Pat Hatt's Blog, page 160

Screw The Mail By The Bale!

Sorry Rosey for the mail screwing. It just goes so well with this viewing. The cat had to do it. Yeah, he's really not sorry one little bit. So in came the junk and I will teach that bunk.


There was a knock on the door.Cassie heard its awful roar.She did not like that.She's not a polite cat.

She ran away.Not wanting to play.Those ears pinned  back.Attitude she doesn't lack.

I dropped my toy,Looking to see what did annoy.I only run when I see them.I may also spit a little phlegm.

Cassie got blinded.I think she minded.Then the door shut.Thankfully there was no sniff of a butt.

Cassie still hid, ready to run.She thought the knocking was no fun.But could get bird TV.They aren't so scary.

I went lower to the ground.See, I can't be found.I fit right in.The cat for the win.

Cassie went old mother Hubbard.She hid in the top cupboard.I thought it was a good spot.I liked it a whole lot.

So I kicked her out.She didn't pout.Maybe whacked me a bit.But I can take it.

It was a hard day.Cassie says so anyway.All that running and hiding about,Can sure wear a cat out.
 
And what was the knock?Can't get it from my title talk?It was just the mail.I ripped it open without fail.
The mail makes a good napping spot. I still prefer a cot. But maybe rub my butt on the junk mail and hit return to sender on the mail trail. That would sure be fun. Maybe it will be done. I did not get as bored as Cass. It was too much fun for my little rhyming ass.

Experience spring, have a fling.

Look At This Trend To See The End!

The cat is off to another strange place as we travel about at a steady pace. More like once or twice a year, but regular is relative here. So off to no man's land we go. No cats either are there as far as I know.


Varosha, a big town as you can see,Or at least big buildings for thee.There the water is true blue,And not a person will bother you.
There are no cleaners,No movie screeners,No traffic in the way,And no jaywalkers at play.

No crime or cops.No handy bus stops.Not even a Dr. will show.So don't stub your toe.

And why is this you ask?It was thanks to a 1974 invasion task.Everyone fled rather then end up dead,Or some other kind of dread.

And no one has ever gone back.For 40 years there has been no flack.No nothing to bother you.You could live by water so blue.

You could have your own hotel.Warning, it may smell.Might have to get your own boat,Maybe have to ride a camel or goat,

But it will all be yours.You could even set up tours.The buildings may fall on your head.You may also end up dead.

At least you and the birds,Could have a few words.I'm sure there are bugs to.They'd be good protein for you.
I mean you'd have to eat.Bugs for a treat.Maybe some fishing.So are you sitting there wishing?
Ready to go to Varosha and live?Everything leaks like a sieve.At least it is warm.Good luck weathering any storm.
If you ever wanted to see what the end of the world would look like, go for a Varosha hike. Been over 40 years since anything was done there. Ready to own your very own rotting Varosha lair? Hey, the water is so blue. That has to impress you. If you have a sat phone and can get a dial tone, let the cat know how things go. I think on Varosha I will take a pass. There would be too much to clean for my little rhyming ass.
Experience spring, have a fling.

200,000+ Words Today With 25, Yep, 25 On Display!!!!!!!!!!!

So the secret project the cat mentioned a while back, when you all picked the covers at my shack, is now officially done. It does not have a rhyming run. But it still has Cassie and I and Pat, or at least some version on where we are at. 200,000+ words and 25 books came due as we add to the pile at our zoo.

What would happen if a shit-sicle fell from the sky? Well for Pat, life changes and a colorful cast of characters surround him as he continues to strive to do nothing. I mean write, but that is doing nothing. From hairless armpits to what would happen if water and clumping kitty litter was thrown on a pervs dick all come into play. Did I mention there is a mystery at play?
All of the above and so much more as 25 episodes of Imagine That are released today at our shore!

Warning The Following May Offend Some Humans. Human Discretion Is Advised.
Find It Here Pat is on his way to work when a traffic jam slows things down. He spots two humans arguing and gets out of the car. His best, or worst, mistake ever. Life is totally changed upon meeting Crazy Eye, The Ex Mountie and other colorful characters. By the end of the day Pat will know shit truly happens.

