Luna Carruthers's Blog, page 64

No Stupid (Sex Toy) Questions: Episode 2 – Butt Stretching

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Question 2:
So I kinda would like to explore bigger toys in my butt, but you hear all these myths. Like, if you go too big you’ll make your butthole so loose you become incontinent and other gross stuff. Is this true?

No.

In fact, just like the vagina, the muscles in the anus are incredibly elastic, and will stretch to accommodate objects much larger than you’d think possible, and then shrink back to their original size. Provided you do it right. You can seriously injure yourself and cause damage if you don’t do it right.

Proof positive of the elasticity of the anus is my practically virgin ass.

Years ago, I was really into butt play. I wore plugs pretty regularly, and for long periods of time. I fucked my ass with dildos while M watched. I bought glass plugs that were at least two inches in diameter and spent an hour or more at night warming up and inserting them. And, of course, M fucked my ass as often as he wanted.

Then I developed Irritable Bowel Syndrome (completely unrelated to my anal play), which makes anal play a little…dirtier than one would like. I mean, we’re not, at all, into scat, so…you know.

These days, me using a plug is super rare. I stick to plugs with a diameter of 1-1.5 inches, and they’ve gotta be silicone. It sometimes takes me 20 minutes or more to insert them, and it requires lots and lots of lube and patience.

And boy, does my anus show it.

Insertion of plugs that are not squishy (and penises, because they aren’t as tapered as most plugs) can be a little painful and take a really long time. Of course, if your feeling pain when you insert something, your butt isn’t ready for it. This doesn’t mean not ever, it just means not right this second. You may even be ready for it in a few minutes, rather than a few months. So I eventually get them in without pain, it just takes awhile.

The muscles of my anus have obviously returned to their original size.

So it’s like this:

The muscle that controls urination also controls defecation. So the muscle that controls contractions in your anus is the same muscle you isolate when you kegel, so just like the vagina, the anus stretches to accommodate large things, and then shrinks back to normal size when the large thing has passed. This is one of the reasons men should kegel, too.

Something about a figure eight, and a muscular sling, and…I don’t know. I took biology and anatomy in 1998. It’s one of those things. I know how it works, but I suck at describing it. I just know that exercising this muscle can prevent issues down the road like rectal incontinence or prolapse.

Here are some folks who did a better job of explaining this than I can:

Incontinence and Overactive Bladder Health Center – WebMD
Are you doing your kegels incorrectly? – by Carlyle Jansen
Motility Disorders of the Pelvic Floor and Rectum – International Foundation for Functional Gastrointestinal Disorders
Rectal Exercises – by Chris Callaway

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Published on January 23, 2015 07:00

Ask lunaKM – Presenting Gifts, Your BDSM Role Test, and First Meeting Safety

Hi luna can you give me the proper way to give a gift to my mistress it is at a public party and she knows what it is.

I think you are over thinking things a bit. Power exchange relationships don’t change every single thing about living or interacting with people. Gift giving, unless she specifies a special way to do it, is the same way you’ve always given gifts. For anything you do, you should always default to what your Dominant wishes of you and if there are no clear rules, and they don’t express any, use common courtesy and respect as your guide.

I don’t remember the name of the website but I took a test online that says I’m submissive. My boyfriend also tested submissive. What does that mean?

Ok, so let me get this straight. Some anonymous test that anyone can make tells you that you both are submissive and you are going to believe it? Were you the type to take the quizzes in Cosmopolitan as truth?

Seriously, walk away from those silly online tests and talk to one another. Ask the important questions about what you two would be interested in trying together. Explore your fantasies and read about things that interest you. Don’t rely on these fake tests to direct your sexual lives. If you do need help in discovering your common interests, you might try a BDSM checklist. Go through it together and learn more about each other that way. It’s far more reliable for real results you can do something with.

