Melissa Orlov's Blog, page 7
June 5, 2025
when enough is enough...but I'm still here!?!?!?
I'm the non in this (as least I think so) and we are in such a bad place, I can't even begin to figure out where to start to address it. I don't want to be in this type of marriage anymore, I don't want to model what we are modelling to our son...basically, I don't know what to do when I know I've had enough, my body/mind/soul/heart is screaming at me: 'ENOUGH" and yet... I feel stuck and not sure what to do (and acknowleding that this appears to be a prison of my own making).
And when I feel this turmoil inside, it's like it manifests itself in our environment and makes things so...much...worse!
At the moment, I feel like I hate him. Like truly hate him. I don't want to feel like that and I know this is not a good place to be. We have a son and I've just suggested to my spouse (after apologising for raising my voice) that we keep things top level and then when he returns from a trip in a week (we both need a break from each other and he's going to visit a family member) we explore going to a cousellor...and he said he didn't want to do that and committ to a date as he wanted to enjoy his trip. It's like he just expects me to sit around and just wait...and wait...and then he actually confirmed he wants me to just agree with him and I'm not doing it anymore.
I feel like I'm going crazy guys and right now, my blood is boiling at the sight of him and I just don't know how we got here. And I hate it. And I hate myself for feeling like this. I've done soooo much work on myself and I'm wondering if this is a good thing bc it means that the work I'm doing is working because I'm not just laying over anymore and taking it and do all the stuff and just saying 'yes' when i should have said 'no'... and so on and so on.
but after all is said and done.... I've had enough but yet I'm still here?!!?!? I just don't get it. What is even the next step???
When enough is enough..but I'm still here taking it???
I'm the non in this (as least I think so) and we are in such a bad place, I can't even begin to figure out where to start to address it. I don't want to be in this type of marriage anymore, I don't want to model what we are modelling to our son...basically, I don't know what to do when I know I've had enough, my body/mind/soul/heart is screaming at me: 'ENOUGH" and yet... I feel stuck and not sure what to do (and acknowleding that this appears to be a prison of my own making).
And when I feel this turmoil inside, it's like it manifests itself in our environment and makes things so...much...worse!
At the moment, I feel like I hate him. Like truly hate him. I don't want to feel like that and I know this is not a good place to be. We have a son and I've just suggested to my spouse (after apologising for raising my voice) that we keep things top level and then when he returns from a trip in a week (we both need a break from each other and he's going to visit a family member) we explore going to a cousellor...and he said he didn't want to do that and committ to a date as he wanted to enjoy his trip. It's like he just expects me to sit around and just wait...and wait...and then he actually confirmed he wants me to just agree with him and I'm not doing it anymore.
I feel like I'm going crazy guys and right now, my blood is boiling at the sight of him and I just don't know how we got here. And I hate it. And I hate myself for feeling like this. I've done soooo much work on myself and I'm wondering if this is a good thing bc it means that the work I'm doing is working because I'm not just laying over anymore and taking it and do all the stuff and just saying 'yes' when i should have said 'no'... and so on and so on.
but after all is said and done.... I've had enough but yet I'm still here?!!?!? I just don't get it. What is even the next step???
June 4, 2025
Two Camps
“I am sometimes frustrated (when I read your tips) because as the ADHDer, your articles...tend to put the ADHD spouse in one camp and the non-ADHD spouse in another camp. My spouse who, in my opinion, has many ADHD tendencies (and would be very resistant to getting tested) ... treats the advice in these articles as if he is ok and doesn’t have to work on anything himself, but I have to work on many things."
- A Reader
Two CampsI’m always delighted to hear from readers of my weekly tips and get their feedback, and this comment is no different. And the reader is correct. As one way of providing clarity I do tend to ‘label’ behaviors for ‘ADHD partners’ and ‘non-ADHD partners.’ And yet, we all bring a complex set of emotions and behaviors to our relationship.
In the overall, what I TRY to communicate is that BOTH partners always have a role to play in improving their relationship. I exhort individuals to bring their ‘best selves’ to the relationship and make sure that their own behavior is respectful, thoughtful, and caring. I also try to make sure that both partners understand how to align their actions with their deepest values – what I call setting boundaries for one’s own self (as you cannot set boundaries for others).
It always makes me sad to hear one partner thinks they are okay and their partner isn’t. Because the truth as I see it is that you are BOTH okay…and you BOTH have work to do to nurture yourself and your relationship.
