Melissa Orlov's Blog

Tylenol, Autism, oh my!

ADHD & Families

If you're in a neurodivergent relationship, you may have paid special attention to President Trump's recent news conference about Tylenol and Autism.  I wish to share an article from ADDitude that pulls together the medical community's responses to the announcement.  The article quotes numerous experts familiar with the work that has been done to explore this issue, including the head of the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists.  Please know that this post is not a political statement, but simply an easy-to-digest review of what is known by those with medical backgrounds about Acetominophen and Austism.  Briefly:

The assertion that taking Tylenol causes Autism was false and misleading Associations in research (even weak ones, such as found in some of the studies on this topic - and not others) do not equal causation There is evidence that the weak associations found in some studies may be explained by the fact that women genetically more likely to carry babies who may be autistic may also be more likely to take Tylenol, since they have a higher rate of issues that might require taking the medication. The risk created by untreated fevers in pregnancy are known, so NOT taking Tylenol if you need it causes real concern, particularly in the first trimester.  Specifically, “Untreated fever, particularly in the first trimester, increases the risk of miscarriage, birth defects, and premature birth; untreated pain can lead to maternal depression, anxiety, and high blood pressure,” the Society for Maternal-Fetal Medicine (SMFM) said in a statement. Tags:  autism Tylenol research

Broader Connection

ADHD & Marriage News - October 1, 2025

 

Quote of the Week

“I think that, really, what is essential at this moment, especially when we have just one person to give us what an entire village should be providing, is that we create boundaries, routines, and rituals.”

- Esther Perel

Broader Connection

I read an article recently about how couples, and men in particular, are becoming more isolated.  Perel alludes to this in the quote above with the ‘one person giving what an entire village should be giving’ idea.

I find this trend alarming.  Broader connection is so important that Ned Hallowell calls it ‘the other Vitamin C.’ Further, it’s not fair (nor healthy) to ask one’s partner to shoulder the burden of providing all of one’s feedback, support, and input.  Not sexy, either.

Don’t misunderstand – romantic partners need deep connections with each other to thrive.  But not ALL connections in one place.

Perel talks about boundaries, routines and rituals as a solution to this issue.  But her suggestions still focus on the intimate partner.  I would add one more item – connection outside the relationship.  A network, if well nurtured, is likely stronger than any one individual bond in providing broad support.  With effort, most people can create a stronger outside network.

If you don’t feel you have a support network beyond your partner, it’s time to get going!  And don’t let being busy be an excuse.  Our lives are a compendium of what we choose to spend our attention on…and this is important!  So reach out and start nurturing some other peeps!  You might:

Find an active local club full of people with a common interest (environmental group; woodworking group; school volunteer group; birdwatching etc etc) Sign up for an active workshop or class of interest (art; cooking; motorcycle riding; bike safety). Invite one participant for lunch and swap stories. Join an exercise class, walking group or bike club. Find out who goes to the coffee bar afterwards and see if you might join in. Consider volunteering for something with your religious organization, library or local community. If you’re musical, join a community or church chorus.  Once-a-week rehearsals can get you out and introduce you to new people.

Try to find something that helps you be physically involved in person, not just online, which (I would posit) provides the semblance of connection but isn’t as good at providing genuine, deep connection as in-person activities.

Do you have a strong network?

 

IT'S NOT TOO LATE: 

➤ Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Just started last week. Learn from last week's recording and join in now.  REGISTER NOW 

Seminars, Groups:

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - (Registration Ongoing) i2a helps couples impacted by ADHD find practical strategies, a safe space to work through challenges, and a supportive community of peers. Our mission is to equip you with actionable expert guidance, a reduced sense of isolation, and foster real, lasting change in your relationships. Learn more and sign up here! 

