottom” is the best option.

Electrical toys:

Remember electricity and water do not mix well, so never submerge any electrical toy in water. This can ruin the motor by causing corrosion and be dangerous the next time you want to use it.

Once the toy is unplugged, wash its surface with a cloth damped with water and a good anti-bacterial soap. Pay close attention to those nooks and crannies. (Removable parts can be cleaned according to the instructions above.)
Carefully dry the surface of the toy and allow it to continue to air dry for as long as possible.
Battery operated toys should never be cleaned or stored with the batteries in them. Clean and store them separately.

Wood (Paddles, canes, etc.)

Wooden toys should be treated much the same as leather ones, unless they have a sealed finish.
If the finish is sealed (lacquered, painted, varnished) it should be washed thoroughly with water and an anti-bacterial soap. Do not soak them in water. This could damage the finish and cause the item to warp.
Dry with a soft cloth and air dry for as long as possible.
Soft buffing with restore the finish and be sure to check the item for splinters and other damage.

Horse hair:

Horse hair can easily break the surface of the skin so careful cleaning is a must. Use a mild soap or shampoo to wash it thoroughly.
Allow the hair to air dry and expose to sunlight when possible.

Metal toys:

Wash metal items like clamps, clips and studs in warm soapy water.
After washing, they may be soaked in alcohol for 20 minutes and then removed and allowed to air dry. Alcohol will kill almost any known microbe within 10 minutes so this should be a very effective way to sanitize most metal toys.
How should I store clean toys?

There are a few things to keep in mind when storing your clean toys. Maintaining their cleanliness is the primary concern and it’s not a difficult thing to do. I doubt that most of us will be too concerned with “long-term” storage.

Make sure the toys are completely dry. Storing damp toys in a closed container, such as Tupperware®, is somewhat like making an incubator for bacteria.
Wrap silicone (jelly type rubber) toys in a piece of soft cloth, like terry cloth, to prevent it from being nicked by other toys.
Make sure all batteries are removed from battery operated toys. Do not store the batteries in the same place as the toys. A leaking battery can do a lot of damage to the toys and to tender flesh if it’s not detected before use.
Any covered container or “bag” that keeps them dust-free will do. A container that breathes is the better choice than an airtight one and a nice leather bag or wooden chest can be an attractive method of storage. (If you have children or frequent visitors, you might consider using one that can be locked.)
Wrap floggers and horse hair whips in a soft clean cloth to prevent tangling and protect the fibers.
Small metal toys, like clamps, can be stored in a small cloth pouch to protect them from damage or loss.
Lubes:
Never use an oil based lubricant on any toy that contains latex. Oil eats latex (a natural rubber product) and will destroy things like condoms, gloves, dams, cots and diaphragms. Most toys will hold up better with a water based lubricant.
Never use silicone-based lube with silicone based toys. Or that’s what I used to think. See the Ultimate Guide to Silicone Sex Toys by DangerousLilly to learn more.
Never use an oil/petroleum-based lubricant on anything that will be inserted into the vagina. This can cause yeast infections and other bacterial problems.
Oil/petroleum-based lubricants include, Vaseline, hand creams, lotions, body oils, baby oil and many creams. Check the list of ingredients on the label for any mention of oil or petroleum products.

The use of Nonoxynol-9, a spermicide common used to lubricate condoms, can possibly reduce your chances of contracting some sexually transmitted diseases. However this has never been proven and should not be depended upon to prevent disease or pregnancy. What You Need to Know about Nonoxynol-9 will teach you more about the common spermicide. Some people are sensitive to this product and develop an irritation from Nonoxynol-9. If this should occur, stop using the product immediately.

Anal sex:
A toy that has been used anally should never be inserted into the vagina. The bacteria that is normal and healthy in the anus in not healthy for the vagina.
Sharing toys between these two areas can cause PID (Pelvic Inflammatory Disease). This is a dangerous and sometimes deadly disease.
A condom can be used on a toy that is going to be used both anally and vaginally or shared with another partner. Change it when changing areas or partners.

Play safe!

These simple tips can keep you and your partner safe and healthy. If you must share your toys, be aware of the risks and use good hygiene. Play safe and make sure the only thing your toys give are pleasure and not a disease.

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Published on May 11, 2015 07:00

May 6, 2015

Ask lunaKM – Quickies on Having a Mistress while Married, Unsure How to Impress Your Dom and Are You Sub?

Dear lunaKM
I am married man in a vanilla relationship – I live and work away from home in another country so I only see my wife at weekends. I have recently started seeing someone during the week who has a dominant side and we have started to explore Mistress/Sub relations – which is something I have wanted to do for a long term.
Is it possible to truly serve my Mistress and still be married?

Yes and no. If all parties involved are aware and consent to the situation then it could work and work well. The beginning of a lot of poly relationships work this way. However, if you plan on doing this in secret of your wife, then no it can’t work. You would be cheating on your wife and couldn’t fully submit to your Mistress because you’d always be in a lie.