Please stop blaming your partner, if you are doing so, and ask yourself what you could be doing better for yourself (your boundaries) and your partner (your appreciation and affection). This sort of honest humility should help you both strengthen your ties.
Seminars, Groups:
NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program (Registration Open) - What’s Included:
Live Office Hours weekly: Drop in to ask questions and get guidance from top ADHD experts Weekly Action Tips: Bite-sized strategies, video coaching, and practical exercises Coworking Hours: Silent body doubling sessions to boost productivity and tackle low-dopamine tasks Workshops: Learn new tools and clear action steps tailored to ADHD relationships Book Club: Fun and informative monthly discussions with ADHD experts and authors 24/7 Community Forum: Stay connected, find accountability, and celebrate wins in this expert-led forum only for i2a members Unlimited Video Replays: Never miss a session or revisit valuable lessons anytime An easy-to-use Master Calendar and Membership area describing what’s going on that day, week or month and program linksADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - (The next live seminar will begin Fall 2025). Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.
The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.
Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise. NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!
Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) - This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.
ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration Open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert? This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar
Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. Seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it.
Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.
Free Resources: Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters; Free Treatment E-book "How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD"; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists; Chore Score Worksheet; Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.Is there hope? This video may help you answer that question.
Our Team New Here? Is ADHDMarriage right for you? en Español
Register for free marriage tips here! "Your weekly messages are beyond wonderful to receive, I cannot thank you enough! Please know the gifts that you give are treasured."
June 3, 2025
Bait and switch marriage
I have been married to an, until last year, undiagnosed ADHD/OCD spouse. We have been together 31 years. Unbeknownst to me, when we got together, he was self medicating with alcohol. The person he was when I married him is the complete opposite of the man he is today and I find myself wondering how I ever got here. As he struggled to get his alcoholism under control, slowly but surely, the “real” him came out, along with all the ADHD symptoms. His only love language is physical and I became so tired of feeling like a blow up doll I have no interest in sex anymore. He is emotionally inept. He cannot read social cues or any of the typical signs of how I feel to the point I wonder if he is autistic. He doesn’t comprehend when he is being abrasive or cruel and I became so used to being treated poorly that it took a friend who had not seen us in a long time to point out how badly he treated me. If I complain in any form, I am told to be empathetic and quite frankly, I have been so empathetic to his plight that I have very little empathy left.
I know my marriage is no longer healthy (for me) and “acceptance” is the only word I can use to describe how non-romantic and distant it is anymore. My situation is very complex so divorce is extremely unlikely.
I need coping skills. Mantras to say when he is being abrasive and rude. Where is the line at which he needs to learn to become a kinder person vs me using every ounce of energy I have left to be empathetic? He talks to me like an authority figure talks to a peon. As his irritability rises, the more abrasive he gets. If I say anything to him about his behavior, he is in disbelief that he acts that way and then I find myself checking my sanity to see if I am crazy.
He is medicated but since he is an alcoholic, his medication options are very limited. The medication helps but does not bring him to a level at which he is comfortable to be around. I could go on and on. I am mainly here for community and support because I have also isolated myself due to feeling like I need any time away from him to recharge myself so I can “go back in” for my “next round” of being empathetic for him. I am burnt out. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
June 2, 2025
Damn…
I’m new here and just started the ADHD Effect on Marriage audiobook and…it’s been hard. Both my wife and I have ADHD, as well as our five children who have Auhd. Everything I’ve heard we’ve gone through and it has brought me a lot of sadness. The frustration and pain my wife has gone through during our marriage was being said in the book as if someone had recorded us. We have separated for a few months and have tried to work on it for the last 3yrs but continue to hit a wall where she’s pretty much had enough. Whatever trust has eroded away, the respect is gone. We stay in separate rooms. It’s heartbreaking but I take full accountability in my part. I’m 43 now and was diagnosed about 10yrs ago. I started on meds initially and then stopped. Got back on meds but never did any therapy until 4yrs ago. Neither of us really understood the true effects of ADHD and I certainly didn’t and just thought I could will my or it wasn’t a big deal. I didn’t find a therapist that was specialized in ADHD until last week and that changed everything for me. My understanding of it and what indeed to do help myself to stay focused and organize myself. Unfortunately, all of that has come to little too late. It’s an odd feeling to feel like you see who you really are and able to embrace it but also know the shit storm I kicked up all these years has destroyed my best friend. At this point just hoping to heal and be the best coparent I can be. Damn..
