Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 19

House renovation to infinity

Forum: Anger, Frustration & ADHD

Hello;

My fiance was diagnosed Adhd last year.   We have been together 8 years and live apart.  His house is an unfinished mess for the past 12 years.   I   have lost all hope of him ever completing the renovation on his house.   We called off our wedding 2 years ago so he could focus on his health and medication.  I love him but am thinking my mental health cannot take this relationship anymore.   I have suggested he go for therapy to get help on how to tackle his house but he refuses. I don't know what to say or do anymore.

Makes me feel alive

Forum: Progress You are Making and Hope

Another connection and realization.  

In therapy, anger is a topic I'm exploring.

 Along with that, triggers. But there's more to it than just ADHD. Not everything is ADHD but it can be related...correlations. In my mind, everything is inter-connected if you look closely enough.

As I was looking at new motorcycles to buy, ( been years now )....I asked a friend who rides for an opinion. We were talking about horse power, torque and all kinds of motorcycle stuff which led me to tell a story about a coworker and friend I use to ride with...Here's my story ( unedited ).

"My co-worker owned a K100 for years ( I ended up buying it )...
and he bought a brand new K1200 as an upgrade.
He proceeded to over throttle on a man hole cover on a corner and high sided into the pavement.  Really fucked up his shoulder ...one that was already injured from being shot in Vietnam. 
Then, he was down in the mountains in Northern California....and launched himself ( both wheels off the ground ) on a uneven piece of road and went endo with him and his bike together.  Went unconscious...in the hospital for a week...punctured kidney...really fucked him up.
Needless to say, that power got him in trouble...it was too easy to push it just a little too far ( because it's there) and he's a fantastic rider...one of the best I've ever known.
He went back down to an S airhead for twisties with a little less torque and power. Just too tempting to use what the bike has to offer.
I'm taking a lesson from him. My ( his ) old K100 had about 88 or 90 hp for a 1 liter bike.....an 850cc with the same will be very responsive and less heavy. That was plenty of power for me before....I never felt underpowered although....A twin may not have the same torque. My K100 straight 4 had tons of torque!! "

Getting past the jargon. We were talking about high powered motorcycles that are factory reproduction racing bikes that you can buy off the showroom floor.  Our egos are tempted...but the problem exists when there's that much power...and not to use it.

My story was about a Vietnam veteran who was shot, and nearly died in Vietnam. It was a horrific story of being ambushed in the jungle by Viet Cong. Almost his entire platoon was killed...he was lucky to even be alive.....age 18, just out of high school...been over there only two weeks...in the hospital for over a year.   He had PTSD, in the worst of ways. He also had anger issues...working with him for almost 10 years.

More to come.

Both sides now

Forum: Anger, Frustration & ADHD

Hello, I haven't been on this board for a LONG time.  But I had been very frequent writer here for years.  This site has been a big help for me to have a place to come and write out my venting and challenges with my ADHD husband.  In January of 2024 he died unexpectedly.  I was in denial and didn't trust my thoughts or feelings.  I didn't know what I thought or how I felt other than confused and gob-smacked.  We had been married for 50 years.

I wanted to write something with insight of someone my age and situation. Yesterday I went through some boxes of old memorabilia (I'm trying to clean and disperse with a lot of stuff).  Here is something real I can share that I know. When I look at pictures of him/us before we married, I gut-feel all the love I had for him and all the trust I had in myself then. It feels good and real and right.  I am still in love with that young guy. When I look at the early photos and letters/cards I kept as keepsakes, I can forgive myself for being where I was/am. When I look at pictures of him and me after we were married for a short time I see the strain in my eyes remembering the daily tears. 

I have no words of wisdom yet.  This is just a "Hi".  I will try to find a perspective to share.  But I wanted to check in and say to you all..... "You weren't dumb to have been in love.  It really was there at one time. Things change. People change."

I am going to put newly framed photos of him as that young guy in my house...not that old guy who caused so much disappointment.  Photos where we were both truly smiling in our eyes. The love WAS there then.  

I have 2 children and 2 grandchildren - what a blessing to have people to love.  

 

Guilty by Association - Contempt

Forum: Anger, Frustration & ADHD

Getting back into therapy has already proven to be insightful. Getting to the elephant in the room sometimes is not always easy to do without some help.