"Prior to all this I felt very alone, that I was going crazy, that I was losing it -- bc no one I knew was going through what I was going through. LIke, what's wrong with me that my marriage is in such shambles! Why did it all impact me so much? Being part of i2a and hearing that I'm not alone and that there are a whole group of people out there that deal with some variation of what I'm dealing with, and I always get something from what others' share. Whether it's realizing that I'm not alone, or someone is dealing with something I'm dealing with, or they found a tip that helps me...between the camaraderie of the group, and different ways of looking at things. Oh my gosh -- I'm not alone! And it's not necessarily me -- it's the situation we're in, it's no one's fault. (Non-ADHD Partner)

Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - ➤ REGISTER NOW  It's not too late to join. Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. Mental Health Professionals, learn about our Affiliates Program.

The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing)  Move at your own pace. Includes materials & recordings from recent live seminar lessons and Q&As. 3 months of Office Hours to support your learning! Military and Mental Health Professional discounts.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Join a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. 

Foundations in Habit Development - This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make. 

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Ongoing).  Work with an ADHD expert who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full). Seven sessions. 5 couples only will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it. 

Therapist Training & more - (Ongoing). For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.

 Free Resources: Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters; Free Treatment E-book "How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD"; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists; Chore Score Worksheet; Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD The ADHD Effect on Marriage, Huff Post's top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.

Is there hope?  This video may help you answer that question: 

[image error]

Our Team New Here? Is ADHDMarriage right for you? en Español

Register for free marriage tips here! "Your weekly messages are beyond wonderful to receive, I cannot thank you enough! Please know the gifts that you give are treasured."

Three years into the relationship.. feeling frustrated

Forum: Anger, Frustration & ADHD

Hello, I'm feeling frustrated and unheard and I just wanted to get this off my chest. I've been engaged to my fiance for almost two years now. I love him to death. He's thoughtful, brings me flowers, calls me beautiful every day, like he checks all the boxes on a 'perfect partner' checklist. Except the ADHD part.

I know it's unfair to call his condition a flaw. It's just how his brain works. But I feel so frustrated that he can rant on and on about something he likes or finds interesting, but if I talk for more than 10 seconds he loses attention. The longest time I talked to him without him interrupting was 1 minute, yet he lost focus 30 seconds in.

I read some other posts on this forum and I'm glad I'm not alone. Does it get better? It feels extremely unfair that I have to 'dumb down' my conversation or keep it short so he stays focused, even when I have a story I want to share or just want to tell him something important and include context. He's unmedicated and stopped getting therapy for his ADHD. 

6 months post divorce...

Forum: other

Hello guy's...

Just wanted to stop in and say hello to my long time friends and co-encouragers...My  divorce has been final for 6 months now...I've been cleaning and remodeling for 6 months...My house is clean and mostly empty...After 17 years of being subjected to hoarding, I'm more of a minimalist than not...;) I've had a new roof put on, and a new living room floor installed and a new deck out back...I'm done w/ the inside for now, (will continue to upgrade lite fixtures to LEDs', and I am just about done painting the outside (shudders left)...I'm in a pretty good place mentally and emotionally...thank the Lord!...Still working through it all some...I miss caring for her...I drive by her house on occasion (2.5 miles from me)...Just looking to see if she has done the things I told her needed done for safety reason's...I miss being her mother lol...A few days ago my 9 year old grandson had grandparents day at his school...I went and she was standing there w/ him...It was a little emotional for me...She looked like she has lost 20 pounds at least, no boobs (usually had big one's)...I spoke, and she did too, She stepped away while I spent a few minutes w/ him...I loved on him and told him I would see him later (took him for pizza later on)...I just needed to get away so I could breathe...I told you that I had called a former co-worker shortly after the divorce was final, to go to a movie....Well we have became close!...I've dumped all my pent up love onto her!...She has been alone 4 years years from an abusive alcoholic husband (who cheated)...She is beautiful and sweet as they come...And I did just what the counselor told me to watch out for....A heart that is as dry as old sponge when it comes to kindness....She and I have backed up from those deep penetrating kisses, and intense making out..(no sex thank the lord) and have tried to just be friends...(still kiss some LOL) Difficult! but, for the best for now...I need time...She is 9 years younger and loves her independence (and me :)....But she say's she isn't interested in marriage, and wants me to date other women...She is right of course, I've been a husband all of my adult life (20 yrs old)...So I'm going to start dating! lol...We'll see how it goes...I'm so shy face to face...So this is going to be something I have to press through...I've got several women on face book that have been showing interest, but I've ignored it....But, I do hate being alone...But I just love company, companionship, intimacy etc...She tells me, you need a wife...I told her well you may introduce me to my next wife...Caught her off guard I think...She just looked stunned for second, and then smiled and said, "Well I have high standards"...lol...

