Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 5
July 2, 2025
How do you deal with the constant disappointment?
This week has been a struggle. I am feeling constantly disappointed and ignored. I find little things daily that my ADHD wife didn't follow through on, or didn't listen to me about.
Does anyone have any suggestions to make things better (other than divorce)?
In person conversations get forgotten, lists and reminders ignored. Intimacy is non-existent. I'm struggling to see what the upside of this marriage is.
June 30, 2025
I wish I woulda________.
I am amazed how often now I have these thoughts run on in my mind. What I learned with new perspective is this....
I wish I woulda...
• been MORE verbal. So often I shut up so to not cause a scene or because he would raise his voice louder and meaner and use vulgarity to shut me up if I spoke my mind. We ended up not talking very often.
• not worked so hard trying to DO everything for us and the kids physically. I wish I woulda been more of a manager and less of a slave.
• not been so "nice". I thought I was being supportive. But I was too compromising and lost my good self that I once was. And he did not respect me. I believe he wanted the fights.
• fought.
"Over time, you'll inevitably end up resenting your partner because you've given up too much of yourself."
Coping with anger at a sexless marriage despite treating ADHD as best as I can
I'm an ADHD husband who's been married to his wife for twelve years, the last seven of which have been dysfunctional due to being undiagnosed and untreated. One of the areas where that dysfunction has become especially dramatic is sex. In the past year we haven't had sex at all, and in the three years prior we've had sex maybe five or six times. Since getting diagnosed and medicated my sex drive has returned to what it was prior to the worst depressive episodes I experienced with untreated, and I'm craving sex and intimacy with my wife constantly. In addition to that craving, I find myself becoming angry at my wife for seemingly refusing to make any attempt to improve our sex life together.
We've been in couples therapy and individual therapy for six months, but while we've made a lot of improvements to how we communicate with each other and I've put a lot of effort into implementing strategies to become more reliable and trustworthy as a partner, my wife has repeatedly said that none of the work we've done has addressed her feelings of hurt, resentment, and anger at the past seven or so years of my symptoms causing dysfunction in our relationship, and that until those feelings are addressed she has had and will have no interest at all in sex. I understand that we wouldn't return immediately to a healthy sexual relationship, but at this point it's been a year and a half since I've even been hugged, kissed, or even had a compliment directed toward me.
I don't know how long I'm supposed to be fine with waiting while I make every effort I can to rebuild reliability and trust (e.g. taking my medication, meeting with my therapist and discussing how to manage ADHD and its symptoms, and trying to take every opportunity in couples therapy to improve how I communicate with my with). I assumed when we started couples therapy that there would be a gradual return of positive regard, physical affection, and sexual intimacy as other elements of our relationship improved, but this hasn't been the case.
. I feel trapped in a sexless marriage, and that feeling of being trapped is creating anger, anxiety, and, if I'm honest, a temptation to find a way to fulfill my needs outside of my marriage even though I don't want to pursue it. I feel unloved, undesired, and lonely, and those feelings so quickly can become feelings of anger and rage that I don't know how to cope with.
. Has anyone else had an experience like this?
This is hard
I recently reviewed my journal, and I'm realizing that I've been in a consistent struggle to get some kind of favor from my ADHD wife in four years of marriage. She consistently abuses and oversteps our marriage by criticizing me and devaluing my contribution. She also makes up narratives where she is the victim to the "high standards" of simple marriage duties (like chores and spending time together). She is resistant to handling ADHD, even when I try to claim responsibility for my reaction to her symptoms.
And yet, she is sincere and remorseful when I point out the emotional abuse to her. Sadly, ADHD people don't seem to realize when they are hurtful, and I such it feels unfair to be resentful towards her.
I think I'm learning how to handle ADHD with her now that I can put a name to it. It's something I definitely never wished to have, and yet it's the reality.
June 28, 2025
Neurospicy house
Guys, help. Anyone else have some practical or experienced suggestions on how to deal with multiple neuro diverse-ness in the same house?
I got an 11 year old with a potential autism diagnosis (but I can clearly see how his dad's behaviour over the years has affected him) and a 48 year old husband with an adhd dx but its totally unmanaged and pretty much dictates how the house goes. And my husband behaves like a teenager. On top of it all, we have a lovely dog but is having behaviour problems whoch takes work...but I seem to be the only one who is taking it on. Its overwhelming.
If I totally honest, if I had the guts I'd kick my husband out. I'm so done with his choices, behaviour and excuses. I'm sure he's working hard but he works hard to please others and exhausts himself. Every. Single. Day. And then I'm expected to just keep going. I know its gonna break me soon and I'm worried about myself.
June 27, 2025
How to support when ADHD partner is overloaded?
I've been learning a ton about ADHD recently, and things are making sense in my marriage as to why things happened. Now, I feel the need to restructure and make sure boundaries are established.
I recently talked with wife, and I brought up it is very hard to know how to be a good husband when she goes from 100mph to 0mph within a day (her metaphor). She really takes a mental health hit when this happens. Before realizing ADHD, I would naively ask "why doesn't 50mph work?" It seems like such a drag on the relationship to fluctuate so quickly. I feel the weight and hurt when she goes through a tough time. And then whatever help I attempt to give, it doesn't seem to do anything. She's just stuck at 0mph until she gets something to do other wise.
It almost seems to me to just ignore it, and let her handle her own problem. But then that doesn't seem like husband thing to do... stuck.
June 26, 2025
He blames me
So I finally met my severe ADD ex at the counselor’s, 18 months after divorce. We hadn’t spoken since he moved out.
The saddest at the meeting was that we both grieve so much. Both loved the other. Both would have wanted the relationship to last.