Find It Here  Pat is shocked by Crazy Eye and now can't shut up. He has to explain everything in detail. Pat also can't remember the night before. To make matters worse The American has moved into his building and The Researcher reveals they made a deal when he was drunk. A deal that could be nine months in the making.

Find It Here  Pat is just learning to deal with Crazy Eye owning his apartment building, The American living above him and The Researcher becoming a part of his life, when The Repeater moves in next door. She can't sing and he can't shut her up. Will his bet with The American do the trick?

Find It HerePat and The Researcher have their first date. Things don't go as planned when they suspect the waiter of wanting to go postal on the place. Meanwhile The American and Crazy Eye are determined to save the day.
Find It HerePat has to go to the dentist twice in one day. Dr. Fluoride won't take no for an answer when it comes to his fluoride. The more Pat protests the angrier he gets. But could Dr. Fluoride be holding onto a secret that Pat will expose?
 Find It Here Crazy Eye hires building contractors to renovate Pat and The Researcher's apartment. Pat is not impressed with Large Arms and Handy Stripper upon seeing them. He soon find out his assumption was right and by the end of the day he'll have to burn his bed.
Find It HerePat takes The Researcher home to meet the family. Profanity Granny does not think much of him keeping her secret. Pat and The Researcher have to deal with plenty while The American learns he truly has a gift, which gets him dubbed, The Baby Maker.
Find It Here  After losing their instructor Pat gets roped into teaching yoga to a class of pregnant women. The American and Crazy Eye enjoy the show from afar and not so far as Pat fakes his way through it. Everyone soon learns why you never do yoga in public.
 Find It Here Crazy Eye gets his very own photo shoot where he is forced to dress like a pirate and cover his crazy eye. The Researcher has trouble at the grocery store. Pat ends up making two drunks think he is a figment of their imagination. And The American has a run in with Dr. Doitall while trying to buy a gun.
Find It Here  Pat, The Researcher, Crazy Eye and The American all get locked in an electronics store. There is only one huge TV left and Crazy Eye wants it. TV Guy won't let it go. The tensions rise as they all remain stuck and pissy toilet water even comes into play.
Find It Here  The American and Pat become lifeguards at Sports Plaza. After a bet with Crazy Eye, The American is hell bent on getting laid. Pat is surprised to see The Researcher and The American has his first meeting with Rule Nazi. Hairless armpits and pimple filled backs are also in play.
 Find It HereLarge Arms comes back with an army of bible thumpers declaring Pat the devil. Actual thumping takes place within the walls of the apartment building driving everyone nuts. The American takes up his first day of working for free. 
Find It Here  Pat finally has a plan ready to break into Future Presents and find out what is going on in there. Upon breaking in he finds The Researcher being kidnapped. After a well meaning attempt both are thrown in back a van. Together with The American and Crazy Eye they have to trample through the Canadian wilderness with the kidnappers hot on their trail.
Find It Here Pat, The Researcher, Crazy Eye and The American are trying to stay one step ahead of everyone. The kidnappers are still after them, a pair of hillbillies both named Banjo want them dead and Mexican drug runners are also in play. It shapes up to be a stand off like no other as they keep their pellet guns at the ready.
Find It Here  Pat is told by everyone that a big storm is coming. He and The Researcher go to Costco to stalk up and things don't go as planned. Crazy Eye tightens up things at the apartment building. While Rule Nazi experiments with making The American more docile, handcuffs are involved.
Find It Here   A gene scanner has been stolen at the Future Presents Christmas party and now no one can leave. Pat picks out the culprit by using his that guy theory. But Crazy Eye gets the blame. At first no one believes him but as the night drags on and Screw Up starts acting peculiar, Pat's theory may be dead on.