I hope all of you guy's married or divorced, are progressing in all aspects of life!...<3

lots of love 

c

Celebrate

ADHD & Marriage News - September 22, 2025

 

Quote of the Week

“What you discount, you will get less of. What you celebrate, you will get more of.”

- Dr. Christine Hargrove

Celebrate

The brain creates change, in part, by what we think of.  If you envision yourself happy, for example, you are more likely to be open to the new experiences that will reinforce your happiness.

This only goes so far, though.  In a relationship, if you celebrate your partner’s feelings and ideas you are likely to get additional (and more positive) engagement.  Yay!  But if you discount your partner’s feelings or ideas, you are also likely to get more (and more negative) engagement, not less.  No partner wants to be dismissed/discounted and you’re likely to hear about it if you go this route.

So…consider using Hargrove’s idea for personal change…and using the idea of celebrating your partner for relationship gain.

 

DON'T DELAY!  STARTING SEPT 24TH:

➤ Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Only $299: Find the relationship you've been longing for!

This is Melissa Orlov's premier seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. It provides hope, information and the tools you need to move towards a HAPPIER, HEALTHIER & THRIVING RELATIONSHIP.

No matter where you are in the world, you can take this seminar "This course gave my husband and me the breakthrough we so desperately needed." "Thank you again for such a life-changing seminar. It was the best and most effective money and time we ever spent."

➤ REGISTER NOW / 9 Sessions / Wednesdays, 7:30 - 9:15pm EASTERN

STARTING OCT 8TH: 

 ➤ Foundations in Habit Development - New habits take up to 3X longer to develop with ADHD in the mix. Limited to 8 participants. This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar.  

Seminars, Groups:

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - (Registration Ongoing) i2a helps couples impacted by ADHD find practical strategies, a safe space to work through challenges, and a supportive community of peers. Our mission is to equip you with actionable expert guidance, a reduced sense of isolation, and foster real, lasting change in your relationships. Learn more and sign up here! 

"A specific example about Office Hours -- being able to get a compassionate listening ear from someone who's fully committed to our success. One of them we joined up while on vacation - and it wasn't going well at all. The conversation, especially the experience of the staff member, made all the difference. I got super clear actions I could take right now - and it made the vacation together a LOT better immediately." (ADHD Partner) 

Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - ➤ REGISTER NOW  Starts Sept 24th. Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. Mental Health Professionals, learn about our Affiliates Program.

The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing)  Move at your own pace. Includes materials & recordings from recent live seminar lessons and Q&As. 3 months of Office Hours to support your learning! Military and Mental Health Professional discounts.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Join a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. 

Foundations in Habit Development - ➤ REGISTER NOW  Starts Oct 8th. This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make. 

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Ongoing).  Work with an ADHD expert who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full). Seven sessions. 5 couples only will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it. 

Therapist Training & more - (Ongoing). For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.

 Free Resources: Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters; Free Treatment E-book "How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD"; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists; Chore Score Worksheet; Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD The ADHD Effect on Marriage, Huff Post's top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.

Is there hope?  This video may help you answer that question: 

[image error]

Our Team New Here? Is ADHDMarriage right for you? en Español

Register for free marriage tips here! "Your weekly messages are beyond wonderful to receive, I cannot thank you enough! Please know the gifts that you give are treasured."

Will things ever change?

Forum: Anger, Frustration & ADHD

I've been married to my husband for 13 years, we have two teenage children. My husband was recently diagnosed with ADHD, but it has been taking a toll on me and our relationship for many years to the point that we feel our relationship is broken, and we can't see a way through. 