For the past few years I’ve realised that I have submissive tendencies. This has come about through ex boyfriends and some light play. At the beginning of the year I began talking to a Dom online and via text messages. We’ve built up a relationship, based on friendship, he knows I am new to it all, he’s been very kind in answering all of my (sometimes ridiculous) questions and now we are ready to meet in a bar and then begin my training. My question to you is around safety and what to expect from our first meeting and if there is anything I can do to prepare for my first session? Whilst we have spoken about it, I would be grateful for a second opinion.

Safety is something I write about a lot. I’d like to direct you to a couple of essays on this site about first meeting safety and expectations. Please use the comments section to continue the conversation and ask your questions. We are a great community!

How Far Should You Go On a First Date?
Ask lunaKM – What should I expect the first meeting?
Submitting in a Long Distance Relationship: The Big Meet
A Safe Call Could Save Your Life

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on January 21, 2015 07:00

How I Prepare for Master’s Visit

For whatever reason it seems that many members of the BDSM community are in long-distance, or temporarily long-distance relationships with our dominants. In some of the online forums I am a part of I regularly see submissives and babygirls freaking out in the days before their dominant arrives for a visit – as I am in the final days before my Master arrives after two months apart, I am experiencing something similar. As I am also in the middle to college mid-terms, applications to grad school, with a job, and an internship, I do NOT have time to have a meltdown, so I made a checklist which I think is pretty universal and may be useful for all of you!

Travel Prep:

Make sure you know what the plan is – where you are meeting your partner, when, who you should expect to be there (if he is arriving with friends of family), and what you need to bring. Arrive on time (In the words of my old coach, “Early is on time, On time is late”). If you are early you have time to be lost in terminals and to locate where you are supposed to be meeting. Be dressed appropriately – look nice! Make sure you have everything that you needed to bring – if you are leaving the train station to have a picnic, do not forget the food! Also, make sure that you know what the plan is for the duration of the visit. If you are intending to stay in the house all weekend, or if you are planning on going on many adventures, it is important that both of you are on the same page so neither is left disappointed.

House Prep:

While my Master is not a ‘neat freak’, I think it is good form to have my home clean and ready for him when he arrives. This shows that I prepared for him and really made an effort even though I am super busy. Plus, showing a little extra responsibility can go a long way with my Master!

Sweep/Vacuum
Change Sheets
Scrub Toilets/Sinks
Clean Shower
Scrub Kitchen Counters
Do Dishes
Beat Rugs
Clean Refrigerator
Mop
Dust

Laundry Prep:

When I am busy, the last thing I want to think about is doing laundry, remembering it is in the wash, putting it on the rack, waiting for it to dry, folding it, but it needs to be done. I need to have clean clothes for a wide range of occasions that will arise when Master is her – date clothes, around the house clothes, workout clothes, sexy costumes, etc. This means that I really need to do ALL my laundry.

Wash Sheets
Air Out Comforter
Wash Bathroom Towels
Wash Kitchen Towels
Wash Clothes

Food Prep:

Personally, Master and I usually grocery shop together – it’s an odd little date we do so I am saving the majority of my grocery shopping for when Master arrives, however, there are things that we are going to need before that. Coffee and a bagel when he gets off the plane, dinner for that night (because grocery shopping is not on the top of my to-do list), a bottle of wine.

For those of you who do not make grocery shopping a date, your Master may not be interested in grocery shopping (if you are not sure, ask!) so have it done in advance. If you Master is arriving to your house, he may be hungry and might appreciate a meal prepared as he comes in the door!

Making something special during your time together is a great idea, but also make sure you are keeping in mind (1) your schedule and (2) what your partner and you like to eat!

Wine/Beer/Liquor
Pasta/Rice/Potatoes
Soup
Vegetables
Fruit
Sandwich Supplies
Dinner Rolls/Bread
Honey/Sugar
Tea/Coffee
Cereal/Oatmeal
Meat
Butter/Oil

Toy Prep:

With your dominant away from you, some of your toys may be getting a little more use than they do when your partner is around, make sure that batteries are fresh, toys are clean, and that they are organized. Your toy bag should not be filled with dirty, stinky, broken toys when your partner arrives! You should be keeping your toys clean as a sanitary measure to begin with, but if you have been slacking, this is a good excuse to jump back on track!