Find It Here  Crazy Eye found a new tenant and she loves birds. Pat finds that out when her escaped crow smashes into his window. But not only does Bird Lady love her birds, she also loves Crazy Eye and they are getting married right away. Both The Researcher and Pat know something is fishy while The American is too consumed with Rule Nazi to notice.
Find It Here  Pat drops a check that Crazy Eye had given him for saving his life. Vegan Lady is the one to find it. She pretends she did not see the amount and then things get frisky. Pat's meat also gets thrown out. After such advances Pat has no choice but to call in The Researcher for back up.
Find It Here  The Researcher has a seminar to attend and Pat gets dragged along with her. Crazy Eye and The American are already seated when they arrive. Nose Hair begins his presentation and Pat finds him the most stupid guru ever. He, The Researcher and Crazy Eye soon learn why.
Find It Here The Researcher gets promoted for all her hard work. At first she thinks it is a great idea, but between dealing with whiny employees, The Director and The General's advances, and not being able to work on her research into curing stupid, she soon learns the promotion was not a good idea.
Find It Here  Crazy Eye accepts a con man as a tenant only to try and pull a con on him. Pat doesn't think Crazy Eye has it in him, but with a little help from The Researcher, Crazy Eye thinks he can pull it off.
Find It Here  Pat takes The American to Dr. Tryitall to see about his back pimples. After a day of treatment The American starts to notice changes. Something is happening. The Researcher and Crazy Eye are their for the grand finale. Upon his actual diagnosis The American becomes a YouTube star.
Find It Here  Pat takes The Researcher gambling for the first time while they wait to see a kiddie band. Pat is less than thrilled but Crazy Eye and The Researcher seem to have something planned. The American tries to get his own groupies while Profanity Granny shows up to let Pat know what a little shit he is.
Find It Here  After one car was stripped and another thrown away due to The American's pollution, Pat finally decides to break down and buy a car. Pat, being cheap, goes to a less than reputable car lot. The four soon learn that Big Dick and Perky Seller are not what they seem.
Find It Here  Pat finally corners Crazy Eye and tries to force information out of him on how he knows the things he does. But before Pat could save him Crazy Eye is kidnapped and taken to Future Presents. Now it is up to Pat and The American to save him and maybe The Researcher as well.
And finally that big project is done. At least season one. Took a few months to get 25 episodes to come due. But it was fun through and through. Some stuff in there about Pat as well. He sure wasn't afraid to tell. Or maybe that was me as it was all written by the cat at our sea. Supposedly anyway. So what do you think at my bay? Ready for 25 episodes to come due? Think that is more than a few? Yep, they are actual episodes of stuff. Sometimes hillbillies pop out and get rough. The Banjos are mean. They make quite the scene. 200,000+ words and 25 books have now come to pass. I think I am going to go rest my little rhyming ass.
Experience spring, have a fling.

This Candy Doesn't Sound Dandy!

Did you know that there is some strange candy out there? You humans are nuts at your lair. Nerds and gummi bears and tootsie rolls, oh my. But they aren't the weird ones they want you to try.

It's Big Nuts!
Add pounds to butts.
Give the bar a whirl.
Nuts for a boy and girl.

It's Crackheads!
No need for meds.
Just have some chocolate cover espresso.
Warning, might make you mess umm go.

Wiener Nougats R Us!
They are all the fuss.
Grab a wiener and dig in.
Mix with spotted dick for the win.

Cream Collon is here.
Mmmm have no fear.
Just give it a lick.
Might do the trick.

Ayds are ready!
Eat them steady.
Keep the Dr. away,
With Ayds each day.

Haribo Creamy Dreams!
Fed to baseball teams.
Wait! I can get you some for free.
Let me hawk up a hairball for thee.

Crunky just for you?
A funky monkey coming due?
You still might get chunky,
Chowing down on old crunky.

Asse is just for you.
Yep, really it is true.
Something may have got lost in translation.
Don't Asse bars bring you elation?

A Nut Milk bar!
You will go far.
That nutty milk goodness is great.
Want to add one to your plate?

And finally one for you,
That you can feed to the crew.
They come in fancy trucks.
Have some Starburst Sucks!

Ready to suck on a starburst? Are you left wondering which is the worst? Who names these things anyway? Does anyone want to be reminded of a butt when they eat at their bay? They would all give the cat gas. So I will avoid them with my little rhyming ass.

Experience spring, have a fling.

A Little Ditty On Pity!

The cat has seen a few here and there, as I'm sure you have at your lair. Those that whine and whine some more, trying to extort pity at their shore. Once in a while many humans have a pity party come due, but not every other day like some with a loose screw.

Poor pitiful me.
I have no glee.
Won't you come see?
Listen to poor pitiful me.

Life is hard.
I'm a whiny bard.
So listen to me,
I'm as pitiful as can be.

Give me your pity,
Town or city.
Forget your weary, tired and sick,
I'm all of those brick by brick.