Contempt was briefly mentioned, in connection to the past, and it immediately occurred to me what ( at least ) one trust issue has been. Trust, in respect to, men in general. ( men from my SO's past ).

I'm not a "men in general"...but I am a man. And I've sensed this issue from the beginning of our relationship. I actually picked up on it first with her older sister, who has some pretty obvious contempt for her husband at times because..."you know how men are...men are ( fill in blank here ....negative comment ).  It's pretty subtle, but also pretty obvious. And mostly, it can be stereotypically true...but not individually true at all. In other words, there's a prejudice going on. A prejudice,  as with any prejudice, that involves contempt...which is a form of hatred.

This is not uncommon and not even unwarranted "in a general way", but as I'm beginning to see more clearly, it is unwarranted to an individual, if they themselves have not acted in the same stereotypical manner in respect to the worst parts of men. ( the negative side ).

Men do this to, in equal proportions...not all men, but some of them. I don't see myself as one of these men which is where the problem begins. I'm not saying some of this doesn't exist in me, because my contempt is more narrowly defined to only "certain women"....who display certain qualities, that I have contempt for. It's a pretty narrowly defined few which may be the difference. It's not "women in general"...more those, who fit a certain category which may only account for about 10%.

One of my favorite managers I worked with in my field of work told me once: " 90% of all the customers who walk through my door, walk out with a smile on their face. The other 10%...cause me 90% of all my problems.  I feel exactly the same way.

So this notion of "men are all dogs" and "women are all ( bitch's )...referring to dogs as a species... is really unfair to dogs because dogs are a gift, and wonderful animals ..... 

Speaks more about the person who believes this ( which are both untrue ) and more about that person's past experience more than anything else. This would point to bitterness, contemp....and a souring of the mind. In a compassionate way, it speaks to distrust...and not wanting to be hurt. Feelings of lack of safety.

When I asked the other day, about my good qualities. My SO said I was sweet and affectionate. I thought about this for a while....and cannot say the same about her. She can be affectionat in reserved limited doses....but "sweet" is not the adjective I would use. Bitter or sour, is the term I would most aptly applied....and, I really don't care for those tastes. Seriously, I don't like bitter foods or even black coffee. Ironically, I like sweet foods the most if you think about "tastes".   

This is an interesting idea. And one that was suggested in the past. The idea of getting use to tastes. As it was put to me: When you fist taste wine, it tastes awful...bitter, alcoholic, tasting. It's not a good taste. But after a while, some people absolutely love it and can't get enough. What once tasted aweful...now becomes a favorite?

Anyway, the contempt is the problem, underlying all of this. And I'm not to blame for every man in my SO's past, but I'm paying the price later, for what is not my responsibility. I've certainly triggered this in her ( from the past )...but she'll even admit, that I treated her well and am "sweet and affectionate." 

And I know exactly what this comes from. It's come from the few times I've become really angry. It really doesn' even matter how many either. It only matters that I've reached a certain level, and that was enough to trigger this response. The fact that her contempt ( in the general kind ) for all the men in her past....is now seeping out on me.

And when I finally say "hey...that's enough! that really hurts "....she has no idea what I'm talking about. I'm sure, she's not even aware of this contempt or her sour taste...but it's one area that we're not the same. I have my contempt, but it's limited to a few individuals...not, "women in general".

And for me, this is a double wammy...because when I sense "contempt"...from my past. I expect "bad things to happen "....because the kernel of truth there is ....they really did. My radar is tuned-in for contempt. Which is a form of hatred...not love.

 

 

Grief work

Negotiation and Setting Boundaries

A year after painful divorce from ADD partner I’m working on grief and bewilderment. This forum is vital for the continuously revolving thoughts. Thank you everyone for contributing to it.

I wonder if the experience of the other person in divorce is always invisible. If my ex doesn’t see my perspective concerning children at all? At least I’ve been frank in a couple of texts though we have minimal contact. He’s laid out a fog around himself, conveying nothing, and is not frank, or even comprehensible.

I know nothing about how he’s currently doing. Initially he implied he was better, but during this year he’s backed out of every annual activity the children enjoy. It seems he isn’t yet fit for a day at an amusement park. He seems to initiate very little. All he says is caring for children 50% is going well.

His health has been a constant cause of worry for years (seven different prescriptions and counting last I heard) , and now I have no updates (does he work? Has he been able to increase the part time? Does he still see his psychiatrist?). 