Physical Prep:

Physical prep varies from person to person as there is no one standard of how we should look – here are just some suggestions of things that you may not think of in the mad dash to prepare, but that you may want to! Many of these things, especially if you have them done professionally may help you relax as well.

Wash & Condition Hair
Shave Legs/Armpits/Nether Regions
Eyebrows
Dye Hair
Paint Finger/Toe Nails
Lotion
Make Up

Mental Prep:

Seeing your dominant for the first time in a long time is exciting, and it is easy to let that become an all-consuming train of thought, “Master is coming, Master is coming”. Unfortunately, all of us still have other things that we need to take care of, plus it isn’t healthy to dwell only on that one thought in the week leading up to their arrival. Make sure you are taking care of you – do things that help you relax (reading, dancing, yoga, going to the gym, coloring, etc). Spend time with friends, isolating yourself will only make you stress the time with your partner.

If you are nervous about any aspect of the visit, journal about it and then discuss it with your dominant. If you have not seen each other in a while, there may be some things that are making you nervous ranging from any changes in appearance that have occurred, something that happened last time, a lack of play in the last few months, an overdependence on a toy – talking about it can only help!

Have Fun!

Do not become so overwhelmed with preparations that when you finally see your dominant you fall apart from over-exhaustion and stress. If you space out your tasks and prepare adequately, your dominant visiting should be a pleasant experience, not an added stress! You should be excited to see your partner, make sure you do not lose sight of that in the preparations for their arrival! They are coming to see you to have a good time and because they care about you – remember that!

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on January 20, 2015 07:00

BDSM Basics – How Do I Find Someone to Play With?

It’s the burning question on our lips now isn’t it? Through the earlier posts we’ve learned whether you are kinky, what role or roles we might enjoy and how to stay safe when exploring kink. So it makes sense that you now want to know how to find someone to experiment with and maybe have a relationship with! I’m going to cover this in two segments; those that are looking for playmates and those that are looking for a relationship – the whole package.

No matter what sort of person you are looking for, playing the dating game is difficult. Some of you have dated before or been in relationships where you know this to be the case. It’s a lot of work. Your ideal partner isn’t just going to fall out of the sky! (Although, I really wish it were that easy.) It is an even more difficult task to find someone who is into similar BDSM or D/s activities as you – especially since it’s not something you share openly. It’s hidden and secret. And the people who are looking for you? Don’t know how to find you either.

Casual Playmates

Let’s say you want to explore a playful, perhaps sexual relationship with D/s or BDSM aspects to it. So, you are looking for a casual playmate. These sorts of relationships can be anything from a trusted person within the community that you play with at public parties, or someone that’s a Friend with Benefits and you play in private. It can also be anything that neither of you are looking for long-term right now.

Looking for partners in this situation might be easiest on casual dating sites like AdultFriendFinder. Make sure you remember your safety tips and don’t meet someone somewhere private until you’ve felt safe with them in public and have safecalls, safewords and other safety measures in place. Trust is built over time, and until then you should have emergency lines.

Another avenue for casual play partners is the local and not so local BDSM community. If you are a part of the community you can find people to play with and that the leaders of the community trust or that have a good reputation. A lot of play happens between strangers at a play party, so even if you don’t attend regularly, try to get to the parties to meet people. Regional and National events are also good places to meet people and possibly hook up.

Long Term Relationships

A lot of what I covered with casual relationships can apply to long-term ones too. People looking for lasting, lifetime relationships mingle in the same places as casual players. So don’t forget to go where the people are that have common interests.

In this age of online dating, the large dating sites like eHarmony and Match are also places you can find people with BDSM or D/s interest. It may not be quite so obvious and you will probably have to weed through more people who quite obviously don’t fit into what you are looking for but it is still possible to find someone who you connect with on all levels and make that lifetime commitment.