"Reward Focused Brain" Doesn't Accurately Describe the ADHD Experience
This very helpful perspective comes from a person with ADHD who wrote in to question my (and others’) use of the term ‘reward focused’ brain. I agree with them – it does not do justice to the ADHD partner experience. Please read on:
“I have a question/concern regarding some of the common language used -- not just by you! -- to describe ADHD and the differences between us.
I'm the partner with ADHD, and I think that this language issue, in an attempt to translate our experience for NT's, inadvertently reinforces some of the most painful misunderstandings and dynamics we experience. It's the idea of a "reward focused" brain.
I understand that the term "reward" might have a specific meaning clinically, where maybe it refers to anything motivating and doesn't distinguish between a need and a desire, but colloquially it's misleading. Rewards are understood as treats, or extra benefits; and their most common use in a family setting is in teaching a little kid or a pet what is expected of them. It not only conjures an imbalanced power dynamic, it's also a tool used judiciously and temporarily.
I think some NT's fall into the trap of thinking that once a person is diagnosed with ADHD and understands what that is, they should be able to act as if they don't have it. I.e., they will go through the period of extra training and get all the rewards needed for the training to sink in. Perhaps they think of motivation as something extra, because they only need to think about it when they are gearing up for something extra difficult and maybe even optional; they don't see the baseline supply of it that their brain produces all day long.
The brain chemicals affected by ADHD are crucial for functioning, as I know you know. We can build all sorts of scaffoldings, consciously or not, to help us navigate how inconsistent they are for us, but there's no getting around just how concrete they are. Finding ways to boost these brain chemicals does not result in the experience of getting a reward, it results in the experience of simply being able to function. There's that one study, I'm sure you've heard of it, where they deprived some poor rats of all their dopamine. The rats starved to death because they could not access any motivation or functional ability to eat. Having the ability to not starve to death is not a reward, at least not according to everyday usage of the term. So, the experience of having ADHD is not that I'm focused on rewards any more than the experience of being alive requires being constantly focused on air.
When something spikes or levels out our brain chemicals, rather than reward, we experience a clearing of extra obstacles. Being interested in something is like finally not being in pain. This is why the phrase (I think from Hallowell or Dodson?) "interest-based nervous system" seems so much more accurate and less susceptible to misinterpretation or baggage than "reward-focused." Our entire nervous system runs on interest; it isn't an object of focus; it's an agent of focus. It really seems like the language of reward comes entirely from the observations/analysis of people without ADHD, and sort of gives up on trying to find language that would bridge the gap in real understanding.
There's this troubling shorthand about ADHD that equates needing to boost these brain chemicals as needing a "fix" or having a brain that needs to be fixed… Obviously, it's up to us to find ways to work with our brains and try to manage this chemical situation as best we can and with as little adverse impact on others as possible. But glasses are not a fix or a reward for someone with myopia, and the natural leveling of brain chemicals from interest, urgency, or positivity is truly not a reward. I'm worried that this framing enhances parent-child dynamic traps (especially since on some level, clinically, everyone is motivated by reward, but we apply different language to different timelines -- retiring with healthy savings that are the result of careful planning is a reward, too, but nobody calls frugality a reward-focused way of being).
Thanks for listening."
From Melissa - well said, and I agree.
Tags: reward focused brain motivation adhd treatment adult ADHDMay 30, 2025
Getting fired and doing Something Different
Hi All,
I've been kinda busy since I was fired from my job. Yes, for the first time in my life, I was fired ( or actually let go ) because: "you do not fit into what we have planned for in the future". I can say a lot of things to this that would all be reasons ( turning this back on my employer ) but it occurrd to me the day after....my employer was right. I'm absolutely sure, what I was thinking is not what she was thinking, but that admission on my part ( which is true ) helped quite me immediately to a completely different direction. I actually did apply for another job in a jewerly store but didn't get that job. The discussion I had with the owner however, only cemented into my head, that I need to try a different course of action.
Coming back here only to say, it was here, in all my learning about RSD, people pleasing and the: " doing things perfectly so as not to get fired ( being indispensable ) because they need you ie: Being the only one who can do what you do ".