He perhaps doesn’t realize I overcompensate fiercely for lack of action on his part, trying to convey an active, cultural and social lifestyle to the children. Whatever he’s doing, I hear very little about it from children. Of course from his point of view, being able to trust my parenting, there is no cause for concern. My cold dread is not visible to him.

I put in far more than 50% childcare so he can relax on his weeks. This could have been uncomplicated, had it not been that I struggle with health issues because of stress and anxiety brought on earlier by his ADD. Also earning most of the children’s recreational funds in an exceptionally demanding line of work. So unfortunately I don’t have a surplus of energy to give out. Desperately, I do it anyway.

Distance is bliss in a way. But when children are involved, it’s not reassuring to have people ask me how he copes, and their blank stare when I shrug and say I honestly have no idea.

Get me right, I’m not looking to invade his privacy. 

Privately, I grieve the love we cherished. I’m so sad all my attempts ended in distrust. 

What if he’s doing badly? I feel I’d be morally obliged to help him because of his illness and our long relationship. Also because he’s been secretive - not opening up to anyone. I’m beginning to realize he’s shut me out effectively with opaqueness just as he’s always shut out everybody else, and it’s unlikely I will ever know more than this.

The ruined trust has made getting back together forever impossible. That I grieved during divorce and still grieve. For my part, I loved him. Even now I wish we could have saved this.

 

 

My Partner Revealed that She Has Been Keeping Score

Anger, Frustration & ADHD

This is my first post on the forum. 

Today, my partner (non-ADHD, mid-30s, F) got angry at me (diagnosed ADHD 2 1/2 years ago, mid-30s, M) for not leaving on time for my morning meeting. Later, we talked about it and she had a lot to say. 

Since we realized that my ADHD is affecting our relationship, we have both focused on this part of our relationship and on putting in work to address it. It has been eye-opening for us both. 

A few days after the first conversation, I ordered The ADHD Effect on Marriage. I told her about it, and she told me that she had ordered it as well, in addition to TWO other books on ADHD. I was worried by this, TBH. She is an overachiever and I thought she may have trouble accepting that she is powerless over my ADHD and that she will have to allow me to address my symptoms. 

During the conversation today, she said that she is doing more work than me, and that she has read three books about it and I haven't even finished one book. About the meeting this morning, where I had invited a friend to speak, she said that I had a commitment to be there on time since this friend was kind enough to come (I agree and I thought about this before the meeting). But she said this should have motivated me to be on time, she felt like she had to basically get on my case to be on time in addition to reminding me to set an alarm for this morning even though she "should" let me be in charge of getting there on time. She said she came downstairs and found me in my underwear making coffee. I feel humiliated by this. She also said that maybe if I failed to get there on time, the negative consequence would motivate me in the future. This isn't the case; I would feel ashamed and hate myself but it wouldn't help me the next time around. 

This past weekend, I was having trouble getting my chores done. My list included :

planning our meals this week,  making the grocery list,  grocery shopping,  cleaning out my work bag (something she wants),  cleaning the shower which currently has a pink ring,  watering the house plants,  splitting some firewood,  washing the dishes,  cooking dinner on Sunday, organizing two boxes currently taking up space in my closet (also something she suggested).  

I got meal planning, the grocery list, grocery shopping, Sunday dinner, and watering SOME plants done (yay!). These tasks are very important to me personally, not just things she wants done. I got derailed because I started fixing our blender. I love fixing things but often it takes a lot longer than I think. I was upset because I really wanted to get all that stuff done. I told her how upset I was and she was understanding and helped me start the grocery list after I asked her for help with that. Later, we relaxed while watching TV and reading; she reassured me that this was ok. 

But today she also mentioned that the shower didn't get cleaned. She said yesterday she was patient with me, but she won't always be able to be. 

All that is to say, I have suspected that she was "holding her tongue" about a lot of things, and now she has revealed that's true; she's been keeping score and holding her tongue. 

I'm sad. I'm tired. I wish I hadn't confided that I was upset and that I had just white-knuckled it and gotten more of the chores done last night instead of relaxing. And it's so hard to be standing there, thinking about how hard I've been trying, but feeling that it just sounds stupid to say that. It sounds so empty and stupid to say that I've been trying hard, that I did have the best intentions, that I WAS thinking about my friend and that I needed to be on time because he was helping me out. I wish I had mentioned it before she brought it up so she would have known I had thought of it. 