Since what we do behind closed doors is generally not talked about in casual conversation, don’t be surprised when the man you met at the garage sale or the lady sitting next to you at church that you asked out on a date turns out to have some kinky interest. People interested in BDSM are everywhere. It will probably require you to be a bit more open with people as you date and explore relationships as to what you are looking for but it isn’t an impossible feat. The world is full of people with happy, healthy BDSM and D/s relationships.

What about FetLife?

So you’ve heard about FetLife and want to use it to date. Sure, you can do that if you try hard. It’s not a dating site, but more like Facebook. Yes you can use Facebook as a dating site, but it’s not easy either. There are groups on FetLife for personal ads and hooking up – both for short-term casual flings and long-term relationships.

Keep in mind that since it’s a social network and not a dating site, that cold contact with someone, sending a personal ad style message to people, unsolicited, isn’t going to do anything but get you blocked by many. My suggestion is to join groups for interests you have an participate. Share your thoughts and opinions and then perhaps you can strike up conversations with people that way. Use the personal ads groups for your detailed searching and don’t spam other groups with that information. If you use the tools that are provided you, success can be found.

I wish you luck in your search.

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on January 19, 2015 07:00

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

Hi folks,

Nothing has really happened this week in the KnyghtMare household. I’ve spent much of the week reading the Game of Thrones books. I’m finally in the fifth book and I’m sure I’ll be like much of the rest of RR Martin’s fans and beg him to get the next one out sooner rather than later. KnyghtMare is also trying to read them. His complaint is that they are slow to develop and he’s having issues getting into them since they are so slow. Anyone else read the GOT books? What did you think of them?

Join the growing list of fans that get to hang out with me monthly on Google Hangout!
Monthly Video Posts Return! Thank you for the support. Next Goal: Upgrade the ServersI work hard to write and produce the content and I don’t ask for much in return. This is a small way you can show me that you appreciate my efforts. If you love what Submissive Guide provides, the site has helped you in some way or you just feel that you want to support a positive influence in the BDSM and D/s communities you can now become a patron of Submissive Guide through Patreon.com! For as little as $3 US a month you can show your support and help me reach goals to bring this site into the next level of service and content creation. Check out my page on Patreon.com and become a fan of Submissive Guide!

Now for the week in review:
This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

What Does a Dom Mean When He Says, “You Need Training”
Stop Serving Yourself: An Inspirational Un-Collaring Ceremony by tequilarose
Submissive Chat Night – Free Chat
Flogging: Getting Started by moonlight

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Ask lunaKM Advice Column

The advice column where I try my best to help you with your questions and personal situation challenges.

Ask lunaKM – Do I have to give control of everything to be submissive?

Just have been wondering something lately and I was hoping you could help out. Is it possible to be someone’s submissive if there’s one thing you just cannot give up control over? I am an incredibly picky eater and it’s actually my biggest fear in life to try new foods. I know it’s ridiculous but if I’m forced to try something new it makes it worse. I know I need to work on, just hoping to do it on my own. So can I be my Master’s girl even if I can’t let go about food? I so hope so.

Ask your question, anonymously, to get a chance for me to answer your question on the site.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

In 2014: A Submissive’s New Year’s Resolutions: Goal Setting in a D/s or M/s Dynamic by pinksubgeek
In 2013: Tearing Down the Green-Eyed Monster – Handling Jealousy
In 2012: Submitting Is Not Without Responsibility
In 2011: Charmed Blyss’ Broccoli Soup
In 2010: All Tied Up: Rope Bondage by patricialynn

Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Next Submissive Guide Chat Night

Come make friends and chit-chat. Twice monthly discussions, all are welcome. Chat room is open 24/7 for conversation.

Date: January 20th, 2015

Time: 8PM Central (Not in CST? Find out the time where you are!)
Topic: Free Chat

Join Chat Room Now!

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

Happiness is found when you stop comparing yourself to other people.
What is your best attribute? Is there an attribute that you’d like to improve?
“It is our choices…that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” -J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets
Subscribe to Submissive Journal Prompts to get them as they are released!
Featured Podcast of the Week – KinkyCast
Episode 50 – 40 Years of Kinky Cinema

16 Jan 2015, 3:49pm GMT

→ KinkyCast

Woody and the Beast explore 40 years of kinky films. Starting with the landmark “Deep Throat” in 1972 and going up to the new release of “Fifty Shades of Grey”. We give you an in depth view of who’s behind them and some of the very low to very high budgets. Check it out and see if we found some you missed!