So pity me all.
Pity my phone call.
Pity this and that.
I'll even take pity from a cat.

I whine away life.
Pity my strife.
Pity my being.
Is that pity I'm seeing?

Pffft shut the hell up.
Worse than a pup.
Whining about the same old crap,
With their pity me lap.

Only so much one can take,
Before telling them to bake a cake.
Then shove that cake up their rear.
But they still bend your ear.

Poor pitiful me.
I've been forsaken by thee.
Poor, poor pitiful me.
I'll drown in the sea.

Good! Drown you should.
Have me wishing you would.
My ears would have peace.
Maybe just ship you to Greece.

There you can whine Greek.
Maybe whiners they seek.
Poor pitiful me,
I just sat and listened to thee.

Pfffft the cat has no time for such crap. All kinds of bad things across the map. Once in a blue moon, okay. But not every other day. A whiner at a certain, rhymes with perk, place sure could whine at a steady pace. My ears are happy never again to hear that lass. So much better for my little rhyming ass.

Experience spring, have a fling.

Flipping You Off Today Here At My Bay!

Did you just see what I did there? Did it really make you stare? I just gave you the finger. I even let it linger. You should be so insulted at your sea. You should really give it back to me.

It was such a claim.
The finger came.
Up it went.
Go get bent.

Wait! I got a finger?
It did linger.
But still it was a finger for me?
Oh no! A finger I see.

That is such a threat.
I am now a upset pet.
The finger I caught.
That hurt a whole lot.

It was like a poke to the eye.
A kick below to a guy.
A whack with a bat.
Getting pissed on by a cat.

Wait! What?
Nope, not even a cut.
So what's bad about the finger I got?
Beats this rhyming nut.

Should I be insulted by its mole?
Maybe you like a small flag pole?
I've got a few fingers too.
Can yours go moo?

Why is that insulting anyway?
Oh no! A finger is on display.
Whoopdi friggin doo.
Humans need to get a clue.

Why not give the ass cheek?
That may insult many who peek.
Or take off your shoe and give the toe.
Give everyone a toe jam show.

Pick your nose and flick,
Or give it a good lick.
That can insult too.
Give them the hairy back at your zoo.

But a finger, oh no!
That is so insulting at my show.
I can't take it anymore.
Your finger can really bore.

Doesn't it seem as pointless as can be to be insulted by a finger at your sea? It's like being insulted by an eyeball looking at you. A finger is sure nothing new. Maybe insult someone with no fingers at all by giving them a finger call. But how is a finger crass? Beats my little rhyming ass.

Experience spring, have a fling.

Come And Express, More Or Less!

The cat saw a phrase the other day that was too good to pass up at my bay. So I figured what the hell, as it sure wasn't a tough sell. Now away we go with an artistic show.

Get ready for Artistic Expression,
With today's rhyming session.
Hold the aggression.
Unless furthering artistic progression.

Does it make an impression?
Is there a succession?
Even with a little indiscretion,
It sure is artistic expression.

Crap on a stick.
That's just ick.
But it has a story.
Oh, artistic expression glory.

Headless mannequins at play.
Pffft just plastic on display.
What? They are set up just right?
Oh, artistic expression is in sight.

Naked people dance around.
On any nude beach that can be found.
But wait, they dance in sync.
Artistic expression is the missing link.

Hairball on the floor,
Splatted right up the door.
Wow, that is true art.
Artistic expression thrown up from the heart.

A redneck lawnmower.
Can't sink much lower,
i.e. It's a goat.
Artistic expression of note.

A book balancing on a head,
While standing on a bed.
Damn, that is skill as well.
Artistic expression is swell.

Such a great profession.
There is no depression.
Forget any recession.
Get rich with each possession.

It is your obsession.
Show that oppression.
Time for a digression.
That to is artistic expression. 

Damn, art can take many a form. How is such an expression not the norm? It just fathoms the cat. Wait! A human thing, forget that. You are crazy as can be with your artistic expression spree. Anything short of chopping off someones head can be placed in the artistic expression bed. So I express with this pass artistic expression can kiss my little rhyming ass.

Experience spring, have a fling.

Pffft It Away, Come What May!