I know how important it is to accept that we are powerless over certain things, and I can see that she's not. I admit that I'm not doing it either lol (point one finger, and three are pointing back at you!). 

Sorry for the very long post. 

TLDR: I have suspected that my partner has been keeping score and holding her tongue because she "shouldn't" nag and I should be the one addressing my symptoms. Today, she confirmed this. 

Communication bridge is just not there…

Communication with ADHD

Hi, I have two sons, one son and my husband have been diagnosed with ADHD (my husband later in life)…I found this forum by chance because I was googling what to do when you just have such lack of communication…it’s like we are both on cliff edges with a bridge between to help us and he just won’t get on it, or I have to continuously go over the bridge to him.

I can’t bring any of my feelings or thoughts up without him:

Listening but not contributing

Being sarcastic or demeaning

Twisting it or throwing it back in my face I.e “you say you feel unheard, well I can be that too, I feel unheard”

He is also using alcohol as a coping mechanism (at points), so have had the odd nasty name calling text come through.

He’s starting a new job tomorrow after 6 months of not working, he’s gone internal, I get that, it’s hard….but we have to discuss child school drop off as I also work 3 days. We have no village around us, we can’t find childcare, I want to talk about it as a team, but he just says ‘there’s no options’ even though I have suggested one that means the responsibility of school drop off falls mainly on me, but two of the ten would need to be his. He just won’t talk about it. He moans he has no clothes for his new job, but won’t buy them or let me help. He says he wants to get fit by biking (we only have one car), so I send links to waterproof items and bike lights, he hasn’t done anything about it, again, I ask if he would like me to help?

There is just so much more then this and it has been a decade and a half and I want to empathise and care and be mindful, but my bucket is empty and I feel like I am bursting with resentment, which is not healthy for me or us….but my feelings and thoughts have no place to go :(

Grateful for any thoughts, connections or advice….

Uk based couples therapist?

Resources

Hello

My partner of 10 years has finally been diagnosed but our marriage remains in tatters. I'm struggling to find a UK based couples therapist who can do online session. This is a last ditch attempt to save our marriage. Any recommendations much appreciated. I've tried those listed on this site but they either don't do online sessions or are currently full.

Thanks

 

Avoiding parent/child but important things are missed...

Support for the ADHD Partner

My wife hasn't followed through on any kind of treatment, so things aren't great.

Yesterday, I discovered she didn't pickup very critical medication for our epileptic cat. Weeks ago, before the holidays, I brought up meds would be out soon. My wife diligently managed prescription renewal with the vet and orders with the pharmacy to refill between Christmas and New Year's. I asked her on Tuesday (NYE) to make a reminder for herself to pickup the meds Thursday Jan 2nd when the pharmacy was open again. Well, 5pm after a long day at work and other responsibilities, I get home and ask if she picked up the meds... She did not (she'd been working and apparently decided on a whim to clean up a lot of her DOOM piles). So, fortunately the pharmacy was open until 6pm and I got the needed meds.

Everything I have read says to avoid parenting and micromanaging your ADHD spouse. So, other than handling anything of any importance myself in addition to working all day and the other responsibilities, how do I avoid these enraging shit shows?! She can't be trusted on important things that affect our family...

We talked it, the preliminary steps got done, I reminded, I asked her to setup a reminder for herself, and still extremely close to failure and affecting our cat's health.

being on time

Communication with ADHD

This is the first time I write. My husband has adhd and I don't. We have been seeing a couple's therapist and it is going alright. He admits he has adhd, but he says it is minor and only affects his ability to focus. I think it is more than minor. It affects his organization and planning skills, his irritability and ways he lashes out.  Lately I have been very annoyed at the way he does not keep time in mind. He says I am intolerable of any time delay with him. He might be right, I think it happens so often that have become intolerable. We are both retired and at home and i am the one that plans meals, although he is happy to help. An example that happens often is that he might say he is going to help at X time to prepare lunch. X time comes and he is not there. Sometimes it is 15 min, sometimes is 30 min. I know I could just ask him to be in the kitchen earlier but he is just inconsistent. There is always something that interferes with him being on time and the amount of time delays are never the same. It annoys me because he is very punctual and even arrives early when he goes to his music gigs (he has a passion for music) so he definitely can do it.  As I write this appears to me that this is such minor thing but I feel my time is important too and he might think is not because I am usually here. What can I do to help us?