I struggle to accept the truth, that we can’t agree on anything beyond that. He doesn’t validate my experience of our last years together, he insists the main problem was he felt unloved and unwanted. I was exhausted, doing it all and worrying sick about him. In my understanding, untreated severe ADD caused his anxiety and depression. He blames me for the illness and pretends ADD wasn’t important. He claims I made him suicidal. How he’s subsequently treated me has taken quite a toll on my general health and I’ve been hurting terribly for two years, which he has done nothing about due to inertia. It makes me nauseous and I almost threw up at the counselor’s. She offered a bucket.
At the meeting, however, it seemed like he did understand some of my woes. He also seemed to take some responsibility for them. But as I’ve seen countless times, he often gives the impression of agreeing on things in the moment to please somebody (the counselor?) but later denies it. There have never been consistent agreements, they slide with shame. Perhaps I had a false hope of being understood. I left just as raw with pain as I came. The memories of the meeting are chaotic and hurtful.
He’s ruined my trust, my health, my sense of security. I know I have to accept it and move on, but right now I’m frozen in pain and disbelief. It’s like a nightmare, and there’s no waking up.
He’d said he wants a friendly and casual coparent arrangement, but at the end of the meeting I suppose he’d lost hope of it, seeing the state I was in. He has the face of somebody I’ve loved half my life. And he seems out of his mind. There is no discernible logic behind his words or actions, except that of avoiding fear and shame. He’ll twist reality to whatever shape to avoid it.
How does one accept this and move on? It would have been easier if I didn’t still feel bound to him by a thousand imperceptible threads of loyalty and intimacy. He was the love of my life, ally and closest friend. He cried, and I knew he longed for me, as I longed for him. He decided to sacrifice me rather than admit his mind is fried.
It’s also disturbing he’s a mental health expert. It makes the loss of trust worse, I think. He’s so terribly weak, still frightening. And speaking with the voice of authority, he still can’t persuade me to believe him.
June 25, 2025
Instructions for Leaving
“Once the earthquake is settled
accommodate the anger
let it move in, fix it dinner
then put it to bed"
- First stanza by poet and author, Kwame Alexander from Why Fathers Cry at Night
Instructions for LeavingThere are so many things I admire about Alexander’s description of the aftermath of deciding to leave a relationship…but what I want to focus on here is not the earthquake that heaves everything up in such uncomfortable ways, but his relationship with his anger.
Accommodate the anger, he suggests. It is there for a reason, and is an indicator that something needs to be addressed. Don’t insist it leave right away – rather, get to know it. Have a conversation, and be compassionate towards it (and yourself). Learn what it is trying to tell you.
And I think that putting it to bed is both about lessening your engagement with it when it’s time, but also an acknowledgement that it may awake or rise again…in which case you get to know it again.
Are you compassionate about any feelings of anger you hold, and asking it questions to see what you can learn?
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7/9 8:30p EST Tools to help you Focus on Progress and Let Go of Perfection 7/15 7:30p EST Lessening defensiveness for ADHD partners: IFS parts work 7/16 7:30p EST What ADHD Coaches wish Non ADHD Partners Knew Recap of Part 1 7/30 8p EST Relationship Essentials: Open a Can of B.E.A.N.S – skills for everyoneJoin us anytime for live expert support and a wonderful community!
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ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (The next live seminar will begin Fall 2025). Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.
The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.
Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise. NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!
Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) - This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.
ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration Open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert? This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar
Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. Seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it.
Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.
Free Resources: Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters; Free Treatment E-book "How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD"; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists; Chore Score Worksheet; Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.Is there hope? This video may help you answer that question.
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June 22, 2025
Taking The Long Way Around
Two concepts/problems in one here:
Is it an indigenous trait of ADHDs to take the circuitous route to address a fairly straightforward task? Why does it seem they will make things more difficult or complicated not only for themselves but for their partner by creating unnecessary or irrelevant 'steps'? Even when shown a simpler, more direct and ultimately less confusing path, they not only balk but actually become defensive or accusatory that we are expecting too much of them. When, in fact and IMO & what we non-ADHDs are trying to share is an easier les convoluted approach to a problem.
Everything lately between my ADHD husbad and I has become an adversarial battleground of logic:
I say/share/suggest; He interprets and invents almost paranoid inferences & becomes defensive; I try to clarify He parrots exactly what he previously said initially. No further input or clarification I recount the entire conversation (wish I carried a voice activated recorder) He changes story and says he was thinking that (which I initially suggested) all along. Me: "Why didn't you just say that in the first place. Just tell me?" He: "I don't know" I: "You promised you'd be clearer and tell me what you were thinking at the time"He: "I'm working on that".
He's been "working on that" for several years. Along w/the ambiguous/obligatory promises, which now are meaningless to me.
How long does one wait for the work not ony to be finished, but to at least see some evidence that the working is in progress at least?
Rambling again. Bad weekend. Bad week. Bad night. Same O. Same O. Getting very tired. Physically & emotionally. Hanging on by very thin thread these days. Too old & too many years invested in the marriage to leave. And not yet ready to die.
June 21, 2025
Using kids as leverage
Now he claims the reason for meeting me at the counselor’s is so the kids don’t have to feel awkward when he and I meet face to face at celebrations et cetera. Like it’s my fault.
Well, perhaps he could have sent those celebrations a thought while inflicting divorce trauma, shredding the remains of my trust two years ago.
Of course it will be awkward, of course the kids feel bad when they see my pain. I see no end to it, except what time will eventually bring (a friend having gone through traumatic divorce said it took five years to feel indifferent to her ex).
Trying to keep mindful, but must admit this last vague text from him made me furious. If he’ll try to shame me into compliance, I will have to push down an impulse to spit in his face.
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