I’m a new sub in training. I have a very natural submissive personality so most things I don’t struggle with but right now my Sir (so far it’s just a phone relationship with text, pics, and talking) wants me to impress him and a lot of the time I’m not sure what he means!! When I have researched new things that a sub should know he is impressed but I think he is wanting more physical things now and I really don’t know what to do. In this case I’m allowed to touch myself by I really don’t know how to impress him with what I can do when it’s only over the phone! Please help me understand ways to impress an experienced Dom!! He loves that it’s all new to me and that I’m willing to do anything if that helps :)

If he can’t voice what he’s expecting of you, how are you supposed to guess? You can’t submit in a vacuum. I don’t know either of you and can’t tell you what he means either. Open up the lines of communication and talk to him about the lack of clarity in his request.

Hi, I’m just starting to explore BDSM and I wanted to know, how can I tell if I’m a sub or not? Is there something I should be looking for?

Well, start with what you do know. When you have naughty or kinky thoughts or fun and you’ll know if you’ll at least like to give or receive play. Take for example, a spanking…. do you want to give the spanking or receive it? Maybe both? Then, once you know that, start learning about BDSM through books and the internet. You can talk to people too. Try this article about where to start.

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

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Published on May 06, 2015 07:00

May 5, 2015

Finding Your Tribe-The Importance of the Kink Community

I sign up for a lot of emails. I get four to five daily recipes newsletters as well as several ebooks bargains of the day, daily quotes, and an occasional blog here and there. The other thing I sign up for is called The Daily OM. It’s a daily email newsletter with a message that usually have some rather thought-provoking ideas and some very good inspiration as well. One particular message I got, really struck a chord with me and made me think about the people I surround myself with. It’s titled “Finding Your Tribe” and here’s a passage from that day’s newsletter:

However your life develops after you come together with your tribe, you can be assured that its members will stand at your side. On the surface, your tribe may seem to be nothing more than a loose-knit group of friends and acquaintances to whom you ally yourself. Yet when you look deeper, you will discover that your tribe grounds you and provides you with a sense of community that ultimately fulfills many of your most basic human needs.

I read that and I felt like I had walked right into a brick wall because I could so relate to what was being said. Over the years, I have found out why it’s so important to have a support system in place, especially when you’re kinky.

Almost ten years ago when I started out in the BDSM lifestyle, I was pretty much on my own. I had never heard of munches or any kind of get-togethers. It was just me and the Internet. Which I was only using to find potential partners and not exactly educate myself. But then…I realized there was a lot out there I was missing and how important it was to get involved in the local groups and to have mentors and other s-types that I could talk to about things.

I couldn’t talk to my vanilla girlfriends about my search for a dominant. Well, I could and I did, but they didn’t quite understand how things work in a D/s dynamic. They were giving me dating tips on how to get a man, but Cosmo like tips that sometimes come across sneaky and underhanded. That kind of advice sure as heck wasn’t going to find me a dominant. Also by this time, I was dying for some female friends who would know what I was feeling and the internal struggles and not just look at me like some freak.

I had finally made a female s-type friend and she dragged me to a play party. I was nervous being around all these new people, but so extremely excited as well. I didn’t realize there were so many kinky people close to me! This first trip was a bust because stuffs happened and it left a bad taste in my mouth and I didn’t think I wanted anything more to do with these people. I had got my feelers hurt and got into thinking I didn’t need a community. I was wrong! After I got over my hurt feelers and realized the reason stuff had happened the way they did, I realized these are good people, that they are the kind of people who I needed in my life, that these were people who would help me grow as a submissive and wouldn’t take advantage of me, and who could teach me all kinds of wonderful things. So, I went back, and I’m so happy that I did. For the first time in my life, I felt like I belonged somewhere and had people that understood what I was feeling and going through. It was such a burden off my shoulders to no longer have to struggle alone.

Then….FETLIFE! If I thought the internet was awesome, it got about 20% cooler once I learned about Fetlife. All the different groups, all the amazing discussions, meeting new people and being introduced to new ideas and resources…I felt like I had a golden ticket to the virtual chocolate factory! I loved being able to find the book groups and all the different submissive/slave groups, the groups for littles and brats, and everything else. I felt my community growing world-wide and I was no longer limited to just what I could find locally.

Now, while Facebook isn’t exactly kink central, or all that kink friendly at times, I can’t quite talk about community and not mention it. I am a member of several kink related groups on there and I love being involved. In a way, it’s a little more personal than with Fetlife. I’ve been able to connect with some amazing kink educators and supporters, not to mention some awesome BDSM authors, both fiction and nonfiction, but I have made some amazing kink friends on there as well who have become a part of my support system along with these groups.

I feel like I have rambled, which I am seriously notorious for doing, but my very long-winded point is, community is important. It’s important to have a place, whether it’s a local munch or an online group, to go to and be with like-minded people who do care and support you and want to help you grow as a person, within the lifestyle and your vanilla life. You can’t go this alone. I’ve tried and it doesn’t work. There is a lot of truth to the saying “safety in numbers”, because the more people you consider your tribe, the safer you will be.

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Published on May 05, 2015 07:00

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