MP3 audio (16MB, 39min)

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Published on January 18, 2015 10:00

Flogging: Getting Started

We sat in a friend’s living room as they showed us their collection of floggers. Each one a little different from the last. Some with more weight in the handle, some with thin tails, and still others were fluffy. This is what my introduction to kinky toys looked like.

Floggers are a very common first stop (or somewhere near the beginning), but they do have a rich history of being used to help take people into trance-states or to bring about a sense of release. At some parties, you may notice people proudly displaying their floggers on their belts or maybe you want to be on the St Andrew’s Cross being flogged sometime in the future. As we are building our toy bags, we put a lot of care into selecting what works for us both in general and in the particular scene we are crafting. We put a lot of care and attention into our favourites and we reap the rewards when we do.

If you are just getting started with a flogger, you will want to take note of a few simple things:

Start by finding out what you and your Dominant want out of this experience. Do you want sensory play? Do you want to go into subspace? Were you hoping for intense play to let go of that stressful week you just had? The different floggers can help you achieve different end results. Once you are able to define what type of play would interest you, you can start to find out which floggers would be the best suited for the job.

1) What is it made of?

You will notice as you shop that the options seem endless. If it is a light and fluffy material, you have found a flogger that is perfect for light play (wonderful if you are new and just exploring this tool. Don’t think of skipping ahead too fast and not trying it out because it makes for an amazing warm up flogger or one to bring you back down after some intense play. The floggers made of heavier material can certainly have a lot of sting or bite when you get the impact just right. Floggers made of thin ropes or cord can have a sting. If that is what gets you going, then that is a fit for you! Some are made of animal hide and can have heavy tails but soft when it is dragged across your skin. There are also a number of vegan floggers, so you can pick what feels right for you. But what if you aren’t so sure what that material will feel like on your body?

2) Test it out on yourself

The first time you “meet” a new tool, test it out on yourself. Give your own hand a little whack and see what it feels like. Part of this lifestyle is consent and it helps when you know what it is you are playing with. You want to get to know the weight and feel for yourself in your own hands before it is used on you. Let it be a fun exploration with an open mind but think through things like risks of playing with this tool. For floggers we want to avoid some areas of the body like the kidneys, so we don’t cause damage, but the squishy parts of ourselves, like the backside, those are usually ones where you can bring it on!

3) Communicate

Your Dominant needs to know what feels good and what doesn’t – and the best way is to politely let them know. Don’t just focus on the bad either. It can get frustrating to hear “Oh that spot really hurt!” without ever hearing “oooohhhhh….that was amazing! I can really relax into it here!” As they say, you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar – so share a little extra of the good stuff. Helping your Dominant find those perfect spots is a gift to both of you! They can take you to those amazing places you want to go together and with practice, you can relax into it without feeling you have to analyze every move.

4) Be present

Use as many senses as possible to really be in the experience. I am very auditory by nature, so a nice steady rhythm is what I need to slip into my subspace. Of course, there can be many ways to touch using the flogger and not just hitting someone with it. In a workshop we attended, we moved the tails of the flogger around our partners body and as we stood behind them, we put the flogger in front of their bodies with the handle in one hand and the tails in the other and pulled them in close to us. I remember my brain feeling like it had fireworks going off because I had never considered how many ways it could be used. Do your floggers have a particular smell to them? For me, it helps if I close my eyes for this one, but you can really get to know which floggers are being used after a while with your nose and a little practice. Maybe you are a visual person – you could see if being in front of a mirror would help you get deeper into the experience. What if you could see your Dominant concentrating on you as they wield this tool across your body? If there is no mirror available to you, setting up a lamp in the right spot so you could see a shadow may also work so you can see the movement and patterns your Dominant is making with the flogger. Engage your senses and be in the moment with your Dominant. Remember that this tool (like the others) is an extension of their body.