The damage caused by years of failed and forgotten promises, unfinished tasks, lack of organisation, hyper focusing on things that interest him (but never time for me or quality time together), his impulsivity and hiding things from me (including drug taking on occasion - which I've only found out about later when he's slipped up), interrupting during conversations, impatience, and him venting frustration at me/the kids if he's interrupted when doing something, which can come across as rude and arrogant. 

I love my husband, and know at his core he is caring and he does love me. He's a great father to our kids. But I'm feeling burned out and have gone beyond anger to feeling helpless. Its early days since his diagnosis, but I feel he's somewhat in denial about having ADHD (he doesn't like to show vulnerability or weakness). He has already ruled out taking medication, which I respect, but I'm not optimistic that he will take any other definitive steps to address his condition and the impact it's having.

I've spoken at length to him about how I'm feeling. But he doesn't show empathy, and he struggles with me being emotional (doesn't hug or comfort me), which hurts me more. I have lots of friends, but no one that really understands what its like. My husband also doesnt feel comfortable me telling anyone about his ADHD at the moment.

Is there hope that he will get the help that he, I, and our marriage needs? Maybe his diagnosis will sink in over time, and he'll accept some form of treatment/support? Anyone out there with similar situations/feelings? Thanks so much 

Toxic Environment. Dominance and Control

Forum: Negotiation and Setting Boundaries

I'm writing this to share some disturbing events and experiences I've had this week while on vacation and just before. I've worked this out with the help of an AI Chat program, that's actually been extremely helpful for me as a Journaling tool. It gives me food for thought when I'm stuck and keeps a steady flow of ideas and thoughts moving through my head. 

Before we left, on the very morning we were to leave, I stood my ground on something that was said and tried to create a boundary that involved our itinerary. I don't even remember what it was now, but it's not that important.  We weren't fighting, it wasn't an argument, I was simply choosing to speak up about something important to me, and I triggered my SO. This escalated so fast, is why I don't even remember the exact cause but..... she came straight at me and slammed her fists on my chest, then grabbed my shirt with one hand, got up in my face and cocked her arm back and made a fist as if to hit me. My only response in that moment was what I saw: "this is contempt. This is hatred."

I wasn't afraid, I was shocked and I froze ( freeze, fawn, flight ) and it immediately brought back memories or my past at home with my dad. I made that connection almost instantly and I realized what this was. Specifically,  it was the "threat of physical violence" as an attempt to dominate and control me by coercive means.

My SO wasn't going to hit me. I knew it right then. I wasn't afraid if she did, she really isn't that strong or intimidating physically.  That's not the issue, I have no fear of danger in terms of my physical body and it kind of fell flat on the floor as having that effect. I tower over her in those terms.

After spending the last three days with her extended family: her son, her daughter in-law, her mother in law and her father in law....I've witnessed and been exposed to a troubling, very toxic family relationship from living first hand under one roof and sharing the living space with them. I've relived my own past in some ways, yet this combination of elements is quite different. There's a completely dysfunctional dynamic between the mother in law and daughter in law, and the means of comunication seems to be through triangulation, channeled through the daughter in law, who dominates every decision made, yet, the mother in law is constantly ( silently ) hostile, and in competition except when she experts her authority. I've witnessed:" I'm the wife, do as I say! " to her husband, and "I'm the mother.....blah blah blah." It's dominance through position with a self righteousness attitude. And she gets whatever she wants, in that moment this way.

The daughter in law is another story, but all said and done, she has an almost militaristic heirarchal way of taking control at every turn, and deciding for everyone based on what she wants. Between these two...there's a very uncomfortable ( current of hostility ) and walking on egg shells that creates a silent response in everyone. Silence is created my this dynamic.

For me, it's been like watching my childhood now as an adult. I can see it in real time, why I learned to to do what I do. As a child, remaining silent was my means to survived. Now, I'm watching grown adults acting this way and I'm the observer. As I was growing up, sitting in the back of the theatre...watching these characters up on stage performing this scripted play.

And my SO, seems to fit right in. When I privately asked what's going on here...she replied " oh, it's just family stuff" and laughed it off.

There are no boundaries here with these two women.  They demand, control, and dominate by coercion in a reward and punishment system that seems quite clear to me now. I see it, for exactly what it is, and who's the ones in power.