Well, after 40 years of being that person, I still got fired BUT....not because of the quality of my work, but because, I've become somewhat obsolete as my talents aren't needed in the same way as they use to. The world ( in general ) has become more and more compartmentalized, and the need to someone who can do "everything " is not really nessasary. Long story short in my field: People who aren't "makers" or can do every aspect of the job...can sit down on a computer and learn how to design and make "virtual jewerly" ...then send it off to various places to have it made. So in that respect, they need a CAD person, a mill or laser 3d printer person, a casting and finishing person, a metal / assembly person, and a setter to accomplish a finished piece. The skills are being separated out to different people and done more efficiently, faster, and cheaper by sending it out ( out sourcing ) over seas especially, and circumventing the traditional way of doing the same thing.
I suddenly realized....in my years of effort of making myself indispensable and the guy who could do everything to avoid RSD at least in part.....I AM ALL THOSE THINGS rolled into one! I can not only do the CAD....as a maker, I can create the entire piece start to finish, and need no one to do any part of it. And I can use the wealth of experience to do it in the same, time saving ways...by mixing old tradition with new technology all by myself. I realize, I still have to market and sell it ( on the internet ) but I already have word of mouth people lining up to have me make things. I'm not going to do repair...these will be my own creations this time.
So I've been busy, building my metal smiting shop and building my own casting machines. Where I live ( after investing) has no one doing small run casting. I have huge amounts of casting experience and can even do platinum which not many people do. Not only that, I can cast aluminum into small parts with my new machine which will have a much larger capacity than traditional jewelers.
The thing is......everyone, an especially teenagers, can now buy laser 3d printers and make prototypes ( star wars figures, Hobbit, Dungeons and Dragons etc ) Everyone and their mom can now make these things out of resin and plastics. But, who's gonna cast it into metal ? There's a need there, and I'm that guy. Even if I only cast things for people...I cam charge them for time and materials....the possibility are endless and there aren't very many of me around who can do all...or any part of the entire process by myself out of my garage.
Anyway. I'm building my casting machines and have bought a couple high end dental casters that are now, no longer used. For my purpose, they're perfect as I'm not doing large scale production. The bottom line here is....I have the skills, they're my strengths, there's a need, and I already have people knocking on my door. I can take advantage of doing things online and focus on what I do best...and that is....make things. This time around...I'll be the designer and the maker...and I'll be making them for me...not someone else.
I think I can do this...in fact....I know I can. This is in my wheelhouse ( instead of doung cars last time ). What is obsolete now, to a jewelry store....is exactly what a person needs if they're going to do it by themselves. And...because no one new is learning "everything " as I have....there are very few of me around any more. I realized...I am a rare commodity to myself in that way because I don't see anyone doing what I'm doing anywhere?
And as usual, I'm building the machines and tools and buying used on eBay for a fraction of the cost.
So this is why I've been busy. Along with doing all kinds of house maintenance, car maintenance, and keeping house while my SO is at work. The volume of stuff I've done already is making her pretty happy. I've also saved us a ton of money by hiring out. Just the other day...I did a valve adjustment job on my SO's car, which the dealership wanted $500 for. My cost in parts was $48, plus my labor in one afternoon.
Suddenly, my skills have gone way up in price, compared to what hiring someone use to be. I on the other hand, haven't changed much ! Lol The fewer people out there who can't ( now ) need someone who can....and that person is me.
Anyway, my SO is feeling better in regards to things getting done quickly so that's also helping. I'm getting both...things she wants done and even doing more errands which makes her life easier. She doesn't dislike that either.
I think what she appreciates most is me, doing things before she even asks. I've found that seems to be the magic key. Not just...doing what she asks of me, but thinking about it ahead and doing it before hand. Not always, buy I'm finding that is definitely helpful to her mental state and mine! Lol
That's what's happening currently. Ironically, getting fired has made things better in my case. If this doesn't work, I'll just do something else. I managed to build up my savings which also made this possible, including my Social Security I get every month because I'm old.
With that said, I'm back out to the garage ( my shop ) and doing what I need to do.
Post divorce couples therapy
A session is coming up for my ADD ex and me, with our former couples therapist.
Today my teenager and I ran into the ex, by chance. It was obvious to all of us how I reacted to his forced smile and few meaningless words, like to physical pain. We just passed each other by, but the day was ruined. My teenager was sad afterward, too.