There you have it! Getting started with a flogger is about having fun and that is what I want it to bring you! Let your exploration be a delight to your senses and to you.

What made you want to add a flogger to your toy bag? What are you hoping for in adding flogging to your play?

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on January 16, 2015 07:00

Submissive Chat Night – Free Chat

It’s time again for another chat night here at Submissive Guide. I’d welcome everyone to come on in Tuesday night for a bit of conversation. The topic is going to be free chat. Anything and everything can be discussed. Please come with questions or a curiosity about Dominant/submissive relationships.

Info

When: 01/20/15 8 PM CST – 9:30 PM CST (Not in CST? Find out the time where you are!)

Where: Chat room on the website, or use an IRC Client

Topic: Free chat

HOW TO GET TO THE CHAT ROOM

The chat room is attached to this site under the link at the top, or you can click this link here. It will ask for your nickname and then automatically connect you to the chat room. It is open all the time, so if you want to meet some people, hang out in there. I try to be there when I’m at my computer too.

If you use an IRC desktop client you can connect to the server directly. Here is the information you need to find the room:

Server: irc.kink-network.com

Port: 6667

Channel: #submissive-guide

Questions? Let me know. Otherwise I hope to see a lot of you there on Tuesday!

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on January 15, 2015 07:00

Ask lunaKM – Do I have to give control of everything to be submissive?

Hello Luna,

Just have been wondering something lately and I was hoping you could help out. Is it possible to be someone’s submissive if there’s one thing you just cannot give up control over? I am an incredibly picky eater and it’s actually my biggest fear in life to try new foods. I know it’s ridiculous but if I’m forced to try something new it makes it worse. I know I need to work on, just hoping to do it on my own. So can I be my Master’s girl even if I can’t let go about food? I so hope so.

It can be a scary thing entering into a D/s relationship when you don’t know how much control they are going to expect or if you’ll be able to keep some things that you prefer just the way they are. The beauty of a power exchange relationship, and any relationship in fact, is that you get to know someone, what they expect and desire from a partner and hopefully you have similar expectations and desires. Then unlike many mainstream relationships you’ll have a period of negotiations.

Negotiations are were you will lay out what you want and need as far as the relationship. You will present them with your limits and your known triggers and they will do the same for you. This is the perfect opportunity for you to say that you don’t want your food choices under their control. You can be as detailed or broad sweeping with this limit as you’d like. If he agrees to your terms then you don’t have to worry about them messing with your food choices. If he doesn’t agree, then he’d better have a good, convincing reason and you would have to agree to it to continue the negotiations.

I hope this helps you. Submissives can have limits and have them respected. It’s not an all or nothing sort of relationship for many people. Just make sure you find someone who will respect your limits and you will find happiness.

Do you have a question or would like to get some advice? All questions are anonymous. Ask lunaKM!

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on January 14, 2015 07:00

Stop Serving Yourself: An Inspirational Un-Collaring Ceremony

A few months ago, I came across writing on Kinky and Popular called “An Uncollaring Ceremony”. The title caught my eye so I clicked, and I am so happy I did because this writing resonated something inside of me and caused me to think of my submission. It made me think about walls that we, as submissives and slaves, and I’m willing to venture that this even applies to the big letter folks, the walls that we put up to protect ourselves and how those walls keep us from reaching our full potential in the lifestyle.

Before I go any further let me give you a brief summary of her writing(I’m asking though if you can, check out the full article because I know my summary does not do it the justice it deserves).

A young woman, jenn, finds herself lost and damaged after leaving a polyamorous D/s relationship. During the relationship, she found herself caught up in meeting the needs of her partners, that her needs and wants didn’t matter to her, believing she didn’t have any needs.

After some time and with some help from her future sir and others, she was able to transform and learn how to take care of herself, how to stand up for herself. During this time, she collared herself as a symbol of dedication and devotion to her personal transformation, to remind herself to love and take care of herself.