I'm finding it disturbing, along with my SO attempt at coersion by physical intimidation, to get me to shut up. As I said, I was attempting to set a boundary when it happened and I'm now seeing.....this is a way of life for these people.

My SOs biggest change, and in our relationship came when her son and daughter in law had the twins.  When she started spending a lot of time in this environment, she herself started acting this way...playing her part, as scripted in this toxic environment. It literally shifted, as she spent more and more time with them due to the babies. 

I realize now, it had nothing to do with spending time away from me, or focusing her attention on the babies that's caused me to feel bad. Thus bad feeling comes from the fact, that she's defaulted to behaving like her family and bringing that home to me. That sticky toxic goo, has rubbed off on her which is most disturbing to me.

J

 

What Would Your Marriage Look Like?

ADHD & Marriage News - September 17, 2025

 

Quote of the Week

“If your marriage got better, what would it look like?  What can your marriage become, and is that worth having?”

- Ari Tuckman

What Would Your Marriage Look Like?

If you’re struggling, it might be hard to imagine what your relationship could become.  But it’s worth trying.  When working with couples I’ve had success asking them who they are as their ‘best selves’ to get at where they might go as a couple.  So…ready to try this out?  If so, you may wish to consider the following tips:

Take a close look at who you are in your relationship.  Are you your best self?  What could you do to become your best self?  Are you willing to do the work?  (If you don’t know what your best self looks like, I recommend looking back to the time in your life when you liked yourself the best.) How hard has your partner been working to become the best version of themselves?  What do you like/love about what you’ve seen? If your partner is not engaged in improving your relationship, is there any indication that they will become so in the near future?  If not, then assess the potential of your relationship with that in mind.  (It isn’t ADHD that ends relationships, it is lack of engagement with improving them with a partner that ends relationships.) Avoid dreaming about what your ‘fantasy partner’ might do (i.e. become pretty perfect for you) and look at the partner you really have. What do you love about them?  What can you live with compassionately?  What do you not love about them that might not change?  How might that impact you? Are there really important issues that might not change? (For example, your partner has lost all interest in sex for physiological reasons that aren’t likely to improve.)

There is something very positive to be gained when a couple works through their issues together (often with the help of a professional).  The act of doing so can strengthen bonds as well as provide useful tools for when you hit a future speed bump.  But…sometimes there isn’t a positive landing place.  Thinking about what your marriage could be – realistically – can be really useful.

 

DON'T DELAY - STARTING NEXT WEEK - SEPT 24TH:

➤ Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Only $299: Melissa Orlov, the leading expert in ADHD relationships, and senior consultant, Ashley Paradise help partners improve their lives together.

Learn how to trust again Get out of destructive patterns such as parent/child dynamics and the chore wars Become closer than you have been in a long time, and find the joy and intimacy you miss Let go of your anger and frustration Move from “correcting problems” to “enjoying each other” Navigate and optimize ADHD treatments Tap into hope for your relationship Cope with having a partner who is not yet in control of their anger Improve your communication skills  STARTING OCT 8TH: 

 ➤ Foundations in Habit Development - New habits take up to 3X longer to develop with ADHD in the mix. Limited to 8 participants. This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar.  

Seminars, Groups:

Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program - (Registration Ongoing) i2a helps couples impacted by ADHD find practical strategies, a safe space to work through challenges, and a supportive community of peers. Our mission is to equip you with actionable expert guidance, a reduced sense of isolation, and foster real, lasting change in your relationships. Learn more and sign up here! 

"We went from essentially a broken marriage, to having hope. The Office Hours have been a life-saver -- to get practical things we can take home with us and make changes right away." (Non ADHD partner)

Live ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - ➤ REGISTER NOW  Starts Sept 24th. Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD. Mental Health Professionals, learn about our Affiliates Program.

The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing)  Move at your own pace. Includes materials & recordings from recent live seminar lessons and Q&As. 3 months of Office Hours to support your learning! Military and Mental Health Professional discounts.

Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Join a community exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. 

Foundations in Habit Development - ➤ REGISTER NOW  Starts Oct 8th. This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make. 

ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Ongoing).  Work with an ADHD expert who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD.  We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar

Couples Support Group - (Full). Seven sessions. 5 couples only will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it. 

Therapist Training & more - (Ongoing). For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.

 Free Resources: Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters; Free Treatment E-book "How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD"; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists; Chore Score Worksheet; Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD The ADHD Effect on Marriage, Huff Post's top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.

Is there hope?  This video may help you answer that question: 

[image error]

Our Team New Here? Is ADHDMarriage right for you? en Español

Register for free marriage tips here! "Your weekly messages are beyond wonderful to receive, I cannot thank you enough! Please know the gifts that you give are treasured."

Yank myself out of the numbness

Forum: Anger, Frustration & ADHD

It's been a while since I've posted here as I've been trying to take a step back to let some of the hard work I've been doing come to the forefront. 

But I've realised over the last few weeks that I'm worried about myself and how numb I've become to the exhaustion of my marriage. I'm feeling trapped and helpless but my brain is reminding me that I am NOT trapped and helpless and then (I think) my body is staying in freeze/fawn mode - even though I don't want to be. 

I also have been trying to understand and show my compassion because its very clear to me that we (as well as myself individually) are in a constant state of survival and not thriving. And it keeps me in a tailspin. 

I've recently gotten some great news in a permanent job, as well as comfirmed some upcoming trips and travel (my favouite thing)... but at the exact same time we've gotten some devastating family news. However I'm in a we-got-this mode while my spouse can't even string together a sentence most days, let alone finish any task that he has said outloud or anything of the nature. I'm not even exaggerating, it just is what it is. 

Being on these two extremely different plains has made me realise how different we are and I've just let him be...him. and I can't say that I care anymore but I do care about me and that I'm not happy. I don't want to be in a marriage like this and I hate that this is what we model for our son. 

But with all that, I've done nothing to push for couselling or him seeing an adhd coach or talking about our marriage. None of it. I jist don't know what reaction I'll get for most things and deep down, whatever my opinion, wants, needs or desires are.... they don't matter anyways. So what's the point of bringing them up? 

(What a crappy state of affairs, right? I'm sad for myself and pity my husband) 

It's this feeling of numbness and survival that I'm exhasted by and would like to break out of but not sure how. I have been in individual therapy, and continue to check in with my therapist but there's a can of worms there that I'd like to open up for myself but know that I won't get space for healing - bc that's what has been happening in my marriage. There's no space for me or for us. Just my spouse and his huge emotions and his depression and his adhd and his anxiety. 

And we have gotten our son assessed for autism and I was extremely honest with the psychologist (privately of course) about the last 5 years and if he's formally diagnosed I think this will be what breaks me - I cant do a nurospicy household with no buy in from a partner. 

But I don't want to keep waiting for life to kick me enough that I do something bc I keep have to pick myself up first, care for myself ansnthen take steps forward. 

Anyone know the feeling and the numbness and how to break out of it??? 

Dead end road

Forum: Anger, Frustration & ADHD

Having a lot of trouble accepting that my bipolar II/ADHD fiance teeters on no change/worsening.

We've dated for 7 years, engaged in 2022 but called off our 2023 wedding due to worsening of his mental health. We do not live together(his home is a hoarding/messy nightmare). We broke up early this year but rekindled our friendship but I just simply no longer feel secure with him.

My question is.. he is such a wonderful human being and I just cannot understand why he cannot overcome his living situation.   I have to wonder if its not a "i can't leave " but more of "i won't leave my home"  despite the amount of stress and chaos it must cause to him living in those conditions.   Is it some sort of Stockholm syndrome or fear or thinking that "if I leave i actually have to take responsibility in my new life with my wife?"

Im not a psychiatrist but I guess im just deeply saddened because I had actually sat down with myself to "count the cost" of being in a relationship/marriage with this man but obviously he cannot or will not do the same.  Should I blame the disorder?  I just feel used and worn out and confused and still so angry at all this.  I strongly feel he should have never gone on a dating site in the first place if he never really had any intentions of getting HIS life in order before bringing the "chaos" into mine.