Pffffft is fun to say.Makes all go away.So Pffffft it up today,Come what may!
A bad review.Wait, there's two.Don't be blue,A Pfffft will do.
Some writer's block.Don't sit and gawk.Go for a walk.Pfffft to undo brain lock.
Writing going slow?The word count won't grow?Created one new row?Pffft and away you go.
Pffft with me.Pffft with glee.Pffft just be.Let the Pffft fly free.
Got a Twitter hater.Maybe some gator?Just a lie and waiter?Pfffft them into a crater.
Kids in the way?Dog want to play?Cat having its say?Pffft and enjoy the day.
A bit behind.Out of your mind?In a bind?Pffft to the grind.
Low on dough?Not in the know?Stub your toe?Let the Pfffft flow.
Pfffft insecurity away.Have a nice day.Pffft the small stuff.Don't huff and puff.

Now my pffffting is through. Did I get through to you? Have some pffffting you need to do? Yeah I lost a screw. But that left a long time ago. So pfffft high and low. So just Pfffft to all the sass like my pfffft-ing little rhyming ass.Experience spring, have a fling.

The Best Of The Rest!

The cat knows he is the best, until he is not. Pffft to the rest they must suffer from brain rot. The cat is great, the cat is grand. A cocky trait the cat has in his land. But not just the cat. Many a human has such a stat.

The best of the best.
Nothing can compete.
Passing every test.
Leaving all in defeat.

My car is top notch.
It has such swag.
A horse hurts your crotch.
Plus it is a nag.

My movie is the best.
You can't not see it.
Forget the plot and the rest,
It stars Brad Pitt.

My house is just great.
It is the biggest of all.
Don't give me hate,
Because I have a huge hall.

My money is so big.
You can't touch me.
Snap your account like a twig,
And end little old thee.

My views are the best.
You don't even compare.
Whether east or west,
I am something so rare.

I have the best hair style.
You can't touch it.
I'll put you on trial,
If you copy it a little bit.

My underwear is top notch.
Then won't ride up the butt.
Plus easy on the crotch.
They were worn by King Tut.

My blog is the best.
Come now and follow.
I'll be a whiny pest,
But my followback isn't hollow.

The best of the best.
It is clearly true.
Until something new is the best
Then that true comes due.

Wow, the best changes a lot. The best can just rot. The best is the best until it is not. The best can always go to pot. So are you the best? The best of the rest? Maybe you humans jest about the best to get it off your chest so you can be a pest? I'm through with my best sass from my best of all little rhyming ass.

Experience spring, have a fling.

A Dragon Star At Our Sand Bar?

It seems Alex, aka the ninja wannabe, is after me. Maybe that litter smell won't come off mini him? That has to be kind of grim. The cat will just eat his ninja wannabe belt. Wait! Bad idea, my eyes may melt. Maybe just pelt him with cat hair. What am I going on about at my lair?


He came in the rain,To begin our ear pain.That mini ninja wannabe guy.I gave him the stink eye.

See? The ears are hurt at my sea.Damn that screechy mini ninja wannabe.He can't sing in tune.Worse than that chipmunk cartoon.

He tried to steal my paper.That was the end of his caper.We had to end his trespassing. My first thought was off gassing.

As you can see,That didn't work for me.I was all gassed out,And still he did shout.

We tried a nap,Figuring we'd ignore the chap.But he played and played.His chipmunk voice wouldn't fade.

I tried to strangle him with a cord or two.But that did not do.He slipped away.Paper can do that, okay.

Even on the ass of Pat,He kept bothering the cat.Not even Pat's gas scared him away.Think he likes stink at his bay?

He surely must.In cat ass could he trust?Seems a fetish has been revealed today.Yep, he continued to play.

So Cassie and her but sniffing pal,She sure is a butt sniffing gal, Tricked him into a trap.Now I can finally take a nap.

There she stands guard,Until we can throw him out in the yard.Once more trapped below,That place where we go.
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What did the cat do to you ninja wannabe? Why did you send mini you after me? Are you planning an attack? The cat won't take flack. Especially to the ears. I see why you get all the cheers. Mini me has a voice in which not even a troll would rejoice. Hmmm, he was singing about a book. But we already got that at our nook. Be careful when you trespass because you may end up in the litter box of my little rhyming ass.

Experience spring, have a fling.