The relationship between her sir continued to grow and later in their relationship, she found herself struggling with being an obedient slave, and the entire relationship was rocky and neither one could figure out why. Despite her desire, her craving to be obedient, she couldn’t figure out the why.

After she attended a presentation on spiritual M/s, when another attendee made a comment about how she had served herself and community since she didn’t have a master and the lightbulb goes off for jenn. She realizes that even though she has a master, she has still been serving herself and with serving herself, she can’t fully submit and turn herself over to her master. This is what had kept her from fully submitting herself to her master. Once she was home, she removed the collar that she had used for herself and realized that she is safe in her master’s arms.

I actually found myself crying while reading this because there are times where I still feel like jenn had, that I’m still serving myself in some form. This kills me thinking like this. There are so many times where I find myself wanting to be an obedient slave to Daddy, but there’s something at times going on in my head telling Daddy to go fuck Himself, that He doesn’t care, that other things are more important than me. While my head is having this conversation my heart is telling my head that it is full of bullshit, that I know there is nothing out there more important to Daddy than me and then starts listing all the examples and reasons about why my head is full of shit. I think the reasons why I have this particular conversation more times than I really fucking care to admit is because I feel like I need to protect myself. That I need to keep myself from getting hurt because so many people who I have counted on in the past have hurt me, and even gone as far as to leave me when I needed them most. Even after everything Daddy and I have been through, there is still a part of me that’s scared He will be one of those people. So, there’s a wall there, that’s keeping me from being the slave I want to be.

Recently, I had a moment. And it was a glorious moment! And, I am not being sarcastic here either. There’s been a part of my past that’s really, really, been haunting me. Haunting me so much I wanted to go find a rock to hide underneath, even though I had no reason to go hide. I saw something and with seeing that something, the gears inside my head started to click and my thinking about this thing that’s been haunting me(sorry guys, I can’t name specifics here. I’m not being vague because I want to be an asshole!), was seen in a different light and then no longer haunting. I literally felt like jenn had, I realized that this thing from my past that I have carried around for close to three years now, it’s no longer there, I have finally put it down and walked away.

We all have something that holds us back. It may not be something that’s there all the time, but stuff comes up and it can and will hold us back, make us feel like we need to put up walls to feel safe because we believe no one else can make us feel safe but us. When we find ourselves getting into this state of mind, we need to take a lesson from jenn and uncollar ourselves from whatever is going on and put our focus on what matters the most.

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

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Published on January 13, 2015 07:00

What Does a Dom Mean When He Says, “You Need Training”

from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 10/03/14

When I was a novice (way back when) I heard about training a lot from the online conversations I held and the forum threads I participated in. In all the discussions I read, there was only one thing that was a common thread and that is that everyone had different interpretations of what training was, what it entailed and how to go about it. So if there is so much discrepancy in understanding, when a Dominant tells you that you need training, what does he really mean?

Treat all approaches from someone who says you need training with caution. If you don’t know what training is for you or how it could be a part of your submissive experience then I would strongly suggest you not enter into anything a Dominant would call training until you know what it is. D/s is such a unique and personal dynamic there are so many people who don’t believe training even exists. Those that do have other ideas of what training is and I’ll cover some of those further down in this article. But, let’s weed out what I consider the false ideas of training.

Let’s start with the get in your pants sort of Dominant. These people are usually online only or your first encounters are online. They will volunteer to train you in the ways of being submissive and then go on to suggest a bunch of sex based “tasks” that will possibly get you to learn what a submissive is and earn something from them. No one has yet shared with me how masturbating over webcam can teach you how to be submissive though, so consider these tasks well. Your reward could be a collar, albeit short-lived, a visit or for them to disappear altogether because you are no longer a challenge. Yes, this is cruel, but it does happen. There is such a huge variety of people online that you will find people who just want a sexual thrill and will use naïve submissives that don’t know what training is to please their sexual urges. Once you’ve done that, they are off on a new adventure.