I wrote to my ex later today, asking why he wants the counseling. What is his goal? To be able to talk and be in the same room, he replied.
So I sent him a text made to prepare him and the therapist for the session. Describing why I expect incomprehensible, hurtful and incoherent behavior. Why I don’t assume honesty. Why I can’t do anything about the current state of the relationship. And that I never want to work for his benefit again, ever.
Then I spent a lonely afternoon wondering how other people handle these things. Am I odd in not being able to stand my ex’ presence? I’m aware it would be more elegant to not show distress. I just lack the desire to pretend. I actually am neither weak nor ashamed. I want the whole awful thing to be acknowledged for what it is. Nobody understands the marriage or divorce except my ex and me, and he’s masking it. I feel that is another layer of hurt on top of everything.
May 29, 2025
Notice the Positive
“Notice the positive, not what remains to be done"
- Dr. Christine Hargrove
Notice the PositiveAs humans, we are wired to notice the negative - this is a built-in survival strategy. For if we were too busy admiring the daisies, we might have been eaten by a tiger. But this isn’t always helpful in relationship repair. Hard work and even small successes deserve to be noticed and appreciated. Furthermore, appreciation goes a long way to keep up one’s spirits and nurture motivation.
One way to ensure that the positives are noticed is to add a ritual of appreciation to your relationship. This can be a very simple five minutes at the end of the day (or at dinner, etc) in which each person finishes a sentence similar to ‘What I appreciated today was…’. The response to that might be a thank you, a smile, a hug…some way to indicate that you heard.
Another easy way to see the positive is to create a ‘done’ list in addition to your ‘to do’ list. Dr. Hargrove does this in her own life and gets great satisfaction out of recording the positive achievements she has done…even the small ones.
What’s your method for noticing (and remarking upon) the positive?
Seminars, Groups:
NEW: Intent to Action (i2a) Membership Program (Registration Open) - Live expert support, a great community and lots of ADHD management tools, encouragement and accountability to help change your good intentions into new dynamics with your partner.
ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar - Is your relationship in trouble? Melissa and senior consultants help partners improve their lives together in this premier 9-session ZOOM seminar that has changed the lives of many, many couples impacted by ADHD.
The Self-Study Seminar - (Ongoing) Move at your own pace. Includes materials and recordings from the recent '24 live seminar.
Non ADHD Partner Support Group - (Full) Be part of a community of people exploring similar issues; learn from each other's successes and struggles; find new, more effective ways to be your best self in your relationship. Group leaders include Tami Anderson, Amy Borla, Lee Crespi, Lisa Magel and Ashley Paradise. NEW: LGBTQIA+ and Consensual Non-Monogamy group!
Foundations in Habit Development - (Full) - This special series is for ADHD partners who have completed The ADHD Effect Couples' Seminar. This two month program helps you solidify the changes you have started to make.
ADHD & Marriage Consulting Group - (Registration Open. Ongoing). Are you interested in doing individual or couples work with someone who is an ADHD expert? This is a group of professionals who understand the issues faced by individuals and couples impacted by ADHD. We STRONGLY recommend you also take the ADHD Effect In-Depth Couples' Seminar
Couples Support Group - (Full) Navigating Parent-Child Dynamics. Seven sessions. Participants obtain a deeper understanding of what drives their Parent-Child Dynamic, In this group 5 couples will work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) master facilitator, Jason Weber, to understand what ‘parts’ of themselves are participating in the parent-child dynamics and learn how to compassionately move away from it.
Therapist Training & more - For counselors, therapists, social workers, coaches, and other professionals who currently work with adults and couples impacted by ADHD, or who would like training to help improve their skills in this important therapeutic area.
Free Resources: Weekly Marriage Tips email newsletters; Free Treatment E-book "How to Optimize Treatment for Adult ADHD"; A community forum with other couples facing similar issues; A large number of blog posts on various topics; Referrals for ADHD-Savvy Therapists; Chore Score Worksheet; Recommended Reading for Couples Impacted by Adult ADHD The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read.Is there hope? This video may help you answer that question.
Register for free marriage tips here! "Your weekly messages are beyond wonderful to receive, I cannot thank you enough! Please know the gifts that you give are treasured."
Our Team New Here? Is ADHDMarriage right for you? en EspañolMelissa Orlov's Blog
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