I’m really hoping that I can help some of you out there not get into these situations where you will be lead to believe this person is teaching you how to be submissive and that everything you do for those Dominants is just to feed a sexual urge. That is unless that’s what you want to do too. If you are looking for kinky playtime and nothing else, then these Dominants are the type to give it to you.

But if you are honestly looking for a relationship and are doing the majority of your searches online, you will encounter this phrase more often than anywhere else and it means something different each and every time.

What is training?

Training is the idea that you have to learn about your submission and the service the Dominant expects from you. It does involve effort for both parties and it can be intense, some of it can occur at scheduled intervals and some of it can also happen in sessions. But most of the training is simply learning about each other just as any other relationship would develop.

Take, for example, you just started a relationship, what things would you like to know about your partner? What about favorite foods, how to fix their favorite beverage, what they expect as far as division of housework and parenting (now or in the future)? Now, as anyone who’s read about D/s relationships can tell you, communication and transparency happen a lot more regularly than in other relationship styles. So, instead of just learning about your partner in a casual, less obvious way, D/s relationships will often have conversations about these expectations and preferences. You may even have sessions where you practice the behaviors expected of you. Or you may not.

In a casual setting, learning how a Dominant likes to play, what they prefer as responses during play and your behavior for sessions is considered training. People going through training in these settings can learn positions, mannerisms, specific phrases or body positions that make play more intense and erotic for either or both parties. In books and other media this is often the epitome of training that novices see as the only form of training. It’s hot, it’s erotic and it’s sexy.

There is nothing wrong with this expectation of training. I admit it is quite fun to be drilled and schooled in submissive positions or learning that during a spanking I’m not allowed to struggle or move. It can even be hot to learn how to orgasm on command. Back to the example of the online Dominant, these sexy times training are the main course in his repertoire of training.

But that’s not all there is to training.

Why you need to talk about training before beginning a relationship

One person’s idea of training is not going to be another’s idea. So, if you’ve agreed to some training as one person’s submissive, expect that your next relationship may not use any of that training. You’ll have to start all over again. That’s not all bad, you know. Every relationship you will learn new things, you adjust to another person and a different style of relationship. But this does mean one very important point. You can not learn to be a submissive from one person, you can only learn how to be their submissive.

In your conversations about training with a perspective Dominant, make sure you get clear explanations of what would be expected of you as far as learning, behavior and activities. If they use the word training (some Dominants don’t), find out what they mean by that. Some Dominants feel that they need to send you to someone else for training in something. Are you okay with that? Other Dominants are very possessive and will train you themselves. Let me remind you that training could mean something very specific, it could be sexual or kinky or it could simply be working at Starbucks so that you can learn how to make a good cup of espresso at home.

Learn How to Be Submissive?

If you really want to learn to be a submissive, learn about yourself. Part of what I emphasize with Submissive Guide is that you learn who you are as a submissive, that you understand what you want and need for a relationship to fulfill you and that you search for the Dominant that will make all that happen without compromising your dreams. Training with someone can not get that for you if you aren’t willing to work on yourself first.

In closing, before you agree that you need training by some Dominant you just met, understand what training is to you and make sure you both are on the same page. Remember, happiness in a relationship comes from mutual shared dreams and joys. This includes your ideas of training. Make sure they match!

Thoughts to Ponder
What is your opinion about training? Is it something that you desire of have in a relationship?
Have you ever encountered a Dominant who said you needed training? What came out of that encounter?
Why is it important to agree what training involves before you get into a relationship?

Interesting Links

BDSM Training – Methodology and Techniques
B.E.S.T. Slave Training Guide
Submissive Conditioning, Training and Development
Related Posts:
Answered: Your Burning Questions About What Is Expected Of You As a Submissive
Know Thyself, Don’t Rush Into a Relationship Until You Know These Six Things
Why I Could Never Return to a Vanilla Relationship
Ask lunaKM – Compatibility, Safewords when Deaf and Power Play Preferences
Developing Effective Communication in Long Distance Relationships

Copyright 2008-2013 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

View more on Luna Carruthers's website »

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Published on January 12, 2015 07:00